But I Love Him!

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "But I Love Him!"

Release Date: January 26, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "But I Love Him!", Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt call from Annalise, a 39-year-old woman grappling with the complexities of her recent separation from her husband. The discussion delves deep into relationship dynamics, personal accountability, and the challenges of rekindling a strained marriage.

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Guest Introduction

Annalise's Background:

• Age: 39
• Husband's Age: 46
• Marriage Duration: 11 years
• Marital History: Neither party was previously married or divorced before their marriage.

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Main Discussion

1. Reason for Separation

   Annalise reveals that the primary reasons for her separation were persistent intimacy issues, both emotional and physical. She states:

   "I separated from my husband almost two years ago because of lots of issues. Intimacy issues."
   (00:36)

2. Clarifying Intimacy Issues

   Dr. Laura probes further to understand whether the intimacy problems were rooted in emotional disconnect or physical aspects:

   "I don't know if intimacy means you can't talk to each other with vulnerability or you're talking about sex or both. So if you could clarify it."
   (01:05)

   Annalise confirms that both aspects were problematic:

   "Both. Yes, both."
   (01:14)

3. Husband's Withdrawal

   Annalise discusses her attempts to initiate communication and intimacy, met with her husband's resistance:

   "I initiate. And there was no just kind of like a lot of shutdown on his end..."
   (01:27)

   Dr. Laura expresses surprise, noting:

   "That's not typical for men."
   (01:35)

4. Attempts at Resolution

   The conversation touches upon Annalise's efforts to understand her husband's lack of interest in sex and communication:

   "I asked, and he would say he didn't know."
   (01:47)

   Dr. Laura inquires about their relationship dynamics during the dating and early marriage years:

   "Was he affectionate? Was he passionate? Would he talk about things? What were those years like?"
   (02:18)

   Annalise recounts a rushed engagement:

   "We started... engaged after six months."
   (02:31)

5. Reconciliation Attempt

   Two years post-separation, Annalise mentions moving back in with her husband in hopes of salvaging the relationship. Dr. Laura critically analyzes this decision:

   "You didn't know the man when you married him... moved, he followed you. Nothing really changed."
   (07:26)

   Annalise acknowledges repeating patterns without positive changes:

   "I think there's just something in me that wanted to see if this is something that could still work."
   (06:05)

6. Emotional Attachment vs. Love

   Dr. Laura challenges Annalise's attachment, differentiating it from genuine love:

   "You can use... But I'm attached. I mean, I spent 12 years and I'm attached, but that's not love. That's familiarity."
   (08:40)

7. Seeking Permission and Clarity

   Annalise seeks validation and honest feedback from Dr. Laura:

   "Brutal honesty, I appreciate. And so that's just what I needed."
   (09:29)

   Dr. Laura emphasizes making informed decisions free from mere emotional desires:

   "Find out about everything you need to know before you make a decision from now on. Because you're just hurting yourself not doing that because you just want a happy ending."
   (09:49)

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Key Insights and Takeaways

• Self-Reflection: Annalise's journey underscores the importance of understanding one's own reasons for staying or leaving a relationship.

• Communication Breakdown: Effective communication is crucial. Without it, misunderstandings and unresolved issues can erode a marriage.

• Emotional vs. Familiarity: Dr. Laura highlights the difference between being emotionally attached and truly loving someone, urging listeners to discern between the two.

• Seeking Honest Feedback: Sometimes, external perspectives can provide the necessary clarity to make tough decisions.

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Conclusion

Dr. Laura offers Annalise the tough love she needs, encouraging her to prioritize her well-being over the comfort of familiarity. The episode serves as a poignant reminder that staying in a relationship solely out of attachment can lead to prolonged pain and unfulfilled needs.

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Final Thoughts

"But I Love Him!" is a compelling episode that navigates the intricate emotions surrounding love, attachment, and self-respect. Dr. Laura's no-nonsense approach provides listeners with both empathy and the fortitude to face their personal challenges head-on.

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Notable Quotes

• Annalise: "But I love him. That's silly. That's a silly card to use."
  (08:41)

• Dr. Laura: "You can use... But I'm attached. I mean, I spent 12 years and I'm attached, but that's not love. That's familiarity."
  (08:40)

• Dr. Laura: "Find out about everything you need to know before you make a decision from now on."
  (09:49)

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Recommendations

For those navigating similar relationship challenges, this episode offers valuable insights and encourages proactive decision-making to foster personal growth and happiness.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM. Triumph 111. Annalise, welcome to the program.

