You've Got Decisions: How Do I Battle My Negative Thoughts On Dating? (Ft. Mama Jewel)

Summary

Decisions, Decisions: How Do I Battle My Negative Thoughts On Dating? (Ft. Mama Jewel) Hosted by Mandii B and WeezyWTF Release Date: May 21, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of Decisions, Decisions, hosts Mandii B and WeezyWTF delve into the challenging terrain of overcoming negative perceptions surrounding dating and relationships. Featuring insightful contributions from their guest, Mama Jewel, the episode addresses the concerns of young individuals grappling with past relationship traumas and the fear of vulnerability in new romantic endeavors.

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Listener's Dilemma: Battling Negative Thoughts on Dating [02:13]

The episode kicks off with a heartfelt question from a 21-year-old university student who shares her struggles with maintaining a positive outlook on relationships. She recounts traumatic experiences, including a long-term relationship with a cheater that ended in an abortion, and expresses apprehension about opening her heart again. Her dilemma centers on balancing the desire for casual sex without the baggage of emotional entanglement or feeling used.

Notable Quote:

"To me, relationships feel like such a sacrifice. Why would I pour my heart out to someone and be vulnerable for just for it to potentially come to an end?"
— Listener [03:07]

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Overcoming Negative Views on Relationships [04:18]

Mandii and WeezyWTF, along with Mama Jewel, explore strategies to transcend negative relationship experiences. They emphasize the importance of not letting past hurts dictate future relationships and encourage listeners to seek companionship and connection despite the inherent risks.

Key Points:

• Acceptance of Imperfection: Recognizing that not all relationships will go as planned but valuing the experiences gained.
• Controlling the Controllable: Understanding that while one cannot control another person's actions, one can manage their own responses and expectations.
• Embracing the Journey: Valuing the process of dating as a means of personal growth and self-discovery.

Notable Quote:

"I think for me, if you're dating at 21, what are you looking for? Like are you just waiting for a guy to woo you and make you his girlfriend or are you being intentional while you're dating?"
— WheezyWTF [06:30]

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Breaking the Cycle: Changing Dating Patterns [07:01]

The discussion shifts to identifying and altering recurring negative patterns in dating. The hosts suggest that continuously encountering similar toxic relationships may stem from fear of change and reluctance to step outside one's comfort zone. They advocate for intentionally seeking different types of partners to foster healthier relationship dynamics.

Key Points:

• Mindset Shift: Moving from a defeatist attitude to an empowered approach in dating.
• Intentional Dating: Being clear about one's desires and boundaries when entering new relationships.
• Diverse Experiences: Exploring relationships with individuals of different ages or backgrounds to gain varied perspectives.

Notable Quote:

"Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. And I relay it to my motherfucking niggas like, you not gonna sit here and which is probably why I'm with a, with a 26 year old Brit now."
— WheezyWTF [07:18]

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Navigating Casual Sex and Emotional Fulfillment [12:22]

The conversation transitions to the complexities of casual sex. The hosts discuss the fine line between enjoying physical relationships without emotional baggage and the inherent vulnerability that comes with any intimate encounter. They offer practical advice on maintaining emotional well-being while engaging in casual sexual relationships.

Key Points:

• Setting Boundaries: Clearly defining what one expects and requires from casual relationships to prevent emotional distress.
• Mutual Fulfillment: Ensuring that both parties derive satisfaction and are on the same page regarding the nature of the relationship.
• Emotional Awareness: Being mindful of one's feelings and recognizing when a casual relationship may be affecting one's emotional health.

Notable Quote:

"Casual sex is about you knowing what you want, demanding it and expressing it, and he communicating it and making sure that it's fulfilling for both parties."
— WheezyWTF [14:54]

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Empowerment Through Self-Love and Therapy [06:48]

The hosts highlight the significance of self-love and therapeutic practices in healing from past relationship traumas. They share personal anecdotes and underscore the transformative power of prioritizing one's mental and emotional health.

Key Points:

• Self-Love: Cultivating a strong sense of self-worth prevents settling for unhealthy relationships.
• Therapeutic Support: Seeking professional help can provide tools and coping mechanisms to navigate complex emotions.
• Personal Growth: Viewing each relationship as an opportunity to learn more about oneself and what one truly desires.

