UNLOCKED: Red Hot Ranch with Jon Gabrus (LIVE)

Summary

Doughboys: Red Hot Ranch with Jon Gabrus (LIVE)

Released: July 2, 2026 | Hosts: Mike "Spoonman" Mitchell & Nick Wiger | Guest: Jon Gabrus | Venue: The Den Theater, Chicago

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

Theme:
The Doughboys (Mike Mitchell and Nick Wiger), joined by recurring guest Jon Gabrus, travel to Chicago to review iconic local “chain” Red Hot Ranch. The live show blends fast food talk with personal anecdotes, riffs on Chicago culture, and spirited audience interaction. While ostensibly about hot dogs, the episode dives deep into the burger-shrimp-hot dog hierarchy, with characteristic Doughboys tangents and their famously chaotic banter.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Setting the Scene: The Chicago Experience

• The team’s stay in Chicago is replete with classic travel woes: subpar Airbnb, falling down stairs, cockroaches, and adjusting to winter weather.

  • [07:01] Mitchell: “We got a lot of stairs… I fell down the stairs last night.”
  • [08:05] Mitchell: “The stairs are helpful for the cockroaches.”

• Movie Night Comradeship:

  • Watching Minority Report together becomes a running joke, especially around Amelia’s confusion and attempts to follow the plot.
  • [23:36] Mitchell: “When that wooden ball showed up and it was Tom Cruise's name on it, your jaw fucking hit the floor.”

• Chicago’s infamous “Dave Matthews poop bus” incident is referenced for local color.

  • [03:22] Weiger: “A plaque commemorates the infamous DMB BM incident, colloquially known as Poop Gate.”

2. Red Hot Ranch: Atmosphere & Approach

• Ambience: They describe RHR as “grimy,” “cash-only,” and standing-room only at certain locations.

  • [53:10] Gabrius: “On the landing page... is a visibly dirty grill.”
  • [54:27] Weiger: “I like a sort of trashier, cash only place… reminds me of like a Tommy’s Burger in LA.”

• Location Notes: Two locations are visited:

  • Bucktown (no seating, directly under L-train, earplugs provided when sitting outdoors);
    [56:17] Mitchell: "If you sit outside, they give you earplugs…so you can sit under the train and eat."
  • Skokie (with seats, fish sandwich special).

• Menu Highlights:

  • Burgers (single, double)
  • Hot Dogs (depression-style, not classic Chicago with full toppings)
  • Polish sausages
  • Fresh-cut fries
  • Fried shrimp
  • Fish sandwich (Skokie only)
  • [62:53] Weiger: “We got two of the RHR cheeseburgers... two RHR double cheeseburgers ... three of the hot dogs ... a polish and fries ... and the piece de resistance, one pound of fried shrimp.”

3. Food Reviews & Key Debates

Burgers vs. Hot Dogs

• General Consensus:

  • All three hosts prefer burgers, even at a “hot dog” place.
  • [34:13] Mitchell: “I am also a burger boy.”
  • [33:59] Gabrius: “If you want me to Eat a hot dog. I promise I will. It’s a dog town here. It is, right?”
  • [79:02] Weiger: “This is a hamburger restaurant. Their burger is so good that...the hot dog, it gets second billing.”

• Burger Specific Notes:

  • The burger’s resemblance to In-N-Out’s style is heavily remarked upon.
  • [65:53] Weiger: “This is clearly derived from that [In-N-Out] by their, by their, the owner’s admission.”
  • Special sauce with horseradish kicks.
  • [66:09] Gabrius: “The most amount of times I've said horseradish in my life.”

• Burgers vs. Other Chicago Classics:

  • Mentions of now-controversial Kuma’s Corner, Small Cheval, with audience input regarding “fallen quality” and problematic ownership.
  • [35:10] Gabrius: “I think we can say quality in general has gone down. It’s not specific to just Kuma’s or Small Cheval. It’s society.”

Hot Dogs & Polish Sausage

• Dog Style: Depression-dog — mustard, relish, onions, sport peppers, topped with fries.

• Eating Logistics:

  • [69:41] Weiger: “I get the fries on top, and I’m like, I don’t really know what to do with it...It’s meant to be eaten with the dog.”
  • [70:13] Mitchell: “I want them. If they could feed it to me, I’d pay for that.”

• Sport Peppers:

  • [71:38] Mitchell: “A little spicy dog…”
  • [71:57] Gabrius: “I’ve never heard the phrase sport peppers until now. I like it.”

• Polish: Gets higher praise.

  • [77:36] Weiger: “As much as I like the hot dog, I thought the polish was even better. That was delicious.”
  • [77:44] Gabrius: “It, like, forced a better ratio...a little girthy.”

Fries

• Form Factor Discourse:
  • Panel debates preferences: McDonald’s-style fries preferred, but fondness for variety.
  • [43:05] Mitchell: “The word I used was girth, not curve...Like a thickness.”
• Taste Test:
  • Fries are controversial: Mitchell finds them a tad sweet, Wiger says they’re his favorite fries on the trip.
  • [81:28] Mitchell: “They’re a little sweet. There’s something going on there.”
  • [82:03] Weiger: “Not pandering at all...this is what I want from a fry.”

Fried Shrimp & Fish Sandwich

• Surprise Hit:
  • [62:47] Gabrius: “Shrimp were the hit.”
  • [65:06] Gabrius: “Shrimp is to Nick as fish is to Gabris.”
• Fish Sandwich:
  • Adopted as a mission from a passionate listener, Joe Chap, leading to a second trip.
  • [88:05] Weiger: “We got the Alaskan codfish sandwich and fries...It really fucking hit.”
  • [91:09] Weiger: “I think if it’s worth trying. If you haven’t.”

Drinks & Sides

• Pepsi Fountain & Regional Sodas:

  • [80:29] Gabrius: “We walk in, [Weiger] goes, all right, Pepsi.”

• Oberweis Ice Cream:

  • Adjacent to Skokie location, hilariously derailed by owner’s politics, but ice cream is praised.
  • [91:28] Mitchell: “Wait, what the...I fucking called this. I go, I can't wait till Mitch mentions this place. He's bad too. I got the Goblin Cock Milk. He's...Oh, he's a Trump guy. God damn it. The ice cream fucking rules.”

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• On Hot Dog Construction:

  • [70:58] Gabrius: “I want to do it as the chef wants me to do it...So that’s why we were all eating and looking at Jason like, are we doing it right, Daddy?”

• On Chicago’s Love for Burgers:

  • [34:18] Gabrius: “We might be in Chicago, but Chicago is in America.”

• On Ambience:

  • [53:10] Gabrius: “On the landing page of Red Hot Ranch’s website is a visibly dirty grill.”

• On Fried Shrimp:

  • [63:20] Weiger: “These, these sumbitches come in a paper bag. They’re plump as hell...”
  • [66:36] Weiger: “This could absolutely hang with an In-N-Out cheeseburger any day of the week. I mean, I loved it.”

• On Sport Peppers:

  • [74:18] Gabrius: “A little spicy for my gringo palate, but I fucking loved the snap.”

• On Audience Participation:

  • [83:13] Weiger: “So Joe Chap comes in, is like, Nick, it's Joe Chap. I was like, oh, hey, buddy. And I'm like, hey, Mitch, it's Joe Chap. He's like, oh, okay.”

• On Chicago Chain Ownership:

  • [35:21] Gabrius: “I think we can say quality in general has gone down. It's not specific to just Kuma's or Small Cheval. It's society.”

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EPISODE TIMELINE (SELECTED TIMESTAMPS)

• 00:00 - 03:21: Ads, podcast-intro, Chicago/fast-food-themed cold open
• 05:27 - 09:19: Chicago banter, Airbnb disasters, movie night, fish-sandwich giveaway
• 12:04, 13:21: Discussion of Dave Matthews Band’s “Poopgate” & funny Chicago celebrity takes
• 20:30: Classic sleepwalking/talking stories and podcaster camaraderie
• 29:29: Hot dogs vs. hamburgers debate and audience polling
• 52:58 - 54:27: Arrival at Red Hot Ranch; dirty grill discussion, ambiance
• 62:53 – 66:36: Detailed food review (burgers, shrimp, double vs. single, special sauce)
• 69:49 – 73:17: Hot dog construction, sport peppers, Polish sausage
• 80:29 – 81:10: Drinks (Pepsi fountain, Orange Crush, Dr. Pepper)
• 81:28 – 82:36: French fry debate
• 88:05 – 91:09: Fish sandwich quest and verdict
• 100:47 – 107:58: Fork (“review”) scores and Golden Plate Club induction

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RANKINGS: THE GOLDEN PLATE CLUB

All three panelists deliver enthusiastic scores:

• Nick Wiger: 5 forks (“I have a bond with [Red Hot Ranch] immediately.” 103:23)
• Jon Gabrus: 4.5 forks (“Shrimp is to Nick as fish is to Gabris – that popped me up.” 104:36)
• Mike Mitchell: 5 forks (“I think it’s my favorite meal of the entire trip. Five forks.” 107:28)

Conclusion:
Red Hot Ranch enters the hallowed Golden Plate Club.
Memorable verdicts cite the burgers, shrimp, fish sandwich, and old-school Chicago charm.

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AUDIENCE Q&A HIGHLIGHTS

• [123:03] Campbell’s Soup/Snowman Ad:

  • Q: What meal would “melt you back” (warm your heart/body)?
  • A: Wiger: hot fudge sundae; Gabrus: an adult joke about “eating pussy”; Mitchell: “I’d eat a sport pepper, baby.”

• [127:10] Deep Dish vs. Stuffed Pizza:

  • Stuffed pizza is denser, with a thin crust and layers of cheese/sausage—audience discussion reveals lots of regional Chicago pizza knowledge.

• [131:21] Mike Ditka vs. Santa - Who is More Famous?:

  • Classic Chicago trivia. Santa wins.

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TONE & ATMOSPHERE

• Liberally seasoned with self-deprecation, affectionate jabs at Chicago institutions (and audience), and the kind of surreal runner jokes (sleep issues, bathroom stories, political owners, “sport peppers”) that mark a classic Doughboys live episode.
• The trio veers into tangents about growing up, regional quirks, food consistency, and the heartbreak of problematic business owners.
• Audience is boisterous and invested, especially in defending local favorites, food preferences, and calling out “bad” takes.

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CONCLUSION

Red Hot Ranch — despite its “grimy” appearance, confusing hot dog nomenclature, and low-key ambiance — is declared a Chicago essential by the Doughboys and Jon Gabrus, especially for its spectacular roadside-style burger, crispy fries, fried shrimp, and surprisingly excellent fish sandwich.
The live show captures the unique beauty of the Doughboys: passionate, ridiculous, community-driven, and reliably off-the-cuff.

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Recommended Segments:

• [62:53 – 66:36]: In-depth food order & review
• [79:02 – 80:00]: Burger vs. Hot dog verdict & nomenclature discussion
• [103:23 – 107:58]: Final scores and Golden Plate Club induction
• [123:03 – 126:32]: Audience Q&A: The “Snowman Melting” question (goofy, classic Doughboys)

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“Red Hot Ranch to me is what AWA is to Pandorans. I feel like I have a bond with it immediately.”
— Nick Weiger [103:23]

Transcript

[Mike Mitchell]

This is a Headgun podcast. Want to watch this episode? Check it out on our YouTube channel by going to YouTube.com doughboysmedia this episode

[Nick Weiger]

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[Mike Mitchell]

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[Nick Weiger]

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[Mike Mitchell]

I know that. Or your high maintenance group chat. I know that as well. It's called the Doughboys group chat. You can find exactly what you're booking for.

[Nick Weiger]

Mitch, you and I travel a lot together.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's true touring.

[Nick Weiger]

And we found that we have some particular needs for ourselves and for our staff who makes the show possible.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's right.

[Nick Weiger]

W what we're always looking for is a big kitchen. We're always looking for places where you can prepare food at the place. We always want nice bathrooms.

[Mike Mitchell]

We want big old bathrooms.

[Nick Weiger]

And we want a nice TV so we can watch evening movies. And if we can find our Perfect stay on booking.com, anyone can.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's right. Wise find exactly what you're booking for. Booking.com booking. Yeah. Book today on the site or in the app. Do it. What's up everybody? It's your boy, the spoon man. I want to tell you about a hilarious podcast from Canada, eh North of the border. It's called Evil Men, hosted by comedians Chris Locke, James Hartnett and Michael Balazzo. And every episode, these three idiots pick an evil man from history, pop culture or fiction and try to figure out what made them so damn bad, all while cracking each other the hell up. Along the way, you'll hear genuinely fascinating stories and bizarre historical details explained by three guys who. Who absolutely should not be considered experts. Sounds familiar. Sounds a little like the Doughboys. We're not experts. We are horrible at knowing anything about fast food, even after 10 years. So these guys are right up my alley. Then at the end of the episode, they summon the evil meter to score their subject from 0 to 10 on the world renowned Urkel to Hitler scale, which is such a great scale. Urkel being the absolute good, Hitler being the absolute bad. I wonder where the devil himself ranks in there. Or say, Dr. Evil. Maybe they've ranked Dr. Evil. I haven't listened to that episode yet, but if they did, I'm listening. So if you like comedy, dark tales and hearing three Canadian maniacs spiral into stupidity while discussing dictators, cult leaders, and creeps. Check out Evil Men. New episodes are released every Thursday on the Sonar Network and wherever you get your podcasts. Do it.

[Nick Weiger]

For 50 years, the west coast chain In N Out Burger was fixed in its home territory of Southern California. But in 1992, the family owned burger shop finally branched out of state with its first location in Las Vegas, Nevada. And its LA to Vegas expansion would prove impactful for the culinary culture of a third city, the Midwest metropolis of Chicago. For it was a visit to the Vegas In N Out that inspired Wieners Circle founders Barry Nemero and Jeff Greenfield to enter the Burger Circle as the new year turned over to 2005. Chicago was still reeling from the events of August 8, 2004, When the Dave Matthews Band's bus dumped liquid human waste onto a boat full of unwitting passengers on a Chicago architecture tour, drenching them with Carter Beaufort's urine and Boyd Tinsley's turds. The incident stained the band's reputation, the city's character and the victim's clothing. Thankfully for scarred Chicagoans eager to turn the page on this civic tragedy later in 2005, Nemero and Greenfield open a new restaurant featuring a throwback depression dog, followed by an In N Out inspired Double Double clone. Today, a plaque commemorates the infamous DMB BM incident, colloquially known as Poop Gate. And the Wieners Circle spinoff has become a new Chicago institution with four locations. As Red Hot in popularity as its name implies, this this week on Doughboys, Red Hot Ranch.

[Mike Mitchell]

Go with the Dodo boys.

[Nick Weiger]

What's up chicago? Wow. I'm Tiger Weiger.

[Gabrius]

How you doing tonight?

[Nick Weiger]

We got a great show. But first let me introduce my co host, Da Stairs. The spoon man, Mike Mitchell.

[Mike Mitchell]

What's up? What's up chicago? Stuff. Stairs.

[Nick Weiger]

Pretty good fun.

[Mike Mitchell]

That was pretty good. That was good. What's up Chicago? My kind of town. Wigs.

[Nick Weiger]

Welcome to Chicago.

[Mike Mitchell]

Looking for slobs like me.

[Nick Weiger]

Looking forward to seeing you at the show Thursday night. Barnaloid. Is Barnaloid here? What's up, Baroid?

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, I love it. Good job.

[Nick Weiger]

Well played. Roasted. Perfect dot com. Mitch, we have stairs in our Airbnb.

[Mike Mitchell]

The person you're with, I don't know if it's significant or they're so proudly pointing down at you. Wait, what are you saying?

[Nick Weiger]

We have stairs in our Airbnb.

[Mike Mitchell]

We got a lot of stairs.

[Nick Weiger]

A little taste of home. I fell down the stairs last night.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, my God.

[Gabrius]

What happened?

[Nick Weiger]

You witnessed it and you laughed.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, yeah. It was good. It was. I thought you meant Like, I thought you meant you had a full tumble.

[Nick Weiger]

No, just a couple of stairs.

[Mike Mitchell]

We. We turned off the lights. We watched Minority Report last.

[Nick Weiger]

Watched it in full. What a. What a picture.

[Mike Mitchell]

What a great movie.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

Amelia had never seen it before.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, that was fun.

[Mike Mitchell]

And we turned off the lights, and I was. Like, I said before. You did. I said, he's definitely going to fall at some point.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

And then you came back with, like, two glasses of wine in your hand, and you didn't even miss the last stair. You missed the last two stairs.

[Nick Weiger]

I did.

[Gabrius]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

And you almost went down hard. And then I think that they were like, all right, we got it. We have a. We have a fix to this. And Amelia put the game board. Sorry. At the bottom of the stairs, which I don't think was. I think that was just gonna. I don't think that was gonna be helpful.

[Nick Weiger]

Like, it was intended as a visual cue of, like, this is where your landing point is, because it was very dark with a TV viewing, you know, lighting, and so, like, it was just hard to see how many stairs were even there. Yeah, I know.

[Mike Mitchell]

Everyone else got it anyway.

[Nick Weiger]

I'm fine.

[Mike Mitchell]

The stairs are helpful for the cockroaches. We got some cockroaches.

[Nick Weiger]

We did get some. We did do it with some cockroaches and.

[Mike Mitchell]

And other bugs.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

We got to bring in some spiders tonight. I was going to remind you.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah. The spiders will take out the roaches.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, that would be helpful.

[Nick Weiger]

Then we'll bring in some rats to take out the spiders, some raccoons to take out the rats. It's going to be fine.

