You've Got Decisions: How Do I Prove I Didn't Outgrow Him?

Summary

Podcast Title: Decisions, Decisions
Hosts: Mandii B and WeezyWTF
Episode: You've Got Decisions: How Do I Prove I Didn't Outgrow Him?
Release Date: April 9, 2025

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Introduction to the Episode

In this engaging episode of "Decisions, Decisions," hosts Mandii B and WeezyWTF delve into the complex dynamics of long-term relationships, particularly focusing on the challenges that arise when one partner experiences significant personal growth. The episode centers around a listener's poignant question about maintaining stability and reassurance in a marriage undergoing drastic changes.

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Listener’s Dilemma: Proving Personal Growth Doesn’t Mean Outgrowing a Partner

Listener Profile:

• Name: Nikki
• Duration of Relationship: 10 years (since college)
• Personal Changes: Lost nearly £200 in weight
• Financial Shift: Earns £150,000 more than her husband
• Concern: Her husband is becoming paranoid and insecure, fearing that Nikki might leave him for someone better.

Nikki’s Question:

"How do I show my man that I actually haven't outgrown him? I love this show. Longtime patron and listener, my husband has started getting in his head about me leaving him. We've been together 10 years since college and of course things have changed. I've lost close to £200 and I make about £150,000 more than he does. He's my best friend, but these two things have him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two kids together, and I think he's amazing. But this paranoia that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't outgrown him?"
— Timestamp: 01:48

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Analyzing the Root Causes of Insecurity

The hosts explore the underlying factors contributing to Nikki’s husband’s paranoia:

1. Personal Insecurities:

   • WeezyWTF: Highlights that the husband's feelings likely stem from his own insecurities rather than Nikki’s changes.
   • Quote:

     "You cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel more secure about themselves without them doing the work."
     — Timestamp: 12:03

2. Societal and Patriarchal Norms:

   • The discussion touches on how traditional roles and societal expectations can intensify insecurities when one partner experiences significant personal or financial growth.
   • Mandy B: Points out that societal views may pressure men to feel emasculated when their female partners achieve financial success or undergo physical transformations.

3. Fear of Losing Control:

   • Eden: Suggests that as Nikki becomes more successful and healthier, her husband might feel he’s losing his traditional role as the provider, leading to heightened anxiety about their relationship's future.

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Strategies to Reassure and Strengthen the Relationship

The hosts offer practical advice and strategies to help Nikki navigate this challenging phase:

1. Encourage Professional Help:

   • Mandy B: Strongly recommends that Nikki’s husband seek therapy to address his insecurities and underlying issues.
   • Quote:

     "You could literally take him on dates, gift him every week, tell him every morning that you love him... The projection and the paranoia is coming from his own insecurities that he has to work through."
     — Timestamp: 12:03

2. Foster Mutual Goals and Activities:

   • WeezyWTF: Suggests involving the husband in her journey by setting shared goals, such as fitness routines or planning vacations together.
   • Quote:

     "Instead of figuring out how do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do the same. Like, no matter how you lost weight, we all know the gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together."
     — Timestamp: 12:21

3. Maintain Open and Affirming Communication:

   • Mandii B: Emphasizes the importance of regular affirmations and reminders of love and commitment to counteract the husband's fears.
   • Quote:

     "Tell him every morning that you love him, tell him you don't want to be with anyone else."
     — Timestamp: 12:03

4. Addressing Physical and Financial Changes Together:

   • Eden: Highlights that changes in physical appearance and financial status should be navigated together to prevent feelings of exclusion or inadequacy.
   • Quote:

     "A lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together. They're encouraging each other, They're doing things together."
     — Timestamp: 12:31

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Understanding the Impact of Personal Growth on Relationship Dynamics

The episode delves deeper into how significant personal growth can alter relationship dynamics:

1. Physical Transformation:

   • WeezyWTF: Discusses scenarios where physical changes, such as weight loss or altering one’s appearance, can inadvertently trigger partner insecurities.
   • Quote:

     "If your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's a style you love, it looks cute on you. But if he's like, I hate when women wear pants, he gotta get over it."
     — Timestamp: 10:09

