EP 417: Putting A Limit On ‘Quality Time’ & Insecurities Vs. Boundaries

Summary

Decisions, Decisions - Episode 417: Putting A Limit On ‘Quality Time’ & Insecurities Vs. Boundaries

Release Date: April 21, 2025 Hosts: Mandy B and WeezyWTF Podcast Network: The Black Effect and iHeartPodcasts

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Introduction

In Episode 417 of Decisions, Decisions, hosts Mandy B and WeezyWTF delve into the intricate dynamics of modern relationships, focusing on the balance between quality time and personal space. The conversation navigates through themes of setting healthy boundaries, understanding insecurities, and maintaining trust, especially in non-traditional and long-distance relationships.

Personal Experiences with Space and Relationships

The episode opens with Mandy B sharing her relationship dynamics, highlighting her need for personal space despite being in a committed relationship. She discusses the challenges of balancing time with her boyfriend, who is often traveling between cities like Los Angeles and Atlanta. Mandy emphasizes her preference for limited shared days, stating:

"I enjoy my space. Even in my last relationship, I would see my partner three to four days a week... I could tell he's having a thing about that." [03:03]

This sets the stage for a broader discussion about personal boundaries and the necessity of alone time for recharging.

Balancing Relationships with Personal Needs

Mindy B, also known as WeezyWTF, shares her contrasting experience of extended travel periods with her partner, illustrating different approaches to maintaining personal space within a relationship:

"Vinnie and I have traveled for weeks on end together... We could be in a club, lose each other and find each other and not be angry." [08:23]

Mindy’s narrative underscores the diversity in relationship structures and how different couples negotiate their personal needs alongside their commitment to each other.

Navigating Boundaries and Insecurities

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to distinguishing between healthy boundaries and insecurities in relationships. Mandy B articulates her perspective on why certain boundaries may stem from a lack of trust rather than genuine insecurity:

"I feel that it's a lack of trust and the inability to view...because if the only difference is this person can't do this with their male friends, but they could do it with their female friends, there's an insecurity or lack of trust." [48:29]

Mindy B counters this by advocating that boundaries do not inherently indicate insecurity but rather reflect individual comfort levels and mutual respect:

"People should be allowed to have... boundaries without being labeled as insecure." [48:59]

Platonic Relationships and Trust

The hosts explore the complexities of maintaining platonic relationships with the opposite sex within committed partnerships. Mandy B shares her experiences dealing with her partner’s discomfort regarding her close male friendships:

"He's got male best friends, and what I'm realizing is he has confusion with my response to a lot of things, and he's like, 'I have to see this stuff.'" [28:36]

Mindy B discusses the double standards often present in relationships, emphasizing the importance of transparent communication to mitigate jealousy and misunderstanding:

"It's a double standard... How do you ever know that though?" [30:06]

Communication as the Key to Navigating Relationship Challenges

Both hosts highlight the pivotal role of open and honest communication in addressing and resolving relationship tensions. Mandy B emphasizes the need for partners to express their needs and boundaries clearly:

"I'm very aware that I need space from people... I need to recharge my social battery." [05:06]

Mindy B echoes this sentiment, advocating for proactive communication to prevent misunderstandings and foster mutual respect:

"How do we learn each other's boundaries? How do we learn what to do? How do we learn how to tell someone you're gonna fuck someone else?" [54:21]

Examples and Personal Stories

Throughout the episode, the hosts intertwine personal anecdotes to illustrate their points. For instance, Mandy B recounts her boyfriend’s reaction to her attending a sex club and her own navigation of non-monogamous desires:

"He was like, we're going to put a pin in this because I feel away... I went out the other night and literally text him so drunk... And I told him about it the next day." [34:19]

Mindy B shares her partner’s insistence on being present during vulnerable moments, contrasting with her own approach to seeking support outside the relationship:

"I've never let a man see me like this because I never felt like it would be conducive to how they view me." [24:00]

Final Insights and Takeaways

By the episode’s conclusion, Mandy B and Mindy B synthesize their discussions to offer actionable insights for listeners:

1. Self-Awareness: Understanding one’s own needs for space and communication styles is crucial.
2. Open Communication: Transparent dialogue about boundaries and insecurities can prevent resentment and foster trust.
3. Respecting Boundaries: Recognizing that boundaries are not indicative of insecurity but rather personal comfort levels.
4. Mutual Respect: Both partners should respect each other’s needs and work collaboratively to find a balance that honors both individuality and togetherness.

Notable Quotes

• Mandy B: "I need my space. And to me, it sounds even stranger for me to go stay by myself." [07:04]
• Mindy B: "People should be allowed to have... boundaries without being labeled as insecure." [48:59]
• Mandy B: "I'm very aware that I need space from people... I need to recharge my social battery." [05:06]
• Mindy B: "How do we learn each other's boundaries? How do we learn what to do?" [54:21]
• Mandy B: "Communication is key. We've been saying that since probably the beginning of time on this podcast." [53:44]

Conclusion

Episode 417 of Decisions, Decisions offers a candid exploration of the delicate balance between quality time and personal space in relationships. Through honest conversations and personal anecdotes, Mandy B and Mindy B provide listeners with valuable perspectives on setting healthy boundaries, addressing insecurities, and fostering trust. This episode serves as a guide for those navigating the complexities of modern relationships, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and open communication.

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Note: Timestamps correspond to the conversation segments in the provided transcript.

Transcript

[Mandy B]

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[Weezy]

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[Charlamagne Tha God]

Peace to the planet. I go by the name of Charlamagne Tha God and guess what? I can't wait to see y'all at the third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, we're coming Back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April 26th at Pullman Yards. And it's hosted by none other than Decisions, Decisions, Mandy B Is and Weezy. Okay, we got the R and B Money podcast with Tank and J. Valentine. We got the Woman Evolved podcast with Sarah Jake Roberts. We got Good Mom's Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with her Neck in Sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast with more to be announced. And of course, it's bigger than podcasts. We're bringing the Black Effect Marketplace with black owned businesses. Plus the Food Truck court to keep you fed while you visit us. All right, listen, you don't want to miss this. Tap in and grab your Tickets [e-mail] podcast festival.

[Mindy B]

Welcome to Decisions Decisions.

[Mandy B]

I don't think you should say Decisions, Decisions. It sounded like you was talking. It cursed him.

[Mindy B]

You definitely say the welcome.

[Mandy B]

Welcome to the new podcast.

[Mindy B]

Oh wait, you want to say it together. Decisions, Decisions.

[Mandy B]

Hey guys, no holes. Bard is going live and tickets are available now.

[Mindy B]

We are so excited to be back on the road. We've added so many new cities. And don't worry, this is not your average book tour.

[Mandy B]

That's right, no holds barred. A dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power is hitting the stage. And for everyone that's coming, general admission and vip. You do have the opportunity to add a signed copy of the book to your ticket.

[Mindy B]

Make sure you hurry up. Click the link in this bio. We're going to see you soon.

[Mandy B]

Welcome, everybody, to another episode of Decisions, Decisions.

[Mindy B]

I'm your girl, Mindy B. I am Weezy. Wtf? We are back for another episode, and we haven't really caught up about much, but we know Mandy got a boyfriend.

[Mandy B]

Oh, yeah. I mean, we've been saying that now for a while. You know, things are good.

[Mindy B]

So how do you guys schedule? So, you guys, last time I know you saw him, we were in Denver for work.

[Mandy B]

Yeah. I'm going literally after this trip to LA to be with him for one of his work things, and then he's already looking up flights to come to Atlanta to spend another week with me. It's so strange because I enjoy my space. Even in my last relationship, I would see my partner three to four days a week. There's not a trip I go on where I want to be there more than four days. It doesn't matter if it's international or not. Like, I literally go to Abu Dhabi for my birthday for four days. And so I could tell he's having a thing about that.

[Mindy B]

Uh.

[Mandy B]

Cause he's like, I guess I only get to see you for three to four days.

