A Marital Crisis

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: “A Marital Crisis”

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Air Date: July 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode of “The Dr. Laura Podcast,” Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a very personal and challenging marital issue with a caller, Kathy. The main theme centers on discovering a hidden behavior in a long-term marriage—specifically, a husband cross-dressing in secret—and the emotional aftermath, questions of trust, and the difficult decisions that follow such a revelation. Dr. Laura offers her signature no-nonsense advice, focusing on emotional honesty, clear choices, and self-respect.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Kathy’s Dilemma: A Hidden Secret in a Long Marriage

• Caller Kathy reveals she recently discovered that her husband of 23 years dresses in drag when she’s away. She noticed hints before, such as him preferring women’s underwear for comfort, but the full extent (wigs, fake breasts, nails) was a shock to her.
  • [02:13] Kathy: “I recently discovered that he dresses in drag when I go out of town.”
  • [02:34] Kathy: “He said he liked to wear women's underwear because they were more comfortable. But I never saw him... Apparently, he was dressed in full drag with the wig and fake boobs and then nails and everything, which I find very shocking.”

2. Is This a Breach of Trust?

• Kathy feels betrayed and questions if this is a permanent breach of marital trust.
• Dr. Laura reframes the idea of “breach of trust,” suggesting the issue is more about Kathy’s emotional response and her husband’s psychological compulsion rather than classic infidelity.
  • [03:08] Dr. Laura: “If the man has a psychological problem in which he receives pleasure and a drop in anxiety, a calmness and a great feeling, cross dressing, that's not a trust issue. He's compelled to do this.”
  • [03:44] Dr. Laura (on hints in the past): “The women's underwear was a hint. I guess he was testing you.”
  • [04:09] Dr. Laura: “He didn't tell you because he didn't want to lose his marriage.”

3. Emotional Impact and Marital Viability

• Dr. Laura urges Kathy to move beyond the resentment and focus on how the revelation is affecting her emotional and physical attraction to her husband.

  • [04:17] Dr. Laura: “How is it affecting you emotionally, looking at him as a man having sex, feeling competitive with his femininity?”
  • Kathy responds: “I really don't want him to touch me right now.” [04:44]
  • Dr. Laura: “Do you imagine that will change in the future? That you will be okay with that image and knowledge?” [04:51]
  • Kathy: “That's what I've been thinking a lot about. There. That's a tough one.” [05:03]

• Dr. Laura bluntly clarifies:

  • [05:15] Dr. Laura: “You don't want them to touch you. Large part of the marriage is over.”
  • [05:45] Dr. Laura: “He married you under false pretenses... The fairness was pushed against you, woman, 15 years ago or 12 or whatever the hell. This is his. He did this. You never had the chance to make a choice.”

4. Moral Responsibility and Fairness

• The show dives into who carries the ethical responsibility for the current crisis:

  • [05:55] Dr. Laura: “He did a horrendous thing not telling you about this so you could make a choice to marry him or not. That was horrible.”

• Kathy wonders what else might be hidden. Dr. Laura cautions against spiraling in suspicion but stresses the seriousness of deception:

  • [10:18] Dr. Laura: “People who do things like that with drug addiction or whatever where they have six illegitimate kids and they're not going to tell you about it for 10 years, you know these things are wrong.”
  • [10:31] Dr. Laura: “It's nothing else. You don't need to look for more. Do you think you need to look for more to make a decision?...That's just the way we try not to make a decision.”

5. Making a Decision: “Between Now and Dead”

• Dr. Laura presents her signature “between now and dead” question, urging Kathy to make a decision about her future rather than delay or avoid:
  • [09:15] Dr. Laura: “Between now and dead is the way you need to look at this, correct?... Do you want to be as you are today?”
  • Kathy: “No.” [09:43]
  • Dr. Laura: “Then that's your answer. That's why I ask people that, between now and dead, because it makes it very clear.” [09:45]
  • Kathy: “Because I'm not getting any younger, you know, I'm physically active... I don't want to deal with this resentment and the fact that he hid this horrible secret from me...” [11:49]

