You've Got Decisons: My Wife Is Holding Me Back

Summary

Podcast Summary: "You've Got Decisions: My Wife Is Holding Me Back"

Podcast: Decisions, Decisions
Hosts: Mandii B & WeezyWTF
Episode Date: August 27, 2025
Produced by: The Black Effect & iHeartPodcasts

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Episode Overview

This episode of Decisions, Decisions dives into the complexities of non-traditional relationships, sexual desire shifts within marriage, and navigating boundaries as couples grow. The hosts, Mandii B and WeezyWTF, candidly respond to a listener's dilemma about waning intimacy within his marriage and his wife’s desire to explore sexually with another woman. They also reflect on their own struggles as sex-positive Black women authors facing resistance from mainstream literary spaces.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Dating App Frustrations & Boundaries

• Weezy shares her experiences on dating apps, highlighting confusion over ghosting etiquette and boundary setting.
  • She describes an intense exchange with a woman who prefers clear, sustained communication even in casual connections and another who was overly rigid about pre-meeting video calls.
  • Takeaway: There’s a delicate balance between personal safety, setting boundaries, and keeping dating enjoyable, especially for non-traditional or poly connections.
• Memorable Moment:

  "There is a heavy pressure that I don't think people realize they're putting on others on these dating apps. It's still supposed to be fun."
  — Weezy [07:40]

2. Sex-Positive Black Women Authors & Industry Gatekeeping

• MandiiB talks openly about the struggle to get their book (No Holds Barred: A Dual Manifesto of Sexual Exploration Empowered) into mainstream festivals, despite its success.
  • They face repeated rejections due to the book’s overtly sexual nonfiction content, even at events that supposedly celebrate Black literature.
  • Industry Frustration:

    “People don’t want to hear women be sexually liberated. People don't want to hear us talk about our sexual experiences, and it’s so frustrating.”
    — Mandii B [16:28]

  • Call to Action: Listeners are encouraged to reach out with university or festival connections, especially for supporting Black women’s stories.

3. Listener Letter: "My Wife Is Holding Me Back"

The Dilemma

• A listener, “Icy Green,” writes in:
  • He married his wife for her sexual adventurousness but feels she’s become less enthusiastic post-marriage.
  • She expresses curiosity about having sex with another woman and wants to do it solo (or just with him watching, not joining).
  • He’s unsure how to rekindle intimacy and whether involving others will help or harm their dynamic.

Hosts’ Response & Advice

A. Address the Current Relationship First

• Mandii B cautions:

  “If you are not fully fulfilled where you're currently at in your relationship, adding just another spirit, energy, coochie, dick... just gonna complicate or highlight the real issues.”
  — Mandii B [25:50]

• Suggested Steps:
  • Focus on rebuilding your intimacy first (e.g., plan a hotel staycation, change the bedroom atmosphere, recreate the excitement outside daily routines).
  • Communicate beyond compliments—cultivate emotional reassurance, not just physical affirmation.

B. Weight Gain and Insecurity

• Bringing up a partner’s weight can reinforce insecurities, potentially impacting their libido and self-image.
  • Mandii B Side-Eyes:

    “You mentioning the weight gain, baby, make it seem like maybe she is right now currently insecure with the weight gain... which insecurity absolutely can affect your sex drive.”
    — [24:50]

C. Communication Techniques

• Courtney (Producer) adds the importance of honest, low-pressure conversations outside intimate or stressful moments (e.g., during a calm commute or watching TV).
  • It's essential to ask what's really going on (“Is it something I’m doing?”), as the issue may be internal or unrelated to the partner.

D. Shifts in Sexual Desire & Preferences

• The hosts speculate whether the wife’s increased interest in women signals a deeper exploration of her sexuality or possibly a need for non-monogamous structures.
  • Mandii B:

    "As a bisexual woman... when I want to be with a woman, I don't always want a man to be there. Like those desires come from me just wanting to be with a woman."

  • They recommend the listener:
    • Openly ask if these experiences are about curiosity or a need for a new sexual identity/context.
    • Research different relationship styles (poly, swinging, open marriage, etc.)

E. Don’t Be Thirsty to Join

• A critical point: Don’t force presence in a partner’s sexual exploration—sometimes it’s about their solo journey.
  • Mandii B:

    “Do not be thirsty to participate, to even be present... when a woman is expressing her sexual needs.”
    — [33:40]

F. Concrete Exercises

• Try listing what you both love and wish for in your sex life. Share and discuss in a supportive manner.
  • This creates space for honesty and growth, just as any other shared hobby or passion would.

G. Final Takeaway:

• Healthy sexual relationships depend on open communication, emotional safety, and mutual exploration (not just new bodies).
• Don’t use threesomes or outside partners to “fix” what’s misaligned—address core issues first.