[Mindy B]

Oh, low key. Mandy. I was about to be like, can you stay one more day so we can record? I get to LA Sunday.

[Mandy B]

Yeah, no, I'm leaving. I gotta go back for work in Atlanta. But I literally am like, I know my capacity as a person to be around somebody. Like, it's to the point where even when people started staying with me, when I still lived here in New York, by after the third day, I would get them a hotel. Like, I cannot be confined in a space with someone very long. And I'm very aware of that. And so because we're now staying at each other's place, I'm like, well, babe, this is the capacity I have.

[Mindy B]

Did you vacation with your friends for longer?

[Mandy B]

No, not for more than four days. Literally. With Crystal, we went to South Africa for four days. I lived in Asia. I was living in Singapore. And we did each stop at a different time. But also, like, in one, we'd have a villa, multiple rooms. In one, we'd have multiple rooms. If there was more than, like, we wouldn't stay in the same room.

[Mindy B]

Okay, well, two bedroom keeps me happy.

[Mandy B]

Yeah. Like, Well, I don't have another bed. My second bedroom is a content space and luckily I have an upstairs and downstairs now. But no, I realize like, how much I need my space. And I'm trying to talk to him because he's lived with his last two exes and so he's used to that confinement and being around someone, well, that's.

[Mindy B]

Been a lot of experience for being.

[Mandy B]

That young, but I haven't. So I am just like trying to tell him it's not about you, but to me, in order to. I hate that he takes it as like I'm dealing with him or putting up with him, but I'm just fully aware that I need space from people. Like, even Rosie just came and spent a couple days in my house and before she came, she went and stayed with a friend before she even came to my house because I knew how long she was gonna be in Atlanta. And luckily I have my little discount, but I will literally buy somebody a hotel room so that they're not in my space. So right now with being that we're commuting to see each other and again, luckily it's been every two to three weeks, so I feel lucky. It's like, baby, four days. So when he comes to Atlanta, how.

[Mindy B]

Much more with you would he like, I don't know.

[Mandy B]

He, he, I don't know, I don't care. Like, he literally just booked a flight to where he's like, technically it's five, but it's not. So he's coming in Monday night at like 2am, so technically that's Tuesday and leaving Friday to him, that's a Monday through Friday. So he's sneaking in a fifth day. But I'm like, babe, I don't want you to take it like, thing, but there's literally nobody in the world that I wanna spend that much time with. Like, even my family. I'll go to Orlando and spend one day. Like, I really like my alone time. I really like the ability to recharge my social battery. And I'm fully self aware that I like my space. I like my time. I like that. And I almost need it. It's not even that I like it, I need it. And so that's what we're talking about now. Cause he's like, babe, we live like on two different coasts. Like, damn, can I see? Like, he literally wants me to go see his family in Italy this summer. And I was like, okay, well I'll go there for about four days and you could stay longer.

[Mindy B]

Stop.

[Mandy B]

Swear to God, I Kind of get that you. You know what I mean?

[Mindy B]

Like, no, no, no.

[Mandy B]

That's a lot.

[Mindy B]

But if you're with his family for four days and then you guys do.

[Mandy B]

Something else, that's still being with him for more, like, that is a lot. I need my. And. And to me, it sounds even stranger for me to go stay by myself.

[Mindy B]

What's the longest vacation you've ever taken?

[Mandy B]

Maybe five days with a partner.

[Eden]

Only five days?

[Mandy B]

No, not with a partner. Even with friends. But I'm now just like, even since then, I have my own room. Like, even Deandra's birthday.

[Mindy B]

Like.

[Mandy B]

Like, I could call Crystal right now. Like, I kind of want to call her right now. I mean, I can meet you and be like Crystal. And Crystal is who travels with me everywhere. That's the longest we've done. Is four days even going to South Africa? We did Johannesburg for two days and Cape Town for two days. Four days is like, literally my max to be around people before. I'm like, I'm finna go off by myself. I need.

[Mindy B]

Now that is what. Like, Vinnie and I have traveled for weeks on end together.

[Mandy B]

Oh, nah, I've never done.

[Eden]

That's kind of crazy. I'm not gonna lie.

[Mindy B]

Yeah, we, like, travel. I mean, that's what we used to do. We're young, exploring Europe. We're exploring as.

[Mandy B]

Even when I toured two weeks around.

[Mindy B]

We love it. But what we do is we separate. So if we're not in separate rooms, which for most of the time at this age now, that always happens. But yeah, we. He would do his own thing. I'd stay in. Like, I'm not. And him and I. And that's why Vinnie and I are such good friends. We could be in a club, lose each other and find each other and not be angry and you know some motherfuckers.

[Mandy B]

Oh, yeah. No, I do that with all people.

[Mindy B]

Be like, oh, well, we did that. We came together. I've never been like that, and maybe that's what helps. But you're making me think, because. So Brianda met somebody and I wanted to see a photo, and she's like, no, because you and my partner live in each other's skin. And you're gonna tell him. And I have to keep it close to the chest. It's between me and God until it goes forward. And I'm like, I'm not gonna tell him. She's like, yes, you are. And I remember she came back from a date, and he was in the house, and we both sat there, like, tell us and yeah, I think a lot of our friends feel like that right now, that we are spending a lot of time together. And I don't know, like, it's interesting because there are two different types of people, you know? Like, one of my friends is dating someone who feels the same as your partner. Kind of like, why can't I have more with you when we live in two different cities? And he's like, bro, it's not even about her. I just. After a few days, I'm like, ah, I need to be alone.

[Mandy B]

It's not about him. And I told him that.

[Mindy B]

Whereas my partner is like, I'm not really feeling that. I don't feel like my alone time is needed to recharge. I may need a moment of not talking or being. Having some space, but I don't feel like that. Even in Thailand, we were doing. We never really had a moment where we were feeling like, I need a night alone. But I think it's just everyone's temperament because my friend that expressed that to me was like, bro, I feel so bad that I'm in love with her and she thinks I don't wanna be around her. However, I will say I said to him, how do you then be with someone long term? That completely feels invalidated because you can't spend that much time with them.

[Mandy B]

Oh, no, they gotta take that up with a therapist. I'm telling him it's not about him. Like, and I think that that's the problem with dating. I know you chuckled a little bit, but to be fair, I'm very aware of my. If you feel invalidated when I'm telling you it's not you, it's me needing space. I'm a human being who has had a lot of time alone, who spends a lot of time around other people, who works a lot in a capacity where I'm constantly around other people. I'm fully aware that I need space. This has nothing to do with a lack of interest to you. This has nothing to do with my investment to you. This has nothing to do with how much I like you. And it's so funny because we both are catching ourselves with the L word right now. And he's like, oop, almost said it. I was like, okay, bye, babe. And we do this thing where we kiss when we hang up and we're both not saying it, but I'm like, I feel so adored by this man. Like, I really genuinely like him. And it's so crazy because when we're, like, around each other, the PDA is Crazy. Like, we. We. We hug, we hold hands, we have to wrap each other around each other. Like, the forehead kisses, the mouth kisses.

[Mindy B]

But what compromise can you for the man that I like?

[Mandy B]

To me, that's not a compromise. My compromise is four days and I'm spending money to come to la. You spend money to come to Atlanta. We meet in between, we make these plans. I love the idea of missing you, but in this space that I'm in where I'm constantly around other people, I really, wholeheartedly need my recharge, like, and I think that's why I'm really enjoying this move right now. Because I don't have the FOMO of being outside in Atlanta. And I literally just spend time in my house. Oh, you should see, I'll be laughing.

[Mindy B]

That's made me laugh because, like, I can feel that. Because when I'm in New York, I get.

[Mandy B]

New York makes me feel a. I don't feel. I feel like I have to be outside and it's constantly. My mind doesn't stop. Oh, you should see. Y'all could talk about me as a cat mom. I don't care. There's times where I'm literally at the house and I will lock Bodie in a room because he just be trying to be up on me sometimes. Bode, go away now.