Notable Quote:

"I think I did that through therapy and just, you know, loving myself first."
— WheezyWTF [06:48]

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Reframing Casual Encounters [13:30]

Mama Jewel elaborates on transforming the perception of casual sex from a transactional experience to one of personal pleasure and empowerment. She emphasizes the importance of reclaiming autonomy over one's sexual experiences to enhance satisfaction and reduce feelings of being used.

Key Points:

• Reclaiming Control: Taking charge of one's sexual narrative fosters a positive experience.
• Fun and Fulfillment: Approaching casual sex with the intent to enjoy and have fun can mitigate negative emotions.
• Emotional Safety: Ensuring that sexual encounters are conducted in a manner that feels safe and respectful.

Notable Quote:

"She said that alleviating the pressure and kind of taking the sex back for herself made her feel better about it."
— Jewel [13:30]

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Conclusion and Takeaways

The episode wraps up with actionable advice for listeners:

1. Be Intentional: Approach dating with clear intentions and an understanding of what one seeks in a relationship.
2. Seek Growth: Use each dating experience as a learning opportunity to better understand personal needs and boundaries.
3. Embrace Self-Love: Prioritize self-care and emotional well-being to foster healthier relationships.
4. Communicate Clearly: Whether in casual or committed relationships, open and honest communication is key to mutual fulfillment.

Final Notable Quote:

"The only way you could feel used is if you make yourself feel used. Oh, it doesn't just happen."
— WheezyWTF [15:05]

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Additional Resources

• Book Pre-Order: No Holds Barred, a Dual Manifesto of Sexual Exploration and Power – Available for pre-order, comes with a dating course and masterclass.
• Tour Information: Upcoming tour details available at nhbtour.com.
• Connect and Engage: Submit questions via decisionspodmail.com and join the conversation on Patreon patreon.com.

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Final Thoughts

Decisions, Decisions effectively navigates the intricate emotions and societal pressures surrounding modern relationships. By fostering an environment of honesty and empowerment, Mandii B, WeezyWTF, and Mama Jewel provide invaluable guidance for listeners striving to cultivate healthy, fulfilling romantic lives.

Transcript

[Mandy]

You're listening to an iHeart podcast. All right, guys, taking a break to put you on to a new series on Netflix. Inspired by Judy Blume's groundbreaking 1975 novel Forever. Watch the reimagined coming of age series about young love by Mara Brock Akil, the iconic creator of Girlfriends. This epic love story follows two black teens, Keisha and Justin, as they explore romance and their identities through the awkward journey of being each other's first loves, first arguments, first heartbreak, everything. Make sure you watch Forever. Now playing on Netflix.

[Wheezy]

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[Mandy]

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[Mandy]

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[Wheezy]

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[Jewel]

To have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend or a terrible thruffle, guess what? You've got decisions.

[Wheezy]

Hey guys, welcome to you got decision. Decision.

[Jewel]

It's hump day.

[Wheezy]

That's right before we get to this week's episode. If you haven't yet, make sure you go purchase, pre order and support us with our new book no Holds Barred, a dual manifesto of sexual exploration and power available for you now. And if you want to see us, bring the book from the pages to the stages. Make sure you go to nhbtour.com Our tour starts in July and we are coming to a city near you.

[Jewel]

Where are you coming?

[Wheezy]

Yeah, which city you coming to? You coming to? Orlando?

[Ryan]

Chicago.

[Jewel]

Chicago featuring Mom Mama Jewel is in the building.

[Wheezy]

Hi.

[Ryan]

I'm so proud of my girls. We're going to do this.

[Wheezy]

All right, let's get into the question and I think you could help us with this. I really, really like this question. So it says, hey, I'm a 21 year old in university. I couldn't help but realize the growth in Mandy in the relationship aspect. I was currently listening to the single by choice episode where Mandy talks about her negative views on relationships and I can't help but feel the same. I know I'm young, I know there are good men out there, but I have such a negative view on relationships after my previous one. To me, relationships feel like such a sacrifice. Why would I pour my heart out to someone and be vulnerable for just for it to potentially come to an end? For context, I was in a long term relationship with a cheater who got me pregnant and I got an abortion. And I've had many other mentally tolling relationships before that.

[Mandy]

Girl you only 21?

