Dividing Expenses After Divorce

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day - Episode on Dividing Expenses After Divorce

Podcast Information

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: Dividing Expenses After Divorce
• Release Date: April 27, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," Jennifer reaches out to seek advice regarding the financial strains she's experiencing post-divorce, particularly concerning the division of expenses for her adult children. The episode delves into the complexities of managing shared financial responsibilities after a separation and offers Dr. Laura's no-nonsense guidance on navigating such challenges.

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Background of Jennifer's Divorce

Jennifer shares her experience of going through a divorce in 2010 after 17 years of marriage. The marriage was strained, leading her to seek a divorce primarily because she felt the relationship was unhealthy and unsustainable. The couples agreed to a joint custody arrangement for their two adult children, aged 21 and 19.

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Ongoing Financial Disputes

Post-divorce, Jennifer assumed the role of the primary custodial parent, handling registrations, payments, and expenses related to their children. She consistently submitted receipts to her ex-husband for reimbursement, but he repeatedly failed to comply, leading to a prolonged five-year court battle. Eventually, the court awarded her $40,000 for unpaid expenses. To streamline future reimbursements, both parties were mandated to use a mediator tool called "Family Wizard," which facilitated monthly expense tracking and payments.

However, recently, Jennifer's ex-husband has ceased reimbursements entirely and is unresponsive to her messages. This breakdown in communication has left Jennifer in a precarious financial situation, especially since their children are still incurring significant expenses related to college, extracurricular activities, and medical needs.

Key Quote:

"[03:10] Dr. Laura: Well, I don't understand. Why is he paying anything now? They're adults. Help me."

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Involving Adult Children in Financial Matters

Jennifer contemplates whether she should remove herself from the reimbursement process and encourage her adult children to communicate directly with their father regarding their expenses. Her concern is to prevent the children from being caught in the middle of the financial dispute, fearing that continued non-payment will deepen her financial woes.

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Dr. Laura's Advice

Dr. Laura responds assertively, emphasizing the importance of Jennifer setting boundaries to protect her financial health and mental well-being. She acknowledges the emotional burden Jennifer faces but underscores the necessity for the adult children to take personal responsibility for their expenses.

Key Points from Dr. Laura:

1. Encourage Self-Reliance: Dr. Laura advises that if the children require funds for discretionary items like credit cards for services such as DoorDash or non-essential purchases, they should secure part-time employment to fund these expenses themselves.

   Quote:

   "[06:44] Dr. Laura: If they want doordash, I'm not giving you a credit card for doordash. Buy food and cook, it's cheaper."

2. Assess Necessities vs. Luxuries: While necessary expenses related to their activities (e.g., orthotics for running, dance team costs) are valid, Dr. Laura suggests that the sons and daughters should contribute to covering these costs through jobs or other means since they are now adults.

   Quote:

   "[07:54] Dr. Laura: They're going to have to figure out how to pay for it."

3. Set Firm Boundaries: Dr. Laura encourages Jennifer to communicate clearly that she will no longer cover specific expenses and that her children need to take responsibility for their financial needs.

   Quote:

   "[06:30] Dr. Laura: Then he's going to have to start contributing. I'm sorry I married the wrong man."

4. Prevent Financial Dependence: By limiting financial support, Jennifer can avoid falling into a "big hole" due to unpaid reimbursements and promote her children's independence.

   Quote:

   "[09:20] Dr. Laura: Then he doesn't need to be running 20 hours a week. He can do that on his own."

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Conclusion

Dr. Laura's guidance centers on empowering Jennifer to establish financial independence and set clear boundaries to prevent further financial and emotional strain. She emphasizes the importance of parental responsibility transitioning as children reach adulthood, advocating for self-sufficiency and accountability.

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Final Thoughts

This episode highlights the intricate balance between supporting adult children and maintaining one's financial stability post-divorce. Dr. Laura's straightforward advice serves as a valuable resource for listeners facing similar challenges, stressing the importance of personal responsibility and clear communication in resolving financial disputes within a family.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• [03:10] Dr. Laura: "I don't understand. Why is he paying anything now? They're adults. Help me."
• [06:30] Dr. Laura: "Then he's going to have to start contributing. I'm sorry I married the wrong man."
• [07:54] Dr. Laura: "They're going to have to figure out how to pay for it."
• [09:20] Dr. Laura: "Then he doesn't need to be running 20 hours a week. He can do that on his own."

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Access the Podcast

To listen to the full episode, tune in to "Dr. Laura Call of the Day" available exclusively on SiriusXM Triumph 111 or visit DrLaura.com to become a Family member and access additional resources.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Jennifer]

Hi Dr. Laura, I'm so excited to speak with you.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you.

[Jennifer]

In 2010 I went through a divorce. I now have two adult children, a 21 year old.

[Dr. Laura]

You went through the divorce because.

