Dating is a Time of Discernment

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Dating is a Time of Discernment
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: August 20, 2025
Caller: Noah

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Episode Overview

This episode focuses on the challenges of maintaining a healthy romantic relationship when outside family dynamics—especially unresolved issues from a partner’s parents’ divorce—begin to interfere. Dr. Laura guides Noah, a caller conflicted about his girlfriend’s growing negativity influenced by her mother, reinforcing that dating is about discernment, not fixing others. She delivers her trademark no-nonsense advice, emphasizing boundaries, personal responsibility, and the importance of evaluating a partner’s readiness for a future together.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Noah’s Dilemma: Entanglement with Girlfriend’s Family

[01:52 – 02:27]

• Noah shares his struggle: after three years of dating, his girlfriend’s mother’s distrust of men (stemming from her own recent divorce) is negatively impacting his girlfriend.
• He feels responsible for helping his girlfriend "heal" and regain faith in men.

Insight:

• Dr. Laura immediately clarifies it’s not Noah’s responsibility to fix his girlfriend or her family.

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2. Dr. Laura’s Core Guidance: Discern, Don’t Fix

[02:27 – 03:46]

• Dr. Laura firmly reiterates:

  “Your job is to see if she does a good enough job... in becoming a quality wife in the future. So she may have to go into therapy but you can't fix this. You can't fix your girlfriend, you can't fix her mother, your job is to wait and make a determination.”
  — Dr. Laura [02:45]

• Dating is for discernment, not for rehabilitating someone else.

• Noah should observe whether his girlfriend is able to overcome her mother’s negativity by her own initiative.

• If she does not, Noah should not proceed to marriage, regardless of his feelings or attraction.

Memorable quote:

“Doesn’t matter how much you love her, how cute she is, or how good she is in bed. You don’t need a nightmare life between your girlfriend and her negative mother.”
— Dr. Laura [03:27]

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3. Boundaries and Direct Communication

[03:46 – 04:40]

• Dr. Laura advises Noah to set clear boundaries: stop involving himself in the girlfriend’s family drama and clearly communicate that he doesn’t want the mother’s issues to be a continual part of their relationship.

• Suggests Noah tell his girlfriend:

  “My challenge for you, my dear girlfriend, is you have to get to a place where you're not affected by this or we can't get married. Because I'm not a stupid young man. I'm not going to volunteer for something…”
  — Dr. Laura [04:07]

• Emphasizes personal responsibility: each must handle their own emotional work.

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4. Avoid Becoming the Caretaker

[04:51 – 05:04]

• Dr. Laura insists Noah keep his focus on his own well-being, not rescuing or managing his girlfriend or her family drama.
• Key reminder:

  “Take care of yourself, not her and not her mother. Taking care of herself is her job.”
  — Dr. Laura [04:54]

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5. Refusal to Get Pulled In

[05:01 – 05:19]

• Noah asks what to do when fights break out between his girlfriend and her mother.
• Dr. Laura:

  “Totally [stay out of it]. And tell your girlfriend you don't even want to hear it. The next 40 years of her carrying on with her mother is not what you all want to volunteer for.”
  — Dr. Laura [05:04]

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6. Final Reminders and Real-World Consequences

[08:38 – 09:04]

• Dr. Laura warns Noah of the long-term consequences:

  “I don't need you to call me in 20 years saying, you know, you were right. I shouldn't have done this. I thought it would be okay because I loved her.”
  — Dr. Laura [08:38]

• Noah admits that involvement in the mother-daughter conflict makes him feel like "a battle man," and it’s exhausting.

• Dr. Laura adds:

  “Well, when you have kids, you'll be more tired of it.”
  — Dr. Laura [09:00]

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. Laura:

  "Dating is for discernment, not for fixing or saving someone else." [02:45]
  "If she doesn't do that, you should not marry her. Doesn't matter how much you love her..." [03:27]
  "My challenge for you... you have to get to a place where you're not affected by this or we can't get married." [04:07]
  "You don't need a nightmare life between your girlfriend and her negative mother." [03:27]
  "Take care of yourself, not her and not her mother." [04:54]

• Noah:

  "It's a difficult position... I try to stand with my girlfriend and it just makes me look like a battle man. And I'm tired of it." [08:50]