[Wheezy]

Jesus. I also recently started to develop a crush on this one guy I have been dating just to find out that he has a damn child and the baby mama is dead. It's hard being in negative toxic relationships and having quote unquote faith after all that. It's a negative mindset. I know. But listening to the newer episodes and seeing how both of y' all are thriving in relationships. How did you guys personally overcome the negative thoughts you may have had about relationships previously? I know my email is getting long, but my issue with dating as well as is the casual sex. I am open to having sex, but I also hate the thought that the man is viewing me solely for sex. But I also hate the thought of committing. I want to be able to enjoy casual sex with nothing tied to it. But then I feel guilt. I don't want to be another quote unquote number to their count. I appreciate you both. I love your podcast help. So the question is, I guess we'll start with the first one is how have we gotten over our negative views on men dating relationships in order to thrive and get into new ones?

[Jewel]

I think the first thing I was thinking about when you were reading it and she was like what's the point? Or if it could potentially go bad, why start a new business? Why do anything and take leaps on anything? Like at the end of the day.

[Wheezy]

We all the day gonna end, right?

[Jewel]

We want companionship, we want a date, we want sex. Yes, it could go bad, but it could go right now I'll be totally transparent. I would say 65% of my dating experiences didn't go in the way that I wanted. The other 35 would maybe be boyfriends or successful casual relationships. 65 is pretty high. However, they weren't bad, they just didn't go the way I wanted. And you really can't control other people. Like you can't continually control dating scenarios. You're always going to meet a guy in your life at 21. Someone's going to come where you like him more than he likes you. Someone's going to come where he doesn't want where you want it just or or she it Just happens. But I don't see any answer being I won't do it because.

[Ryan]

But I Didn't she say she was 21.

[Wheezy]

She was 21.

[Ryan]

She's 20. She hasn't spared enough.

[Wheezy]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

To come out all these. Yeah. That 21. Unless she was dating at 13, she doesn't have enough to say. I understand this part. This is how this works. But she's steady dating. If you just. Why not be a sep you both.

[Jewel]

Getting the same thing type of menu.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Wheezy]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

She has nothing to compare.

[Jewel]

Have you dated the artsy guy?

[Wheezy]

Well, you're gonna hear that she said that she's been in really toxic relationships. Girl, that's what she wants. I would assume that majority of them though were while you were under 21. So maybe drinking and partying wasn't involved. Maybe your partners didn't even have their own places because you both still lived with parents. You haven't even gotten to maybe explore the world with a partner at 21 because of financial things. I can't imagine many people her age having everything together.

[Jewel]

Keep in mind you, you're scared of casual relationships but at 21 aren't because they know they're experiencing life. I don't think at 21, I mean, I wanted to fall in love, but I never stop somebody because I was. I wanted to, I wanted to try shit.

[Wheezy]

Right? Yeah, I think so here's the thing. Even I want to remove the age when you've been in so many toxic relationships. I mean y' all saw it took me a while to get over my last one. Um, and I think I did that through therapy and just, you know, loving myself first.

[Ryan]

Right.

[Wheezy]

Um, so I think for me, if you're dating at 21, what are you looking for? Like are you just waiting for a guy to woo you and make you his girlfriend or are you being intentional while you're dating?

[Ryan]

Just when she sees the way things are going, she's heading in the same direction. Try the opposite of something to open. Expand your mindset. So be doing this, dating the same type of guys and being only 21. Change your mindset. Say this is not working for me.

[Jewel]

That's true.

[Wheezy]

That is literally why I tatted this on my hand. This is Einstein's definition of insanity. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. And I relay it to my motherfucking niggas like, you not gonna sit here and which is probably why I'm with a, with a 26 year old Brit now.

[Jewel]

But it's like actually that's a really good testimony.

[Wheezy]

It's night and day. My ex was so dissenting my senior. He was American, from Harlem.

[Ryan]

You gotta remember something. People of fear of change.

[Wheezy]

Yeah.

[Ryan]

So that's how they get stuck in the same situation.

[Jewel]

Same thing.

[Ryan]

Cause they too scared to go out of the box. Right. If it's not working for you. If you see that somebody's running over your foot constantly, you're going to move your foot eventually.

[Jewel]

I mean, but not color the fucking white guy.

[Wheezy]

I mean not only that. I was going to say too like unfortunately, when you constantly find yourself to be in toxic relationships, the toxicity is what you believe the love is. Well it also that's what your view of a relationship looks like.