[Mindy B]

Hold on. I will put Bodie in a room. Laughed when Mandy said.

[Eden]

I guess it's more so of the fact that I'm wondering, is it down to a T that you know that it is a four day thing?

[Mindy B]

Yes.

[Mandy B]

Like, even with traveling. Yes. Like, I'm going to Jamaica, literally for Labor Day weekend, y'all. Choco bliss. Get your tickets now. Join me there. And it's five to seven days. And I'm like, yeah, I don't know if I. I can't. I can't do that. Okay. That's what happened.

[Mindy B]

That's a long trip.

[Mandy B]

It's always a long trip. 5. Like, anything more than 4 is a long time even for me to be around. Like, Crystal, who we have a 13 year friendship. It's literally what I know. She lived with her and she had a. She had a day job. Like, I traveled a lot. Like, we even used to say there would be days where we wouldn't see each other. Bro, I had niggas coming in the house that she never met. Like, bro, how the fuck we lived together this long? And I ain't never seen this nigga that came and knocked me down.

[Mindy B]

That makes sense. But I'm thinking for compromise and genuinely, you care about this person. He cares about you. Fuck the invalidation thing and saying it's an insecurity. He wants to go on a trip with you. Europe is far, right? Let's just say he's like, yo, I would love to spend three days with you and my family and three days with us on the beach, like, in Europe. Like, that's a long trek for both of you, especially him being in la.

[Mandy B]

For him, it's a long trek. For me, it's six to eight hours.

[Mindy B]

But still, it's a thing he wants to do with you. Could you. Because you.

[Mandy B]

He's.

[Mindy B]

What Eden's making the point of is, like, you're saying it's four days maybe. Could you try to see how you can recharge yourself while spending that much time?

[Eden]

That's actually another reason. Yet you're right. That is kind of also why I chuckled a bit. Because it makes me wonder, okay, how do we get Mandy to day five?

[Mindy B]

Right?

[Eden]

That is an interesting.

[Mandy B]

I mean, he's trying to figure it out, which is why he's trying to.

[Eden]

Yeah, that's. I mean, I think if I was your partner, I would be trying to figure out how to make just day five happen.

[Mandy B]

Yeah. But I think we're all. We're also still so new.

[Eden]

Yeah.

[Mandy B]

Like, I don't want to be in a. Like, I love that also, when we're around, there's no arguments. It's fun. Like, I love that. I don't want to get to the point where maybe he sees me so early in my funk. I'm fully aware that I need a break.

[Mindy B]

Oh, girl.

[Mandy B]

I need a recharge. A man.

[Mindy B]

Knowing you get in your moods in a relationship. He's fine.

[Mandy B]

He has seen me get testy with, like, an Uber driver. Right. Him, not. It's funny because he drives in la and I have, like, a thing about I'm going to do the Ubers. Cause every time in Vegas that he even ordered an Uber, wrong pin drop. And it was like we were waiting on a fucking car too long. So I'm just like, I got it. But to me, I mean, again, I think in relationships, I think what's important is self awareness. And I think a lot of people lack it. I am being very open with what I can deal with and what I can't.

[Mindy B]

I think you don't know.

[Mandy B]

No, I'm telling.

[Mindy B]

No, I know. I think you don't know with this person. That's unfair.

[Mandy B]

It's not unfair. It's me as a person. It's with my ex, it's with my best friends, it's with my family. It's with work. Like, and I think that's another thing. Like, damn. I'm saying what I know about myself and people are like, well, maybe you don't. Like.

[Mindy B]

I think it just lacks compromise. Seriously. I think if someone. So if the shoe was on the other foot to know that someone couldn't try for you. I think four days in Europe. I get what you mean. We have the means to bounce around and do what we want to do. But like, not everybody bounces back like that. Like, jet lag, time spent. Like, maybe he wants to show you more of what he's seen. Like, I think it's perfectly normal and okay to say, can I get another day or two out of you? And you could learn how to recharge. If it's a hard no for you, it's a hard no for you. But I think being that you have someone that you know really cares about you, I think he'd be more than willing to help you find that space. Like, and be open to it. Like if you really need the recharge. Because there has to be. At some point you learn to recharge while around a partner. Like, I think that does have to exist.

[Eden]

What does that cool down look like for you? Let's say four days happen. And this amongst your partner or like your friends? Us. Let's say like four days happens. How do you cool down and when do you know you're ready to see your partner again?

[Mandy B]

I. I literally am home the whole day.

[Eden]

Yeah, like soaking.

[Mandy B]

I take my nap. Like it's funny. Cause he knows my routine. Like when I'm home, I have a 3:00 nap. I like having on my pods. I like if I want to turn on a tv, I turn it on. Sometimes I clean. Like it's a literal shutdown from everyone. Like I might be on the phone till maybe 10am Cause I'm like a 7am riser and that's it. Like I'm literally away from crowds and people. And I think it's gotten worse because of the capacity of us even touring the live shows. The constant, like dealing with multiple teams, you know, like we're in slack. I have slack for two other businesses. Like it's a constant thing to where I literally, in order for me to show up as my best self, it's something that I need and to me we'll work around it. But that's something that I need and I don't want to get to a place where I resent somebody over compromise or being forced to do something that I don't want to. And I think that already dealing with the long distance and us finding ways to compromise with each other, we are like, I even told him like moody shit I don't really like. So I said, hey babe, if you realize you in a mood, we cannot do it. Like I did it when like he has a lot going on with work. And so even before he came to Denver, I was like, if you're in a mood and you're not in the best space, I'd rather you not come to Denver. Like, I'm also very particular with when we finally get to see each other, that we have this amazing time together, that all of the outside noise doesn't bother us enjoying each other. And I guess that's also my view on partnership. Like I'm looking at our partnership and relationship as being able to exhibit and live life together and make memories together. But it's also, I'm not looking to cohabitate. I'm not looking for marriage. I'm not looking for kids. And so all of those stressors don't exist. We should be able to like really, you know, just enjoy each other. I get to do that with my friends. I really want to be able to do that with my partner.

[Eden]

Where do you feel like your limit might be first? Let's say if we were to like try to calculate it, both the cool down and like, let's say after.

[Mindy B]

My limit is actually only social spaces with people I'm not comfortable with.

[Eden]

Time wise though. Like let's say she gave us four days.

[Mandy B]

No, she said she could be.

[Mindy B]

Oh no, I can be with my partner every day.

[Eden]

Give me. There has to be a limit. There's no way, dog.

[Mindy B]

I'm so. Okay.

[Eden]

So even though I know you're in like lovey dovey, but still not some real shit.

[Mindy B]

Like I'm very comfortable with him. You have to remember also I lived with someone before when I was in Mexico living with Obey. Like of course he's a piece of shit, but I wasn't ti I know how to live with someone and not and have my own space. I've never lived in a one bedroom with someone. I've never had a roommate where I had enough space. So I'm pretty good with that. I was actually thinking of something when you were talking because my partner also told me he's never spent this much time with someone. He's like, I really thought I needed My alone time. But we kind of know what to do with each other to recharge. He said I was in a really bad mood and don't get me wrong, we understand when space happens. But I was upset about something and he wanted to comfort me and we had plans and he said, listen, if we were living together already, what would you want me to do? Go out, sit outside? You want me to go stuff myself in the second bedroom? You need to learn how to be around me. I don't give a fuck. Like, you're sitting here screaming, calling me because you need me, but you don't want me to see you like this. I'm gonna see you and show up for you. You need some space when we're in the house. Fine, I'll take Nina, whatever. But I'm gonna see you in every emotion. We talking about marriage and being together for the future, like. And you don't want me to see you like this. That was it. I was like, I can't have you see me like this. And he was like, oh no. Like, this is. This is what life is. This is what my partnership and my me giving myself to you is.

[Mandy B]

Which is the opposite of me. So I think.

[Mindy B]

But I think no one's wrong.

