← Decisions, Decisions
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- [00:00]
Weezy
You're listening to an iHeart podcast. All right, guys, taking a break to put you on to a new series on Netflix. Inspired by Judy Blume's groundbreaking 1975 novel Forever Watch the reimagined coming of age series about young love by Mara Brock Akil, the iconic creator of Girlfriends. This epic love story follows two black teens, Keisha and Justin, as they explore romance and their identities through the awkward journey of being each other's first loves, first arguments, first heartbreak, everything. Make sure you watch Forever now playing on Netflix.
- [00:39]
Mandy
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- [01:40]
If you would like to have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or a terrible thruffle, guess what?
- [01:50]
Weezy
You've got decisions.
- [01:52]
Mandy
Welcome back, y' all. It's another hump day. We are here to answer your questions. Please send them into us because listen, y' all be in the dms like help girl, we ain't seeing them. You know, Mandy organized. Send it to the email. And also we have a Patreon tier that will get you a fast track to you got decisions. So if you in a crisis, bitch, go on Patreon and send them questions.
- [02:15]
Weezy
That's right. That will be the top tier. That's our producer tier if you want the fast track. Otherwise, make sure you send your email in to decisionspodmail.com so that we could read your question. All right, I'm gonna get right into this one this week because it's a long one, but we got details. I'm gonna give it some body. I'm gonna read it like I would our book. No holds barred.
- [02:41]
Mandy
Okay?
- [02:42]
Weezy
Make sure you order that now and get your tickets for the tour. NHB tour.com okay, let's get into this.
- [02:50]
Mandy
Girl.
- [02:50]
Weezy
If you ever wanted detail, if you ever wanted backstory, we getting it today. Hi. Decisions, decisions. So I'm in my first serious relationship, and I've been feeling stuck for a while now. Also, do not roll your eyes when I read her age. I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 26. We've been together for several years and we live together now. He's had other relationships before, but I lost my virginity to him. While I care about him a lot, I'm starting to feel like I'm the only one putting in the effort when it comes to intimacy, both emotional and physical. To give you some background, this isn't something new. It's been an ongoing issue for a while, and I'm feeling more frustrated. I've tried talking to him multiple times about how I'm not getting my needs met, but it feels like nothing changes. For example, I've expressed to him that I want him to put more effort into our intimacy. I've told him that I want him to reciprocate. Like when we're being intimate. I want him to give me oral, too, or at least engage in foreplay in a way that feels mutual. He'll sometimes reply, well, it wasn't a problem before, as if we didn't get together when we were teenagers, or as if I can't want different or have different needs for our relationship and myself. I He has given me oral a few times over the years, but it's not as often as I would like. And when I've brought this up, he says he's fine with it. I've asked him directly if he just doesn't like doing it or something, or if something's wrong with me that I should know. And he always assures me there's nothing wrong. But even when we talk about sex, he'll smile and we'll talk about the things we'll do to each other, but it just doesn't follow through like I'd hoped. I've expressed that I want to feel wanted and desired in this way, but it often feels like he just isn't putting in the same energy. There's also a pattern where I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells because of past mistakes, especially something that happened years ago when I kissed another guy in front of him. Oh, girl, what she said. I was young and it was a mistake, a bad decision. But it feels like he's still holding onto it. It's hard because sometimes I feel like he's using it as a reason to withhold affection or intimacy from me. Now, if you would like more details or background of this, I could share if you'd like. Girl, you wrote enough. All right. Keeping. Keep going. The most recent incident that happened was we were both in bed. I was rubbing on his back. He guides my hand to his dick. So of course I get excited and I start to rub on him. I'm telling him things in his ear. I'm starting to think of all the things he can do to me. He pulls my shirt down, grabs my boobs. I'm getting excited. I'm inching my way closer to his body, wanting him to touch me below. He doesn't, but I'm getting wet. Moments pass. He's finally but slowly moving his hand to the rim of my shorts. I'm thinking, yes, finally, touch me there. But he doesn't. He moves his hand away and over his head. I know he's enjoying it because he was grunting and his dick was hard as fuck. But now I'm back in my head again. And instead of thinking of all the things he can do to me, I'm thinking why he isn't doing the things I want him to. He eventually puts his dick in me, but it doesn't feel like he even wants to have sex with me for pleasure of both of us, but solely for the pleasure of him. I try to redirect my thoughts. He finishes, wipes me, then rubs on my legs. As he's rubbing my legs, I ask him if he could return the favor. And he replies, I'm going to sleep. So out of frustration, I. I used the vibrator to take care of myself right next to him in bed. Honestly, I'm wondering if that was too harsh, but I was just so annoyed and frustrated because I feel like he's not even trying. During this particular incident, I was sick. So when I took out the vibrator to use on myself, he said, you don't seem sick now. And I replied, I'm sick, but my vagina isn't. He was mad. He grabbed his pillow and a cover girl and slept on the couch.