[Ryan]

Because you don't need to go away. Go opposite when the person is too tight, go to the ones that are too nice. Go opposite and you're going to meet somebody in the middle. There's always somebody in the middle. There's one that's too nice, there's one too aggressive.

[Wheezy]

I think the problem is and women don't admit it often, especially when they're young women too like the cat mouse game probably more than that's all they know.

[Ryan]

Absolutely.

[Wheezy]

Women love to feel chase or to pursue. Like women don't admit that but they fucking like you're making.

[Ryan]

But they evidently being 21, she's liking being treated like this. And like that's what she thinks. That's caring. She doesn't know anything else.

[Wheezy]

Yeah.

[Mandy]

All right, guys. Taking a break to put you on to a new series on Netflix inspired by Judy Blume's groundbreaking 1975 novel Forever. Watch the reimagined coming of age series about young love by Mara Brock Akil, the iconic creator of Girlfriends. This epic love story follows two black teens, Keisha and Justin, as they explore romance and their identities through the awkward journey of being each other's first. First loves, first arguments, first heartbreak, everything. Make sure you watch forever now playing on Netflix.

[Ryan Seacrest]

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[Jewel]

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[Wheezy]

Prohibited by law 21 + terms and conditions apply.

[Jewel]

By the way, this isn't Shade to your age. This should be you understanding. When I was. When I was. Yeah, when I was 21, I feel like I was so happy I finally got to be 21, and all people wanted to do was tell me, you're only 21. So it's just like, which one is it? But what you got to realize is, like, even you know, you haven't experienced enough yet. I did a dating in our dating course, by the way, when you pre order the book, you're going to be receiving a course. Our masterclass. I did a dating course with a matchmaker and dating pro. One of the things she said that reminded me of what you just said, Mandy, was when things feel exciting for women, they can't differentiate delusion, excitement, and anxiety.

[Wheezy]

Especially when the hormones are involved in your pussy thumping. Because he got some good dick.

[Jewel]

Let's just say he. He didn't maybe call you, but then he calls you the next day. You're so excited. You're ramped up about the call. There's an inconsistency in the feeling. And so absolutely it. Basically, because she's settling now, the up and down. You don't really know that you're going through it because you think it feels exciting. But all of that is really bad. And I'm telling you, I would date a guy 25. Try dating a guy right around 25. Maybe, like, he's just finished college. Maybe he's entering the workforce. And, like, try to see a little bit of a difference in maybe how the approach works. I also think something.

[Wheezy]

I ain't going. I would tell her to go up to 30.

[Jewel]

I mean, me too.

[Ryan]

Yeah, I was thinking that, too.

[Wheezy]

I was thinking she was already young. Yeah. 25.

[Jewel]

25 to 30. If. If they will even date.

[Wheezy]

Oh, they will.

[Ryan]

Okay.

[Jewel]

But hold on. Wa.

[Ryan]

She enjoys sex because she's like, oh, I'm just.

[Jewel]

Also, you need to be having sex for fun, too, girl.

[Ryan]

That's right.

[Jewel]

To say that you feel like, oh, he's just using you for sex.

[Wheezy]

She doesn't want to be another quote unquote number.

[Jewel]

Why can't you have another number?

[Wheezy]

I mean, you could look at it that way. I think so. I think, though, it's this. This one's a little difficult for me now. Only because if she has experienced some level of intimacy, which I didn't experience early on in my sex life, being just a fuck buddy for someone and not having intimacy. I said my casual sex buddies didn't do it for me, and I felt empty after sex. And that was one of the worst feelings.

[Ryan]

But that's because you were doing it when you do it often. Cause you both enjoy it.

[Wheezy]

Well, I was doing it then.

[Ryan]

That's when. Because you were looking for emotion after. It was just.

[Wheezy]

But that's what I'm saying. If she's been in relationships and the sex was more than just a fuck because there was actual intimacy involved or feelings involved, you also get used to it. And so that's why I think it's possible she's used to that sex now. So a casual fuck buddy won't be fulfilling.