“Sex is like hiking, like going to the park, like going bowling. It's something you like to do for fun. And the same way you get better at those things, you can do with sex as well.”
— Mandii B [36:29]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Requiring a FaceTime, not doing too much; requiring for me to put it in my Google Cal and make a lock... that's too much for a call.” — Weezy [07:20]
• “We genuinely feel like people don’t want to hear women be sexually liberated. ...It’s just frustrating.” — Mandii B [16:29]
• “Is something going on? In her case, it was a lot of like, interpersonal stuff, a lot of like religious based stuff. ...that conversation alone led to more conversations.” — Courtney [27:46]
• “When I want to be with a woman, I don’t always want a man to be there.” — Mandii B [31:10]
• “Don’t be thirsty to participate, to even be present. ...Even, like, that's where the conversation needs to be had.” — Mandii B [33:40]
• “List the things that you love most about her in the bedroom. List the things you wish she did more.” — Mandii B [36:29]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:00-08:50 – Catch up and recent dating app stories (Weezy’s ghosting saga, boundary-setting debates)
• 11:54-15:46 – Book review, industry frustrations, and plea for listener help with book events
• 20:02-24:50 – Listener letter introduction (“Icy Green” shares his marital bedroom woes)
• 24:50-36:29 – In-depth advice: communication, intimacy exercises, non-traditional dynamics, and actionable steps

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Conclusion

This episode spotlights the messiness and beauty of modern relationships—especially as couples change and question old norms. With signature humor and candidness, Mandii B and WeezyWTF stress the importance of emotional connection, clear communication, and thoughtful exploration of both individual and shared desires. Above all, they urge listeners to nurture their partnerships before introducing others, and to advocate for sex-positive spaces in all parts of life.

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For listener submissions: Write to decisionspodmail.com
For supporting their book or inviting them to events: DM @fullcourtpumps, email decisionspodmail.com, or reach out wherever possible.

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Stay tuned for next week’s “You Got Decisions”!

Transcript

[Mandy V]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Geico Host]

I'm here on the job site with Dale who's a framing contractor.

[Weezy]

Hey, good morning.

[Geico Host]

Dale traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for all his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most.

[Weezy]

Yep, they sure are.

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We make it easy for him to save on all his insurance needs all in one place with coverage that fits his business and bottom line. Oh, I shouldn't have looked down.

[Weezy]

It's alright.

[Geico Host]

We're so far up here.

[Weezy]

Look at me.

[Mandy V]

Take a deep breath.

[Geico Host]

I'm good. So good.

[Mandy V]

Get a commercial auto insurance quote today at GEICO and see how much you could save. Get more with Geico. Hey guys. Welcome to another episode of Horror Blade. This is your old cinema, so if you have not yet, we are going to start off by letting you know that spoiler alert. We are talking hunting wives on Netflix today.

[Weezy]

Y' all have over to do. If you ain't seen this, I was.

[Mandy V]

About to say y' all late. Go watch them Republicans and they sex fueled drug induced chaos. It's great. So if you haven't seen it yet, you may want to save this episode for later. But if you have watched it, you are in for a time. We are going to start though with a little quick catch up though because we're filming this quite at a good time for y' all to, you know, see what's going on. I think they'll get this in like a week or two.

[Weezy]

Oh shit. We got to give Billy his. Because Billy his live show.

[Mandy V]

But yeah.

[Weezy]

So let me think. What should I catch up? Oh, okay. So we double bathed on a thick girl.

[Mandy V]

Okay. That they have not heard that story yet.

[Weezy]

Well, to, to, to just round it up basically. Ooh, did you see my hitch moment? I was like, oh, I could see it still, bitch. My. Let me show you my face yesterday blew the fuck up.

[Mandy V]

You stay with something. What happened, bitch?

[Weezy]

I don't know. I don't know. But anyway, I posted it online.

[Mandy V]

What happened?

[Weezy]

But it got cuter after a while.

[Mandy V]

It just. Nothing about that looks cute.

[Weezy]

It gave lip tiller.

[Mandy V]

But you look like Angie.

[Weezy]

No, I said I look like Larsa Pippen. Oh, I don't know what's going on. But I was like, ooh, bitch, I'm gonna be honest with you. I better not be allergic to alcohol. I had two things that night. Natural wine. I went to a cute party called Wine for me and Wine for Me bk. I really liked it. I met a lot of Jorge there, bitch.

[Mandy V]

Maybe it wasn't natural.

[Weezy]

No, I Think this is the natural one. I think it's something with that shit. And then the other thing I had. I know this sounds like it's. It was crab legs, but I only eat crab legs. I better not have got a.

[Mandy V]

If you got a shellfish allergy, egg is enough. Big aim.

[Weezy]

Egg is enough.

[Mandy V]

Oh, my God. No, it's probably the crab legs, bro.

[Weezy]

I woke up, got in the room, that nigga went, oh.

[Mandy V]

Oh, no, no, it's. You might need to go do an allergy test.

[Weezy]

I'm going to show y' all a picture. So then I got really mad because of the way he reacted, and I was like, stop. And then literally. So one of our listeners was like, bitch, you need to be in a bubble.