[Mandy B]

No, no, no, I'm not saying you're wrong at all. This is where I love that we are different. We exist with partners that are different or may want different things.

[Mindy B]

I do want to build on this conversation for a second.

[Mandy B]

Yeah.

[Mindy B]

What's interesting about what happened was I for a moment thought what he was doing was wrong. And what I realized is that that was a big step for me because I was feeling really down, really bad and I hadn't gotten that vulnerable yet. What I was feeling was I can never let him see me like this cuz he thinks of me a certain way. So it wasn't like just a bad day, like, I need to be by myself tonight, babe. It was like, I'm really hurting. I think in my past relationships I have only came to partners when I need them. I haven't let them show up for me in those moments. And I realized that's something that makes him feel like we are closer and connected. Knowing that we can support each other because he wants it from me if he needs me. So it's weird because in one way I've definitely seen it as like, this face is good, but I also can see the other side of, hey, we have to know every facet. And it's crazy because Breonda and I go back and forth about this a lot. She's who I've talked a lot about this relationship with. I guess she's seen it the most, hands on. And she's like, damn, I don't know if I ever want to be as in love with someone as the two of you are, because I would never let my man know I was hurting like this. I would never let him know I was feeling ugly or fat or just making shit up right now. Feeling fat, feeling down about myself. I don't know if I would ever let a man see that. And I'm like, I can't believe I did let a man see that. On the contrary, we had this conversation in front of him and he was like, I wouldn't be with a woman if I couldn't understand her completely and fully. I would hate for her to have these dark thoughts about herself or something that's going on and I can't see it for you. Who am I to you then? Is there another friend that's doing this? Is there a place I can't meet? Like, how is it possible that you're hurting this bad if I'm the closest person to you and I can't help you? And we talked a lot about that because when no holes barred, I was writing it, the depression chapter set in, and he's like, have you ever been depressed with Obey said his name? I was like, a little bit. And he's like, he couldn't see it or read it. And how is it that you thought you were in love with someone and you couldn't open up to them? Like, I'm hurting. I feel like this. He's like, you're telling me you ran in the car to get on the phone with a therapist and had a man with you that loves you and you didn't say it out loud? And you know what's crazy? That showed me. I may not have been that in love because I could tell a friend easy when I need some help. But for some reason, in romantic relationships, that vulnerability looks different.

[Mandy B]

It's weird. I, even, on the opposite sense of that, had the conversation. I think we actually had this conversation on the podcast. Like, I would go to Crystal or Ish or Carla or my therapist with things. I have zero expectations of my partner being somebody to see, feel, hear everything that I'm going through. I don't put that emphasis on a romantic partner. To be someone, to be able to, like, receive or take in all of my feelings of everything that I'm doing. I think literally, I'll Text my therapist and be like, oh, shit, something's bothering me. And it's something that I may never even tell my partner because he's not a podcaster. We even talk about how we're in completely different industries. I think that where I'm at, and maybe I'm leaning more towards this poly, like, way of thinking. I have zero desire for my partner to feel or have the expect or the expectations of taking me on fully with every feeling, every issue in my life, every element of my life, because, again, he's my romantic partner. How we exist is so different than my relationship with my therapist, than my relationship with my mom, than my relationship with Crystal and all of my other best friends.

[Mindy B]

I think we do need to obviously still keep your friendships and shit. I think in this particular conversation I'm having, it's more so the vulnerability. It's not like, tell me everything, but I need to know when you're going through it and when there's pain there, because I haven't done that before. Like, I did not like to show my worst self in a relationship because I never felt like it would be conducive to how they view me. Kind of like me looking raggedy. Like, I don't want you to see me looking raggedy, but maybe, you know, it exists without makeup, whatever it might be. I think, like, that was a very interesting turning point in learning that I'm with someone that wants to be with me for the long haul. Because you're caring in a different way. I also understand because if I found out my partner was able to come to other people about things that they couldn't come to with me, not work issues, like a podcast thing, something that was deep and serious to them, that would hurt.

[Mandy B]

I don't know if that would hurt me. I think that's the crazy thing. Me and him are having these conversations a lot about what it looks like. Like, he has a female best friend. We actually just had this conversation recently, and he was like, I kind of feel like you're not as invested or don't care. Like, I'm having to try to see. What would you not allow? Like, because just with. With anything, like, what's she look like? His best friend is gorgeous. Doesn't bother me. Ooh. I have. I have a lot of. I have a lot of male best friends. And what I'm realizing is he has the confusion with my response to a lot of things, and he's like, oh, my God. Like, I went to my best friend's play, then dropped her best friend off at home and met her family and we all hung out and ate dinner before the play. And he was like, you asked me how the play was, you asked me how the dinner was, and that's it. He's like, I counted. If I shared that same story with any of my exes, I would have. All hell would have broke loose because. What do you mean you dropped off another woman home? What do you mean you met your female best friend? He was like, I actually wasn't allowed to have my best friend around in my last relationship.

[Mindy B]

Wow.

[Mandy B]

Because she was a woman. And so he's like, I had this conversation with my mom trying to figure out what the line is, because you don't show up with jealousy and rage and arguments over things that in my past relationships too. Well, but that's the thing. And I told him, I said, there's no way I would show up that way because when I'm out with Keith or I'm on the phone with Ish or I'm like, literally, my homeboy Cy came over my house the other day for game night. I said, babe, I'm around a lot of men. I said, there's no way I could show up that way because I in no way would expect your behavior to be that way with me.

[Wolf]

Some people get a wild haircut or book a spontaneous trip when life throws them a curveball. But Molly, well, she dove headfirst into a world of no strings attached sex, secret rendezvous, forbidden affairs and unforgettable adventures. And together, we tell every juicy detail in Dying for Sex, Wondry's award winning podcast that's now streaming on a TV near you, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. And to top it off, we're dropping brand new bonus episodes where I sit down with the cast to spill all the spicy secrets, desire, friendship, self discovery and the ultimate bucket list of pleasure. This is a story that had everyone talking. Listen to the original Dying for Sex and brand new episodes on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge the original series before anyone else and completely ad free on Wondry.

[Weezy]

Plus, time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 24. 7 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more Time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.

[Mandy B]

Hey, y'all. It's your girl, Mandy V. And I'm Weezy.

[Mindy B]

We're the Decisions Decisions podcast.

[Mandy B]

However, we are also the host of the third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival.

[Mindy B]

Third time's the charm.

[Mandy B]

That's right. Taking place April 26th at the Pullman Yards in Atlanta, Georgia.

[Mindy B]

Mandy is so excited to be in her hometown. Now I'm just excited to come comeback because it is my favorite festival. We're going to be seeing Carrie Champion, Good Mom's Bad Choices, Sarah Jakes Roberts. We're going to see Tank. Oh, sorry, R and B Money, but Tank. And Drop Nerds.

[Mandy B]

And as you know, the Black Effect Festival also has panels, ways to network and things to learn and things to laugh.

[Mindy B]

And liquor. They got liquor there. They do.

[Mandy B]

They got everything. They got everything. But they also have us. So we'll be hosting, keeping you entertained the entire time, Weezy. Where can they get tickets?

[Mindy B]

You can get your tickets@black effect.com podcast festival.

[Mandy B]

That's right. We can't wait to see you there.

[Mindy B]

Wolf. Just because you're hoteppy. So my partner has told me this is the first time he's ever been around a woman that's had so many men around. And now, you know, my homeboys are his Alex, Andre, whatever, even my gay male friends. Right? I'm bringing this up because when Bri found out my male friends were hanging or maybe one needed to stay over because I have a two bedroom in New York, she's like, there should be no male female friendship. Like the fuck? That's way too close. Do you think a woman having close male friends is something you could deal with or something that's respectful to a long term relationship?

[Mandy B]

Not. Not. Hey, Edden, you're on camera. Are you not on camera? Cause you laughing. Oh, you ain't on camera. That's why you laughing. Okay.