[Mike Mitchell]

How you doing, Wygs?

[Nick Weiger]

I'm hanging in there.

[Mike Mitchell]

We're getting into the single digis.

[Nick Weiger]

We're getting into the single diggies. It would be better show if we waited to do this. So we got into Red Hot Ranch, but these things are decaying by the minute. We have some surplus fish sandwiches from Red Hot Ranch, courtesy of Matt Burko. We have four of them. So there's a quartet of people who really want them. Amelia's gonna hand them out. Who wants a fish sandwich?

[Mike Mitchell]

Who wants a fish sandwich?

[Nick Weiger]

See right there in the front row? See back there?

[Mike Mitchell]

This guy right here? First to see his hand up. All right, this guy and his significant other pointing at him, too, that he wants one. If you hadn't had the fish sandwich. All right, I see it. I see it. There's.

[Nick Weiger]

The first hand I saw was right there in the center.

[Mike Mitchell]

I see this lady here raising her hand. Where the hell Are you going right here in the middle?

[Nick Weiger]

Raise your hand one more time in the middle. Okay. All right. Sorry. Oh, well.

[Mike Mitchell]

Sorry you got fucked. Amelia fucked you. You promised one. How the. How did that happen?

[Nick Weiger]

When did this transaction take place?

[Mike Mitchell]

Well, who would have thunk that? More hands up than we thought. The Doughboys live show. I didn't want to fish 100 hands. I am Spartacus. Moment. Our.

[Nick Weiger]

But our buddy Matt Burko. Burko. Popcorn. Brought his popcorn here. Chicago original. And also brought some fish sandwiches, which was very nice.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yes. Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

Evan and Amelia got to try one.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you, Matt. That was very sweet of you. Where the hell are you? There he is.

[Nick Weiger]

Thank you. Thanks, buddy.

[Mike Mitchell]

The cockroaches are cold. It's so cold out there. Wise. They got to come inside.

[Nick Weiger]

It really is.

[Mike Mitchell]

We shouldn't tell. These never went to our house. So they were not near the cockroaches. Just to be clear. How you feeling? I feel very sick.

[Nick Weiger]

I feel. Yeah. You know, this is, I guess, night three for us in Chicago. Night two of shows. Who was here last night. Okay. Thank you for coming back.

[Mike Mitchell]

All right.

[Nick Weiger]

Sorry.

[Mike Mitchell]

A lot of. I took a. I took a Pepto Bismol on the. I went over. I had some stomach issues when I. When we.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

Coming out here. And I took Pepto Bismol on the plane. And then I revealed to you today that I haven't had a movement since then.

[Nick Weiger]

Yes.

[Mike Mitchell]

And you were like, that's not good.

[Nick Weiger]

Like a composer with writer's block.

[Mike Mitchell]

And then you told me, I have faith in you. You said this. You're like, I did. You said, I have faith in you that it's gonna happen today. And it did. Wygs. And I told you it looked like a Brookie.

[Nick Weiger]

It looked like a Brookie. Which I think we settled was like, maybe about a 3 on the Bristol stool scale.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. We were trying to figure it out.

[Nick Weiger]

We were trying to figure it out. What's the math, Brookie? To deterred it was.

[Mike Mitchell]

It didn't look good. Also, by the way, speaking of to get into turds a little bit. Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

You should be. Let's get into it.

[Mike Mitchell]

You should be so happy that you have Dave Matthews. I just have to say you should embrace that more than any. Now he's a part of your city. It's a cool thing to have happen. What do you. Kanye West. Who else do you guys have? Who are the other Chicago people? I mean, there's. I know there's many others besides Kanye west, but you should embrace Dave Matthews, he's a good man. For crying out loud. They just let the shit out on a bridge. Who cares? It got tourists. You hate tourists, don't you hate tourists?

[Nick Weiger]

The only person who was found responsible. The only person who was found responsible was the driver. So the DMV was cleared of the incident.

[Mike Mitchell]

They were clear to the incident. And I told you that. Look, there's some more stuff. It's kind of. I get a little conspiracy theory about it. I heard it's the warm up band. I'm not gonna get into it.

[Nick Weiger]

You heard there was a second. You know, speaking of Pratt Falls, when we were in Chicago for the first time. God, when was that? 2017. Was anyone here? At our very first Chicago show,

[Mike Mitchell]

We

[Nick Weiger]

did Portillo's and we did Lou Malnati's, I Believe on that swing.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yes.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, we did two shows in one night. After the second show, Christine Nangle and someone who's gonna be out here very soon were our guests. And I was walking off stage. I had my laptop, I was holding it in front of me and fell down the stairs there. And fully face planted. And an audience member who saw it. Cause people were trickling out. But some people saw it. An audience member who saw it was so like, you know, scarred by it that he DMed me to make sure it was okay, which was nice. I was fine.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, we don't have you move as much now in shows. We get you in your seat and you're good to go.

[Nick Weiger]

A listener remote diagnosed me in the comments with hypermobility spectrum disorder, which I didn't know was a thing, but. Ok. Okay, I'll take it.

[Mike Mitchell]

You're getting diagnosed from the audience.

[Nick Weiger]

Someone knows someone in the comments, our patreon said. I said, why? It sounds like why. You're as. Hypermobility spectrum disorder. I haven't heard of it. Emma told me about it as well.

[Mike Mitchell]

Congratulations.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, thanks. It's honestly kind of a compliment. Sounds pretty good.

[Mike Mitchell]

I've been waking up every day. I'm actually. This is something you're probably used to, but yeah, I've been waking up to the sound of children screaming every morning.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay,

[Mike Mitchell]

we're next to a school.

[Nick Weiger]

We're next to a school.

[Mike Mitchell]

So I woke up and I told you this morning there was a Weiger or Mitch type kid that I woke up to this kid going, get the fuck off me. Made me laugh quite a bit.

[Nick Weiger]

Future podcasters of America.

[Mike Mitchell]

We should. We should grab. We should. Well, we shouldn't go and grab the kid. Come here. You're gonna Be a good podcaster. Grab him and take him away. We told this story the other night, but we saved a dog. It's been a lot of interesting stuff that's been going on.

[Nick Weiger]

A lot of interesting stuff that's been going on.

[Mike Mitchell]

We saved a dog named Murphy. No big deal. We saved the dog.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

We should get our guest out here, right?

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, but you have a thing. You do.

[Mike Mitchell]

I do the drop before he comes out.

[Nick Weiger]

You do? You've always.

[Gabrius]

Pretty good.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's an interesting choice. Are you okay?

[Gabrius]

Emma?

[Mike Mitchell]

Hit him with a drop.

[Nick Weiger]

Take me out to the ball game

[Mike Mitchell]

Take me out to the doughboys Take me out to the day oh, boy Buy me some popcorn and MMs I

[Nick Weiger]

don't care if I never get thin Let me drop, drop, drop for the

[Mike Mitchell]

dough boys if they don't come and

[Nick Weiger]

make a shame for 1, 2, 3, 4. You're out of the platinum plate.

[Mike Mitchell]

Wow. We at Ducks. We do got to go to Chicago. Not in the winter time, but.

[Nick Weiger]

That's

[Mike Mitchell]

why. Didn't we? We should have listened to that drop before we came. Do we? Did we? Well, you know what? We can find out right now. Hello, Mitch, Tiger Weger, Emma, Amelia and dk. Welcome to Chicago. We're sorry about the weather and for the Bears loss on Sunday night. Oh, Jesus. The vibes are off. Well, they're even more off now we're here. Is this is us coming worse than the Bears loss?

[Gabrius]

I can't tell.

[Mike Mitchell]

This drop includes vocals from me, Chicago Leah. Wow.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow.

[Mike Mitchell]

Dose Cord members Lieutenant Tickles in BW and Sheila Carty from Nighttime Foam Corner.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow.

[Mike Mitchell]

Please come back this summer and we'll take you out to a real ball game. What do you think of that, Wise?

[Nick Weiger]

How fun is that? I'd love to go to one of the Chicago sports arenas, one of the famed venues here.

[Mike Mitchell]

Sounds like you're very excited for it.

[Gabrius]

I would.

[Nick Weiger]

Wrigley Field, wherever the White Sox play. Soldier Field. And of course, your Chicago Bulls. Where do they play? What's their stadium now?

[Mike Mitchell]

Is it the United Center? I think it might be.

[Nick Weiger]

Is it the United Center?

[Mike Mitchell]

Leah. AKA Chicago Leah and the Dose Gordon. Chicago Leah is here. Thank you, Chicago Leah.

[Nick Weiger]

Thanks, Chicago leah.

[Mike Mitchell]

Good job.

[Nick Weiger]

Dropshirdfuck.com our guest. Are y' all ready for him?

[Mike Mitchell]

You're gonna laugh.

[Nick Weiger]

We sure are. From action, boys. And staying alive, our good friend John Gab.

[Gabrius]

And I'm cruising through Black Island Sound. I haven't seen you since this morning, Mitch. When I rolled over and said, get the fuck off of me.

[Nick Weiger]

We do you Had a little bit of an audio incident of your own while you were sleeping.

[Gabrius]

Oh, my God. Yeah. At like 6 in the morning, I heard what sounded like someone dragging something through the house that we're staying in. And then I thought, oh, maybe that's the sound of someone scraping the ice off their car. And then I'm like. Or Mitch is like up lumbering around, scratching his back on like the house foundation or something like that. And then I swear to God, I hear Mitch's voice go. Oh, and Mitch. I hear Mitch doing a voice saying,

[Mike Mitchell]

I gotta get shumped.

[Gabrius]

And sweet. I swear to God. I swear on my dad's shallow grave.

[Mike Mitchell]

Why is it shallow?

[Gabrius]

Cause he's calming back.

[Mike Mitchell]

Look, I will say this, that when you had food orders, all I did say was, can we get honey?

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I haven't touched the honey yet, but it is very bear like. But I did not. I did not wake up. I did not try to get some. I didn't try to get anything sweet from the house. I woke up at about 4am but here's the issue. I can't. I have a CPAP mask. Yeah. Strapped to my face. So I couldn't have been the.

[Gabrius]

It's green with like a big yellow hat and you dance to the rumba beat.

[Nick Weiger]

Does it fully cover your. Like your mouth or is it just one of those ones that goes over your nose?

[Mike Mitchell]

Come in. Take a peek tonight.

[Gabrius]

All right.

[Mike Mitchell]

Peeking aloud.

[Gabrius]

Me and Nick go in there and look. And it looks like Darth Vader with the mask off. Completely bald, gray ET.

[Mike Mitchell]

So I can't. I did wake up at.

[Nick Weiger]

Around.

[Mike Mitchell]

I did not have my. I fell asleep in my bed and without my CPAP mask until about 4am and then I woke up at. Put it on.

[Gabrius]

Maybe you were saying, let me get some sweet air.

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, could have been that.

[Gabrius]

I'm so tired of having multiple death episodes throughout the evening.

[Mike Mitchell]

I turned on the. I turned on the tv. I. So maybe it was something on the tv. I don't have no idea.

[Gabrius]

I have no idea.

[Nick Weiger]

Could have been that. I mean, you don't talk in your sleep. You were saying?

[Mike Mitchell]

I. I don't.

[Nick Weiger]

I will sometimes talk in my sleep.

[Mike Mitchell]

So Nick, his room is connected to Gabri's.

[Nick Weiger]

That's right. I'm a partner.

[Gabrius]

As requested. We wanted a way to be able to just get into each other's rooms without anyone else seeing where we're going. And Weiker talks in his sleep to us more than he talks to us throughout the day. Hi. I've Never connected more with Nick while he's asleep and I'm just answering his questions. Ah, that's interesting, buddy.

[Mike Mitchell]

When we left the house just a moment ago, Gabris and I were in the Uber, and I said to Gabrius, I said, hey, did you bring the fridge?

[Gabrius]

And I, like, felt like I was like, what am I in charge of here?

[Mike Mitchell]

I meant the keys. Confused. Keys for fridge.

[Gabrius]

Even the Uber driver who's like, English was like his third language was like. I was like, I know. It's only night two of four. We'll be fine.

[Nick Weiger]

How did your brain get there?

[Mike Mitchell]

I don't know, Nick. It's a crazy town. We're in here, we're eating a lot of heavy food.

[Gabrius]

I think it's the only cold experience, you know, is also being in front of the fridge. Or what if we were like, did you bring the fridge? And William Refrigerator Perry leaned forward and said, yeah, I'm here, man.

[Mike Mitchell]

Man, what a fucking guest spot that would be. Is he dead? Oh, very scary. Oh, no, he's alive. All right. Hell, yeah.

[Gabrius]

You guys decide amongst yourselves. This audience is always so authoritarian. If you're like, we had this burger place. They're like, you fucking chose wrong, you assholes. Then you're like, is this person from your city alive or dead? Everyone's like, ugh, I'm only really loud when it's opinion based on when I can't get fact checked.

[Nick Weiger]

Last night, we watched Minority Report in full, as we mentioned.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yes.

[Nick Weiger]

Great movie. I really love it.

[Gabrius]

If you say in full. You mean fully nude?

[Nick Weiger]

Fully nude.

[Gabrius]

We had Emma and Amelia fill up the bathtub with goo for the three of us to lay. Murder.

[Mike Mitchell]

Fish sandwich.

[Nick Weiger]

I like that there's goo. I think it's good that the goo.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like the goo. In the movie, there's people in the audience nodding. The goo is good.

[Gabrius]

I'm a bit of a goo guy.

[Nick Weiger]

Hey, Amelia, come out of here real, real quick. Our associate producer is Amelia right now. Amelia, this was your first time watching Minority Report. What did you think?

[Mike Mitchell]

Four stars.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay.

[Gabrius]

Do you mean four generations in their letter bomb?

[Mike Mitchell]

It is letterbomb.

[Gabrius]

Letterboxd stars. 4.

[Mike Mitchell]

It was really good. Our TV was really tiny, though, so I could bear.

[Nick Weiger]

I was asking them questions the entire time. I had no idea what was going on, but it was great.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. The questions that would be answered within the next sentence. Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

I would say, make an observation.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm like, what's going on here? And they're like, just. Just wait.

[Nick Weiger]

Just wait.

[Mike Mitchell]

And then within, like, Two seconds it was answered already.

[Nick Weiger]

It was like you hadn't watched a movie.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

They're setting something up, but I don't quite know what's going on. Yeah, there's something of a mystery in this movie.

[Mike Mitchell]

Let me just say that when the. When that wooden ball showed up and it was Tom Cruise's name on it, your jaw fucking hit the floor.

[Nick Weiger]

It hit the fucking floor.

[Mike Mitchell]

Also, it should be five stars. Get the fuck off stage.

[Nick Weiger]

Thanks, Amelia.

[Gabrius]

We made the joke yesterday that when you watch a movie with someone and you want them to like it, you kind of watch it through their eyes and stare at them. And yesterday, I could tell how frustrated Mitch was getting with Emilia's confusion, where she's like, wait a minute. So what they're doing is pretty much gonna lead them directly to the crime. And you're like, that's the premise of the movie. And then poor Amelia's watching this movie with three older, three uncles, and Mitch just keeps going, did you hear that? You hear that?

[Mike Mitchell]

That's good information to hear. I was trying to make sure she heard it.

[Gabrius]

At one point, Amelia was on her phone doing work for doughboys, and we were all like, get off your fucking phone.

[Mike Mitchell]

I told her, I said, give me your phone. I was like, I can't do that. I can't make Amelia give me her phone.

[Gabrius]

What's your password?

[Mike Mitchell]

And then when. When Tom Cruise goes into the. Into. Into the bedroom where the. Where his son is, there's pictures of his.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, that son.

[Mike Mitchell]

I looked over her at Amelia and we fist bumped, and she went, let's fucking go.

[Nick Weiger]

Colin Farrell's like an orgy of evidence. There's a very similar beat to something that happens in LA Confidential in that, in terms of.

[Mike Mitchell]

Guess what? We're watching LA Confidential tonight.

[Nick Weiger]

That's right.

[Gabrius]

Well, we're watching Amelia watch LA Confidential tonight.

[Nick Weiger]

In a remarkable coincidence, we're watching Minority Report. We were planning to watch Minority Report. And I'm up in the attic, where I'm staying, sleeping on a couch.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's true.

[Gabrius]

Well, it's a complicated setup, but Weger put himself in the attic, which is a living room and has no attached bathroom. Mitch and I are on the next floor, each with our own attached bath. Mitch has used my toilet and shower three times. He has a shower and toilet attached to his room. He keeps coming in and trying to shit in my bathroom.

[Mike Mitchell]

I haven't.

[Gabrius]

I'm giving shit. And I was like, but you were in here. Isn't that enough?

[Mike Mitchell]

He's got a bidet I like it.

[Gabrius]

You made such a big show of giving me the primary bedroom. You're like, you're our guest. You should have this. And I'm like, all I want is a private bathroom space. I don't care about anything else. And you were like, you should have this. You're the guest. Hey, are you still showering in there?

[Mike Mitchell]

I walked in on you taking a piss your first time in the bathroom.

[Gabrius]

Well, because I didn't think I had to shut my bathroom door in my en suite bathroom. I didn't expect one of the other residents of the house to walk in going, oh, hey, hey, you're pissing.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's got a cool shower that has like an elephant wash. You know, the things that shoot from the wall and it's fun. You're in there, you know, you're getting. You're getting an elephant wash from each side.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. I get down on the ground and get into a Belgian oyster where you get both ankles behind your head and I kind of just fucking go around like a little clam shell.

