Divorce, Decisions, and Family Ties

Summary

The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Divorce, Decisions, and Family Ties
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: April 13, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this emotionally charged episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Katherine, a mother of three navigating the complexities of separation and impending divorce from her recently retired military husband. The conversation delves deep into the impact of marital dynamics—particularly criticism and control—on relationships and family stability. Dr. Laura offers her trademark direct and compassionate advice, challenging Katherine to confront her own role in the family's struggles and to seek meaningful, therapeutic help.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Root Issues in Katherine’s Marriage

• Communication Problems
  • Katherine describes recurring “trouble communicating” after her husband retired from the military.
  • She admits to being critical, often interrupting or correcting her husband, especially in front of their children.
• Specific Conflict Example
  • During a discussion about drug use with their son, Katherine interrupts her husband. He responds sarcastically, which hurt her feelings, especially as it was in front of the children.
    • “He said that I could make it up to him later and he said that in front of the children." – Katherine (03:22)
• Self-Reflection
  • Katherine recognizes a pattern of critical behavior, explaining that her own self-criticism leads her to project high, rigid standards on others:
    • “If he’s not doing it my way, then it's wrong.” – Katherine (06:54)

2. Timeline and Current Status of Divorce

• Separation and Divorce Proceedings
  • They have not officially filed due to a mandatory one-year waiting period in Virginia when children are involved.
  • Katherine’s husband is pressing for mediation; Katherine admits she has been “dragging [her] feet,” partly because he already has a new girlfriend.
• Custody and Living Arrangements
  • The three children (ages 8, 10, and 12) split time between Katherine and their father, who stays at his parents’ house. Katherine notes significant tension between their middle daughter and her father’s parents.

3. Impact on Children and Family

• Children’s Adjustment
  • Katherine voices concern about the effect of the divorce on their children:
    • “This is not ideal for them obviously to have their parents put up.” – Katherine (07:30)
  • The rigid environment at the grandparents’ house is particularly troublesome for the middle child, who “refuses to go” and “butts heads” with her grandfather.

4. Dr. Laura’s Direct Intervention

• Acknowledgment of Damage Done
  • Dr. Laura expresses regret that Katherine didn’t reach out sooner and directly addresses the cost of delayed intervention:
    • “I think you’re calling me years too late. Not everything can be fixed at certain points in time. And now the kids are all going to pay a price, which is very sad.” – Dr. Laura (11:01)
• Critique and Call for Therapy
  • She pinpoints Katherine’s “humongous amount of insecurity” as the root of her controlling, hypercritical tendencies, labeling it destructive to herself, her marriage, and her family:
    • “This is where we are. I wish somebody could have helped you way before this.” – Dr. Laura (11:28)
    • “That was very destructive to you and to the marriage... It’s not too late to get help with that. And if he sees you getting help with that and actually changing. Is a glimmer.” – Dr. Laura (11:52)
• Critical Distinction: Life Coach vs. Psychotherapist
  • When Katherine mentions seeing a “life coach,” Dr. Laura is adamant that this is insufficient:
    • “I need you to get an actual psychotherapist who can help you deal with your inner turmoil, about perfection and how it comes out controlling. Life coach. Nonsense. Please don’t waste your time or money.” – Dr. Laura (13:18)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Why do you think all these years you’ve been doing that?” – Dr. Laura (04:09), pressing Katherine to examine her pattern of criticism.
• “I think I’m very critical of myself and... if he’s not doing it my way, then it’s wrong.” – Katherine (06:54), candidly acknowledging her perfectionism.
• “Tough on yourself and tough on him and tough on the kids and tough on everything. And this is where we are.” – Dr. Laura (11:28)
• “Well, now you’ve got to do something about it, not just get on with stuff.” – Dr. Laura (13:18), urging action, not merely acknowledgment.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:23] – Introduction to Katherine’s Situation: Katherine explains her divorce context
• [03:22] – Example of Marital Conflict: Sarcastic/undermining comment in front of kids
• [06:54] – Admission of Perfectionism: Katherine admits to being overly critical
• [07:30] – Impact on Kids: Discussion of children’s difficulties
• [11:01] – Dr. Laura’s Reality Check: “Years too late” and consequence for kids
• [11:52] – Identifying Insecurity as the Root Issue
• [13:18] – “Life Coach” vs. Actual Therapy: Dr. Laura’s sharp distinction and advice

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Summary & Takeaways

• This episode provides a raw window into the lingering effects of criticism and control on marriage and family life.
• Dr. Laura makes clear that deep-seated personal issues, if unaddressed, have lasting repercussions, especially for children.
• Her counsel to Katherine is blunt: there can be no progress or healthy relationships until real therapeutic work tackles the insecurity and perfectionism at the root.