2. Financial Disparities:

   • Mandy B and Eden: Explore how earning significantly more can challenge traditional roles, leading to potential feelings of emasculation.
   • Quote:

     "When we talk about relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is often rooted in who the breadwinner is, who the head of household is."
     — Timestamp: 16:00

3. Style and Lifestyle Choices:

   • WeezyWTF: Illustrates how changes in lifestyle, such as adopting a vegan diet or altering personal style, can affect the relationship balance.
   • Quote:

     "Imagine if he was with someone super fit and you made a health change like that, I really think they would be having comfortable."
     — Timestamp: 15:28

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Concluding Insights and Final Advice

As the episode wraps up, Mandii B and WeezyWTF consolidate their insights:

• Self-Improvement Should Be Mutual: Personal growth should be a shared journey in a relationship to ensure both partners feel included and supported.

• Insecurity Must Be Addressed Individually: The onus of overcoming insecurities lies with the individual experiencing them, not the partner undergoing changes.

• Empowerment Through Togetherness: Encouraging joint activities and shared goals can mitigate feelings of exclusion and bolster the relationship's foundation.

Final Advice from Mandii B:

"We are really, really proud of you for getting a position professionally that allows you to make that much money, as well as taking your health into consideration and losing 200 pounds because, bitch, that is incredible and amazing. We hope that your marriage can get over this hump honestly."
— Timestamp: 19:37

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Key Takeaways

• Communication and Affirmation: Regular affirmations and open dialogue are crucial in reassuring partners during times of significant personal change.

• Shared Growth: Engaging in mutual goals and activities helps maintain a sense of unity and prevents one partner from feeling left behind.

• Professional Support: Encouraging partners to seek therapy can be instrumental in addressing deep-seated insecurities that threaten relationship stability.

• Redefining Traditional Roles: As societal norms evolve, so should the dynamics within relationships, ensuring that both partners feel valued and empowered regardless of financial or physical changes.

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This episode of "Decisions, Decisions" offers a thoughtful exploration of the delicate balance between personal growth and relationship stability, providing listeners with both empathy and actionable advice to navigate similar challenges in their own lives.

Transcript

[Mandy B]

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[Charlamagne Tha God]

Peace to the planet. I go by the name of Charlamagne Tha God and guess what? I can't wait to see y'all at the third annual Black Effect Podcast Festival. That's right, we're coming Back to Atlanta, Georgia, Saturday, April 26th at Pullman Yards. And it's hosted by none other than Decisions Decisions, Mandy B And Weezy. Okay, we got the R and B Money podcast with Tank and J. Valentine. We got the Woman of all podcast with Sarah Jake Roberts. We got, we got Good Moms, Bad Choices. Carrie Champion will be there with her Neck in sports podcast and the Trap Nerds podcast with more to be announced. And of course, it's bigger than podcast. We're bringing the Black Effect marketplace with black owned businesses, plus the food truck court to keep you fed while you visit us. All right, listen, you don't want to miss this, tap in and grab your Tickets [e-mail] podcast festival.

[Weezy]

If you would like to have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or a terrible thruffle, guess what?

[Mandy B]

You've got decisions. It's hump day, baby. It's Wednesday and welcome to another episode of you got Decisions.

[Weezy]

Hope you're humping. Hope you're happy. We're back with another question of some shit we probably have not the right answer to, but here we go.

[Mandy B]

Well, shout out to one of our Patreon members. This comes from Nikki and baby, we bringing it right here. And this is a very interesting question as we've been talking so much about relationships and all those. Her main question, and I'll get into her short description here about it, but she said, how do I show my man that I actually haven't outgrown him? I love this show. Longtime patron and listener, my husband has started getting in his head about me leaving him. We've been together 10 years since college and of course things have changed. I've lost close to £200 and I make about 150,000 more than he does.

[Weezy]

Wow, girl.

[Mandy B]

He's my best friend, but these two things.

[Weezy]

That was for the weight loss. That was no shade, by the way.

[Mandy B]

He's my best friend, but these two things have him irrationally paranoid and it's getting frustrating. We have two kids together, and I think he's amazing. But this paranoia that I'm gonna leave him for someone better is driving me crazy. How do I show my man I haven't outgrown him? This is great because we talk about change in so many different ways. And so for this to be not only a physical change, clearly, which we all experience with age, but a financial change in the best possible way. This is interesting. Um, so I'm gonna throw it to y'all first, but how do you think she should show up or reassure her man that she's here and not looking for someone better?