[Mindy B]

Cause we have different male friendships and pretty much running our shit the same. I want to know what you think.

[G]

It gotta be like absolutely no chance humanly possible that there's like some intimacy or like thoughts about each other. It gotta be 100%.

[Mindy B]

How do you ever know that though? And see, this is the conversation. Eden's pointed at me because my man is like, all them niggas wanna fuck you. I believe. I don't believe no man. It wouldn't take it if you wanted to suck they dick. If you wanted to fuck em, it would. They're not your brother, best friend's point.

[G]

Of view usually the case. It's gonna take some interrogation. You know what I mean? It's gonna take some interrogation.

[Mandy B]

Not interrogation, you interrogating the male friend.

[G]

Interrogating everything. Asking her, what have y'all been through? What type of. Have y'all slept in the same bed? Like, certain things are, like, good cues to be like, mm, there's something going on right here. Like, y'all sleeping in the same bed once before. That's a red flag for me, sleeping.

[Mandy B]

In the same bed together. But if there was no sex, nigga, maybe we had a king bed.

[G]

Niggas cuddled before or some shit like that.

[Mindy B]

Cuddling.

[Mandy B]

Cuddling is different than just laying in the bed.

[Mindy B]

Alex and I had to share a bed, and it was awful. We were in Soho House in Israel. They had no two beds. And he was like, I'm gonna get the pillow. Cause bitch ain't no couch. What you want me to do? But I remember it being weird. And I. I was single at the time. And I remember when he called his girl, I was like this. I can't believe this bitch knows I'm right here. Like, is he insane? And she's very secure. Cause it wouldn't be me. I don't like that. You ain't about to sit up in the motherfucking bed with your female best friend. Are you high, nigga?

[Eden]

That's interesting. What a contrast.

[Mindy B]

No, I think there needs to be boundaries, number one.

[Eden]

Oh, for sure.

[Mindy B]

My partner told me when we first met, like, what the fuck are you going to dinner with niggas for? What?

[Mandy B]

I go to dinners. I was just like, how's it?

[Mindy B]

I was like, I'm so confused. I thought this was normal. Now I see Now I think what's happened now is he's just like, maybe because he has a relationship with these men. But also, I'm bouncing around different cities. I'm catching my homeboys wherever. Like, we're talking about work, whatever. I get it. But he's like, how the fuck would you feel about me taking advantage of bitch?

[Mandy B]

My boyfriend FaceTimed me. He went over his best friend's house, and she was cooking. She was cooking a lot of food. And he went over, and her homegirls was there, and I'm on FaceTime.

[Mindy B]

What if it was just them?

[Mandy B]

Zeus, he's. That's his best friend, right? I have. I have male best friends.

[Mindy B]

So I used to.

[Mandy B]

And I used to cook for people.

[Mindy B]

I used to cook for Alex when we were both single. I'mma be honest this is someone I own a business with and I've been friends with a long time. I can understand if I was making a meal for Alex, how that would make my partner feel right now. Yes. Now in his mind, Alex and I are always gonna talk about work when we're around each other. Now it's just turned into that. But I'm trying to think, what if it was Andre?

[Eden]

Now I feel hypocritical. Cause I'm like.

[Mindy B]

Cause I do think it's kind of creepy. Why are. If Andre. Cause. And Andre's the close male friend I have that I don't have networking or work relationships. Right. Andre comes over just for me to cook for him now.

[Eden]

But y'all close, though.

[Mindy B]

I know.

[Eden]

And see, that's different.

[Mandy B]

That's what I'm saying.

[Eden]

Okay, see, this is the thing. If a stranger cooked. If my girl cooked a meal for another dude, I don't really know like, that, I'm like, what the fuck? If this is, like, one of her bestest friends, I'd be like, okay, cool. It's not a big deal. Now, my girl, I could only imagine if she. Someone cooked a meal for me in either sense, I could see them.

[Mindy B]

But can you see your girl going.

[Mandy B]

Over the man's house?

[Eden]

It is a double standard.

[Mandy B]

Can he have a homemade meal? My man did, and I was like, okay, babe, good, because your cooking looks like dog food, so I hope you get fed.

[Mindy B]

Well, let me tell you what I think is the thing, the only thing, and this is fucked up. I really believe this. And I'm lucky that in these two male relationships, it's not the case. However, it was the case in other ones. It's never happened to me with Al or Andre, but there's always one that if something was a little different, they would do it.

[Eden]

So the question is, are you allowed to cook for another person?

[Mindy B]

No, no. I'm saying, do y'all believe that in a male and female dynamic, there's always one who feels like.

[Mandy B]

I mean, I'm not gonna lie. Me and him just. It's funny, because where I don't exhibit jealousy at all, he kind of does. I was telling him a story about. I'm not gonna say which person, but someone in a sex club has made me squirt before, right? And I was just at a sex club in. In Atlanta, and they were there, and my homegirl got to experience the magical fingers. And so I'm telling him, see, you.

[Eden]

Can'T say magical fingers.

[Mandy B]

Magical fingers.

[Eden]

Like, if I was your man, hearing this. And I just heard my girl talk about magical fingers squirm.

[Mindy B]

Making my girl squirm.

[Eden]

I'd be sick.

[Mandy B]

Anyway, anyway, what's crazy is so I'm telling him that, you know, ah, ah, ah. And he was like, we're going to put a pin in this because I feel away. What do you mean? You were just in the room with someone who had fingered you before. And I was like, yeah, the optics are tough. And I said, and when he fingered me, nigga, it was with and with the permission of my ex boyfriend in.

[Mindy B]

A sex club in your relationship today as it stands, can you get. Could you have gotten fingered by him?

[Mandy B]

Oh, I'm not going to lie. And maybe y'all will hear more of it on Patreon. I literally went out the other night and literally text him so drunk. Babe, what's our boundaries again? Because I want to eat pussy tonight. And I literally fucked someone.

[Mindy B]

No, no. Like I fucked a girl, not women.

[Mandy B]

And well, no, no, no. Right now it's just women. He's even said, babe, if we have so much time apart and you have the urge, I would want you to share with me that urge to see a man. Because I'm probably trying to book the next flight out, but if we're in a space where like he's looking at a role right now, that might take him to Europe for months.

[Mindy B]

And she said, I'm only going over there four days.

[Mandy B]

I can't get to Europe because maybe we're on tour. I let him know we'll have that conversation. But you could have sex. And baby, if I'm in the need, I'm going to need some too.

[Mindy B]

Do you think he has the same sexual appetite of like wanting to fuck other people?

[Mandy B]

No, he's told me he doesn't. Okay, that's on him. I like women.

[Mindy B]

Why don't you look at me like that?

[Mandy B]

Otherwise, I mean, I like women. Which is why, like, I, I did, I, I hit him up and was like, babe, I really want to like be with a woman tonight.

[Mindy B]

But right now he doesn't want you to have sex with other men.

[Mandy B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. But I don't need to. Like, even the way he's like the flowers, you don't need to have sex.

[Eden]

With other women either. I just want to say that.

[Mandy B]

Well, no, he ain't got a pussy, so it's completely different. Like, sex and intimacy with a woman is way different than a man, which is why I've said we are non monogamous and an Element of that is because when and if I have the desire to be with a woman, I don't want that caged away.

[Mindy B]

Niggas love that shit though. But I think the real truth is that they love it when they can.

[Mandy B]

Be a part of it. No, they also love it when they can be a part of it, mind you. I also. So he asked me about the like, so, baby, did you get pussy last night? I said yeah. He was like, ooh, tell me about her. I said, it was my friend. And me and her just went and got food the other night. And so even him, he's like, ooh, she was really touchy on you. But I'm like, nigga, you know, we fuck. So what? That's my friend. He's having to get used to the fact that, well, I've fucked quite a bit of my friends. Like, he's about to meet one in la, babe, we've had sex before. Like, and so now he's like, I want to know who you've had sex with before, even if I meet them. And I said, okay.

[Mindy B]

Oh, I think that's a good rule.

