How Can I Motivate My Teen?

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: How Can I Motivate My Teen?
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 10, 2025
Guest/Caller: Donna (and her daughter, Angelina, indirectly)

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on a common parental challenge: motivating an unmotivated teenager. Donna, a mother of a 16-year-old daughter named Angelina, calls Dr. Laura seeking advice on how to break the cycle of nagging, lack of motivation, and mounting household tension. Dr. Laura offers her signature straightforward guidance, emphasizing personal responsibility, boundaries, and the importance of allowing teens to face real-life consequences as a path toward maturity.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Initial Call and Conflict (01:41–03:23)

• Donna wants Dr. Laura to speak directly to her daughter, Angelina, who refuses to engage, resulting in a tense and unproductive atmosphere.
• Dr. Laura's Boundaries as a Host/Mentor:
  • Refuses to act as a "muscle" or enforcer to persuade the teen, stating:

    "I'm not your muscle. You've called me to be your muscle. And I'm not going to do that." (02:55)

  • Suggests Donna call back when alone for a more meaningful discussion.

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2. Understanding the Parent-Teen Dynamic (06:18–07:59)

• Donna admits frustration and guilt, saying she's raised a "brat" and feels responsible for Angelina’s lack of motivation.
• Describes specific behavioral issues: procrastination, lack of initiative, refusal to clean up after herself, and poor performance in dance and work.

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3. Dr. Laura's Core Advice: Let Consequences Teach (07:59–09:57)

• Stop Nagging and Take a Step Back:
  • Dr. Laura urges Donna to stop the cycle of constant reminders, interventions, and nagging.
  • Explains that parental control and incessant reminders typically lead teenagers to rebel or become increasingly inert.
• Let Real-World Outcomes Happen:

  • "If she screws up at dance. If she gets fired, that’s it. It’s called real life." (08:48)

  • Donna is advised to let her daughter bear the consequences of her own choices, however uncomfortable that may be for the parent.

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4. Building a Healthier Relationship: Listen More, Approve More (09:57–12:37)

• Reduce Criticism, Increase Warmth:
  • Dr. Laura instructs Donna to back away from her regimen of correction and criticism, emphasizing instead affection and positive engagement.

  • "She needs to know that there's something valuable to come to you for other than nagging and disapproval and disappointment mostly. That's what she gets from you now." (10:28)

• Understand the Child’s Perspective:
  • Dr. Laura contextualizes the teenager’s likely resentment:

    "If I were on you like that, you'd turn to me and go, get off my back... you'd push back." (11:10)

  • Explains that "push back" in teens often manifests as doing even less or rebelling in more severe ways.

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5. Concrete Strategies for Letting Go (12:37–13:55)

• Practical Steps at Home:
  • When Angelina leaves a dirty plate, Donna should simply wipe off the crumbs (to prevent ants), but serve all future meals on that same plate until Angelina chooses to wash it herself.

  • "Make sure the crumbs are off it so you don't get ants, but leave it there... [If she asks,] Ah, sweetheart, that’s your plate. Your plate." (13:05)

• Resist Rescue Instincts:
  • Don’t make excuses for, intervene in, or rescue her from the negative consequences of her own choices—whether it’s a messy room or neglected laundry.
  • Dr. Laura role-plays a response:

    "When you feel like you want to do your laundry. I should—I’ve been nagging you. That’s terrible. You don’t want to do the laundry now. Do it when you want to." (13:32)

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6. Final Guidance: Commitment to Change (13:58–end)

• Donna initially says she’ll “give it a shot,” but Dr. Laura insists:

  "You're not going to give it a shot. You're not giving anything a shot." (12:30)

  • Instead, Donna must fully commit to changing her behavior for this approach to have any hope of success.
  • The parent’s main roles: model love and affection, set reasonable boundaries, and allow the child to grow through real, natural consequences.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura refusing to be the enforcer:

  "I'm not your muscle...I’m not going to do that." (02:55)

• On letting go:

  "That's the answer. Nothing. You have to stop all of that behavior." (07:59)

• On accepting consequences:

  "If she gets fired, that’s it. It’s called real life." (08:48)

• On relationship repair:

  "She needs to know that there’s something valuable to come to you for other than nagging and disapproval and disappointment mostly. That's what she gets from you now." (10:28)