[Mandy V]

Might need to get an allergy test. It might be a good reason we.

[Weezy]

Ain'T on tour, Bitch clip. Oh, some real shit. What the fuck is going on? Anyway, okay, so you guys haven't heard this episode yet, but we did an episode with Alex in la, and basically I was talking about how.

[Mandy V]

How Wheezy ghosted the thick bitch.

[Weezy]

I didn't know that it was a ghost. We just haven't talked in months. Whatever. So she sent me a message on field once we rematched and was like, yo, I'm not a sex worker that you could just hit up and be a plaything. Whatever. So then I was kind of feeling funny because her message was intense. Yeah, she texted me this a few days ago.

[Mandy V]

Oh, this is not the letter you read already.

[Weezy]

No, she said, hey, I hope you. I didn't turn you off. Like, I need too much. I am really happy with catching up every couple months, more or less. Their schedules don't align. I just didn't want you to think I was naturally cool with sleeping with people that disappear without explanation or need leave. Let's grab food, drinks, three way kiss, or just hang out with. If you're not busy with another date tonight to, like, bro, how do you tell me you cool with everything you want? But then you said, I treated you.

[Mandy V]

Like a sex worker because she said that disappear. Like, so there's still a level of a relationship she wants, whether it's through text message, phone calls, pictures from time to time. That literally sounds like, bitch, don't fuck me, Go a couple weeks or months without hitting me, and then hit me only when you around. I'm. That's a very valid request.

[Weezy]

I don't feel like right now. I just wanted to say I'm not disappearing.

[Mandy V]

I'm not gonna hold you. That's A very valid request, especially for a couple. So, bro, one of y' all motherfuckers about to be hitting me, checking on if I'm good alive, what's going on in life.

[Weezy]

I understand the whole thing of, like, ghosting. Like, not replying to a few messages.

[Mandy V]

But just not having a thread for a few months.

[Weezy]

Is that bad?

[Mandy V]

Yes.

[Weezy]

She could attack me too. But anyway, so then we match with this other girl that we start feeling now. Let me just read this to me. Was a little too high. So this is a new girl, but I've kind of, like, turned off from how she's talking to me because I don't like it.

[Mandy V]

What the fuck? Not hard.

[Weezy]

So had this requirement, not just having.

[Mandy V]

Requirements and boundaries and standards, it's just.

[Weezy]

Sometimes it's a little too much.

[Mandy V]

Okay, let me hear what was too much.

[Weezy]

So we're flirting, blah, blah. And I was like, how's your week holding up? Would you be up for drinks? I'd love to. I'm not on here very much, so you could text me. I'm usually a FaceTime Zoom call in before I meet up with anyone, especially couples.

[Mandy V]

Cool.

[Weezy]

Send her my number, hit me up, whatever. She then messages me in a text with the phone number.

[Mandy V]

Hi.

[Weezy]

Looking forward to having a call. Can send you a zoom link maturity of my phone number. Or we can do FaceTime if you two are comfortable. I do require this before meeting up.

[Mandy V]

Okay.

[Weezy]

So I said, all right, cool.

[Mandy V]

I mean, I require. Wait.

[Weezy]

Okay, cool. We'll be together around 8:30. I think we're heading out to a party in Brooklyn, but give us a buzz whenever. Well, if you're heading out to a party, it may not be the best time for a zoom call now wouldn't it? Bitch.

[Mandy V]

What?

[Weezy]

I said, hey. Didn't know we were having an interview. Just figured you wanted to make sure we look like our photos and that there was a vibe check. To be honest with you, I'm actually not having one anymore. Boom. I'm done. Bitch. Don't talk to me like that. Are you crazy? Just say oh when you're more free. Like, she didn't have to talk to me like that. Did she write me back this morning? I feel like we got started off the wrong foot, but I thought you'd be understanding as a woman. There are many requirements and safety precautions that one needs to take, especially on an app like this. So that is why I'm asking you for your time and consideration, not to be thrown and discarded by saying, we'll be out. Just call Whenever there's some tiring hobby.

[Mandy V]

See, you're on the other leg of the foot. Like I had when I was on the app looking for couples. Oh, there was like again, I shared that they not only want to test results with me first. We all did. I share that. We all. Yeah, but we did all get on a group thing first. There is just a level of consideration.

[Weezy]

As I'm not an inconsiderate person.

[Mandy V]

I get it.

[Weezy]

I would FaceTime you.

[Mandy V]

We're already in a group chat.

[Weezy]

I share results before I even get off the apps. Well, I'm not somebody that's tossing people away, but I'll tell me. Hey, just want to check. Are you free tonight?

[Mandy V]

Oh, we'll be out.

[Weezy]

If you want to call me, like, bitch, it's a requirement. I need to send you a zoom. Like, like get the fuck out of your bro. It's a dating app. At the end of the day, like.

