Evan Has To Contend With a Major Red Flag

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day Episode: Evan Has To Contend With a Major Red Flag
Release Date: May 27, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, host Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a caller named Evan who is grappling with relationship challenges following his recent move into a shared home with his fiancée. The episode delves deep into the complexities of cohabitation, effective communication, and the foundational discussions essential for a successful partnership.

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Caller’s Dilemma

Evan's Situation [00:36 - 05:22]:
Evan reaches out to Dr. Laura seeking advice after recently getting engaged and moving into a new house with his fiancée. While their relationship thrives on strong communication, the transition to living together has introduced minor conflicts over everyday decisions.

Key Concerns:

• Disagreements Over Household Arrangements:

  • “When we're putting stuff away, deciding where we want things to go, how we're going to set up, you know, a room or dishes, things like that.” [00:44]

• Allocation of Personal Spaces:

  • “She does a lot of artwork. She wanted this room to be her art area and then she wanted to change the dining room into another room.” [04:45]

Evan expresses that while these issues are seemingly small, they are beginning to create tension in their otherwise harmonious relationship.

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Dr. Laura’s Analysis and Advice

Understanding the Root Cause [01:23 - 02:44]:
Dr. Laura probes deeper into the nature of the disagreements, emphasizing the importance of identifying which person values certain aspects more.

• “Who does this matter to the most? Where things go, where, when you get things, what closet, what shelf, who cares more?” [01:23]

She suggests that often, one partner may have more stringent preferences (sometimes even bordering on OCD), and recognizing who holds more sway in these decisions can alleviate conflicts.

Emphasizing Compromise and Communication:

• “Joining lives with somebody else is you've got to let a lot of stuff go or you're going to be butting heads all the time.” [02:10]

Dr. Laura underscores the inevitability of minor disagreements in a shared household and the necessity of compromise to maintain harmony.

Addressing Significant Relationship Foundations [04:40 - End]:
Upon resuming the conversation after addressing the initial concerns, Dr. Laura provides a more comprehensive critique of Evan’s approach to cohabitation.

Key Points:

1. Premature Cohabitation:

   • “One of the reasons I think you're doing things in the wrong order. You never should have bought a house and moved in together.”
     Dr. Laura emphasizes that moving in together should come after critical discussions about long-term compatibility and shared values.

2. Lack of Fundamental Discussions:

   • “The whole point of getting engaged is not just to plan the wedding. It's to discuss everything... religion... how are we bigging up the kids...”
     She highlights that essential topics such as religion, parenting, and lifestyle choices should be thoroughly discussed before making significant commitments like purchasing a home together.

3. Establishing Boundaries and Roles:

   • “Act like a man and make the line in the sand.”
     Advising Evan to take a firmer stance, Dr. Laura suggests setting clear boundaries to prevent one partner from inadvertently taking control over shared spaces and decisions.

4. Encouraging Professional Counseling:

   • “I suggest you inform her that you want to be able to adjust to sharing lives and preferences... go into some counseling, premarital counseling...”
     She recommends seeking professional guidance to navigate these challenges, stressing the importance of addressing issues before they escalate, especially if children are involved.

5. Potential Consequences of Inaction:

   • “Those marriages don't work well. The women end up being unhappy because they'd rather have an alpha dude. And you're just going to go into a recess somewhere on the wall.”
     Dr. Laura warns that failing to address these underlying issues may lead to long-term dissatisfaction and even divorce.

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Conclusion

Dr. Laura Schlessinger delivers a candid and no-nonsense analysis of Evan's situation, emphasizing the importance of timely and comprehensive discussions in a relationship. By highlighting the potential pitfalls of moving in together without addressing core compatibility issues, she provides actionable advice aimed at fostering a healthy and sustainable partnership.

Notable Quotes:

• “Joining lives with somebody else is you've got to let a lot of stuff go or you're going to be butting heads all the time.” [02:10]
• “The whole point of getting engaged is not just to plan the wedding. It's to discuss everything... religion... how are we bigging up the kids...” [04:40]
• “Act like a man and make the line in the sand.” [04:40]
• “Those marriages don't work well. The women end up being unhappy because they'd rather have an alpha dude.” [05:10]

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Final Thoughts

This episode serves as a crucial reminder of the importance of clear communication and preemptive discussions in relationships. Dr. Laura’s insights aim to guide listeners through common pitfalls, ensuring that love and partnership are built on a solid foundation of mutual understanding and respect.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Evan, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hey, Dr. Laura, thanks for taking my call. I love your show. Been listening for several years.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What's up?

