Deep Dive: Staying Married After Infidelity

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – Deep Dive: Staying Married After Infidelity

Release Date: August 7, 2025

Introduction

In this compelling episode of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses one of the most challenging issues in marital relationships: staying married after infidelity. Drawing upon her extensive experience and the heartfelt stories of her listeners, Dr. Laura explores the intricate dynamics of rebuilding trust, fostering accountability, and prioritizing family amidst betrayal.

Dr. Laura’s Initial Guidance

Dr. Laura begins by outlining her approach when couples seek her counsel following an affair. She emphasizes the importance of understanding whether the infidelity was a one-time event or part of a recurring pattern. Additionally, she highlights the necessity of assessing the affair's resolution—whether it ended because the offending partner was caught, chose to end it, or had a genuine change of heart.

“If we're not talking about a gross pattern of behavior and there is true remorse and a sincere desire to repair the damage, I'm likely going to suggest you stay and try to work on the marriage.” [Timestamp: 06:54]

She underscores that when children are involved, the decision to stay must carefully consider the familial impact, advocating that maintaining the marriage can often be in the best interest of all parties involved.

Listener Stories and Insights

To provide practical examples, Dr. Laura invites her listeners to share their personal experiences and strategies for overcoming infidelity within their marriages. Several women call in, each offering unique perspectives and advice.

---

1. Kimberly’s Story [07:19 - 12:11]

Background: Kimberly shares her experience of discovering her husband's long-term affair approximately 13-14 years into their 30-year marriage.

Key Strategies:

• Emotional Resilience: Kimberly chose not to react rashly, focusing instead on the well-being of her child and the family unit.
• Internal Dialogue: She refrained from using threats or ultimatums, instead relying on deep personal reflection to navigate her emotions.

Notable Quote: “We just celebrated our 34th anniversary... he was saying how very grateful he is that we're still together.” [Timestamp: 10:18]

Outcome: Kimberly reports a rejuvenated marriage characterized by mutual appreciation and renewed commitment.

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2. Lisa’s Experience [12:24 - 17:13]

Background: Lisa recounts uncovering her husband’s second affair while they have three minor children.

Key Strategies:

• Maintaining Peace: Inspired by Dr. Laura’s advice, Lisa focused on creating a harmonious home environment.
• Direct Confrontation: She took proactive steps by penning a letter to her husband's mistress, which helped her regain a sense of control and closure.
• Personal Development: Lisa emphasized the importance of self-care, financial independence, and spiritual grounding.

Notable Quote: “I believe the majority of the time when men do have affairs, it's all about their insecurity and they're looking for a little spice, a little excitement.” [Timestamp: 16:36]

Outcome: Through therapy and personal growth, Lisa and her husband achieved significant behavioral changes, leading to a healthier relationship dynamic.

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3. Glenda’s Wisdom [21:08 - 23:14]

Background: Glenda, nearing her 55th birthday, reflects on her 55-year marriage, which endured multiple infidelities in the first 12 years.

Key Strategies:

• Spiritual Support: Glenda attributes her survival and eventual happiness to prayer and spiritual faith.
• Provider’s Role: Acknowledging her husband’s role as a reliable provider helped maintain stability.
• Patience and Commitment: Her enduring patience and unwavering commitment were pivotal in overcoming marital strife.

Notable Quote: “If the love is in your heart and you have the patience and you pray, you'll make it.” [Timestamp: 22:35]

Outcome: Glenda enjoys a harmonious marriage built on spiritual foundations and mutual respect.

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4. Linda’s Approach [23:05 - 28:46]

Background: Linda discusses her marriage's rocky start, marked by her husband's infidelity within the first five years.

Key Strategies:

• Self-Reflection: Linda identified her own shortcomings in meeting her husband's emotional needs.
• Rebuilding Intimacy: She revitalized their relationship by reintroducing flirtation and strengthening their emotional bond.
• Forgiveness Without Resentment: Linda chose not to dwell on past betrayals, focusing instead on the present and future.