[Mandy V]

You'Re doing too much. There's the thing is doing too much.

[Weezy]

Requiring a FaceTime, not doing too much, requiring for me to put in my Google cal and make a lock and all this. Too much for a call. Now what is inconsiderate is I think saying something, I'm like free or this day or this day or this day for a date, maybe not solidifying plans.

[Mandy V]

You're requiring the call telling me you.

[Weezy]

Want it to be tonight cuz you want to see me by the weekend and I need to be absolutely available and in the house for a zoom link. You're doing too much and I understand that, like we have to be so precautionary on apps because people are crazy. Especially all these Freedom McFadden murder books I'm reading. But at the end of the day, there is a heavy pressure that I don't think people realize they're putting on others on these dating apps. It's still supposed to be fun. We're still supposed to be enjoying ourselves. And let's just be honest, 98% of the time, someone's not going to kill you on the app.

[Mandy V]

Let's just say 99.

[Weezy]

So don't treat me like the fucking enemy. Like, to me that was a really weird thing. Well, it seems like you're blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't like the fact that like we're giving someone a list, like let the vibe happen first. We're already like talking, being friendly on the app. What are you into? I love to go here on the weekends, blah, blah, blah. I think that like some people are starting to treat dating Like a favor. At the end of the day, we can all swipe each other away. Don't speak to me as if this isn't supposed to be a romantic connection. Like, what the fuck are you doing? How can we build any type of connection or bond once you start talking to somebody like that?

[Mandy V]

I mean, you. You're more entitled to feel how you want to feel. I don't, on my first talk, want to be talking to someone because I know. I want to figure out if we bond or not, if they're going out or they're gonna be out. Like, it's. It's funny because I just recently matched someone. He was really, really attractive. But then I realized he was using seven year old pictures, so it didn't go anywhere. Because then once we got on FaceTime, not only was he a little bit more rough, then he looked on his page. He had a lisp. So never talk to him again because of the list. But for me, I. And you know, even when we have work calls, I like undivided attention. I don't really. I'm not on work call with her. No, no, no, I get that. But in any calls where I want to actually talk to the person I don't want to talk to, no nigga I meet on a dating app while.

[Weezy]

They'Re going out, the passive aggressive response of, well, then, you're not free, are you? You said to me, you can only speak at a certain time. I said, we'll be together. We'll be heading out to a party later that night. But 8:30 is fine. Like, you can call us whenever you're free.

[Mandy V]

No, you. You could. You see it as passive aggressive. I don't hate it.

[Weezy]

Well, you're not really free then, are you? That's passive aggressive.

[Mandy V]

I mean, I would say that too. You're not really free then.

[Weezy]

That's condescending and passive aggressive.

[Mandy V]

If I said, I want to talk to you when you're free, and you're like, yeah, we'll be on the way to the party. You only have a window.

[Weezy]

Like, come on, Mandy, you're not really free then, are you? Okay, Just say okay. It doesn't work, then let's try another day. There are many answers you can give somebody without being rude. So I think that, like, consideration for how you speak to somebody. She's turning me off. Sure.

[Mandy V]

You're telling me you only have this block?

[Weezy]

I'm telling you that you're requiring a call from me. I'm telling you, hey, we'll be together at 8:30. Just to let you know, we'll be going to a party later, but feel free to call since you need this and, well, you're not really free then. Bitch, I'm not really free to even meet you at that point. Who the fuck are you talking to? Like, I think that once you start treating it, and this is what I mean by the dating process of interviewing, I completely respect people that want to feel someone out. But I don't speak to my friends that way. I don't speak to my friends that way. I don't speak to my lovers that way. This isn't. And to be honest, speaking even colleagues that way is actually kind of rude. Well, you're not really read that. Like, it's just kind of like silly. Like. And I think she showed me when you're having bad situations with people online, like, bitch, you need a break. You need a fucking break from the abs because some nigga fucked her up, some couple was rude to her, passive aggressive, maybe argued in front of her, didn't look like their photos.

[Mandy V]

You need a break, bitch.

[Weezy]

That shit is crazy. The other girl totally fine. And understand her texting me, bitch, I don't know you, ho. You ain't had this pussy yet and you never got summer.

[Mandy V]

Okay, all right.

[Weezy]

Anyway, that's my catch up.

[Mandy V]

You just got a little taste of the horrible Decisions Patreon. But why stop there? Tap in for the full, uncut and way nastier episodes over on patreon. Go to patreon.com horribledecisions and unlock all the messy tea, wild stories and bonus content you won't hear anywhere else. And now, here's yous've Got Decision.

[Weezy]

If you would like to have us answer your questions. If you have a terrible job, a terrible boyfriend, or a terrible thruffle, guess what?

