Deep Dive: How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood

Summary

Podcast Summary:

Dr. Laura Call of the Day – Deep Dive: How to Be a Good Parent After a Bad Childhood
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: September 4, 2025
Main Theme:
Exploring whether and how adults who suffered traumatic or abusive childhoods—particularly sexual abuse—can become loving, healthy, and effective parents themselves. Dr. Laura tackles this through real listener stories, direct Q&A, her signature no-nonsense advice, and an emphasis on accountability, healing, and self-respect.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Can Survivors of Abuse Be Good Parents?

• Core Question: Dr. Laura addresses the myth that people abused as children are doomed to harm their own children.

  • “Can you go on to being a good parent if you had a really terrible childhood? The answer is yes.” (02:01)

• Professional vs. Lay Advice:

  • Survivors often receive damaging misinformation from friends and family, not qualified professionals.
  • “For the rest of your life, don't talk to friends and family about important things. Talk to a professional.” (05:14)

2. Chris’s Call: Fears of Repeating Abuse

• Background: Chris, 45, was abused by his uncle; he fears that by having his own kids, he might be doomed to repeat the cycle due to what he has “heard.”
• Key Advice:
  • “You didn't buy that crap, did you?”
  • Dr. Laura presses Chris:
    • “From the time you were 16, 45, did you molest anybody?”
      “No ma’am.”
    • “Why not?”
      “Because that's not who I am... I don't have that in me.” (04:41)
  • Reinforces: Not all victims become perpetrators; self-awareness, honesty, and inner work are key.

3. The Burden of Stigma & Denial

• Anonymous Listener (Male): Letter illustrating how the fear of being seen as a potential abuser leads to distance and loneliness—not because abuse is inevitable, but because of societal suspicion and self-shame. (05:30)
  • “I was the victim, but in my mind, I had become the suspect.”
• Dr. Laura’s Response:
  • With therapy and work, survivors can still form families and healthy relationships.
  • “The pain of the past may never go away, but the rest of your life is under your control.” (06:50)

4. Amy’s Call: Family Denial and Breaking the Cycle

• Background: Amy was abused by her stepdad; family swept it under the rug. Now, as a mother, she struggles with exposing her own children to him.
• Dr. Laura’s Tough Love:
  • Unambiguously tells Amy to keep her children away from her abuser and to “screw your mother” if she won’t support Amy’s efforts to keep her kids safe. (12:36)
  • “Women who stay when they know this has happened only think of themselves.” (11:12)
  • Encourages Amy to tell her children, in age-appropriate ways, the truth about her boundaries.
  • “At some point you have to tell your children the truth. ... I'm not going to fake it anymore. I think that would be very instructive for your kids.” (13:38)

5. Parenting With Unresolved Trauma: When the Kids Are Already Here

• Practical Advice:
  • “When you're not sure if you're going to do a good job as a mom or dad, think about, you know, what not to do.” (18:45)
  • “One easy way to avoid damaging your kids is to make sure you don't drag your decades-old pain, sadness, and confusion into their present.” (19:10)

6. Susan’s Call: Parental Abuse Affecting Parenting “Touch”

• Background:
  • Molested by her bipolar mother in adolescence, Susan struggles with physical affection toward her own children; her husband wants her to be more openly affectionate.
• Dr. Laura’s Empathy and Visualization:
  • Guides Susan through a relaxation and visualization exercise, revealing Susan’s fear of being a perpetrator.
    • “Tell me you feel more like a victim or a perpetrator.”
    • “Oh my God. ... I'm more afraid of becoming the perpetrator.” (23:40)
  • Dr. Laura normalizes conflicted feelings: Nerve endings, innocence, and the difference between adult understanding and child experience.
    • “Some of it was just neurologically it felt good. ... So you don't need to turn it into I'm a psycho over a feather.” (24:00)
  • Reassures Susan:
    • “Please accept what I'm saying. You're not your mother. You can never be. You're a decent, loving woman.” (24:52)
  • Practical advice: Affection doesn’t have to be complicated; even quick, routine hugs count.

