Deep Dive: Most Divorce is Unnecessary

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – Deep Dive: Most Divorce is Unnecessary

Episode Overview

In the June 5, 2025 episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, renowned therapist and radio host Dr. Laura Schlessinger delves into the topic of divorce, arguing that the majority of divorces are avoidable. Through insightful discussions, real-life caller stories, and actionable advice, Dr. Laura explores the underlying reasons couples decide to part ways and offers strategies to preserve marriages.

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Introduction: The Myth of Marital Compatibility (00:46 – 04:34)

Dr. Laura opens the episode by reflecting on the enduring love of elderly couples, emphasizing that long-lasting marriages aren't a result of perfect compatibility but rather the ability to let go of minor grievances and work through significant issues. She sets the stage for the episode by expressing her intent to teach listeners how to prevent unnecessary divorces.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (00:46): "No two people are absolutely 100% completely compatible. None."

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Understanding the Impact of Divorce (04:35 – 08:28)

Dr. Laura underscores the profound sadness of divorce, especially when children are involved, describing it as a "cruel disaster" for the kids. She stresses the importance of salvaging marriages to ensure familial stability and personal happiness.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (02:30): "When there are kids involved, it's a cruel disaster for the children."

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Contributing Factors to Divorce (08:28 – 15:06)

Dr. Laura categorizes the reasons for divorce into hard and soft reasons:

• Hard Reasons: Irreparable issues such as chronic affairs, chemical dependencies, gambling, or a partner's unwillingness to change.

• Soft Reasons: Common concerns like unhappiness, growing apart, poor communication, and individual faults.

She emphasizes that soft reasons often warrant repair rather than divorce, encouraging individuals to introspect and take responsibility for their own contributions to marital issues.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (08:28): "There are some hardcore reasons that I think justify a divorce, and then there are the soft reasons."

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Caller Story: Tracy's Transformation (08:28 – 11:23)

Tracy shares her personal story of nearly divorcing her husband during the pandemic. Inspired by Dr. Laura's advice, she made a small yet significant change—offering her husband a hug—which transformed their relationship. This simple act of physical touch and emotional support helped them navigate through challenging times together.

Tracy (08:52): "One day I walked in and he was already in that mood and I just walked over and gave him a hug. I swear that changed our lives."

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Dr. Laura's Approach to Marital Therapy (11:23 – 14:02)

Dr. Laura critiques traditional marital therapy that focuses on cataloging negative behaviors, which often exacerbates tensions. Instead, she advocates for revisiting the positive aspects of a relationship, such as fond memories and initial attractions, to rekindle love and connection.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:00): "We spend an hour starting from the day you met and every wonderful thing that happened."

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Further Caller Story: Jack's Divorce Dilemma (15:06 – 19:01)

Jack, a 44-year-old man, calls in distraught about explaining his impending divorce to his children. Dr. Laura listens to his concerns and challenges his perception that he and his wife have "gradually fallen out of love." She argues that such gradual drifting is often a result of complacency and a lack of continuous effort to nurture the marriage.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:03): "There's probably no need for this divorce. Yeah, there's probably no need."

She cites research indicating that over 70% of people regret divorcing after five years, highlighting the importance of resolving issues rather than giving up.

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Caller Story: Angela's 19-Year Marriage on the Brink (21:27 – 25:31)

Angela seeks advice as she prepares to celebrate her 19th anniversary but feels that communication with her husband has deteriorated over the past five years. Dr. Laura advises her to adopt simple, positive behaviors—such as being nicer, offering compliments, and actively listening—without immediately resorting to conflict.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (22:25): "Why don't you just start the ball rolling and be nicer and never raise your voice."

Angela implements Dr. Laura's suggestions, leading to improved communication and a rejuvenated marital relationship.

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Strategies to Prevent Unnecessary Divorce (25:31 – 29:59)

Dr. Laura outlines actionable steps for couples to strengthen their marriages:

1. Positive Communication: Focus on being kind, offering compliments, and actively listening instead of criticizing.
2. Reminiscing Positive Memories: Regularly revisit and cherish fond memories to reinforce emotional bonds.
3. Taking Responsibility: Each partner should acknowledge and address their own faults rather than blaming the other.
4. Consistent Effort: Building and maintaining a happy marriage requires ongoing dedication and intentional actions.