[Mandy V]

You got Decisions. Welcome to you Got Decisions. Pussa Hope, I'm your girl, Mandy V. And I'm here today with the you got Decisions. You already know this is whole male reincarnated. So if you haven't yet, make sure you send us your letter over to decisionspodmail.com where we will attempt to give you some help. I still don't know why y' all want our helps. We are still figuring out lives ourselves. But I think y' all really like the advice that we have to give you. I do have my producer in the booth. I'm at the need to Know studios. So I got Courtney helping me here. Hello.

[Courtney]

Hello, everyone.

[Mandy V]

Hopefully you're going to get some male insight, some female insight. We gonna give it to you. Okay? Before we get to this week's letter, however, I do want to read yet another review from Amazon on our book, no Holds Barred, a dual manifesto of sexual exploration, Empowered, which is out and available now. If you have not gotten it yet, make sure you get that thing. So this comes from Mary Kate McNeill. I've been a longtime listener of the pod which saved my life after a traumatic breakup, and a longtime fan of both Weezy and Mandy B. And I have to say with all sincerity that this book was absolutely amazing. I appreciate their honesty, candor and truth. I appreciate the heart stories shared, the humanness and power of female connectivity. Everyone should read this whether they listen to the podcast or not. Now, I'm only gonna do this because we not here and she probably would like vote against me doing this, but I do not give a fuck at this point. Just write a goddamn email and we are not being supported. Let me tell you how so. Yes, our book is about sex. Y' all saw what the first week of bookstores looked like for us. No holes barred. As lovely and as meaningful as this book is to women, starting from early, I would. I wouldn't say early adolescence, but like late teen years all the way up through your 50s. This is a book for all women to step into their power, to regain their power, to heal from a traumatic experience, to not blame themselves, to find the truth like in where they Exist. I'm probably doing too much, but I'm gonna do it anyway. This is not the listener letter, but this is a response. Bits and pieces of a response of an email we recently were told by Kennedy Ryan, who is another black author, about this convention called the 2025 National Book Festival. It is taking place in D.C. i believe in September. And this is the frustration that we keep getting. Excellent that you're chatting with Kennedy. You know she would be a great ally for you and noho's Bard. The team will be able to answer whether it is possible to get you into the National Book Festival lineup and whether it makes sense. However, my instinct is that the NBF will be reluctant to take an overtly sexual nonfiction content there. Your hard earned New York Times bestselling author credentials are helpful, but the topic is likely going to be too racy, y'.

[Weezy]

All.

[Mandy V]

For the last couple weeks we have been sending constant ways for us to join book conventions again. We took a step down from the book tour to really get into more of the book space and leave the touring for the podcast. And when I tell you, me and Weezy are Sick of the no's. So if there is anyone listening to this podcast who has any sort of connections to get Weezy and I to get these books into colleges, women's studies programs, any other book conventions where we can meet more book readers, where we could specifically be around other black women that support black authors and black storytelling, please, please DM me at full court pumps everywhere. Email us decisionspotmail. We would love for our audience that sees the value in this book to help us to get to more places. Because, baby, what team? Throughout the entire time we were pitching this book, even before becoming New York Times bestsellers, which we thank y' all for, we genuinely feel like people don't want to hear women be sexually liberated. People don't want to hear us talk about our sexual experiences. And it's so frustrating. It is so frustrating. I don't even know if we. If y' all are on Patreon, we share it with y'.

[Weezy]

All.

[Mandy V]

We weren't even able to say the title of our book at Essence Fest. The title would really, really, really love any of the whorehive support or any random listener that was just like, oh, you got decisions. They give advice. Please, please, please, if y' all have any connections to any sort of book festivals, black bookstores, anything that we can show up for and really meet and greet with you guys and continue the push for this book that we really, really believe in, please, please, please hit us up. Okay, Now, Courtney, you ready to give some advice?

[Courtney]

I'm all here.

[Mandy V]

That didn't sound crazy, did it? Do you know my frustration right now.

[Courtney]

Court, like, so I'm going to represent the Layman's here. So what are. What is the mbf?

[Mandy V]

So it's the National Book Festival. So it's the event that I just talked about. So it's in D.C. and it caters to black books.

[Courtney]

Okay. Oh, okay. Wow, that's kind of.

[Mandy V]

That's crazy. Anytime we've mentioned wanting to be a part of these book fairs, book festivals, book conventions, book conferences, everything book. And a big word after it. They're like, well, we just don't think your book is going to be accepted here or that it makes sense or we're reluctant at you having a presence here because XYZ elemental P stuck my fucking dick. Like, it's really just been frustrating. I don't know how many no's I can take this year. Let's just say that between, like, what? Mind you, prior to the book, we had three months of PR where, baby, it was just. No, no, no, no, we had no traditional media. There's still so many other people within our own sphere that don't really support us either for whatever reason. I mean, clearly it's the sex reason. But I'm just. It's just frustrating.

[Courtney]

It's still unjust though. Cause it's just like, I mean, there's books about. I mean like first off, 50 shades.