7. Susan’s Follow-Up: Growth and Freedom

• Homework Update: (30:23-32:59)
  • Susan tried—and then sustained—the “quick hugs” practice with her children.
    • Initial discomfort faded; ultimately felt “liberated,” more connected to her children.
    • “I had to learn to stop beating myself up and stop feeling like there's a monster waiting to come out of me.” (31:48)
  • Dr. Laura: “The monster was and is your mother, not you.”
• Impact: Modeling healing can transform family dynamics—a “dark cloud lifted.”

8. Roxine’s Story: Breaking the Chain, Giving a Perfect Childhood

• Roxine raised by a family that ignored her grandfather’s abuse. She dedicated herself to giving her son better:
  • Her son, now grown: “Mom, it seems unfair because I had a perfect childhood. And it seems like you had no childhood and that's just not fair.”
    Roxine: “You just let me know that I did it right because I didn't want him or any other child to ever suffer what I did.” (34:37-35:01)
  • Dr. Laura: “That was the perfect answer, wasn’t it … one of the best gifts he could give you.” (35:04)

9. Dr. Laura’s Closing Thoughts

• On Healing:

  • “You can't delete trauma from your memory, but for the sake of being a good parent, don't let it become your identity.” (35:16)
  • “Focus on what you've become in spite of the bad childhood, and on giving your kids the life you know they deserve.”

• On Next Steps:

  • Seek therapy, work on yourself, and if needed, seek out Dr. Laura’s book Bad Childhood, Good Life.
  • “If you're not pleased with where you are today, hunker down, do better.” (35:31)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you wanted me to be like your family, you should have married your sister or your cousin. He has to get off your back.”
  — Dr. Laura to Susan, on partner’s expectations (22:11)

• “Don't talk to friends and family about important things. Talk to a professional.”
  — Dr. Laura (05:14)

• “The monster was and is your mother, not you.”
  — Dr. Laura to Susan, on self-blame (31:52)

• “I was the victim, but in my mind, I had become the suspect.”
  — Anonymous listener (05:30)

• “At some point you have to tell your children the truth. ... I'm not going to fake it anymore.”
  — Dr. Laura to Amy (13:38)

• “You can't delete trauma from your memory, but for the sake of being a good parent, don't let it become your identity.”
  — Dr. Laura (35:16)

• Roxine’s Son: “Mom, it seems unfair because I had a perfect childhood. ...”
  Roxine: “You just let me know that I did it right.” (34:49-35:01)

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Important Timestamps

• 02:01 — Dr. Laura introduces the primary question: Can you be a good parent after a bad childhood?
• 03:51 — Chris’s call: fears as a survivor about becoming a parent.
• 05:30 — Email from a 66-year-old male survivor about lifelong effects of stigma and fear.
• 08:32 — Amy’s call: confronting family denial and setting new boundaries for her own children.
• 19:33 — Susan’s call: struggles with physical touch as a parent after maternal sexual abuse.
• 23:40 — Susan realizes her hug anxiety is rooted in fear of becoming her mother.
• 30:23 — Susan’s follow-up call: practicing and growing through new parenting behaviors.
• 33:44 — Roxine’s story: intergenerational healing and a son’s grateful realization.
• 35:16 — Dr. Laura’s summary: trauma isn’t identity; the focus is on transformation.

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Takeaways

• Survivors of abuse are not doomed to repeat cycles, but breaking free requires honesty, professional support, and intentional change.
• Boundaries and transparency with family are essential—even if it means difficult decisions or losing connections with those who enabled abuse.
• Healing is possible. Trauma may persist, but it need not define one’s future as a parent or partner.
• Small steps matter: Concrete, manageable actions—like “quick hugs”—can begin to shift lifelong patterns.
• Self-blame must be challenged: The “monster” is not the survivor, but the abuser; survivors can reclaim their worth and choose new legacies.
• Dr. Laura’s core message: You’re not your past. The quality of your parenting is determined by choices, healing, and love, not by your history.