She reiterates that many divorces stem from avoidable issues and that with the right approach, marriages can be saved and even thrive.

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Conclusion and Final Thoughts (29:04 – End)

Dr. Laura wraps up the episode by encouraging listeners to implement the discussed strategies to enhance their marriages. She emphasizes that small, consistent acts of kindness and communication can create significant positive changes, preventing unnecessary divorces and fostering lasting happiness.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (29:04): "What do you need to change today to make your marriage better? How can you be sweeter?"

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger (00:46): "No two people are absolutely 100% completely compatible. None."

• Tracy (08:52): "I just walked over and gave him a hug. I swear that changed our lives."

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger (16:03): "There's probably no need for this divorce. Yeah, there's probably no need."

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger (22:25): "Why don't you just start the ball rolling and be nicer and never raise your voice."

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger (29:04): "What do you need to change today to make your marriage better? How can you be sweeter?"

---

Key Takeaways

1. Divorce is Often Preventable: Many marriages dissolve due to solvable issues that can be addressed with effort and positive communication.
2. Importance of Positive Interactions: Simple acts like hugging, complimenting, and reminiscing positive memories can significantly strengthen marital bonds.
3. Taking Personal Responsibility: Each partner must acknowledge their own contributions to marital problems and work towards personal growth.
4. Continuous Commitment: Sustaining a happy marriage requires ongoing dedication, intentional behaviors, and mutual respect.

By focusing on these principles, Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides a roadmap for couples to navigate marital challenges and foster enduring, fulfilling relationships.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive Dr.

[Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast]

Laura's deep dive Podcast when you see.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

A really adorable old couple and they look like they've been married 120 years, they're all wrinkled, hunched over, walking down the street, holding hands, you may be tempted to think they had some kind of special luck to make it together for that long. No two people are absolutely 100% completely compatible. None. If you were to ask them what the key to their marital success has been, frankly, they likely tell you that they learned to let a lot of stuff go. They endured and maybe even ignored things that weren't going to change. They may have had issues that would lead a lot of today's couples to divorce, but they found a way to work through them. And in this deep dive, I want to teach you how to do the same so you can save your marriage.

[Dr. Laura]

Now, it's sad when two people divorce, period. When there are kids involved, it's a cruel disaster for the children. So it's really important to see if we can pull people back from that brink of divorce and actually have them be happy again. It's amazing what people can pull back from. Want to talk first about some of the contributing factors for divorce? There are some hard reasons to divorce and there are soft reasons, which I think warrant repair, not divorce. But before I go into these motivations, so you sit there and go, okay, I got a hard reason. I'm out of here. I want to talk a little bit about my training. Now. I was trained at usc. I don't know that the training was different anywhere else in the universe. That's an outstanding place to be educated and trained. I have not a complaint. I'm very grateful mentality, though, in general is to sit marital couples down and start talking about all the bad stuff. You know, why you're mad, why you're disappointed, why you're hurt, why you want to leave. And at the beginning of my training, because that was the training, that was the perspective. Let's get to what's wrong and catalog it. And fix it. And what I discovered quickly is that when you start cataloging it, it got worse. Because sitting there in a room, hearing each other bitch, complain, criticize, tear down did not do much for bringing people together. So I got to the point where I started a whole new way of looking at marital therapy. And no, I don't think all marriages should be saved. Some are so destructive or dangerous. No, but that's not the general rule. So I got to the point where I would do the following. I would sit there and look back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And then I would say, okay, let's roll the clock back. How did you meet? What did you think about each other when you first met? What are some of the cute stories? What are some of the funny things? What were some of the little scrapes you get into when you're young and.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da.

[Dr. Laura]

And then you come back together and it's so romantic. I got to talking about all of that, and what I would notice is that the folks sitting on the couch, because I would not have them in separate chairs. They came into separate chairs. That was bad.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I knew that was real bad.

