← Decisions, Decisions
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- [00:00]
Weezy
This is an iHeart podcast.
- [00:04]
Dinesha
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- [00:42]
Weezy
If you would like to have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or a terrible thruffle, guess what? You've got decisions. Hey y' all. Welcome back to another your Got Decisions. I'm your girl, Weezy. I'm in the studio today with our producer Dinesha, and we're gonna figure out what y' all got problems with this time. If you haven't already, pre order, no holds barred. We have a masterclass that we actually have released. Insane. Mandy and I sit down, go through modules on things that are actually in the book, like how to eat pussy, how to date correctly with a matchmaker, how to safely practice bdsm, how to get over a breakup. There's so many cool things attached. If you've already pre ordered, go to the decisions, decisions. Ig, fill out the form, upload your receipt. Boom, you're in the masterclass. Okay, let me lubricate because this whole got problem. This is long now, baby. You know you should have left a voice message. That's how long this is. Okay. Hi, Weezy and Mandy. But today's Tanisha, longtime listeners since 2018. Let me get to the point. Oh, then how are there more? Five more paragraphs. I apologize in advance for this long message. My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years. I'm 30, he's 31. He told me he discovered a kink that he enjoyed based on some things that happened early on in our relationship. For the first year of us dating and being together, I would occasionally talk to other guys. Meaning talking, text, no dating or anything. They were like friends to me because I known these guys years before I met my boyfriend. Even though I knew a few of them liked me, of course I saw no issue with talking to them. I kept everything appropriate. My boyfriend didn't like it, expressed how he felt disrespected at the time, I was 22, 23. I was young. Oh, they've been together 10 years. Wow. Just called him insecure or thought he was controlling. And after a real sit down and listening to his feelings, I understood where he was coming from. And I realized that none of the guys I was talking to serve purpose. So I pretty much cut off communication. Time goes on. He's obsessing with trying to catch me with these guys or accused me of being with other guys. And I was getting overwhelmed with trying to prove to him that I wasn't doing anything. He eventually admitted to me three years ago that he got a rush from reading old dms and messages between me and the other guys. Did you know it was going to go there? Because I knew it was going to go there. It turned him on, the thought of him seeing me with another man. He did his research and found out the kink behind it is being called a hot wife slash stag. He informed me of everything and wanted to know how we could keep this kink fantasy going for him. So I agreed to try to figure it out even though I had no desire to talk to another man. Girl, everybody listening is like, go fuck another nigga. Okay. We first tried with me just being myself and telling him in detail with other experiences with men while we were having sex, which was only because I've only been with one other guy since him. Yes, I'm 30 and I've only been with two guys ever. Thank you for listening to the show for so long. Or he would like me to make up stories of being with some of the guys that I was talking to in the beginning. Once the kink was kind of getting old, I assume you meant to say we moved to FetLife. He would make a post seeking men to sext me on Snapchat and he only wanted me to interact with guys that were bigger than him in dick size. What is up with this Kanye shit? I'm not shading your man, by the way, but there is something with humiliation and dick size that is go to for men. And humiliation is a part of this kink too. Granted, he isn't that small at all. He's a good seven and a half to eight. I did that for a while because I really started to get annoyed because I didn't even like any of the guys, which made it hard for me to have a fake interest in sexting. Then we went on other apps like Black, BLK and 3Fun. I told him that sexting bitch I ain't never heard of 3Fun. I told him that sexting the strangers made me uncomfortable and I don't want to do it anymore, but he just won't get the point. He would try to bring that up and that doing this is helping him with jealousy and he's creating an open space for me to desire other men. The problem is I don't desire anyone else. He would also say that I'm the reason that he discovered this, and if I wouldn't have done what I did in the past, we wouldn't be where we are now. This shit. And I feel like it's affecting our sex life because he always wants to talk to me about other scenarios and I'm over it. Even when I make them up, I don't know what else to do. Every time I try to tell him I'm not interested in the kink, he tries to say that I'm judging him or kink shaming, and I'm not. Any advice on how I could get him to truly understand that I don't want to act on this? Well, no shade, sis. I'm not gonna shade your relationship or this kink, but you could have got that out in a paragraph. Denise, shut me.
- [05:51]
Mandy
I'm just kidding.
