A Mother’s Grief and Guilt After Losing Her Son in Service

Summary

---

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The Dr. Laura Podcast
Episode: A Mother’s Grief and Guilt After Losing Her Son in Service
Date: March 29, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Featured Caller: Ashley

---

Episode Overview

In this emotionally resonant episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Ashley, a mother experiencing deep grief and guilt after losing her son, a Special Forces medic, during military service. Ashley describes her struggle to move forward—especially after a recent encounter with one of her son’s teammates, whose life her son saved. Ashley candidly admits to feeling guilt over wishing, in fleeting moments, that it was someone else who had died instead. Dr. Laura offers her signature blend of tough love and compassion, guiding Ashley toward a path of pride and healthy remembrance rather than guilt and endless mourning.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Weight of Loss and Complex Grief

• Ashley bravely shares her story of losing her son in combat and the ongoing grief she feels even after therapy ([01:22]).
• She recounts a recent encounter with a young man her son saved, which triggered feelings of guilt for wishing “it was him and not my son” ([01:33]).

2. Guilt Over Involuntary Thoughts

• Ashley’s central struggle is her guilt over involuntary, dark thoughts following her loss.
• She clarifies, "By no means do I wish this incredibly young man any harm. I just... It's in my own thoughts, but I feel really really bad about it" ([01:51]).

3. Dr. Laura's Guidance: Shift to Pride

• Dr. Laura immediately reframes the situation, urging Ashley to not dwell on “bad thoughts” ([02:52]).
  • “When you have the bad thought, the best thing to do is not give it lunch and put a blanket over its feet to keep it toasty comfortable. The best thing to do with a bad thought is to replace it with...immense pride that your...son was so brave that he saved somebody else and eventually had to sacrifice his life.” ([02:52])
• She argues that therapy can only go so far and true healing is a conscious choice to remember with pride instead of ruminating on guilt ([03:30]).

4. Thoughts vs. Actions

• Dr. Laura normalizes Ashley’s intrusive thoughts:
  • “Thoughts are not actions, woman. They're just things that happen in the brain synapses. They're not actions.” ([09:03])
• She reassures Ashley that no apology is owed to her son’s teammate, as private thoughts don’t equate to wrongful deeds ([08:46],[09:03]).

5. Honoring the Son’s Memory

• Dr. Laura encourages Ashley to honor her son’s legacy by focusing on pride and sharing positive stories ([09:58]).
  • “I want you to tell people stories...He runs into fire to save people. That’s what my son did. And I’m really proud he was some kind of man.” ([09:58])
• Ashley shares a cherished family anecdote about her son practicing medical procedures with friends on her new white sofa, a moment blending pride and humor ([10:37]).

6. Proper Grieving and Parental Love

• Dr. Laura offers Ashley permission to grieve but reminds her that the goal is not eternal misery ([12:06]).
• “You’re a mom. And that’s what we do. But that doesn’t mean you have to be miserable and don’t do any fun.” ([12:29])

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura: “There's no therapy that's going to fix this for you. There’s no tool or technique they're going to teach you... It’s a choice at this point.” ([03:20])
• Ashley: “Do I owe that other very brave gentleman an apology?” ([08:46])
  • Dr. Laura: “He doesn’t know what you thought.” ([08:52])
• Dr. Laura: “If you said to him, ‘I wish you were dead in place of my son,’ yeah, then I would say, we have to deal with that. But that’s an action; you didn’t commit an action.” ([09:03])
• Ashley: (about her son) “He was an amazing son. And I do miss him.” ([12:15])
• Dr. Laura: (humor and caring) “You're going to cry a little bit more, and then—I mean—you look in the mirror, you look like shit while you're crying, aren't you? So, you know, you got to curtail.” ([12:50])
• Ashley: (responds with laughter) “Well, I had my hair done yesterday, so I don’t look totally like shit, but my face...” ([12:57])

---

Important Timestamps

• 01:22: Ashley begins her story, introducing her loss and guilt.
• 02:52: Dr. Laura reframes grief toward pride.
• 08:46: Ashley asks about apologizing to her son’s teammate.
• 09:03: Dr. Laura distinguishes thoughts from actions; “Thoughts are not actions, woman.”
• 09:58: Dr. Laura urges Ashley to honor her son by sharing stories.
• 10:37: Ashley recounts a warm, funny memory about her son.
• 12:06: Dr. Laura explains “proper grieving.”
• 12:50: Light-hearted exchange about crying and appearance.