Notable Quote: “The commitment is to protect the marriage as though the marriage was an entity outside of the two of you.” [Timestamp: 27:04]

Outcome: Linda and her husband cultivated a strong, enduring marriage by prioritizing their union over individual grievances.

---

5. Mariana’s Transformation [32:37 - 34:47]

Background: Mariana shares her journey of personal transformation following her husband's infidelity.

Key Strategies:

• Self-Improvement: Mariana lost significant weight and focused on her own happiness, fostering independence.
• Acceptance and Forgiveness: She stopped assigning blame and envisioned a positive future for her family.
• Setting Boundaries: By communicating her non-tolerance for future infidelity, she established clear marital boundaries.

Notable Quote: “I stopped making him the villain... this was a one-time thing.” [Timestamp: 32:45]

Outcome: Mariana experiences a stronger marriage, enriched by mutual effort and personal growth.

---

6. Dorothy’s Five-Year Plan [34:57 - 37:22]

Background: Dorothy recounts her decision to remain married for five years to provide stability for her teenage children.

Key Strategies:

• Structured Commitment: Dorothy and her husband agreed to work on their marriage for a fixed period.
• Friendliness and Respect: They maintained a cordial relationship focused on their children’s well-being.
• Emancipation: Upon completing the five-year plan, Dorothy pursued personal independence and remarried.

Outcome: Dorothy achieved personal happiness and stability for her children, culminating in long-lasting remarriages for both.

---

7. Julie’s Redemption [37:22 - 40:33]

Background: Julie discusses enduring her husband's mid-life affair and her subsequent journey towards a fulfilling marriage.

Key Strategies:

• Self-Awareness: Julie recognized her own role in the marital discord by not maintaining the 'girlfriend' aspect of the marriage.
• Reinvigorating the Relationship: She focused on making herself enjoyable and maintaining appeal within the marriage.
• Non-Confrontational Approach: Julie chose not to dwell on past mistakes, fostering a positive environment.

Notable Quote: “He was a good husband... I wanted to be his girlfriend again.” [Timestamp: 39:46]

Outcome: Julie enjoys a revived and affectionate marriage, strengthened by mutual efforts to reconnect.

---

8. Michelle’s Perspective [40:46 - 43:14]

Background: Michelle provides insights into overcoming her husband’s infidelity rooted in his insecurities.

Key Strategies:

• Avoiding Detail Focus: Michelle advises against delving into the specifics of the affair to prevent dwelling on negativity.
• Realigning Priorities: She emphasizes putting God and family first, reassessing personal and marital values.
• Mutual Commitment: Both partners committed to prioritizing each other’s happiness and improving their relationship daily.

Notable Quote: “We made a decision, a commitment that we were going to put each other first.” [Timestamp: 43:14]

Outcome: Michelle and her husband strengthened their relationship by focusing on mutual support and personal accountability.

---

Dr. Laura’s Analysis and Insights [43:14 - 44:58]

Dr. Laura synthesizes the callers' stories, noting a common theme of self-improvement and personal accountability as critical components in healing after infidelity. She highlights that these women did not solely blame their husbands but also recognized their own contributions to the marital challenges. By addressing personal shortcomings and fostering a commitment to the marriage as a separate entity, they successfully rebuilt their relationships.

“The commitment is to protect the marriage as though the marriage was an entity outside of the two of you.” [Timestamp: 27:04]

Conclusion

Dr. Laura concludes the episode by reinforcing the idea that saving a marriage post-infidelity requires both partners to take responsibility and actively work towards rebuilding trust and affection. She invites listeners seeking further assistance to reach out directly and announces the upcoming episode focusing on husbands’ perspectives on infidelity.