- [05:53]
Weezy
No, no, no. I'm. I'm actually joking. I kind of like it because the extra detail makes it more fun. But I don't even know what to say because I know everyone. If you like a cuck, cuck and hot wife. I wanted to read that. Cuckolding is watching someone else have sex with your partner while you do nothing. The hot wife, at its core, is a woman that has sexual relationships with other men with consent, full knowledge, and sometimes and most times with encouragement of the other partner. It's a normally a married woman who gets to fuck as many people as she want and the husband doesn't do it himself because then in that case it would then be like swinging lifestyle, open relationship, whatever. A stag is the man itself. So here's what I would tell you. He's getting a little ridiculous with every time you have sex. He needs to talk about this. If every time I had sex I needed to get choked, I couldn't even do that. I don't know how to explicitly give you advice on how to tell someone no because the no isn't seeming to work. The only thing that I would try to do is tell him that since because it seems like you did enjoy it in the beginning, or it could have been fun, but then it's like this became something obsessive okay. He's being very manipulative by telling you it's kink shaming. You're gonna have to hold the mirror up and be like, yo, when is the last time you had sex with me and we didn't bring up other people? This isn't about me kink shaming. This is about me wanting to just have sex with you. I'm interested in you. You seem to be interested in other things while fucking me. It makes me feel like XYZ sometimes. Just saying I don't want to. I'm bored. Da, da, da. It gives people this openness to thinking we just need persuasiveness or we're just not horny enough. You have to actually talk about how it makes you feel. You can say even things where it sounds ridiculous. Maybe to him, but sometimes I feel like you don't even enjoy this fantasy with me. This is about just having someone to do it with you. And I don't know if I could keep exploring something that doesn't feel like it's an us thing. I figured having sex with you would be something exciting for us. Feels very one sided. I feel like you don't want to please me at all. Like, those are ways to hold up the mirror. Because it is crazy that as women, we have to be like, no, no, no, no. I also almost feel a little bad for joking, like, go fuck that other nigga. Because when we hear this story, we're like, duh, we want to try this thing. But it's not like that for everybody. And so I think I want to use this time to maybe talk about something where we were like, I'm not into that. Is it happening to you yet? I feel like you ain't fuck a lot of Nicks yet.
- [08:50]
Mandy
No. I'm also like her 30 and I've only been with two people, so I can relate to sis. But honestly, no, nothing that I haven't been.
- [09:01]
Weezy
No, I've had just exploring on apps, like sex apps and stuff. A lot of people tell me that their partners couldn't exercise this kink with them and that's why they were on the apps. I wonder if there's a world for that. Like, are you even comfortable with that? Can he just do this thing and you're not included in this fantasy? That's also ridiculous as a suggestion because I know that's not what you want to hear, but I guess I'm trying to find the world where when I answer some of these questions and I'm talking outside of you right now, When I answer some of these questions, am I giving you the real advice that I would want? Here's my real advice. I don't know how safe I would feel in a relationship where I'm constantly being told I'm kink shaming or I did something wrong and now I have to sexually act on something and I don't want to make it too dark, but Diddy Cassie, coercion, sure, he's not that bad or rich and famous, but this is all like umbrella of manipulative sex and that shit don't feel good. In the book I even talk about my ex saying to me, there were these girls that wanted to fuck us. It would have been our first like foursome. And these girls wanted to hit. He literally looks at me like, come on baby, we can't have fun tonight. And now I'm like, oh my God, I'm the girl. That's boring. Like, this is all manipulative shit. And they know that they can get away with these things because we love them and we want to be down. And the same thing should be going for men. How many women have been wanting DP or a threesome with two guys? And it's a hard no. But I don't know what it is about us that makes them say, my girl will be okay. She'll do it. She'll figure it out.
- [10:53]
Dinesha
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- [11:55]
Denisha
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- [12:09]
Mandy
So how do you do it? Because you and your partner are in an open. Is it okay? So like, when you. Let's say one night, he wants to do something but you don't like, how do you tell him?
- [12:21]
Weezy
Well, I'm lucky that he's understanding, because recently we were at Labain. They have a really fun Wednesday night in New York. It's like Afrobeats and I'm a piano, and we love that shit. So we get girls numbers sometimes. There was a girl. It was. She was gorgeous, but I just wasn't in a mood that day. And he wasn't even asking me to have sex with her. He said, oh, what do you think? Like, she's been flirting with us. Like, can we go get her number? And I said, okay. Just very reluctant. He then said, no.
- [12:53]
Mandy
He picked up on it.
- [12:54]
Weezy
He's like, I don't want we like. And maybe he didn't say it as eloquently as, like, I love doing hell yeses with you consent. Da da da. He literally said, we ain't about to fight tomorrow over this bitch. If you ain't hell yes, I ain't in it. Fuck the hell. And we go and we dance. We have a good time. I brought this up when we did Kev on stage because I was like, yo, people need to read each other. And good partnership looks like reading and loving. And I've had good boyfriends that I've broken up with. I've had bad boyfriends I've broken up with. But a lot of this all tied into how well do you know somebody? Your partner not realizing that he's starting to push you, like, that is a problem. And I do think these things can be fixed. I think you got to reconnect, like, just the two of you. And he's got to know that because 10 years is long. And so if this is his new thing, we gotta figure out where I exist in this thing if I don't want it. Let's just say this is extreme, but it's. I'm thinking about it as a kink. My partner dated a girl that liked to be super choked out. Hit, dominated, crazy, spit on all of it. I could like some of these things in moderation. And after that girl, I feel like he's maybe had a little bit of a thirst for it, too. I know I can't handle it. So we gotta talk about how I exist. If you got this thing, where does Weezy come in if you're gonna have this thing now? According to him, he's like, I don't need it. Whatever. I'm not tripping. It's not something I crave. I think in five years this might come up. Now you really wanna be on your dom. Shit. And I think we gotta talk about where that comes into play. Will I change my mind? Will you only do this? Will you do it in front of me? Will I act it out like, shit? Maybe your man turns into one of the guys that are fucking a hot wife. Like, where can we all exist? And maybe you like watching it. But there has to be a place where you can exist in someone's sexuality even if you're not there. And I think that's what's really needing to be talked about with y' all. I hope that's a helpful answer because it's so hard to answer questions like this in the middle of all this Diddy Cassie, Cassie shit. Because, fuck, waking up every day and seeing it is just like, what's the worst thing you think you thought you read from the Diddy Cassie shit?