[Mandy V]

Of gray exists, mind you, Kennedy Ryan's book talks about there's sexual elements in her book as well. Like, and so it's just frustrating because it's like we specifically made sure to lean into the mental health aspect of, of our journeys. It's a self help book. We made New York Times bestseller in the advice column. Which is. Right. With Mel Robbins.

[Courtney]

Yeah, like, and no. And no shade to works like. Cause even to that point there's like works like Precious and stuff like that. No shade to authors like that. But like, even from what I've seen growing up in my generation, y' all address the positive and the negatives about this sort of trauma versus like all the years worth of books we've been getting where it's just like, for lack of a better term, misery porn.

[Mandy V]

Literally the like, it's real life. And so the fact that it's even sex nonfiction. So what? We can only accept sex when it's what?

[Courtney]

Fiction?

[Mandy V]

When it's fiction? That is crazy. Sorry. I clearly just got off of a plane landed, saw that email and it pissed me the fuck off. Okay, now the you got decisions question today comes from. I believe this is a male writer, which is why I wanted to include you in this one court, if you don't mind helping me. The subject line for this one is, my wife is holding back court. Hello. My nickname is Icy Green, so we will go with that. So my wife and I are at a crossroads. I am a freaky ass dude. And I know my wife was freaky as fuck as well. That's part of the reason why I married her. But since we've been married for five years now, the freaky side in her just went off. I've asked her numerous times that did she find me attractive, do I still turn her on? She says yes every single time. And I'm not going to front. She has gained 10 to 15 pounds since we've been married. But I thought my wife was bad then, just like I think she's bad now. But she always tells me I'm just saying that or I'm lying and all that other stuff which frustrates the hell out of Me, so I don't know what to do. So we're in a situation now where I want to spice things up, and she claims that she does as well, but I'm the one putting in all the effort. She wants to be with another bitch. All right, not the bitch word. Like she wants to be with another bitch. She wants to scissor and all that other stuff because she's always been curious about another woman. So we're going to Vegas in a few weeks, and hopefully it happens. She said her big fear is I'm going to want to join. And naturally I. I'm a man, so of course I want to join. But out of respect for her, I am more than happy to sit in the corner and jack my shit while watching my wife scissor another woman. So what do you guys recommend? How do I get her to break the ice? Because we get women flirting with her all the time because I think my wife is bad, like I said. And obviously other people do, too. And she did say she's down with the same room, no swap. So what do you guys recommend? I do? Because I see niggas all the time staring at my wife and trying to holler at her and shit like that at work and everything, and it doesn't bother me. I think it's amazing that people find my wife attractive because I know I sure as hell do. We've also talked about threesomes, but she doesn't seem to be appealed at the idea. She knows I've had them, but she claims that she's never had it. I've had FMF threesomes multiple times, and she's never done it. She's told me she's never had a threesome at all and that she doesn't know if that the two dudes that she had a threesome with. I know that y' all gotta. Y' all gotta do this shit. Y' all gotta. Y' all gotta. Cause like, what is he writing here? He's all over the place. She says that, yeah, I had one with two guys, and now I'm just like, okay, anyways, all right, so your girlfriend says she's never been with a woman. She's never had a two female threesome, but allegedly she's shared that she's been with two guys before. Clearly that's something you're not interested in. So a part of you is just clearly like, yeah, she told me she did that that one time, but we not gonna talk about that. So your question is. There's a few things happening here. Right. I think it's interesting that you're saying that your sex life currently is almost non existent. Your wife isn't as freaky as she once was. Let's start there before you start adding other people into the mix. Because I think that when we talk about spicing something up, Weezy says it all the time too. If you are not in a healthy space with your relationship, if you are not fully fulfilled where you're currently at in your relationship, adding just another spirit, energy, coochie, dick, just gonna complicate it or highlight the real issues within your relationship. So you feel me. So a few things I would say is before you allow her to scissor another woman, before that's a conversation, whether you're in the room or not, before that becomes something that you both essentially enjoy, you got to get right with her first. And so what that looks like is not just complimenting her and saying, baby, you bad as fuck. I don't even care about the weight gain, all of that. Because let's be very clear, you mentioning the weight gain, I'm side eyeing you. Yeah. You know, my wife gained about 10, 15 pounds as we got married or whatever. But she's still bad. You mentioning the pounds, baby, make it seem like maybe she is right now currently insecure with the weight gain with wherever she's at right now. Which insecurity absolutely can affect your sex drive point blank period. And so if for whatever reason she's not comfortable, if she's not believing even your words of affirmations, there has to be something to where you guys click back again. So a few suggestions. I mean clearly communication is key, right? I would maybe try to set up a really sexy dinner date going from dinner. It could be even a trip. You know what, fuck dinner. Cause dinner you done already brought up her weight. Let's, let's, let's make sure she eating on an island somewhere. You feel me? Like I would say to put the spark back into the relationship. And it doesn't have to be a lot of money, you don't have to go to an island. You could do a staycation, right? Hotel sex always brings a freak out. Baby. You ain't got to worry about if the bed break, you ain't got to worry about making a mess. It's a little bit fun to think about whether the people next door can hear you or not. Like it just intensifies the experience. So my first bit of advice to this would be before you go into letting her scissor another woman and Y' all experiencing that together. Get the bedroom and sex life right first. That is the first step. And I would say this may take a couple months, so Vegas might have to happen for New Year's or something. You know what I mean? It might have to take a couple months. So I would say fix where you're at in the bedroom now, period. Get back to your wife being the freak that you married. Then from there you go into the conversations about what it looks like bringing someone else into the bedroom. And before we get there, Court, I want to ask you, being a man, having had relationships, if the sex routine or the dynamic of sex changed what has been different, things that you've done, or what has conversations looked like before it got to either breaking up, cheating, or any of the toxic mess.

