Anger Is Awful To Hold on To

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: "Anger Is Awful To Hold on To"

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: February 17, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this powerful and emotionally charged episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger counsels a caller wrestling with long-held anger and guilt over her family dynamics, particularly concerning her domineering father, a passive mother, and the tragic fate of her brother. Dr. Laura pushes the caller to confront not just her past, but her own feelings of responsibility and the benefits—conscious or not—of holding onto anger. The episode centers on the need for emotional resolution, accountability, and the importance of finally speaking one's truth to those who have inflicted harm.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Background & Initial Gratitude [(01:58)]

• The caller begins by sharing thanks to Dr. Laura for past advice, which encouraged her to prioritize her family over her corporate job.
• She credits Dr. Laura with helping create a better childhood for her six children.

2. Family Dynamics: Business Over Family [(02:54–05:05)]

• The caller describes her upbringing in a family where the parents, particularly the father, prioritized the family business above emotional connection.
• Caller: "My dad is a very domineering person. He always has to be right." [(02:54)]
• She expresses irritation towards her mother for never standing up to her father or protecting the children.

3. Probing Emotional Abuse & Parental Accountability [(04:17–05:41)]

• Dr. Laura presses the caller for specific examples, sensing vagueness and potential exaggeration.
• Dr. Laura: "Come on, come on, come on. You don't really want me to buy that, do you?" [(05:05)]
• The caller admits that while physical abuse was rare, there was emotional diminishment and a lack of care.

4. Recent Family Events Triggering Old Feelings [(09:16–10:19)]

• Caller recounts recent stressful events: parents selling their share of the family business, moving houses, and ongoing negative behavior from her father.
• Dr. Laura asks why, at nearly 60, the caller still invests emotional energy in these grievances if her current life is "excellent."
• Dr. Laura: "Why would a woman whose life is totally excellent spend, when she's close to 60 years old, spend her time being really negative critiquing about her folks? Why bother at this age? Why?" [(10:40)]

5. Guilt and Complexity of Survivor’s Success [(11:32–13:48)]

• Dr. Laura challenges the caller on her self-proclaimed “excellent life,” questioning the obsession with parental shortcomings.
• The caller eventually reveals unresolved feelings toward her brother’s struggles and death, feeling her parents "ruined" him, not her.
• Dr. Laura: "What is the benefit of hating him so much? What is the benefit? There’s something missing from your story..." [(15:00)]
• The caller confesses guilt and regret over not maintaining a relationship with her brother as he spiraled into addiction.

6. Individual Responsibility vs. Family Influence [(16:22–17:47)]

• Dr. Laura explores the line between individual agency and family impact.
• Dr. Laura: "Don’t you think there’s something to the individual in survival? Or do you think it’s just an accident that you have a great life?" [(16:22)]
• The caller agrees: her adversity made her stronger, while her brother made destructive choices.

7. Physical Abuse—Clarifying the Past [(18:21–19:12)]

• When physical abuse is brought up, Dr. Laura presses for details and responsibility.
• Dr. Laura: "I’m going to hold you accountable for never calling 911 or going to the school counselor or running away with him. You stood by." [(19:12)]
• The caller acknowledges her passive role as a frightened child.

8. Core Emotional Truth: Guilt and a Need for Confrontation [(19:45–21:51)]

• The caller admits her feelings stem from guilt and a belief that she—and her mother—failed her brother by not protecting him.
• Dr. Laura prescribes an assertive confrontation with her parents for closure.
• Dr. Laura: "I believe it'll be therapeutic for you to tell them off." [(21:39)]
• She urges the caller to confront both parents as a unit: mothers who allow abuse are as culpable as those who perpetrate it.

9. The Weight of Unspoken Anger & The Path to Release [(22:36–23:08)]

• Dr. Laura expresses particular disappointment in mothers who enable abuse out of fear or self-interest.
• Dr. Laura: "I hold those mothers more responsible than the father who's doing it. Because it couldn’t continue without her letting it." [(22:44)]
• The caller agrees, understanding her mother’s complicity was driven by fear and dependency.