[Mandy B]

Yeah, I think that's fine, girl.

[Mindy B]

We just went out to some I'm a piano party at Ludlow House. And I'm like, it was so funny. I was like, damn, that girl looks so cute and familiar. I thought she was like an influencer. So he's looking embarrassed and I'm like, what's wrong? Oh, is that the bitch who fucked in the parking lot that one time? And then a second later I'm like, ooh, I went out with that nigga. And he's like, who the fuck are we, bro? We just niggas that fucking. We can't go nowhere. And I love having that. But I will say I like knowing I don't wanna be around no bitch. I'm saying what's up too. Cause I'm a cool ass bitch, bro. You told me you was fucking a bitch last week when I was out of town. As long as I know I'm okay, I'm very, very comfortable. The sneakiness is what I can't do. Knowing that I could be around somebody that you are keep. You're holding this from okay, so you.

[Mandy B]

I don't know, maybe I'm just.

[Eden]

One's a good time to tell your said partner about this, by the way.

[Mandy B]

What do you mean?

[Mindy B]

If we're in a space, let's just say we go out to a restaurant bar.

[Eden]

Do I tell them? Because I've had scenarios like this before.

[Mindy B]

Where you brought this part before too.

[Eden]

Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I've had a partner and then she was around another girl that.

[Mindy B]

Yeah, you don't let me see.

[Eden]

Fornicated with. And then. So, okay, so. Okay, so I gotta do it there.

[Mindy B]

Yes.

[Eden]

Ah.

[Mandy B]

Oh, you should have seen the way me and. Me and my boyfriend just been telling stories and I brought up somebody and he was like, ah, that's awkward. I had a relationship with that person. So then he brings someone else up and I had to be like, ah. You remember how you were weird about me because they were celebrities? So I was like, ah, you want.

[Mindy B]

To know how it was weird?

[Mandy B]

I brought up that girl. Oh, I'm adjacent to. Oh, yeah, that guy that you just mentioned. I. We kind of. And it's so funny because he was.

[Mindy B]

Like, I'm actually kind of.

[Mandy B]

I mean, we did. We kind of.

[Mindy B]

I kind of. I kind of let him put it in.

[Mandy B]

Yeah, it was only like a two time thing. And here he goes. Because he knows now.

[Mindy B]

He was like, would you.

[Mandy B]

You said what?

[Mindy B]

Would you want to know if you were in the same space or would you want to know later?

[Mandy B]

Or do you mean in the same space?

[Eden]

Like when do you want that out?

[Mindy B]

Or like you're going to one of his work events? Yeah, let's say there's a colleague he slept with or a woman that's in the field, whatever. Would you want to know if you guys are around her all night or would you want to know later? Do you have a boundary with that?

[Mandy B]

That you know yet let me know in January changes anything.

[Mindy B]

No, I'm saying Mandy. But when would you feel weird if he told you? The next day.

[Eden]

What do you do next week?

[Mindy B]

I was there three, three hours.

[Mandy B]

I mean, it depends if we are talking to each other. If it's a woman who's just in the room, that I don't have a connection, he would never maybe know. She comes up and, you know, I'm introduced to her at that moment when she leaves us. Maybe tell me because now I've.

[Mindy B]

So you want to know in the.

[Mandy B]

Playlist only if we've interacted.

[Mindy B]

Yeah, that's the point.

[Mandy B]

If she's just in the room so Mackie doesn't point out everybody that you've fucked in the room. If I, like, I might not have even seen this.

[Mindy B]

There shouldn't be that many people in the room. But I will say I've never seen him ignore someone he slept with. Generally speaking, he'll tell me, oh, that girl over there. And he'll always say hello.

[Mandy B]

Oh, I ain't gonna hold you or.

[Mindy B]

Introduce my old niggas.

[Mandy B]

Hey, if you see me with a nigga, do not come up and speak to me. Do not disrespect. We are not together. If I am with another nigga, I'm not gonna lie. I think it's petty and it's disrespectful. What if we fucked before and I'm outside with another nigga? Do not text me. DM me. Or, I mean, do not text me.

[Eden]

That's weird.

[Mandy B]

Text me. Say you saw me in a room. Okay, wait, that's kind of wild. Get the fuck outta here.

[Eden]

That's weird.

[Mindy B]

What's weird?

[Eden]

Like, the dude texting her.

[Mandy B]

Oh. I'd be like, yo, I saw you, but I seen you as well.

[Mindy B]

Which happened.

[Mandy B]

No, no, no. Even I was in Nobu.

[Eden]

Go say hello.

[Mandy B]

I was a Nobu before I got with my boyfriend.

[Mindy B]

Wait.

[Mandy B]

Nope.

[Mindy B]

You're saying don't say hello.

[Eden]

No. Go say hello.

[Mindy B]

Don't say hello.

[Mandy B]

Fuck no.

[Eden]

Why?

[Mindy B]

Why are we acting like you want.

[Mandy B]

To know if you cross the room and you see me on a date or with somebody and all we did was fuck? Let's be very clear. Y'all know a bitch only got one.

[Eden]

Okay, never mind. That's different from an event.

[Mandy B]

I fucked and you see me out with another nigga. Do not make yourself be known. Do not come and say hi. Keep your ass across the room.

[Mindy B]

I mean, if I see you.

[Mandy B]

When I see you, you got me fucked up. There's no reason if all we did was fuck, which again, y'all know I got one ex. Everybody else situationships. Fuck boys. Do not come and speak to me while I'm on a date with another man.

[Mindy B]

Say nothing. So, no.

[Mandy B]

If I see a man from across the room that I slept with who is clearly out with another woman, I'm not making my way to go over there to say hi.

[Mindy B]

I mean, lame. Not going to. I'm saying don't get in close proximity, like, at the bar, or. I'm not gonna not. I'm like, head down.

[Mandy B]

No, no, no. That's why I distinct. I distinctively said, if we are across the room, there's no reason for you to make your way to come say hi. So I guess I wouldn't do this.

[Mindy B]

I have a thing of. I'm pretty okay with coexisting with people I fucked.

[Mandy B]

Oh, me too. We can coexist. If I am there with another man. Do not come in and introduce yourself.

[Eden]

So you guys are two completely different personalities. Clearly. What would be the. How do I say it to you?

[Mandy B]

Right.

[Eden]

I'm in the vicinity of a woman that I've fornicated with. And I'm with you right now, baby.

[Mindy B]

That girl in the red, I fucked her.

[Eden]

That sounds a little too easy. And I don't want to fall into that trap. I don't.

[Mandy B]

Well, to me. To me, it depends your expectations. If you've already had the previous conversation literally bring up. Babe, you know, you remember how we said if we were in a space, you would want to know if I had sex with anyone in the room? Well, the girl over there. It was years ago. You don't have to worry about it. We don't even talk anymore. Just want to tell you. But, I mean, even if it was. Well, it wouldn't have been last week. This is. You're in a relationship. You've discussed these boundaries. Right?

[G]

Right.

[Mandy B]

Then it becomes that. But again, you've had the conversation, so you preface it with the same way I did. Babe. What was our boundary again about women? You want to know before or after? That's literally what I text him while I was out. And he was like, babe, you about to. And I said, yeah, I really want some tonight. And I told him about it the next day.

[Eden]

This might sound high schoolish, but now if. What if you didn't fuck her? What if you made out with her before?

[Mandy B]

Made out? Date. You could say we dated. I mean, that's a loose term now.

[Mindy B]

I still had those warnings. There was a DJ that I really wanted to go see, and he was like, just letting you know, might have finger popped and some shit. And I was like, oh, my Lord. So then I'm not buying tickets. You get them.

[Eden]

Oh, that's crazy.

[Mandy B]

That bitch is fire.

[Mindy B]

I don't give a fuck. We still go.

