Cancer is Ruining My Marriage

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Cancer is Ruining My Marriage"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: Cancer is Ruining My Marriage
• Release Date: January 11, 2025

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Introduction

In this compelling episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," Emily reaches out to seek guidance on the strains her battle with cervical cancer has placed on her 23-year marriage. The discussion delves deep into the emotional and psychological challenges faced by both partners post-cancer remission, highlighting issues of intimacy, fear, and anxiety.

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Emily's Situation: Navigating Life Post-Cancer

Emily, a year into remission from cervical cancer, shares the profound impact her illness has had on her marriage. Despite having a previously thriving relationship with a satisfying sex life, Emily now finds herself distancing from her husband both emotionally and physically.

• Strained Intimacy:
  "[00:57] Emily: ...my sex life was amazing. And now post cancer, my body went through a lot of things, but I'm just like, stay away from me. I don't want to go on date nights. I don't want to be hugged. I don't want to be kissed."

• Emotional Withdrawal:
  Emily articulates a desire to withdraw from affectionate interactions, signaling deeper emotional turmoil stemming from her cancer experience.

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Dr. Laura's Initial Assessment

Dr. Laura addresses Emily's concerns by interpreting her withdrawal as a potential desire to end the marriage.

• Assessing Intentions:
  "[01:41] Dr. Laura: And so in other words, you don't want to be married."

• Challenging the Assertion:
  Dr. Laura probes further, suggesting that Emily's distancing may be a response to fear and pain rather than a genuine desire to end the relationship.

  "[02:31] Dr. Laura: ...you're just having gone through a lot of pain, a lot of fear, fear of rejection, fear of not feeling feminine, all that stuff, which is normal."

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Addressing Physical Pain and Intimacy

Emily reveals that sexual intercourse has become painful due to the aftereffects of cancer treatment, adding another layer of complexity to their intimate life.

• Physical Challenges:
  "[02:36] Dr. Laura: Have you had intercourse since all of this has happened?"
  "[02:48] Emily: Yes. Yes. Not 100%, but it is painful."

• Alternative Intimacy Solutions:
  Dr. Laura encourages Emily to explore other forms of intimacy beyond traditional intercourse, emphasizing that physical connection doesn't have to be limited to "penis in a vagina."

  "[03:21] Dr. Laura: Penis in a vagina is not the only way you guys can pleasure the heck out of each other..."

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Rebuilding the Relationship

Dr. Laura provides actionable advice aimed at rekindling the marital bond and restoring intimacy.

• Initiating Positive Changes:
  "[03:19] Dr. Laura: ...start going on the date night. Start wearing perfume. Start wearing sexy underwear."

• Encouraging Proactivity:
  She stresses the importance of Emily taking the initiative to re-engage with her husband, highlighting the need to overcome the inertia caused by their recent hardships.

  "[03:15] Dr. Laura: (...) it's up to you now to bring all that love and fun back into your life."

• Facing the Reality:
  Dr. Laura bluntly emphasizes the value of their continued relationship, urging Emily to embrace life post-cancer.

  "[05:00] Dr. Laura: ...you should have just died and he could get on with somebody else. So since you didn't die, stop talking over me and muttering... Get back to living as you had a great life together."

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Addressing Husband's Anxiety and OCD

Emily introduces an additional challenge: her husband’s heightened anxiety, OCD, and germaphobia since her cancer diagnosis.

• Understanding Underlying Issues:
  "[08:17] Dr. Laura: (...)" Dr. Laura explores the sudden manifestation of these issues, recognizing them as stemming from fear and trauma related to Emily's illness.

• Suggested Treatments:
  Dr. Laura recommends seeking professional help for anxiety and OCD, including medication and therapy, to address her husband's mental health struggles.

  "[08:27] Dr. Laura: This is curious how you did that because you came aboard saying you didn't want to do it. Now you're saying he's developed a serious neuroses. Well, he can get treatment for that."

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Final Advice: Healing Together

Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of mutual healing and rebuilding trust within the marriage.

• Strengthening the Marital Bond:
  "[09:24] Dr. Laura: ...He almost lost you in his mind, so now he's scared, so it's showing in all these silly ways."
  She underscores the necessity of Emily and her husband working together to overcome their fears and rekindle their relationship.

• Encouraging Intimacy as a Healing Tool:
  "[09:43] Emily: No."
  "[09:45] Dr. Laura: Okay. (...)"
  Dr. Laura advises Emily to continue being open and intimate, suggesting that physical closeness can aid in emotional healing.

  "[09:46] Emily: To be honest with you, I... I never even thought, like, I almost died. And he's kind of been living in this anxiety bubble..."

• Final Encouragement:
  Dr. Laura concludes with a powerful reminder of the value of life and the importance of not letting fear dictate their actions.

  "[09:14] Dr. Laura: ...you didn't die, stop talking over me and muttering. Stop it and just listen. (...)"

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Conclusion

This episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day" offers an insightful exploration into the challenges couples face when one partner battles a life-threatening illness. Through Emily's heartfelt call and Dr. Laura's pragmatic advice, listeners gain a deeper understanding of the interplay between physical health, emotional well-being, and relationship dynamics. The episode underscores the importance of communication, mutual support, and proactive efforts to rebuild intimacy after trauma.

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Notable Quotes:

• "[02:31] Dr. Laura: ...you're just having gone through a lot of pain, a lot of fear..."
• "[03:21] Dr. Laura: Penis in a vagina is not the only way you guys can pleasure the heck out of each other..."
• "[09:24] Dr. Laura: He almost lost you in his mind, so now he's scared..."
• "[09:26] Dr. Laura: ...My number, 1-800-375-2872... you didn't die."