10. Exhaustion, Relief, and Dr. Laura’s Final Philosophy [(23:30–24:30)]

• Both express exhaustion after the emotional unpacking.
• Dr. Laura clarifies her approach: “I fought for her. A lot of you probably thought I fought her. No, I fought for her.” [(24:11)]
• Dr. Laura reiterates the ultimate message: the caller must speak up for herself and her late brother—and, crucially, forgive herself.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura: “Why would a woman whose life is totally excellent spend, when she's close to 60 years old, spend her time being really negative critiquing about her folks? Why bother at this age? Why?” [(10:40)]
• Dr. Laura: “What is the benefit of squashing your current happiness? Coming up with all kinds of negative things, especially about your dad. Why? What’s really going on here?” [(12:52)]
• Dr. Laura: “Don’t you think there’s something to the individual in survival? Or do you think it’s just an accident that you have a great life?” [(16:22)]
• Dr. Laura: “I hold those mothers more responsible than the father who's doing it. Because it couldn't continue without her letting it.” [(22:44)]
• Dr. Laura: “I believe it’ll be therapeutic for you to tell them off. Before they’re dead. And you can’t.” [(21:39, 21:51)]
• Dr. Laura: “I fought for her. A lot of you probably thought I fought her. No, I fought for her.” [(24:11)]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 01:58 – Caller introduces herself, expresses gratitude for past guidance.
• 02:54–05:05 – Family history and emotional environment described.
• 09:16–10:19 – Recent events rekindling unresolved emotions.
• 10:40–13:48 – Dr. Laura challenges caller’s narrative, focusing on fixation with the past.
• 14:14–19:12 – Discussion shifts towards brother’s estrangement, family violence, and guilt.
• 21:06–22:01 – Dr. Laura urges caller to confront parents directly for emotional closure.
• 22:44 – Strong condemnation of enabling mothers.
• 23:30–24:30 – Exhaustion and resolution; Dr. Laura reframes her tough questioning as advocacy.

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Recap & Takeaways

This episode explores the destructive power of retrospective anger, survivor’s guilt, and the complicated dance between individual responsibility and familial harm. Dr. Laura’s trademark tough love punctuates the conversation, ultimately guiding the caller toward direct confrontation with her parents—not from spite, but as a necessary act of closure and self-forgiveness.

Main message:
Letting go of anger and addressing those who have harmed us—however late in life—is essential for peace. Speaking truth to those who failed us, especially as an act of standing up for the voiceless, can finally free us from the weight of the past.

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For further support, listeners are always encouraged to contact Dr. Laura via her website or call-in line.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura, it is such an honor to talk to you. If I could first take a moment just to thank you. I've listened to you for many years and when my children were when I started having my family, you were really the voice of reason that said to me what I needed to hear. And so when my third baby was born, I quit my corporate job, quit traveling, took care of my kids. That's actually when my husband's career really took off and it all worked out so well that we had three more. So if you're ever having a bad day, just know that there are six super ugly kids out there that had a much better childhood because of you. And I really thank you for that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank You.

[Caller]

I'm hoping today that you can. I'm hoping you can help me sort out my relationship with my parents.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Mm.

[Caller]

I grew up in a family. Older sister, older brother, and myself. And I would say, really, for our entire lives, my parents valued the family business more than the family itself. My dad is a very domineering person. He always has to be right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How do you know that they valued the business more than their family? How does a kid actually know that?

[Caller]

I guess I didn't really recognize it as a kid, but just when I look back at the way they prioritize their time and the things that mattered to them, the things that were a big deal to them, all revolved around that. And we were valued if we had an interest in that. And otherwise, not so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay. And my mom. Sometimes I feel really sorry for her, and sometimes I think I get more frustrated with her because she tiptoes around my dad and caters to him and kowtows to him and expects the rest of the family to do the same and really never has made him take responsibility or never stood up for us with him, never held him accountable for his behaviors. It was just.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What. What behaviors are I. This is vague so far. Never stood up to him about what? And what did he do to you kids that she didn't protect you from? Fill me in, please.

[Caller]

I wouldn't say it was so much physical abuse, but definitely emotional abuse.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Give me examples of what is emotional abuse from. From your dad. What was emotional abuse?

[Caller]

He, like you, you could never be. If he sensed that you were really happy or excited, he would sort of step on you and put you in your place and.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, come on, come on, come on. You don't really want me to buy that, do you?

