Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave - The Dr. Laura Podcast

Summary5 min read

The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Deciding Whether to Stay or Leave
Date: June 8, 2026
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Featured Caller: Shelley

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger counsels Shelley, a 55-year-old woman facing a crossroads in her second marriage after discovering her husband’s infidelity. The discussion zeroes in on the struggle to decide whether to stay and attempt to rebuild trust, or to leave and start anew. Dr. Laura brings her signature blend of candor and tough love to help Shelley clarify her choices, emphasizing realistic expectations, personal agency, and the courage required in making life-altering decisions.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Shelley’s Background (01:50–04:02)

Shelley is 55, in her second marriage of 12 years; both she and her husband were previously married.
Her husband had a prior short-lived marriage, fathered two children (now 26 and 24), and maintained active involvement after divorce.
Shelley’s first marriage was marred by physical and emotional abuse. She has two adult children, both reportedly doing well.
Both have integrated families and grandchildren.

Discovering the Affair (04:07–06:24; 09:13–10:17)

Shelley suspected her husband had issues with pornography, affecting their intimacy, as he avoided sex.
Nine months earlier, she uncovered via his iPad that he’d had a six-week physical affair while working away from home, two years prior.
Upon confrontation, her husband initially downplayed the event as a one-night stand, but later confessed after therapy encouraged full disclosure.
Shelley verified the timeline directly with the other woman, who confirmed the affair was purely physical, not emotional.
- Memorable Exchange (05:16–05:19):
  - Dr. Laura: “So I guess his penis does work.”
  - Shelley: “It does, yeah.”
Husband is now attending individual therapy and a men’s group addressing betrayal.

Shelley's Dilemma — Stay or Leave? (10:22–14:10)

Shelley feels lost: “I don’t know what to do because...I don’t know if I should stay with him.” (10:22–10:26)
She contemplates leaving to “stop feeling so horrible” and hopes to find someone who “wouldn’t do that,” but worries that finding such a partner is not guaranteed, especially at her stage of life.
- Dr. Laura (10:52–11:03): “Well, as you can see, it’s a crapshoot. You didn’t think he’d do that to you. So there’s no guarantee if you leave him you’re going to find a guy whose brain and penis function well.”
Dr. Laura sharply distinguishes between fantasy and reality:
- Leaving does not mean instantly finding a better partner but likely means adjusting to life on her own.
- “If you got rid of him, you’d have a lifestyle on your own.” (11:41–11:49)
Dr. Laura prompts her to weigh real-life outcomes: remaining for stability and risking disappointment, or departing for autonomy (on her own, not "alone").
- Dr. Laura (12:04–12:59): “If you stay...he’s in therapy. I’m going to take the risk. We would have to build because I don’t want to be on my own right now. I don’t want the financial disarray...So I’m going to put up with this and take the risk that this will improve. So it’s between being on your own and taking a risk, not the choice of two fantasies or anger and a fantasy.”
Shelley ultimately expresses her desire to stay: “Yes. I don’t want to be alone.” (13:10–13:12)
- Dr. Laura corrects her: life “on your own” is not the same as “alone”—people have friends, pets, activities.
- Dr. Laura (13:18–13:43): “I didn’t say I don’t want to be alone. I said you’d be on your own. I’m not alone. I have friends. I have a puppy. I’m not alone...when you use that word, your brain goes, ‘Oh, shit. Oh, alone. That’s terrible. That’s like being on an island.’ So don’t do that to yourself. Don’t use words that really don’t represent. You’d be on your own.”

Decision-Making Framework & Final Advice (14:10–14:34)

Dr. Laura advises claiming the truth of Shelley's choice—no “just” or minimizing language.
- Quote (14:17–14:34): “Don’t say just. Don’t say just. Don’t say just. I don’t have the stomach to go backwards. It is what it is. It’s not just. There is no just in that sentence. You go do the right thing.”

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

On confronting difficult truths:
- Dr. Laura (02:06): "No, no, no, no, no. I don't need brief. I need clear. Clear."
On discovering infidelity:
- Dr. Laura (05:16): “So I guess his penis does work.”
On the nature of betrayal:
- Dr. Laura (09:24): “I don’t know why people think it’s supposed to be better if it wasn’t emotional. Still a betrayed.”
On the odds of finding a better partner:
- Dr. Laura (10:52): “Well, as you can see, it’s a crapshoot...There’s no guarantee if you leave him you’re going to find a guy whose brain and penis function well.”
On breaking free from fantasy thinking:
- Dr. Laura (11:49): “So dump the fantasy. If you got rid of him, you’d have a lifestyle on your own.”
On the reality of being “on your own”:
- Dr. Laura (13:18): “I didn’t say I don’t want to be alone. I said you be on your own. I’m not alone. I have friends. I have a puppy. I’m not alone.”
On facing choices directly:
- Dr. Laura (14:17): “Don’t say just...It is what it is. There is no just in that sentence. You go do the right thing.”