[Weezy]

I kind of want the boys to answer this first and then maybe we. I don't really know what to say. On how a man. The fragility of their dad.

[Mandy B]

How would you feel if your woman changed her looks drastically and then also maybe got into a position career wise where she made $150,000 more and we gotta get.

[Weezy]

She making what's.

[Mandy B]

Fuck innocent.

[Weezy]

That's. How does she know he feels this way, by the way?

[Mandy B]

He said he's become paranoid and he's expressing.

[Weezy]

She said, you're getting fine and rich.

[Mandy B]

What the fuck? She said he's. His paranoia is showing and he thinks. Which I assume he said, I'm going to quote, unquote, leave him for someone better.

[Eden]

Now we're going to say drastic, like capital. All dra. Like.

[Mandy B]

This is all drastic. She lost £200. Kudos to you, Nikki.

[Eden]

That's fine.

[Mandy B]

But then also, oh, my God, I.

[Weezy]

Think I know who it is.

[Mandy B]

I know who it is.

[Weezy]

Oh, wow.

[Mandy B]

Shout out to Nikki and. Yeah, so those are two drastic changes that maybe you wouldn't expect to have within a relationship. And they've known each other for 10 years.

[Weezy]

Were we supposed to say her name?

[Mandy B]

I mean, Nikki. It could be. That's a nickname.

[Eden]

Yeah. There's Nikki with the K. We have.

[Mandy B]

A lot of Nicki's on Patreon, too.

[Weezy]

Well, I think for one. Eden, before you speak real quick, I want to know, is someone improving their physical appearance something that would make you feel threatened or make you think they'd want someone else?

[Eden]

No, not at all.

[Mandy B]

Okay, that's the thing.

[Eden]

It's like one. Let's go. Even with just the weight loss and stuff like that, that's just bettering yourself in general. Not saying that you can't be in a high.

[Mandy B]

Not saying that you can't be healthy and fat.

[Eden]

Yeah, exactly. Right. But I'm saying I understand that some people go through a weight loss journey for a certain reason. So that's one thing right now. What? Okay, so she got her money up, which means, you know, she got her everything else up. I truly do believe that there are some men who get into certain relationships with certain women who are not in the most wealthy position. Right. Or maybe even the best considered physical condition for them because they want to feel better than.

[Mandy B]

Right.

[Eden]

So because of that, I feel like there might be, and this is just a speculation, Nikki, he might feel some type of way that you are not who you once were before and now he might not have the same grasp as he could have before.

[Weezy]

I saw a woman, her name's the Six Footed. I don't know if you remember her from Orlando, but I just had a dinner with. Was at a dinner she was at and I really want to have her on. She has a lot of opinions that I don't agree with. Some I do, but I would say she kind of has a Mandy effect of sometimes. A lot of her opinions are just like, whoa. She says something on a podcast where she said men are dating fat women because they. I guess they. I'm not quoting her. Right. But like maybe she's saying they're more submissive, they'll do whatever they want, they have less options type of thing. So that's why men are dating service.

[Mandy B]

And I hated that some of them.

[Eden]

Have the most options. Yeah.

[Weezy]

I'mma be real with you, Ed. And that is literally validating them, what you said.

[Eden]

That's the thing. I don't think it's because I think change in general, it doesn't mean that she has to be bigger to smaller. It could be smaller or bigger, it doesn't matter. Right. It could be going from a hundred, it could be from let's say 80,000 to 150,000. Right. The point is that now you don't feel like you might have the same grasp at that person because their quality has improved to them.

[Weezy]

Yeah.

[Eden]

Because someone could start losing mad weight and not be happy about that.

