Apologizing When You Should and Shouldn't

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Apologizing When You Should and Shouldn't
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: August 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this focused and practical episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger explores the nuances of apologizing—when you should, when you shouldn’t, and the right (and wrong) ways to express regret. Drawing on her extensive experience in relationship advice, Dr. Laura offers specific, actionable guidance for issuing sincere apologies, while also debunking common mistakes people make. The segment is concise, no-nonsense, and designed to help listeners communicate more authentically and become better friends, partners, and family members.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Emotional Barriers to Apologizing

[00:56 – 01:39]

• Dr. Laura notes that apologies are often difficult because they require vulnerability and humility, acknowledging wrongdoing or failure.

  • “Apologies for a lot of people are difficult. I guess the less secure you are, the more difficult it is because there's an admission of an offense or failure or disappointment or wrongdoing, something. But when you apologize, it's your opportunity to practice some humility and step into vulnerability and just be human.” – Dr. Laura [00:56]

• She emphasizes that apologizing isn't just an admission but an act of humanity.

  • “To err is human. To apologize for it is divine.” – Dr. Laura [01:11]

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What Makes a Bad Apology?

[01:12 – 02:20]

• Avoid apology cliches that dodge responsibility:

  • “I'm sorry if you were upset” implies the other person’s feelings are the problem, not your behavior.
  • “I'm sorry, but…” shifts responsibility and invalidates the apology.

• Explanations and justifications nullify authenticity:

  • “When an apology is followed up by a ‘but’ or an explanation, it negates the apology. It's not genuine. You just want to shun any responsibility.” – Dr. Laura [01:37]

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The Components of a Good Apology

[02:21 – 03:39]

• Take full ownership without excuses or context:

  • Own the hurt caused and express true regret.
    • “The better way to do this is to say ‘I hurt you. I’m devastated that I hurt you, and I apologize.’ Don’t blame it on alcohol. Don’t blame it on being tired. Don’t blame it on menstrual cramps. Don’t blame it on your boss. Don’t blame it on your kids. Don’t blame it on no sleep. Don’t blame anything or person, just own it.” – Dr. Laura [02:26]

• Avoid explanations entirely:

  • “Because any explanation, any excuse is to try to get away from responsibility. I apologize. However, I’m not totally responsible because of moon spots. No, just ‘I’m sorry I hurt you. I am so sorry.’” – Dr. Laura [03:06]
  • To signify commitment, “I will make a big effort to control my temper or control my thing or whatever it is you want to say that makes it clear it probably won't happen again.”

• Keep it simple and focused:

  • “Basically what I’m saying is don’t apologize by trying to make it semi okay that you did it.” – Dr. Laura [03:35]

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When NOT to Apologize

[03:40 – 04:57]

• Don’t say sorry for not fulfilling others’ wants (if there’s no wrongdoing):

  • If someone asks for money or a favor, declining isn’t a moral failure. Use statements like:
    • “I’m not going to be able to do that” or “I’m not willing to do that.”
    • “Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to do that for you. Maybe sometime in the future, if my schedule allows it.”
    • “I regret I have to disappoint you. That’s not saying I’m sorry. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

• Don’t over-apologize out of habit or misplaced guilt:

  • “It can get too easy to get in the habit of beating yourself up and apologizing for everything. No, no, no.” – Dr. Laura [05:45]

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Recap & Practical Formula for Apologizing

[08:06 – 09:51]

• The “Bottom Line” of sincere apology:

  • Only apologize for acts that are “immoral, illegal or fattening” (with a touch of Dr. Laura’s humor).
  • “Apologize without explanation. Explanations diminish the apology. Don't apologize when you've done nothing immoral or illegal or fattening. You've just disappointed somebody because they wanted something. Don't say you're sorry for that.” – Dr. Laura [08:06]
  • “Keep it simple. Get the ego out of the way and just say I hurt.” – Dr. Laura [08:40]

• Dr. Laura’s suggested apology structure:

  • State the act: “I didn’t keep your confidence.”
  • Express regret: “I really feel bad about it.”
  • Apologize: “I apologize. Hope you will forgive me.”
  • “Just make your statement, state what you’ve done, tell them you feel bad and apologize. That’s it. Keep it simple. The more you talk, the more you’re trying to get out of it.” – Dr. Laura [08:45]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:11] “To err is human. To apologize for it is divine.” – Dr. Laura
• [01:37] “When an apology is followed up by a ‘but’ or an explanation, it negates the apology. It's not genuine.”
• [02:26] “Don’t blame it on alcohol. Don’t blame it on being tired … just own it.”
• [03:06] “Any explanation, any excuse is to try to get away from responsibility.”
• [05:45] “It can get too easy to get in the habit of beating yourself up and apologizing for everything. No, no, no.”
• [08:40] “Keep it simple. Get the ego out of the way and just say I hurt.”