6. Empowerment and Freedom

• Dr. Laura helps Kathy realize she doesn’t need to feel guilty for moving on or for her feelings:
  • [05:42] Dr. Laura: “You're not withholding anything. You're freaking turned off. There's a difference. You gotta learn to say things as they are.”
  • [12:28] Kathy: “It makes me feel free to. Freer to make a decision.”
  • [12:36] Kathy: “Like, okay, I can't continue this. I want to be free. Of this. I want my own life.”
  • [12:47] Dr. Laura: “Okay. Alrighty. I do appreciate that you called.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura on honesty in relationships:
  • [05:45] “He married you under false pretenses... He did this. You never had the chance to make a choice.”
• Dr. Laura’s guiding framework:
  • [09:15] “Between now and dead is the way you need to look at this, correct?... Do you want to be as you are today?”
• Kathy’s moment of clarity:
  • [12:28] “It makes me feel free to. Freer to make a decision.”
• Dr. Laura on the essence of the problem:
  • [05:42] “You're not withholding anything. You're freaking turned off.”

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Key Timestamps

| Timestamp | Topic / Quote | |-----------|-------------| | 02:13 | Kathy reveals the secret: husband's cross-dressing | | 03:08 | Dr. Laura reframes “trust breach” as a psychological compulsion | | 04:17 | Dr. Laura focuses Kathy on her emotional response | | 05:15 | Dr. Laura: “Large part of the marriage is over” | | 05:45 | “He married you under false pretenses...” | | 09:15 | “Between now and dead is the way you need to look at this” | | 09:43 | Kathy admits she doesn’t want to stay as things are | | 12:28 | Kathy feels freer to make a decision | | 12:36 | “I want my own life” |

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Tone & Style

Dr. Laura’s approach in this episode is characteristically direct, unsentimental, and supportive of clarity and self-respect. Her blunt questions and reframing provoke real introspection for Kathy, steering her away from guilt and toward honest decision-making.

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Summary

This episode is a candid look at how to face a deeply personal marital crisis—what happens when a partner hides a fundamental truth for decades, and how it upends trust, intimacy, and self-image. Dr. Laura quickly steers the conversation from blame to reality, helping Kathy see that her path forward must be based on her own emotional truth, not a sense of obligation or misplaced guilt. The episode is emblematic of Dr. Laura’s philosophy: life is too short (“between now and dead”) to accept a reality that makes you miserable or to stay inauthentic in your closest relationship. For anyone struggling with late-in-marriage revelations or questions about fairness, trust, and personal boundaries, this podcast offers hard-won wisdom and pragmatic clarity.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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And connect with me 24 [e-mail] Kathy,

welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. Thanks for taking the call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you.

[Caller]

I've listened to you for a long time. Kind of nervous, but my dog's keeping me calm.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good.

[Caller]

I'm calling about an issue with my husband. We've been married for 23 years, and I recently discovered that he dresses in drag when I go out of town.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And only recently, not for the two decades prior.

[Caller]

Well, the two decades prior, I noticed some things, like he said he liked to wear women's underwear because they were more comfortable. But I never saw him, you know, because he was. Apparently, he was dressed in full drag with the wig and fake boobs and then nails and everything, which I find very shocking. And anyways, so he says that he's not going to do it anymore, but I feel like it's almost A permanent breach of trust. And I.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How is really a breach of trust? How is this a breach? How is it trust gets in here? Well, if the man has a psychological problem in which he receives pleasure and a drop in anxiety, a calmness and a great feeling, cross dressing, that's not a trust issue. He's compelled to do this.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay. But he never told me that this is. He tried to hide it from me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, the women's underwear was a hint. I guess he was testing you.

[Caller]

Yeah. And I guess I just accepted it

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

because you didn't want to ask any further questions, which is understandable. And he didn't tell you because he didn't want to lose his marriage.

[Caller]

And he still doesn't want to. But I'm finding it very tough and I feel a lot of resentment. So.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, drop the resentment. Stop turning it into, he didn't tell me, he didn't ask and he said he wouldn't do it anymore. And blah, blah, blah. Drop all of that. How is it affecting you emotionally, looking at him as a man having sex, feeling competitive with his femininity? I mean, what is this emotionally doing to you? The rest of it is just you still avoiding looking at it,

[Caller]

Right? Well, at this point, I really don't want him to touch me right now.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Do you imagine that will change in the future? That you will be okay with that image and knowledge?