[Dr. Laura]

Is they would start looking at each other and laughing. One would reach and touch the hand of the other. And all we were doing was reminiscing, wasn't giving a homework assignment, wasn't beating on anybody's head, wasn't ganging up on anybody. I mean, that did happen. Sometimes you just. Sometimes the things people do, you have to bang them on the head. You try not to do that in front of each other. I would try to get them in separate sessions, you know, a half an hour each, whatever, and then bring them together. But to go back over the good stuff, because I tell you what, start thinking of five horrible things. Dog poop all over your kitchen, the roof falling in and all your prized possessions being destroyed. Just think of five horrible things. Does that put you in a good mood? Does that make you feel good about today? Does that give you any sense of hope? Nope. Now think of five great things. The sun is shining. It's Friday. And when work is over, you get to really let down. You've got something cool planned for the weekend, maybe a picnic. The kids have a soccer game, and that's going to be fun. To sit there in the little lounge chairs with your lemonade and your peanuts and watch whatever sort of makes you smile. Well, it's kind of obvious what you talk about and what you imagine sets a mood changes the chemistry in your Head changes the way you think changes the way you feel at the moment. So when couples tell me we don't know how to communicate, you know what they're usually telling me? I bitch and complain at the other person. I yell and scream and they don't change and make me happy. That's why you hear me on the program so many times asking people to define their words because I don't know what they mean. I know what I mean when I use a certain word, but that doesn't mean they're using it that way. But think about it. I tell them time and time again. So obviously we have a problem with communication. Yeah, you're being bitchy. Catch more flies with honey than a smacking spatula. So there are some hardcore reasons that I think justify a divorce, and then there are the soft reasons. So the first thing I want people to do when there are the soft reasons for getting a divorce, and I'll go into those in a minute, is to look inside themselves because it's you. You're screwing up. Now, in the marriage, there are two you's, but you have to take responsibility for you screwing up. And the other party has to take responsibility for their screwing up. But you need to take responsibility. And if you do and change, it has a ripple effect.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Don't believe me? Listen to this call from Tracy about the one small change she made that turned her marriage around and helped Tracy and her husband get through the pandemic intact, in love and happily ever after. Tracy, welcome to the program.

[Tracy]

Hello.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Hello.

[Tracy]

Thank you for having me, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

What's up?

[Tracy]

Okay. I started listening to you a little bit over a year ago, and I don't even. I think I happened on your station on xm and I was actually in my head. I hadn't been talking to anybody else. I was thinking about leaving my husband. He's all of his life been diagnosed with depression and he's just sometimes would get really hard to live with. But I knew it before I married him and he would be so wonderful to me. But he had gotten into a deep depression and needed to change medications. And it was getting really hard. I thought, from now to dead is this way I want to live. I started listening to you and one day I walked in and he was already in that mood and I just walked over and gave him a hug. I swear that changed our lives. I started listening to you more often after that. That was just one day. One caller called and you said, just walk over and give him a hug.

[Dr. Laura]

Right.

[Tracy]

And I went from there and I have just really, believe it or not, controlled, not controlled, changed his moods just because I'm sweet to him. I respect him. I let him have opinions where I was getting so resentful. We have a wonderful marriage. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful marriage. We, we have sex again. We love each other, we come first, you know, no kids in the house, so it's us and the dog and the cat. And so with the pandemic, I work in the health field and he's retired and he went through a bout of cancer and the chemo ruined his immune system. So he's in our RV by himself and I drop off groceries. I've got to keep working. And he, he is doing so well and we never would have made it this far and through this pandemic, as far as we have without turning everything around last year. And I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[Dr. Laura]

Wow.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm very touched by that and I'm glad you did. Seemingly a simple thing, a hug. Okay, I'm going to take a break from doing whatever the heck I feel like doing and actually reach out to my dearly beloved and sort of even cuddle them through the phone. Be right back.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You see how something small can cause a huge meaningful ripple effect. Physical touch is so important. It has a lot of power to help turn things around. But instead of giving a hug, most people prefer to get on their high horse and be pissed off.