[Mike Mitchell]

You help. You came in and you washed me off of the broom when I was in there. Why?

[Gabrius]

I put a whole fish in your mouth and rubbed your neck.

[Mike Mitchell]

Why? You have no real bathroom. You're upstairs in the attic like you said. Yeah. What you did, you chose the attic.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Gabrius]

Well, this is why we have the linked bedrooms. So he can snake his huge hog in through the and I can run it into the bathroom, like filling up an above ground pool. Oh, pools are things that you could swim in when the weather is normal.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like that you're up there in the attic, but is there a reason that you wear the phantom mask while you're up there?

[Nick Weiger]

I'm up there in the attic. We're just about to watch Minority Report. I look over, glance over at, like, the. Some of the books that are there. What do I see but Tom Cruise. All the world's a stage.

[Gabrius]

That's right. Tom Cruise's biography. Autobiography.

[Nick Weiger]

No, it's a biography by Ian Johnstone. But yeah, I was like, how about that? A Tom Cruise book.

[Mike Mitchell]

When I left you last night, the movie was over. It was 2am very late for y was just on the couch looking at that book.

[Nick Weiger]

I was looking for passages on Minority Report, and unfortunately, there's nothing particularly illuminating.

[Gabrius]

He read it like Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.

[Nick Weiger]

But I thought this Airbnb tome might have a new home here at the Den.

[Mike Mitchell]

You can't do that. We need to get that back.

[Gabrius]

It specifically says in The Airbnb instructions that you have to wash the floors before you leave and make sure all the Tom Cruise books are placed packed where they want.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm being a nerd.

[Gabrius]

No, this is the Airbnb people.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, God.

[Gabrius]

Cause they're fucking strict as fuck over at. What if I said the address?

[Nick Weiger]

Don't do it.

[Mike Mitchell]

You. Someone would show up, you sick fucks.

[Gabrius]

Em.

[Mike Mitchell]

And Amelia will protect us.

[Gabrius]

We make Amelia sleep in front of the front door, so if someone breaks in, it'll wake her up. She has a little dog bed. We fly with it.

[Nick Weiger]

For audio listeners, this is the second night of the Den Theater, which has been a lovely venue. Everyone's been given to us. What a great spot. But there are these bookshelves full of volumes and knickknacks that are to either side of us on stage.

[Gabrius]

It's to give that juxtaposition of highbrow and whatever the fuck. This podcast is the opposite of books. We eat garbage and then talk about it.

[Nick Weiger]

That leads me to my next question. Hot dogs versus hamburgers. Cause I really thought this was going to be more of a hot dog experience, but it's just as much, if anything, a hamburger.

[Mike Mitchell]

We've been burged out this entire trip. So far. We've had. I mean, we've had a couple dogs, but it's burger heavy so far.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, we rescued a few dogs.

[Mike Mitchell]

We did.

[Gabrius]

We've eaten a few. They're rescuing the dogs. They're eating the dogs and the bergs.

[Nick Weiger]

Where I, like, I look, I'm the Burger boy. I love hamburgers. But I also love myself a hot dog. Mitch.

[Mike Mitchell]

Where, like, Weger didn't save the dog, by the way. He wasn't there.

[Nick Weiger]

I wasn't there.

[Mike Mitchell]

No.

[Gabrius]

I had to find text that said, leave it.

[Nick Weiger]

I, like, I live in Southern California my entire life. I'm not prepared for cold weather. I criminally underpacked, so I had to go to, like, the fucking Burton and try to get some cold weather gear. I got some gloves and some socks. I'm doing a little bit better.

[Gabrius]

Sent a text the day before our flight and going like, is everyone bringing jackets? Or something like that? Something, you know, when your smartest friend, you start to go like, wait a minute, has he been tricking me for all these years? And then Emma's like, yeah, dude, it's like one degree there right now. And Weger's like, for real. I was like, it's January, dog. And I'm like, I'm reading these texts and I'm at Home panicked. Cause I'm wearing my one sweater. I own one pair of pants. And I'm like, fuck, what am I gonna pack? And I'm like, all right. I'll be doing much better than fucking tiger Y, girl.

[Mike Mitchell]

We asked you what you were bringing. You said a sweatshirt and genital mittens.

[Nick Weiger]

Where do you stand on a hot dog versus hamburger?

[Mike Mitchell]

Hmm? Okay.

[Gabrius]

Marry, kill, hot dog, hamburger Me.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm marrying you or I'm fucking you. Well, I'm killing you. Hold on.

[Gabrius]

I think if you fuck me, I'll die. Cause I'll kill myself. Cause I'll be at the highest point I could ever be in having just fucked my second favorite, doughboy.

[Mike Mitchell]

Knick's number one.

[Gabrius]

I was counting myself. Bergs versus dogs? Answer the fucking question. Rolo Tomasti.

[Mike Mitchell]

Fuck yeah, dog. It's from LA Confidential. We're gonna look at each other and look at Amelia when it's said tonight.

[Gabrius]

Amelia, wake up. You missed it. Wake up.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm looking for something sweet. I did not say that. I turned on the T. I turned on the. I turned on Fox news at about 4:30am heard about J.D. vance's new son on the way.

[Gabrius]

Please name him Michael.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I had the TV on for 30 minutes. So there maybe was an ad where some guy was looking for something sweet. I have no idea. But I did not go. I was not near your room saying, I need something sweet.

[Nick Weiger]

You were. You were eating something sweet, though, while we were watching that movie Shit.

[Mike Mitchell]

I had. I had those Sour Patch strawberries and I was going to fucking town on those.

[Gabrius]

Yes. Yeah. It was a real fun juxtaposition as weger ate actual strawberries, going, these strawberries are delicious. And me and Mitch are like, so are these.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's not. That is very true.

[Gabrius]

And we took a bag of Mambos to the dome.

[Mike Mitchell]

Mambas Mamas. Whoa.

[Gabrius]

Holy. How off I was.

[Nick Weiger]

No, think, think. Kobe, not Lu bega.

[Mike Mitchell]

He's right.

[Gabrius]

That's what I do when I'm trying not to come. She's Kobe, not lubega. Kobe, not. L got a little bit of Monica on my mind. So hamburgers versus hot dogs. See, I could be Weiger and Mitch.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm enjoying. I'm having a good time watching you. I. I gotta go. I gotta go. Burgers wise. I'm a bur. I'm sorry.

[Nick Weiger]

That's fine. You don't even apologize anymore.

[Gabrius]

The biggest shit ever is, hey, tell us your opinion the second you say a harmless thing. I'm sorry. If you want me to Eat a hot dog. I promise I will.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's a dog town here. It is, right?

[Nick Weiger]

It is. But I think. I mean, I think they. People love a hamburger here. People eat a damn cheeseburger.

[Gabrius]

We might be in Chicago, but Chicago is in America,

[Mike Mitchell]

the first. One of the first big burgers. I think that they might be. People don't like them anymore. I think Kuma's Corner is where I went when I first.

[Nick Weiger]

What happened?

[Mike Mitchell]

What happened? What do they do? The quality went down.

[Nick Weiger]

Quality went down. What's that tail as old as time?

[Mike Mitchell]

Canceled.

[Nick Weiger]

It got canceled. Oh, bad owner.

[Mike Mitchell]

Okay. Owner's maga.

[Gabrius]

Hey, separate the art from the artist. Woody Allen makes a hell of a carbonara, By the way. A recurring theme we hear from the audience and from people in general is like, oh, that place sucks. The quality went down.

[Nick Weiger]

Yes.

[Gabrius]

I think we can say quality in general has gone down. It's not specific to just Kumas or small Cheval. It's society.

[Nick Weiger]

It's everything.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, wait. The owner that has a burger called Goblincock, he's a little problematic. Fucking edgelord. Anyways. And you know what? I never really liked Kuma's Corner. I didn't think it was that good.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[Mike Mitchell]

Look, I like his politics.

[Gabrius]

You're like Tony hawk pulling this 180.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm saying the first, like, famous burger place I went to was Kuma's Corner

[Nick Weiger]

and something called the Goblin Cock.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, there was a Goblin Cock burger. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

Okay. And is it still canceled? Cause me gusta los cox de goblinos. Is it G, O, B, B, L, I, N, apostrophe, like it's the gerund of goblin cocks. Or is it like the little Orc kind creature? Goblin. Like a. I think it is.

[Mike Mitchell]

I think it's a goblin. Cause it's all named after bands, right? Isn't that. Isn't that. There's a band called Goblin Cock.

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, okay.

[Gabrius]

There's a band called Goblin Cock.

[Mike Mitchell]

I think so.

[Gabrius]

I gotta see these guys. Two tickets for Goblincock. Brother, I don't think you know what you just ordered.

[Mike Mitchell]

I always thought it was a little overrated, but I will say we had Small Cheval last night. I liked Small Cheval.

[Nick Weiger]

I like small.

[Mike Mitchell]

Shall I.

[Nick Weiger]

It's a fun time.

[Mike Mitchell]

You. God damn it. I'm not gonna. I already got into this last night. You're being too mean to Small Shaval. It's good.

[Gabrius]

I think everything small is good, right? Just a. Small works.

[Mike Mitchell]

Small works.

[Gabrius]

Well, mine doesn't work either.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay, I got the Kuma. The Kuma menu here open. I thought that they were all gonna be like, you know, whatever, like the Piss Dragon. They were all gonna be kin to the Goblin guy. No, most of these are pretty innocuous. They got an Iron Maiden, a Led Zeppelin. They got a Metallica Mastodon. These are just like. I think you kind of buried the lead here. They're named after bands. They're not named after, like, disgusting, foul things.

[Gabrius]

Goblin Cock, Pig Destroyer.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, I don't see the Goblin Cock even on that. Might have been a seasonal.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's only at Christmas. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

Do you guys like this show? Hold on. Let us look up the menu for another restaurant based on one of Mitch's, like, half pandering memories. You know what place I really liked? Kevin Spacey's Spaghetti Factory.

[Mike Mitchell]

Kids eat free. It was an easy joke. I was not supposed to say it.

[Gabrius]

Swish fucking swoosh, bro. Like Pippin, my favorite bull.

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, I love Scotty Pippen.

[Gabrius]

Love Scotty Pippen.

[Nick Weiger]

He's so cool.

[Mike Mitchell]

What's going on?

[Gabrius]

If he played for a different team, he would be an absolute legend.

[Mike Mitchell]

Junior, did Pippin's son marry who's who? What happened here? Is it Pippin's ex is married to Jordan son?

[Nick Weiger]

I believe it's the yes. Yeah. Yeah. Larissa Pippen was dating one of Michael Jordan's sons for a time. I don't know if they're still together. Oh, they're not. Okay. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

Well, I guess I gotta get a new airbrushed crew neck sweatshirt. Whenever I think of the Chicago Bulls, I think of really dumb crewneck sweatshirts. Cause my grandma was like, dumb and poor and every Christmas she'd be like,

[Mike Mitchell]

be nice to her, for God's sake.

[Gabrius]

If you met this woman, you'd agree wholeheartedly, but wonderful lady. But she would get us Chicago Bulls sweats. My whole family is Knicks fans. We all live in New York. She never lived anywhere but Long Island. And it must have just been like they were $3 at the outlets. And I would have these like 5XL crew neck. No one at school, like, I couldn't wear bowls, like, and had like a drawing of Michael Jordan's like, in a big head way on it and shit. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? And my dad and mom would be like, as we opened it, they'd be behind my grandma going, don't you got, like, you act grateful? And we're all like, oh, sick. And we're like holding up this fucking long ass shirt and shit.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm Glad she's so happy she gave you that gift so she could be mocked in her death at a live food podcast.

[Gabrius]

She's here. She left Long island for the first time.

[Mike Mitchell]

The lights are flickering.

[Gabrius]

Welcome back. Welcome back, Grandma Dee.

[Mike Mitchell]

She's not in hell.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, I don't believe in either, but I don't think she's loving where she's at. So burgers versus dogs.

[Nick Weiger]

Yes. Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm a burger. I am also a burger boy.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah. I mean, I'll take a burger over, but here's the thing.

[Gabrius]

I love how burger they. Them. I'm not gonna say. I'm not gonna gender myself in this situation. I'm a freak for burgers.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's fair. I, I, I, I, I mean, pizza wins out for me overall.

[Nick Weiger]

Of course. Yeah. But here's if we're talking this binary, I, I mean, like, like, like what I like about a heated dog is that, like, you have a burger, you're kind of probably gonna stop at one, you know, Unless you're really going to gorge hot dogs. You get two or three.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

I'm saying in general, I mean.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. You know, that's. Yeah. Classic.

[Gabrius]

Hey, Siri, what is stopping at one? Seek help.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay, look, I went to McDonald's this year and got a Quarter Pounder with cheese and a side sandwich, double cheeseburger. So, like, I'm. I know the game of getting more than one burger, but I'm the burger boy. But I think hot dogs, it's more like the normal number of hot dogs I feel like, is two hot dogs.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, two.

[Nick Weiger]

I'll have more than two hot dogs.

[Gabrius]

No one ever gets one. No one gets one hot dog.

[Nick Weiger]

Like, I'm good.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. Like, unless it's like Obama pretending like he's normal.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

I'll have Dijon. Get the fuck out of here.

[Mike Mitchell]

Why is he the only president you go after?

[Gabrius]

Didn't he. Didn't he famously put gray Poupon on a hot dog?

[Mike Mitchell]

Did he really?

[Nick Weiger]

For it?

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, my God.

[Gabrius]

Oh, yeah. Chicago doesn't know about that either. But God forbid you say small cheval

[Nick Weiger]

what we're talking about.

[Mike Mitchell]

I wish I could take back my vote for him.

[Nick Weiger]

While we're talking politics, just one, Right in. In 2020. Remember, remember when Mitt Romney said, my favorite meat is hot dog?

[Mike Mitchell]

How did he not win?

[Nick Weiger]

He should have won most human thing he ever said. God bless him.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. God bless Mitt and Robin.

[Nick Weiger]

God bless him.

[Gabrius]

We didn't know how good we had it.

[Nick Weiger]

What about your ideal fries? Cause this is this place the fries are something we're gonna talk about.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, we're talking. Oh, we're talking about the fries.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, I think you're gonna like us talking about the fries.

[Mike Mitchell]

Guess what? Someone on the. On the panel doesn't like them.

[Gabrius]

Ooh.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. I didn't say who.

[Nick Weiger]

What is your. Like, what is your ideal fry construction?

[Mike Mitchell]

McDonald's.

[Nick Weiger]

No, I know, but I'm just saying,

[Gabrius]

like, what do you like better, pizza, burgers or hot dogs? Pizza. What's your idea? McDonald's. Okay.

[Nick Weiger]

Do you have a form factor? Do you have a girth? You like. Do you have a salt level? Do you like, season?

[Gabrius]

This is also what I heard from Nick. Sleep talking. Do you have a girth that you like?

[Mike Mitchell]

Do I have a curve I like with fries? I'll tell you I like.

[Nick Weiger]

The word I used was girth, not curve.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, girth.

[Nick Weiger]

Like. Like a thickness.

[Gabrius]

You know what girth is? You've heard it in reference to other people. The curse that we're so girthy around our stomachs and chest is very frustrating.

[Mike Mitchell]

Look, I like. I like. I know I said this already, but I like a McDonald's girth fry. Okay? So I like a thin, not.

[Nick Weiger]

Not quite a shoestring, but not a string, but like a normal.

[Mike Mitchell]

What people like, straight. I like. I like a. Don't give me any. I don't want a cur. You know, I don't want any of that curvature. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

You don't want like a potato wedge.

[Gabrius]

Slight bend so it hits the right spot in your mouth. Cuz you got to kind of go up and in with the fry.

[Mike Mitchell]

Jesus.

[Gabrius]

To hit the fry spot so that you could be satisfied.

[Nick Weiger]

Hell yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

He thought he made up satisfry last night. Wer thought he made up status fry. And I was like, that's a Burger King.

[Nick Weiger]

I think I made it up.

[Gabrius]

He thought he made that up. What a funny thing to say.

[Mike Mitchell]

You thought you made it up.

[Gabrius]

He thought he made up this word. And I called it out. It was actually from a commercial from 20 years ago. Got him.

[Mike Mitchell]

I can't. I can't drink Pepto Bismol. My stomach hurts so much. I haven't drank any water. So it's part of this.

[Nick Weiger]

That's the big problem. You drank water today. Gabriel said, is that the first glass of water you've had on this trip? And you said, I think so.

[Mike Mitchell]

And then immediately went to the bathroom.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah. Hydrate.

[Gabrius]

That's. I think that that's key.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, yeah, that's got the smart water

[Nick Weiger]

in front of you. Crack that bad boy open.

[Gabrius]

You.

[Mike Mitchell]

I might have rabies. I do have a very huge aversion to water. I don't know what the deal is.

[Gabrius]

You have hydrophobia.

[Mike Mitchell]

Hydrophobia.

[Gabrius]

Like Ben the chimp.

[Nick Weiger]

You're like that primate.

[Mike Mitchell]

Primate. We're talking primate.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, we're going to make Amelia watch that shit, too. For my fries. I'm kind of in the same camp as Mitch, but I do love a waffle and a crinkle. Nathan. Lot of fun kids sent me down a path of crinkle that I never thought I would stick to, you know? But I, I miss a crinkle.

[Nick Weiger]

Love a crinkle.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like all fries. I like all fries.