- [07:04]
Mandy
Can I be honest?
- [07:05]
Weezy
Hold on. We ate three. I don't know. They. We'll see. This was not the first time something has happened like this. When he finishes and I don't, I sometimes ask to be taken care of. He'll say he's going to sleep, actually falls asleep, or just instantly get mad that I'M asking. Normally I'll just go to the bathroom and finish quietly. Hold in my saved hold it in, save my energy and go to sleep. Or speak up. But then we'll end up arguing. Unfortunately, there are times where I'm satisfied by just giving, but the times I feel like I need more and he doesn't reciprocate is my issue. Lately, I've been feeling emotionally drained. I even ended up crying while finishing myself off, which has never happened before.
- [07:50]
Mandy
Oof.
- [07:51]
Weezy
I don't know if it's just because of the high emotions or or because of how he's not meeting my needs. So here's where I'm struggling, and here are the questions we're going to help her answer. Wheezy Am I in the right for feeling upset and frustrated by how he's treating me, or is it just me being overly sensitive? Number two, what should I do moving forward? I don't want to break up, but I can't keep feeling like I'm the only one trying. How do I communicate this in a way that that will get through to him? Number four, Should I step back from being intimate with him until things improve? Or is that something I might regret? And the last question is, was I being too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did? I really don't want to walk away from this relationship, but I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle where nothing changes. I'd appreciate any advice on how to handle this situation and whether I'm justified in feeling this way after everything that's happened. I hope my story makes sense to you. Thank you so much for your time and help. Best of fan so I know we could just say, girl, break up with him. There's more dick in the sea. But she reiterated three times that she does not want to walk away from this relationship. So let's think of advice from that perspective.
- [09:09]
Mandy
Well, I want to tell you why you don't want to walk away from this relationship because we've all been there. You don't want to start over. You don't want to be without him. You're attached to him. He's comfort. But you need to hear this because it's true that that idea and that feeling you have of losing this person being so awful is the feeling that he doesn't have when it comes to pleasing you and honoring your relationship, treating you kindly, making you happy, not making you feel bad. There's a whole energy shift when someone is walking, going to sleep on the couch all over the fact that you just want to be pleased too. There's no mutual attraction in these scenarios. And I think avoiding the whole breakup conversation is sometimes difficult because we're just. I can't be the big CIS girl and be like, yeah, push through when hearing stuff like this hurts my feelings, frankly. There's a chapter in no Holds Barred where I talk about having sex with someone and crying right after and going to sleep right next to them. Not knowing, like, not feeling. Please, not having orgasms. Like, this story is one that is tale as old as time. And we are such loyalists as women that we don't want to leave a situation we've been in for a while because we feel like starting over is bad. But what else is worse and bad is being with someone that treats you that way. And it seems like you already have had enough conversation. So, yes, we'll go through these questions, but we're not going to pretend like this is a relationship anybody should be championing. So that's just where I want to get out.
- [10:51]
Weezy
Oh, yeah. I want to be clear. I'm not championing this relationship as much as I do feel like sometimes the easy way out is just telling you to leave and go hop on a dating app and find someone else. Let's be very clear. I've had sex far too many times with someone that lost my trust, that betrayed me, that my body was telling me was not the person for me to stay with. Um, unfortunately, I also feel like this is a relationship where you were adamant that you stepped out or betrayed his trust. So unfortunately, where he's not comfortable being as intimate as he wants to be with or as you want him to be with you. He may also just be that much in his head where he has not forgiven you for literally violating him in front of him. So I think that there is. You do have to hold yourself accountable. And you have by acknowledging that you did make a mistake and you did it in front of him. And it wouldn't be without me thinking that that could be a potential reason to. For him showing up this way.
- [11:57]
Mandy
Yeah, of course. It definitely is attributed to, like, yeah.