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If you or someone you know relates to the stories in this episode, Dr. Laura recommends seeking professional therapy and checking out her book Bad Childhood, Good Life for further guidance.

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(Ad sections, musical bumpers, and sponsor commentary have been omitted for clarity and focus.)

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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Laura's Deep Dive Podcast.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Here's a question. Can you go on to being a good parent if you had a really terrible childhood? The answer is yes. People who've had horrible childhood experiences can become very good parents. Although the stats aren't great. And the reason the stats are not great is because most folks who have endured a bad childhood have not taken a painful, honest look within. They tend to be the ones who repeat old, bad parenting patterns. My listener Chris was newly engaged and had heard many times that victims of sexual abuse will most likely go on to abuse their own children. Given his painful past, he asked me if he and his fiance should give up on the idea of having kids. Chris, welcome to the program.

[Caller Chris]

Hi Dr. Lower, good afternoon. I'll get to the point right away. First, thank you for what you do for everybody. You're a true blessing to everybody, so thank you for that. I'm 45 years old. I was a victim of sexual abuse from 12 to 15 by my uncle. I Never really seek. I got the counseling that I needed. I bottled it up. Really didn't have anybody to turn to at the time. Turned out 20 years later, same uncle did it to my cousin. As of today, we don't know where this uncle is, if he's alive or dead. He just died, basically. I've spoken to numerous friends and other family members, and they tell me that victims of sexual abuse will most likely go on to abuse their own children. Should they have. You know, should they have children. And my fiance and I now are talking about having children.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You didn't buy that crap, did you? And I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. If you want to hear it, you have to stop talking. If I asked you, did you want to hear it? The answer is either yes or no.

[Caller Chris]

No, ma'.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

Am.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So you don't want to hear it? Okay, then, go ahead.

[Caller Chris]

It's just hard to not think that when you're told that numerous times by different people.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

May I ask. Well, first of all, you didn't ask a professional. You asked friends and family.

[Caller Chris]

Well, they chimed in with their how they felt.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You asked friends and family. You didn't ask a professional. You're talking to one now, correct? Okay. From the time you were 16, 45, did you molest anybody?

[Caller Chris]

No, ma'.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

Am.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why not?

[Caller Chris]

Because that's not who I am. I'm not. I'm not that person. I don't have that in me. I'm not. I'm not what my uncle was.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's right. That's exactly the right answer. It is true that some people, when molested, tend to molest, but you've had between 16 and 45, and you haven't, because it's not who you are. You survived this. You got through it without turning it on anybody else. Pretty healthy psyche, I'd say. And for the rest of your life, don't talk to friends and family about important things. Talk to a professional.

[Caller Chris]

I understand. Absolutely. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're very welcome. Being sexually abused as a child has devastating effects on your entire life. That's what another one of my male listeners told me in an email. He continued saying, sexual abuse by my stepfather started when I was about six and a half and ended at age 12. I'm now 66 and I've never married. Although I've always dreamed of having a wife and kids, my relationship with children was greatly affected. I could not get close to any child as an uncle or just a friend. You see, for many years, I heard that boys who have been molested are more likely to become molesters themselves. I do not ever wish to abuse a child. I shied away from being close to children or being alone with a child lest someone think I would molest them. I was the victim, but in my mind, I had become the suspect. This listener asked that his name be withheld. His letter is so sad because with extensive psychotherapy, I think he could have overcome his negative thoughts to go on and have a family of his own. When you've had a terrible abusive experience as a child, the betrayal you've encountered will be pain in your heart forever. But you don't have to let what's been done to you be self limiting. The pain of the past may never go away, but the rest of your life is under your control. You can go on to have a good, full life of hobbies, friends, and yes, even a spouse and children. A lot of people who have had painful childhoods where I will never be as insensitive, unavailable, or cruel as my parent was, they understand the pain their kids could potentially go through. They've been there, done that. But good intentions are hard to implement when all you know is a crappy childhood. Amy's abuse as a child was horrific. But almost worse was the way her family swept it under the rug, kept the perpetrator, her stepfather, around, and refused to talk about it. Now a mother herself, Amy was finally fed up with playing along and no longer wanted to expose her kids to the evil she grew up with. Amy, welcome to the program.