[Wolf]

Some people get a wild haircut or book a spontaneous trip when life throws them a curveball. But Molly, well, she dove headfirst into a world of no strings attached sex, secret rendezvous, forbidden affairs and unforgettable adventures. And together, we tell every juicy detail in Dying for Sex, Wondry's award winning podcast that's now streaming on a TV near you, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. And to top it off, we're dropping brand new bonus episodes where I sit down with the cast to spill all the spicy secrets. Desire, friendship, self discovery, and the ultimate bucket list of pleasure. This is a story that had everyone talking. Listen to the original Dying for Sex and brand new episodes on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts, you can binge the original series before anyone else and completely ad free on Wondri.

[Mandy B]

Hey, y'all. It's your girl, Mandy V. And I'm Weezy.

[Mindy B]

We're the Decisions Decisions podcast.

[Mandy B]

However, we are also the hosts of the third Inc. Black Effect Podcast Festival.

[Mindy B]

Third time's the charm.

[Mandy B]

That's right. Taking place April 26th at the Pullman Yards in Atlanta, Georgia.

[Mindy B]

Mandy is so excited to be in her hometown. Now I'm just excited to come back because it is my favorite festival. We're gonna be seeing Carrie Champion, Good Mom's Bad Choices. Sarah Jakes Roberts. We're gonna see Tank. Oh, sorry, R and B Money, but Tank. And Trap Nerd.

[Mandy B]

And as you know, the Black Effect Festival also has panels, ways to network and things to learn. And things to learn.

[Mindy B]

And liquor. They got liquor there.

[Mandy B]

They do. They got everything. They got everything. But they also have us. So we'll be hosting, keeping you entertained the entire time. Weezy. Where can they get tickets?

[Mindy B]

You can get your tickets@black effect.com podcast festival.

[Mandy B]

That's right. We can't wait to see you there.

[Mindy B]

I don't know. I feel it's like this, right? I'm speaking from a slight place of privilege in this moment because of the status of my relationship. However, I've definitely been in scenarios where I wasn't in a committed relationship. I was just dating, and I felt, like, not as secure. When someone makes you feel secure, it's easy to feel easy breezy about other women. Men make women feel invalidated a lot of the time about their place in their life or whatever, or just feeling like their eyes are on other women, whatever the case may be. So it does take a lot of confidence to get there. So I don't know if everyone can feel that in this particular moment, who's listening if it happens. But what I would say, definitely talking about respect and how you'll be treated in those spaces. That's happened to me a lot. I've always thought to myself, oh, my God, what if we're at a show and this nigga fucked one of the people in the audience? Right? How would that make me feel? What do we do? How do we carry it on? Especially being that he's fucked women I'm fans of. That's kind of weird. But also, at the same time, it's not. You guys are hot people. Of course you fuck some model bitches out here. Duh. So I think it's really just like, how will we Conduct ourselves in these spaces, what will we do?

[Mandy B]

It's also not the conducting in space. I think what I'm realizing with my partner now is the unhealthy level of toxicity that exists in relationships in terms of, oh, you only think I care if I showcase jealousy. You only think I care if I'm arguing with you about this and that. Like the fact that he's like, babe, you don't get mad at me when I'm doing things that other women have got mad about. And I'm like, babe, you have to realize like, that those were women who led with their insecurity or brought their traumas into a relationship. That just because I'm not getting upset doesn't mean I care less for you.

[Mindy B]

That's not true. If a woman is upset about him eating at his best friend's house, that doesn't mean she's insecure at all.

[Mandy B]

Well, to me, if it's. If it's a woman, it could be a trauma because maybe an ex fucked their last, you know, his last friend.

[Mindy B]

Yeah, but you can have a boundary without being insecure.

[Mandy B]

To me, though, the element of platonic friendships being a quote unquote boundary for people, I do think that that is a toxic and insecure tricks.

[Mindy B]

People should. People are allowed to have. We are so far on the non, like, ethical, non monogamy scale. I think we forget normal, possible, regular boundaries for some.

[Mandy B]

But I think a lot of. But normal things need to be unlearned.

[Mindy B]

No, they don't. People can have boundaries and they're not labeled as insecure. For example, you know your person has a platonic friend. Cool. Maybe the boundary is being in the home. Maybe you just don't want your man going to that woman's home and her coming into his. That's totally fine as a boundary. I don't have that one and neither do you. But that doesn't make someone insecure because they have that boundary. The levels of respect that people have for each other or want for themselves doesn't make them insecure. Because I want my man and I to talk openly about sex or right now we're monogamish. That doesn't make me insecure.

[Mandy B]

I think insecure is one of the words that have such a negative connotation that there's insecurities we all hold. If the insecurity is because this person is of the opposite sex, where is that stemming from that you have no problem with him going over his boy's house? I think when I bring up the insecurity it is the lack of trust and the inability to view. Let me finish. Because if the only difference is this person can't do this with a female friend, but he could do it with a male friend, there's an insecurity or lack of trust. I'll use that since there's such a. Such a stigma around the word insecure. But I think that when we act as though people of opposite genders can't hold these platonic relationships, or you don't trust your partner to not slide or the woman to slide if they can do something with their male friends that they're not allowed to do with their female friends, I say, and this is my opinion alone. Again, everyone has one. An opinion and an asshole. You could disagree with me here, but I'm not wrong. You're not wrong. I believe and I perceive it to be an insecurity if the boundaries are only associated to friends of the opposite sex.

[Mindy B]

So then, since you consider it a lack of trust, can he sleep over? Then can he go on vacation with her? No, no, no. Because to your point, if going in the home is the insecurity boundary, then where do you draw a line? Because if you have none, then you have none. But I actually think that's really unfair to say because, yes, there needs to be boundaries.

[Mandy B]

I agree with boundaries in a relationship. I agree with that. I'm not disagreeing with that.

[Mindy B]

How come a boundary for what I want within a platonic friendship is lacked? Is me lacking trust in you or being insecure? That's a boundary. A boundary is not an insecurity.

[Mandy B]

No, there's not. But again, when you're in a romantic relationship, you also. And everything is customizable. So boundaries don't necessarily. Aren't necessarily an umbrella over a friendship or relationship.

[Mindy B]

What would your line be? What is he not allowed to do with his platonic friend?

[Mandy B]

Oh, go on an international trip with just him. Why?

[Mindy B]

I did on that with Andre, and we're friends, so did you do that?

[Mandy B]

Did you do that while you were in a relationship?

[Mindy B]

I went to South Africa with him and his homeboy.

[Mandy B]

So that's a group setting. We literally just have a situation.

[Mindy B]

Then we did the station.

[Mandy B]

No, a group setting to me is fine if someone else will be there. We literally just had this conversation. He's like, babe, if. If my best friend, I won't say her name, wanted me to join her in Antigua because you're going to Dreamville. Can I do it? I said, well, who else is going to be there? I said, if it's a group thing. If it's a birthday trip, if her friends are going to be there, go.

[Mindy B]

So they can go to Miami, but they can't go to Antigua.

[Mandy B]

Like, no, it's literally an international trip.

[Mindy B]

But that's what I'm saying. So they can go to Miami together.

[Mandy B]

We're all walking the carpet together with him. And a boundary would be like, no, she can't walk the carpet with you because I'm there, and I don't want. I actually. But we're all going to be there together.

[Mindy B]

I think you haven't been put in a place yet to feel uncomfortable, but you are really expressing boundaries.

[Mandy B]

Like, no, we. But I think it's customizable.

[Mindy B]

But. Right. But what you're saying could be an insecurity. Then to your point, you're insecure. You have a lack of trust. International. No, it's just something you don't like because you could feel disrespected, whereas other people can feel that alone in a home with someone. The way that you could feel respected in your relationship doesn't necessarily mean it's an insecurity. And you're saying that there's a buzzword on the insecurity, but it is also.