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This summary encapsulates the key discussions and advice offered during the episode, providing valuable insights for listeners navigating similar challenges in their relationships post-illness.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Emily]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What can I help you with?

[Emily]

About a. I am a year out from. I'm in remission from cervical cancer. My husband and I have been married for 23 years and probably five, maybe seven years ago and kind of hit like our kids are older now and we can really enjoy life, the two of us, and not get babysitters. And our sex life was amazing. And now post cancer, my body went through a lot of things, but I'm just like, stay away from me. I don't want to go on date nights. I don't want to be hugged. I don't want to be kissed.

[Dr. Laura]

And so in other words, you don't want to be married.

[Emily]

I get.

[Dr. Laura]

Because if you eliminate. Ma'am, ma'am, Ma'am. If you eliminate all those things and you don't want to be married and you ought to let them go.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

So I suggest that you really don't mean that. You're just having gone through a lot of pain, a lot of fear, fear of rejection, fear of not feeling feminine, all that stuff, which is normal. But if your solution is to turn away from love, from affection, from intimacy, then you might as well leave, if that's your solution.

[Emily]

Right. It's not my. I just don't know what to do. I don't know.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, this is what you do. Have you had intercourse since all of this has happened?

[Emily]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Is it painful?

[Emily]

Yes. Not 100%, but it is painful.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't know. Not 100%, but it is painful. Mean. What does that mean?

[Emily]

Well, it's not comfortable. It doesn't feel good because we just have to. It's good, but there's just still some pain from radiation and from my cancer treatments.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. So penis in a vagina? Not yet.

[Emily]

I didn't know if I could do that once.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, penis in a vagina is not the only way you guys can pleasure the heck out of each other and you know it. So start going on the date night. Start wearing perfume. Start wearing sexy underwear. Right now he's frozen. He's being rejected. He's been through hell with you and his reward is to be rejected. So you're going to have to be the initiator to let him quote back in. Of course we're not doing penis in a vagina yet, but you understand what I'm saying? So it's up to you now to bring all that love and fun back into your life. I mean, why bother surviving the cancer if you're going to stop living your life? Why bother? You should have died. Yeah, you should have just died and he could get on with somebody else. So since you didn't die, stop talking over me and muttering. Stop it and just listen. Since you didn't die, get back to living as embarrassing, uncomfortable, awkward. Get back into it because you had a great life together. Let's get it back. You didn't die. You're acting like you died. Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me. And we have a new addition to our movie nights. The fluffiest pretty rosewater pink Lola blanket. Lola blankets are unbelievably soft double sided faux fur blankets with a huggable stretch that molds to your body. Lola blankets come in a beautiful array of colors and three different sizes so you can find just the right fit for your family. They even offer weighted blankets for better sleep and relaxation and super cute knotted faux fur pillows. With thousands of five star reviews, Lola blankets are the must have upgrade your home and comfort deserve. So go to lolablankets.com use my code DrLaura at checkout. 40% off. An incredible discount just for you, my listener. What are you waiting for? Go to lolablankets.com today and experience the life changing softness for yourself. Did you know that skin care can start in the laundry room? The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor All Free Clear laundry detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All Free Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists and allergists. For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear. When I had a kidlet living at home, the technology did not exist to tell me where he was at any given time, but it does today, thanks to Life360. Coordinating your family's activities and keeping them safe has never been easier. Life360 is a location sharing app that works on your mobile phone, letting you see the real time locations of your family members. Got a kid in college? Life360's roadside and emergency response programs can give you peace of mind. Teen driver in the family life360 lets you easily monitor their driving speed. Plus you can attach a Life360 tile tracker to bikes, keys, soccer bags, and more. When I get mine, I just may attach it to Lily's collar. Whether you're in the carpooling phase, raising young adults, or keeping an eye on elderly parents, you can stay connected to the ones you love. With Life360, visit life360.com or download the app today and use the code Dr. Laura to get 15% off. That's life360.com code drlaura sometimes the most.

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[Emily]

Correct? Can I tell you one other thing.

[Dr. Laura]

That not if it's going to be on the negative side of the chart, then don't bother telling me?

[Emily]

No, no, no. I don't think it's on a negative side of the chart, but I think that you could probably help me with this so that I can help my husband. The other thing is that he struggles with anxiety and OCD and germaphobia. So I say, hey, let's go on a date night and you know, get dressed nice and put some perfume on.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry, what are you talking about? You said you had a great sex life and went and did many things together. Suddenly he has ocd.

[Emily]

This is something he's always struggled with, but ever since my cancer, now his anxiety is heightened and he's like. I say, well, let's go on a date night and let's do this. And he is like, no, I don't want to go.

[Dr. Laura]

This is curious how you did that because you came aboard saying you didn't want to do it. Now you're saying he's developed a serious neuroses. Well, he can get treatment for that. There's medication for ocd. He's been traumatized by you almost dying. And so, however, I bet if tonight you guys did your showers separately together, I don't care. You performed oral sex on him. I don't think any of those things you just mentioned would be an issue.

[Emily]

Probably.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, that's the beginning of the two of you getting healthy together. It's going to require you.

[Emily]

Okay, because.

[Dr. Laura]

He almost lost you in his mind, so now he's scared, so it's showing in all these silly ways. Okay, Just rock his world. Give him moral sex. You have any problem with doing that?

[Emily]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Emily]

To be honest with you, I. I never even thought, like, I almost died. And he's kind of been living in this anxiety bubble, and, you know, I just was like, well, something's wrong with me.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't think while you're performing oral sex on him, he's going to be thinking about OCD things.

[Emily]

No, he actually says have exact help them.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, start today. And I'm glad you didn't die. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Folks, you almost died. The point is, the word almost fits in there, and you didn't. So don't live as though you died. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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