[Caller Amy]

Hello, Dr. Lauret. Thank you for talking with me today.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you.

[Caller Amy]

Sorry I am calling. I was just seeing if maybe you could give me some advice on what I should do. I. I've had a bad past and I have children of my own now, and I'm just. I'm trying to do the best thing for them. And I feel like I have too many details to go into.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, I. I think you better start going into the details so I'll know what's going on.

[Caller Susan]

Okay.

[Caller Amy]

When I was younger, I was sexually abused by my dad, my stepdad. And what triggered all this calling today is I get so upset because my kids love him so much and I'm so uncomfortable around him.

[Caller Susan]

And.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't think you should be spending any time with somebody who sexually molested you. Nor do I think it's reasonable that you ever exposed your children to somebody who. A child molester.

[Caller Amy]

I know, I was afraid of that, that you would see that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But you risk. But you risk to your kids anyway.

[Caller Amy]

But I know I go through time where I don't think about it, and then sometimes it just comes up, and then I think about it. And then I wonder why my family don't. None of my other family seem to think about it. Or everybody just acts as. Like it never happened. And I'm guilty of that myself. So I don't know. I guess.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Can I. Can I ask you a few things, please?

[Caller Amy]

Yes, ma'.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

Am.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Have you ever heard of the word denial?

[Caller Amy]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what does it mean?

[Caller Amy]

Knowing of something and then believing it wasn't true?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No. Try again.

[Caller Amy]

Not one seems to believe it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes. Now, why would your family not want to deal with this? Why would a mother not really want to deal with this? Tell me.

[Caller Amy]

I couldn't really tell you what I thought.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm asking you a question. Just please try to answer it and stay silent till you have an answer. Why would a mother want to deny this?

[Caller Susan]

Um.

[Caller Amy]

I'm thinking so she didn't feel bad or about being with the wrong person and not being able to protect her child.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's good. Also be embarrassing when it went public and he went to jail. Also, she'd have to divorce him, and that would be difficult. What would she live on? And who would she live with? And she'd be all alone, so it's easier just to screw you over.

[Caller Amy]

Can I tell you what she told me?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Of course.

[Caller Amy]

She. She said she didn't leave because she was worried about the other children. I'm from her first marriage, and he has a daughter from his first marriage. And ultimately she stayed because she didn't know what would happen to my older sister.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She didn't leave because she didn't want to go through a divorce. The embarrassment, the loss of status, the connections, people being against her. She only thought of herself. Your mother did not think of your sister. She only thought of herself. Women who stay when they know this has happened only think of themselves.

[Caller Amy]

All right. So I've been thinking that I need to not be around him anymore. And I don't know what. Because my children love my mom as well. And I don't know if she'll have anything to do with me if I were to say I won't come around if he's around. And if you want to see me and the kids, you need to come to my house.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. What I have to say next is shocking and unacceptable to you and most people. Screw your mother. Your mother was supposed to protect you. To this day, she hasn't. Screw your mother. No, ma'.