[Nick Weiger]

I like all fries. But I'm saying, like, if it, like, like, I, I do like steak fries, but I have to admit that I would like a thinner fry in general. I do like string fries, but I'd like, I'd like them to be, like, a little thicker. You know what I mean? Like, I kind of like, like, wanted thick fries.

[Gabrius]

Save lives, baby.

[Mike Mitchell]

I, I. Steak fry, to me, if it's, if it's crispy enough, I think is great, but they always get a bad version of. Look, I, I think that we'll get into. We'll get into the fries.

[Gabrius]

We're getting into the fries, right?

[Mike Mitchell]

We're talking about the restaurant already.

[Gabrius]

We're talking about fries.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'll get into it.

[Nick Weiger]

Also, we're talking about the restaurant already. We're 40 minutes into the show. No, it's a timer right there.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm having so much fun.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay.

[Mike Mitchell]

Hola, mi Amos. Spoon man. You know, I don't know another language. It's true. And if I learn one, I'd want it to be Spanish, because I might go to Spain in the next year or two. It's always been on my bucket list. I want to visit Spain, and I've been south of the border, and I loved it. I went to Mexico City, but I didn't know the language, and it was a little tricky traveling around. So if you're traveling this summer, here's a real travel hack. Don't wait until you land to start learning the language. Instead, try babbel. Even just 10 minutes a day with Babbel can help you start having real conversations. In as little as three weeks. Instead of memorizing random vocab, you're learning phrases you'd use ordering dinner, asking for directions, or talking with locals. You know, Weiger uses Babel. John Gabris uses Babel. I know a ton of people who use Babel. If I'm going to Spain, I'm breaking out the Babel. I'm learning Spanish before I go, or at least enough to navigate around and not look like an ugly American. You know, I don't want to look like one of those ugly Americans. And I feel like I'm going to go over there. I'm going to be an ugly American. Now what Wigs and Gabris and everyone I know who uses Babel loves about it is that it's built for real life. Not vocabularists, not verb charts, but real conversation. Practice lessons are quick, practical, and built by more than 200 language experts. They have interactive dialogue, personalized reviews, and even podcasts, all designed to get you speaking quickly and confidently. And unlike cramming before a trip, Babbel fits into your actual schedule. Your coffee breaks, your commute, or a few minutes before bed. I love that. Get a little. Get a little learning in before bed. Isn't that nice? We don't do enough learning before bed anymore. Babel's award winning app has sold over 25 million. Subscriptions is backed by 1414 day money back guarantee. If you've got summer travel coming up, now's the time to start so you can actually use what you learn on the trip. Right now, Babel is offering listeners up to 60% off. Go to babbel.com doughboys that's Babel B A B B E L.com SL doughboys for up to 60% off.

[Gabrius]

Wow.

[Mike Mitchell]

Rules and restrictions may apply. Do it. Support for today's episode comes from Square, the system powering like half the places that I go and that you go. If you've ever tapped to pay and thought, whoa, that was fast, it was probably Square. Whether you're selling lattes, cutting hair, detailing cars, or running a design studio, Square helps you run your business without running yourself into the ground. And right now, listeners can get up to $200 off square hardware when you sign up at square.coms q u a r e.com go/doughboys square.com go doughboys square is the platform behind the scenes of so many businesses you already love. This isn't just a point of sale. Square includes hardware that works in person and on the go, software for managing staff, marketing and customer insights, and banking tools like Square checking to get paid instantly. Square simplifies the messy stuff. It works for one location shops and businesses with multiple teams or service areas. Plus, it scales with you whether you're selling from a stall or expanding to storefronts. No contracts, hidden fees or complicated installs. Square offers tools that accept all major payments, including tap, Chip, Apple Pay and online. Plus it shows sales and inventory in real time across channels. You know, I just tapped to pay with Square at one of my favorite pizza shops in all of la. That's secret pizza. Love secret pizza. Go in there, tap, get a slice and have a great afternoon. So if you're starting a business or running one, that deserves better tools, Square helps you sell, manage and grow without slowing down. Right now you can get up to $200 off square hardware at square.com go/goodboys. That's s q u a r e dot com. Go slash doughboys. Run your business smarter with Square. Get started today. Do it. What's up everybody? It's your boy, the spoo man. You know, I'm a big cat guy. I love cats. I had two cats growing up. My cat Zip and my cat buster. I had zip when I was like 5 years old and she stuck around well into my 20s. Same with Buster. We got her a few years later. I loved those cats. And I love Wally and Irma so much. They're the greatest, one of the greatest things of my life. I love them. You know, just looking at Wally laying on the couch, being lazy, begging for food, you know, jumping up on, on, on places where you shouldn't go that he makes me laugh every single day. And so, so does Irma. She's the sweetest little kitty in the world. I love them both. If a genie gave me three wishes, I would use all my wishes to wish for my cats to live forever. But since genies don't exist, unfortunately, as far as I know, though, who knows they might exist? We don't really know. Instead of that, I feed my cats Smalls. Smalls is fresh human grade cat food that does so much more than just feed your cat. It helps them live a full, healthy life. Most cat food out there is made with meat byproducts, cheap fillers and artificial ingredients. Basically stuff that isn't great for your cat. Big pet food does this because it's cheaper to make. But what they save on cost your cat pays for. With their health, Smalls is different. Their fresh recipes are made with at least 80% animal protein and they're gently cooked to retain all their nutrients and flavor. They never add fillers or artificial ingredients. And their food is so healthy that 88 of cat parents say their cats have better digestion, a softer, shinier coat, and more energy to play after feeding them Smalls because it's actually good for cats. Your cat's health and longevity start with what they eat. Try smalls and get 60 off your cat's first order, plus free shipping and free treats for life. When you go to smalls.com doughboys one last time. That's 60 off your first order, plus free shipping and free treats for life when you head to smalls.com doughboys do it. I want to say this about Red Hot Ranch. I looked at the website of Red Hot Ranch, but this is on the plane. We got it. Yeah. Because we got Red Hot Ranch. The first night that we got. We got off the plane, logistically, we

[Nick Weiger]

got off at the. We were at the airport. We went from the airport to Red Hot Ranch.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yes.

[Nick Weiger]

And.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I. And I googled the menu forever to look at. And I just have to say this. And I kind of. I did. This is not a slam on Red Hot Ranch. But there's a picture of the grill on their website. And the grill is dirty.

[Nick Weiger]

Yes.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

On the landing page of Red Hot Ranch's website is a visibly dirty grill.

[Mike Mitchell]

And all of you are like, dad, it's the best restaurant in Chicago. And I. It might. I mean, I'm not saying. I'm not. It doesn't have anything to say on the time we had there, but it is a dirty.

[Gabrius]

And I go into a place underneath a train with zero seats and not thinking the grill might have a little dirt on it, but on the website,

[Mike Mitchell]

you guys, they couldn't have cleaned it up just a little bit on the website?

[Nick Weiger]

I think it's kind of endearing.

[Gabrius]

There's something about hot dogs in general, that they're like bane. They're like, made in the filth. You know, like a hot dog rises from the scum. It's pig and horse, lips and dicks and tits pressed into a fucking phallus and then cooked on fucking slime.

[Mike Mitchell]

I want to go straight to the source on that. You don't need to combine them all. I'll say this. The grill was dirty. Then we got into the restaurant and Amelia was like, the website looks so much better.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. I think Amelia said she went. She bent down to tie her shoe and noticed how dirty the floor was. But luckily we were gonna stand and eat our first meal in Chicago.

[Nick Weiger]

Look, this place. And I like a sort of trashier, cash only place, which I say, you know, with love about this place, with affection. I mean, that reminds me of like a Tommy's Burger in LA, which is like an older concept versus this place, I think is, you know, about 20 years old. Tommy has been around for decades. Well, two is a number of decades. I understand. Let's not be pedantic. Let's not be pedantic here. You know what I mean?

[Gabrius]

Robots with sniper rifles just stood up.

[Nick Weiger]

If someone said decades and it's 20 years, you'd be a little bit like, all right, I guess you're technically right. So get off my back. Anyway.

[Mike Mitchell]

Jesus. It's been over 20 years.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, like 2005. It opened originally.

[Mike Mitchell]

It seems way older than that.

[Nick Weiger]

That's what I was gonna say. It reminds me of a place like Tommy's that's been around since, like, the 50s and is, like, has the layer of grime to it, but that's part of the charm. And you go in there, you guys

[Mike Mitchell]

grimed it up fast.

[Gabrius]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

Put five or six decades worth of grime in a decade or two in Chicago restaurants.

[Nick Weiger]

Age like president,

[Gabrius]

Old as. But won't die for some reason.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah. Parody.

[Gabrius]

Parody, satire.

[Nick Weiger]

Fair use.

[Mike Mitchell]

I think you can hope for someone to die.

[Gabrius]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

But I would never do that.

[Nick Weiger]

You know?

[Mike Mitchell]

You know what I mean?

[Gabrius]

Like, I feel like.

[Nick Weiger]

I feel like there's so many towns in America that have a place akin to this, but. Yes, you're right, Mitch. It's usually a place that's been around since, like, the 50s or 60s.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yes. Yeah. It's very grimy. You know what? Kalpakis told me this. And we didn't experience this there, but. And I like this factory, especially because it was, whatever, 13 degrees when we were there, but so cold. But it's by the train. And if you sit outside, they give you earplugs to. To. So you can sit under the train and eat.

[Nick Weiger]

How fun is that?

[Gabrius]

That's really exciting.

[Nick Weiger]

Very cool.

[Mike Mitchell]

I thought it was fun, Mitch.

[Nick Weiger]

That is fun.

[Gabrius]

That is fun. I lived by the gym.

[Mike Mitchell]

I saw you take some and then just put them in. We got to the house.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, I took, like. I ate three. Like, they were pills. I didn't know what.

[Mike Mitchell]

I thought.

[Gabrius]

The guy was giving me molly, but now I need him. So I don't have to hear you creeping around, eating starburst and mumbuz in the middle of the night.

[Mike Mitchell]

What did I say? I want something sweet.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, I gotta go for something sweet. Something like that. And it was, like, in an Adam Sandler type voice, so I really thought it was.

[Mike Mitchell]

You didn't see anything, but I was.

[Gabrius]

I was visualized. And then I laid deadly still listening for, like, 10 minutes. Because I was like, someone's coming for me or something like that.

[Mike Mitchell]

He is. He's looking over your bed.

[Nick Weiger]

I'm not looking over your bed. Hold on.

[Gabrius]

This is my friend, the Slender Man, Nick. My sleep paralysis demon is Nick Weiger.

[Nick Weiger]

It's.

[Gabrius]

Good morning, buddy.

[Mike Mitchell]

Slenderman's put on some pounds.

[Nick Weiger]

It's an odd setup where the, like, attic has a slash. Living area up there has some windows that open where it can look down into the master bedroom for some reason. It's very strange.

[Gabrius]

I think we know the reason. Some people, like, they want their cuck chair to have a bird's eye view. So Weiger watches me and Mitch fuck in the kingdom. He's got a rear window to our rear windows. Emma and I went out to smoke a joint at the. At Red Hot Tavern. And we were outside, and we're like, oh, over here is perfect. And then the l came and it scared us so much, but neither of us moved or anything because we didn't know what to do. So we both. We were just in the middle of smoking. We both went and we froze like this for the duration of the train. And I'm like. I was like, why'd we both do that? Emma's like, did we think something was gonna fall on us or something? We both did not react in a good way. But we both.

[Mike Mitchell]

We told her, no weed on this trip. She's going to sleep in the dog bed tonight.

[Gabrius]

Tried to stop me too, man, but if you're going to make me eat fucking garbage for four days, I need a little performance enhancement.

[Mike Mitchell]

Well, we should say also. Well, we also. All right, well, there's a couple of things going on. We made a revisit to Red Hot Ranch. It wasn't our only trip.

[Nick Weiger]

We'll talk about it. Red Hot Ranch was by far the highest vote getter in our Chicago listener poll. It seems to use both red hot as one word and red hot as two words, which is fine. That's fine. It's cash only, which I like. And there's no seating at the Bucktown location. We went to, though, when we returned to this. We went to. We returned to Red Hot Ranch at the Skokie location today. There was seating. I've been trying to get clarity on whether or not they cook their fries in beef tallow, and I can't find a source. Some people are saying it, some people aren't. You're saying, what's that? Do you know? Someone said something and then is not. Look, what's going on? What happened?

[Mike Mitchell]

Someone Said beef towel.

[Nick Weiger]

Does anyone know what oil they're cooked in? It's not beef towel.

[Gabrius]

Okay, okay. We don't have like anything on what the oil is. We just know what it isn't. That. Yeah, okay, got it.

[Mike Mitchell]

You guys could tell by taste? Is that what you're saying?

[Gabrius]

It's a war on protein.

[Nick Weiger]

Anyway, we get in there, it's cold as. I got a basketball game playing on my phone. It's standing room only. It's. It's pretty hopping. Like people were coming in and out.

[Mike Mitchell]

Coming in there for what, a Tuesday night?

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, for Tuesday night for sure.

[Mike Mitchell]

Pretty late. Because we're like, yeah.

[Gabrius]

11:00pm oh, two young people were so stoned.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

And I heard one of them say, a burger, no tomato. Which is like, Mike. Cause I don't like tomatoes on sandwiches. It's for sauce only. And when I said, I'm like, I'm a no tomato burger guy too, like. Cause I'm high and I'm trying to connect and this like little green haired kid is like. And I'm like, oh my God, I'm bugging this fucking person out. I totally forget that. I am like, I have like undercover cop face. I'm like Serp. Fat Serpico. Maybe his name would be Syripaco.

[Nick Weiger]

Pretty good.

[Gabrius]

But I saw it. I was like. And then I was like, don't worry, kid, I'm higher than you are. And then they were like, I doubled down in a way. They like rushed out of the restaurant.

[Mike Mitchell]

He was spooked because they called his name and he just was staring dead ahead.

[Gabrius]

That's how I knew he was high with like no tomato. And I'm like, that might be me. And that kid is just like frozen.

[Mike Mitchell]

You really got to him. You spooked the hell out of him.

[Nick Weiger]

So we get in there and we go up to make our order. I believe it was Jason who helped us out, who was very friendly.

[Gabrius]

My brother.

[Mike Mitchell]

He was very friendly. It was funny because he. It was like. It was like, do you want us to all do it at once? He was like, yeah, we were going

[Nick Weiger]

to do the thing of like, hey, like Mitch goes up there and is like, hey, these are all together and we're just gonna put our individual order. But he was like, no, you got. You should all figure out your order and then bring it to me as

[Mike Mitchell]

well as the fuck off.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay. All right.

[Mike Mitchell]

We were gonna do it like one at a time. But yeah, this was probably better. We got the together.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah. So we got together, we got a game plan and we all put together what we were gonna.

[Mike Mitchell]

We're gonna order.

[Nick Weiger]

We got two of the RHR cheeseburgers. There was a one RHR just burger. Amelia got it without the cheese. Two RHR double cheeseburgers. These all come with fries for people who haven't like it. Like you order the thing and it just has and fries as an, as a default. And we also got three of the hot dogs and fries. Now the hot dogs, they are not like a classic Chicago style dog as people maybe know them. They are, I guess what's called a depression dog, which is a little bit streamlined. Mustard, relish, onion, sport peppers, and fresh cut fries which they, they top just on top. They put just on top of that bad boy. We also got a polish and fries and the piece de resistance, one pound of fried shrimp. Mitch, you were trying to talk me down to a half pound.

[Mike Mitchell]

I was like, are you sure we don't just need a half pound? He was like, nah, we're getting a pound shrimp.

[Gabrius]

Shrimp were the hit.

[Nick Weiger]

The shrimp were so good.

[Gabrius]

We were jamming it down. Pass me the cocktail sauce, which tastes

[Mike Mitchell]

like barbecue sauce, kind of a barbecuey

[Nick Weiger]

cocktail sauce was interesting.

[Gabrius]

I came around to it. I liked it. I ended up liking because with the, because I, I'm not always a fried shrimp in cocktail sauce person. It does feel more like a shrimp cocktail kind of vibe.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

But with the fry on it. Having that little bit of barbecue really hit like in the. Gets you into like a seafood shellfish tender territory.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yes. That was jazz right there. Right?

[Nick Weiger]

These, these some bitches come in a, in a paper bag. They're plump as hell and they are.

[Mike Mitchell]

I didn't think that you would want a pound of fried shrimp at 11pm

[Gabrius]

we had a party. We had a party of five.

[Mike Mitchell]

I know, I know you two, you took out a good half pound of that bad boy.

[Nick Weiger]

I took care of a lot of shrimp.

[Mike Mitchell]

You did.

[Nick Weiger]

But also, I know Amelia always rolls the dice on, on fish, so. And I, I don't, I don't know. I figured like I'd heard they were good and you know what, they absolutely delivered. But like they're big as hell and then they are like I. At least the way are the execution that we got was, was fried pretty well done. Like they had a deep like a really like, you know, on an eyeballing,

[Gabrius]

I was a little let down.

[Nick Weiger]

Right, right, right.

[Gabrius]

It was, but then it really worked.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

When it's that fried too, you can like eat shell and tail and it doesn't really hurt. You know. Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

Was there shell and tail on it?

[Gabrius]

I have no idea that my stomach

[Mike Mitchell]

is hurting so bad.

[Gabrius]

Shrimp tails are good for you.

[Nick Weiger]

I love those. Let's talk about the burgers. Wow.