---

Episode Tone & Takeaways

This episode is deeply compassionate, blending Dr. Laura’s straightforward advice with moments of levity and warmth. Listeners are reminded of the universality of grief, the normalcy of difficult thoughts, and the power of pride and storytelling in honoring loved ones lost.

---

If you or someone you know is coping with grief after losing a loved one in service, this episode offers both validation and practical wisdom for navigating painful emotions and cherishing memories.

Transcript

[Walmart Pharmacy Announcer]

Look, if you've got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them. Transfer your scripts, refill them and have them delivered straight to you. Migraines, managed allergies, alleviated dermatology derma delivered ding dong. Is that your pizza? Nope. Walmart Pharmacy delivery with a refill. Switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new delivery. Not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.

[Chase Sapphire Lounge Announcer]

This is the Chase Sapphire Lounge in Boston. Logan, you got clam chowder in New York, dirty martini over 1300 airport lounges and one card that gets you in Chase Sapphire Reserve now even more rewarding.

[Chase Sapphire Card Disclaimer]

Learn [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan Chase bank and a member FDIC subject to credit approval.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day brought to you by Ghostbed Sleep matters to your mood, your health, your whole day. That's why I recommend Comfy American made Ghostbed mattress. Visit ghostbed.com drlaura and use the code DRLAURA to sa 10%. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Ashley welcome to the program, Ashley. How can I help?

[Caller Ashley]

I told your screener I would try

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

not to cry, so I will keep it short. My son who was in Special Forces about three years ago was killed in

[Caller Ashley]

action and I went through counseling to learn to grieve and move on, not forget, but just move on. And about a month ago I ran in or somebody a gentleman who was also on my son's team had recognized me and came over and gave me a big hug and thanked me for my son who had saved him. At the time my son was also a medic and since then I've had a few times where I thought I wish it was him and not my son. And the guilt that I'm feeling for having that thought. And by no means do I wish this incredibly young man any harm. I just. It's in my own thoughts, but I feel really really bad about it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

When you have the bad thought, the best thing to do is not give it lunch and put a blanket over its feet to keep it toasty comfortable. The best thing to do with a bad thought is to replace it with considering what the story you just told me with immense pride that your husband I'm sorry your son was so brave that he saved somebody else and eventually had to sacrifice his life. You see, I think we can stay in a mud pile forever with wishing somebody else was dead in his place, with wishing him back, with feeling guilty. We supported him going to the blah blah blah. We can just stay there and there's no amount of therapy that's going to fix that. No amount of therapy. It'll get to the point where they'll put you in a room and give you drugs and electric shock therapy when instead you have so much reason to be proud of him. You still miss him, you still wish he were alive. But since we know that can't happen, we go to the next best place, which is incredibly proud. And you're resisting that and causing yourself so much pain. And it's a choice at this point. There's no therapy that's going to fix this for you. There's no tool or technique they're going to teach you at that moment, tears all the way over your face, walking away and saying, that was my boy. I wonder how many other people he saved as a medic. I am so proud. Miss him. Wish he were here. But I am so proud of my boy.

[Venmo Debit Card Announcer]

Get in the game with the College Branded Venmo Debit Card Rep your team with every tap and earn up to 5% cash back with Venmo Stash, a new rewards program from Venmo. No monthly fee, no minimum balance, just school pride and spending power. Get in the game and sign up for the Venmo debit [e-mail] collegecard the Venmo MasterCard is issued by the Bancorp Bank NA Select Schools available Venmo Stash terms and exclusions apply at Venmo me stash terms max $100 cash back per month.

[Discover Card Announcer]

So good, so good, so good.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

New spring arrivals are at Nordstrom Rack stores now. Get ready to save big with up to 60% off rag and bone, Marc Jacobs, Free people and more.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How did I not know Rack has Adidas?

[Chase Sapphire Lounge Announcer]

Because there's always something new.

[Nordstrom Rack Announcer]

Join the Nority Club to unlock exclusive discounts. Shop new arrivals first and more. Plus buy online and pick up at your favorite Rack store for free. Great brands, great prices. That's why you Rack look.

[Walmart Pharmacy Announcer]

If you've got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them. Transfer your scripts, refill them and have them delivered straight to you. Migraines, Managed allergies, alleviated dermatology Derma delivered Ding dong. Is that your pizza? Nope. Walmart Pharmacy delivery with a refill. Switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new delivery. Not available for all prescriptions, exclusions, apply

[Discover Card Announcer]

thy ticket, Lady Jennifer of Coon. Well, many thanks, good sir. Here is my Discover card.