[Mandy B]

A buzzword on lack of trust. Again, that's not. But the. But both things can exist. Both. Like, I'm fine with saying, as a human being, we have insecurities. I'm fine with, as a human being, saying, when we're in relationships, there may be elements of lack of trust because in different scenarios, you may be tested differently. I don't have a problem with her cooking for you. Do I want y'all to be five days getting drunk together on an island together? No. And I, as a human being, can express and admit that maybe that comes from my mind working and feeling like this whole trip may not be innocent. So, no, that would be a boundary because of an insecurity. Why the whole always got a meal.

[Mindy B]

To make and a trip to go on? Hell no. Now, Wolf, I'm gonna throw it to you. What do you think would be a boundary or something you may have within platonic friendships? Just to hear from a man's perspective, because, again, Mandy and I are. I feel, like, really loose with our boundaries.

[Mandy B]

Nigga lunch come a boundary that I.

[G]

Would have for platonic friends in the relationship.

[Mindy B]

Your girl has a guy best friend.

[G]

Mm.

[Mindy B]

What are they allowed to do and not do? He's got tickets to a game.

[G]

I got one for you. I got one for you right now. If y'all hanging out. I would feel most comfortable if you let me know before I would feel, you know, I don't wanna put too much yellow tape around this one, but like, I don't wanna hear like, oh, me and Joseph went and had drinks. You know what I mean? Like, I would prefer you let me know. I just feel more secluded, you know what I mean? Something like that. But I've dealt with that in a relationship.

[Mindy B]

That's so fair.

[G]

I've dealt with that in a relationship before where the nigga came and told me, like, hey yo, like, we gonna all get drinks later today. And I was like, what you talking about? Oh, what you talking about? And I felt dumb, you know what I mean? And I didn't have a problem with him, but it was just like. The way I like to run my relationships is like, come and make sure I'm comfortable with that first. Cause I would absolutely do the same thing to you.

[Mandy B]

What's crazy about that is though, it's the simple thing of. I mean, communication is key. We've been saying that since probably the beginning of time on this podcast. But people have in telling sometimes their partner what they're going to do. A lot of times we perceive that it's going to be an argument before we even do it. So we don't feel the need to communicate it because we don't want the argument or we don't want the conflict. When in reality so much can be resolved if you just communicate that this is what you're about to do.

[Mindy B]

I also think, like, a lot of people don't. Yeah, they're not leaving the space for you to communicate that.

[Mandy B]

Yeah.

[Mindy B]

I remember the first time my partner told me about sex with someone else. So I was. I told him I want to know before. And it was. I think I was away. And he sent me a message about it. I said, okay, baby, I'll talk to you later. And he called me later that night and we started talking normal and he's like, okay, now are you going to ask me, like, when are we gonna do this? Like, it was. It was weird. It was. It was like kind of uncomfortable because it's such a new thing. Like, how do you learn each other's boundaries? How do you learn what to do? How do you learn how to tell someone you're gonna fuck someone else?

[Mandy B]

Like.

[Mindy B]

And I honestly think the uncomfortability for him was probably why he didn't really do it again. Cause it's just like, damn, this is something that maybe I don't enjoy like, maybe I can't really handle how this feels. Maybe it does feel like a cheat, because that is one of my rules. I want to know before just, like a platonic friend hangout, right? I think being the open space for wanting to be told about news is what all of us need to do. Ladies, if you have a friend, if you have a guy who wants to hang with his homegirl but ends up telling you later, I totally agree with Wolf. I agree. Let me know before. Like, but then when he tells you, you're like, oh, you gonna be on that bitch again.

[Mandy B]

I mean, to me, it's not even. I don't normally tell him everything before, but if he calls me, I'd pick up like, hey, babe, this is who I'm with. And I introduce. And I'd be like, this is my boyfriend. Like. Like, my boyfriend has met.

[Mindy B]

Almost everyone on Facet would get so annoyed with that. I know he would be like, bitch, I don't give a fuck about that nigga, get on the goddamn phone. I called you. It's so crazy because it's different strokes. I could see if I'm sitting with a dude and I answer my call, hey, this is my friend Mark. He works at Netflix. We just got a drink together. He'd be like, okay, bitch, I'm calling you. Get back on this phone. Like, I wouldn't like him introducing me to no bitch either. That wouldn't make me feel good.

[Mandy B]

I mean, but to me, it takes the guard down of it being something. I mean, you just said you have to tell him when you're with a platonic friend. I'm saying that.

[Mindy B]

I didn't say I have to. I said I would like that.

[Mandy B]

Oh, well, while I'm out, I'm not telling anybody my everyday move. Because sometimes shit is last minute and I'm not asking for permission. And I'm not. So if I'm out and you call me, hey, babe, I'm out. This is my friend right now. This is so and so. I'll call you when I get home. Mwah. Like, to me, I would appreciate that, even from him. Because now, okay, there's nothing to hide. You know exactly what I'm doing. I'll hit you when I leave.

[Mindy B]

Them hoes still wanna suck that dick. Let me tell you something. I don't give a fuck. That hoe can sit here and be like, oh, Mandy, when you come to la, I'll make you fucking curry chicken too, bitch. Put it up your ass, ho. I don't give a fuck. Them Hoes be sneaking, they be lying, and these niggas be lying. And that is why you need to buy. No holes barred. We are going to tell you all about what to do and where we.

[Mandy B]

Learn from our mistakes.

[Mindy B]

I hope you guys really enjoyed this episode. I kind of loved talking about this because even though we have so much of the same, like, because I'm the same way, right? Go out with your home girl. I don't give a fuck. We have so much of the same ethical, non monogamy ideals, but very different structures and rules around what makes us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship.

[Mandy B]

Absolutely.

[Mindy B]

It's so interchangeable. Like, I don't know, I just. I've told you recently and I've said it a few times. I'm horrible. I hate the recent E and M talk because I really don't think people know what they're doing. I don't think they know how to express what they want, how they feel comfortable. I think that everybody's just kind of seeing what fits.

[Mandy B]

I mean, I'm also with someone who has never even thought to be in it. He's very monogamous and he's open to figuring out how my mind works and how to feel safer in expressing things that in previous relationships he didn't have the autonomy to. And I love it for us. Like, I, I'm. I'm excited about us exploring these things together.

[Mindy B]

Exploring these things.

[Mandy B]

But again, I think it's also very, again, customizable. He's probably not someone that will feel as comfortable in a sex club as my previous partner. And that's fine because I've also been to three sex clubs since we've been together and I've got to express and tell him all the things. And he's like, yeah, I don't know if I would like that, but I.

[Mindy B]

Like, he would enjoy it. Seems like he loves you. No, he would hate it. No, no, no, he would hate it. I think when you care about someone very much, you enjoy watching them have a great time. And I think that when he sees how comfortable you can be, it reminds.

[Mandy B]

Me of the conversation with King Noir.

[Mindy B]

Oh, for sure.

[Mandy B]

He said he hated Pretty Ricky. If you got a friend that you want to go enjoy Pretty Ricky with, go enjoy it.

[Mindy B]

And my nigga, I gotta tell you to say, bitch, I am Pretty Ricky.

[Mandy B]

I wouldn't even want to bring my man into a space where he could ru. Because I know how even I describe it, he seems so uninterested. I. You don't have to come babe, this.

[Mindy B]

Is something that I.

[Mandy B]

Probably not.

[Mindy B]

Why would they not? You're not going to bring him?

[Mandy B]

I don't know. Probably doubt it.

[Mindy B]

You not going to bring your baby daddy?

[Mandy B]

I'm surprised.

[Mindy B]

Because he came to Denver.

[Mandy B]

Yep. And you didn't meet him there.

[Mindy B]

We're not risking to meet your boyfriend. No, you wouldn't come over.

[Mandy B]

Wally wouldn't meet your boyfriend. I'm keeping him very. I didn't. I didn't say you were begging. I'm just saying where we're at. I'm going to keep him very, very opposite of my business and work outside of this premiere. We're agreeing to do the same.

[Mindy B]

Well, y'all go ahead and check us out on patreon.com horrible decisions. And we will see you next week.

[Mandy B]

That's right. Bye.