Divorce is None of the Kids' Business

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: Divorce is None of the Kids' Business

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: September 8, 2025

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Episode Overview

In today’s episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Marie, whose recent divorce exposed her husband’s nine-year-long affair. The call focuses on navigating family dynamics post-divorce, particularly dealing with adult children’s reactions and setting boundaries regarding forgiveness, familial relationships, and expectations of post-divorce “friendship.” Dr. Laura delivers her signature direct, practical advice, emphasizing emotional self-preservation, parental authority, and the importance of not over-explaining or justifying actions to children—regardless of their age.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Family Fallout After Infidelity Exposure

• Marie’s Situation: Her ex-husband’s nine-year affair was recently revealed; she hired a private investigator to find out. Their two adult sons reacted by distancing themselves from their father.
• Current Status: The ex-husband now rents a condo owned by one son. There are pressures from the children for Marie to "play nice" for upcoming family events (e.g., an engagement).
• Tension Point: The younger son visited Marie, told her he’s forgiven his father ("God told me I need to forgive him"), and expects her to follow suit.

2. Parental Boundaries & Not Justifying to Children

• Dr. Laura’s Core Advice:
  • Stop defending herself to her children.
  • She is the injured party and doesn’t owe her children an explanation or justification for her boundaries.
  • Adult children have their own relationships with each parent; Marie doesn’t need to manage it or feel pressure to agree with their choices.

Notable Quote:

“Stop defending yourself. That’s the first thing I want you to do. You’re the injured party. Say, ‘Thank you, son, for your point of view. Our discussion is over.’”
(Dr. Laura, 03:51)

3. Handling Religious Arguments and Emotional Pressure

• Marie feels stung but handles her son’s “God told me to forgive Dad” assertion with grace.
• Dr. Laura advises disengagement from “God arguments” and suggests acknowledging but not debating:

  “If they hit you with the God thing, say that’s between me and God. But thank you for bringing it up, but let’s not talk about it anymore.”
  (Dr. Laura, 07:30)

4. Children’s Need for Family Harmony

• Dr. Laura explains that adult children, even when aware of parental failings, often wish for harmony and want to preserve relationships with both parents.
• Pressures to "be nice" or even "be friends" with an ex stem from the children’s desire for family events to remain comfortable.

Memorable Moment:

“Their whole lives dad was wonderful. 41 days he’s a shithead… They want to go back to he’s wonderful because they want their daddy back.”
(Dr. Laura, 07:30)

5. Drawing the Line: Friendship with the Ex

• Marie expresses that while she’s agreed to be cordial for family events, she refuses to be friends with her ex-husband.
• Dr. Laura strongly supports this boundary:

  “That’s none of your kids’ business. And you tell them that’s not your business. But I guarantee you children that I will not be inappropriate at any event. And that’s all you should ask of me.”
  (Dr. Laura, 09:14)

6. Life After Divorce: Redefining ‘Closure’

• Dr. Laura honestly acknowledges that post-divorce, the relationship remains ever-present due to the children:

  “This is going to be a virtual nightmare for you for the rest of your life. Insult to injury...The divorce doesn’t make it over at all because through the kids, it’s going to be there forever.”
  (Dr. Laura, 10:35)

• The remedy: Find fulfillment outside of the family drama; eventually become less emotionally invested in the ex’s actions and dynamics.

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Notable Quotes and Moments (with Timestamps)

• On not defending herself:
  “Stop defending yourself. That’s the first thing I want you to do. You’re the injured party. Say, ‘Thank you, son, for your point of view. Our discussion is over.’”
  (Dr. Laura, 03:51)

• Responding to religious pressure:
  “If they hit you with the God thing, say that’s between me and God. But thank you for bringing it up, but let’s not talk about it anymore.”
  (Dr. Laura, 07:30)

• On children’s need for harmony:
  “Their whole lives dad was wonderful. 41 days he’s a shithead… They want to go back to he’s wonderful because they want their daddy back.”
  (Dr. Laura, 07:30)

• On boundaries regarding friendship post-divorce:
  “That’s none of your kids’ business. And you tell them that’s not your business. But I guarantee you children that I will not be inappropriate at any event. And that’s all you should ask of me.”
  (Dr. Laura, 09:14)

• The realities of post-divorce dynamics:
  “This is going to be a virtual nightmare for you for the rest of your life. Insult to injury...The divorce doesn’t make it over at all because through the kids, it’s going to be there forever. So I need you to get real invested in good things in your life so that you can tolerate this better. And at some point, you may get to not give a shit, which I think is a healthy place to be.”
  (Dr. Laura, 10:35)

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Important Segments and Timestamps

• [01:06–03:51] — Marie explains her family’s situation and children’s reactions to the divorce.
• [03:51] — Dr. Laura advises against justifying her feelings or actions to her children.
• [07:30] — Discussion on why adult children struggle with parental division; importance of boundaries.
• [09:14] — The difference between being civil for family gatherings and being “friends” with an ex; boundary-setting.
• [10:35] — Acknowledging the ongoing nature of family ties after divorce and strategies for emotional survival.

