Deep Dive: Is It Time to Excommunicate Your Mother-In-Law?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura's Deep Dive - "Is It Time to Excommunicate Your Mother-In-Law?"

Release Date: July 17, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

---

Introduction: The Ideal Mother-in-Law and Daughter-in-Law Relationship

Dr. Laura Schlessinger opens the episode by reflecting on her experiences interacting with mothers and daughters-in-law during her book signings across the country. She emphasizes the rarity and beauty of harmonious relationships between these two pivotal women in a man's life.

"It was so touching when two of the most important women in a man's life actually like one another, maybe even love one another." [00:54]

Dr. Laura believes that when mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law can cultivate mutually respectful relationships, it not only prevents competition for the man's affection but also creates a supportive team that enhances his life. She underscores the importance of both women being emotionally healthy and open to forming such bonds.

---

Caller Segment 1: Robert's Struggle with His Mother's Disapproval

Caller: Robert
Issue: Poor relationship between his wife and mother, intensified by his brother.

Robert reaches out seeking advice about his wife’s strained relationship with his mother and brother. He describes his mother as a "Jewish mother," implying she often criticizes and feels no one is good enough for her son.

"My mother is kind of the Jewish mother where nobody was kind of good enough for her son type thing." [02:00]

Despite his wife's amicable relationships with others, she faces continuous undermining from Robert's mother, both before and after their marriage. Dr. Laura bluntly challenges Robert's decision to expose his wife to such negativity, emphasizing that his family dynamics are detrimental to his marriage.

"Your family's not nice. You're not going to bring them together." [04:16]

She advises Robert to prioritize his wife over his family, suggesting that maintaining harmony in his marriage should take precedence over familial obligations.

---

Caller Segment 2: Casey's Dependency on Her Mother

Caller: Casey
Issue: Excessive emotional dependence on her mother affecting her marriage.

Casey admits to being a "mommy's girl" with a deep fear of disappointing her mother. Her mother's cold demeanor when Casey feels she has disappointed her creates an unhealthy dynamic where Casey feels responsible for her mother's well-being.

"I feel like it's my job to make sure she's taken care of in her older age." [06:13]

Dr. Laura is critical of Casey’s inability to establish boundaries, pointing out that her emotional dependence is detrimental to her marriage. She sternly advises Casey to prioritize her husband and children over her mother, labeling her behavior as destructive.

"You never should have married until you became an independent woman." [06:35]

Casey struggles to articulate her feelings effectively, leading Dr. Laura to highlight the necessity of taking responsibility and making decisive changes to protect her family unit.

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Discussion: The Necessity of Severing Ties with a Toxic Mother-in-Law

Dr. Laura delves deeper into the topic, advocating that severing ties with a problematic mother-in-law may be essential to preserve the sanctity of a marriage. She addresses the common emotional barriers—such as guilt and fear of familial alienation—that prevent individuals from taking such drastic steps.

"When a mother in law does not get along with her daughter or son in law, you do have to worry about her alienating her grandchildren from their own parents." [12:53]

She emphasizes that allowing a toxic relationship to persist can have long-term negative effects on both the marriage and the children involved. Dr. Laura argues that protecting one’s immediate family from external negativity is paramount.

---

Caller Segment 3: Haley and Austin's Battle with In-Law Interference

Callers: Haley and Austin
Issue: Austin’s parents consistently undermining Haley, including spreading false rumors about her mental health.

Haley and her husband Austin discuss their ongoing struggles with Austin's parents, who have persistently tried to discredit Haley by suggesting she has bipolar disorder. Despite attempts at establishing no contact, the in-laws continue to interfere, causing significant strain on the marriage.

"She talked to my grandma about apparent mental issues that I have apparently heard from my grandma that I'm bipolar." [14:10]

Dr. Laura is unequivocal in her advice, instructing Austin to fully commit to cutting off ties with his parents to protect his marriage and children.

"No contact means no contact. Zero. No holidays, no birthdays. Zero." [20:47]

She stresses that Austin must choose between his role as a husband and father or remaining a subordinate to his mother's destructive behavior. Dr. Laura dismantles any notions of a "fine line," asserting that there is no middle ground when it comes to such deeply rooted familial conflicts.