[Caller Susan]

Am.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

This is my point of view. Women who don't protect their children like you. Allowing your kids to be around either one of them because there's no way your mother didn't know. I'm telling you that right now. Don't you. Can't you see instantly how your kids are reacting? Can't you feel when there's something wrong in the room? Don't you have a sense of something? Of course you do. Everybody does. Everybody picks up on small things and goes, something not right here, but it gets ignored because of denial. You shouldn't be with your kids over there. I hope you'll move a thousand miles away and have nothing to do with them and get therapy to help you deal with that. That you got on the wrong line when you were born. For parents, that's the only thing that was your fault. You got on the wrong line. I have no patience, no tolerance, no compassion whatsoever for people who molest kids or know it's happening and don't protect them or don't protect them after the fact. You got two crappy parents and then your mother marries yet another guy who does it. Wonderful. At some point you have to tell your children the truth. That you've been trying to make everything look nice. But your mother knew that her two husbands were hurting you. You don't have to be specific. Kids know the word hurt. They were hurting you. She knew it. She denied it. And finally I'm strong enough to say they're bad people and I'm not going to fake it anymore. I think that would be very instructive for your kids. I'm going to take a break. I want you to think about how proud you are of yourself. When you think back of how messed up you were when you finally left your parents crazy house and all the good stuff you've done since, it's time to give yourself some perks. I'll be right back.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Once you become a parent, a lot of issues that you've tried to hide from just seem to percolate up to the surface. Feelings of Sadness, confusion, loneliness, unworthiness, unlovability, and finally, detachment. These have to be worked through, and it's very tough to do that while you're busy raising your own children. So I'd suggest you get some help before you start a family. 20 year old Victoria told me that years of sexual abuse while in foster care caused her to freak out every time she started to get close to someone. How could she ever hope to marry and have kids with that level of anxiety, I don't believe for a moment that Victoria's history precludes her from becoming a good wife and mommy someday. But the chances would be better if she gave herself lots of adventures, challenges, and nice friendships time to grow into the woman she was meant to be so that her negative past could stop being the focal point of her life. People like Victoria need to train themselves to be able to handle the scary feelings of being vulnerable with someone. Yeah, it is possible. What if the kids are already here and you haven't learned how to reconcile ugly thoughts of the past with the beauty of today? When you're not sure if you're going to do a good job as a mom or dad, think about, you know, what not to do. You may not always be clear on what to do. And guess what? Most parents aren't. But at least you know what not to do. One easy way to avoid damaging your kids is to make sure you don't drag your decades old pain, sadness, and confusion into their present. Susan knew her bad childhood was affecting her parenting, so she called for my help to turn things around. Susan, welcome to the program.

[Caller Susan]

Yes, Hello. Thank you, Dr. Lauren, for taking my call. You're welcome. My question is, should I go to therapy again at the request of my husband?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What happened to the first time? What happened to the first time?

[Caller Susan]

Well, I thought I was doing okay. What happened is there's something I did not disclose to my husband. He actually. I came from a mother who was very. She had bipolar. She was bipolar, and she had bipolar disorder. I'm sorry, I'm nervous. And so she had a lot of really horrible behaviors toward me. And part of her behaviors were sexual. Like when I was about the age of 16, I was standing over at the sink washing my hair, and my mother stood behind me and started, like, rolling her pelvis into my bottom in a sexual manner. She would do stuff like that. And she was hypersexual at that time. So I did go to counseling at the age of 29, before we got married, to deal with some of the experience I had with her. And like my husband said, he was asking me, you know, why don't you hug your children more? And so I thought about it and I told him I never shared him with incidents like that. I guess I was just ashamed of it. I just never brought it up to anyone outside of the counselor. I claim embarrassed it. I went through that. But my mother died in 2018, so I kind of wanted to let it go with her, but I told my husband I don't initiate a lot of hugs. I said, that's just not me because I had so much inappropriate touch. But I will get hugs. Like. But I can't say. I'm just. I just over. I'm not. I'm not a real person, but if someone gives me a hug, I will receive it. Now, I hug my children at least twice a week without even thinking about it. But will I do it, like, every day? No. Like the way he used to, like with his family members? No, I don't think that will ever be me. But I think I'm loving enough. And frankly, compared to the counseling I did get. But he wants me to be even more open to touch with my children. And I'm kind of content with what I do. And I even asked my daughter, you know, how, you know, rate me as a parent? How do you think you get your needs? And she said, yes. But my daughter is very huggy, feeling. She'll just take the hug. She doesn't worry about whether I want it or not. And I'm okay with it. So, you know, So I don't know. Do you think that this is what I'm saying is a problem?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, sweetheart, slow down. You did a great job of presenting the whole picture. You did a great job. That's first. Second, you need to tell your husband. If you wanted me to be like your family, you should have married your sister or your cousin. He has to get off your back. Okay. That's the first thing. You should have married your sister or your cousin. I'm not ever going to be turned into them. You have to put him in his place in a sweet way.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

