Debbie's Surrogate Daughter Let Her Down

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast – "Debbie's Surrogate Daughter Let Her Down"

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest: Debbie (Caller)
Date: March 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Debbie, a long-time listener struggling with feelings of disappointment and boundary issues regarding a younger woman she mentored and viewed as a surrogate daughter. The conversation delves into themes of emotional investment, moral boundaries, family dynamics, and the risks of stepping into parental roles with friends.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background of the Relationship

• Debbie shares her history: Aged 68, happily married for over 45 years, has high standards for integrity and morals.
• She describes a close, almost familial bond with a woman who once briefly worked for her about 12-13 years ago.
• Age and dynamic: “I would say 28 years between us. … She worked for me briefly and then left. She didn't give notice, but her upbringing was horrible. … A dumpster fire.” (Debbie, 02:44–02:59)
• Debbie maintained contact, admiring her “potential” and enjoying time with her and her children.

2. The Inciting Incidents

• Meaningful (and unsettling) compliment: Two months prior, the friend confides, “I was the only employer she's never stolen from.” This took Debbie aback and left her feeling uneasy.
• Boundary crossed: The woman, without permission, advertised Debbie’s not-yet-complete apartment on social media, including details like rent (which Debbie and her husband hadn’t set).
• Debbie feels this was overstepping.

3. Dr. Laura’s Analysis & Tough Love

• Immediate reality check:
  • “Oh, stop it, Debbie. Stop it. Stop it. Because what you're saying is that everybody who comes from a less than wonderful family should be put on an island because there's no possible way they can be decent human beings. And you know that's nonsense, right?” (Dr. Laura, 04:38–04:56)
• Key focus on priorities:
  • Dr. Laura identifies Debbie’s main concern should be the friend’s admission of past theft, not the overzealous help with the apartment.
  • “Crossing the line is that she's a thief. And just because you're the only one she didn't steal from, it doesn't mean she's not stealing anymore.” (08:10–08:38)
• Emotional motivation:
  • “That's why you're attached. … You made her emotionally your kid, giving her the family.” (Dr. Laura, 09:05–09:25)
  • She challenges Debbie for being more bothered by a small misstep than a serious moral issue.

4. On Emotional Surrogacy and Boundaries

• Invested surrogate parent: Dr. Laura suggests Debbie's “mothering” instinct and lack of children led her to fill the role for this woman.
• Objectivity lost:
  • “You're so emotionally invested in emotional rescue and being her mother figure, and your objectivity is gone.” (10:07–10:23)
• Advice on handling the relationship:
  • “But be careful. She's not your daughter. And everybody who has not the most wonderful childhood does not turn out to be a shit.” (10:36–10:45)
• Obligation to directness:
  • When Debbie asks if she should block the friend: “You have a moral obligation to sit down and talk to her because you became her emotional family. How many times do I have to say that before you acknowledge it?” (12:01–12:13)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Debbie realizing her emotional attachment:
  • “Well, when you said that, I thought, okay, all right. I mean, I respect you, so I was—I thought, I wonder where you're going.” (Debbie, 09:13)
• Dr. Laura on misplaced priorities:
  • “You passed on the part that was important to get to the part that was irrelevant. Seriously. … She thought she was helping.” (Dr. Laura, 08:41–08:52)
• Dr. Laura’s bottom line:
  • “Now she's disappointed you and you're going to dropkick her. You two better—if you're going to, quote, be surrogate family, then you have to sit down and work this out in person.” (11:41–11:57)
• Dr. Laura’s summary advice:
  • “You have a moral obligation to sit down and talk to her because you became her emotional family.” (12:01–12:13)

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Timeline of Important Segments

• [01:32–02:30]: Debbie introduces her relationship history with the younger woman
• [03:35–04:38]: Debbie shares her friend’s theft confession and the Facebook boundary issue
• [04:38–05:02]: Dr. Laura challenges Debbie’s attribution of blame to the friend’s background
• [07:55–08:10]: Dr. Laura reframes the apartment-posting as a well-intentioned, but misguided, act
• [09:05–09:25]: Dr. Laura notes Debbie made the woman her surrogate child
• [10:07–10:36]: Loss of objectivity, pitfalls of emotional over-investment
• [11:41–12:13]: Strong advice to have an honest, direct conversation rather than severing ties abruptly

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Tone and Takeaways

• Direct, no-nonsense, but compassionate: Dr. Laura maintains her signature style—pushing callers to focus on the real issues and not get sidetracked by less important grievances.
• Main takeaway: Emotional surrogacy can cloud judgment and lead to mismanagement of boundaries. If you fill a parental role, you have responsibility to communicate directly and resolve conflict, not avoid or abruptly sever relationships.
• Practical advice: Don’t conflate serious breaches of trust (theft) with benign boundary oversights (over-eager help). Prioritize mature, honest dialogue over impulsive reactions.

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Transcript

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[Debbie (Caller)]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day brought to you by Ghostbed Sleep matters to your mood, your health, your whole day. That's why I recommend comfy American made Ghostbed mattress. Visit ghostbed.com drlaura and use the code DrLaura to save 10%. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on SiriusXM Triumph and connect with me 24, [e-mail] Debbie, welcome. Welcome to the program.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Good morning Dr. Laura, how are you?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Excellent, thank you for asking. What's on your mind?