[Walmart Pharmacy Announcer]

They accept Discover at Renaissance Fairs?

[Discover Card Announcer]

Yeah, they do here. Discover is accepted at the places I love to shop. Getth with the times.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

With the times.

[Venmo Debit Card Announcer]

You're playing the loot.

[Discover Card Announcer]

Yeah, and it sounds pretty good, right?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Discover is accepted at 99% of places

[Chase Sapphire Card Disclaimer]

that take credit cards nationwide, based on the February 2025 Nielsen report.

[Marine Corps Recruiter or Motivational Speaker]

The wrongs we must right. The fights we must win. The future we must secure together for our nation. This is what's in front of us. This determines what's next for all of us. We are Marines. We were made for this.

[Caller Ashley]

I am very.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're not listening. If you are proud, if you are proud, live it. Live proud. Don't live in this dark hole. You can't do both at the same time. You can't live with pride for him and then force yourself, shove yourself down into this hole. Because you're a decent person. That's why it upsets you that you had an indecent thought. Because you're a decent person. I'd like you to erase that. You even. So what? You had the thought. So what?

[Caller Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

From now on, the thoughts are going to be, you're proud of your boy.

[Caller Ashley]

I am.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Very much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Then live it. It's not enough to say I am. You're not living it.

[Caller Ashley]

Do I owe that other very brave gentleman an apology?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He doesn't know what you thought.

[Caller Ashley]

I know.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Yeah.

[Caller Ashley]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thoughts are not actions, woman. They're just things that happen in the brain synapses. They're not actions. If you said to him, I wish you were dead in place of my son, yeah, Then I would say, we

[Discover Card Announcer]

have to deal with that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But that's an action you didn't commit. An action. And you really need to honor him. Or without all this misery that you're keeping yourself in, you need to honor him by pride in the kind of man he was, in what he did. Being a medic means you put yourself in harm's way for other people. That is amazing. That was your boy. That's who he was. So this crap you're doing doesn't honor that.

[Caller Ashley]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I want you to tell people stories. You know the kind of son I had? He was a medic. He runs into fire to save people. That's what my son did. And I'm really proud he was some kind of man.

[Caller Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's how I want you to talk.

[Caller Ashley]

Okay.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

I. I used to tell people when they would thank him for his service. And I say, if I was with him, I would say, yeah, I know he's, you know, he's Special Forces, all that. He's tough, but he's still my brat. And, yes, good.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I like it.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

People would. Yeah, people would laugh. And the one story that I tell, I had just. But he was. He had just. He was going into Special Forces training, and his first task was being a medic, and so he had to practice giving IVs and that sort of thing, like any medical person would. And I had just bought a white sofa for our living room, And I came home one day, and even though he had those little blue cloths like you would see in the hospital down, he had his friends lined up on my white couch practicing how to take blood or give an iv. And I walked in, and the only thing I could think of saying was, if you get any of those fluids on my new couch, I will literally hang you. And they wrote. All of his friends that have been through high school and everything together, they all got up, sat on the floor, and said, yes, ma', am.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I see. These are great stories, sweetheart. These are what you want to remember.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Yes.

[Caller Ashley]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This is proper. I don't know what they taught you in the therapy, but this is proper grieving.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Yeah.

[Caller Ashley]

He was an amazing son.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes.

[Caller Ashley]

And I do miss him.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes. And that always will be the case because you're a mom.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And that's what we do.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

That's exactly what we do.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But that doesn't mean you have to be miserable and don't do any fun.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

That's true. Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're very welcome.

[Caller Ashley]

I'm going to cry a little bit more, and then I'm.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's all right. I mean, you look in the mirror, you look like shit while he's crying, aren't you? So, you know, you got to curtail.

[Caller Ashley (continued)]

Well, I had my hair done yesterday, so I don't look totally like shit, but my face. So I will.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for calling, Ashley. You take care of yourself.

[Caller Ashley]

Bye.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Bye. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Chase Sapphire Lounge Announcer]

This is a vacation with Chase Sapphire Reserve, the butler who knows your name. This is the robe, the view, the steam from your morning coffee. This is the complimentary breakfast on the balcony the beach with no one else on it. This is the Edit, a collection of handpicked luxury hotels you can access with Chase Sapphire Reserve and a $500 edit credit that gets you closer to all of it. Chase Sapphire Reserve now even more rewarding.

[Chase Sapphire Card Disclaimer]

Learn [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JPMorgan Chase bank and a member FDIC, subject to credit approval.