[Courtney]

I'm very direct, so, like, I'll. I literally that. And that has happened to me my last relationship. So I had to. At one point I sat down with her and was just like, hey, what's going on? I'm noticing, like, we just don't do stuff anymore and stuff like that.

[Mandy V]

Where did you have this conversation? Was it like, because I always say too, don't have this conversation in the bed. Like, don't be trying to rub up on your wife's thigh. And then she maybe declines the advancements. And then you be like, see, this is what I'm talking about. You won't be fucking me no more. So where would you suggest even this conversation? Like, and where did you have your conversation? Like, how did that conversation go for you?

[Courtney]

So a lot of the times when I was like picking her up from work and we would just take the bus back home together and stuff, I was just like, I would ask her on the bus rides if we had gone on a date. I would, you know, I would take those moments. Or even if it's just like a mundane moment at the crib and we're just sitting down watching a movie and I'm just like, oh, let me pause this. I want to talk to you real quick about something. Yeah, just, just bring it up. And just like, it's. It's always great to notice, like, to say, like, you notice like, yo, you're kind of falling back and I'm just kind of concerned about that. Am I doing something? Like, is something going on? In her case, it was a lot of like, interpersonal stuff, a lot of like religious based stuff. So there was like a lot of actual, like, that conversation alone led to more conversations about like, oh, this is a whole thing that, like, you gotta like, you kind of. You're kind of warring within yourself. This has to do with me, right? Yeah.

[Mandy V]

And I wonder if that's something. I do also wonder if the conversation. And now we're going to get to the other little elephant in the room here. I'm also curious and this is not. I don't want to put it on her, but this is where my mind goes reading this. I'm also curious if her desire for women right now is so strong.

[Courtney]

Exactly. Because I'm not gonna lie. The moment when he was just like, I don't know what it was.

[Mandy V]

The wait. The fact that she's. The fact that maybe she said, but I don't want you to join. I just want this.

[Weezy]

Yeah.

[Courtney]

Like even from when she first, like when he was like, oh, we talked about. And she's expressed the interest like, oh, I mean I could get it. I could get in with, you know, another woman. And I'm like, that's just so strange because at the point in time her sex drive is like low, but she's.

[Mandy V]

Telling you she want to have sex with a woman without you. That's what. That's where I was like, we here. We here. Oh, I'm, I'm curious as to maybe she's experiencing some level of not only curiosity, but shift in maybe her sexual desire.

[Courtney]

Sexual desire. And I've, I've seen weirdly enough in middle school I was seeing that a. But with a lot of people figuring things out.

[Mandy V]

You're so young, it's so cute you referencing middle school right now, stuff like.

[Courtney]

That at 13 and 14. What do you mean you're by. But it's just like a lot of.

[Mandy V]

I mean, the Gen Z is though. No, I think do do yeah. Start questioning differently.

[Courtney]

So it's a very interesting thing. Like, and it's a real thing like, yeah, you might have thought about yourself one way for so long and then you get into a situation, you're like, oh, shit.

[Mandy V]

But that's what I'm saying too. I think Gen Z has had the ability to, you know, waver and experiment and fill shit out. And they're being introduced to way more things than the older generation. And so even with things like the book and horrible decisions and decisions and decisions, these conversations of different types of relationships are there and it's literally having people question, you know, what is for them. And to the, to the person who wrote in, this isn't to scare you at all, but it could be the reality. Because here's the thing too. As A bisexual woman. And I've had to have this conversation with both of my exes recently. Yo, not recently, but my two most recent exes. When I want to be with a woman, I don't always want a man to be there. Like those desires come from me just wanting to be with a woman. And I mean, I think it was a little harder for Active to kind of grapple with that because we weren't having threesomes or anything. But I do think it, it's something to consider and I think that you need to have maybe both conversations then. Do you think that this is something that he should bring up in the conversation about their own sex life? Because to me, it's interesting that you're not really trying to fuck me, but when we're talking about spicing things up, you want to explore with another person without me. And that to me sounds like you're also. Does she want to open this relationship up?

[Courtney]

That's what I'm saying. I'm like, there's like her interest I don't want to say is not with you, but there's a part of it that's somewhere else too.