[Dr. Laura]

You didn't fulfill all my fantasies and every need I have. Okay, There are some intolerable, intolerable situations. Chronic affairs, chemical dependencies, gambling, persons not willing to change. If somebody won't work with you on that, I don't think you should have to live that way. Then there are the soft reasons. I'm not happy. We're growing apart. We're not communicating. You're screwing up.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

That's what I tried to explain to Jack when he called me, distraught over having to explain to his kids why he was moving out and why their parents were getting a divorce. Jack, welcome to the program.

[Jack]

Yes, Dr. Laura, nice to talk to you.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you.

[Jack]

I have a question. I'm a 44 year old guy going through a divorce right now and it's probably the worst day of my life. Tonight I have to go to my house, explain to my kids that I'm moving out.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And why are you moving out?

[Jack]

Because we're getting divorced.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Why are we getting divorced?

[Jack]

Well, I guess the best way I could explain it is we've been gradually falling out of love over a period of several years.

[Dr. Laura]

No, the two of you have not.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Been putting effort into your marriage, which is what you'll do with your next relationships. Also, because it's an attitude.

[Jack]

Yeah, I mean, I definitely can accept.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It doesn't happen by itself. It happens when two people don't put in, like when they were dating and they made it sure that the other person was always aware that they were there and they loved you. Blah.

[Dr. Laura]

Blah, blah.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And then we get married, and then we just start taking each other for granted and we call it falling out of love or growing apart. So there is probably no need for this divorce. Yeah, there's probably no need. Interestingly enough, all the research, and it's been multiple times. This is done five years after divorces. Over 70% of the people regret they did it. Yeah, I couldn't, because they realized it wasn't really necessary. They were just too damn lazy.

[Jack]

Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So why don't you go home and tell your wife what I just said? Because you guys could get back.

[Dr. Laura]

God, I can't tell you how many.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Times when I was in private practice, I had couples at your level of, well, we're growing apart, we don't love each other anymore, all this kind of stuff. And I'd say, okay, this is the first session. Now, the first session with a marital therapist is usually, tell me all your bitching gripes. And then you tell me all your bitching gripes, and then everybody leaves angrier than when they came in. That's not how I did it. How I did it is. I'd say, okay, what was it like when you first met?

[Dr. Laura]

How did you meet?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Suddenly, everybody's talking about these fond memories. And when was the first moment you thought, oh, he's cute. When was the first moment when you thought, ooh, she's a babe, Tell me about that? They'd spend an hour reminiscing and leave holding hands.

[Jack]

Yeah, we did that. Actually, we went to therapy.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

God, you spent an hour starting from the day you met and every wonderful thing that happened.

[Jack]

No, no, no, no, we didn't do that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, then stop, stop, stop. Go do it. I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. See what I mean? We did that. We did that. We spent two seconds. We did that. Did you spend a whole hour. Well, no, we didn't do that. Do it. Most divorces are totally unnecessary, and they don't necessarily lead you to be happier, or the magic of finding somebody else is just spontaneously going to make you happy. Then why is the second divorce rate.

[Dr. Laura]

Higher than the first?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Because that's a fantasy that can't be met. So don't throw away a perfectly good marriage because you've been damn lazy. Either one or both of you. You can call it growing apart, but the truth is that most of you are not putting in the effort to keep your marriage loving, sweet, happy and strong. And it doesn't do it all by itself.

[Dr. Laura]

Number one reason people say they're getting divorced is Growing apart. Soft reason, no, necessity. Grow back together. We're unable to talk to each other. Well, try listening rather than browbeating. What we've got here is failure to communicate. Cool Hand Luke. How your spouse handles money. A lot of times that's a tool to hurt each other. I'm going to control the money to hurt you. I'm going to spend the money to hurt you. About a little more than a third of the time. The spouse has problems. Mental, emotional problems. I contend you knew that before you married them. You don't abandon them later unless it becomes intolerable in the hard motivation, hard reasons way. They're not paying attention, pay more attention. And often because of the lack of attention, there's some infidelity. Because people have a need for companionship and understanding. If they're not getting it home, they unfortunately often look for it elsewhere. Religious reasons, in law problems, leisure activities, conflicts over to raise kids. Household responsibilities, taste and preferences, personal habits. These are all fixable. These are all not a big deal. But the more you talk to your girlfriends, because mostly the women do the chattering about how you'll get reinforcement. Oh, yeah. Da da da da da da da m. And so it goes. And the more you get reinforcement for what a jerk and a jackass and a creep and insensitive and boorish. And this is. And that's as you come home, look at your husband and say, don't touch me. And then on Valentine's Day, where's my present?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Luckily for Angela, she had the kind of girlfriend who would Recommend she call Dr. Laura instead of just agree with and feed in to her discontent. This conversation may have saved Angela's marriage. Angela, welcome to the program.