[Caller]

Well, come on.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What's really going on here? You're digging deep to come up with stuff.

[Caller]

I just feel like he didn't really care that much about us. The problems were much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's what you think. That's what you think. It doesn't mean he didn't, but I'm wondering why you're on this totally negative tear. What precipitated this?

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

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[Caller]

A couple of things have happened recently that I. I guess that's where help you to sort me the couple of my.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Tell me the couple of things. Tell me please.

[Caller]

Okay, for one thing, finally, at age 80, my dad and mom sold their half of the to my nephew and his wife. So now my nephew is in. My sister and her husband are the other partners. So now my nephew and his wife are the two that took over and that involved a lot of, you know, all the things moving my parents to a different home because my nephew and his wife moved into their home. Painting, cleaning, remodeling, moving them. And through that whole process he was very. Just bucky and negative and unappreciative. And I know it was very hard for them, but then they were okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Can you tell me what's going on in the rest of your life? Because you seem to be very consumed with all of this stuff. So tell me what your life is like, minus parents and brothers and cousins and business. What's your life?

[Caller]

My life is excellent and okay, that's totally shit.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And your life is totally excellent. Nobody's life is totally excellent and nobody's life was totally crap in the past. So so far I'm leaning toward exaggeration and wondering why? Why would a woman whose life is totally excellent spend when she's close to 60 years old, spend her time being really negative critiquing about her folks? Why bother at this age? Why?

[Caller]

Well, the other thing. Can I tell you the other thing that happened?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

The other thing about what? Think about what you're going to tell me. Based on what I've said to you so far.

[Caller]

I think you've been fair.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

The other thing before you want to. Woohoo. One question before you want to tell me more negative shit. Why? It's 58 years old. Are you still looking backwards and fretting about it? Why you have such an excellent life, which means no matter how crappy they were, no matter how thoughtless and squashing your happiness and everything they did to destroy you, that you're still healthy enough to make a good, excellent life? So I'm wondering, are you not seeing that if they were indeed this shitty, how spectacular you are, that you created an excellent life in spite of that? And once you're aware that you created an excellent life in spite of that, why the hell are you being critical of it? It didn't damage You.

[Caller]

You're right. You are right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So it sounds to me like you're the one squashing your happiness. You're the one going back and finding reasons to squash your current happiness. You are. You are.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why do you think that would be so? Why would you want to squash your happiness? Please think about your answer a bit. Formulate it. Let me do the question again. What is the benefit of squashing your current happiness? Coming up with all kinds of negative things, especially about your dad. Why? What's really going on here?

[Caller]

I. I think I am dwelling too much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're not answering my question.

[Caller]

I think I have gotten a lot of clarity about. Just what they value based on if I could share the other thing that happened, and I think it's probably the thing that's affecting me more.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, tell me the bomb at the end of the story. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay. So the other part is that my brother and my dad. My brother became estranged from the family shortly after high school. I would say up until he was about 14, he was a super popular kid.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why are you telling me this? Why are you telling me this? What point are you making?

[Caller]

The point that happened.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're eight years old. You have a perfect life, and you're going back to when he was a teenager. Why are you doing this?

[Caller]

Well.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And you're making assumptions about what, ma'? Am? All I heard were assumptions about what people valued and felt and thought. They're your assumptions.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What is the benefit of hating him so much? What is the benefit? There's something missing from your story. There's the benefit.

[Caller]

I guess I resent my parents because I think they ruined my brother, and my brother died very suddenly.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why didn't they ruin you?

[Caller]

Because I think they. They piled on to him. And so I was just sort of.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

The way you handed it to me didn't sound like you didn't have piled on. The point I'm making is you and your brother are an entirely different people. There are people who come from perfect families like yours who commit suicide.

[Caller]

Mm.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Simply because something comes before it doesn't mean it caused it. Your brother could have had all kinds of hormonal, medical, psychiatric issues.

[Caller]

No, no, he didn't commit suicide.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I know that. Oh, I don't know that. I didn't suppose that I was making a point that people can come to your wonderful, perfect family and still get themselves to a state where they commit suicide. It happens.