Okay.

[Caller Susan]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Now let's get down to the important part. Are you driving?

[Caller Susan]

No. No, I'm not.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. Okay, sit down. Are you sitting?

[Caller Susan]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. I want you to close your eyes. Tell me when you get a little bit relaxed, because I know you're nervous.

[Caller Susan]

I'm relaxed.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, good. Now, I want you to imagine going.

[Caller Susan]

Up.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

To one of your kids not feeling comfortable about hugging, but doing it anyway. Tell me when you're hugging.

[Caller Susan]

Okay. We're hugging.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. Now, you don't really want to right now, but you're doing it anyway.

[Caller Susan]

Okay? Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. I want you to tell me you feel more like a victim or a perpetrator.

[Caller Susan]

Oh, my God. I think I'm more afraid of becoming the perpetrator.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes.

[Caller Susan]

And it's worse with my daughter than with my son. Definitely.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Right. Because what you're doing is wondering every day if you are your mother.

[Caller Susan]

You're absolutely right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Listen to me carefully because this is going to sound a little gross, all right? Don't freak out on me. Just hang in there. Sometimes when your mother touched you, it felt good that you spend the rest of your time in disgust and guilt. Therefore, when you go to hug your kid, you're wondering about that interaction and whether she's taking it just as a mommy or essentially.

[Caller Susan]

Oh, good.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah. I am here to reassure you that she takes it only motherly.

[Caller Susan]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Please accept what I'm saying. You're not your mother. You can never be. You're a decent, loving woman. It's normal for you to be afraid of the interaction between you and your daughter because you went through that and some of it felt good. I mean, if a feather goes across your breast, that could excite you. And it's a freaking feather because they're nerve ending. So you don't need to turn it into I'm a psycho over feather. That's just how the body works. So some of it was the closeness to your mother. Some of it was just neurologically it felt good. And then the disgust and the self hatred comes in. So I thoroughly understand, and I hope you do now, why you're confused with it. Because you don't want to feel like either the perp or the victim with your daughter.

[Caller Susan]

Yes, I understand.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay.

[Caller Susan]

I understand.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I can guarantee you she's not feeling like a victim. You, on the other hand, are confused. And 100% of that confusion may never go away. But it could get down to 50, 40, maybe even 30% the more you practice it, the more you practice. And they can make these hugs pretty quick. Come behind her, squeeze I love you, and you walk off. They don't have to be long, lingering, just a good hug. Like you walk up to a pet and you take your hand and go on their heads and you go, good dog, and you walk away. So I'd like you to do that. And you can tell your husband the two things. One, he. If he wants you to be exactly like his family, he should have married his sister or his cousin. Please don't forget to say that. And number two, tell him you spoke to a psychotherapist and you have a notion as to what's going on and what you can do. But you will never be his sister or his cousin. So bug off.

[Caller Susan]

Okay, that's good. Okay. I appreciate this so very much. I definitely see it differently now. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. And I mean this. Call me back. You explained this situation beautifully, which helped me give you what I believe you need to. Needed to hear.

[Caller Susan]

Thank you. Thank you. All right, I have a call back.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You do it.

[Caller Amy]

You better.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'll be heartbroken. Okay, sweetie, you're doing fine. You're not nuts. You're okay. All right.

[Caller Susan]

Okay. All right. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome.