- [15:25]
Mandy
The worst thing that I saw or heard from it. Honestly, anything that has to do with, like, drugs or being drugged, I feel like that's, like, just so against your will.
- [15:37]
Weezy
Like, you know, I didn't hear anything yet about. I know she was doing drugs. I didn't know she was, like, being drugged. In my head, when I think of being drugged, I think, oh, my God, you woke up and something was different. Yeah, my worst thing so far, I'm listening to this podcast, BBC Diddy on Trial. Y' all go listen. It's every day, it's tea. And I don't mean that in a like, oh, my God, I love this happening way. I'm just saying it's a great way to listen. And t' Ray from the shade room, dat nigga be my lawyer. Okay? There was an episode on the diddy trial on BBC where the girl said that the male escort was like, I didn't even know what to do when Cassie was getting beat because Diddy is so powerful. Oh, yeah. So basically, as the story goes, there was a male escort that was brought in to have sex with Diddy and Cassie. He said the first time Diddy was covered. Hat, bandana. He said he even Knew because of the voice and just a presence alone. And then he came back a few times and he said one of the times he would just stay, smoke, chill. They would do it for hours. Right? Ain't that the crazy part of this whole Diddy trial too? Everything is four, eight hours. Like, the bitch is exhausted. I'm like, I would have. Oh, my God.
- [16:49]
Mandy
I mean, caresha said he don't go to sleep.
- [16:51]
Weezy
She did say that this don't sleep. So but that's also drug if you're a cocaine, methamphetamine. Like what I'm assuming this Hollywood life of like, up, up, up. So long story short, male escort says Kathy, Cassie was on her computer. Diddy said, come here. She said, hold on, hold on, hold on. She wanted to tie things up, I guess. So he came in the room. He can hear this. You come when I say come. And she was like, I'm sorry. It's just I have personal stuff on here. I wanted to wrap it up. And then he started to hear her getting abused. Now the prosecution is like. Or the defense is like, well, if you heard it, why you ain't help? His answer, I believe he's like, yo, Diddy is powerful. What was I supposed to do? Go in there and save her? And then something happened to me. He said, Cassie ran, jumped on his lap. He's like, are you good? She's like, yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. And basically she had to perform after that. So here's the thing that I've been fucking with as a viewer of this. There's a text message where Diddy says, I love our freak offs. When it's done right, Cassie can enjoy kinky things, but also need to be consenting and wanting and not be abused during. And so that's where this juxtaposition of is there right and wrong, and I actually really do believe it is wrong. The escort was sitting there talking about, what do I do? A grown ass man couldn't help you. And we just say things like, cassie could have walked away. Y' all niggas can't leave a job you don't like. Like what? So that's the. For me, that felt like the worst. And so when I was reading this, I was like, oh my. This is all so tied together. Like everything we read. You could have only had sex with two people. Denisha. The stories you've heard, not even on horrible other people's shows. Like, there's always some manipulative thing that's happening to Women, none of y' all are bitty. You know what I mean? And then what? You let that bum ass nigga fuck with you and he work at Target? What about Diddy? Like, what are you going to do? So that's the shit that makes me feel bad. And I think I have a lot of empathy because I don't know if I could have left. And what if you consent the first time? For those who have pre ordered no holds barred, you'll get it in a few weeks. There is a very violent R word chapter for me and one of the things I say in the chapter is, well, I had sex with him before because I wanted to. So why if I told this story to people, they would have been like, oh, well, aren't you fucking him already? So, yeah, like, I completely understand how we're all confused on Cassie's consent versus non consent. Even when she said he, he raped her after a closure talk that they had while she was dating her now husband. And then the defense said, well, did you have sex with him again? She goes, yeah, I did, but I loved him. Like, I didn't know. We all assume when something bad happens to somebody done. But the Stockholm syndrome is real and we all stick around. Not we all, excuse me, but we are sticking around thinking it'll all change. It's a constant mind frame. It's the same with bad jobs. Oh, fuck it. Like I'll get promoted soon or this will happen. Like, like something different will happen. And it doesn't. So now I know your man isn't Diddy girl to tie this all up, I think there is room to change. I think you have to hold the mirror up and talk about exactly how his actions are making you feel. And low key when you describe them. Make him feel corny. Be like you be doing all this, not in a shamy way of his sexuality, but like you be doing this. Like I'm not even in the room. Like really showing him how you feel. So hope that helps. Every Wednesday you got decisions. If you want to see the video for this and you're just listening, go to patreon.com backslash mobile decision. This is an I Heart podcast.