“If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.” [Timestamp: 43:14]

Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a beacon of hope for couples grappling with infidelity, offering practical advice and inspiring real-life success stories. Dr. Laura Schlessinger underscores the power of mutual effort, personal growth, and unwavering commitment in overcoming marital crises and fostering enduring love.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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And bring fall to every room. Plus, it's all delivered fast and free. Shop classic style for Joyful [e-mail] Listen to all my episodes of Dr. Laura's Deep Dive in your favorite podcast app. Search for Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast and follow my deep dive today. Dr. Laura's deep dive deep dive Dr. Laura's deep dive Podcast When a couple with young kids comes to me for help after an infidelity, I'm going to ask is this a one time thing or a pattern of behavior? It's also important to know how the affair ended. Did they stop simply because they got caught? Did the other person do the dumping? Or did your spouse come to his or her senses? These details matter because when children are involved, it's not so simple to walk away. Your kids will suffer greatly. If we're not talking about a gross pattern of behavior and there is true remorse and a sincere desire to repair the damage, I'm likely going to suggest you stay and try to work on the marriage. That was the advice I gave to Mary earlier this year when she called me about her cheating husband. A few months later, she wrote to me asking for words of encouragement, not just from me, but but from my listeners. Her request turned into this fascinating hour of calls from women who chose to stay in the marriage after infidelity. Okay, here we go. Hello Dr. Laura, thank you for being on the radio. I have listened for almost three years. I have learned so much. I had a quick question. Would you be able to do an hour where women call in giving tips on how they were able to stay with their husband after the husband cheated and they already had kids together? My background is My husband is 30, I'm 31, married 7 years, 2 year old daughter. I found out he cheated the beginning of this year. We called you and your advice was to stay together. I'd have to play the whole call too. I believed it would be in the best interest of all of them, the kid, the mom and the dad to figure a way to make this better as a team. Putting that aside, I'm currently having a really hard time and I thought maybe the tips from women with children who have stayed married after cheating would help me. So that's we need to help her. I already gave my lecture. Now I need your Tips. So if you're a married woman, these are the criteria you need to be a married woman. Now, to the man who is cheating or has cheated during the marriage, he doesn't have to be cheating right now. I hope not. Maybe he is. I don't know. And I want you to help me. She has an interesting name, so I'm not going to say it. We'll call her Mary. I want you to give tips to Mary on how she can best cope and survive to keep the family together, to keep the marriage when he has cheated. Now, I don't know if we should talk about multiple cheating. I think I'd better one time. But then somehow, you know, if you've tolerated it, sometimes it just ends up with more of them. And if the guy's married a long time and has been cheating the whole time, then he's made his life the best of all lives for him. He has a wife and a family and all that comes with that. And he gets to have freebies with no consequences other than perhaps the wife cries and pouts. But if it goes on and on and on and on and on and the woman has permitted it, then he's in pig heaven. There's no reason for him to stop. He's having a good time. He gets action on the side, so he gets novelty, the excitement of a new challenge. And he's got the loyal, loving wife at home who maintains the family for him. All throughout history, there have been many such stories. I do not know. In ancient Rome, In Asian countries, 16 wives and concubines all over the place. I mean, there's historical precedents, but in Asian families, historically, women didn't have many options. In the United States of America, you have a zillion options nonetheless. Okay, here we go. Either call with something you'd like me to help you with or, you know, perhaps nobody out there listening is married with kids who had a husband fool around. Maybe that's just not the population that listens to my program. I don't know. We'll wait a few minutes and then I'll just move on to regular calls. If indeed you're not going to call and help Mary. My number. Dan doesn't believe that my audience does not include married women whose husbands have fooled around and they have kids to give tips to Mary. I don't know. You're going to have to prove one of us. Step it up, ladies. We need your help. Time's a wasting. Give us a call. I know it takes a while sometimes for people to think about it and then the calls flow in. All righty. So make believe. Mary, we're going to help you now. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Kimberly, welcome to the program. What tips do you have for Mary to survive a husband cheating when you have kids, which you're calling because that is your story, right?

[Caller]

That is my story.

[Dr. Laura]

Go ahead.