[Jewel]

But you need to also learn how to have casual sex in a way that makes you feel safe. So, for example, I can't say someone who does a service with me. I see her monthly. We just had this conversation. And she said, I just had sex for the first time in a few months, and I had to really take it into my own reins, girl. She had just stopped dating someone. She was like, so in my head, I'm just like, I'm too old for this shit. I can't just fuck somebody. She was like, I literally made it fun. Got some new hair, got a kingpick. I started swiping. I'm like, I'm gonna get some dick by Saturday. And she was like. And then it became this game. I was having fun. I'm on a date. Seeing how the vibe is going. She's like, I went out almost in my head, like I was looking for sex. She said when, before she would go out looking for someone to date.

[Ryan]

Oh.

[Jewel]

She said that alleviating the pressure and kind of taking the sex back for herself made her feel better about it. And that's what I mean by needing to learn how to do casual sex. Right. I, as you, if you listen to this podcast, for years, haven't been the greatest at it. When I'm good at it, I'm good. I fall in love too quick.

[Ryan]

Yes, she did.

[Jewel]

Because I'm meeting my casual sex partners and it's turning into a casual sex as a result of us not being a good match. That is why I get this.

[Ryan]

Let me tell you what girls do when they meet somebody that you're. When you meet a man and you're attracted to him and the physical is good, you see your whole future. You see your wedding, you see your kids, because that person made you feel so comfortable. You have picked out the perfect man. Now that picket fence going up and everything else falls out the window. You don't see red flags.

[Jewel]

And we. And again, when it. When it decides not to be a match, but they're still good enough to fucking. You still have this thing in your head like, but what if that's the problem? We should be looking at casual sex partners as for our own pleasure. Stop saying things like, well, if you have sex with them, it's just for them. Or you're just another number for them. You also could be using these men for experiences and pleasure and fun.

[Ryan]

Learn.

[Wheezy]

I agree. I do want to add to that, though. Yeah. It's important to. If you're going to engage in casual sex, that you want to fuck, too, and you're not doing it just because he's pressuring you to.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Jewel]

No.

[Wheezy]

Casual sex is about you knowing what you want, demanding it and expressing it, and he communicating it and. And making sure that it's fulfilling for both parties. Like, yeah.

[Ryan]

Well, the only way you could feel used is if you make yourself feel used. Oh, it doesn't just happen. Like, man's feel like she's saying more or less like she's feeling like. That's because she let herself feel like that she's got to stop. Not stop thinking about Gaslighter.

[Jewel]

And mother is saying, with the men, you made yourself feel like a ho. I semi agree with that because I've had casual sex where men made me feel great, had a great morning, the next day, whatever. And I was just like, well, I was just in my own head. No, no.

[Wheezy]

I used to love when I had, like, casual sex with someone. Like one of my casual sex partners. That would make me start singing, skipping, calling my friends like, oh, my God.

[Jewel]

Let me tell you.

[Wheezy]

But normally times casual sex only does that when it's good. When it's bad, too. Let's be casual sex. Be like, oh, this is a waste of time.

[Jewel]

Bad. Casual sex will make you.

[Wheezy]

It'll make you mad. It'll make you be like, you ain't deserve that.

[Ryan]

I had to lift my leg extra for that.

[Jewel]

No, because Mandy not riding.

[Wheezy]

Mandy doesn't. I'm not doing any of that.

[Jewel]

Do you get on top? No.

[Wheezy]

Boom.

[Ryan]

Absolutely.

[Jewel]

Whose daughter is it anyway, y' all? If you want more conversations like this, head on over to our patreon.com backslash.

[Wheezy]

Definitely are still giving you the sex over there.

[Jewel]

Yes. And you can also get a fast track to get your question to us sooner.

[Wheezy]

So make sure if you have a question that you email us decisionspodmail.com and again, we're really looking forward to seeing you guys on tour. So get your tickets [e-mail]. and we will see y' all next Wednesday. Wednesday, Hunt, Windy window.

[Mandy]

All right, guys, taking a break to put you on to a new series on Netflix inspired by Judy Blume's groundbreaking 1975 novel, Forever. Watch the reimagined coming of age series about young love by Mara Brock Akil, the iconic creator of Girlfriends. This epic love story follows two black teens, Keisha and Justin, as they explore romance and their identities through the awkward journey of being each other's first first loves, first arguments, first heartbreak, everything. Make sure you watch Forever now playing on Netflix. You're listening to an iHeart podcast.