A Misalignment in Communication

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: A Misalignment in Communication
Date: June 23, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guests: Paula & Zane

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger helps a newlywed couple, Paula and Zane, navigate an emotional disagreement stemming from a seemingly innocent comment about art and career choices. The discussion centers on how intentions and feelings can diverge in relationships—especially around sensitive topics like personal achievement and support. Dr. Laura delves into the root causes of the couple’s misunderstanding, offering candid advice about communication, emotional triggers, and the importance of benefit of the doubt in marriage.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background: Who Are Paula and Zane?

• Age & Marital History
  • Zane: 71 years old
  • Paula: 68 years old
  • Married for “just short of two years,” both with prior marriages (Paula: 2 previous, children only from first marriage)
  • [01:44–02:32]
• Reason for the Call:
  • Paula and Zane recently had a disagreement following a comment Zane made about a friend who paints windows for a living—Paula, also an art degree holder, took offense.
  • [02:35–02:55]

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2. The Triggering Conversation

• Zane’s Statement:
  • Mentioned a friend with an art degree who paints windows professionally.
  • “Pretty much. ... That’s as far as it really ever gotten at any time in the past.” [03:49–03:51, 09:21]
• Paula’s Reaction:
  • Felt the statement diminished her own art degree and life choices; interpreted it as Zane implying she hasn’t lived up to her potential.
  • Expresses being “offended” by the recurring mention of this friend. [04:04–04:13, 12:20–12:56]

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3. Intentions vs. Interpretation

• Dr. Laura’s Early Assessment:
  • Asks Paula, “What emotion could anybody have over a statement of fact?” [04:01]
  • Pushes both to clarify Zane’s intention—“Do you want him to paint our windows? What is your intention in telling me that?” [05:37–05:39]
• Paula’s Perspective:
  • Admits to feeling insecure about not utilizing her art degree; acknowledges her emotional response.
  • “That’s my feeling. ... I am (hypersensitive).” [12:56, 13:11]
• Zane’s Explanation:
  • Claims intent was to encourage/support Paula’s interests, especially post-retirement: “That she could do that too. ... it would be great.” [09:38]
  • Dr. Laura challenges the supportive intent if it wasn’t followed by genuine offers of help: “That's being supportive. ... Telling her you have a friend from college who does it is snarky.” [10:32–10:51]

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4. Dr. Laura’s Core Advice & Analysis

• On Giving the Benefit of the Doubt:
  • “When we love somebody and make a commitment to them, one of the rules of the game is you give them the benefit of the doubt.” [04:47]
• On Feelings and Communication:
  • “Feelings have no IQ and they're very changeable. If you’re feeling insecure about your degree compared to his friend, that’s your thing, right? He was trying to get you some help.” [13:12]
• On Being Supportive vs. “Snarky”:
  • Real support involves concrete offers, not indirect comparison: “If your intention was to be supportive...let me help—that’s how a husband behaves. Not rubbing it in her face...” [10:32–10:51]
• On Self-Perception and Projection:
  • “It’s not a bad thing. So basically, Zane, Paula was thinking less of herself and she thought you did too.” [15:40]
• How Paula Might Respond Instead:
  • “I’d love to hear how he could help. ... Does he have a studio? Can we go visit his studio?” [13:44–13:51]

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Notable Quotes (with Timestamps and Speaker Attribution)

• Dr. Laura:
  • “When we love somebody and make a commitment to them, one of the rules of the game is you give them the benefit of the doubt.” [04:47]
  • “Feelings have no IQ and they're very changeable.” [13:12]
  • “That’s being supportive. ... Telling her that you have a friend from college who does it is snarky.” [10:51]
  • “So basically, Zane, Paula was thinking less of herself and she thought you did too.” [15:40]
• Paula:
  • “I take offense...Kind of makes me feel like I haven't used my art degree all these years. Which...true. And that's my feeling.” [12:56]
  • “I am [hypersensitive].” [13:11]
  • “We have a good marriage.” [14:56]
• Zane:
  • “I was only trying to help and we didn’t get to that point. So it makes absolute sense.” [15:48]
  • “Okay? Okay. I'm here to support her, and whatever she wants to do is fine.” [16:09]

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Key Moments & Timestamps

• Caller Introduction and Marital Background: [01:44–02:32]
• The Original Statement and Its Intent: [03:07–03:51]
• Dr. Laura’s Challenge on Intentions & “Snarkiness”: [09:44–10:51]
• Discussion of Paula’s Feelings & Insecurity: [12:20–13:12]
• Resolution Advice – How to Respond Supportively: [13:44–13:51]
• Acknowledge and Celebrate Growth and Support: [15:36–16:21]
• Show Close with Couple’s Positive Affirmation: [16:32–16:49]

---

Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura bluntly asks Paula, “Do you think Zane is a shit?” leading to laughter and honest confessions about mutual irritations in marriage. [04:31–04:47]
• The host prompts the couple to express affection on air: “Let me hear a kiss between the two of you.” [16:36–16:49]
• Both Paula and Zane affirm their commitment to each other and willingness to improve communication, closing the call on a light, loving note.