[Debbie (Caller)]

Well, I've listened to you for God knows how many years, I'm embarrassed to say. I'm 68, so it's been a long time. I have a lot of respect for you, but I'm having a conundrum. I am 68. I've been happily married for many 45 plus years. I did it right the first time. So glad for that. And integrity has always been something that's very important to me. And I believe that morals are what you do when no one's looking. Yes. And I have a friend who used to work for me probably 12, 13 years ago and she worked there briefly, but I always had this super soft place.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Is that how you met her? Is that how you met her?

[Debbie (Caller)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So you met her when she was working for you or with you?

[Debbie (Caller)]

For me. I owned the business and she came to work there for me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what is the age difference

[Debbie (Caller)]

we have? I would say 28 years between us. Mm. And she worked for me briefly and then left. She didn't give notice, but her upbringing was horrible, and she just. I mean, it was a real. A dumpster fire. But anyway, I always stayed in touch with her. We'd get together and I just enjoyed her because I just saw so much potential. And you. You know, life happens. And she got married and she has three children and she started her own business and we get together a lot. But the part that I really, really like is she's got children and I never.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, is there something I can actually help you with? This is a delightful story, but I'm here to help people.

[Debbie (Caller)]

All right. Okay. So what she did two months ago, she told me that I was the only employer she's never stolen from. And it took me back.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It took me a compliment, babe.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Well, then two months go, you know, now, and we're putting an apartment at our house and she knows about it, and I've just been putting the word out there to people I know. Well, she went ahead and posted my property on her Facebook page. It was linked. It doesn't matter to our local community. And it showed everything about my house. She even put what the rent is, but it's not even. My husband and I haven't come up with what the rent is. But my point is, I feel very. Or I believe she has crossed a line now because she doesn't have parents and I adore her kids.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, stop it, Debbie. Stop it. Stop it. Because what you're saying is that everybody who comes from a less than wonderful family should be put on an island because there's no possible way they can be decent human beings. And you know that's nonsense,

[Debbie (Caller)]

right?

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[Debbie (Caller)]

Right.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

These are making a comeback, I think. Discover is accepted at 99% of places that take credit cards nationwide, based on the February 2025 Nielsen report. So stop with the bleeding heart over her childhood. That doesn't. That doesn't give her a pass in not having a moral structure to her life and being brazen about it. I have no idea what you're talking about with her posting this thing. The point of her posting this thing was to help you get clients or. What was this for?

[Debbie (Caller)]

It's to find a tenant for my apartment that is not even ready until the fall.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So she's trying to help you?

[Debbie (Caller)]

That's what she said. Because I said, take this off. Okay, Debbie, I was trying to help.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Was there ill? And, you know, I'm concerned that she stole from a lot of people, just not from you. And then you go into the bleeding heart nonsense, and then you talk about somebody who just jumped the gun and giving information out. This is so small, it's irrelevant. I don't think that's crossing a line. That was just her being stupid. Crossing the line is that she's a thief. And just because you're the only one she didn't steal from, it doesn't mean she's not stealing anymore.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Okay,

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

you passed. You Passed on the part that was important to get to the part that was irrelevant. Seriously. Okay, she thought she was helping.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Who cares, right? And am I better off telling her,

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

do you have any kids?

[Debbie (Caller)]

No, I never had kids. I was a career.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's why you're attached. Do you realize that? You hardly said anything and I said, what's the age difference? That didn't surprise you?

[Debbie (Caller)]

Yeah, I. Well, when you said that, I thought, okay, all right. I mean, I respect you, so I was. I thought, I wonder where you're going. But

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

you made her emotionally your kid, giving her the family,

[Debbie (Caller)]

right?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So I don't know if she still steals, but for you to get upset over this, it was just stupid enthusiasm. I don't know why you made this a big deal.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Okay, well, thank you. You made my day. You really did. Because I've been, you know, cogitating on this. And then my husband said, knock it off. Just call Dr. Laura. So I said, okay. So thank you. You made my day out.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, there's a caveat here, okay? You're so emotionally invested in emotional rescue and being her mother figure, and your objectivity is gone.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This issue of her putting the announcement out is just you losing control.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Right? Right. That's very true.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But be careful. She's not your daughter. And everybody who has not the most wonderful childhood does not turn out to be a shit.

[Debbie (Caller)]

Okay? Okay. And then should I block her or should I just tell her, leave me alone? What's the better way to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sorry, we have a leap to leave me alone. Why? You were totally content after she told you she stole. You're totally content to continue. Well, you did. You kept having the meals together and seeing each other and being in contact.

[Debbie (Caller)]

No, not after. No, after she told me that, I stopped and it was just on the phone because I thought, I'm not ready for this. And then the other thing happened, so. But she continued to text me constantly,

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

and I suggest you to have a conversation. You know, the thing about making somebody emotionally dependent on you because it feels good to you is that you then owe that person something, Right? You got all invested because you became her family,

[Debbie (Caller)]

right?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Now she's disappointed you and you're going to drop kick her. You two better. If you're going to, quote, be surrogate family, then you have to sit down and work this out in person.

[Debbie (Caller)]

But I don't know that I want to be friends with something like this.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't care. You have a moral obligation to sit down and talk to her because you became her emotional family. How many times do I have to say that before you acknowledge it?

[Debbie (Caller)]

I acknowledge it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Call her. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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[Debbie (Caller)]

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