Segment Timestamps

01:50 – 04:02: Shelley shares her marital history and family background.
04:07 – 06:24 & 09:13 – 10:17: Discovery and confirmation of her husband’s affair.
10:22 – 14:10: The crux: should she stay or leave? Decision-making and unpacking her true options.
13:18 – 14:34: The distinction between being “alone” and “on your own,” and Dr. Laura’s closing directive.

Summary Takeaways

Dr. Laura’s core message to Shelley (and listeners) is to confront reality head-on: weigh the factual, unvarnished consequences of either choice, and let go of fantasies about what life “could” be. In the aftermath of betrayal, the path forward is one of risk—whether that means choosing to trust and rebuild, or venturing into life solo. Understanding and accepting what is truly at stake, rather than being swept up by hope or bitterness, is crucial to making a choice with integrity and self-respect.

Dr. Laura’s signature “no-nonsense” approach provides listeners with actionable clarity, emphasizing that meaningful change comes not from wishful thinking, but from honest assessment and courageous choice.

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Transcript114 lines

[00:00]
Dr. Laura
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[01:15]
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[01:38]
Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24.7@drlaura.com Shelley, welcome to the program.
[01:50]
Shelley
Thank you, Dr. Laura. I've been a huge fan for years. I really respect your opinion and I'm so excited to speak with you today. Thank you for taking my call.
[02:01]
Dr. Laura
You're very welcome. How can I help?
[02:04]
Shelley
Okay, I'll try to keep this brief.
[02:07]
Dr. Laura
No, no, no, no, no. I don't need brief. I need clear. Clear.
[02:10]
Shelley
Okay.
[02:11]
Dr. Laura
All right.
[02:11]
Shelley
Okay. I'm 55. I've been married to my husband for 12 years.
[02:17]
Dr. Laura
Is this a second marriage? Second marriage?
[02:20]
Shelley
Yep. This is the second marriage for both of you? Yes. He had a very short lived marriage.
[02:29]
Dr. Laura
And why did he have only a short lived marriage? Why was it short lived?
[02:35]
Shelley
They just didn't see eye to eye on a lot of things. And so he left her and then he was single for like 11 years. I mean, he dated but he didn't, you know, he.
[02:47]
Dr. Laura
Did he make any babies with her?
[02:49]
Shelley
Yes, they have two children and then short lived.
[02:53]
Dr. Laura
Divorce. Two kids. So how old are his kids now?
[02:59]
Shelley
26 and 24, I believe.
[03:03]
Dr. Laura
Okay. And how involved was he with his children after the divorce?
[03:09]
Shelley
He was very involved. Yep. They shared custody. He's very involved with the children. And then I was married previously. The. My husband was physically and emotionally abusive.
[03:28]
Dr. Laura
What is emotionally abuse? What is emotional abuse?
[03:33]
Shelley
Yelling at me, berating me, calling me fat, Call me worthless.
[03:41]
Dr. Laura
Pushing me around and physical.
[03:45]
Shelley
Yeah, pushing me around.
[03:46]
Dr. Laura
Pinches. Yeah. Did you ever call the police on him?
[03:50]
Shelley
Yes.
[03:51]
Dr. Laura
And did he go to jail?
[03:53]
Shelley
He did.
[03:55]
Dr. Laura
Oh, goody. Did you have any kids with him?
[03:58]
Shelley
I had two children and they have turned out amazing, luckily.
[04:03]
Dr. Laura
Good. And how can I help you today?
[04:08]
Shelley
So my husband and I, like I said, we've been married for 12 years. It was. Seemed loving and happy and healthy. We combined our families. We have grandchildren together now. Everything seemed to be going well, except I did. I did have concerns that he may have problems with pornography and it was affecting our sex life.
[04:32]
Dr. Laura
And how was it affecting your sex life?
[04:35]
Shelley
He didn't want it very often.
[04:38]
Dr. Laura
And he didn't prefer to masturbate to porn?
[04:41]
Shelley
That's what I'm assuming. He tried to downplay it and say he just had problems with Ed, but I always suspected something else. And then nine months ago, I was just going through his iPad, which I would do occasionally because I always just kind of wondered. It didn't seem normal to not want to have sex on a regular basis with your wife. And I discovered that two years prior to that, when he had been working out of town, he had a six week physical affair.
[05:17]
Dr. Laura
So I guess his penis does work.
[05:19]
Shelley
It does, yeah.
[05:24]
Dr. Laura
So now when you got the information about the affair, did you have the gumption, just talk to him about it?
[05:33]
Shelley
Oh, absolutely. Yep. I confronted him immediately. He downplayed it at first. Took him a while to tell me the full. The full truth.
[05:42]
Dr. Laura
How did he. What did he say? Downplay.
[05:46]
Shelley
He said it was a one night stand and. And you know, it just wasn't making sense to me.
[05:51]
Dr. Laura
And how did he. How did you know it was six weeks?
[05:57]
Shelley
Because he finally, he started going to therapy and talking to people and reading books. He wanted to fix it. And his. He was in, you know, he was told. You have to tell. You have to have full disclosure. So he did the full disclosure and told me the dates and everything. And then honestly, I actually reached out to her on Facebook too, because I wanted to confirm.
[06:25]
Dr. Laura
And what did she say?
[06:32]
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Dr. Laura
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[08:02]
Dr. Laura
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[09:13]
Shelley
She she confirmed the the time frame and that it was. It was nothing. It was just nothing emotional. It was just. I don't know.
[09:24]
Dr. Laura
I don't know why think people think it's supposed to be better if it wasn't emotional? Still a betrayed. I don't think it's still One of the Ten Commandments. It's one of the things they say when you're. Yeah. When you're getting married. So she confirmed. Woohoo. So she confirmed that his penis does work?
[09:44]
Shelley
Yes.
[09:46]
Dr. Laura
Did you mention to him your penis does work? How come? Not with me.
[09:50]
Shelley
Oh yeah, absolutely.
[09:53]
Dr. Laura
And what was his answer to that? Can't wait to hear it.
[09:56]
Shelley
He didn't know. He didn't know. But since then, you know, he's been going to therapy and he's been in a. In a men's group. That's for, you know, betrayal and things like that.
[10:09]
Dr. Laura
And is he getting it on with you?
[10:13]
Shelley
So we have. And now it works.
[10:17]
Dr. Laura
Okay, so your question for me is what?
[10:23]
Shelley
I don't know what to do because.
[10:25]
Dr. Laura
About what?
[10:26]
Shelley
I've just. I don't know if I should stay with him.
[10:31]
Dr. Laura
What would be the point of leaving?
[10:35]
Shelley
Because it feels.
[10:37]
Dr. Laura
Not because.
[10:38]
Not because.
[10:39]
What would be the point of leaving? What would that do for you?
[10:44]
Shelley
So that I could stop feeling so horrible about it and stop thinking about it and stop caring about him and maybe find somebody who wouldn't do that to me.
[10:53]
Dr. Laura
Well, as you can see, it's a crapshoot.
[10:55]
You didn't think he'd do that to you. So there's no guarantee if you leave him you're going to find a guy whose brain and penis function well.
[11:04]
Shelley
Right. That's why. That's my dilemma.
[11:09]
Dr. Laura
No, you don't have a dilemma. You have a choice to make. But you have to look at what you'd gain and what you'd lose. So your fantasy is I could get rid of him so I could find a better guy. No guarantee. At your age, very hard to find a guy who doesn't just want to hump you. It's going to be very hard to find a guy who already has ex wives and kids and a life to want to take yours on when he has his own. So at your age, it's not easy. So you would have to assume that you'd have a whole new lifestyle on your own.
[11:40]
Shelley
Yeah.
[11:41]
Dr. Laura
So dump the fantasy. If you got rid of him, you'd have a lifestyle on your own.
[11:50]
Shelley
Right?
[11:52]
Dr. Laura
So that's the choice. Not between getting rid of him and getting some other guy. That's not the choice.
[11:58]
Shelley
Okay. Okay.
[12:05]
Dr. Laura
So if you stay, what does that do for you? Staying? Tell me what it does for you.
[12:12]
Shelley
Well, I mean, staying hopefully brings stability and my hope is that we can rebuild.
[12:18]
Dr. Laura
Okay. Can we drop hopes and fantasies? They do you no good. You can't make decisions Based, I would hope you can say, I'm going to take the risk. He's in therapy. I'm going to take the risk.
[12:31]
Shelley
Yeah.
[12:32]
Dr. Laura
We would have to build because I don't want to be on my own right now. I don't want the financial disarray. I don't want the upset that it would bring to the whole family. So I'm going, going to put up with this and take the risk that this will improve. So it's between being on your own and taking a risk, not the choice of two fantasies or anger and a fantasy.
[12:59]
Shelley
Yeah. Okay.
[13:05]
Dr. Laura
So do you want to take the risk? Yes or no?
[13:11]
Shelley
Yes. I don't want to be alone.
[13:13]
Dr. Laura
Okay, then your decision is made.
[13:18]
Shelley
Okay.
[13:19]
Dr. Laura
And I didn't say I don't want to be alone. I said you be on your own. I'm not alone. I'm on my own. I have friends. I have a puppy. I'm not alone.
[13:30]
Shelley
Yeah. I have family. You're right.
[13:34]
Dr. Laura
And friends and activities. So you'd be on your own, which is different than alone.
[13:40]
And when you use that word, your brain goes, oh, shit.
[13:43]
Oh, alone.
[13:44]
Shelley
That's terrible.
[13:45]
Dr. Laura
That's like being on an island. So don't do that to yourself. Don't use words that really don't represent. You'd be on your own. If you choose to take a risk so that you won't be on your own, you have to accept that the risk may succeed, the risk may fail, and if it fails, then you can make the decision to be on your own. So that's your backup plan.
[14:11]
Shelley
Okay. And I just don't say just.
[14:18]
Dr. Laura
Don't say just. Don't say just. Don't say just. I don't have the stomach to go backwards. It is what it is. It's not just. It is no just in that sentence, I go do the right thing.
[14:34]
If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or
[14:38]
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[14:41]
Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform,
[14:52]
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[15:01]
Dr. Laura
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[15:10]
Dr. Laura
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[15:22]
Dr. Laura
As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit Brain Health Matters.com for more information
[15:49]
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[15:53]
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