"You're either a man or you're not." [16:21]

Haley and Austin acknowledge Dr. Laura's advice, recognizing the necessity of enforcing strict boundaries to safeguard their family's well-being.

---

Conclusion: Empowerment Through Decisive Action

Dr. Laura wraps up the episode by reinforcing the importance of prioritizing one's immediate family over toxic extended family members. She encourages listeners to take bold steps to protect their marriages and children from disruptive external influences.

"When a man feels the sense that he is the protector of his family, it really makes him feel strong, powerful and wonderful and meaningful in life." [21:46]

Dr. Laura emphasizes that embracing this role leads to personal empowerment and a healthier family dynamic, while catering to a toxic parent leads to diminished self-worth and familial discord.

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Key Takeaways

• Prioritize Your Marriage: Dr. Laura advises that the health and happiness of the marital relationship should take precedence over extended family ties, especially when those relationships are toxic.

• Set Firm Boundaries: Establishing clear and uncompromising boundaries with problematic in-laws is crucial for protecting the integrity of the marriage and the well-being of the children.

• Take Responsibility: Individuals must take ownership of their actions and decisions, avoiding blame-shifting and emotional dependencies that can harm their family units.

• Empowerment Through Action: Making difficult decisions to distance oneself from destructive family members can lead to greater personal strength and a more harmonious household.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "It was so touching when two of the most important women in a man's life actually like one another, maybe even love one another." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [00:54]

• "Your family's not nice. You're not going to bring them together." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [04:16]

• "You never should have married until you became an independent woman." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [06:35]

• "When a mother in law does not get along with her daughter or son in law, you do have to worry about her alienating her grandchildren from their own parents." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [12:53]

• "No contact means no contact. Zero. No holidays, no birthdays. Zero." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [20:47]

• "You're either a man or you're not." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [16:21]

• "When a man feels the sense that he is the protector of his family, it really makes him feel strong, powerful and wonderful and meaningful in life." – Dr. Laura Schlessinger [21:46]

---

Final Thoughts

In this compelling episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides no-nonsense advice on navigating the often tumultuous relationships between spouses and their in-laws. Through real-life caller scenarios, she underscores the necessity of making tough decisions to maintain the sanctity of marriage and ensure the well-being of one's children. Her candid and ethical approach offers listeners clear guidance on prioritizing their immediate family's happiness over extended familial conflicts.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

When I would travel the country for book signings, one of the most special combinations of people to arrive at my table would be mothers and daughters in law. It was so touching when two of the most important women in a man's life actually like one another, maybe even love one another. While it is sadly not the norm, I've always believed that when a mother in law and a daughter in law can open their hearts to receive the blessing of their relationship, they not only don't have to compete for importance to the man they mutually love, but they can team up to make his life better.

That's super.

It's especially lovely when the in law relationship provides the mother daughter relationship that.

One or both women may have missed.

Out in their biological families. In addition to both loving the man they share emotionally, being an in law brings something that was previously absent in their own lives. Of course, for this scenario to work, she certain requirements must be fulfilled. The mother must be emotionally healthy, basically satisfied with what she has made of her life and open to a relationship with her new daughter in law. A woman like Robert's mom is not what I mean.

Robert, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura, recently a new listener. Love the show. Thank you.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you. I was calling for advice about my wife and her very poor relationship with my mom and my brother. Basically my family. My dad is kind of on the peripheral, but mostly my mom.

[Dr. Laura]

Does your wife get along with anybody?

[Caller]

She does. She's a unique personality, but she is, she does get along with a lot of people. Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, how come she doesn't get along with anybody in your family?

[Caller]

My mother is kind of the Jewish mother where nobody was kind of good enough for her son type thing. I'm sure, you know, and you know, even before we got married, she would give little digs to her and you know, it's along those lines. And then I think it exacerbated the whole problem when.

[Dr. Laura]

Is your wife Jewish?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. And is she more Jewishy or less Jewishy than your mom?

[Caller]

Oh, no one in the family is really Jewish. I just use that as a. No one's really religious in the family, I should say. But I would say she's less Jewish.

[Dr. Laura]

So your wife walked into a situation of obnoxious people?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, why do you expose her to that?

