Does Divorce Contribute to Lack of Respect?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day - "Does Divorce Contribute to Lack of Respect?"

Episode Overview In this episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages with a long-time listener grappling with familial tensions stemming from a divorce. The caller seeks advice on managing strained relationships with his adult children and grandchildren during family gatherings. The discussion delves into the impact of divorce on family dynamics, respect, and personal responsibility.

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Introduction and Caller Background [00:22 - 01:04] Dr. Laura welcomes Richard, a divorced father of three adult daughters, to the program. Richard shares that his divorce occurred when his daughters were young—aged 3, 5, and 7. He sets the stage for his dilemma by explaining that his ex-wife's penchant for dating during their marriage contributed to the separation.

Impact of Parental Roles and Responsibilities [01:04 - 02:30] Richard elaborates on his role as a traveling sales professional, often away from home two to three nights a week. Despite his absence, he describes himself as an "active father," involved in his children's activities, such as attending his daughter's athletic practices.

Notable Quote:

"I think I was gone probably two nights, maybe three nights a week. But one of them was an athlete. I was at... very active father, very active."
(01:25)

Hosting Family Gatherings and Emerging Conflicts [02:30 - 05:32] Richard discusses his recent remarriage and relocation closer to his grandchildren. He recounts hosting a Memorial Day weekend at his lakeside home, which included his daughters, grandchildren, and their friends. The main issue arose when his daughters' friends behaved irresponsibly, disregarding his requests for cleanliness and order.

Dr. Laura’s Initial Reactions and Insights [05:32 - 07:24] Dr. Laura probes into the motivations behind his daughters' behavior, questioning why they didn't adhere to the agreed-upon guidelines for a harmonious weekend. She emphasizes the shift in dynamics post-divorce and remarriage, highlighting feelings of entitlement that adult children might harbor towards their parents.

Notable Quote:

"They don't want to clean because they're on spring break here... they're expecting you to take care of it now."
(09:01)

Caller’s Struggles with Setting Boundaries [07:24 - 10:43] Richard expresses frustration over his daughters' lack of respect and unwillingness to contribute to household responsibilities during gatherings. He feels torn between maintaining a peaceful environment and enforcing his rules, which has led to arguments and tension.

Dr. Laura’s Advice on Managing Entitlement and Respect [10:43 - 11:24] Dr. Laura suggests practical solutions, including hiring external help to manage household tasks during gatherings, thereby removing the source of conflict and allowing everyone to enjoy the time together without the burden of cleaning. She acknowledges the complexity of the situation but emphasizes the importance of setting boundaries to preserve familial relationships.

Notable Quote:

"If you keep fighting about this, they're not going to come see you... it's your house. But you're my dad. This is my house."
(08:18)

Conclusion and Final Recommendations [11:24 - End] Dr. Laura encourages Richard to focus on what he can control, such as hiring cleaners, to ensure that family time remains enjoyable and stress-free. She underscores the necessity of balancing authority with compassion to maintain meaningful connections with his children and grandchildren.

Notable Quote:

"Deal with what you know you have to face and deal with it. So let's get it done."
(11:20)

Key Takeaways

• Divorce and Family Dynamics: Divorce can significantly alter family relationships, leading to feelings of entitlement and lack of respect among adult children.
• Setting Boundaries: Clearly defined boundaries and responsibilities are crucial in maintaining harmony during family gatherings.
• Practical Solutions: When conflicts arise, practical measures such as hiring external help can mitigate tensions and preserve family relationships.
• Communication: Open and honest communication about expectations can prevent misunderstandings and foster mutual respect.

Final Thoughts This episode underscores the challenges that divorce can pose to familial respect and cohesion. Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides actionable advice aimed at restoring harmony and ensuring that family gatherings remain a source of joy rather than conflict.

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Notable Ads and Sponsorships Skipped The transcript includes advertisements for Birch Lane, Walmart, UPS Store, and USAA, as well as endorsements for All Free Clear laundry detergent. These sections were omitted from the summary to maintain focus on the core content of the podcast.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX XM Triumph 111. Richard, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Thank you. Dr. Laura, longtime listener, first time caller. When I saw your I guess message that you had put out about Memorial Day, it struck a tone with me and my wife. I'm a divorced father of now three adult daughters.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And at what age were you and their mom divorced?

[Caller]

They were divorced when they were 3, 5 and 7.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

How would you guys divorce when they were all little kids? What's that about?

[Caller]

Why, I'll put it this way. I'll put it this way. My wife liked to date when we were married.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Why?

[Caller]

I don't know if the show's long enough for me to get there, but.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Well, give me the Reader's Digest condensed version. With three little kids, when did she have time to screw around?

[Caller]

That's a great, great question. Totally caught me off.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

No, it's a pretty banal one, but if you would answer it, I would be happy.

[Caller]

Yeah, I just, I think, you know, I traveled for a living. She had a little, little time on her hands and the time that she had found somebody in our neighborhood that would pay her more attention than I could, I guess.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What kind of job did you have that you were traveling and why would you take that kind of job when you have kids?