- [12:01]
Weezy
Like, so I feel like I want to say where we could definitely tell you to leave his ass and we both think that you probably should and that this is an unhealthy relationship. I can also be very frank with you and say, girl, you 22. I promise you this nigga will not exist in your life by 30. But that's coming from someone 34 who in her 20s may have thought she met the love of her life. This is clearly someone that isn't mature enough to hold space for you, your wants, your needs, or communicate those things. So let's get through these questions. Am I in the right or feeling upset and frustrated by how he's treating me? Um, I want to be very clear. The other part is, or am I just being overly sensitive? I think that we as women unfortunately attach the words sensitive or nagging or, or coddling or codependent like all of these words that we attach negative things to. Sensitive being one, overly sensitive being a dramatization. I think you are in the right for feeling how you want to feel and being upset and frustrated that your partner doesn't seem interested in pleasing you is a valid respons. All right, guys, taking a break to put you on to a new series on Netflix. Inspired by Judy Blume's groundbreaking 1975 novel Forever. Watch the reimagined coming of age series about young love by Mara Brock Akil, the iconic creator of Girlfriends. This epic love story follows two black teens, Keisha and Justin, as they explore romance and their identities through the awkward journey of being each other's first first loves, first arguments, first heartbreak, everything. Make sure you watch Forever now playing on Netflix.
- [13:49]
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- [14:49]
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- [15:20]
Weezy
Weezy I'm going to let you answer this next one. What should she do moving forward? She can't keep feeling like she's the only one trying. But how should she communicate this in a way that that you think will actually get through to him?
- [15:34]
Mandy
I think you need to stop communicating it during and after. I think when the sex stuff is happening, it gets awkward. No one knows what to do. You need to be saying this before you guys have sex. Sometimes in person conversation might be difficult. So if you got the balls to do it on the phone, give him a call right after you hear this episode and be like, you know, something's really been on my mind. You also need to approach the conversation with I understand we chose to stay together, but forgiving and forgetting is another thing. And is this happening like you need to people that have I will say in the past, I mean it's not happening in my current relationship, but in the past when someone's fucked up, I do appreciate when they say, yo, I know I did xyz, I know I hurt you. That acknowledgement goes a long way and I'm sure that you've already done that. But doing it in in the same conversation as the sex because at least you'll get your answer. Like if it ain't my smell, nigga, is it the other nigga?
- [16:34]
Weezy
What is it?
- [16:34]
Mandy
Because you need to know because your brain, your anxiety, all of that is going to go rampant.
- [16:40]
Weezy
I agree. Absolutely. And I also think that it's just important. And I say this I think as a as a tip, I've said it on the podcast that sometimes sex desires fantasies, things that you may want to try that are in the norm. Clearly oral sex isn't something that you say you get all the time, but you've only got a few times ask specifically for that. Don't just think for it and want it to happen. When you are about to have sex, tell him explicitly, baby, it's not I want my pussy ate tonight. I want you to taste me tonight. I want to please each other orally only. There's other ways to where you can let it be known of what you specifically want and everything else is a cherry on top. But don't let sex Be the whole pie. Like, let everything else be the cherry on top and the whole Sunday be what you want.
- [17:37]
Mandy
And honestly, I don't even want you to go into the point where you, like, let's try 69 tonight. So you have to trick the nigga. Like, it's okay to just receive, be a receiver and let someone enjoy you. And I think there's so much guilt and anger going around that, like, you just can't get there. And the conversations aren't happening outside of the bedroom, which is why you're having issues in the bedroom.
- [17:58]
Weezy
I agree. The next one, should I step back from being intimate with him until things improve, or is that something I might regret? I'm not going to lie. What you're saying is it sounds like something called an ultimatum. I absolutely do not think that you should hold back or punish him or keep sex out of the relationship till things improve. I don't see how it will improve if you're not doing it. And I don't think that it's a fair thing for you to do. I know you wouldn't like that done to you. And I think that it eliminates the communication. I don't think it. It's healthy to completely remove it off the table until you get what you want. That's kind of like throwing a tantrum. It's not mature. And I think that if you genuinely want to reach a level of intimacy, specifically physically and emotionally, you can't lead with an ultimatum. And that's what that sounds like to me. You can't completely step back from being intimate until he gives you what you want.
- [18:56]
Mandy
Because we still don't know at this point if the reason he's not giving you what you want is because he's doing it as a punishment. And so it's just right, Right? And no communicating. The more you play, the more you're not getting what you want. He's playing a game with you and not being honest because you flat out are like, well, what is it? He's like, everything's cool. So I genuinely think both of you are doing disservice by you not giving him no pussy in him playing this game. The only thing, and I'm sure you've heard this so many times, communicate, communicate, communicate. And really the help that you need is how to communicate. And I think effectively it has to be outside of the bedroom. And if you do get too shy in person, I know some people say it's better to do things in person, but I think phone calls can be good too. Sometimes we need to be in our isolated space. Like, I don't know. I really feel like you've just got to call and pull the band aid off. Both of you know what's happening.