[Gabrius]

Oh, kick it off there. I'm thinking this, this restaurant. I'm going to keep using the word restaurant for some reason. It has a picture of a hot dog on the outside. It's got hot dog everything. And then I go and I get this. I'm like, oh, I'll get this rhr burger, no tomato. The fucking thing impressed the hell out of me.

[Mike Mitchell]

It was good.

[Gabrius]

I'm thinking I'm getting a hot dog place. And then I'm like, well, I might, because the burger at Nathan's, which is in my mind the like first hot dog place I ever went to. Like, the burger out there is pretty solid. But not. This burger is like, you know, elevated burger chain level. You know, like we have like a dozen of them in la. Not to be a coastal elite, but I am. And so this burger, like, can hang with any of the fucking big boys.

[Nick Weiger]

No, for sure. And look, I've crushed dozens, if not hundreds. It's gotta be hundreds of in n out burgers over the course of my life.

[Mike Mitchell]

What the fuck are you talking about?

[Nick Weiger]

I'm just trying to do the math.

[Mike Mitchell]

Is your favorite restaurant dozens?

[Nick Weiger]

It's gotta be hundreds. It's gotta be hundreds.

[Gabrius]

We know how he feels. Cause hundreds, it can't just mean 200.

[Nick Weiger]

Right?

[Gabrius]

Right.

[Nick Weiger]

Right. I've eaten a lot of in n out burgers. I. I've been eating in and out burger back when it was a reward for a good report card for a

[Mike Mitchell]

fat little neck with two years.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

And now you eat it for every week where you don't use the noose. All right, Double, double.

[Nick Weiger]

This is clearly derived from that by their, by their, the owner's admission like that. They're. They're trying to do an in inspired roadside burger. And let me tell you, special sauce, lettuce, tomatoes and onion. There's a little bit of horseradish in the special sauce, which I really like. That was kicking there.

[Gabrius]

That was like the conversation for maybe the first 25 minutes of our meal was all of us, because we got to the burger at different times, and everyone was like, is there a horseradish? And then someone be like, I think there's horseradish. It was the most amount of times I've said horseradish in my life.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I think the guy behind the car was like, yeah, there is. Shut the up.

[Nick Weiger]

But to your point, this could absolutely hang with an In N Out cheeseburger any day of the week. I mean, I loved it. That was delicious.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh my God. And you've had those dozens of times. Why you should show. Show a picture of the two. There's a picture of. Of the two owners here that you said looks like. It just looks like. Here you go. Show the crowd here.

[Nick Weiger]

I don't know. This will be on the iPad screen.

[Mike Mitchell]

And why's it said this. This just looks like aged up me and him.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah,

[Mike Mitchell]

it does look like we came to close their loop. But I have a feeling that we don't have to close the loop when

[Nick Weiger]

we're not speaking anymore and doing the Doughboys 50th anniversary tour for money.

[Gabrius]

Cause yeah, when you're doing. You're doing it at the sphere in 2060.

[Mike Mitchell]

Jesus. We should no other choice. Those guys and take over Red Hot Ranch.

[Gabrius]

Spoiler.

[Mike Mitchell]

They don't know you haven't seen it.

[Nick Weiger]

It's kind of the premise.

[Mike Mitchell]

But they were inspired by. In an outburger. That's what they say on the sign.

[Gabrius]

That's what Nick said. Did you listen to me for one second? That's what Nick did. Just said. Have some fucking water and don't forget the fridge.

[Mike Mitchell]

They look like good guys.

[Nick Weiger]

They look like good guys.

[Mike Mitchell]

We like them.

[Gabrius]

They have.

[Nick Weiger]

I guess with a wiener circle. They seem to have decent politics. I don't know. As restaurant owners go, maybe sort of like kind of mainstream liberal politics.

[Mike Mitchell]

They own the Wiener Circle as well.

[Nick Weiger]

Yes. Yeah. Wiener circle was the original. Original.

[Gabrius]

I'm in the wiener circle. So I feel bad that I walked in. I said, who's this loser behind the cash register? Nice haircut, Jason. And everyone. You're like, it's not this place, dude. I was like came in ready to rumble.

[Mike Mitchell]

I've never been a wiener circle. It's a sad. I know. Should we go?

[Gabrius]

I wonder what they would say to us.

[Mike Mitchell]

Go tonight.

[Gabrius]

No. That's how we get assassinated by you. Go tonight. And she said screwing a silencer on a pistol.

[Mike Mitchell]

She can't come to these shows anymore. She's sick of her boyfriend coming here.

[Nick Weiger]

We were getting a big order and. But I do regret not having gotten the double cheeseburger because I feel like that's kind of. It feels like they're the default burger here. How. How was the double?

[Mike Mitchell]

So much better.

[Gabrius]

I didn't have the single for comparison. But the double. The double was lit it.

[Mike Mitchell]

The double whistle.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Gabrius]

It was a little embarrassing when everyone ordered a Single burger. And then you. You go to me. Are you doing a double?

[Mike Mitchell]

And I was like, I changed my order. I had a single in. I changed it to a double.

[Gabrius]

We like Thelma and Louise did, but with our cardiovascular system. He's like, held hands were like, yep, we ride a dog.

[Nick Weiger]

Let's talk. Let's talk dogs.

[Gabrius]

I like.

[Nick Weiger]

I like the dogs. That they were good. No, I thought.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like.

[Nick Weiger]

I was like, I get the friend the fries on top. And I'm like, I don't really know what to do with it. It's a little cumbersome. So I'm like, I'm taking a few handfuls off of this thing. Cause I'm like, oh, is that just how the fries are presented? No, it's meant to be eaten with the dog.

[Mike Mitchell]

But is it supposed to be eaten with the dog? Or are you supposed to pull them off and just eat them as is? What are you.

[Nick Weiger]

Both are valid. Okay?

[Gabrius]

Both are valid. And that's really funny. Cause I was standing next to Mitch, and he was, like, trying to eat his hot dog. And French fries are falling off, and he's, like, picking them back up and putting them on. He's like, it's really hard to eat with. And I'm like. And he's like, I don't know if I like all these fries. I'm like, take some off. And you were like, oh, yeah. Okay. Wow. Much easier.

[Mike Mitchell]

I want them. If they could feed it to me, I'd pay for that. I don't want any level of. I would.

[Gabrius]

Must be nice if I could. Jason, why don't you come over here with that snow shovel and pour these fries down my throat?

[Mike Mitchell]

I don't. I didn't know what you were. I didn't know if it was supposed to be on the rise there, but. But there was. It was. There's too much.

[Nick Weiger]

I share your anxiety. I'm trying. I want to eat this the correct way, so I know what.

[Mike Mitchell]

You're scared. At the end of the day, we're scared.

[Gabrius]

I know, exactly. Sometimes at a restaurant, I'll ask, like, the server when they drop something at the table, I'm like, and so we just eat this, like. And they're always like, yeah, like, the fucking. It's food. You put it in your mouth. And I'm like, well, I don't know, do we? Because sometimes they're like, you're gonna want to stir that whole thing up and

[Nick Weiger]

just smash it all together, crack the yolk.

[Gabrius]

And, you know, I need all that because I Want to do it as the chef wants me to do it.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's how I feel, too.

[Gabrius]

So that's why we were all eating and looking at Jason like, are we doing it right, Daddy?

[Mike Mitchell]

He ended up liking us. All right. Jason liked us. All right.

[Nick Weiger]

Jason came around.

[Gabrius]

We win everybody over.

[Mike Mitchell]

That we do. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

Well, we tip big and we are giant, charming freaks.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, it's true.

[Gabrius]

We talked to every single person that came into the room.

[Nick Weiger]

We did talk to everybody.

[Gabrius]

Some of them wanted it.

[Nick Weiger]

We'll get into it.

[Mike Mitchell]

Why is I going to say this about the dog, a little spicy dog?

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, well, the sport peppers were coming through and I appreciate that because, you know, I'm a bit of a heat seeker and. But no, it had some real pop to it, some real punch. I thought it was great.

[Gabrius]

I thought that the. I never heard the phrase sport peppers until now. I like it.

[Nick Weiger]

How is that possible?

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, I don't get that either.

[Gabrius]

Personally, I've heard the word sport maybe, and I've also heard the word peppers, but I've never heard the sport as a modifier for pepper. What is that? What is that signaling? What is that telling me about the pepper?

[Mike Mitchell]

They. They. It's a well known Chicago. It's a very well known Chicago.

[Gabrius]

You don't have an. No one has an answer up here. Just condescension only. Okay. Yeah, so I see. Thank you.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's a very common Chicago. It's a little thin pepper. It's a little.

[Gabrius]

But what about it?

[Mike Mitchell]

It's just not a lot of girth. I don't know.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, I don't know the etymology of it.

[Mike Mitchell]

Is it Serrano?

[Gabrius]

What?

[Mike Mitchell]

It's pickled Serrano pepper.

[Nick Weiger]

It's a pickled Serrano pepper.

[Gabrius]

There's the fucking answer I'm looking for. Thank you. Thank you.

[Nick Weiger]

Thank you very.

[Gabrius]

How sporty.

[Mike Mitchell]

But it's a big Chicago. It's a very huge. It's big in Chicago.

[Gabrius]

Yes.

[Mike Mitchell]

Pope Leo's giving him.

[Gabrius]

That's what I say when I take my dick out. This is actually big in Chicago.

[Mike Mitchell]

Do you say that when you're not in Chicago?

[Gabrius]

You would love this thing in Chicago.

[Mike Mitchell]

Pope Leo serves him at the Vatican now. Instead of communion, he gets sport. You get a sport pepper.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. Body. Christ, the body.

[Nick Weiger]

What did you think of the dog itself, though, Mitch?

[Mike Mitchell]

What the. What did you think?

[Gabrius]

Startled me.

[Mike Mitchell]

That was insane.

[Gabrius]

That was.

[Mike Mitchell]

There was so much hearts racing.

[Nick Weiger]

Was that too intense?

[Gabrius]

I didn't know if he was gonna kiss me or kill me.

[Mike Mitchell]

I could feel my fingers and toes. My Heart raced that much.

[Gabrius]

There was arguably so much menace and or riz on that sentence, I can't determine.

[Mike Mitchell]

You might get an attic surprise from me tonight, sucking you off while you're hanging from a noose.

[Gabrius]

The legend continues. For the dog. I thought the Sport Pepper. I'm so happy to use this phrase now that I know what it means. I love that it was. Added the spice. A little spicy for my gringo palate, but I fucking loved the snap. It added an extra crisp.

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, delightful.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. And the dog was snappy, which is important. You want a snappy wing.

[Mike Mitchell]

Some lady yelled, thank you, Sport Pepper's fine,

[Gabrius]

tears in her eyes. Gabriel's jersey on. Thank you, sir. But I enjoyed the dog. Yeah, yeah. And I'm a dog skeptic.

[Mike Mitchell]

A dog skeptic.

[Gabrius]

I just wanted to say something bold. I don't believe they exist.

[Mike Mitchell]

What do you think of the polish?

[Nick Weiger]

Well, here's the thing.

[Mike Mitchell]

I don't like them as a people personally, but I like the poll. Oh, I forgot there's a lot of you here.

[Gabrius]

Let's see how many. Can someone help us change this light bulb. In the year of the Lord? 2026? We got Polish light bulb joke. I think I learned it from one of the most effective offensive books I was ever gifted. At the age of two, I got a book. This is. You want to hear John Gabriel's origin story? I got a book that was called Tasteless Jokes at a used bookstore in, like, 1993, when I was like, 11,

[Mike Mitchell]

this guy's going up.

[Gabrius]

And it was chapter. It was chapter by chapter on ethnicity, religion, race. It was like, here's Italian jokes. And I would, like, bust him out with my parent here. I'll tell you one Italian joke that stuck in my head that I said to my family, we are Italian, so I'm allowed to say this. I said. I said, dad, what's it like to go down on an Italian woman? And he was like, what, Johnny? And I was like, it's. It's like eating sushi off the barber shop floor.

[Nick Weiger]

How old were you?

[Gabrius]

I was like, oh, 11.

[Mike Mitchell]

Do you remember that one?

[Gabrius]

Yes, yes.

[Nick Weiger]

You shout out the author Blanch Knotts right there. How about that?

[Gabrius]

Holy shit.

[Nick Weiger]

You also had this volume multiple. You had more than one?

[Gabrius]

Yeah, it was truly. I got that at like 11. And it was like getting a Bible for me

[Nick Weiger]

also. Sitting at your table. I don't know if y' all are together. You're. You're T shirt is the first level of Donkey Kong.

[Mike Mitchell]

We got a kill Scream got rules shirt. That's a horrifying joke.

[Gabrius]

I. I meant. I. I know way more. I'm not going to say any other one.

[Mike Mitchell]

Stick to the Italian chapter.

[Nick Weiger]

I told this. This is reminding me of a. Like when I was in seventh grade, I. It was a hot day, and I said to my friend who was a Jehovah's Witness, it's hot as snatch today. The next day at school, she comes up to me and she said, I got in trouble because I told my mom it was hot as snatch today. She didn't know what it meant, just thought it was an expression.

[Mike Mitchell]

By the way, was this the same year you were talking in a different voice?

[Nick Weiger]

No, that was eighth grade.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, eighth grade. Because it's horrifying. It's hard to snatch today. Whatever the fuck voice you talked in for a full year of your life.

[Nick Weiger]

I.

[Mike Mitchell]

My psycho co host.

[Nick Weiger]

As much as I like the hot dog, I thought the polish was even better. The polish more really like that polish. That was delicious.

[Gabrius]

It, like, forced a better ratio because it just by being a little bit meatier, a little girthy.

[Nick Weiger]

Girthier.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, ding, ding, ding.

[Gabrius]

We won a prize. A little girthier. Works with the sport peppers and all the other ingredients.

[Nick Weiger]

Ingredients.

[Gabrius]

I thought it hit even harder on that.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, I really. The polish, I really. I really loved. I. I was having a. I had a great time overall. We were having a game on an

[Gabrius]

inflatable dartboard, which was helpful.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's from the book.

[Gabrius]

That was the one that offended people. Okay, that's the one that was too far. Inflatable dartboard.

[Nick Weiger]

No, I'm piecing it together. The Polish joke.

[Gabrius]

Yes.

[Mike Mitchell]

He was telling him. He was telling. The night you probably weren't listening, he started going on a Polish joke riff.

[Gabrius]

Did I. I'll stand by it if I actually did it, but I don't.

[Mike Mitchell]

You did. You talked about screen doors in a submarine.

[Gabrius]

I just think it's such a funny thing where all. Everybody's dumb.

[Mike Mitchell]

Ah, yeah.

[Gabrius]

I got your back too, brother. Thank you.

[Mike Mitchell]

There.

[Nick Weiger]

That was the consensus, though, right? I don't think that's a heretical opinion to say that we like the polish more than.

[Mike Mitchell]

I really enjoyed it, but I thought both were great.

[Nick Weiger]

But here's the thing. I go into Red Hot Ranch and I'm like, okay, I'm gonna get. I'm in this hot dog place, as you mentioned, Mitch, the hot dog signage. Hot dogs at the forefront. This place is founded around hot dogs. This is. It's the wiener circle, guys. I Was like, we're getting like, this is a hot dog restaurant. This is the focus of this eatery and. No, this is a hamburger restaurant. Their burger is so good that, that, like the, the, the hot dog, it gets second billing as far as I'm concerned.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, I'm gonna start calling Red Hot Ranch my favorite burger and shrimp spot.

[Nick Weiger]

Honestly, a delightful combo.

[Mike Mitchell]

Who knew?

[Gabrius]

I don't get the dog there. I'm a shrimp guy. You're like, what's this talking about?

[Mike Mitchell]

And then you show them Red Hots are a name for hot dogs, correct?

[Nick Weiger]

Yes.

[Mike Mitchell]

And it's a Red hot. But the Red Hot Ranch burger. And then they call, they don't call the hot dogs Red hots on the menu.

[Nick Weiger]

They call them hot dogs.

[Mike Mitchell]

They call them hot dogs. What the fuck's going on there?

[Nick Weiger]

Hot dog. Also one word, hot dog. That's how it is on the menu.

[Mike Mitchell]

So why don't they call them Red Hot if it's Red Hot Ranch? Why, whatever. That doesn't matter. And also, there wasn't enough ranch there for my, I want.

[Nick Weiger]

Well, it's not like it's like ranch in terms of like a ranch. It's not saying we have ranch dressing.

[Gabrius]

I used to spent some time at the Red Hot Ranch in the Nevada Valley. Two nights in a row.

[Mike Mitchell]

Brothel joke, bro.

[Nick Weiger]

And so they, they had a Pepsi fountain. And oh my God, that's the highlight of the.

[Gabrius]

We walk in, he goes, all right, Pepsi.

[Mike Mitchell]

And we were like.

[Gabrius]

Which is about the most boring thing you can say.

[Mike Mitchell]

The three, everyone behind, like, El the cook looked over. They're like, what? We got this guy excited about Pepsi.

[Gabrius]

And then also today we were talking about cold water versus room temperature water. And Weger goes, I like room temperature water. Probably surprises no one.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'll tell you. They had a crisp ass, orange slice.

[Nick Weiger]

I followed your lead and got the orange slice. It was fucking or was Orange Crush.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, it was Orange Crush.

[Nick Weiger]

I got the Orange Crush. And I thought it was, was delightful.

[Mike Mitchell]

It was damn good.

[Gabrius]

I went with the dp. I got a. You know, I visited the doctor, which was, which was a real treat. I knew I was gonna need a doctor. I didn't know it was gonna be on day one, but we'll see him

[Mike Mitchell]

after the trip too. Yeah, I, I, Everything was really is hitting now. I'll say this. I'm the one who wasn't, wasn't as big on the French fries.