[Caller]

My husband did not have a, you know, one of those it just happened one night things. It was a, a long term affair and it was with a co worker and I'm not sure initially other than listening to you and lots of, you know, just reflection. This happened about, about 13, 14 years into our marriage.

[Dr. Laura]

And so what thinking did you use to stay? What thinking did you use to stay?

[Caller]

My thinking. I tried not to be rash, although I had always told myself that that's something I would not tolerate. But then once, once a child comes along, my thinking was, there is no way that I'm going to let my husband and this twit have our child every other holiday, every other this, every other that. And I just, I had to suck it up. And they, their, that relationship did not continue. I didn't use, I didn't use threats or ultimatums or anything like that, but just thinking.

[Dr. Laura]

What did you tell him about why you were staying and not divorcing him? What did you tell him?

[Caller]

Oh, I, I just, I don't think I told him anything profound. I just, in my head.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't care if you think it was profound. But you did explain to him why you're not leaving at some point. You explained. What did you say and what was his reaction?

[Caller]

Basically I said, you know, we're going to get through this. Be it with a, with counseling or just on our own, it doesn't matter to me. And I, I had to look deep and hard to keep from, you know, having hatred toward him for a good period of time. And then I just said, if, if you're gonna, if, if our marriage is going to dissolve, it's going to be on. You have to make the impetus for that. Not me. I'm, I'm not going because my, my parents were divorced and it literally crushed me and I wasn't going to put my son through that. And I said, yeah, you've got to be the one to initiate it if, if that's going to be.

[Dr. Laura]

What did he, what did he respond with, to that?

[Caller]

He just kind of looked at me like, yeah, he really, he didn't have much to say. But, you know, little by little, things got Progressively better. And that was, let's see, almost 20 years ago.

[Dr. Laura]

What did you do with the hate?

[Caller]

I just. I tried to listen to some of. Internalize some of your principles about being nicer, being, you know, keeping myself up and just more of the girlfriend thing, trying to be more flirtatious. And that's really hard when you're. When you're in that hatred mode. But. Yes, indeed it is. And. But I would like to say this in closing, that we. We just celebrated our 34th anniversary, and for our 30th, we went on a. Well, we try to nowadays go on a special, you know, like an international vacation for our anniversaries and for our 40th. I mean, for our 30th. I'm sorry, we were getting ready to go to dinner at this resort, and he. He took me, both of my hands in his, and his voice started cracking, and he never cracked, and he was just saying how very grateful he is that we're still together. And he always gives me, like, sweet cards now for my birthday or, you know, just that kind of thing. And. And he. I feel like I made the right choice.

[Dr. Laura]

Wow, this is fabulous. Kimberly, thank you so much. And happy anniversary and all that. That is fabulous. Very interesting. Lisa, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you. You're welcome. Hi there. So, go ahead. I learned My husband had two affairs. They were. That I know of, 15 years apart. And the first one, I was pregnant with my. With my. I was pregnant. So when I was young, and I just didn't know any better, so I just stayed and thought, okay, it's a fluky thing, and I'll get through it. And I did. But then just recently, one year almost to the day, I found out he had had another. He was having another affair. And at that point, you know, three kids, three minor kids. So even though I kind of understood maybe why he had strayed, of course I was still devastated. But ultimately.

[Dr. Laura]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't. Don't leave me like that woman. What's the why?

[Caller]

Well, honestly, I started listening to you a couple years ago, and when I started to listen to you, I learned how to handle my husband, who was very, very difficult and moody. And instead of being combative and all the things that I was, I focused more on just keeping peace in my home. And I think that was starting to threaten him because I was not fighting with him and he wasn't. He was working away from home, and he took up with this girl and yada, yada, yada. But. But to answer your. Your Question. Ultimately, I stayed. Obviously, I didn't want to. I didn't want to break up my home. So I just had to, like, dig down deep and figure out how to make myself as happy and as full as possible. But what my husband did do differently this time is he did go to therapy, and his behavior really, really has changed. But without that, it is hard. And I do have to admit, I know you would frown upon this, but I did pen a letter and send it to the girl that he had the affair with. And when I did that Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Hell woman, I'm okay with that. I tell women to drive over and say hi and bring donuts and have a conversation. No, I back you up on that.