[Caller]

Hey. So and I, we got engaged last this past Thanksgiving and we we've never lived together and we just moved into a house two weeks ago and we love it. Everything's great. And one of the best things about us is I think the way we can we are able to communicate and talk to each other. But since moving in, it kind of feels like, you know, small things but heads a little. So I was just kind of seeking advice.

[Dr. Laura]

Please give me a short examples of butting heads. Small things. Tell me about the small things.

[Caller]

Like when we're putting stuff away, deciding where we want things to go, how we're going to set up, you know, a room or dishes, things like that. If there's a disagreement, let me give.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, let me take.

[Audience Reaction]

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[Dr. Laura]

Let me take each thing at a time. Okay. When people would come in for couples therapy, one of the things I would ask who does this matter to the most? Where things go, where, when you get things, what closet, what shelf, who cares more? And usually there's one person who's just a little OCD and it does matter more to them, in which case let them do it because. Because they're OCD and will never calm down. The thing about joining lives with somebody else is you've got to let a lot of stuff go or you're going to be butting heads all the time. Because there's infinite small things. So if the two of you are both OCD and it matters where things are, this is a marriage that's not going to work.

[Caller]

Gotcha.

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[Dr. Laura]

So give me another small thing.

[Caller]

When we were talking about each other's spaces, she does a lot of artwork. She wanted this room to be her art area and then she wanted to change the dining room into to another room and she was kind of saying what she wanted and I took it a little bit as well. Where's my space? Do I only get the garage? Because I like to do some different things outside and stuff and it didn't cause a huge conflict.

[Dr. Laura]

But okay, let's do one thing at a time, okay? It's very reasonable to say to her, maybe we didn't buy the right house. I didn't know in advance that you wanted to take a bedroom or living room and dining room and turn them into art rooms. Maybe we bought the wrong house. And she will say oh no, no no no no. And then you will say I'm okay with you taking a room and making it an art room. You understand? The garage is going to be my man cave, but it's unacceptable to use the dining room. I want there to be neutral places in the home that are for when we have company, for when we have a nice dinner. So I'm good with the room. I'm not good with the dining room. In other words, act like a man and make the line in the sand. We women will take over the whole house. If you're going to be that passive and only think about what you want, then we will take over your life. And then in five years, you're going to think of divorce. One of the reasons I think you're doing things in the wrong order. You never should have bought a house and moved in together. The whole point of getting engaged is not just to plan the wedding. It's to discuss everything in laws, traveling, vacation, babies, who's going to raise them, schools, where we're going to live, all of these things. Do you believe in vaccines? Everything. Religion. Are we going to go to a synagogue or a church? How are we bigging up the kids? I bet you you guys have not had serious talks about each and every one of those things. What kind of food are we going to eat? Who's going to do the cooking? Who's going to clean? You know, shacking up, which is what you're doing now, is not the same thing as. As making a commitment after pure knowledge so that you're not surprised. Given time, we women will rule you and the house. Historically, genetically, that's how it goes. So if you've been living by yourself and making up your own things, you have to understand, when you're married to a woman, everything changes, and you have to acknowledge that. But if you're going to be passive and not speak up and just talk to your friends about it or only call me, this is not going to work. Now that you already bought a house together and that's a big financial thing, it makes it hard to discuss all of these things. Because what if you get to the end of these discussions and realize not the life you want and the things you discussed before you moved in together were relatively inconsequential. So when you tell me you didn't butt heads, then it was relatively inconsequential, right? So I suggest you inform her that you want to be able to adjust to sharing lives and preferences and determinations and what have you before the wedding. I suggest that's a very smart thing for you to do, to go into some counseling, premarital counseling, to make sure you can talk through these things. Because if you can't, and then you have two kids and then you divorce, I'm going to pinch your head off. So I'm begging you, tell her, don't ask her that you're going into premarital counseling. It's really important that you not be afraid of your wife. Those marriages don't work well. The women end up being unhappy because they'd rather have. They like being in control, but they'd rather have an alpha dude. And you're just going to go into a recess somewhere on the wall. You're just a click away from some terrific deals being offered by companies that get the dollar Dr. Laura stamp of approval. Visit DrLaura.com, click on sponsors to take advantage of the special discounts available to Dr. Laura listeners. Like you. Did you know that skincare can start in the laundry room? The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor All Free Clear Laundry Detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All Free Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists and allergists. For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear.