Deep Dive: Affection Is the Fuel of Happy Marriages

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Deep Dive: Affection Is the Fuel of Happy Marriages"

Podcast Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111
Release Date: February 20, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Deep Dive: Affection Is the Fuel of Happy Marriages," Dr. Laura Schlessinger delves into the critical role that affection plays in sustaining a happy and enduring marriage. Emphasizing her long-standing reputation for providing no-nonsense advice, Dr. Laura addresses real-life marital issues brought forth by her callers, offering insights rooted in ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility.

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Main Discussion: The Importance of Affection

Timestamp [00:26 – 01:30]

Dr. Laura opens the discussion by highlighting the fundamental necessity of affection in marital relationships. She asserts that regardless of life's inevitable challenges—such as illness, financial struggles, or familial responsibilities—affection should never be withheld from one's spouse. Using a powerful metaphor, she states:

"You can't throw poison into a garden and expect it to blossom." (00:26)

This analogy underscores her belief that negative behaviors can erode the foundation of a relationship, while consistent affection nurtures its growth and resilience.

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Caller Myra's Marital Struggles

Timestamp [01:30 – 08:55]

Participants:

• Myra (Caller): A 39-year-old woman married for 10 years with three children aged 10, 7, and 5.
• Steve (Myra's Husband): 44 years old.

Myra's Concerns: Myra expresses difficulty in maintaining affection towards her husband, especially during conflicts. She admits to "shutting down" and withholding affectionate gestures when annoyed or upset. She shares an incident where she aligned herself with comments from a social media post arguing that withholding affection is justified under certain circumstances.

Dr. Laura's Response: Dr. Laura vehemently opposes Myra's viewpoint, emphasizing that withholding affection is detrimental to the marital bond. She challenges Myra by questioning her understanding of her husband's needs and the nature of their long-term relationship:

"You've been married a million years with three kids. What the hell are you talking about?" (05:18)

Dr. Laura stresses that love in marriage requires consistent effort, regardless of challenges:

"Nothing is won in a marriage and in a love relationship with shutting down because you're bugged." (06:10)

She further admonishes Myra for allowing negative emotions to dictate her affectionate behavior, signaling that such actions can ultimately lead to the deterioration of the marriage.

Steve's Perspective: Steve seeks to initiate the conversation by sharing his frustration over Myra's lack of affection, despite his own efforts to express love through physical touch. He articulates a desire for daily gestures of affection, such as hugging and kissing, which he feels are not reciprocated.

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Dr. Laura's Guidance on Rekindling Affection

Timestamp [09:03 – 17:34]

Dr. Laura advises that both partners must prioritize physical touch to maintain a strong connection. She dismisses Myra's excuses rooted in her upbringing, asserting that regardless of one's background, affection is a fundamental aspect of love that must be actively practiced:

"Without that physical connection, people don't stay connected." (07:50)

She encourages proactive behaviors, suggesting simple yet meaningful actions like hugging, kissing, and touching, which can reinforce the marital bond. Dr. Laura also criticizes the current approaches of Myra and Steve, highlighting the necessity of mutual effort in expressing love.

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Jim's Call: Addressing Intimacy Issues

Timestamp [19:04 – 22:55]

Participant:

• Jim (Caller): Seeking advice on intimacy struggles in his marriage.

Jim's Concerns: Jim describes a lack of affectionate gestures from his wife, such as kisses or shoulder touches, attributing this behavior to her upbringing in a non-touching family environment. He mentions that despite their efforts in couples therapy, the issue persists.

Dr. Laura's Response: Dr. Laura criticizes the therapist's approach, accusing them of being unsupportive and not challenging the detrimental behaviors. She offers direct and assertive solutions, advocating for increased physical affection regardless of discomfort:

"You married somebody who would very much appreciate it because it's a normal way for human beings to show caring about each other and to bond." (20:33)

She proposes actionable steps, such as practicing simple affectionate gestures until they become natural, thereby fostering a more intimate and connected relationship.

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Final Remarks and Conclusion

Timestamp [23:10 – End]

Dr. Laura concludes the episode by reiterating the paramount importance of sensuality and physical touch in marriage. She underscores that affectionate behaviors are not mere gestures but essential elements that fuel a happy and lasting marriage. Emphasizing personal responsibility, she encourages couples to be intentional in their expressions of love through:

• Flirtation
• Playfulness
• Physical touch (e.g., back rubs, holding hands)

Dr. Laura also promotes her book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage," as a resource for couples seeking to nurture their relationships actively.

"Sensuality is the fuel of a happy marriage and personal well being." (23:10)

She urges listeners to prioritize affection to ensure a fulfilling and connected marital life.

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Key Takeaways

1. Consistent Affection is Vital: Regular physical gestures like hugging and kissing are crucial for maintaining a strong marital bond.
2. Overcoming Negative Behaviors: Partnering with negativity by withholding affection can irreparably damage the relationship.
3. Active Effort Required: Both spouses must actively engage in affectionate behaviors, regardless of emotional states or external stressors.
4. Personal Responsibility: Each individual in the marriage holds the responsibility to nurture and sustain love through consistent actions.
5. Practical Steps: Implementing simple affectionate actions can significantly enhance intimacy and connection.

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. Laura: "You can't throw poison into a garden and expect it to blossom." (00:26)
• Dr. Laura: "Nothing is won in a marriage and in a love relationship with shutting down because you're bugged." (06:10)
• Dr. Laura: "Without that physical connection, people don't stay connected." (07:50)
• Dr. Laura: "Sensuality is the fuel of a happy marriage and personal well being." (23:10)

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This episode serves as a compelling reminder of the indispensable role that affection plays in fostering a healthy and enduring marriage. Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides pragmatic advice aimed at encouraging couples to prioritize and cultivate physical expressions of love, thereby strengthening their relational bonds.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's deep dive. Deep dive.

[Podcast Announcer]

Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast.

[Dr. Laura]

Some people have not been raised with any affection. They haven't been taught to be loving and caring. It wasn't modeled for them. But that's not a reason to withhold loving affection from your spouse. Poop happens in life. People get sick, they have financial struggles, elderly parents to care for your problems may be plentiful, but never a good excuse to withhold affection from the ones you love. Some believe it's their prerogative to shut down when they're annoyed or upset. But I have an important message. You can't throw poison into a garden and expect it to blossom. And as I explained to my caller, Myra, if you want your spouse by your side through good times and bad, you have to remember to love, honor, and cherish, in good times and in bad. And that is expressed primarily through affection.

Steve and Myra, welcome to the program. Hi, Myra.

[Myra]

Hi.

[Steve]

Hello.

[Myra]

Hi.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi, guys. How long have you been married? And how old is everybody?

[Myra]

10 years. Married? I am. I think I'm 39. I don't know if I'm 38 or 39. Sorry. My husband. 43.

[Steve]

44. Just got 44.

[Myra]

Okay, so, Myra, you don't.

[Dr. Laura]

You don't know your date of birth or you just suck at arithmetic?

[Myra]

You know what? I think it's a little bit of everything. I think I just never think about how old I am. I could have sworn I was 38, but I think.

[Dr. Laura]

You know what, Myra? Keep that attitude. Keep it. Keep it. All right, Any kids? If. So, how many, how old?

[Myra]

Three kids we got. Our oldest is ten. Then we got a seven year old and then a five year old now.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, are we revving up for any more?

[Myra]

No, no, we're done.

[Dr. Laura]

We're done. Okay. Thank you for your clarity. So how can I be helpful today?

[Myra]

Okay, I want my husband to go ahead and start.

[Steve]

Oh, I guess I would start by just. We had a disagreement, I'll call it the other day, and it kind of led into, you know, hashing up old things and old.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, never do that. That's a. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Never do that. Okay, new rule. We never hashed over the past. New rule. All right, go ahead. So you hashed over garbage and what came up?

[Steve]

Well, so where it's at now? I saw something today just as I'M I timed the kill just in my job. And I'm sitting there, I'm kind of scrolling around and I've seen something in it. The Cliff Notes were that this girl had posted something basically saying, you know, men love the physical touch and, you know, we need it. Right. More than just saying I love, you know, whatever. So I sent her a little link and she looked at it and then sent me back. And then she sent me screenshots of some of the comments. And what I was seeing was there was kind of a divide between the men and the women comments. And what she showed me, like the gals were talking about, well, you know, but we don't. We tend to shut down if the guys, you know, don't do this. And so basically that is justified for them to not use, you know, that type of thing. And then another comment.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh my God. So they were admitting. So they were admitting being punitive. Kind of crappy. Women are those.

[Steve]

Yeah. Wow. But that is justified, right? Because of whatever.

[Dr. Laura]

No, of course it's not justified. That's not how you make a love grow. Plant is taking its time to grow or not growing in the right direction. So we throw poison at it and we want to have a garden. I don't think that works, but. Okay, what is. Take a breath, Steve.

Take a breath, Steve.

[Steve]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, Myra, what's your point of view?

[Myra]

So I was telling him that I was agreeing with those comments that, like, it's hard for me and I don't know if those women, you know, are the same boat or not, but for me, it's hard for me to be affectionate. Although, and I guess, you know, to your word, I'm being punitive or whatever, but I told him that I shut down and I. I can't be affectionate with somebody that like, can't get to know me and doesn't do all these things and.

[Dr. Laura]

What the hell are you talking about? Whoa. The hell are you talking about? Woman doesn't get to know you. You've been married a million years with three kids. What the hell are you talking about? He knows you pretty well. He's watched you all these years and how you behave. He knows you well.

[Myra]

You know what? When we argue, when we argue, he makes me out. Like, I don't know. I was telling him in this kayaks.

[Dr. Laura]

Like, let's go back, Myra.

[Steve]

Woohoo.

[Dr. Laura]

Don't deflect. I won't let you do that. Don't giggle either. The giggling has to stop. I don't care if you're nervous. Stop it. Couple things you said. We shut off. We shut down. If there's something we don't like that's cruel and not productive. It is cruel and not productive. I'm sure that when you're annoyed with your kid, you still hug your kid, you still say, I love you, you still caress them. So you can control being annoyed and still remembering that you're in love.

[Myra]

Correct.

[Dr. Laura]

And nobody should be married who can't do that. There's a difference between when somebody is dangerous or destructive and they're just annoying because you don't think you're annoying. I'm here to tell you, woman to woman, you're incredibly annoying most of the time because you run on emotion and hormones. And he has to put up with that and still provide for the family and protect. He still has to be there to take care of you when you are not adorable. So for you to say it's hard for me to do. Who cares if it's hard? You do it anyway because you love somebody and you want the relationship to maintain, to get deeper and grow. Nothing is won in a marriage and in a love relationship with shutting down because you're bugged. And women who do that should be left by the wayside.

[Myra]

Okay, I gotcha. I was telling him that. I mean, there's a lot more to the story than just, oh, then divorce him.

[Dr. Laura]

Take the kids and leave. If you can't be a loving wife because he's so bad, leave him. Go out on your own. Don't date any men, because they're all going to be like him, imperfect. And I mean, what I'm saying, if you're going to keep upping the ante now and telling me what a shit he is, get rid of him.

[Myra]

No, I don't think he's, you know, oh, my gosh, he's just so horrible. It's not that I feel really lucky about that. I got him and I.

[Dr. Laura]

You're not showing it. You are not showing it if you're bugged.

[Myra]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. Laura]

That's a bad wife. That's a bad lover, That's a bad spouse. So either decide you're fortunate to have this man as imperfect as he is, and you're going to be affectionate and loving, because that is what we do. That is love. If you're not going to love him, let him go find somebody else. I think men, the reason I wrote the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is there are too many women like you who think you're entitled to Be cold and cruel and withholding with sex and affection if you're bugged, if you've.

Had a bad day.

[Myra]

No, that's not. That would never be the case. No, he knows the disrespect. He knows all the stuff that, you know, he's done. So it's not just like, oh, okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Turn to him right now. Turn to him right now and ask him if he would like you to be more affectionate more often. Ask him.

[Myra]

No, I. I already know the answer.

[Dr. Laura]

Ask him.

Well, I know that you're brilliant, but ask him anyway because that's part of love, is to find out things other person's needs. So ask him if he needs you to be more affectionate than you allow yourself to be.

Ask him.

[Myra]

Okay. Do you want me to be more affectionate towards you?

[Steve]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Laura]

And why do you want her to be?

[Myra]

Well, he tells me that all the time.

[Dr. Laura]

And why would you want to want her to be more affectionate?

[Steve]

Well, I love her. I think she knows that. And she's the most important person in my life, obviously my kids and I'm very affectionate. I think she would agree. I was talking to the call screener about this prior, but that I think to agree that she's told me that he's just not a. I don't know, as just a affectionate type person, just broadly speaking, as I am just, you know what I mean, like, independent of me personally. But so because I love to kiss, you know, my kids and, and hug and love, you know, when I had my cat, same thing and her the same. But I find that this is much of the time if I want to hug and these land in the kitchen, she doesn't want to do it, you know, and she's even said before, like, she needs to make more time to. And. And that. And the thing is, I'm not just speaking like, you know, the adult stuff, like, you know, the private stuff. I just actually want to ugger and you know, kiss her and, you know, and just on a daily.

[Dr. Laura]

And have it be responded. Okay, hold on a second. That was very useful information. Okay, Mayra, when I'm talking to you, I'm talking to tens of millions of women right now who behave like you. You're lucky enough to have a good man who'll probably stay with you. Even you become terminally bitchy or very ill earn it. Never say, you know, I'm just not that way. You're any way you choose to be at any one moment. Well, we don't have enough time. It Takes no time to walk behind your husband and kiss him in the neck, grab his tush, smile, and walk away. Takes no time to give him a hug when he comes through the door. Even though you have three kids, but with your three. Well, I'll ask more about that later. If it's necessary, it's your obligation as a spouse. You said you would love, honor, and cherish and physical touch. Affection is part of cherishing. You made vows to do it. Not if I feel like it. I will. The vows didn't say, unless I'm too tired, bored, or have a pimple. The way he treats you is the way you should be treating him.

[Myra]

That's nice. Yeah, I understand. That's nice. And I used to do all those things, and that's what I've tried to explain to him. I used to be flirty with him. He would tell me to just stop, that he doesn't like when I do that. And I would try to just do things. Like before, when we. Like in the very beginning, I used to actually. When he comes.

[Dr. Laura]

So what is the bullshit he just gave you of. He'd like you to be more affectionate. That was just bullshit.

[Myra]

It's not. It's just I kind of don't know how to be towards it because the way that I know how to be affectionate, he's turned it down in the past. So now.

[Dr. Laura]

Good, let's. That's good. That's very useful. Okay, when you hear my voice, stop talking. That's very useful. So what are the ways that you showed affection? Tell me that he didn't like.

[Myra]

So when it comes to being flirty. When it comes to being flirty, I.

[Dr. Laura]

Don'T know what that means. Tell me the behaviors. Tell me the behaviors.

[Myra]

Oh, well, yeah, I know when I used to be flirty, I used to grab on him. I mean, he didn't want me grabbing his package, but that. That was my way of being flirty, and he said he didn't like that.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, can you stop for a minute? That's not being affectionate. That's not being affectionate.

[Myra]

Of course that's not being affectionate. That was being flirty. No, that was being. That was my definition.

[Dr. Laura]

But we're not talking about being flirty. He wants hugs.

[Myra]

Oh, okay. I thought you.

[Dr. Laura]

He wants kisses.

[Myra]

Rundown. Okay. No, when it comes to being affectionate. Yeah, I used to greet him first thing when he used to come to the door.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so, Steve, she says you're lying, right?

[Steve]

So what? I think she's talking about is when I had a different job and when I was out working all day, I. One thing I ever said was when I come in the door, I just want to get situated first before, you know anything, right? Like, just. I want to come in and be able to sit down and not have to be hit with. It's not even that. I. First of all, I never recall her. I never recall turning her affection down when I came in.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, that's not affection. That's a sexual. Come on. So some of this. Are you misunderstanding each other? So if you had another job and you were tired when you came home and she met you at the door with a kiss and said, I missed you all day, you would have turned that down?

[Steve]

No, absolutely not. That's not. Whatever happened. She's talking about, like, when she would be just farting around, just like I.

[Dr. Laura]

Think was his know, Myra, we never talked about being flirty here. You brought that up. We talked about being affectionate. And the things he mentioned as he was talking was hugging, kissing, sweet things. Not grabbing his giblets. Okay? That's a whole different area. So what I'd like you and all women to remember from this moment on, because I think there is a lesson you need to learn, Myra, is that no matter how tired or annoyed, there's benefit in a hug and a kiss. There's no benefit in cold. Imagine yourself 80 and infirm and not wanting to be alone. So how would you treat a man between now and then to better ensure you won't be alone when you're old, looking down the barrel of illness and death, it isn't going to be by saying, I'm sorry. I turn off when I'm annoyed. That's not how you increase your chances that you won't be alone. Just throwing that in because I think the whole feminist movement, your mother, your sister, your cousins, all of these have made it sound like you do what you feel. If you don't feel like it, you don't have to do it. And that is very negative for marriages. You both have to do it whether you feel it or not. Because without that physical connection, people don't stay connected. They really don't. Coming home, playing with the kids, eating dinner, going to bed, watching a movie, that doesn't keep people connected. Touch does. Frankly, it's the only thing that ensures a connection feeling. Only thing. Ask any kitty cat, ask any puppy. It's the touch. That's why when we pet our animals, our blood pressure goes down, we're impacted by touch, our hormones in our Brains change when we're impacted by touch. So I urge you to make both of you make touching the highest priority in this relationship. The highest. And I thank you both. That was kind of fun, but you could see I grabbed his doodads.