[Caller]

That's what I've been thinking a lot about. There. That's a tough one.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, but that's the core issue here. You don't want them to touch you. Large part of the marriage is over.

[Caller]

Exactly. And. And then another part of me says it's not fair to him. Right. And why is that not fair to him?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't understand the fairness to him. What are you talking about?

[Caller]

That I'm withholding? You know?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're not withholding anything.

You're freaking turned off.

There's a difference. You gotta learn to say things as they are. It's not a sexy thought. Him in full drag with a bra and stockings, period. No, it's not how you want to envision your man now. The fairness comes in. He knew this when he married you. He married you under false pretenses. He didn't give you enough of the story so that you could make a decision at that time as to whether or not you. You could and would accept this. The fairness was pushed against you, woman, 15 years ago or 12 or whatever the hell.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This is his. He did this. You never had the chance to make a choice

[Caller]

Yep.

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[Stephen Dubner]

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[Caller]

Yes. So I guess my dilemma Is I need to poop or get off the pot?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, pretty much. And between now and dead is the way you need to look at this, correct? Yes. I know you're older, so it would be being alone or trying to find somebody or being cool with being alone with friends and activities if you didn't want to stay. Okay, but between now and dead, do you want to be as you are today?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Then that's your answer. That's why I ask people that, between now and dead, because it makes it very clear.

[Caller]

It does.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But he did a horrendous thing not telling you about this so you could make a choice to marry him or not. That was horrible. People who do things like that with drug addiction or whatever where they have six illegitimate kids and they're not going to tell you about it for 10 years, you know these things are wrong.

[Caller]

Yeah, exactly. It kind of makes me wonder what else he has hidden from me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It may be nothing else.

[Freakonomics Radio Announcer]

It's possible.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's nothing else. You don't need to look for more. Do you think you need to look

for more to make a decision?

We have to find six other things. Come on. That's just the way we try not to make a decision. Well, there could be more. And I would feel more justified if there were more.

[Caller]

All right. And he continues to act like nothing happened. Like.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, I assume so. Don't be surprised by that. He's hoping you'll just let it go. He needs to cross dress. His psyche needs it. And he wants you. A need and a want. So you have to decide your needs and your wants. But between now and dead is sooner than you think. So don't waste time.

[Caller]

I'm not going to waste time. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Does make it seem different, doesn't it?

[Caller]

When you put it that way, yes, it does. It does.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

In what way did it become immediately different to you in terms of making a decision?

[Caller]

Well, because I'm not getting any younger, you know, I'm physically active and I'm not really looking for another relationship. If it happens, that's great. But you know, I. I don't want to. I don't want to deal with this resentment and the fact that he hid this horrible secret from me, you know, and I kind of ignored some of it for a while too, so I don't want to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

When I say to you, between now and dead, how does that change your thinking?

[Caller]

It makes me feel free to. Freer to make a decision.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How so?

[Caller]

Like, okay, I can't continue this. I want to be free. Of this. I want my own life.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Alrighty. I do appreciate that you called.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome. My number, 1-800-375-2872.

If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your

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[Freakonomics Radio Announcer]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No nonsense advice about relationships, marriage, kids, tough love.

It happened is not a phrase anybody uses when they take responsibility.

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Inspiration.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Every time you go to bed with

a negative thought, you have to match it up with a positive one.

That's your new rule.

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Dr. Laura. Weekdays at 2pm east on SiriusXM Triumph 123 and on the Sirius XM app.

[Stephen Dubner]

Hey there, it's Stephen Dubner, host of Freakonomics Radio. And we have just made a new show, a TV talk show. It's called Better in Person. We have the kind of guests you don't see on every other show and we have the kind of conversations you don't hear anywhere back. I'm like, yes, chef.

[Freakonomics Radio Announcer]

Be one with the pork.

You have the opportunity to make this little corner of the world into your ideal world, your dream world.

[Stephen Dubner]

You can watch Better in Person on the Freakonomics YouTube channel. You'll find a new episode there every week.

[Freakonomics Radio Announcer]

This is how a conversation works.

[Angie Hicks]

Hi, I'm Angie Hicks, co founder of Angie. One thing I've learned is that you buy a house, but you make it a home. For decades, Angie's helped millions of homeowners hire skilled pros for their projects that matter. Angie the one you trust to find the ones you trust. Find a pro for your [e-mail].