[Caller]

Oh, okay. Yeah. Because once I did that, I felt like somebody had, like, doused me with water and just put the fire out because. And the nice thing is I didn't do it right away. I didn't do it right away. So. Came out of, like. I know it hit her out of, like, left field, but honestly, I don't know. I look back, I probably should have left the first time because. But I was young, and I just didn't know. And I thought, because it's a. It's a hard pill to swallow. And I'll never look at him again the same. I'll never trust him. I'll never feel safe. I always think about what you said, that he could. For so long, he could live a double life. Look at. Come home and look at me, and I have a little bit of disgust. And that's a sad way to live. But I love my family, I love my kids. And I don't want to. And I don't want to break them up. And my kids now know because this was the second time that he did it. And then he talked to her after I found out. But once I found that out, I was like, game on. So I felt like they had a right to know. And I felt, because now you've brought my kids into this, you now need to answer to them. And really not saying he did. He's done close to a three. He's done a 359 with the help and good fortune of him going to a counselor. And he realized how his behavior was really destroyed. It was just made for a miserable home life. But the tips. I just work, I save my money, and I worry about myself. I pray a lot, and I'm focusing on my kids.

[Dr. Laura]

And that's that. And you were saying, these are the things that make you happy.

[Caller]

Yeah. I mean, and he is a good dad. He just.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you have sex with him?

[Caller]

Can you believe it? Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Is he good?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, he is. He is. I don't think he was. I. Yeah, he. Yeah, he's. He's okay. He's okay. But that's. That was. That's hard too. Not easy. Not easy. But I think if you don't have kids, run. Because. Run.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you, Lisa. I so appreciate you calling and helping us out today. Thank you so much, Lisa. Okay, gonna take a little break here. And I don't care how good you think your marriage is. Are you paying enough attention to your spouse and his or her needs, or is it only about you? I'll be right back.

[Caller]

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Caller]

Dr. Lara's much deeper Deep Dive podcast.

[Dr. Laura]

In this hour, I'm very appreciative. I requested women call in in response to an email request. I got to do a full hour at least because she's having trouble coping. Mary is. She's married, kids and a husband who's fooling around or has fooled around. I don't know what he's doing right now. Maybe he's just having lunch either. Which way for you women who are married, have kids and this happened to you? She wants to know what your tips are for staying because she's having a hard time with that part. Glenda, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

What are your tips for Mary?

[Caller]

Well, I been married to be 55 years next month, and I would say the first 12 years were rough. And I found that he had been cheating a few times and I filed for divorce three times in that 12 years. The last time I filed, I finally looked in the mirror and told myself, you don't deserve this treatment. So I told him that I was definitely getting the divorce this time because we get back together each time or even got the papers. But he more or less begged me again and, and I told him, you know, you've got to change. You've got to quit drinking. You got to put yourself out of the situation that you get yourself into. So he did. And that's been over 45 years ago and I've had a wonderful marriage.

[Dr. Laura]

So what is your tip for Mary from your experience? Because that's what I'm looking for. I'm not just looking for stories. I want your tips on how to survive this when you have kids. So what are your tips?

[Caller]

Definitely pray. And my husband was a very good provider. That helped. And he was not a lazy man and that helped. So if the love is in your heart and you have the patience and you pray, you'll make it.

[Dr. Laura]

All right. Well, thank you very much for your input. All righty, Linda, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hello there.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. What are your tips for Mary on how to Stay married to a guy who's screwing around on you.

[Caller]

Well, first and foremost, if it's a. If he's a good man, if you want. You think it's just.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, can we stop for a moment? Can we just stop for a moment? A good man does not screw around on his wife and kids. So can we. I just can't go there.