[Mandy B]

So I was going to say not be attractive. It's funny because we put this onus on like the fat woman, quote unquote, being more subservient or doing whatever when kind of What I picked up from what you said, edn, is this man is insecure and may have felt more secure in their relationship because of what he thought society's views on you were as a woman. And now you've lost this weight. And what is really happening is not the paranoia that you'll leave, or it is the paranoia that you'll leave is coming from his own insecurity because he feels like, damn, now that you look this way or make a certain amount of money, you have more options. So what I don't hear people say is that, oh, well, men may date less attractive or bigger women because of their own goddamn insecurities. Not what these quote unquote fat or ugly women will do because they're insecure or down and need to settle is the fact that men show up and get something that makes them feel comfortable as well.

[Eden]

It don't gotta be the way, by the way. So let me just say one thing real quick to clarify because I totally understand where you're coming from. For Amy even mentioning that other show, it could be that same equation that I'm mentioning now, but different numbers and variables that we plug it in. It doesn't have to be weighted. The fact is that I feel like sometimes certain men are with certain women or stay with certain women because of the comfortability and they're like, you know what? Things are not gonna change. I like my girl who, who she is now, and you're gonna change on me.

[Mandy B]

You know what's gonna happen?

[Eden]

You're gonna make more money. You're gonna feel happier about yourself.

[Mandy B]

Now, Eden, you like this is kind of hypothetical and everyone, or even weezy, y'all like thick brolic for you. You like thick, voluptuous women. You like a big stocky man during your relationship. They choose because they want to feel better for their own reasons. They lose weight. She now becomes a thin, very in shape track runner. And your man becomes a little scrawny ass. You know, just thin, lean man, because that's what they want. Is that not like, could you as a partner then say you changed what I like? I don't know if I want to stay here anymore. I know she's leaning into the paranoia, but I'm wondering too is you're smaller. That's not what I like.

[Weezy]

It's interesting. You're making more money. You're saying that because I do think you need to kind of. I want to. I wear a hairstyle that my man hates. Let's say he hates the chunky braids. He Likes skinny, like, standard. Just regular knotless box braids. He doesn't like big, big, chunky braids. And I remember I was talking about I might do it for some episode of Sex Sell. He was like, I hope it's just for the episode. You know, I don't like that. And I was like, okay, now you gonna tell me what to do, nigga? He's like, I mean, but wouldn't you wanna wear styles? I like wouldn't. I wouldn't wear. I wouldn't cut my hair. I wouldn't dye my hair. I know you fucking think that shit is crazy. Like, shouldn't we be complimenting each other? Yes, and I gotta be honest.

[Mandy B]

Yes.

[Weezy]

And I think there is a yes. And. Because when it comes to health, in Nikki's case, it's a little different. But when it comes to appearance, for example, if your man hated you wearing cargoes, that's a style you love, it looks cute on you. But if he's like, I hate when women wear pants.

[Mandy B]

Oh, he gotta get over it.

[Eden]

Or that's such a common thing, by the way.

[Mandy B]

And if he goes and.

[Weezy]

Yeah, that's too common.

[Mandy B]

We talk about it. It's so funny. I went out to have drinks with my friend the other day and I had a sundress on with flowers. He said, I didn't even know you owned that. I said, sorry that I dress like a stud with you, babe. Like, I'll bring the fuck. Maybe I'll bring the sundress. But I wear what I want to wear when I want to wear it.

[Weezy]

Yeah, I guess if you meet me with a certain style, that's a tough one. But I think style is different.

[Mandy B]

Physical appearance and money.

[Weezy]

I do think physical appearance, if it's not for health, like, if I got a bbl, my nigga would probably leave me.

[Eden]

I'm not going to lie. It's okay. Now, now, I like that you said that, right? I will subscribe to the fact that if I'm with my shorty, I'm happy with however she is. I will be toxic in the sense maybe, that if my girl wants to go get a BBL or something, I'm like, I don't know why we got to put you under the knife to make you more beautiful. I wouldn't. I can't subscribe to that.

[Mandy B]

I love that. I want to go back, though, to the question then, especially as a guy, I will give my advice. How do I assure my man that I have not outgrown him? I will tell you now and I've said it based off my own experience with an insecure ass nigga. You cannot help an insecure man or an insecure woman feel more secure about themselves without them doing the work. I would say he needs to go to therapy and work on the things that's triggering him to make you feel like you'll leave. You could literally take him on dates, gift him every week, tell him every morning that you love him, tell him you don't want to be with anyone else. And the devil on this shoulder will constantly tell him she's gonna find someone better. There's someone better than me right now. I feel like the projection and the paranoia is coming from his own insecurities that he has to work through.