[Jennifer]

Because, because we just weren't a great pair and I just needed to get out of it. It was not a good marriage. We were married for 17 years and it took a long time for me to get out of that. So I did ask for the divorce and we decided on joint custody. But I was the primary custodial parent and as you know, I register the kids, I pay for them and then I send the receipts to be reimbursed by my ex husband and he would never pay. So this went on for years. I had to go through a five year court case. I finally was awarded $40,000 from him for all of the unpaid expenses. And then the mediator and judge said listen, moving forward you need to go through our family wizard because this way you'll keep track. You enter the expenses every month, he pays you the next month. If there's a dispute we will mediate it. So this has been going on for several years and it has worked pretty well up until a couple months ago. And for some reason my ex husband will not return messages, will not pay me anything that I've paid for some reason.

[Dr. Laura]

For some reason. Well, he doesn't want to pay it. Geez. Doesn't want to pay it. Right, right. I blanked out completely on the age of the kids. How old are they now today?

[Jennifer]

21 and 19. So my question to you is.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, I don't understand. Why is he paying anything now? They're adults. Help me.

[Jennifer]

Well, they're in college, so there's college expenses. You know, things come up. Medical, right? You know, running shoes, my son's a cross country runner, things like that. So my question to you is, you know, I don't want to put the kids in the middle, but if I continue to keep doing this, I will be not getting reimbursed and I will be in a big hole. So my question is, is it okay to tell my adult children, you know, I'm going to take myself out of this equation and I want you to directly talk to your dad about reimbursing you for expenses or giving you money for expenses. What do you think of that?

[Dr. Laura]

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[Dr. Laura]

I'm thinking, just give me a moment. Do they know what's going on?

[Jennifer]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And what is their attitude?

[Jennifer]

They don't want to deal with him either. And because I said like hey, get his credit card for doordash or get his credit card, I don't want to do it. And they said yeah, but he never does it. Like he never responds.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, slow down. Okay, woo hoo. Slow down. I suggest here would be my recommendation for your mental health. If they want a cell phone, if they want doordash, if they want fancy shoes other than what they need for running, they're going to have to get a part time job and pay for it themselves. Leave your ex out of the equation. It's causing great anguish all the way around. Resentment, frustration. So you'll have to sit with them and say I'm going to take care of you. However, you're going to have to get a part time job and help me do that. I'm not paying for doordash. I'm not giving you a credit card for doordash. Buy food and cook, it's cheaper. You want fancy shoes, get them yourself. If you want running shoes because you're on the track team, I will do that. But you're going to have to start. You're both adults now. You're going to have to start contributing. I'm sorry I married the wrong man. Married the wrong man to make the wrong man your dad. But here we are. It's been so many years. I'm done dealing with it. So this is what I'd like to cooperate.

[Jennifer]

I am dealing with things like 6 there's like $600 orthotics that my son needs to run and my daughter is on the dance team and that's very expensive too and I.

[Dr. Laura]

They're going to have to figure out how to pay for it. I got a part time job at the university. I worked in the biology lab. I worked in the chemistry library. I worked and earned money for anything above and beyond tuition and room and board and books. Come on.

[Jennifer]

Yeah, I mean I did too doctor. I mean I hear what you're saying. It's just he runs 20 hours a week. She dances 20 hours a week. It is a lot. And it's hard to get a job because they're, you know, they have to.

[Dr. Laura]

Go, you know, they're going to have to figure it out. Jeez.

[Jennifer]

But they are going to have to.

[Dr. Laura]

Figure out, make sure there's no hardship. Let's raise our kids to not face any hardship by themselves. Let's just let them. I mean, does your daughter, does she expect to dance as an adult professional?

[Jennifer]

No. She is going to.

[Dr. Laura]

Stop. Stop, man. Yes. No questions require one syllable. Then she doesn't need to be dancing 20 hours. She can do that on her own. I watched Flashdance. That girl danced on her own time. She didn't pay anybody for it. Okay, number two, is he planning to try for the Olympics?

[Jennifer]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

Then he doesn't need to be running 20 hours a week. He can do that on his own. I see people running through the streets all the time. I see them at the high school, at the two year school when nobody's there running on the track. If he wants to do that, he can do that. You are spoiling the hell out of them and putting yourself in a financial hole. In my opinion. It's not.

[Jennifer]

Well, I'm not going to do it anymore.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. Then that's it. My number. I don't believe you're not going to do it anymore. That's not what you said. Okay, my number. 1, 800. There's no reason either one of them has to do that for 20 hours. It's not in their future. You've been spoiling them and this has been a hell of a lot of money. And that's probably one of the reasons he just doesn't want to pay anymore. He doesn't see the point of 20 hours of being on your toes if it's ballet. Which case, in the future, she's going to need a lot of rehab with her feet. I hope a lot of you parents just heard this call. Straighten yourselves out, please. Come on. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform. My name is Lily and I've had hydradenitis suprativa HS for years. I finally found some relief since taking Cosentyx. Relief means I can show up more.

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[Dr. Laura]

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