[Caller]

I somewhat disagree. If you are not being the wife of and back and helping him, cheerleading him on and giving him the respect that he needs. I saw that. That I had left that off. We were five years in our marriage, and I wasn't being the wife that I needed. And he strayed. And it went on for almost a year before I found out about it. And once I did, it was just devastating. I would have thought I denied it. I denied it. People tried to tell me it was happening, and I'm like, there's no way this man would do that. There's just no way. And once he was confronted, he admitted it. And we had a wonderful counselor who helped us see the sin. It wasn't a character flaw. It was both of ours, purpose or process that got him to that point. But it was. My advice is don't ask him about it. Don't. You don't need the details. You don't need to know where they went or what they did. None of that. You need to let the path go and move forward. And mine was a wonderful man in the sense of when I said jump, he said, how high? From that point on. And if I wanted to see his phone, he let me see his phone.

[Dr. Laura]

It really changes things. The wife has a lot of power.

[Caller]

Oh, yes. There so much power. So much power. And I would walk around the house in sexy lingerie because I just was. I was tempting him, but I just was like I wanted to be. Our counselor had said, don't have sex. Just. Y' all just sleep together, try to build it back up. And so it kind of became a see what you're missing. See what you missed. And I don't know, it was so much of just knowing my not being able to look back. And this was 25 years ago, and we have a wonderful marriage now, and we know that it was helped to draw us closer together. And again, I still to this day know very little about the details. And I'll think about it. It'll come to my mind. Or we'll get in a heated argument about something. I never bring it up. I have never once thrown that back in his face. Not one time.

[Dr. Laura]

Why?

[Caller]

And I know that he honors.

[Dr. Laura]

Why, why, why, why?

[Caller]

I don't want to hurt the marriage, and I believe it would hurt the marriage if I did that. I don't see the need in that.

[Dr. Laura]

What if he, what if he continued to fool around?

[Caller]

That, that would have been different, probably. But again, I, I, I saw what we saw it as. We live in a sinful world. Sin is out there, and we just have to be cautious and protect our marriage and our relationship. And once we agreed that that's what we were going to do. And I hear that. I listen to you all the time, and I hear these women that call in, and you got to marry a good guy. You got to marry a good guy, and you got to be willing to hold on and do what you can to hold on to him. And I knew I had that, and I knew I was willing to do whatever I needed to do for our family to stay together. And he did.

[Dr. Laura]

What did you, you know, I never hear people say what you just said. And it is brilliant. We both decided to protect the marriage.

[Caller]

Correct.

[Dr. Laura]

Which is so different from my needs. My needs. My needs. My needs. The marriage has needs. And to protect the marriage from bouts of low character, anxiety, depression, temptation, whatever. This is brilliant what you said. Protect the marriage. If most couples thought about protecting the marriage as opposed to getting their needs met all the time, wow.

[Caller]

Wouldn't have it. Yeah, well, we were five years, I'd.

[Dr. Laura]

Be on a permanent vacation.

[Caller]

We are five years. We were five years in. Which is when that's a huge turning point, as you well know in marriages. Been around long enough, you learned each other long enough. It's like, okay, are you meeting each other's needs? And again, I thought I was. I had no idea I wasn't until.

[Dr. Laura]

In what way did you discover you were not taking care of his needs? What needs were you not taking care of? What do you, what do you mean?

[Caller]

Well, learning about the affair. We were, I was so busy in other things. All my women, support group over here and my support group over there and this church activity and these kids at school, and I was taking care of everybody but him. And, and didn't realize it until I got a phone call saying, you know what? He's sleeping around. And I'm like, oh, there's no way. When does he have time to do that? And I just denied it and denied it. And once I started looking and seeing the phone calls and looking at his phone register, things started to click. And I'm like, well, maybe. And I just downright confronted him and he admitted it and I kicked him out.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you so much. You added something very important to today. Thank you very much, Linda. Wow. The commitment is to protect the marriage as though the marriage was an entity outside of the two of you. Is a wonderful way to look at it. I'm not only making a commitment to you, I am making a commitment to this entity we entered into and both agreed to and took vows about. It's something more important than either one of us individually. Oh, my God. I'm so. What a way to put it. I love it. Okay, gonna take a little break here. Give you some time to reflect. What did you just hear? That you needed to learn and you know it. I'll be right back.