[Angela]

Hey, how are you?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Hi. What can I do for you?

[Angela]

I'm not really sure. I am getting ready to celebrate my 19th anniversary with my husband. And for the past about five or six years, we've been pretending that everything's okay. And neither one of us can really seem to get on the same page as far as communication. But we both have the boys and we love our kids and we want everything to work out, but we don't know what to do.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

How about be nicer?

[Angela]

I. I would agree with that. He probably would too.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Well, then why don't you just start the ball rolling and be nicer and never raise your voice. Never, never raise your voice. You're a woman who's busy, busy, busy. Not that patient can get irritated quickly with him. So you'll throw away a perfectly good marriage and a perfectly good family. Because you don't know how to behave. So if you'd simply only were nicer, gave a compliment, gave a smile, gave a hug when he started to discuss something, you'd actually keep your mouth shut and listen. And not argue with it. But listen.

[Angela]

You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So throwing away a perfectly good marriage and destroying the world for two kids seems stupid to me. This is so easily fixed, it makes me want to giggle. So here's your assignment. Without discussing it with him, you're going to be cute and sweet. Humorous. Tickly kiss on the cheek. A hug. If he starts talking about something, you will shut your mouth and just listen and show him that you're listening. Find things to compliment him on, no matter how big. No small even. Like, oh, you made good time getting home, honey. Great hug. Good to see you. Missed you. It's so minuscule. You know what? Sex becomes the least important thing when all of this exists.

[Angela]

I agree.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Even to men.

[Angela]

I agree with that, too.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So why don't you start acting like a sweet woman who's living for one reason. Who's living. Act like a sweet woman who is living for one reason. To make him happy. That's your only reason for breathing right now. To figure out how to make him happy every freaking day. If you make that your commitment, in two weeks, you're going to call and say I'm a genius.

[Angela]

I'm already thinking that you are. Because he's. He's been asking me to do that. So I understand. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You have it in you, sweetheart. You always did.

[Angela]

I'm glad that my best friend convinced me to call you. I'd never listened to you before today, so I'm glad that I did. Because you might have very well saved a family.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm hoping so. And I'm counting on you just to be the adorable, sweet woman you used to be. Until you lost your way.

[Angela]

Pretty damn good. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

You're welcome. My number. 1, 800, well, she. You know why I know this is going to work? This last call? Not because I'm a genius, but because she's open minded. See how quickly she just owned it? She didn't get defensive, she just owned it. People who do that are more likely going to succeed because they don't spend their time being defensive. They spend their time being creative. So I'm 100% certain she's going to pull this off. 100%. Not even 99. And that's why I do this on air. To help people like Angela and all of you who are listening become aware of what's standing between you and a wonderful marriage 75% of the time. If you divorce in five years, you'll regret it. Especially because divorce destroys children's lives. All right, I have to take a break now because I want to actually be honest with myself and think about how I could be a better spouse today. Be right back.

[Dr. Laura's Deep Dive Podcast]

Dr. Laura's deep dive Deep Dive Podcast.

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Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast Deep so.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What do you need to change today to make your marriage better? How can you be sweeter? What kinds of things can you start doing to make your spouse happy to come home to you? I'm here to help, so call me at 1-800-DOLDOR Laura or go to drlaura.com check out my marriage one on one online course and my books the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and the Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage. They've helped turn tens of thousands of marriages and are being modest around and can help yours too. Now go do the sweet thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen. Listen to my podcast, of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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