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Final Takeaways

• Miscommunications often stem from old insecurities and can be resolved by clarifying intentions and offering direct support.
• Dr. Laura advocates for giving loved ones the “benefit of the doubt,” checking our own emotional reactions, and finding positive, supportive ways to communicate—especially within marriage.
• It’s not “wrong” to feel, but it’s important to learn from feelings and channel them toward constructive dialogue.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Hi guys. How old is everybody? How long have you been married?

[B]

I'm 71.

[C]

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm 68.

[A]

Married. How long?

[B]

Just short of two years.

[A]

Oh, you're newlyweds. Basically, you're newlyweds. And Paula, were you married before and had kids?

[C]

Yes, two grown kids, married twice, married very young for 13 years and then married 25 years in my 30s. No children there, just with my first one.

[A]

How can I help?

[B]

Go ahead, Paula.

[C]

Okay, I have feelings because I'm a woman. He's a man, he has intentions. We recently, just about 30 minutes ago, had a run in on his intentions of a statement and my feelings regarding a statement. Right, Zane, Go for it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. Zane, what was your. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Zane, what was your statement and what was your intention of your statement?

[B]

Well, what I was saying is a friend of mine and this has come up before, but it's never been completed. Okay. A friend of mine has an art degree and he has painted windows for a living. And that's usually as far as it gets. And then Paula took offense at that because she too has an art degree, but she's worked office jobs and everything else. And. And this morning.

[A]

Wait, wait, wait.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Literally all you said was, I have a friend who paints windows. That's it?

[B]

Pretty much.

[A]

No, not pretty much. Okay. Paula.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What emotion could anybody have over a statement of fact?

[C]

Okay, well, because I have an art

[A]

degree and who cares about your art degree? All he did was tell you his friend paints windows, Right?

[C]

He said, why? And I take it. Let me just explain how I feel. And that's why. Okay.

[A]

May I ask you something before you do that? Do you think Zayn is a.

[C]

What? I beg your pardon?

[A]

Do you think Zane is a shit?

[C]

Oh, yes, I do.

[A]

You think Zane is a shit?

[C]

Occasionally he can be very a shit. Yes. And so can I be a shit.

[A]

When we love somebody and make a commitment to them, one of the rules of the game is you give them benefit of the doubt. Unless the balance of being a shit and not being a shit is so far into being a shit that you had to pack your bags and understand this is your third failed marriage.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So if he's a shit now and then, and you are a shit now and then, then since that's such a small amount of the time that you are together. The rule of a loving commitment is you give the benefit of the doubt that he means nothing bad at this moment.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Now you can always say. Are you telling me that. I'm not sure I know why you're telling me that. Do you want him to paint our windows? I don't know. What do you want me to understand? Because you said men have intentions, then it behooves us to ask the intention of telling me that. So, Zane, let me play. Paula. Zane, honey, what is your intention of letting me know that your friend has. Has an art degree and he paints windows? What is your intention in telling me that? Go ahead, Zane. As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health? It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lily Ladies, if you're in that phase where your body's just doing new things, sleep's weird, energy's weird, cravings also weird. You're not alone. It's totally normal. Menopause and perimenopause just means your body needs a little support and and sprouts makes that support easier so you can start feeling more like you. Tons of fresh organic produce for fiber, sprouts, protein and creatine to keep your muscles and bones strong and your energy up. And supplements that can help you manage mood shifts. So whether it's perimenopause, menopause, or any other health journey, it's easier at Sprouts Farmer's Market. Here's some common sense advice. Your body needs support to function properly, including your vaginal health. And that includes maintaining a healthy PH balance. New Azo Vaginal Probiotic Mini Chews helps keep that healthy bacterial balance and that helps keep yeast and odor in check. It's great tasting, easy to take, and no pill means no water. That makes it simple to add to your daily routine. And simplicity is how good habits stick. Visit eizoproducts.com for product details, usage instructions and safety information.

[D]

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[B]

Okay. On past occasions she's seen, you know, sign paintings and things like window paintings and so on. She says I can do that. And I had mentioned, you know, that Shane, the guy I went to school with, has made a living doing that and that's as far as it's really ever gotten at any time in the past.

[A]

And I understand that's as far. Woo hoo. Woo hoo. What was your intention in telling her this? Because I understand it wasn't the first time. So what did you want her to know or understand in telling her this again?

[B]

That she could do that, too. And you know that it would be great. It would be great.

[A]

Then you didn't have. No, no, no, no. Then you didn't have a good intention.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Ooh.

[A]

Because if she wants to paint windows, she'll do it. She doesn't want to do it. If she says, I could do that, but she doesn't do it. So what? I don't know. Are you egging her on because you want her to do it? Are you thinking she's boring because she's not doing enough?

