Deep Dive: I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Deep Dive: I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You
Release Date: April 10, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this deeply engaging episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger tackles the complex and often painful topic of sustaining love in long-term relationships. Titled "Deep Dive: I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You", the episode delves into the challenges couples face when the initial infatuation fades, and the true test of maintaining love and commitment begins.

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Falling in Love vs. Staying in Love

Dr. Laura begins by distinguishing between the exhilarating phase of falling in love and the more arduous process of staying in love. She emphasizes that the initial "happy butterflies" and effortless romance are natural but transient. The real work lies in maintaining affection, tenderness, and mutual responsibility over the years.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [01:29]: "Falling in love really takes no effort... But that doesn't last."

She warns against the misconception that love will remain as intense as it was at the beginning, highlighting that without continuous nurturing, couples may find themselves growing apart.

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The Importance of Behavior in Sustaining Love

A significant portion of the discussion centers on the idea that maintaining loving behaviors is crucial for keeping the emotional connection alive. Dr. Laura shares insights from her callers to illustrate how everyday actions can reinforce love.

Caller Ben's Dilemma:

Ben reaches out, expressing his realization that despite building a life based on strong values and commitment, he feels disconnected from the romance that once defined his relationship.

Ben [02:30]: "I just had to ask you, like, I need your insurance. What do you do, Dr. Laura, when you built a life around all your values... And this isn't what you want anymore."

Dr. Laura challenges Ben by probing into whether he continues to engage in behaviors that initially fostered love.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [02:54]: "You don't do any of that anymore."

Key Insight:

Dr. Laura underscores that love is not a static feeling but a dynamic process that requires ongoing investment through affectionate and thoughtful actions.

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The Role of Touch and Affection

One of the standout points in the episode is the emphasis on physical touch as a fundamental form of communication in relationships. Dr. Laura passionately advocates for the power of simple gestures like hugging, holding hands, or caressing a partner's hair to maintain intimacy and emotional closeness.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [05:34]: "Touching is probably the singular. It's infinitely more important than discussions. It's the single most incredible form of communication that human beings have is touching."

She shares a compelling anecdote about a caller who rekindled his relationship by reintroducing simple touches, demonstrating how physical affection can reignite the emotional bond.

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Advice to Callers: Ben and Erin

Dr. Laura engages directly with Gary and Erin, a couple experiencing marital strain after six years of marriage and raising a three-year-old son. They express feelings of not being "in love" anymore despite still loving each other as individuals.

Gary [09:11]: "We love each other as people. We are not in love with each other. We have not been happy for a while."

Dr. Laura sternly critiques their approach, urging them to honor their marital vows by actively seeking each other's happiness. She emphasizes that true commitment goes beyond mere presence in each other's lives; it involves daily effort to support and cherish one another.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [09:44]: "Honoring your commitment means doing your best to make the other person happy."

She instructs them to wake up each day with the intention of making their partner happy, suggesting that even small actions can have a profound impact on their relationship.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [12:05]: "How can I make his day better and make him happy he's married to me."

Dr. Laura's direct and uncompromising advice serves as a wake-up call for Gary and Erin to recommit to their marriage through intentional and loving actions.

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Confronting Resentment and Personal Responsibility

In another segment, a caller named Erin seeks advice after her husband tells her he loves her but isn't in love with her anymore. Dr. Laura doesn't sugarcoat her response, calling out Erin for her lack of affection and self-centeredness.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [20:07]: "You have the gall, the nerve to call me to find out what you can say to a husband who's being mistreated by you?"

Erin admits to being resentful, and Dr. Laura emphasizes that resentment gives one the perceived right to mistreat their spouse.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [21:05]: "I'm resentful. So you allow your perception of somebody else to determine your character?"

She advocates for immediate and sincere efforts to express affection and appreciation, asserting that men are particularly responsive to such gestures.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [21:55]: "Guys are so easily twisted around our fingers when we treat them with love, attention, affection, admiration."