[Eden]

I very much agree on that.

[Weezy]

Yeah. And I also don't think there's anything you could do. I don't think your man is with you because you looked a certain way. Like, she's married, right?

[Mandy B]

Yes.

[Weezy]

Yeah, I remember they were writing into us before.

[Eden]

I'm sure it's more than that, but.

[Weezy]

I honestly think sometimes we just get insecure with self improvement for someone. We aren't doing it for ourselves.

[Mandy B]

Ooh.

[Weezy]

Um. And so if you're making more money and changing your fitness, it could be just like, damn, like, I haven't been doing this. This isn't something we were doing together.

[Mandy B]

A lot of it's a mirror for people.

[Weezy]

A lot of couples, you know, they share fitness goals together. They're encouraging their Each other, They're doing things together. So you may just be making him feel left out. Not to say you're doing it on purpose, but what's happening to you is probably making him feel left out. So I would just do the opposite. Instead of figuring out how do I fix it? Is to encourage him to do the same. Like, no matter how you lost weight, we all know the gym can be helpful. Wanting to go together. Start saying we. I want us to be fly. I want us to have a goal to work towards. Let's go on this cruise. Let's go on this vacation together and make sure we get here. Setting goals together. I think he would feel less left out of it.

[Mandy B]

Yeah.

[Weezy]

Cause money ain't nothing.

[Eden]

What if he's already fit?

[Mandy B]

Oh, that's a good one.

[Eden]

That's kind of my thing. Right? It's like, that's why I even want.

[Mandy B]

I guess, the attraction that he had to.

[Eden]

That's why I reiterate about the fact that.

[Weezy]

No, no, no. I don't think this is attraction.

[Eden]

It could be different Equations and different variables. Right. It's of the fact that it's like he does feel like he's being left out, but to your point, it's some stuff that he might want to work on.

[Weezy]

Gonna be honest with you, I would almost bet my life he isn't fit. And I'll tell you why. If you were with someone who is super, super fit and you made a health change like that, I really think they would be having comfortable.

[Mandy B]

I was dating Mandy.

[Weezy]

Give me a second. Let me, let me, let me, Let me finish my thought. If you were dating someone who's super fit, I don't see a world where they would feel uncomfortable with your weight loss more than they would champion it and feel like you did something that's more in alignment with them. This is not meaning that someone super fit can't be with someone that's overweight. I'm just saying if someone's living that life, they are going to love that people. And mind you, I own a gym now. I know how these people are fucking talking every day. They are seeing this shit so different. Literally, to the point where one of the new girls that works with us, she's such a cutie, talking about what type of man she wants first thing on her healthy lifestyle. Like, I want to make sure that we're doing this kind of routine to get like, that's how they talk. So if she was with someone super fit, there wouldn't be a world where he's like, you want someone else now?

[Mandy B]

No, because you. But it could be. It's interesting because it reminds me of like the very small thing, right? In terms of insecurity of a man. You could put a dress on to go hang out with your friends. And he looks at that dress and knows that other men are going to look at it. He's going to want you to take that dress off. That's his own insecurity. Projecting at the fact that now other men are going to be looking at you. That's what I'm saying. In terms of this man's. Your husband's projection of, damn, you done lost this weight. Maybe you're going to get the attention of more men. And maybe because I'm insecure of how I'm showing up.

[Weezy]

Yes, I think that's true. I think it's just that I'm really speaking to that fit thing. I think there's no way. I really don't. People that are living a certain way. When you get to have your partner be in alignment, just imagine Wolf. Wolf's been vegan for a while, right? Imagine he got a girl who's a meat eater and suddenly she wants to become vegan. He not gonna be like, oh, what nigga made you change your mind? Hell, no. He gonna be like, no, now we on the fucking path. To me.

[Eden]

See, but that's an interesting aspect too, right? Maybe we can even move those variables around. What if it's about eating lifestyles and stuff like that?

[Mandy B]

But eating lifestyle doesn't bring about the paranoia or insecurities that you're gonna find someone better.