[Caller]

Mm.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And at this point, I still don't understand going over it and over it and over it. It doesn't change. You still managed to build a good life. You were different from your brother. You didn't succumb. Don't you think anything personal invested in survival. I don't want to hear any more story. I'm tired of your story. I want philosophy now. Don't you think there's something to the individual in survival? Or do you think it's just an accident that you have a great life?

[Caller]

No, I think it made me a stronger person because I really.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So you think you're strong as a little kid, or do you think it made you strong? Which is it?

[Caller]

I think. I think it made me strong.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Why did it make you strong and not him?

[Caller]

I. I took a better path. I mean, my brother became a drug addict.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You took a better. That's right. You took a better path. And if he had taken a better path, we wouldn't be having this discussion. He made choices. We all deal with frustration and disappointment and anger and hurt and fears in different ways.

[Caller]

That's true.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

They didn't beat him. They didn't sexually molest him.

[Caller]

They did beat him. Sometimes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Beat. I want to make sure. My brother using. Did they actually beat? Like blood, broken bones beat? Or did he get spanked? I got spanked.

[Caller]

No, no, I got spanked, too. No, he. My brother was beaten, but I was not. I mean, I can't say that, but he.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Nobody. He didn't go to school and they didn't see contusions and broken bones and things.

[Caller]

I guess the beating was. Not to that degree, but there were incidences of my dad's rage when he did beat him.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, then I'm going to hold you accountable for never calling 911 or going to the school counselor or running away with him. You stood by.

[Caller]

I did.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Is that what this is all about? That you have a good life and you're alive? And he became a drug addict and died. And since when. When people die on drugs, is it not suicide?

[Caller]

I think that you've gotten to the point. Yeah. And I feel guilty because I did not maintain a good relationship with my brother either.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You isolated yourself from it because it was bad. Got it.

[Caller]

And I became scared of him. You know, I was a teenager and he was in a lot of trouble. And I was scared of my dad and I was scared of my brother.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Now I get it all. This is the core of it. I have a recommendation now that I finally understand what the hell this is all about. I think you're perfectly justified in the feelings you have. As a kid. You have to Understand that there's terror involved in outing your parents. It's not too late now. I'd like to see you visit your mom and dad and tell them off finally.

[Caller]

I've considered that. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are you finally started out this whole conversation that this was about you and that reason I struggled with you so much is I didn't feel it was about you. And it isn't you. You believe, with good reason that they contributed very largely to killing your brother. Indirectly.

[Caller]

Yes. And when he died, they did everything to pretend he didn't exist.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Got it. I. I believe it'll be therapeutic for you to tell them off.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Before they're dead. And you can't.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You need. You need to do this or this is going to chew away at you forever. You finally have to stand up for him. You couldn't do it then without risking your own well being, maybe even life. But you can do it now. And he can't touch you. But you got to promise me one thing. You tell. You tell them off as a unit.

[Caller]

What do you mean?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Women who stand by because. Women who stand by and allow their kids to be hurt. I just want to slap them hard.

[Caller]

Oh, yes. Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I hold those mothers more responsible than the father who's doing it. Because it couldn't continue without her letting it.

[Caller]

Right. Because she was scared of my dad too. But she never.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, my God. He's at work. You put the kids in a car and go.

[Caller]

She would have never scared.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Of course not. She benefited too much from the business and the money and this and that and the other thing. And don't let her throw low self esteem at you. Laugh in her face if she does that. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Wow, this was a lot of work. Are you exhausted? I'm tired.

[Caller]

I am a little exhausted.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This is exhausting. Picking up weights is easier for me than what we just went through. It was worth the work. Thank you for staying with me.

[Caller]

Thank you. Thank you for listening. I so appreciate you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, thank you. I appreciate you. Okay, we're going to take a break. Come back with your call. You want to Exhaust me more? 1800-375287-21800-375-28720 exhaust me. Call now. Dan said call now. And put Dr. Lord asleep. I'm not that kind of exhausted. It's not the fall asleep exhausted. It's the rag doll. My number. 1-800-375-2872. I fought for her. A lot of you probably thought I fought her. No, I fought for her. I kept saying this doesn't make sense. And it didn't because it wasn't about her per se. It's her anger. What they did to her brother and how her mother and she but she was a kid, didn't save him and protect him. And then later on she avoided him. Same thing the mother did. She's got to tell them off and Forgive herself. My number 1-800-375-2872 if you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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