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Conclusion: Investing in Love and Commitment

Dr. Laura wraps up the episode by reiterating the importance of investing in one's relationship. She encourages listeners to view love as an investment that requires continuous effort, kindness, and gratitude.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger [24:46]: "Love is about knowing what would make the other person happy and then doing it."

She promotes her book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage, and her online course, Marriage 101, as resources for couples seeking to rejuvenate their relationships.

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Final Thoughts

"Deep Dive: I Love You, But I’m Not In Love With You" serves as a poignant reminder that sustaining love in a marriage or long-term relationship demands intentional actions, empathy, and unwavering commitment. Dr. Laura Schlessinger's no-nonsense advice empowers listeners to take responsibility for their roles in their relationships, offering practical solutions to rekindle and preserve the love that binds them.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger [05:34]: "Touching is probably the singular. It's infinitely more important than discussions."
• Dr. Laura Schlessinger [09:44]: "Honoring your commitment means doing your best to make the other person happy."
• Dr. Laura Schlessinger [20:07]: "You have the gall, the nerve to call me to find out what you can say to a husband who's being mistreated by you?"
• Dr. Laura Schlessinger [24:46]: "Love is about knowing what would make the other person happy and then doing it."

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This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of Dr. Laura's episode, providing valuable insights and actionable advice for couples seeking to navigate the complexities of long-term love and commitment.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Gary]

Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Falling in love really takes no effort. You feel all those horny, happy butterflies because it's new. It feeds your ego, feeds your fantasies, distracts you from everything. It's just wonderful. But that doesn't last. There's no way in the universe you're going to be doing all the same gaga romantic stuff you did while you were dating after you've been married many years. However, if you don't keep up the sweetness, the silliness, the tenderness, the affection, the thoughtfulness, the forgiveness. Yeah, you're going to be calling me just like Gary did, telling me, oops, I have fallen out of love. Ouch. Gary, welcome to the program.

[Ben]

Hello, Dr. Laura. How are you?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. What's up?

[Ben]

I have a question for you. I've been listening to you a long time and I think I know the answer. You're going to slap me around here a little bit, but I. I just had to ask you, like, I need your insurance. What do you do, Dr. Laura, when you built a life around all your values, love, marriage, thick and thin, staying through everything, making things work. And you wake up over and over again realizing it's just not what it used to be. And this isn't. This isn't what you want anymore.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, nothing is ever what it used to be. Oh, let me ask you something. Let me ask you something. I have a Few questions to ask you. I'm not going to slap you around, but I have a few questions to ask you. When you first met her, you did behaviors to court her, to get her attention, to get her in bed, all that stuff. You didn't love her, but you did behaviors which contributed to building a feeling. Remember?

[Ben]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You don't do any of that anymore.

[Ben]

You know what's funny?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I expect to have a feeling you're going to tell me you do all of them, and I'm going to call you a liar. And then I will slap you around.

[Ben]

No, you're right. Neither one of us do it anymore. But what's really weird is that if we had a whole show, I could I. My relationship with my wife is truly like a love at first sight. Met at age. A very young age, fell in love, have a. I mean, we have the greatest relationship.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You didn't fall in love. That's infatuation. The love is what evolves from that. And if you don't keep up the behaviors, you don't have the feelings. That's something that most people don't seem to get. Example, a man called me, complaining, like you, and he was going to leave. And I said, okay, tonight, just give me one night. I want you, when you walk by her, just to touch her. That's it. That's. I don't want you to say anything. I just want you to touch her. Because they haven't even touched each other. I mean, they lay in bed on opposite sides. They could both fall off, there's an earthquake, two people on the floor. Okay.

[Ben]

Have you been in my bedroom, Dr.