[Nick Weiger]

Well, let's, yeah, let's talk about the fries.

[Mike Mitchell]

They're a little sweet. There's something going on there. There's a little holy. What?

[Gabrius]

These are people ready to fight in your army. They are sweet. Where do you want us roll out?

[Mike Mitchell]

They're a little sweet, right? There's a little bit of sweetness to them. And I don't hate them. I thought they were just.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay, I'm not pandering here. We had some good fries at Small Cheval, and I did like them. I like these fries better. These are my favorite fries I had so far on this trip.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm not pandering. Bullshit.

[Nick Weiger]

I know. I'm not pandering at all. I like. I just thought they were like. Again, this is. This is like what I want from a fry ranch. Me. This place, you know, Columbia Burger, which I used to go to in, you know about Dominguez Hills, California, with my dad when I was a kid. Or like Pete's Burgers and Long beach, like, these places, they just have like, this kind of. This very specific kind of fry, you know what I mean? I know these have some skin on them, I believe, and. But they're well salted. They're really, really well fried. I thought the execution we got on our second trip was even better, but it was the ones we got night

[Mike Mitchell]

one, so we should say that. Well, first of all, we were at the restaurant and a buddy came in of yours. Joe.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah. So here's what happened. We're at the restaurant.

[Mike Mitchell]

Joe, are you here?

[Nick Weiger]

Joe Chap is not here, okay?

[Mike Mitchell]

Wait, Joe is here. Joe Chap is here.

[Nick Weiger]

I'm not Joe.

[Gabrius]

Oh,

[Nick Weiger]

the fuck are you.

[Mike Mitchell]

What are you doing? Why'd you do that?

[Gabrius]

Do you know Joe Chap at least? No, just a little giddy for the name. All right, got it. Well, I'm glad he's not here. Let's light this fucker up.

[Nick Weiger]

So Joe Chap comes in, is like, nick, it's Joe Chap. I was like, oh, hey, buddy. And I'm like, hey, Mitch, it's Joe Chapp. He's like, oh, okay.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I was like, oh, Weger's friend is here, I guess, which just confused me because I think I am Weiger's friend.

[Nick Weiger]

We'd met Joe Chap before.

[Mike Mitchell]

Had we met Joe Chap before?

[Nick Weiger]

I think so.

[Mike Mitchell]

Anyway, we're not sure if we've met Joe Chap before.

[Gabrius]

He certainly acted like you had.

[Nick Weiger]

Like, we'd spent some time together.

[Mike Mitchell]

We maybe talked to Joe Chapp before.

[Nick Weiger]

Anyway, great guy. Was. Was lovely. Told us we have to get the fish sandwich.

[Mike Mitchell]

Well, first of all, he told us. He was like, I thought you guys might be in town. I drove by three other Red Hot Ranches.

[Nick Weiger]

Yes.

[Gabrius]

He said he drove by this red hot ranch, saw us, and pulled over, and he said it was the one closest to his place. But then I think we created the thing that he went to three.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. I. I swear to God, I think he drove by multiple places.

[Gabrius]

Fine.

[Mike Mitchell]

Look, I like Joe Chap, too.

[Gabrius]

I love the guy. I'm glad we were able to disarm him and get his gun away from him and we're able to just have, like, a normal combo with him.

[Mike Mitchell]

There was an Action Boys listener in the restaurant.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

After Joe Chap left, the Action Boys listener was like, what the fuck was up with that guy?

[Nick Weiger]

There's an Action Boys listener, Jose, who only cared about Gabris, could not give a fuck about Mitch and I.

[Gabrius]

You gotta understand the ego that hit that the fucking endorphin hit when a guy goes, oh, shit, Gabrius, I love your podcast. And I'm standing next to these guys. I'm in town for four nights of their podcast at a restaurant that the audience wants to eat at, and I get recognized.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I was like, he's the third doughboy. We know it. Sorry, Susser. He's the third doughboy.

[Gabrius]

Oh, I agree. Except for the exception apology to Susser.

[Mike Mitchell]

I don't know.

[Gabrius]

I don't sign that.

[Nick Weiger]

But yeah, he roasted Joe Chap after

[Mike Mitchell]

he left, the guy roasted Joe Chap. Joe Chap was like, you need to try the fish sandwich.

[Nick Weiger]

He was. He was saying, we need to try this.

[Gabrius]

To give Joe credit, we're now using his first and last name.

[Nick Weiger]

Should we bleep it?

[Mike Mitchell]

Joe Bleep. Emma, just replace bleep it out. It will be fine.

[Gabrius]

So Joe goes, I will drive to another location and get you guys the fish sandwich to try it. It's only 10 minutes away. And then we were just wrapping up.

[Nick Weiger]

We're almost done with our meal, and

[Gabrius]

no one wants to say yes or no to this guy. For some reason, I'm like, I'm not standing at Red hot ranch for 20 minutes after I eat. And for a guy to bring me a cold fish sandwich and then have him watch me eat it and like Amelia watching a fucking Minority Report. But he did.

[Mike Mitchell]

We weren't sure if he was your friend. We weren't. We didn't know what was.

[Gabrius]

It was until he left that we were like, oh, your friend was kind of nice to us. And Wagner's like, I don't think I know him.

[Mike Mitchell]

I look, Joe, we love you. We love you.

[Nick Weiger]

We love you, Joe. I say this with respect. Sometimes you have an interaction with someone who listens to the podcast and it's like one of many interactions you have that night and then you see that person again. And from our perspective, we don't remember it. And they do do. That's the thing that that happens. It's not an insult to anybody. It's just because, like, this was one of dozens of conversations we had, one of dozens of face the faces and names that we encountered that same night. So this felt like that situation. But I was also worried, like, did I work with Joe Chap at some point? And I forgot about it. If that's the case, I'm an asshole. So. But I didn't remember Joe specifically.

[Mike Mitchell]

We found Wer's wedding photo online and Joe Chap was. He was one of the groomsmen.

[Gabrius]

Holding a Red Hot Ranch fish sandwich.

[Nick Weiger]

I have Joe Chap's kidney.

[Gabrius]

I talked to a lot of people that day. I got my kidney transplant.

[Mike Mitchell]

Joe Chap didn't give him the kidney, by the way. Weiger got it by force.

[Gabrius]

Non consensual organ transfer. But he did give us a mission is what he gave us.

[Nick Weiger]

He did. It was a call to adventure.

[Gabrius]

And you know what?

[Mike Mitchell]

Thank you, Joe Chap.

[Nick Weiger]

Thank you, Joe Chap. We owe you this much because.

[Mike Mitchell]

Thank you, Joe Chap.

[Gabrius]

Thank you, Joe Chaps friend.

[Nick Weiger]

Because of your time, we'll see you.

[Mike Mitchell]

Driving by our Airbnb tonight, I'm sure.

[Gabrius]

I do think he said he had tickets to Wednesday, Friday and Saturday, but not tonight.

[Mike Mitchell]

You didn't know. He's the star of the show.

[Nick Weiger]

So today we went to. We went out to Skokie to eat at tomorrow's chain. And coincidentally, it was within walking distance of this from the Skokie Red Hot Ranch. So we went in there. After I called and confirmed they had the fish sandwich, we went in there. The Alaskan.

[Gabrius]

Imagine you work at Red Hot Ranch. Your phone rings, you pick it up and someone just goes, do you have a fish sandwich? Yeah. Thank you.

[Nick Weiger]

That was. That was verbatim the conversation.

[Mike Mitchell]

It was so fast. We were at PETA in Wags, is what you meant to say, right? We were at.

[Nick Weiger]

No, I said. I was just. I was a little coy and people know we're gonna.

[Mike Mitchell]

We're going to Peter in tomorrow. They know we're eating.

[Nick Weiger]

I know, but I was just saying we was tomorrow's change. Just.

[Mike Mitchell]

What?

[Nick Weiger]

It's fine.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's fine.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, everything seems fine.

[Mike Mitchell]

You were on the phone for, like, less than five seconds. You got the confirmation. We had the. The. I'm sure they went into lockdown mode after they talked to you. And we went over, we walked over.

[Nick Weiger]

We walk over there in the freezing hole cold. We get.

[Gabrius]

There's a fucking car. The first of maybe seven car accidents we saw today. Starting to think we're like, final destination near poor city. Drive safe. It was, like, a car accident. And people who are trying to, like, make a right onto the street are, like, leaning on their horn, like, come on, motherfucker. And there's, like, an ambulance, three cop cars, and, like, two cars, like, facing the wrong direction.

[Mike Mitchell]

What's wrong with this? God, what's wrong with you guys?

[Gabrius]

I got to get the doughboys. You got to pretend to be Joe.

[Mike Mitchell]

You don't honk at an ambulance, for God's sake.

[Gabrius]

I was like, do they not see there's literally three cop cars, a, like, destroyed Beamer on, like, the gas station? And like that. And then people are like, what the is happening here?

[Mike Mitchell]

And I'm like, in Chicago, you can order a ambulance for an Uber.

[Gabrius]

That's how you. That's how you and I get home from the restaurant. I'll take this lay down. Uber.

[Nick Weiger]

We got the Alaskan codfish sandwich and fries. We shared it. And also let us try round two of the fries, as I mentioned. So this sandwich is, you know, just the. The cod filet. It's got the. It's a. A generous helping of. Of tartar sauce. And then it's a little ranchy.

[Mike Mitchell]

That sounds. I liked it.

[Nick Weiger]

A little ranchy.

[Gabrius]

And then.

[Nick Weiger]

And then he. Mitch.

[Mike Mitchell]

Red hot ranch. Holy shit.

[Nick Weiger]

And then a little slice of American cheese.

[Gabrius]

Slice of cheese. And some pickles, right?

[Nick Weiger]

Some pickles.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. It really fucking hit.

[Nick Weiger]

I thought it was great. I was like, fucking awesome. Joe Chap was right.

[Gabrius]

I will say he was vindicated in that moment. I was like, all right. That freak was correct.

[Nick Weiger]

This was.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'll let him kill me. What? How? The people who we gave this fish sandwich to say, how was it Still Okay.

[Gabrius]

All right.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay.

[Mike Mitchell]

All right.

[Gabrius]

We asked the nonverbal guy. Yeah. Considering the circumstance that you had to eat it. I speak for him. Don't you worry.

[Mike Mitchell]

It was okay.

[Gabrius]

I. I assume it was better.

[Mike Mitchell]

Went fresh, but yes. Okay, all right.

[Nick Weiger]

There was a safe assumption it was great fresh.

[Mike Mitchell]

Anyone who disliked it in the audience, who got it. Okay, all right, fair enough.

[Nick Weiger]

I thought it's great. I don't know why it's only at certain locations. I mean, but. But I. I Think if it's worth trying. If you, if you haven't.

[Mike Mitchell]

I, I want to say this. Attached to Red Hot Ranch was Oberweiss ice cream and dairy store.

[Nick Weiger]

That's right.

[Mike Mitchell]

Wait, what the.

[Gabrius]

I fucking called this. I go, I can't wait till Mitch mentions this place.

[Mike Mitchell]

He's bad too. I got the Goblin Cock Milk. He's. Oh, he's a Trump guy. God damn it. The ice cream fucking rules.

[Gabrius]

But he's a piece of.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay, all right, copy that.

[Gabrius]

That's sort of a blanket statement for most major corporations. Guys, we gotta leave ourselves a little bit of t joy. Okay?

[Nick Weiger]

No, see how much Coca Cola donates to the RNC.

[Mike Mitchell]

I gave a 50% political tip. I had no idea whatever that meant. I, I, I was, I was very excited when we went to Ober Weiss. You saw, you saw him. I was like, I was very excited.

[Gabrius]

You were, like, legitimately, like, over. You were like, oh, and overw. We can get stuff at overweiss. And I was like, oh, Mitch, do you know this place? Is it popular in Chicago? You're like, I'd never heard of it. Like, why are you so fucking giddy about it? And then we're like, we should get ice cream for the house.

[Mike Mitchell]

Right?

[Gabrius]

We should get ice cream for the house. Emma wants whole milk. Emma said she wanted whole milk. I'm like, I thought we called this guy Rain Man.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I was like, look, they got pretzels and they got coffee cake. This was exactly what was happening.

[Nick Weiger]

You're very excited by the coffee cake, you're telling me.

[Gabrius]

And I'm thinking, you've been here before. You're like, and they got pretzels. And I was like, oh, are the pretzels good? You're like, never had them on. I'm like, what the fuck is going on? So we decide to get a few pints of ice cream to go. And Mitch is like, and should we get the coffee cake? And wear. Just finally goes, you brought it up a few times. Just get the coffee cake.

[Mike Mitchell]

We got a coffee cake. We got three different pints of ice cream. We got, we got the, the. We got the new milk. We got milk and, and we got cookie dough ice cream. We got cookies and cream ice cream. And we got mint chocolate chip ice cream.

[Nick Weiger]

That's right.

[Gabrius]

And we bought tank tops that said Donald Trump 2028.

[Mike Mitchell]

There's holes for your. For milk. You can get milked out of them.

[Gabrius]

Yeah. We had to buy the cow's tank sized tank tops. Six nipple holes in it.

[Nick Weiger]

We also Met Amy and Elizabeth, who drove up from St. Louis. Amy and Elizabeth here. All right. Nice to meet you. What's your. What's your. Shout out your fork? Score for red Hot Ranch, 3.5. 3.5.

[Mike Mitchell]

Whoa.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow.

[Mike Mitchell]

They're nice. We like them.

[Nick Weiger]

Take it easy. Take it easy.

[Gabrius]

You can boo us. Don't boo each other, Please. Keep in mind she's one of you.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay.

[Mike Mitchell]

Actually, she's from Indiana. Not to out you. I'm sorry.

[Gabrius]

St. Louis.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, sorry, Mitch.

[Nick Weiger]

I said, if you were listening to

[Mike Mitchell]

me, listen to you sometimes.

[Gabrius]

Sometimes.

[Nick Weiger]

I said they drove up from St. Louis.

[Mike Mitchell]

The chocolate milk looked good, too, in Oberweis.

[Gabrius]

Was that.

[Mike Mitchell]

Was.

[Nick Weiger]

Was that the consensus? Where did. I think you're both behind a poll. From my perspective. I apologize. What's that?

[Mike Mitchell]

Were you.

[Nick Weiger]

Did you. Were you.

[Mike Mitchell]

Two nights in a row? The people we've met have been behind the poll.

[Nick Weiger]

Did you agree that. Were you both at three and a half?

[Mike Mitchell]

Three.

[Nick Weiger]

Three. Three and a half.

[Mike Mitchell]

Wow. Those St. Louis sons of bitches.

[Gabrius]

Sorry, we just said don't boo them, and you're. You're fucking down.

[Nick Weiger]

You're brave to be honest with this crowd. I admire your candor.

[Gabrius]

Someone needs to tell the truth. And that's why I'm voting for Donald. Truth, social media.

[Nick Weiger]

And we should get to work.

[Mike Mitchell]

Can we quickly ask them what they got? And also, did you get anything at Oprah's?

[Gabrius]

They got the burger St. Louis. It's great.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, yeah. You have it in St. Louis. And what did you. You guys got burgers, you said. Okay. All right.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay. Hey, buddy, you want to hear about my latest obsession? I'm talking about Mars Men. No, I don't mean space aliens. I'm talking about something very different. Did you hit a wall in your mid-30s? You're doing the same workouts, eating the same diet, but you feel like you're moving through mud. Nobody tells you about this stuff. One day you're crushing it, next day you're wondering why everything feels twice as hard. Because here's the thing. Most men start losing testosterone around age 30, about 1% every year after that.

[Mike Mitchell]

Wow.

[Nick Weiger]

That's why we love Mars Men. Here's what I learned. Your body makes testosterone, but a lot of it gets locked up and can't be used. There's this protein called SHBG that basically handcuffs your testosterone. Even if your body's making testosterone, SHBG locks it up so you can't access it. It's like having money in the bank, but your debit card doesn't work. Mars Men is designed to help free lock testosterone so your body can actually use it. No synthetics, no needles, just real ingredients that help optimize energy, focus and strength. We're talking about stronger physical performance and hey, helping out your recovery in gym. And as you know, you get older, that recovery gets harder and harder. But going to the gym gets more and more essential, more consistent natural energy. Another thing that dips with age, your energy like your testosterone help that out with Mars Man. It's not like drinking a cup of coffee. It's a steadier sense of drive throughout the day. Supports healthy T levels, energy and stamina. 8 natural clinically dosed ingredients Tongkat Ali Shilajit, Vitamin D, Zinc boron and more. Made in the USA and third party tested 90 day money back guarantee so there's no risk. Worst case, you don't absolutely love it and you get your money back. But over 91% of users report higher energy levels. Thousands of guys are feeling incredible results. Just check out the reviews on the website to see for yourself. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts@ Mengotomars.com that's Mengotomars.com for 50% off and three free gifts when you check out. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them

[Mike Mitchell]

doughboys sent you Wygs Sleep is so important. A good night's rest sets you up for a great day. And that's why we love Helix mattresses. That's right, I love Helix Wags. I've had a Helix mattress for, gosh, almost seven or eight years now. That's right. I've been sleeping on my moonlight luxe for close to eight years. It's been a while. I love it, Wags. It's like sleeping on a cloud. Everyone who's ever slept on that bed loves it.

[Nick Weiger]

Mitch, how has your sleep improved since you switched to Helix?