For listeners: If you recognize yourself in Katherine’s struggles, Dr. Laura’s message is clear—seek genuine professional help, take responsibility for personal growth, and act before it’s too late for your relationships.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day, brought to you by my new sponsor, LightStim. Their Elipsa device is a sleek, lightweight red light mask that's FDA proven to reduce wrinkles across your entire face. Try the technology doctors use. Go to lightstim.com@flights t I-m.com and use the code DRLaura to save 10%. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Katherine, welcome to the program.

[Katherine (Caller)]

Hi. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome. How can I help you, Katherine?

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, my friend recommended that I call you. I'm in the process of divorce. I have three children.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Why are we getting a divorce?

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, my husband was active duty military and he retired. And after he retired, we just. We were having a lot of trouble communicating and we went to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Can you give me an example of what trouble communicating looks like? What does that look like? I'm not sure I understand.

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, if there was. There was like an issue that we wanted to work on or discuss.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Give me an example of one of those. One of those what one of those were.

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, one time, like, he was. One of. My son was asking a question about, you know, why do people do drugs? And my husband was answering him and I couldn't help myself and I interrupted him and he really didn't appreciate that and he made some comments that really hurt my feelings and like, what.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What did he say that hurt your feelings?

[Katherine (Caller)]

He said that I could make it up to him later and he said that in front of the children and I really didn't think that that was something they needed to hear.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So when he was explaining drugs to your kid, what made you think you had to enter the conversation Was he not doing a good job?

[Katherine (Caller)]

I didn't think so and I was being too critical.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Is that kind of typical that you're kind of motherly hovering and being critical of him?

[Katherine (Caller)]

Yeah. So not the best.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And why do you think all these years you've been doing that?

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[Katherine (Caller)]

I think. I'm very critical of myself and so I. And you know, I feel like everything has to be done a certain way and if he's not doing it my way, then it's wrong.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And how about the kids? How does that impact the kids?

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, I mean, this is not ideal for them obviously to have their parents put up. And we had one last couples therapy session and it just went really horribly and we were thinking, should we take a trip or should we do this couples therapy session? Because, you know, like the price was about the same. And. And after that I just. It seemed like it was not fixable.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And which did you file or did he file?

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, we haven't filed yet because in Virginia you have to wait a year when you have children. And he, he didn't want to divorce and he, he said, you know, once we decided that there was no going back and tell. That was around this time last year.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So where are we with the legal status of this divorce? Explain to me where we are.

[Katherine (Caller)]

He really wants to go to mediation and I've been dragging my seat.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, you need to speak up please, Katherine.

[Katherine (Caller)]

He wants to go to mediation as soon as possible. He has a new girlfriend and I've really been dragging my feet. We're in the process of coming up with a number for like interim support. Got it. And yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. And how old are your children?

[Katherine (Caller)]

8, 10 and 12.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And what kind of custody or visitation have you two been talking about?

[Katherine (Caller)]

Well, his parents bought a home in town last summer and he's staying at that house. And so when the children are with him, they stay in his parents house and his parents are. They're just very strict and especially my middle daughter has a really hard time and she refuses to go and she especially butts heads with his dad. And so my friend recommended to call you to that maybe there was some way to get them on the same page.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I think you're calling me years too late.

[Katherine (Caller)]

Yeah, probably.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah. Not everything can be fixed at certain points in time. And now the kids are all going to pay a price, which is very sad.

[Katherine (Caller)]

I mean, we're.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Tough on yourself and tough on him and tough on the kids and tough on everything. And this is where we are. I wish somebody could have helped you way before this.

[Katherine (Caller)]

Thanks. Well, we tried. Did best I could.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you have a problem with humongous amount of insecurity which leads you to try to control and perfect everything. Well, that was very destructive to you and to the marriage. So I wish upon a star that some time ago you had gotten help with that. And it's not too late to get help with that. And if he sees you getting help with that and actually changing. Is a glimmer. But I think it starts with you getting help.

[Katherine (Caller)]

I hear you. And I have been seeing a therapist.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

About what, though? What are you working on in the therapy?

[Katherine (Caller)]

She's been helping me. Kind of like life coach.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, I need you to get an actual psychotherapist who can help you deal with your inner turmoil, about perfection and how it comes out controlling. And that's what you've got to do if there is, quote, any hope of getting him back or any hope of having a good relationship with another man down the line. So, life coach. Nonsense. Please don't waste your time or money. This is not about what I'm going to do next now that we're divorced. You were very open and clear and willing to admit to your hyper criticalness and how destructive it is. Well, now you've got to do something about it, not just get on with stuff. That's what I mean when I say it's hard to get a good psychotherapist, but that's what you need for the future of your own personal life and any potential for the two of you. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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