[Erin]

Lo?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Probably. Oh, gee, don't say that. That makes me sound weird. Okay, so. So he called me back the next day, stunned, because he got up to go to the refrigerator to get some margarine or butter. I don't know which one. It doesn't really matter. And he ran his fingers across the back of her neck as he walked by her, behind her, and it was like electricity because it had the memory. He had the feel, the touch memory that they had both just let go. And he called me the next day and said, I'm not leaving, and I'm doing a lot more of this touching stuff. So all I can tell you is that the behaviors you did were to build the thing you call love. Once those behaviors stop, of course you look at each other and you say, I don't love her. And she probably has the same feeling about you. But if you went back to the touching, you'd be Surprised what you discover?

[Ben]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Do the stuff you used to do to feel the feeling. It can't happen in a vacuum. And touching is probably the singular. It's infinitely more important than discussions. It's the single most incredible form of communication that human beings have is touching. And that's why preemies in the preemie ward, they have volunteers in there all the time to touch the babies. If they don't, they don't thrive. We absolutely live and breathe on touch. I tell people shut up and just hug that person. Just shut up. Doesn't mean anything. Hold them. You'd be surprised, sir. Try me out tonight in bed. Take your hand and just caress her hair. Just caress her hair. That's it. No big deal. Don't try to cop a feel. Just caress her hair. Guarantee you I know what she's going to feel like.

[Ben]

I'll try it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, we don't try things on my program, sir. This is a Yoda. This is not a Yoda free zone. We don't try, we do things. Trying means I put one toe in the water and go, eh, forget it. Doing things mean we make a commitment. That's why I don't permit trying, I only permit doing. Good luck with that. Because long term love relationship is a terrible thing to lose. And if you think it's easy to find somebody to love, good luck. Infatuation, it's so much fun. It is a nice feeling and I think the reason it was planted into our DNA is so we would stay around long enough to maybe develop love. But happy long term relationships don't revolve around infatuation and sexual attraction. People want to maintain a feeling that is simply impossible to maintain at the level of. People want to maintain a feeling that is simply impossible to maintain at the level you first feel it when it's all novel. So what happens? Well, for some of you when the emotional high and the charm starts to fade after a couple of years, you go looking for another soulmate, you have affairs, you ruin your marriage or bounce from love to love. Because you think real love is just about those steamy, sexy days of fun and excitement. Your focus on feeling tingly all over. And then you ruin your lives and also your kids lives. And that's what Ben and Aaron were about to do when they called me. Ben and Erin.

[Gary]

Laura, thanks for taking our call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Sure. Hi Erin. How old is everybody and how long have you been married?

[Gary]

I am 35. My wife is 26. We have a three year old son. We have been married for six years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And dearly beloved, we are gathered here together right now because.

[Gary]

Tuesday night, my wife and I, we expressed it. We love each other as people. We are not in love with each other. We have not been happy for a while. I think there are some attraction issues.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are you sorry you were in love with each other as people and in love with each other when you were dating?

[Gary]

I think that the question we have, Were we in love or were we in love of lust?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, please. Okay. Erin, are you listening?

[Erin]

Yes, ma'am.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Shame on both of you. How dare you start parsing the word love. How dare both of you with a child start parsing the word love after you made sacred vows. Additionally, how dare you both behave that self centeredly? How dare you both. So here's the reality. Lust, excitement. That is the normal beginning part of every relationship on the face of the earth. And when you see people who look like they're about 92, walking, holding hands, it's not because they didn't have a day like today. I don't know, maybe it was just passion. I don't know if I love you. And what they did is they honored their commitment. Honoring the commitment doesn't mean just to be there and be bitchy and pissy and self centered. Honoring your commitment means doing your best to make the other person happy. Because that's the vow you made to love, honor and cherish. And neither one of you is doing shit to follow the vows you took. So with neither one of you following your vows, of course you're not happy.

[Erin]

Right?

[Gary]

Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So I'd like you each to get up tomorrow morning and the first thought in your minds is going to be in Erin's mind. How can I make Ben happy today that he's married to me? And Ben, you're going to wake up, look at Aaron and say to yourself, what can I do today to make Erin happy? She's married to me. These could be big things or little things. Rushing to get her the coffee before she's struggling with the baby, trying to make her coffee herself. I don't know what it'll be, but if the two of you would stop being self centered babies, you could have one of the most magnificent marriages ever seen.

