Dealing with Ex-Spouses

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Dealing with Ex-Spouses

The Dr. Laura Podcast | Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger | Date: April 14, 2026

---

Overview: Main Theme and Purpose

In this episode, Dr. Laura tackles a delicate and common issue faced by many blended families: navigating relationships with ex-spouses. She offers a candid psychological analysis of why ex-partners, particularly men, sometimes stay involved in their former spouse’s life—even after remarriage. The episode is sparked by a listener’s letter questioning the boundaries of politeness and appropriateness regarding brief, friendly messages between long-divorced co-parents. Dr. Laura provides insights into the emotional complexities, social expectations, and considerate gestures involved in long-term family dynamics, specifically when children and long marriages are involved.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Why Ex-Spouses Stay Connected

• Dr. Laura opens with observations on the recurring theme in listener calls and letters concerning ex-spouse dynamics.
• She discusses patterns, noting that it is “typically the guy who still is in deep connection to his ex wife.”
• According to Dr. Laura, men who were passive or people-pleasers in the marriage may feel a continued need for acceptance—even post-divorce (01:46).
• She highlights an “emotional investment in still being accepted even after divorce” and sometimes a lingering sense of “moral obligation” as motivators.

2. Gender Dynamics and Divorce Initiation

• Dr. Laura points out that “generally, statistically, generally we're looking at women file for divorce. So the guy's being dumped…” (02:09).
• After being left, some men, especially those who value harmony or avoid conflict, might not fully detach emotionally, even if they remarry or start new families.

3. The Toaster Analogy: Providing and Protecting

• To illustrate men’s instinct to provide and protect, Dr. Laura shares a personal story about her broken toaster, explaining that an ex-husband with this kind of personality “would have come over and fixed it or gotten me a new one in spite of the fact that he's remarried” (05:36).
• This analogy underlines how, especially after long marriages, men may still feel driven to care for their ex-spouse, especially if children are involved.

4. Listener Letter: Where’s the Line?

• Dr. Laura reads a letter from an anonymous listener whose husband, after 25 years of marriage, still sends his ex-wife brief messages like “Happy Birthday” or “Happy Mother’s Day.” The letter writer wonders if this is harmless or crosses a boundary (06:20).
• The background includes a complex history with the ex-wife and concerns about what is “appropriate or respectful within a long term marriage.”

5. Dr. Laura’s Perspective: History and Politeness

• Dr. Laura stresses that “People have histories. Histories don't disappear like a puff of smoke eventually does. There are ties which connect” (07:25).
• She frames the gesture as a mark of “consideration and politeness based on the fact that they were married, they had a kid, they had their dreams and it didn’t work. But that doesn’t mean there can’t be polite, caring…”
• She emphasizes that “25 years of 'Happy Birthday, Happy Mother’s Day,' with nothing else tied to it, is the least thing I would expect you to spend any time cogitating on” (08:40).

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On lingering connections:

  “Men are geared to provide and protect. It's built into the DNA and the emotions invested in a long term commitment—marriage.” -- Dr. Laura (05:51)

• On harmless communication:

  “Of all the things you could worry about in a marriage, 25 years of 'Happy Birthday, Happy Mother’s Day,' with nothing else tied to it is the least thing I would expect you to spend any time cogitating on.” -- Dr. Laura (08:40)

• On shared history:

  “People have histories. Histories don’t disappear like a puff of smoke eventually does. There are ties which connect.” -- Dr. Laura (07:25)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:01–03:31: Dr. Laura introduces main theme—ex-spouses who remain in contact, male psychology post-divorce, and her personal insights.
• 05:36–06:15: Analogy of the broken toaster and how men might still want to provide for ex-wives.
• 06:20–08:40: Dr. Laura reads and responds in-depth to the listener’s letter about whether simple, polite texts cross a boundary.
• 08:40–09:50: Concluding advice encouraging the listener not to focus on minor gestures but to appreciate the bigger picture in long-term relationships.

---

Tone and Style

Dr. Laura’s signature blend of directness, empathy, and humor shines through. Her advice is pragmatic and rooted in real-world familial dynamics: she urges listeners to pick their battles, focus on what matters in a marriage, and understand the motivations that drive people’s actions—especially those rooted in long family histories.

---

Overall Listener Takeaway

This episode provides practical guidance for those navigating the complicated waters of blended families and long-term relationships. Dr. Laura reassures listeners that brief, kind messages between ex-spouses—especially when children are involved—rarely signify deeper betrayals. Instead, she advocates for perspective, understanding, and respect for shared history.

---

Transcript

[Mazda Commercial Voice]

You're more than just one thing. You're the boss. Hey Google, what time is my meeting with Tim today? The athlete that class wrecks me. The ringleader. And we're good and always their mom. Everyone in the all new Mazda CX5 more to move every side of you. Learn [e-mail] Google is a trademark of Google LLC. Sequences shortened and simulated look, if you've

[Walmart Pharmacy Announcer]

got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them. Transfer your scripts, refill them and have them delivered straight to you. Migraines, managed allergies, alleviated dermatology, derma delivered ding dong. Is that your pizza? Nope. Walmart pharmacy delivery with a refill. Switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new delivery not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you for listening to my morning monologue brought to you by Golden Crest Metals. Helping everyday investors protect what they've worked so hard to build by adding gold and silver to retirement portfolios. Learn [e-mail] Protect Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] one of the you know, I think there is a book waiting to be written about ex spouses. We've gotten so many calls and letters. Somebody married person A. Married person B. Person B is still very communicative with person B's example spouse, it's typically the guy who still is in deep connection to his ex wife. Typically it's that way. So the question becomes is why? Well, we look at the cause of the divorce and generally, statistically, generally we're looking at women file for divorce. So the guy's being dumped and there are kids and depending on the guy's personality, if he's pretty passive people pleaser, he's not going to give up on the relationship. Even with three more marriages. Well, that just gives more ex wives because he's got an emotional investment in still being accepted even after a divorce and a moral to up it the ante higher. A moral obligation that is not erased in his mind by a divorce. If her toaster doesn't work, my toaster, it's only like two months old and it crapped out yesterday. I just pressed start and no it didn't. It didn't, you know, blow a fuse in my wall. It just stopped.