[Mike Mitchell]

It's like night and day. It is like night and day. I'm getting better. More restful sleep. I'm feeling good. I got my CPAP mask on. I'm getting, I'm laying down. I'm falling asleep in seconds.

[Nick Weiger]

It's interesting that you say it's like night and day because sleep usually transitions from night into day.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's true, wives.

[Nick Weiger]

Helix helps you sleep better. A study found that 82% of participants experienced increased deep sleep while using a Helix mattress. The Helix Sleep quiz matches you with a perfect mattress based on your personal Preferences and sleep needs.

[Mike Mitchell]

Plus Helix delivers your mattress right to your door with free shipping in the US Rest easy with seamless returns and exchanges thanks to the Happy with Helix guarantee. Try it out with 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow. Go to helixsleep.com doughboys for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com doughboys For 20 off site wide.

[Mike Mitchell]

Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com doughboys and wags. Pretty soon you're going to be going, Hi, I'm Beck Bennett.

[Gabrius]

I thought I was Beck Bennett.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, no, no, no.

[Gabrius]

Kyle Mooney. Yeah, sorry about that.

[Mike Mitchell]

Exactly. No, all good.

[Nick Weiger]

All good. Thanks, buddy.

[Gabrius]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

And we host the show what's our

[Gabrius]

podcast here on Headgum.

[Nick Weiger]

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace.

[Gabrius]

Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and make you look like a kick ass person online. Like you're skateboarding through the Internet or

[Mike Mitchell]

you're like you're surfing through the web.

[Gabrius]

Squarespace gives you everything you need to

[Nick Weiger]

claim your domain, showcase your offerings with

[Gabrius]

a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like that. It's all in one place.

[Gabrius]

I know. I like that I don't have to go around, you know, like different stores or something. It's just all, it's like, oh, do I need to go to like, do I need another type of website to like find the right pictures or to

[Nick Weiger]

like another type of website to upload?

[Gabrius]

You know, it's all in one place. The video or audio or like. No, I want it makes it easy. Make it easy on me, please. Yes. And you can do all those things. Photos, videos, changing fonts, you know, I mean, the designs are amazing. They're catering to all your different needs. Their SEO tools, which. I know what those are. And their custom domains. Oh, let's come up with a domain right now.

[Mike Mitchell]

Let's see.

[Gabrius]

I wonder if it exists. Www.friendsmeetingfriends friendsmeetingfriends.com that's an original thing that we came up with. Friends meeting friends. Anyway, so check out squarespace.com edgar for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code HEADGUM. Save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell, sounds easy. Anybody could do it.

[Nick Weiger]

What? What? Hey, did we like it? Where do we, where do we rank it on the forks?

[Mike Mitchell]

Good question.

[Nick Weiger]

This is a good question here. And I'M going to start.

[Mike Mitchell]

You're going to start?

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, I'm going to start.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah. I'll go last.

[Nick Weiger]

I'm going to set a baseline.

[Gabrius]

Let's practice. Listening to Nick,

[Nick Weiger]

I was the highest on this place, I think, of the three of us. And I think especially because of my ringing endorsement of the fries and my enthusiasm for the shrimp, which paid off like I like for me, I felt like this was. For whatever reason, this place was connecting with me a little bit more than the two of you. I could be wrong, but I. Last night we reviewed Small Cheval and this is definitely aiming for a different tier. Even though it's like, you know, not much older than Small Cheval, it does feel like more of a working class establishment versus Small Shifale, which. Which is not elitist, but feels like a little bit more gastro pubby. You know what I mean? I like that vibe a lot. I like this place that has standing room only. I like the feel of the Skokie location. That was like a little, you know, the Skokie was a little hokey, but that was fun. That was part of. That's part of the fun.

[Mike Mitchell]

We almost went to the Home Alone House, but then we didn't.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, it was a good end,

[Gabrius]

but

[Nick Weiger]

I gave small cheval 4. 4. And I said at the show that I was going. I knew, having already had Red Hot Ranch, that it was going to not be the same score as Small Cheval and I was going to leave a little room both below and above. And where I land with Red Hot ranch is above.4 and a half forks.

[Gabrius]

Holy shit.

[Nick Weiger]

What am I doing?

[Mike Mitchell]

What's to give? A score of four and a half.

[Nick Weiger]

What am I doing? That shrimp was so good. 5. 4.

[Mike Mitchell]

I was gonna say. What the fuck is he talking about? You said you. You connected with it. You don't connect with anything or anyone. You connected with that place. You did. We saw it.

[Gabrius]

What the fuck is this show? Four and a half. Huge pop fuck in five. That means even more to us.

[Mike Mitchell]

The shrimp. It was the shrimp.

[Gabrius]

What else is there to live for? 2 more nights of shows.

[Nick Weiger]

Red Hot Ranch to me is what AWA is to Pandorans. I feel like I have a bond with it immediately.

[Gabrius]

So it's both your God and your place of living and your source of. Of nutrients and maybe Wi fi.

[Nick Weiger]

And I think I it too.

[Gabrius]

You it. And I think it's. It helps you, your animal that you ride. Right.

[Nick Weiger]

But you can also talk to your dead grandpa. Yeah, it's great. It's an all in one, Gabris. What do you think?

[Gabrius]

Oh, well, I'm glad you got that huge pop already. I. I, too, am not going to give this place the same. I. Let me say this. I wasn't gonna give it the same score I gave Small Cheval. I knew. I thought it came in a little lower than Small Cheval for me. But I will say, and I, like, owe my entire life to Nick's friend Joe. And I went in. I went. I left Red Hot Ranch on Tuesday night saying, guaranteed four forkers. But then today, I had that fish sandwich. Shrimp is to Nick as fish is to Gabris.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow.

[Gabrius]

And that popped me up. Not to a full five, you know, but I'm gonna be sitting it pretty with a four and a half fork score.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow.

[Gabrius]

Tied with Small Cheval for me.

[Nick Weiger]

Spoon man, it falls to you. Your fork score will determine whether or not it enters the hallowed halls of the Golden Plate Club, the Chicago institution.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm hard to take it out of the Golden Plate Club, don't I?

[Nick Weiger]

You certainly do.

[Mike Mitchell]

And me and the St. Louis ladies will run away

[Gabrius]

all the way Back to Indiana.

[Mike Mitchell]

St. Louis.

[Gabrius]

Indiana, where Notre Dame played.

[Mike Mitchell]

All right, Wygs, we got in there. I had had what some doctors would describe as diarrhea on the plane,

[Nick Weiger]

right?

[Gabrius]

Nine out of 10 doctors agree that's diarrhea. One doctor's fucking nuts.

[Mike Mitchell]

One doctor's like, it's good.

[Nick Weiger]

It's normal.

[Mike Mitchell]

I. Okay. Despite having horrible stomach issues going into it. Wykes, I was so damn happy at the Red Hot Ranch. We were all standing and eating and just making noises that you make when you were. We eat burgers silently with each other.

[Nick Weiger]

And how fun is that?

[Gabrius]

A lot of moaning and. Oh, fuck. Sport pepper. These are popular here in Chicago.

[Mike Mitchell]

And I was a little down on the fries. Now, is the fries gonna take me down to, you know, 3.9 forks or something? Whoa, hold on now.

[Nick Weiger]

Hold on.

[Mike Mitchell]

Wow. Joe Chap.

[Gabrius]

Five fork guy.

[Mike Mitchell]

A five fork.

[Nick Weiger]

Five fork man.

[Mike Mitchell]

My friend Joe Chap.

[Nick Weiger]

Our friend. Our friend Joe Chap.

[Gabrius]

I am Joe Chap.

[Mike Mitchell]

The Doughboys. That is the Doughboy spot. You all are Joe Chap.

[Nick Weiger]

We all are Joe Chop.

[Gabrius]

It's like Fight Club.

[Nick Weiger]

His name was Joe Chap.

[Gabrius]

His name was Joe Chap. Except we're Fight Club with two meatloaves and Tyler Durden. Holy. Hey. Okay.

[Nick Weiger]

All right.

[Mike Mitchell]

And our dick. Our dick works less

[Nick Weiger]

more like Jared Leto after he gets his ass kicked.

[Mike Mitchell]

Joe.

[Nick Weiger]

Joe Chap. More like Dough Chap. Sorry.

[Mike Mitchell]

Keep going. God bless. Joe Chap.

[Nick Weiger]

God bless Joe Chap for sending us

[Mike Mitchell]

to the Skokie, Illinois Red Hot Ranch where the fries were better. Still not my favorite fries. And the fish sandwich was amazing. And it was attached to Oberfield. What the fuck is it called? Oberweis. Oberweiss Ice cream. Spot wise, I was in hog heaven. I think it's my favorite. It's my favorite meal of the entire trip. Five forks. Wow. Holy Gabris. They're booing.

[Gabrius]

Your opinion means literally nothing to me.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, they're saying spoon. They're saying spoon.

[Gabrius]

They're saying boo earned.

[Nick Weiger]

That was our review of Red Hot Ranch. Welcome to the Golden Plate Club. We loved it.

[Gabrius]

How fun.

[Mike Mitchell]

Close. Close to the Platinum Plate Club.

[Nick Weiger]

We are. It's insane how against the clock we are now. We've been. It's almost nine.

[Mike Mitchell]

Holy shit.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, I know.

[Gabrius]

But you gotta be in bed by 9:30 to watch me and Mitch wrestle.

[Nick Weiger]

So it's time for a segment. We've got some mystery crumbs. And Mitch and Gabrius have to guess what they are. Under the watchful eye of the greatest bread detective in the world.

[Gabrius]

Sherlock Crumbs.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, don't cheer me.

[Gabrius]

My Watson is bringing out the crumbs. What is this show? I guess I gotta listen to some more episodes.

[Mike Mitchell]

Sherlock Crumbs is new and it's fucking very stupid.

[Nick Weiger]

I think it's fun. I think that people like Sherlock Crumbs.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, you don't. He doesn't even sound English. Don't.

[Nick Weiger]

Why?

[Mike Mitchell]

You don't have to be. You don't have to pretend to be Sherlock Crumbs. You're not. You're not. Who is Sherlock Crumb?

[Gabrius]

He's just a guy.

[Nick Weiger]

He's just a carrot. I don't know if I can't, why I can't do a character for once.

[Mike Mitchell]

Just be yourself, for God's sake.

[Nick Weiger]

I am myself all the time. Like, I'm just like.

[Gabrius]

I'm.

[Nick Weiger]

I don't know. I thought it was like a fun thing to do that people seem to like.

[Gabrius]

But

[Nick Weiger]

it's fine. Shut up.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, be Nick Weger.

[Nick Weiger]

I am Nick Weiger. And I'm also Sherlock Crumbs. No, no Crumbs.

[Gabrius]

Nick.

[Mike Mitchell]

Be Nick Weiger. Be nick weger. Be nicholas weiger. You idiot. Stop chanting for crumbs.

[Gabrius]

Read the room.

[Nick Weiger]

No, no, I mean mitch. You are right.

[Mike Mitchell]

No, no. You guys get Sherlock Crumbs now.

[Gabrius]

You like Sherlock. No.

[Mike Mitchell]

You wanted it. You get fucking. Oh, you do want it. All right.

[Nick Weiger]

Do we hold off on the other bit. Do Sherlock Crumbs instead.

[Mike Mitchell]

You don't want crumbs.

[Nick Weiger]

No, you.

[Gabrius]

No. You don't have to let them choose what we do. If I'm honest, they paid to watch us. We can do whatever the fuck we want.

[Nick Weiger]

If I'm perfectly honest with myself, Sherlock Crumbs is a mask.

[Gabrius]

Well, then, who are you?

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, who are you?

[Nick Weiger]

My full legal name is Nicholas Frank Weiger. And sometimes I go by Frank. Which means it's time for this week in Hot Dog News and another edition of Let Me Be Frank. Hit it, Emma. Hot dog simmering the city great on

[Mike Mitchell]

my grill getting greasy and gritty.

[Nick Weiger]

Toast bone, donut look pretty.

[Mike Mitchell]

Sucking on a dog, sucking on a titty.

[Nick Weiger]

Pork and beef, something just season long. Bread rolling on a roll of grill.

[Gabrius]

Holiday

[Nick Weiger]

fortified, it's a different world.

[Mike Mitchell]

Swapped off lights with a girl.

[Nick Weiger]

Munch on, munch on and chomp all night despite the farts, it'll be all right. That taste. When the casing has snapped, later that day, you'll for sure have to nap

[Mike Mitchell]

as it simmers in the city like

[Nick Weiger]

you're sucking on a titty. You ain't nothing but a hot dog. Crying all the time.

[Mike Mitchell]

You ain't nothing but a hot dog.

[Nick Weiger]

Frying all the time. You ain't never been a burger and you ain't no lunch of mine. They said you a sandwich, well that

[Mike Mitchell]

was just a lie.

[Nick Weiger]

They said you a sandwich, well that was just a lie. You're just a bond around the wiener, so you should so qualified.

[Mike Mitchell]

He wakes up in the morning, eats a Frank, takes a shit and he's rolling, but the toilet won't flush and he needs it off his bus. It stinks. August 8, 2004. Dave Matthews and his band are on tour and their septic tank is full. And so the bus driver pulls the lever.

[Gabrius]

Eat the East Frank bird,

[Mike Mitchell]

turn them into shit. And then you find a nice bridge and dump them on Chicago Inn.

[Nick Weiger]

All right, listen up, ladies and gentlemen. Our fugitive has been on a bun for 90 minutes, average foot long over uneven grill temperature, bar and kitchen fires. Isn't reality. Only about 10.5 inches after cooking. That gives us a count of 1100 calories. What I want from each and every one of you is a hard target search of every diner, drive in, dive roadhouse, steakhouse, chop house, waffle house, Old spaghetti house and dog House. That last one stays the same in the area. Checkpoints go up at dinner time. Your fugitive's name is Dr. Frank Furter. Go eat him. All right, so this is Let Me be frank. Let's take a look at some hot dogs news stories, Mitch. Maybe we'll just do one a piece and get to some questions. Mitch will use Google and I'll use my preferred search engine, Microsoft. Bing.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm gonna search Hot Dog Chicago News. Oh, good call.

[Gabrius]

Oh, smart. Frankfurter is the doctor's name. That's like all you need out of Nick is that kind of fake cackle into the mic.

[Nick Weiger]

I liked it.

[Gabrius]

I know, I know.

[Nick Weiger]

It's never fake with you, buddy.

[Gabrius]

He never fakes it with me. A little harder for a guy to do.

[Mike Mitchell]

But you know, while this is news just recently, this is sad news. I mean, because it brings up the Chicago Bears. We're sorry, but the Wiener Circle giving away free hot dogs Tuesday after Bears coach Ben Johnson goes shirtless. Did any of you take advantage of that? Did any of you get a free hot dog from Wiener Circle?

[Gabrius]

Did you ask them? Did anyone take advantage of the shirtless coach? I forgot.

[Mike Mitchell]

This is the worst part of this bit.

[Gabrius]

Here's one in the theme of like downshifting so hard from beautiful performances to looking at your phones. Cause you know, pre googling hot dog news is impossible. A team of five people here.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay, here's one from Yahoo. The Chicago style hot dog variation that deserves more credit. Among these, one standout twist on tradition has been getting some attention. The char dog. A flame kissed variation of the beloved Chicago style hot dog. So what makes a char dog different from a classic Chicago style dog? Although they both share the same ingredients, the difference all comes down to how the frankfurter is cooked. While a traditional Chicago style dog is usually steamed or simmered, the char dog is flame grilled, typically over crumbs.

[Gabrius]

Crumbs? Crumbs.

[Mike Mitchell]

If you're coming tomorrow night, we'll do crumbs.

[Gabrius]

Scalped. Tickets are going for $1,000. I hope Nick puts the pipe in his mouth again.

[Nick Weiger]

Mitch, you got one or two more?

[Gabrius]

Mitch, you got a thing here. Mitch is what the fuck, Raya? It does look like you're look because of how fucking browsers are now. It looks like you're looking at Ed because there's like 40 popping up.

[Mike Mitchell]

There's a thing about someone using saying the Pope as a joke. There's not. There's not a ton of hot dog news right now. Maybe it's the wintertime.

[Gabrius]

I wonder if there's other things to talk about in America. The news hasn't got to hot dogs yet.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh man.

[Gabrius]

We're dealing with an occupying force in American city.

[Mike Mitchell]

Nathan's. Famous hot dog sold for 450 million.

[Gabrius]

Someone outbid me again.

[Nick Weiger]

Here's one from msn.com I tried the Chicago hot dog deep dish pizza, and I'm genuinely shocked.

[Mike Mitchell]

Is that the end of it?

[Gabrius]

Genuinely?

[Nick Weiger]

What if you combined both foods into one Chicago superfood? Then you would get the Bortillo's, Lou Malnati's crosstown pizza, AKA the Chicago Hot dog Deep dish pizza. No. Wow. I visited Lou Malnati's to try. The concoction was blown away by how good it tasted. I took one bite of the beets and said out loud, oh, my God, hot dog. It might sound silly, but imagine if

[Gabrius]

you're sitting with someone and they bite pizza and then go, oh, my God, hot dog.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like that. The crowd turned up. They went, boo. And then they're like. They actually liked it. And they're like, oh,

[Gabrius]

honey, change the Uber. We're going cross town tonight.

[Mike Mitchell]

I got to say, this mother. My mother, yes. For Christmas this year, she gifted me two deep dish pizzas from Lou Malnati.

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, that's nice.