[Gary]

Right. Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So Erin, what are you going to wake up and say tomorrow in your own head, not out loud.

[Erin]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I said, what are you going to say tomorrow when you wake up in your own head?

[Erin]

Want me to say it out loud?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes. Right now you can say it out loud. I just want to make sure you Got it? Right. And then it'll be Ben's turn.

[Erin]

How? How?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How can I make his day better and make him happy he's married to me. How can I make Ben happy today that he's married to me? Now you say it.

[Erin]

And happy today that he is married to me?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, Ben, your turn.

[Gary]

How can I make Erin happy that she's married to me?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Now? How do you think tomorrow's going to go if both of you wake up thinking that and act on it like you vowed to do? Marriages that are good don't just happen because you there, because you wake up in the same house. Marriages don't last and flourish because you're just freaking there. They require two people to wake up every day wanting to make the other person happy that they chose you to marry. And without both of you doing that, I'm too tired. The kids. I have a hard time at work. I have the traffic. Then there was the finances and your mother's a bitch and all the rest of that. And put your vows aside. No marriage would last. No marriage does last. Second thing. Five years after a divorce, over 70% of people realize they made a mistake. Third thing, all children are totally screwed up when parents divorce. All of them. Different degrees. Different degrees and different. Yeah, probably. If your parents would divorce. It explains why we're here right now. Because you learned nothing about what a commitment really is, what the vows mean. And they don't mean, I get to have a party now. They mean that you promise in the sight of God and each other and your community and your families that you're going to wake up every day and love, honor and cherish. That's the vow you made. And everybody seems to forget that vow, except those people who look like they're about 95, walking along holding hands. How do you think they got there? Think about that. And do you really want to be 95 with nobody's hand to hold?

[Gary]

No.

[Erin]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Do you really think it's going to go better with some other guy? Some other gal?

[Gary]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Then, please, I beg you. If you do exactly what I tell you to do, in about one week, you're going to erect a monument to me in your house.

[Gary]

Thank you. Looking forward to it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Me, too. I want to know what color, size, shape it's going to be. Seriously, because you two have this in your hands. Don't drop it.

[Gary]

Will do. Say bye, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, God, I'm having a cute attack. Hi, sweetie. What's her name?

[Gary]

Hayden.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hayden. That's a wonderful name. Hayden. Say bye again. Say bye bye Dr. Laura.

[Gary]

Say bye bye. Love you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh God. Take a lesson from this kid. Okay, okay. I'm having a total cute attack. I love cute attacks. They're some of the best parts of your life. I'm going to take a little break now just to give you enough time to think of what your spouse is probably thinking right now about you. Hmm. I'll be right back.

[Gary]

Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Jennifer]

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[Gary]

Dr. Lara's much deeper, deep dive podcast.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

When I read letters on air from people who've been happily married for decades, there are two things that have happened. One, they matured into appreciating the safety, the security, the bonding, the trust, the companionship, the comfort. They see those as extremely valuable. At the same time, they have learned to ignore some of the small little stuff, the itty bitty cross crap that you really shouldn't be paying any attention to because so what? You didn't sweat the small stuff when you were dating. You didn't point out every little deficit or annoying behavior or habit. Well, have the same attitude when you're married. There is no marriage without some amount of annoyance. Not one, no two people are 100% compatible. If you want your marriage to be a success, don't turn off your love and tenderness when things aren't perfect, like my caller Jennifer had done when we spoke. Jennifer, welcome to the program.

[Erin]

Hello, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hi.

[Erin]

Thanks for taking my call. Hey, I am. I'm calling you because my husband. I just wanted your advice on what you would say to your husband after 14 years if he said to you, I, I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you anymore because.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No. No, I don't know if I'm in love with you because.