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Segment Timestamps

• [01:34] Episode opens, Noah joins the call
• [01:52–02:27] Noah explains the situation with his girlfriend and her mother
• [02:27–03:46] Dr. Laura explains the concept of discernment in dating and the dangers of trying to "fix" others
• [03:46–04:40] Setting boundaries and what Noah should say to his girlfriend
• [04:51–05:19] Further advice on staying out of the family conflict
• [08:38–09:04] Final warnings about the consequences of ignoring these red flags

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Episode Takeaways

• Dating is a time of discernment, not rescue.
• You cannot fix your partner or their family issues; you can only decide what you’re willing to accept for your own future.
• Setting boundaries is essential to avoid long-term emotional exhaustion.
• Direct communication about expectations and dealbreakers is critical before committing to marriage.

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This episode is a concise yet powerful reminder for anyone in a relationship: focus on evaluating a partner’s readiness and ability to be a suitable life companion, without shouldering the responsibility for their emotional healing. Dr. Laura’s advice is unflinching—protect your future by recognizing what cannot be fixed by love alone.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Noah welcome to the program.

[Noah]

Hi Dr. Laura, how you doing?

[Dr. Laura]

Great. How can I help today?

[Noah]

Good. So little backstory. I'm having issues with my girlfriend's mother. I've been dating my girlfriend for about three years and right at the beginning of us dating, her mom and her dad got divorced and she's been putting a lot of her mother's distrust in men back on my girlfriend and it's difficult for me to try to help her heal and to try to help her get some faith in men again.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry, no. Noah.

[Noah]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

I didn't understand who you were referencing. You're trying to fix your girlfriend's mother.

[Noah]

I'm trying to fix my girlfriend's healing process from her parents divorce.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, you can't do that. Your job is to see if she does a good enough job. Your girlfriend in becoming a quality wife in the future. So she may have to go into therapy but you can't fix this. You can't fix your girlfriend, you can't fix your mother, your Job is to wait and make a determination as to whether or not she will become in a place that you would like to marry her and that she has a good attitude about life, love, marriage, intimacy, sex, everything. So your job is to discern, not to fix. You're making a horrible mistake if you think your job is to get your girlfriend squared away. That's something she does herself. If she doesn't do that, you should not marry her. Doesn't matter how much you love her, how cute she is or how good she is in bed. You don't need a nightmare life between your girlfriend and and her negative mother.

[Noah]

Okay? Okay, Understood. And if her mother.

[Dr. Laura]

This is how I stop talking about her mother. And stay out of that. Just stay out of that. Tell your girlfriend, I really don't want to hear about that. I'm concerned that you are changing and becoming somebody who is focused in on your mother's negativity and anger as opposed to positivity and future with me. So my challenge for you, my dear girlfriend, is you have to get to a place where you're not affected by this or we can't get married. Because I'm not a stupid young man. I'm not going to volunteer for something, make a bunch of kids and realize I shouldn't have done this.

[Noah]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Because I don't want to hurt her feelings because we've had sex because we've done this for so long that you volunteer for something that's going to be a misery.

[Noah]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Take care of yourself, not her and not her mother. Taking care of herself is her job.

[Noah]

If they fight, I'm staying out of it, okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Totally. And tell your girlfriend you don't even want to hear it. You don't want it to be a part of your life. The next 40 years of her carrying on with her mother is not what you all want to volunteer for.

[Noah]

Okay?

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[Dr. Laura]

All right, well I need you to be strong here. I don't need you to call me in 20 years saying, you know, you were right. I shouldn't have done this. I thought it would be okay because I loved her.

[Noah]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a difficult position. You know, they've. They fought a lot. And I try to stand with my girlfriend and just me makes me look like a battle man. And I'm tired of it that.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, when you have kids, you'll be more tired of it.

[Noah]

My bad. I bet. Yeah. Could only imagine. Okay. All right. Well, that's what I needed to hear.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Call me back if anything changes. My number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram this is a vacation with Chase Sapphire Reserve. The butler. The spa. This is the edit. A collection of handpicked luxury hotels and a $500 edit credit chase Sapphire Reserve, the most rewarding card. Learn [e-mail] Sapphire Reserve cards issued by JP Morgan, Chase bank and a member FDIC, subject to credit approval.