[Caller]

I don't, to be honest. I mean, we don't, I guess because.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you're calling to bring them together. Why would you want to do that if your mother's so unpleasant?

[Caller]

I guess because I grew up in such a tight knit family that it's kind of upsetting.

[Dr. Laura]

Honey, that was then. This is now. Your family is your wife.

[Caller]

No, I know, and I always back her up. Whenever there's any issue.

[Dr. Laura]

There'S always an issue. Your family's not nice. You're not going to bring them together.

[Caller]

All right, fair enough.

[Dr. Laura]

Your girlfriend had called me before she married you. I would have tried to talk her out of marrying you.

[Caller]

Why? I'm a nice guy, Dr. Laura, come on.

[Dr. Laura]

I would have said that's not enough.

Because these other people are going to cause you a lot of unpleasantness.

Because he's going to want to. He's going to want to be around them. Because after all, we were so close. And I want our children, our dog and our parakeet to know my family who is not nice. So I would have warned her against you. So you calling me up? Yeah. I would have told her to find a nice family with a nice guy to marry. I mean, there are nice guys who have pleasant families. Okay, well, so you're lucky she didn't call me. But make her lucky she married you and don't try to force her to deal with your sweet mother.

Even after their children marry, some mothers lay a huge amount of inappropriate guilt on their children and try to manipulate them into being responsible for and taking care of them. And some young women, like my caller Casey, are so unhealthily connected to their own mothers for support and approval, sometimes money, money, money, that the concept of husband comes first is just not in the gray matter. Casey, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome.

[Caller]

So I'm going to start out by, you know, kind of admitting that I'm. I've been always a mommy girl. I have a fear of kind of disappointing my mother and she.

[Dr. Laura]

I happens if you disappoint your mother?

[Caller]

I guess it's just.

[Dr. Laura]

No guessing. Tell me what happens should you disappoint your mother.

[Caller]

She tends to kind of be a little bit cold, and I just feel like for some reason, it's my job to make sure she's taken care of in her older age.

[Dr. Laura]

I hope you're never going to get married, right?

[Caller]

I am married.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, that's too bad. Do you have any kids?

[Caller]

I do. I have three children.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, that's too bad, because I'd tell you to leave him because he doesn't deserve what he's getting from you because you're a mama's girl. He doesn't deserve that. He didn't sign up for that. He signed up to be married to you, not your mother. And frankly, you never should have married until you became an independent woman. And it's fair to him and your family. And I don't really want to hear about your feelings because your feelings have no iq and the things you're doing out of your feelings are destructive to your family.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Repeat that to me.

[Caller]

Repeat that. I do a lot of.

[Dr. Laura]

Repeat to me what I just said.

[Caller]

That I am not going to express my feelings because they have no iq. I guess then if I could rephrase that.

[Dr. Laura]

No guessing. No guessing either.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

See, what you do is what people do when they don't want to take responsibility. Well, I guess. Well, my feeling is these are all ways to avoid declarative sentences and take responsibility.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Dr. Laura]

That's obligation.

[Caller]

That's exactly, I guess why I'm calling about my mom.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Your first obligation is to your husband and children, not your mother. And I am an older mother. My son's first obligation is to Tracy, his wife, not me.

[Caller]

Sure, I understand that.

[Dr. Laura]

Fortunately, if she and I were both drowning, he is Aquaman, and he'd be able to get us both out of the water. Feel sure of that. But if he were a wispy guy, I'd expect him to go for Tracy.

[Caller]

Mm.

[Dr. Laura]

So you trying to make sure that your mother is either happy or loves you is kind of sad.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Sad.

[Caller]

I agree. I agree.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I have to take a break. Remember that song?

Mother in law?

Mother in law, Worst person. Yeah, don't be that.

I'll be right back from the break.