Well.

That'S really not affection. That's a horny. Come on. And it's not the same thing as the tender gentleman. We can live a lot longer with less crotch grabbing than we can with less touching. Yes, I just said that.

Have to take a break now, but it's a good time for you to text your spouse that you've been thinking about them in that huggy, kissy way. And I'll be right back.

[Podcast Announcer]

Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast Deep.

[Dr. Laura]

Marriages cannot thrive without affection, which is different from a sex drive between the two. Sex drive and affection drive. The kissing and touching is way more important. Being hugged and touched is everything in life. It helps people feel bonded, connected, safe, satisfied. The more you share comforting touch with one another, the more solid your bond becomes. When you stop those connecting behaviors, you seriously risk losing, if not damaging, your marriage. You've heard me ask callers how they want to live between now and dead. I don't know anyone who's answered that they would like to live the rest of their lives feeling disconnected from love. When I spoke to Jim, he was trying to come to terms with what the rest of his life might look like with a wife who didn't have the touchy feely gene. Jim, welcome to the program.

[Jim]

Hey, Dr. Laura, nice to talk with you.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What's up?

[Jim]

I have a question about, and I think it's my. The intimacy or lack thereof in my marriage.

[Dr. Laura]

Are we talking about sex? Are we talking about being openly vulnerable in talking about our feelings and thoughts? Which one is it, sex or intimacy? Okay, thank you. Go ahead.

[Jim]

Not just sex. Like, you know, it's just hard for my wife to, you know, if she walks through the kitchen or if I'm walking by her, I always graze her on the shoulder or give her a little kiss, but that's really hard for her to do.

[Dr. Laura]

But what makes giving somebody a little peck or touching them on their shoulder hard for anybody to do? Tell me what makes that hard for anybody to do?

[Jim]

Her ex, Her. Her excuse. But her explanation, because we've talked about that a lot in couples therapy, etcetera, is her. She was not raised in a touching family. It's not something that's done.

[Dr. Laura]

It's so irrelevant. Did the therapist buy that Crap. And let it stay and be sympathetic to her. Did the therapist actually take that position?

[Jim]

Somewhat, yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Then you went to the wrong therapist. What the therapist should have said is, well, that's too bad that you didn't come from a kissy huggy family, but you married somebody who would very much appreciate it because it's a normal way for human beings to show caring about each other and to bond. So how about this? Two of you stand up. Okay, honey, you walk by him and give him a kiss on the cheek. That's it. And then move on in the rest of the room. Oh, my God. Did you die? Did you have a panic attack? Did it kill you? That's what the therapist should have done. But most of you are paying for lousy therapy. So I'm going to give you a tape of this call, put you on hold, and you can play it for your wife. Unbelievable. The therapist was sympathetic to that. Honey, it's sad that you didn't have that. But it's sadder still that you would withhold it from someone you said you would love, honor and cherish simply because you didn't get it. You're not comfortable. How about learning to be comfortable with it? How about the more you do it, the more it will be comfortable? And you know what? You'll even start enjoying it. But to receive and never to give is not love. It's self centeredness. God, we're hitting a bunch of very important concepts here today. She got away with that.

Just not the way it was.

So not the way it was. Was the way it was good or bad? Bad. Then why would you want to repeat it for yet another generation? Because it makes me uncomfortable. And I gotta tell you, when women use the word uncomfortable, people for 5, 6, 10 miles around go, oh, well, then you don't have to do it. Women should not be ever uncomfortable.

Please.

Gonna take a break. Which gives you some time to imagine, even after a crummy day, how cuddling up with your dearly beloved is just going to make it all melt away. I'll be right back.

[Podcast Announcer]

Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive podcast deeper. Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast Deep.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I do not agree with the approach Jim St Therapist took, but I do believe that a good sex therapist can help resolve sex and intimacy issues. Help a husband learn how to act like his wife's boyfriend. Again, Help a wife act like her husband's girlfriend. Only good things come from bringing back the sweet tenderness you used to share. So I highly recommend getting the help you need. Sensuality is the fuel of a happy marriage and personal well being. Two people who are willing to give to one another even when they're upset, angry, depressed, hurt, annoyed when they give affection and convey love no matter what. That's not only the greatest gift, but it splashes back and makes you feel a lot better. I wrote a book called the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage because you really have to feed your marriage to make it thrive. So be more flirty, be more playful. Give back rubs, foot rubs, soaks in the tub, hold hands, touch feet while you're in bed. Bring back the fun so you can live sensually and happily ever after with the one you love. Now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.