[Mike Mitchell]

And it was the Italian beef deep dish pizzas that they do. And I ate them at home with my mom, and we had a. They were fantastic.

[Gabrius]

That's like buying an alcoholic a bottle of Crystal palace or some shit like that.

[Nick Weiger]

Can I shout out that Amelia and Emma put together this Tommy Lee Jones US Marshals jacket on the fly? This is a star that they got from a military surplus store. And then this says US Mar. And it looks like it ends with my sleeve here, but actually I'm committing stolen valor because it is a folded under patch that says U.S. marine.

[Gabrius]

We should also say that this jacket that Amelia and Emma got for Weger to wear for this bit is the exact thickness of the jacket he brought to wear in Chicago.

[Nick Weiger]

That's true.

[Gabrius]

I swear to God. He has, like, a windbreaker with him. He's like, I gotta buy gloves.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, I just gave him my jacket, and they put the badges on.

[Gabrius]

Oh, this is your jacket?

[Nick Weiger]

This is my jacket? Yeah.

[Gabrius]

This is the jacket. This is what he wore to Chicago. Even I busted out my Neo on the Nebuchadnezzar sweater for this US Mar.

[Mike Mitchell]

It worked. US Mar did work. Stolen valor and all. I served in the tomorrow war as well, and I'm offended.

[Nick Weiger]

You got one more, Mitch. We should do the best.

[Gabrius]

Thank you for your service. You spent a lot of time with Chris Pratt, so

[Mike Mitchell]

move over, Chicago. This European nation is serving up some seriously scrumptious hot dogs. Norway wow.

[Nick Weiger]

How about that?

[Mike Mitchell]

Norway's coming for the hot dog crown.

[Gabrius]

We're invading Norway next. We're getting there, aren't we? The Delta Force will get their hot dogs.

[Nick Weiger]

I thought the Midwest had a sizable Scandinavian population, but is it not Norwegian? Is it more Swedish? Is it more. I'm not sure.

[Gabrius]

Sounds Swedish. More Polish. Sorry. Lesson learned.

[Nick Weiger]

Whoa.

[Gabrius]

Because. Because I can't find any relatives with my last name besides, like, my grandpa's brother. We believe it was shortened at Ellis island. And we may be, like, a gay Bruski or a gate.

[Nick Weiger]

Whoa.

[Gabrius]

So I might even be Polish.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm reading about these Norway dogs. They sound delicious. But I think that's about all we have time we have for your wives.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah, that was all we have time

[Gabrius]

for is for me to silently read. I'm sorry, folks.

[Mike Mitchell]

That look good.

[Nick Weiger]

Just like your restaurant value, your feedback. Let's open the feedback. All right, we're taking a few audience questions. Amelia's coming out here. Big hand for Amelia. Emma, step out here for a second too. Big ad for Emma Erdbrink, who pulls this whole thing together. All right, Amelia, who are we bringing up?

[Mike Mitchell]

All right, could we please get. Just to the side of the stage over here. Could we please get Jen N, Brian B.

[Nick Weiger]

And Kevin S. All right, if you heard your name, snake your way over to where Amelia is at stage left here. Or just leave. That's an option.

[Mike Mitchell]

Don't open that up yet. People are gonna run. So many significant others are getting out of here.

[Gabrius]

We're going to get that deep dish hot dog, pizza. Get in the fucking car.

[Nick Weiger]

Hi. What's your name? What's your question? Hi, I'm Jenn N. I'm actually Jen from the DO Score.

[Gabrius]

Wow.

[Nick Weiger]

Hi, Jen. Hi.

[Gabrius]

Hi, all.

[Nick Weiger]

Jen. Hi, all DO Skarters. Jen, do you know Joe Chapter? No, I don't know him at all. Okay. It's a really cool sweater you got there. Yeah, it's a goose that says, Wow. I love it. Wow. Wow. That's cool as hell. Thank you. So there was that Campbell's soup ad where a snowman melts into a little

[Mike Mitchell]

boy as he's eating Campbell's soup. What would you eat to melt you

[Nick Weiger]

back in this cold? So the conceit is you are now a little boy.

[Gabrius]

Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

And you're tired of that. You're tired of being flesh and bone. You want to return to being snow. He was a snowman, and then his mom serves him Campbell's soup and he turns into a little boy. Okay, so you guys are Snowmen. And what would you do? Okay, I added a layer of complication to it. You're not saying. You're not saying they've already turned from a snowman into a boy and they want to go back to being a snowman. You're just saying we're the snowman and we're going to turn into us. What is the food that we would eat that would warm our hearts so

[Mike Mitchell]

that we are no longer returning back to snowmen?

[Nick Weiger]

No, no, no, no.

[Gabrius]

That's what I.

[Nick Weiger]

That's what I thought was that. I thought the premise was. I was wrong. We are snowmen, and we're turning into.

[Gabrius]

What would you eat to turn into soup?

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, so something that we would eat that to turn us into little boys.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, we would be.

[Nick Weiger]

We're snowmen, and we're gonna turn into little boy versions of ourselves.

[Mike Mitchell]

I don't trust that you're gonna eat yours. I'm gonna eat mine. Be a little boy with you.

[Nick Weiger]

Hey, I'm a snowman.

[Gabrius]

Hang out.

[Nick Weiger]

You guys can turn back into men. Turn us back into men. Okay. We're not turning into little boys.

[Mike Mitchell]

I don't want to leave these sweet pubes of mine.

[Gabrius]

They are. Get myself a little something sweet.

[Nick Weiger]

I have an answer for you. It is something that is an icy treat, but also with a little bit of heat. A hot fudge sundae. I feel like if I had a brownie hot fudge sundae with, like, a warm brownie and some warm hot fudge.

[Mike Mitchell]

I feel like you're gonna be half snowman, half boy.

[Gabrius]

No, I think I would.

[Nick Weiger]

I think it would be like, like, like, oh, it's kind of cold, so it's easing me into it. Like, I'm, like, flicking my hand into the shower nozzle. You know what I mean? I'm just, like, testing the temperature a little bit and be like, oh, oh, yeah, it's warm. Warm is okay. And then once I'm accustomed to it, then I melt into my man form.

[Mike Mitchell]

You melt into your man form?

[Gabrius]

Yeah. That's the premise of the question.

[Nick Weiger]

How do we turn from snowman to man?

[Gabrius]

We clearly have the question sorted out.

[Mike Mitchell]

I've decided I want to be a little boy when I melt.

[Nick Weiger]

I don't if I have the answer, if that's the option. I'd rather be a little boy, too, because it would give me more life.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's true. Can we. Can we be little boys?

[Nick Weiger]

Can I fix the mistakes that I made in the past?

[Gabrius]

Sure.

[Nick Weiger]

You can be little boys if you want.

[Mike Mitchell]

Thank you.

[Nick Weiger]

Okay.

[Gabrius]

Oh, that changes my answer. Cause I was gonna say I would eat pussy

[Nick Weiger]

to turn into a little boy.

[Mike Mitchell]

What a surprise for that lady. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

Was to turn into a man. Well, first of all, this lady brought a snowman home. I'm assuming I'm in her house. We could be in her car. And I'm going down on her. And she sees. And I'm melting my carrot nose. My top hat falls off.

[Mike Mitchell]

Then you got a little spitty hat. You're a boy.

[Gabrius]

No, I'm a man. The original conceit was we become men. And so as my son.

[Mike Mitchell]

You're sick. This is a sick question. I refuse to answer it. You know what? I'd eat a sport pepper, baby.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow. Good pander, Mitch.

[Gabrius]

Thank you, Jen.

[Nick Weiger]

Thank you, Jen. Great question. All right, who's next? Wow. With the Cubs hat and the Buc ee's T shirt. Hi, what's your name? Brian. Hi, Brian. What's your question?

[Mike Mitchell]

Are you guys familiar with the difference between regular deep dish and stuffed Chicago style pizza?

[Nick Weiger]

Please explain stuffed Chicago style.

[Mike Mitchell]

I grew up thinking that stuffed was deep dish. And first time I had Lumali Malnati. Sorry. I was very disappointed because it was mostly bread.

[Nick Weiger]

We're at Giordano's Stuffed Pizza.

[Mike Mitchell]

We cut them off. Or even better, Chicago's. And that's the name of the restaurant.

[Gabrius]

Open till 4 o' clock in the

[Mike Mitchell]

5, I think actually 4 or 5 o' clock in the fucking morning, which is excellent. They make a pizza that's stuffed with cheese and sausage and the ingredients. So it's kind of like a real pie where the crust is just thin around the edges. Oh, wow.

[Gabrius]

And the pizza is like a cake

[Nick Weiger]

of meat and cheese. So that's like not what you'd get. Like a Lumal Naughty or a Pequods. That's like a deep dishwats.

[Mike Mitchell]

I had to do very good. Yeah, but Chicago is like, why did you so much? But do you live in Chicago? I live in Plano, Texas. Holy.

[Gabrius]

Wait, why would you.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm a die hard. I'm more than a Democrat.

[Gabrius]

I'm liberal as.

[Mike Mitchell]

Give me a break. Donald Trump. No parody noise.

[Gabrius]

Separate the art from the artist. So.

[Mike Mitchell]

But you guys released this show first. And I grew up here and I was like, I'm going to Chicago to watch the Doughboys. And then two weeks later, you. You don't get mad at us. You should have waited two weeks.

[Nick Weiger]

What the.

[Gabrius]

You have to go on tour.

[Mike Mitchell]

He doesn't. We went crazy.

[Nick Weiger]

You got to see Chicago. How nice is that?

[Gabrius]

Wonderful.

[Nick Weiger]

Great town.

[Mike Mitchell]

I went to Mr. Beef Pequots and I went to Red Hot Ranch because I'm a stalker today.

[Nick Weiger]

What's the consensus among Chicagoans? Do we, like, applaud for deep dish over stuffed? Applaud for stuffed over deep dish.

[Mike Mitchell]

Okay.

[Gabrius]

Wow. Okay.

[Nick Weiger]

So that's the thing.

[Mike Mitchell]

I've never.

[Gabrius]

A lot of people, much like America, didn't vote at all, and that's why we're here.

[Mike Mitchell]

I never. I've never had stuffed pizza. I guess it's very good.

[Gabrius]

I would like it.

[Mike Mitchell]

I gotta try it.

[Nick Weiger]

I've.

[Mike Mitchell]

I mean, you can't have a lot of it, obviously.

[Gabrius]

We had, like, a smaller version of that on Long island growing up. Like a stromboli pizza.

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, that sounds fun.

[Gabrius]

It's like. I know it's not the same thing. My job is to say stuff.

[Nick Weiger]

No, it's not the.

[Gabrius]

I know it's not deep dish. It's not Chicago, but it was fucking awesome. It was only, like. So the idea of an even thicker meat pie with sauce that works for Uncle Gabris. I gotta try that.

[Mike Mitchell]

It's much better. I don't like Luke Maldadi.

[Nick Weiger]

Sorry. I know.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm. I think that's. I think that's a tourist trap.

[Nick Weiger]

Really?

[Gabrius]

And a shout out.

[Mike Mitchell]

I'm from Homewood, so a shout out to Aurelios. Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

Wow.

[Mike Mitchell]

I can't tell if they hate you or like you, but you should leave with the St. Louis Indiana girls. Emo's pizza, if you remember that, that's St. Louis pizza.

[Gabrius]

That's. They told us about it today.

[Nick Weiger]

Yeah.

[Mike Mitchell]

You're just now saying restaurants also, which is a big part of our podcast.

[Gabrius]

You can't, after seven minutes say also.

[Mike Mitchell]

They're filming a movie in river north and the signs say fugitive, so it looks like they're rebooting the Fugitive, which is hilarious.

[Gabrius]

It is a TV series.

[Mike Mitchell]

Wait, really?

[Gabrius]

Yeah. It's the origin story of the One Armed Man. We're going to learn how he's not acting actually evil. It was circumstantial. And Cruella de Vil, she didn't want to kill a hundred dogs. Sorry. So, short answer. No. We don't know the difference.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah.

[Nick Weiger]

Thanks, Brian.

[Mike Mitchell]

I like PIs. I used to like Paisano's. Do people still like Paisano's Pizza here in Chicago? Is their owner Maga, too?

[Nick Weiger]

We have one more question. You got the McDonald's also.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's on you guys. Every restaurant. Restaurant where you bring up has a MAGA owner. It's like, well, there might be something wrong with Chicago, maybe.

[Gabrius]

Might be something wrong with the small business owners of America is what it is.

[Nick Weiger]

Hi. What's your name? What's your question? My name is Kevin. My question is, is Santa more famous than Mike Ditka?

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, my God.

[Nick Weiger]

Is Santa more famous than. Wait, what's the other one?

[Gabrius]

Now? Is this. This is calling back to the Griffin Newman episode.

[Nick Weiger]

Is this Chicago specific? Or do you mean global within Chicago? Is Ditka more. I mean, this is like a. This is like a thing. The super fans would debate this.

[Mike Mitchell]

The super fans would debate this.

[Nick Weiger]

Is Ditka more famous than Santa? Here's the thing. Ditka also had a little bit of a MAGA turn, right? Didn't he turn.

[Gabrius]

No one brought that up. When we said his name, everyone's like, don't eat dairy.

[Mike Mitchell]

He's the fucking.

[Gabrius]

He's like, what about the dick? Well, you know,

[Mike Mitchell]

Santa voted Trump only in the first election, so he's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah.

[Gabrius]

They elected.

[Mike Mitchell]

Excuse me. Santa.

[Nick Weiger]

What?

[Mike Mitchell]

Oh, concussion. Santa's gotten too many concussions.

[Nick Weiger]

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. He's sliding down a lot of champions.

[Mike Mitchell]

Yeah, yeah. He's. Yeah. I'm gonna go. Santa's more famous.

[Nick Weiger]

More famous than Ditka? I think so.

[Mike Mitchell]

Get the out of here.

[Nick Weiger]

That's our show. John Gabri, Emma Herdrake, Amelia Marino, Mike

[Gabrius]

Mitchell, Nick Wider than Adelyn Tristan Halle.

[Nick Weiger]

Never the dead theater. Until next time, this movement of Mitchell Tiger Warrior. I've eaten. Thank you.

[Mike Mitchell]

Thank you, Chicago. You guys are awesome. Thank you. See you tomorrow. And oh,

[Gabrius]

Bad boys are bad and you know they can never be whack the fat boys are bad we like to do sad boys.

[Nick Weiger]

Hi, I am Mandy Moore.

[Mike Mitchell]

Sterling K. Brown. And I'm Chris Sullivan. And we host the podcast that Was Us now on Headgum.

[Nick Weiger]

Each episod, we're gonna go into a deep dive from our show. This is us.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's right.

[Nick Weiger]

We're gonna go episode by episode. We're also gonna pepper in episodes with different guest stars and writers and casting directors.

[Mike Mitchell]

Are we gonna cry? Yes.

[Nick Weiger]

A little bit.

[Mike Mitchell]

Are we gonna laugh a lot. A lot.

[Nick Weiger]

A whole lot.

[Mike Mitchell]

That's what I'm hoping, man. Listen to.

[Gabrius]

That. Was us on your favorite podcast app.

[Mike Mitchell]

Or watch full video episodes on YouTube or Spotify. New episodes every Tuesday.

[Nick Weiger]

Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville.

[Gabrius]

And I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Nick Weiger]

Welcome to Jackass, the podcast, A new show coming to, coming to.

[Gabrius]

That's what it is. Hello, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and I'm Jeff Tremaine.

[Nick Weiger]

Welcome to Jackass the Podcast, a new show now on Headgum. Woo hoo. Woo.

[Gabrius]

I've learned a Jackass movie has to be really 90 minutes. Every minute over is a minute to go.

[Nick Weiger]

Apparently there's only so much butthole you can take. We're gonna take you behind the scenes of our entire history. All the best bits, bad behavior and even worse decisions. All of it. Sometimes we don't make the right decisions. Jeff.

[Gabrius]

I noticed that every every so often

[Nick Weiger]

with guests like Spike Jones.

[Gabrius]

I think let's commit to Jackass the podcast. What was it gonna be called? The Jackass Podcast. Jackass Podcast. Without you, the IQ drop up significantly.

[Nick Weiger]

Steve O. There's a strong chance that were it not for Jackass, that I would be in clown makeup right this minute. Chris Ponus.

[Gabrius]

That shot of your butt just cruising up, I'm like, yeah, I got that on tv. God bless us.

[Nick Weiger]

Dave England.

[Gabrius]

Yeah, when you come in and you're

[Mike Mitchell]

being really nice, I'm like, damn it, something bad's going to happen to me.

[Nick Weiger]

We man.

[Gabrius]

Jeff grabbed me from the back of the head head and threw a punch. The whole bar just stopped and wanted

[Mike Mitchell]

to kill me like.

[Nick Weiger]

And some of the crew that's been with us from the beginning.

[Gabrius]

I had to share a room with this guy and I left a nice surprise in the toilet for him every time.

[Nick Weiger]

Apparently he hates to flush. Subscribe to Jackass the podcast on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocket Cast, or wherever the hell you get podcasts.

[Gabrius]

Our new episodes drop on Ghost June 18th. Look out for new episodes in your feed every Thursday.

[Nick Weiger]

Watch video episodes on YouTube and follow along with us on Instagram and tick tock@jackassthepodcast. What were we just talking about? Probably buttholes.

[Mike Mitchell]

You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com, answer some questions and you'll get a quick quote with discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can enjoy a little cash back. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. National average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary. That was a Headgum podcast.