[Caller Susan]

Bye. Bye.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Going to take a break. Want you to think about who had your back, who didn't have your back, and focus in on the people who did have your back. And work from there, build from there. I'll be right back.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Overcoming your bad childhood means having a good life today. With her husband's encouragement, the love of her children, and a little advice from me, that's exactly what Susan was doing. I was so happy to get this follow up call from her several weeks after we originally spoke. Susan, welcome to the program.

[Caller Susan]

Yes. Hi, Dr. Lahr. Thank you for taking my call. I'm here to call back on the status of my homework.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so let's go through why you called in the first place and what was the assignment I gave?

[Caller Susan]

Okay, I'm the one that called because I suffered some molestation at the hands of my mother and it made me very hesitant to hug my children and my husband was concerned about it. And you gave me an assignment to just give my children quick hugs and just quickly and then let go and just to try that and to initiate the hugs, basically. And I did do it and it was hard. The first week, I kind of saw myself falling back out of it, and I had to force myself keep doing it. But by the second week, I felt very liberated and I loved the connection. I like to look in my children's eyes when I started touching them more. And I had to really deal with some things about to stop demonizing myself. When I had pumped my mother, my family made me feel bad for complaining about or they didn't help me. They just said it was my lot in life basically, to deal with it and I need to be more compassionate. So they kind of let me suffer, made me feel bad for complaining about her behaviors. I had to learn to stop beating myself up and stop feeling like there's a monster waiting to come out of me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, the monster. The monster was and is your mother, not you.

[Caller Susan]

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And I now, I get that now. It's showing in my behavior that I really believe that now. So it changed the dynamics in my household and like a dark cloud has been lifted from my life.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, my God. I'm so happy to hear you're making.

[Caller Susan]

Ah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm so gratified hearing your happiness.

[Caller Susan]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good for you. Good for you. Hanging in there. After the first week, you were not comfortable. It was hard and you did it anyway.

[Caller Susan]

Absolutely, absolutely. I definitely appreciate what you've done and not only in this area, but other areas of my life too. So I'm listening. And you're making a difference in my life and my family's life as well.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm so happy to hear this. Susan, thank you so much for calling me back and call me again another time.

[Caller Susan]

Esther, Will, thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're very welcome. In spite of your background, today can be wonderful. I've spoken to many people who used the manure of their childhoods as fertilizer to grow beautiful gardens full of healthy relationships and love. One such person is Roxine, who called me with her gut wrenching story about being a five year old whose family looked the other way when her grandfather molested her. In this brief clip, she describes how her determination to give her son a better life paid off. Roxine. Roxine, dear.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

That was tough.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm sitting, you know, I have no eye makeup on because I'm still crying again. So what was it like for you when you hung up?

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

Oh, well, a lot of things went through my mind because, you know, you had asked me to call back in today and that we would, we would play this today, and I knew that I had to go home and have a conversation with the people that I love. My husband, of course, is fully aware and he's been one of my greatest supporters and helpers. But I have a 23 year old son who I never told because children should not have to deal with adult things. So he and I sat down last night and had a long conversation. And it was funny because he said to me, he said, mom, it seems unfair because I had a perfect childhood. And it seems like, it seems like you had no childhood and that's just not fair. And I said, sweetheart, you don't understand. You just let me know that I did it right because I didn't want him or any other child to ever suffer what I did.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That was the perfect answer, wasn't it? That was.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

It was absolutely.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That was one of the best gifts he could give you to say that.

[Interviewer/Host Assistant]

Exactly.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You can't delete trauma from your memory, but for the sake of being a good parent, don't let it become your identity. Focus on what you've become in spite of the bad childhood, and on giving your kids the life you know they deserve. If you're not pleased with where you are today, hunker down, do better. My book, Bad Childhood, Good Life can help, as can cognitive behavioral therapy. And I'm here if you need to talk, so call me at 1-800-DOR Laura now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.