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Summary Takeaways

• Personal Boundaries Matter: You do not owe your children—or anyone—an explanation for your boundaries, especially after betrayal.
• Children’s Reactions Are Not About You: Their need for family harmony may create pressure, but parents must stick to their own emotional truth.
• Post-Divorce, Family Ties Remain: Being polite at family events is reasonable; being “friends” is optional and not required.
• Self-Preservation is Crucial: A fulfilling life outside of the drama is the healthiest way to cope in the long term.

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For more advice and to hear daily episodes, listen live on SiriusXM or visit DrLaura.com.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Marie welcome to the program.

[Marie (Caller)]

Hey Dr. Laura, thank you for being there once again as a sounding board. I appreciate your time.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you.

[Marie (Caller)]

I was telling you helped me. I was the one with the husband with the nine year old, a life different in a different state. A woman for nine years. He's moved out of the family home. I'll be divorced by September 4th. Quickest divorce in history. Once the adult children found out they put their dad in timeout. What that meant was very limited contact with their dad and they just kind of been giving him the cold shoulder when he reaches out.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, just to help me. Why are they giving him the cold shoulder again?

[Marie (Caller)]

I missed something because the they were upset that I had to hire a private investigator and find out that he had another woman that he's been sleeping with for nine years. His coworker.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, that's. Yes, that's right.

[Marie (Caller)]

Okay, so my husband is currently renting a condo that my adult son owns in the same small town that I'm in. He's about.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, that's not much of a cold shoulder, is it?

[Marie (Caller)]

No, not at all. So I've just kind of been going along with whatever that that adult son that owns that condo is getting got engaged two weeks ago. So there's a dynamics of everybody wants me to play nice Kumbaya because that just makes their life better. So the. That's the 27 year old. That's what his ask is. The 23 year old came over last night to tell me. Mom, I want you to know something. You're not going to like it. And I said, what's that? He says, well, I went over Dad's house today to talk to him, and I forgive him. And I said, buddy, that's your relationship with your father. That's not for me to decide. Whatever you two have decided is between you two. I felt like, okay, I dodged a bullet. It stung. It was 10pm I was already exhausted. Then he went on to say, you know, Mom, I had God talk to me, and God told me I need to forgive him, and that's just why I did it. And, you know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, Marie, Marie, Marie. I don't mean to sound disrespectful to people who believe that God is specifically talking to them, but if that's what he wants to tell you, it doesn't mean it's accurate. And you can say, that's nice, honey, and get on with your life, with your decisions. Don't argue about God.

[Marie (Caller)]

Don't argue what we did. Where we're at the impasse, though, is he wants me to forgive him. And I said, that's not what I want to do right now.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Stop defending yourself. That's the first thing I want you to do. You're the injured party. I. I don't want you defending yourself. Say, thank you, son, for your point of view. Our discussion is over.

[Marie (Caller)]

Okay, that's it. Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Don't let him be disrespectful to you by telling you how you should feel and what you should do. He's a child now. I have one quick question. How long ago did the kids become aware of the nine years of the other woman? Just give me the amount of time.

[Marie (Caller)]

41 days.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, listen to me. Their whole lives dad was wonderful. 41 days. He's a shithead. Yes, they want to go back to he's wonderful because they want their daddy back. And their experience was not the 41 days. So you have to understand that you kept everything in this family copacetic and wonderful. So their experience with him is very positive. You can't ask them to give it up. And their children, they just want it all to be nice. Because that's what kids want. They want their mommies and daddies to be happy, love each other and be nice. So I don't want you defending yourself anymore. If they hit you with the God thing, say that's between me and God. But thank you for bringing it up, but let's not talk about it anymore. So you act like a strong parent.

[Marie (Caller)]

And I agree it will continue that trajectory.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And when they all get married and have kids and have events, you're gonna have to go over there and be nice or you're not gonna see your grandkids, etc.

[Marie (Caller)]

And I agreed to that. I told the experts.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so if you're agreeing to everything, then how can I help you?

[Marie (Caller)]

I have agreed that I can be in the same room. I've agreed to all of those items. I have not agreed to, nor will I, unless you tell me I need to. The ex husband is requesting that we be friends, and I don't want to be friends with him.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's none of your kids business.

[Marie (Caller)]

Okay? Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And you tell them that's not your business. But I guarantee you children that I will not be inappropriate at any event. And that's all you should ask of me again. They spent their whole lives with a dad that now they're supposed to dump and they don't want to.

[Marie (Caller)]

Right? Right. Well, okay. I don't want them to dump them. I don't.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But I. Oh, God, don't make this harder on me. Getting an ulcer just having this conversation because you. You want to take a sledgehammer to him. I understand that. Stop trying to sound like a goody two shoes. You're gonna have. Shush. You're gonna have to eat. You be quiet for a while so I can help you. Yeah, everything you're muttering, you've already muttered to someone. Let me help you. This is going to be a virtual nightmare for you for the rest of your life. Insult to injury.

[Marie (Caller)]

Yep.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So you're going to have to do things to help you survive it. The divorce doesn't make it over at all because through the kids, it's going to be there forever. So I need you to get real invested in good things in your life so that you can tolerate this better. And at some point, you may get to not give a shit, which I think is a healthy place to be. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com DrLora and instagram.com DrLauraprogram.

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