[Mazda Commercial Voice]

You're more than just one thing. You're the boss. Hey Google, what time is my meeting with Tim today? The athlete that class wrecks me the ringleader and we're good and always their mom. Everyone in the all new Mazda CX5 more to move every side of you. Learn [e-mail] Google is a trademark of Google LLC. Sequences shortened and simulated look.

[Walmart Pharmacy Announcer]

If you've got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them. Transfer your scripts, refill them and have them delivered straight to you. Migraines, managed allergies, alleviated dermatology derma delivered ding dong. Is that your pizza? Nope. Walmart Pharmacy delivery with a refill. Switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new delivery. Not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.

[Angie's List Customer]

Why have I asked my H Vac guy I found on angie.com to change my grandpa's trachea tube? I was so amazed at how he replaced our air ducts. I knew I could trust him to change Pop Pop's tube.

[Angie's List Announcer]

I think we should call a doctor Angie, the one you trust. Define the ones you tr find pros for all your home [e-mail] let's check

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

in on the Serta Counting Sheep why

[Shopify Advertiser]

aren't we counting anymore?

[Angie's List Announcer]

Well, the all new Serta Perfect sleeper has the Q4 support system that helps relieve aches and back pain.

[Shopify Advertiser]

We'll never get counted again.

[Angie's List Announcer]

Uh, nope. Certa we make the world's best mattress

[DSW Commercial Voice]

at dsw. We ask the important questions like what shoes are you going to wear? Whether you're prepping for wedding season, festival season, or just planning the ultimate vacay, the right shoes can make or break an rsvp. So own the moment. You've got big plans and we've got just the shoes at the perfect price of course. Get ready to get ready with Designer Shoe Warehouse. Head to your DSW store or dsw.com today and let us surprise you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So if I had an ex husband who was the kind of personality we're talking about, he would have come over and fixed it or gotten me a new one in spite of the fact that he's remarried. Especially when there's been a very long marriage. Men are geared to provide and protect. It's built into the DNA and the emotions invested in a long term commitment marriage. So yes, if you're dating a guy who is on call with his ex wife and that's unacceptable to you, don't marry and think that's going to stop. Probably not. It means something to him to continue taking care of the mother of his kids, not his wife anymore. Or maybe he wish it were. I mean she dumped him, he moved on, but that doesn't by marrying somebody else. But that doesn't mean he's given up on the hope. So we got this letter which led me to talk about that. It's written by Anonymous I'd appreciate your perspective on a situation involving an ex spouse. My husband and I have been married 25 years. He has a 31 year old daughter from his prior marriage and we have a 24 year old son together. My stepdaughter is now married and has a good relationship with all of us. We love her, we love her husband and in the early years my husband's ex wife was not a very stable or positive presence. There was even an incident when our daughter was 14 where she attempted to take her which thankfully was unsuccessful. Since then things have been settled and there hasn't been ongoing conflict. My question is, is it appropriate or respectful within a long term marriage for my husband to send simple texts like Happy Birthday or Happy Mother's Day to his ex wife? While the messages are brief and seemingly harmless, I somehow wonder if this crosses the line or what line? Like an affair line? Like in a betrayal line? I don't think so. While the messages are brief and seemingly harmless, I sometimes wonder if this crosses the line or if it's just a polite gesture. Given their shared history as parents, he says it may be built from the past since they had her when they were both so young. For context, I'm 55, husband is 54. I value your thoughts on what is reasonable and healthy in this situation. So for 25 years of your marriage he has sent simple texts like Happy Birthday or Happy Mother's Day to his ex wife and it never escalated past that. And you spend any time wondering about this? People have histories. Histories don't disappear like a puff of smoke eventually does. There are ties which connect and again, there's consideration and politeness based on the fact that they were married, they had a kid, they had their dreams and it didn't work. But that doesn't mean there can't be polite, caring and my God woman, of all the things you could worry about in a marriage, 25 years of happy Birthday, Happy Mother's Day with nothing else tied to it is the least thing I would expect you to spend any time cogitating on my number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or

[Angie's List Announcer]

your favorite place to listen to my podcast.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Of course I'd love if you gave me five stars.

[Angie's List Announcer]

And be sure to share this podcast

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Mazda Commercial Voice]

You're more than just one thing. You're the boss. Hey Google, what time is my meeting with Tim today? The athlete that class wrecks me. The ringleader. And we're good and always their mom. Everyone in the all new Mazda CX5 more to move every side of you. Learn [e-mail] Google is a trademark of Google LLC. Sequences shortened and simulated.

[Shopify Advertiser]

What would you do if your online store converted 36% more shoppers? You could take 36% more vacation.

[Angie's List Announcer]

Another pina colada?

[Walmart Pharmacy Announcer]

Yes, please.

[Shopify Advertiser]

Open a new retail location with 36% more square feet.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Fantastic.

[Shopify Advertiser]

Hire 36% more help.

[Angie's List Announcer]

You're hired. And you're hired.

[Shopify Advertiser]

Shopify has the world's best converting checkout up to 36% better than other ecommerce platforms. What you do with those extra sales is up to you. Switch to Shopify today at Shopify. Com Setup and get a $1 trial. Shopify. Com Setup.