[Caller]

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Dr. Laura's deep dive podcast deep my number one, 800-375-2872. Mariana, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you. Dr. Laura. These are.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. And what good your tips for Mary.

[Caller]

Yes, well, what I did was I had to take a hard look in the mirror and kind of see where I was. And not that I wanted to see if I had any part in this, but I just wanted to examine myself and see the things that I may be needing to work on in my life. And the first thing is I lost 30 pounds. You have no idea how much happier I felt about my life just by liking what I saw in the mirror. I worked on myself. In other words, I did not assign all the blame to him for what had happened, but I decided to look at myself and work on myself. I decided to stop feeling like a victim. I accepted that this was something that had happened in my life. I kept my end of the bargain. I never retaliated, never thought of doing the same thing to him. But the most important thing is I stopped making him the villain. And I also looked into the future and I pictured holidays, my children's weddings, etc. And I just thought of how it would be if I showed up to, let's say the wedding of one of our children and he would show up with someone else. Just that. That thought of what that would do to our children. To kind of feel torn gave me the, the strength to forgive and move on. And this is, this was a one time thing. I made him know that I would never tolerate this again. This was like a one time thing. And now that all of our children are grown, grown and gone because of all the work that we both decided to put into this, our marriage is stronger and better than it ever was. Wow.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. I appreciate. I'm always glad for a happy ending. Thank you very much. Dorothy, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. My story ends a little different. We did have a plan to stay together, but it was a five year plan. The kids were, gosh, what would that be? I think she was 14, our youngest. And so he'd been a cheater. I was 17 when we got married. He was 19. So we already. And I was pregnant, so he. I didn't have proof, but I kind of knew he was cheating off and on. And so when the kids were about that age, 14 and 17, I said, I know this. And he said, you're crazy. And I said, let's go to counseling. No, he didn't want to go to counseling. So I said, well, I'm done. And so we said, and he agreed, we'll do five years. And when my daughter was 18, and in the meantime, he wanted to know how to grocery shop and, and how to do laundry. And we just were just very friendly for those five years. Just made a very nice home life. And when five years came up, I got a raise at work. And I said that night, I can live on my own. This is it. And he was stunned because we've been getting along so well, and I was not questioning him. And I said, no, I'm done. And happy ending is we both remarried. I've been married 39 years now, and he has since passed away.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you mean you divorced and married other people?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so basically you decided to.

[Caller]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Dr. Laura]

You decided to create a home that was pleasant for the two of you and for, for the kids.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And then you waited till the kids were grown and then you were up and out.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

But you had a five year plan to wait for the kids to be grown up and out. Thank you. That kind of commitment to the children is very important. And they were so friendly with each other that he was surprised when she left. Anyway, Julie, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. Laura. How are you?

[Dr. Laura]

Good. So. So what are your tips for Mary?

[Caller]

Okay, well, I'm just going to say what happened to me. It was 67. It was about 20 years ago, mid-40s. And this HAP. This occurred. And my husband was very remorseful and did not want the family to break up. I, of course, was very hurt, very upset, but I could never get past destroying the life we had created for our children. All the Christmases, holidays. There's so much joy in our household. I wasn't willing to take that away from my children. Now I had a husband that was very remorseful. So I hear people that that's not the case. But I had a choice to make and it was my children 20 years later.

[Dr. Laura]

Wait a minute. So from day to day, how did you deal with looking at him, sleeping next to him, etc.

[Caller]

That's all. I mean, I was. It didn't go well. I mean, for two years I was very upset off and on, but whenever I thought about leaving, just the children slapped me in the face. I couldn't do it. So I don't know if that, that's the way I think I coped and made my decision. It was because I love my children. Yeah, right. I would like to add that 20 years later, we're now married 43 years and we have an incredibly good marriage. So why do you think we all.