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[Dr. Laura]

I would like to state up front that I see drop kicking a mother in law as the last resort, but it definitely may be necessary in many situations because a hideous relationship with a mother in law is enough to ruin the marriage. When it's clear that a continued relationship with a mother in law is dangerous and destructive, it is sadly in the best interest of the marriage for there to be severance. This seems to be a horrifying step for most folks, even those who yearn for the freedom from the tyranny of the mother or mother in law. There is first and foremost guilt. Because while it is your mother for goodness sake, people feel selfish, mean, scared to disconnect from their mother even if she is a reject from the Night of the Living Dead you don't want to give up the hope of improvement, but on the other hand, you can't bear the direct and indirect salvos. What always throws me into a spin with a caller on the air is when they have ceased and desisted from contact with a mother in law but worry and wonder about how their child will be without grandparents. I'm always flabbergasted to that they would want their children to experience the negativity, criticism, harshness, lack of warmth while they're protecting themselves from it. When a mother in law does not get along with her daughter or son in law, you do have to worry about her alienating her grandchildren from their own parents. As I explained to Haley and Austin when they called.

Haley, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you for taking my call. I also have my husband on the line.

Hi Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi.

And what's your first name?

[Caller]

My name is Austin.

[Dr. Laura]

Austin, I just didn't want to call you husband. Okay. What can I help you? How long have you guys been married?

[Caller]

Three years.

[Dr. Laura]

Three years. Do you have any kids? If so, how many? How old?

[Caller]

Yes, we have almost two year olds and. Oh, sorry babe. And a three month old.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh wow. How come there's no yelling, crying.

[Caller]

One is pushing a basket around the house and the other one is sleeping currently. So I got a good partner.

[Dr. Laura]

What can I help you with?

[Caller]

Yeah, we are kind of just wondering how to go forward with my husband's parents. So my in laws, we've always kind of had issues with them. I don't want to tell you everything but the most.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, you're going to need to tell me everything. I need to know the issues that you've always had. Just list the issues.

[Caller]

Okay. I mean she's never liked me. When we got engaged, she thought out, told me I was taking his son away. They said that we would never make it, we would end up living back in their house, we got an apartment and then when we tried to move to a different state, they told us that we wouldn't make that. There's always been issues and I should have been smart enough to see that, but I didn't. The latest issue was his mother went to my grandma's house while we are out of state. She talked to my grandma about apparent mental issues that I have apparently heard from my grandma that I'm bipolar, then texted my best friend behind my back, asked my best friend if I was bipolar and asked her what was going on. That was the straw for me. I've already been through a lot with the parents. And my kids are number one. I don't know why she wants to find out. I'm bipolar. I don't know. I'm not bipolar. I don't know why she's trying to claim that. So for me, I told my husband I will no longer be around her. If she wants to see my kids, that will be in a public setting. You will be there, and I will not.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no. You cannot let her around your kids. You will try to destroy the relationship you have with them. That would be a really foolish thing.

[Caller]

That's what I've been trying to tell my husband, that he wants his parents around them, and that's my issue.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Austin, Haley say anything that was not correct?

[Caller]

Nope. That is all absolutely correct.

[Dr. Laura]

And why do you allow your mother to attempt to destroy her in your marriage? Why do you permit it?

[Caller]

Quite honestly, I don't know. I think the biggest.

[Dr. Laura]

You don't know why you're not protecting your woman?

[Caller]

No, I know I need to protect her and cut that off. But it's just hard with it being my family. But, you know, I have my family now.

[Dr. Laura]

And once you get married, your mother is not your priority anymore. Your woman is. And your kids.

[Caller]

You are correct.

[Dr. Laura]

So you weren't ready for marriage? Is that what you're trying to tell me?

[Caller]

No, I was, but I don't know. There's that fine line that's still holding them.

[Dr. Laura]

There's no fine line. There is absolutely no fine line. No fine line. None. Zero. You're either a man or you're not. And this is one of those moments you prove it. And I don't think a man is a woman with a penis. I think you're an entirely different creature. And primarily you're built physically and mentally to protect your mother is dangerous and destructive. And the kids should have no contact with her. And the kids should have no contact with her because she will try to destroy the relation. She's trying to destroy your wife's relationships with her family, with her friends. After that, you should have stormed into the house and told your mom and dad, you guys are screwed. No contact, no holidays, no nothing. No contact. You're trying to destroy my family. I won't have it. That's what you should have done. In my effort to be humble opinion. And you can still do it. No, but kids. No contact. I'm sorry, I couldn't hear that.