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Important Timestamps

• 00:56 – 01:39: Barriers to apologizing and the value of vulnerability
• 01:12 – 02:20: Common pitfalls and bad apology structures
• 02:21 – 03:39: Recipe for a genuine apology
• 03:40 – 04:57: When not to apologize and giving yourself permission to say no without guilt
• 08:06 – 09:51: Recap, Dr. Laura’s recommended apology formula, and closing insights

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Summary

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger delivers a clear, practical masterclass on the art of apology. She breaks down why apologies are often difficult, identifies ineffective and damaging apology styles, and outlines what constitutes a heartfelt, responsible apology. Dr. Laura also empowers listeners to stop over-apologizing for normal boundaries and disappointments that don’t involve moral wrongdoing. Her ultimate advice: keep apologies direct, humble, and free from excuses—taking responsibility is an act of maturity and compassion. This episode is a must-listen (or must-read) for anyone seeking to strengthen their relationships and communicate with genuine integrity.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you for listening to my morning monologue brought to you by Golden Crest Medals. Find out how gold and sil silver can protect what you have worked so hard to build. Visit goldencrestmetals.com DrLora Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] they were talking about apologizing when you should, when you shouldn't, and if you should. How to do it, how to do it right. Got to do it wrong. Going to do all this in about two and a half minutes. Apologies for a lot of people are difficult. I guess the less secure you are, the more difficult it is because there's an admission of an offense or failure or disappointment or wrongdoing, something. But when you apologize, it's your opportunity to practice some humility and step into vulnerability and just be human. To err is human. To apologize for it is divine. I can steal that. So how do you do this? One of the worst ways to apologize I'm sorry if I'm sorry if you were upset, it's really clear the person was upset and you're saying I'm sorry if you're upset, meaning it was their problem that they got upset. If you're upset, I'm sorry. If you're not upset, then I'm not sorry for what I did. It's only if you're sorry. What another one is I'm sorry, but you that's putting the responsibility back on the other person. When an apology is followed up by a but or an explanation negates the apology, it's not genuine. You just want to shun any responsibility. So the better way to do this is to say I hurt you. I'm devastated that I hurt you, and I apologize. Don't blame it on alcohol. Don't blame it on being tired. Don't blame it on menstrual cramps. Don't blame it on your boss. Don't blame it on your kids. Don't blame it on no sleep. Don't blame anything or person, just own it. No explanation. Because any explanation, any excuse is to try to get away from responsibility. I apologize. However, I'm not totally responsible because of moon spots. No, just I'm sorry I hurt you. I am so sorry. I will make a big effort to control my temper or control of my thing or whatever it is you want to say that makes it clear it probably won't happen again. But don't try to explain by blaming a variety of things in people. Now I think that's pretty straightforward. Basically what I'm saying is don't apologize by trying to make it semi okay that you did it. Then there are times it's absolutely not necessary to say sorry. Someone hits you up for some money, you don't say sorry, Say I'm not going to be able to do that or the truth I'm not willing to do that. You don't have to say you're sorry when somebody's hitting you up for stuff. Even filling in at work, you don't say I'm sorry. You haven't done anything immoral or illegal. You shouldn't feel guilty for not catering to what everybody would like. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to do that for you. Maybe sometime in the future. My schedule allows it. I regret I have to disappoint you. That's not saying I'm sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for. It can get too easy to get in the habit of beating yourself up and apologizing for everything. No, no, no,

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So the bottom line, if you've done something immoral, illegal or fattening, apologize without explanation. Explanations diminish the apology. Don't apologize when you've done nothing immoral or illegal or fattening. You've just disappointed somebody because they wanted something. Don't say you're sorry for that. It's not immoral or illegal to say no. Last but not least, keep it simple. Get the ego out of a way and just say I hurt. It's really good to start out with a statement of the act. I didn't keep your confidence. I apologize. I really feel bad about it. I apologize. Hope you will forgive me. Just make your statement, state what you done, tell them you feel bad and apologize. That's it. Keep it simple. The more you talk, The more you're trying to get out of it. My number 1-800-375-2872 if you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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