[Annalise]

Hi. How are you?

[Dr. Laura]

Good. What can I help you with?

[Annalise]

Well, I am. I guess I need, like, a. Permission, I guess. And that's why I'm calling from a professional who's heard a lot of stories. I separated from my husband almost two years ago because not.

[Dr. Laura]

And because.

[Annalise]

Lots of issues. Intimacy issues.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. I don't know if intimacy means you can't talk to each other with vulnerability or you're talking about sex or both. So if you could clarify it.

[Annalise]

Both. Yes, both. I initiate. And there was no. Just kind of like a lot of shutdown on his end and then tried to.

[Dr. Laura]

That's not typical for men. What did you, in your discussions with him, come to understand.

[Annalise]

That he didn't want to talk about difficult things.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, but how about the sex? It's unusual for a guy to shut down his woman about sex. So what do you think that was about?

[Annalise]

I don't know. And I asked, and he would say he didn't know. So then it was. Are you. How do you feel? Like it's hormones. Is it something I'm doing? Is somebody else.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. How old are you and how old was he?

[Annalise]

I am 39. He is 46.

[Dr. Laura]

And was he married before? Divorced, no. And how long were you married?

[Annalise]

11 years.

[Dr. Laura]

And what was it like? The couple of years you were dating? Was he affectionate? Was he passionate? Would he talk about things? What were those years like?

[Annalise]

So we.

[Dr. Laura]

It.

[Annalise]

We started. We were engaged after six months.

[Dr. Laura]

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[Annalise]

So I divorced or I'm sorry, I filed paperwork two years ago. I separated. I moved from the state just for to have I just some more support. And I have friends that live here. And I just wasn't sure if I had needed to walk away. And that's just on me. And I had to go through a lot of healing process to get to that point. And then he ended up moving here and taking on a job and then wanted to try to help me. And I think there's just something in me that wanted to see if this is something that could still work. I know it sounds nuts even saying it out loud now. So moved in, he wasn't home a lot. He took on a job that required him to travel, and then he quit that job.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm a little confused. I'm a little confused. Just two of the problems you had with him were. Well, one big problem, for some reason, he couldn't function sexually and he was unwilling to get help for that with you, counseling, medicine, whatever. And the other one was he would not, which was part of number one. Number two is that he wouldn't discuss things. So did those two things change? And is that why you moved back in together, because you saw that he had changed?

[Annalise]

I saw that there was some communication that started happening a little better on his part. And so the, the other part of this story is that during COVID he wasn't. He was employed, but no one was working at that time. But he did have, you know, income coming in. So that was for a couple years or like a year and a half. And then he was let go from that job and then didn't pursue employment after that?

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. I think I'm not explaining, explaining my point. You didn't know the man when you married him. You stayed 11 years, realized this man is not going to work with you to make anything better. So you split up, moved, he followed you. Nothing really changed. So for a second time, you pull it back together and then started complaining again. So I'm not sure I understand how you make these decisions without information that would be positive. Why do you do that more than once?

[Annalise]

Yeah, that's a great question. I.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, think about it for a few.

[Annalise]

Moments, and I think that's the.

[Dr. Laura]

Don't, please don't give me the love card. That is boring. We can't talk. We can't resolve anything. Not having sex. But I love him. That's silly. That's a silly card to use. You can use. But I'm attached. I mean, I spent 12 years and I'm attached, but that's not love. That's familiarity. And gee, it would be nice if I didn't have to start my life all over again. This magically just worked. He's being very nice about this or that or the other thing. So maybe I'll just close my eyes and jump in again. So what permission were you thinking you might get here?

[Annalise]

Well, I. Brutal honesty, I appreciate. And so that's just what I needed. That is hearing someone else say it back who understands it from or not in it, I guess makes. Makes sense. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Annalise]

And I love your honesty and straightforwardness, so I appreciate it.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, thank you. And find out about everything you need to know before you make a decision from now on. Because you're just hurting yourself not doing that because you just want a happy ending. Yeah, we can't do that anymore. It's hurting you and wasting time in life, that is.

[Annalise]

It's true. I wasted a lot of time.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, let's not waste any more. Let's figure out what we actually know and put the emotion aside and then make a decision. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook, Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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