[Caller]

Sales job.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

My question again, do you think that was a good idea? I don't understand. We get married, so now we're going to. And we have kids and we spend minimal time with them. Okay, moving right along. Now they're adults.

[Caller]

I think I was. I think I was gone probably two nights, maybe three nights a week. But one of them was an athlete. I was at. I took her to practice during the week. I was at Oliver. I mean, very active father, very active.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Not so active lover boy. But okay, whatever. People do what they do. And now three kids grew up without a dad under the roof. And where are we today?

[Caller]

So we are. I recently got married four years ago, remarried four years ago and we moved two hours away from where they and the grandchildren are to a lake where we could have great memories with the grandchildren who are three of them under six years old. And Memorial Day was the first time that we hosted every everybody down for the weekend along with another couple and a friend of theirs and two of their kids, which we now realize was too many for the occasion. And during, during that time so you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Wanted your kids and grandkids there, so you invited friends also. Would that. Doesn't that sort of take away from the family aspect?

[Caller]

Well, the story goes last year when my oldest grandson got out of last day of school, they came to the lake and it was like they had such a great time. We got to spend great quality time with them in the town that they live, they always have another function to.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What you were talking about. Sir, you're just confusing me. I'm wondering why when you want to spend family time, you invite friends.

[Caller]

Not my friends, their friends.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Who is a.

[Caller]

Because last year my daughter, my oldest daughter.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So your daughter invited her friends. Ah, okay, I got that now. So what's the problem I can help you with?

[Caller]

The problem is, is that when they came down here, before they came down here, I talked to him about, okay, this is kind of what we, how we'd like to see the weekend go, you know, pick up after yourself, et cetera. And the whole weekend was anything but that. We, my wife and I cleaned up after them and we discussed it with them when we did or they knew that we were unhappy, but they just continue to act like they are on spring break here. Which later turned in before they left into a large argument.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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[Caller]

Dad, we're down here to relax, to enjoy ourselves. You know, our husbands work so hard, and I'm like, well, so do we. My wife and I work as well. So, you know, I kind of looked at it as Papa's house. Papa's rules, so to speak, not to be, you know, not that they have to march in here and whatever, but just be aware of what our request was to take care of the house that we sold.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So how did you have. I heard what you wanted. Couple of things. They didn't grow up with you. They didn't grow up in Papa's house. You have a new woman in your life, and you have this house by the lake. It's not unusual for adult kids in that situation to feel very entitled. You weren't there taking care of us daily under the same roof. We're kind of expecting you to take care of it now. Believe it or not, that's what goes into many heads. I'm not excusing it. I'm just trying to explain it. But I don't understand the fight. So they said, no, we don't want to clean because we're relaxing. So then what happened?

[Caller]

I thought I would just say, hey, can you pick up after yourself? Because if you don't do it, somebody. If you. If you're not picking up after yourself.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, I heard all of that. And they. And she said what?

[Caller]

She said, we're just. Can you just relax or just want to have fun and enjoy ourselves?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay, so your question, she was very clear. She does not intend to do that. She expects you to take care of her. That's her mindset, not my. This is. I'm the dad. This is my house. But you're my dad. You take care of me. Now, see, it's a complex situation. I doubt this discussion would have been had had there been no divorce and remarried to somebody else and a nice house by the water. So the problem is not just somebody has to clean, it's her attitude about her life. She does feel entitled and desirous of you to take care of things. Now, I thoroughly understand your point of view. She and her friends are incredibly rude, but that's the way it is.

[Caller]

So I have suggested for us to get into family counseling once again, though I haven't.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Okay. Is there a question for me? Please don't ask me. Should we go into counseling?

[Caller]

Yeah. How would you handle.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

How often? How would I handle it? I can't place myself in that because I don't have that circumstance of the family torn apart. I don't have that circumstance.

[Caller]

What is your suggestion?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I can't answer that. My suggestion. Do you want to see her and the grandkids?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Then hire somebody to come in that particular weekend, just for the weekend to clean up after all of you. Because if you keep fighting about this, they're not going to come see you. Too much water under the bridge, sir. Not everything can be made as it ought to have been. It is not unreasonable what you're expecting. You're not going to get it, though. She feels you owe her.

[Caller]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So this way nobody cleans.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And there are people who are looking for jobs like that, sort of keep everything clean and neat, put everything away, do the laundries, whatever, and then everybody can just have fun. It's too late to try to establish that you're the authority. It's too late. My number, 1-800-375-2872. I'm going to take a break. I would like you to call in. Deal with what you know you have to face and deal with. So let's get it done. And not worried about being nervous or what I might say, because as you can see, this prior caller, that's a resolution that keeps the grandchildren in his life. Two conflicting concepts. One, I'm the dad. This is my house. And it's appropriate for you to do this. He's right. And in her head, no, I'm having a good time and you need to take care of me now. Not going to get that out of her head with therapy might not be able to see the kids anymore. You've heard enough of that on this program. So why don't your kids want to be with you? It gets too complex. How about we just avoid it and just have a good time? I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger. My number one, 800-375-2872. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the DRLaura stamp of approval. Visit drlaura.com, click on sponsors to take advantage of the special Discounts available to Dr. Laura. Listeners like you.

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