[Dr. Laura]

Have a good marriage?

[Caller]

Oh, we love each other very much. We go to church together, we laugh together. We're just in love.

[Dr. Laura]

Nice. You re engaged. Do you know why he had the affair?

[Caller]

Was a much younger woman. I'm sure that was appealing to him. He's a very good looking man. I think he got a lot of attention from women and kind of encouraged him. And probably, you know, I was very dumb. I wouldn't have ever thought anything like that could have happened. So maybe if I had been a different type of wife, maybe that wouldn't have happened.

[Dr. Laura]

What type of wife do you think would not have happened?

[Caller]

Very conservative. And I didn't like, I wasn't, I don't think I was as attractive. I mean, I was, but I didn't like, you know, get dressed up really delightful. Like the women he met at work, you know, they were all dressed up.

[Dr. Laura]

You stopped being his girlfriend.

[Caller]

He was. You're right. You're. Oh, absolutely. Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yes. We had all those children. I was very busy with them. I did all the things, you know, that I should do with the household and the meals and the homework and carpooling and all that. But you're right, I, it was a more serious time for me, so I just wasn't fun probably. So I don't really think I'm that fun now either. You're adorable.

[Dr. Laura]

I do appreciate your call. Oh my God, you ladies are wonderful. Michelle, what are your tips for Mary?

[Caller]

Well, I have a few. I would say that this happened to me when I was in my 40s and we had smaller children also. And I, I made sure I Did want to know why, but I didn't want to know the details. I think that's something very important not to dig into that because once you do that, then it, it makes it worse because you'll sit and stew on things like that. And he actually, I think the, the woman that he had cheated with, I think he actually, he, he liked her. And a lot of it was because he realized that, you know, she, she, she was putting on the best show for him. You know, he didn't get to see Day to Day. And that's one of the things, I think that with having that discussion and talking to them and letting them know that, you know, this is, this is what we have right now and if we stay together, this what's going to happen if we break up, this is what you have to look forward to. And letting him know, you know, what kind of example he set for his children, what is this how he wants his daughters to be treated? Is this how he would want his son to behave and let him know that there are response, there's, you know, consequences to your actions. And regardless that, that was just a character thing. I think that was one of the things too. I realized where I was blindsided. I had, I had put him on a pedestal that he did not deserve to be on. I had not put God first and I put the kids before him also. So we had to realign a lot of things with our mentality as far as what kind of, not just what kind of marriage, but what kind of people do we want to be. And we discussed, you know, everything for the future. And we made a decision, a commitment that we were going to put each other first. And in the end, I really do believe the majority of the time when men do have affairs, it's all about their insecure. And they're looking for a little spice, a little excitement. And you know, those people they're having an affair with, they are, they're just putting on the shiny parts. They don't get to see it all and you know, it's down under that is, you know, life with them is not what they think it's going to be. And really letting. We decided to make a commitment that we were going to get up every morning and decide how we could make each other's lives better.

[Dr. Laura]

As you heard, these women were open to admitting their own faults with respect to their marriage. Most of them intimated or even said outright that they were paying so much attention to their own side of the street that they physically let themselves go or gave more attention to other people, the kids, the house, whatnot. They weren't paying much attention to their husbands anymore. Really. None of them 100% blamed the husbands. They absorbed some of the responsibility. If you want to salvage your relationship, empower yourself by saying, this is what happened, this is why it happened, this is my role in it, and I'm going to fix my part. Under those conditions, yeah, the marriage can be saved. I hope this hour helped. Mary. Did it help you in some way? Or do you need to talk about your marital situation? If so, give me a call at 1-800-DAMOR Laura. And don't miss next week's Deep Dive podcast, where husbands call in with the reasons why they risked losing their marriages and families by cheating. Until then, go do the right thing. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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