[Mandy V]

100% court a part of it. And so I would, I would really lean into what these sexual desires with a woman entails. I would also like to have you push the conversation to discussing how that impacts the dynamic of your marriage in terms of, okay, are we moving this into any sort of like open swinging poly? And I know sometimes we hate the labels, right? But I think it's, I think it's good for everyone, honestly, listening to just Google the poly umbrella. Google ChatGPT is my husband. Go to ChatGPT and literally tell them, list all of the non traditional relationship dynamics that exist and explain the difference between each. Because where a lot of us are questioning whether monogamy is for us, especially before we cheat, especially while we want to explore our sexuality, it's important to know all the different ways that you can go about it, all the different ways you can create boundaries, all the different ways that you could still respect each other within your dynamic. Furthermore, I will say this to any man, and I'm going to leave off with this. When you go to introducing threesomes or adding women into the bedroom, do not be thirsty to participate, to even be present. Like it's a like even. Okay, I don't know if you felt my ick court, but for her to express, hey, so I just want to scissor a woman and I don't want you involved. And his Response to be, okay, well, I'm gonna go sit in the corner and jack off while I watch y'.

[Weezy]

All.

[Mandy V]

Like, even. Even, like, that's where I think the conversation needs to be had, because your need to be present and get off. When a woman is expressing her sexual needs and things, it gets tricky.

[Courtney]

And to be honest, now that you just said that, it just occurred in my head. Maybe that could be a trait that she recognizes where she's like. It's adding to the insecurity to where she's like, there is stuff I want to talk about, but. Because I know I don't really want to, but.

[Mandy V]

Right. And so it might be to where it's like, damn, I want to explore. But you got to be there.

[Courtney]

He's got to be there.

[Mandy V]

You got to be there. And if I haven't had these relationships with women just yet and I want to fill it out, that could make me less comfortable to do so. And so I think that's probably. Let's be very clear. If she's pulled away, I'd be really curious if y' all have been married for five years, even though she was a freak in the beginning, I don't know how long y' all have known each other. I would be curious to know how comfortable she actually feels talking to you about sex. And I think that becomes even a bigger thing in terms of growing in a healthy sexual way with a partner is the comfortability in expressing desires, fantasies, things you want with the partner without the partner. What the partner doesn't do that great. What the partner does. Well, when we were on our tour, for anyone who's come to the horrible decisions, live shows, we used to do a thing with couples where they would sit back to back and they would have to share, write it on a. On a whiteboard where their partner could improve in the bedroom. And so it was interesting to see the person really hold up the mirror and take a full account of where they think they lacked and their partner being able to say, yep, this is where you lacked. And it was interesting how many times those differed. And when they differ, it's because, oh, there's clearly not.

[Courtney]

Synchronicity.

[Mandy V]

There we go. Yeah, Synchronicity.

[Courtney]

There's a lack of communication in that.

[Mandy V]

Listen, bitch is an author. I want to use big words.

[Courtney]

Come on, come on.

[Mandy V]

Sat V. Synchronicity. Synchronicity.

[Courtney]

Synchronicity. Yep.

[Mandy V]

And then it was so. It was so interesting, too, on the other hand, to see the couples that was like, we be talking about this we working on it. And they would get it at the same time. So maybe that's another thing. That's another game you could play. I would say list the things that you love most about her in the bedroom. List the things you wish she did more and allow her to create that same list for you. And y' all go over notes with each other. Like, that's the thing. Sex. Sex is like this whole taboo thing, bitch. At the end of the day, it's like hiking. It's like going to the park. It's like going bowling. It's something that you like to do for fun. It's fun. And so the same way you would, you know, try to watch back the tape and get better at basketball or, you know, like, ooh, next time we go bowling, I want to put the railings down. Like, the same way you think about how much more exciting you can make these type of things and how much better you can get at it is what you should be doing for sex as well. So I hope that that helps. Now, y' all know I also do Mandy on the hotline over on Patreon, and so would love for you guys to send me voicemails. Let me give y' all that number because where we take your listener letters here, I take your voicemail, babe. So if you haven't yet, make sure you go ahead and join our Patreon. That's patreon.com Horrible Decisions. And Mandy on the hotline is where I answer your voicemails. So go ahead and call in to 973-932-0227. That's 973-932-0229. Leave a voicemail to leave a listener letter for you. Got decisions that airs every Wednesday. Make sure you write us [e-mail] and if you've made it all this way and you have any sort of book con, book conference, wait conference and conventions is cons. So any book cons, any book fests, any book parties, any book clubs, please, please, please reach out to myself or Weezy or email us decisionspodmail.com Also, if any of you work at any schools specifically, would love, love, love to get these books and copies over in at some women's studies departments or sexual health departments, sexual history departments. It would be. It would really be really dope to continue getting this word out and helping more women of color, specifically black women, find their power, y'. All. This has been you got decisions. Really excited to see Yalls next week. Bye. This is an iHeart podcast.