- [19:52]
Weezy
Yeah. And then the last question is, was I being too harsh or overreacting by using my vibrator the way I did? I don't know if you guys are deep into the catalog of horrible decisions. I did this with a previous partner, and it was out of spite. It was in my immature way to show him that I didn't come, that I wasn't finished, and that he didn't please me. And to be honest, it resulted in nothing. Bitch, he came. So I don't think that it was too harsh or overreacting, but it's like, do you know, like, when. When girls go on to, like, their platforms and be like, oh, he fumbled me. He lost me, bitch. If he did. If he wanted to be there, he would. If he wanted to show up, he would. And so you thinking that you did that you're doing something to hurt his ego, he might just think you be immature. Immature about it. Um, I've done it before, so this isn't me, you know, sounding like, ooh, bitch, I would never. But even after the fact, it literally didn't change anything. And to be honest, I was only doing it to make him aware that he didn't make me come. And because he was right there, bitch, I still never came. So, um, I don't think you were too harsh or overreacting. I do think, however, your reaction was immature.
- [21:20]
Mandy
I agree.
- [21:22]
Weezy
That's what I would say about that. I do hope that you guys choose to communicate. I do hope that you choose to get over this hump. And it does sound like he possibly hasn't forgiven you because you only acknowledged your mistake in the relationship and not his. So I would just wonder if you guys may need therapy. You are both also young, but it's always worth trying. And to be fair, I would never tell for anyone to stay in a relationship where they're crying unfulfilled emotionally and physically intimacy is something that I just recently experienced, and I absolutely crave it and need it. And so if you're not getting that and this. All of the advice that we gave you doesn't work, I just wanna let you know, bitch, you young. And it's a whole lot of other people out there that you.
- [22:11]
Mandy
It's only gonna hurt for a little bit, babe. It's the same.
- [22:13]
Weezy
It is. I mean, no, no, no, no. I was hurt for about a year and a half. And this is the person you lost your virginity to and the only person you've been with.
- [22:21]
Mandy
Mandy, you're making it worse.
- [22:22]
Weezy
I'm just saying I want to be real, like bitch. Yeah, but you're not.
- [22:26]
Mandy
She'll bounce back.
- [22:27]
Weezy
I'm not. But I know that bitches at 22 really think it's the end of their life and oh my God, they losing out on their soulmate. And we be dumb, we be delusional in our 20s and so I understand that she probably is too. Bitch. I was delusional at 30.
- [22:41]
Mandy
I was dumb and delusional, bitch.
- [22:43]
Weezy
I was delusional at 30. So I can only imagine where she's feeling. And this is the nigga who took her virginity. She said they've been together since teenagers. This isn't gonna be easy, but I.
- [22:52]
Mandy
Have faith for you. Definitely. Sorry, my bad. I was gonna say we definitely need to do some updates. We should be doing a YGD update episode. That would be great. So I would really appreciate if you could reply to the thread. If anyone's ever sent us a question, reply and let us know what you did with that advice. That would be great to hear.
- [23:11]
Weezy
Absolutely. Well guys, we're going to leave you here. Make sure you go to NHB tour.com and check us out on tour where we bring no holds barred from the pages to the stages hun. It is going to be a live show like you've never seen it before with all of still the laughs, the kinksters and all the things. We're really excited to be doing it and we cannot become a New York Times bestseller without your help. So if you're listening to this and haven't yet pre ordered, make sure you go online, local bookstores, Amazon, whatever you need to do, order it. I just want to shout out to we got a chance to meet some of our our Whore Hive members at the Black Effect Fest and it was so awesome to know someone who lives in a town where there is no black owned bookstores purchased from a black owned bookstore in Philly. Literally, just to be sure. Literally. Uncle Bobby's is the black owned bookstore in Philadelphia and she, she let us know that she purchased from there because she wanted to support her black owned bookstore. So you already know we're pushing that. So make sure that you guys support us and thank you again. We will see y' all and check y' all out on Monday on decisions decisions. And just so you know, Horrible Decisions has not gone anywhere. You just have to join the Patreon. Patreon.com Horrible decisions.
- [24:33]
Mandy
All right, guys.
- [24:34]
Weezy
Bye. You're listening to an iHeart podcast.