[Eden]

But it's healthier, right? Let's say if me and my girl, both meat eaters, now she's doing veganism and she's leading a healthier life.

[Mandy B]

A woman living a healthier life and being vegan isn't gonna bring about your insecurities of another man being better than me or you being able to pull different men or me feeling inadequate in where I stand in this relationship.

[Weezy]

Now it's physical change.

[Mandy B]

Yeah, there's physical change. And the fact that. Let's be very clear. When we talk about men, we had an episode about the paycheck. When we talk about how men show up, it's as the provider. How can I really be the provider now when you make $150,000 more than.

[Weezy]

To be honest with you, though, I think being that they've been married for a while. Cause if I remember who this is, we. She's been our patron for a minute. If it really is money, as long as they've been married, I don't know. I feel like if you're a generous person in the household, like, for example, let's just say I make. Okay, she makes 150 more. Let's say he makes 100 and she makes 250. We're married, I don't know, 10 years maybe. We're getting a different.

[Eden]

Like, yeah, it's like I'm about to.

[Weezy]

Fucking keep this extra 150,000 in the tuck for myself. We've been married a minute. Fuck, no. N. We getting a new crib.

[Mandy B]

And if he was raised like Wolf, I could understand how now there's insecurities that everything I thought I should be as a man now doesn't align with this relationship.

[Weezy]

Wolf's wife. You think Wolf's gonna feel like that as well?

[Mandy B]

But I'm saying, as a provider and protector, Wolf, your woman comes and makes 150k. And mind you, we just had this conversation as well with a matchmaker who said, I believe you should date someone who doesn't have more than a $30,000 difference because there's gonna be that insecurity of who gets to tell who what and all those things. Because it's. Unfortunately, relationships and how you show up in a dynamic is often rooted in who the breadwinner is, who the head of household is.

[E]

Yeah, yeah. I take it a step further. I don't mind if my woman makes a whole lot more money than me. Like the type of guy I am a very dominant. So it's more about, like, mentality and the frequency between us. Like, you can make way more money. As long as I don't feel different from the position I feel most comfortable being in. You know, I don't feel emasculated because you're making a lot of money. And furthermore, I want to provide a point that I think it's very possible that somebody could go through their life being, let's say, overweight, right? And then they slim down, and then now they getting attention that they never got before ever in their life. They got people giving them certain looks, they got people charming them in a certain way. And I think it's possible they could fall victim to the abuse of the power.

[Weezy]

That's crazy. I agree.

[E]

I think that's very possible.

[Mandy B]

I absolutely agree with both the money and the thing.

[Weezy]

You know, I like something you just brought up. You wouldn't feel emasculated through money. I think we as women constantly use money as the way that men will feel emasculated by us. When in reality, I don't know, I have someone in my life that makes a lot more than her partner, but he still makes family decisions for them. And I think that's super fair. And just. I've seen him make. He's very masculine. Like, I've seen him kind of. Whether it's her car or not. We've been out in. In la, like, he's opening the door, he's out pumping the gas, he's picking up our check. He's doing manly things. It might be her fucking crazy expensive car or whatever the case. But, like, it's not just finances that can make man feel down. And I guess we forget that a lot. There's so much gender work conversation. Honestly, hope we don't have it for a while. Cause I'm a little bit on overload of it. But, like. Yeah, I agree.

[Mandy B]

Well, Nikki, we don't know what you can do outside.

[Eden]

Congrats to you, Nikki.

[Mandy B]

I would say, hopefully get your husband in therapy as a way for him to deal with whatever his mind is causing in terms of the paranoia. We are really, really proud of you for getting a position professionally that allows you to make that much money, as well as taking your health into consideration and losing 200 pounds because, bitch, that is incredible and amazing.

[Weezy]

So amazing.

[Mandy B]

We hope that your marriage can get over this hump honestly. And if you guys have any suggestions, make sure you write them in the comment, make sure you follow us, subscribe us, and also make sure you Pre order no Holds Bart, A dual manifesto of Sexual exploration and power, available now for YouTube pre order and it'll be sent out to you when it drops June 24th. Anyways, thank you guys for tuning in to another episode of youf've Got Decisions. You Got Decisions, Girl. Bye.