[B]

No, I don't.

[A]

I don't know what it is. Because it's not the first time you brought it up, correct?

[B]

Yes, but it's always been in response to her saying something about somebody painting a window, and she could do that.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

At that point, you say nothing. There was no point. No. You didn't say, if you want to do it, do it. I'll back you up. I'll help you buy the glass. I'll help you buy the paint. That's being supportive. Telling her that you have a friend from college who does it is snarky. If you really want to be supportive

[B]

at that point of the conversation, sir,

[A]

I do this for a living. You're going to have to trust me a little bit. It's snarky. It wasn't the first time. And if your intention was to be supportive of her, then you say, hey, let's go to a store and buy what you need. If you'd like to do that, let me help. That's how a husband behaves. Not rubbing it in her face that this guy does it twice. Because she says she doesn't, but she doesn't do anything about it. That was snarky.

[B]

All right. But there's a context today that changes all of that.

[A]

Oh, tell me the context that changes all of that.

[B]

Okay. She has since retired a month ago, and now she has the opportunity to do it regardless. She went this morning, saw a gentleman doing that. He told her, you know, that he made good money, good cash money doing that. She told me. And she was asking about, you know, the supplies and what he used and so on, and I said, well, I can call.

[C]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What do you mean, no?

[C]

I. I was researching it on my phone. I said, I'm going to do this. I was looking at examples on my phone, and I said, oh. He said, well, I can't call my Friend, I said no need. I've already researched it. I know what I need. So I already taken care of it. I'm already doing. I'm already going to do it. I take offense that I. I feel now this isn't his intention. Evidently that ever he's. This the fourth time he's done it that he tells me. Well, you know, I have a friend and he makes a living and he also has an art degree. Kind of makes me feel like I haven't used my art degree in all these years. Which. True.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And that's my feeling. Okay.

[A]

Zane is correct. The current situation makes you look a little hypersensitive, dear.

[C]

I am. Yeah.

[A]

And don't be proud that we have feelings. We shouldn't lead with them because feelings have no IQ and they're very changeable. And if you're feeling. Feeling insecure about your degree compared to his friend, that's your thing, right? He was trying to get you some help.

[C]

You're right. That's why we called you.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

How should I have said it?

[D]

Sure.

[A]

I'd love to hear how he could help. Sure. I. I'd love to hear how he could help.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Does he have a studio? Can we go visit his studio?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

It's not difficult to start feeling competitive in just about any situation. And I don't know your history. I don't know your history with your dad. I don't know your history with your husbands of the past. Don't know any of that. But that you took offense at it doesn't mean it was wrong. It means it telegraphed that, gee, I'm taking care of it. I want to feel special. I want you to look at me as special. I want you to see me as more special than you see your friend. These are normal things. We want our dearly beloved to see us. That's very special.

[C]

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I see both sides. I really do. Thank you. That's why we called you. We have a good marriage.

[A]

I believe you do. But tell Zayn. And by the way, the next time he says something and your feelings are hurt because you think his intent is to put you down to make you feel less. Understand two things. It's probably you already feeling less.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

You already feeling like you didn't use your degree. You feeling like you're catching up. But if you haven't used your degree and you are catching up, that's fabulous. That's not a negative. That's a positive. Honey. That is a positive. Okay.

[C]

We're celebrating. Thank you.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

It's not a bad thing. So basically, Zayn, Paula was thinking less of herself and she thought you did too.

[B]

Okay, that. That makes. That makes sense. I was only trying to help and we didn't get to that point. So it makes absolute sense.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So, Zane, I'm going to ask you to be a little attentive at how sometimes Paula puts herself down a little bit.

[B]

Okay? Okay. I'm here to support her and whatever she wants to do is fine. And you know, she's retired. She can do whatever she wants to do now.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

But you understand she was feeling like you were thinking about her the way she sometimes thinks of herself less than I do now.

[B]

Yeah, I do now.

[A]

Okay. Thanks for working this out with me. Took a while for us to get to it.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Fabulous. I hear you. Let me hear a kiss. Between the two of you, let me hear a kiss.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. Did he respond? Hey, wait a minute.

[D]

Woohoo.

[A]

Zane, did you throw kisses too? Did you throw kisses too? Okay, just want to make sure. Oh, I heard that one. That was a good one. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. SiriusXM Triumph is Life presenting you with challenges? Get real answers with Dr. Laurel. Call 1-800- Dr. Laura. No nonsense advice about relationships, marriage, kids, tough love. It happened is not a phrase anybody uses when they take responsibility, inspiration. Every time you go to bed with a negative thought, you have to match it up with a positive one. That's your new rule, Dr. Laura. Weekdays at 2pm East. On Sunday, SiriusXM Triumph 123 and on the SiriusXM app. As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lilly.

[E]

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