[Erin]

Well, and that's the thing. I think it's because it is. I mean, I'm guessing because I've asked him why and he won't say, but it's because I'm not affectionate with him, which I listen to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You have the nerve to call me to ask me what? Listen, may I say my all sentence out before you jump on me?

[Erin]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Then you can jump on me. You have the gall, the nerve to call me to find out what you can say to a husband who's being mistreated by you?

[Erin]

Yeah, I knew you were going to say that. I listened to you all the time. I definitely knew that was coming.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But if you don't rub a puppy behind its ears, it's probably not going to come up to you when you come home. The hell you expect. So what's your excuse for not fulfilling your vows? To love, honor, cherish. Cherish is about the affectioning, amongst other things. So tell me why you're breaching your marital vows.

[Erin]

I think it's. Well, my husband is one that does not.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I am asking you why you are breaching your marital vows and try to answer that without mentioning him.

[Erin]

Because I'm resentful.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, what a bitch.

[Erin]

I'm resentful. Towards him.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, what a bitch. I'm resentful. And that gives me the right to hurt him back. I'm resentful. So you allow your perception of somebody else to determine your character? I never do that. I don't allow anybody else's behavior to me to change my character. Never. I will never give anybody that much control.

[Erin]

That's huge.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're resentful about something. I bet if you were very affectionate, whatever, the thing you were resentful for would probably change a bit. Because men are really easy to change.

[Erin]

Okay, you're right. That's actually sounds really simple. I mean, that's simple.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah, it's unbelievably, hilariously simple. And I feel like we should whisper it. Guys are so easily twisted around our fingers when we treat them with love, attention, affection, admiration, and definitely. Let's go back to affection again. They will eat the palm of your hands. Unless you've got a sociopath, a narcissist, an addict, or some other kind of pathetic creature. But I doubt you have one of those.

[Erin]

No, I don't. I don't. You're right. I think. I think I just need to get over my madness. I'm just so mad that he said that. That I just need to, like, get over that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I guess I'm glad he said that. You deserved it. How dare you. It's like women call me. They've gotten fat and sloppy and their husbands say, you know, I'm not as turned on to you because you're kind of hefty £50 more. Oh, and they call me. How could he say that? What a mean, rude body shaming me. Well, you are fat. And fat is not sexy and pretty. If it's something you can take care of, take care of. Don't bitch. But women have called me and done the same thing you did. What can I say to him? He's such a bad man. No, he's not. He's telling you the truth. We say we want to hear the truth, but when they tell us the truth, we get pissy.

[Erin]

Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He doesn't feel loving toward you because you don't feed him. Feed him and you can turn him around in a day.

[Erin]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

One day. One day.

[Erin]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Not even six months of therapy. One day. Have you read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands? No. Go read it. Go read it. Seven chapters and the seventh one is thin. I tend to make my points succinctly. She's resentful that he told her the truth, huh? I'm going to take a break. And I would really like you to name 10 annoying things about your spouse. Are you ripping through those? Are they piling up quickly? Now let's balance that with a thousand wonderful things your spouse does for you you're ignoring and I'll be right back.

[Gary]

Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive podcast deeper Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast Deep.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Falling in love takes no effort staying in love? Yeah, that's another story. When you're wondering if you're really in love anymore, ponder the word in as investment. What are you investing into your relationship? Love is about knowing what would make the other person happy and then doing it. How are you trying to keep things fun and interesting, sweet and loving when the excitement starts to fade? Before you tell yourself or your spouse, I'm just not in love anymore, make sure you're treating kindly. Express your gratitude for your relationship out loud. Talk, Touch Forget about imperfections. Nothing is perfect, and thinking it could or should puts undue stress on the relationship in your psyche. I wrote a book, the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. It's a great place to start if you're looking to breathe new life into your union. And my Marriage 101 course [e-mail] has helped tens of thousands of women improve and even save their relationship. And of course, I'm always here to speak with you, so give me a call. 1-800-Doctor Laura Go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.