[Caller]

I agree with you. And he did go to do that. And then his parents continued to say that I did have mental issues. And this and that. And then he pretty much towered down and allowed them to say that. And that's where my issue is. I feel like I'm not being protected. And he wants his parents to run.

[Dr. Laura]

You're not.

[Caller]

And they don't.

[Dr. Laura]

They're not.

[Caller]

And they're not. They don't. They stop.

[Dr. Laura]

I realize you have a lot of attention to get rid of, but either Austin's going to man up if he's. Or he's not. And if he's not going to man up, pick up your kids and go home to your mother.

[Caller]

That was my question. Because he's not. That's where I'm at, is he's not doing it. I've been over this and over this with him, and I know when you.

[Dr. Laura]

Hear me pounding, it's time to be quiet. Austin is on the phone with you. I just told him what the requirement to be a man is. He's either going to rise to the occasion or are you going home to your mother and Austin, do you have any questions you want to ask?

She's quiet. Haley.

Austin, do you have any question to ask Haley as to what extent she expects you to take care of this? You have any question to ask her?

[Caller]

No, I don't think so. Because I think she's already expressed what.

She needs.

[Dr. Laura]

And I expressed what I believe you're obligated to do as a man and as a husband and a father.

[Caller]

Correct.

[Dr. Laura]

You've got to stop being your mama's little boy.

[Caller]

That's over, Doctor.

[Dr. Laura]

Your mother is willing. Haley, if you don't be quiet, I'm going to leave.

[Caller]

I just want to ask a question. Sorry.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. All right. Talking to Austin now. You have any question to ask me?

[Caller]

Yeah, I know. We've already done the, you know, no contact, and that didn't work, I guess.

[Dr. Laura]

Of course. Wait, how can no contact work if you. If she's not talking to you guys?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

What are you talking about? How can no contact not work? She can't say anything snotty to your wife if your wife is not in the room with her.

[Caller]

No, I know. And we did no contact with my parents, and, you know, it just did not. They did not accept the no contact. Even after we said, here's when we'll reach out and try to work from there. And throughout that whole time was just constant texts, one after the other through that whole time. You know.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, stop for a moment. Stop for a moment. Stop. You block them and you have no interaction. When you say you're going to cease Contact. You do it. You cease it. You block it. You stop it. You've got a wife with two little kids. Do you want her to be a good mother and do you want her to feel sexy about you? Just answer yes or no.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you're not going to get either if you don't take care of this constantly. So no contact means no contact. Zero. No holidays, no birthdays. Zero. Until your mother acknowledges the evil she's done and does something to repair it. Like talk to all these people to whom she suggested your wife was nuts because she's trying to destroy your wife, the mother of your children, and a human being who's innocent. So unless she's willing to take responsibility for everything she's done and make an effort to repair it, there's nothing you can do. We can't say we'll have a dinner and it'll be nice.

[Caller]

You're right. I get that. Nope. I think that's what we needed to hear.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. You take care of your woman. I gotta tell you, when a man feels the sense that he is the protector of his family, it really makes him feel strong, powerful and wonderful and meaningful in life. When a man realizes he caters to his wretched mother, he does not feel those wonderful feelings I of being strong and a man and powerful in life. So you have to pick which you want to be.

A strong, powerful man in your life.

Or your mommy's a little cowering baby boy. You have to pick it. And this is your turning point.

[Caller]

Will do.

[Dr. Laura]

And I bet you can more than.

Rise to this occasion.

I would put my. I would put my money down on you. Yeah, I would put my money on you. Yes, I would.

[Caller]

Thank you, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome.

Got to take a break. And I want you daughters in law.

To think about what it will be.

Like in your future when 1. Your kid leaves your uterus. 2, your kid leaves your home. 3, your kid marries somebody else.

I'll be right back.

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[Dr. Laura]

Worry about hurting other people's feelings, even when the other person could start in the vampire series Twilight. That's why I spend a lot of time on my radio programs supporting folks who find it so difficult to do what will inevitably be their psychological salvation. Excommunicate the Mother in Law Is your relationship with your mother in law way too challenging? Well, give me a call. We can Talk about it at 1-800-DURO or visit drlaura.com to make an appointment.

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Now go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast.

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