• On doing less as a parent:

  "The only thing you’re going to do now is hugs and smiles. And then you’re just going to leave things for her to decide, and you’re not going to talk to her that you’re leaving things for her to decide." (11:35)

• On shifting household roles:

  "When you feel like you want to do your laundry...Do it when you want to...She’ll start making decisions." (13:32)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:41 — Donna initiates the call; confrontation over Angelina's participation
• 06:18 — Donna returns for the main advice segment
• 07:59 — Dr. Laura explains the need to stop nagging and enable natural consequences
• 10:28 — Emphasis on repairing the mother-daughter relationship through affection
• 13:05 — Specific example: dirty plate as teaching moment
• 13:32 — Role-play: How to handle the laundry issue

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Tone and Style

Dr. Laura’s approach throughout is direct, compassionate, and rooted in tough love. She balances empathy for Donna’s struggle with a firm insistence on parental accountability and personal responsibility, peppered with characteristic wit and real-world examples.

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Summary Takeaways

• Motivating a teen often means stepping back, letting them face reality, and ceasing parental habit of rescue and nag.
• Demonstrate unconditional love and affection while firmly allowing consequences to teach life lessons.
• Change as a parent must be full-hearted and consistent—not tentative or "for a shot."
• This episode offers practical, actionable advice for parents who feel trapped in cycles of control and frustration with their teens.

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For parents in similar situations, Dr. Laura’s message is clear: Empower your child to make choices and learn from them, all while nurturing your relationship with warmth, patience, and faith in their ability to grow.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Donna, welcome to the program.

[Donna (Caller)]

Hi, Dr. Laura. How are you?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Good. How can I help?

[Donna (Caller)]

Good. So I am calling. I also have my daughter Angelina here and she's whom I'm calling about. She's 16, but she doesn't want to talk. But if I do say something that's inaccurate, I'm hoping she'll step in and correct me. I've raised a brat and I know it.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Can you just ask her? Can you do.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Woohoo. Can you?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Yeah, she doesn't want to talk to me. That's fine. Can you ask her why she chooses.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Not to talk to me? I'd just like to know the why.

[Donna (Caller)]

Sure.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Ask her question.

[Donna (Caller)]

Why do you choose not to talk to Dr. Laura? She's upset with me. She won't talk. All right, then give her an answer. Why won't you? No, she's not. She's not acknowledging me.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Okay, Donna, have her leave the room.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And make sure you're having this conversation.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

With me in private.

[Donna (Caller)]

I'm in the car and I wanted her to listen to what you had to say.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

No, I don't want her to listen to what I have to say.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm not your muscle. You've called me to be your muscle.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

With her and I'm not going to do that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

But I will talk to you about the situation. But since she doesn't want to participate or even say why she doesn't want.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

To participate, then I think she lost her privilege to even hear it.

[Donna (Caller)]

Are you going to say why you don't want to talk? All right, then I will call you back, Dr. Laura, when we are home, when you're alone and I can talk to you in private. Yep.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Excellent.

[Donna (Caller)]

I'll call you back. Thank you so much. Okay, bye.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You're welcome. Yeah, she wanted me to be the muscle. You know, like in Mafia movies, You can't get somebody to do something, so you bring in the muscle to make them.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm Dr. Laura Schlesinger.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

That was fun.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I'm going to take a break. Come back with your calls if you need muscle. Let me give you yourself muscle to.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Handle what's going on in your life. You probably think you can't do much to change anything. I'm here to tell you you're likely wrong.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

However, what you want to be able.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

To change, maybe that ain't so. But there's an alternative where you do have the power. So give me a call. I'll try to help you with that.

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

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[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Donna, welcome to the program.

[Donna (Caller)]

Hi, Dr. Laura. I'm actually calling you back earlier. I have the.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

So what happened? You hung up. What was the conversation between you and your daughter?

[Donna (Caller)]

I said, I can't believe you disrespected Dr. Laura that way and didn't even have the decency to talk. Like you made yourself look like a salami. And she just kind of lost it. And she said, I don't need my business all over the radio, Mom. Like, it's so embarrassing. Why would you even do this? So I explained to her, I said, because I need help. I hope that there's hope left to get you out of this rut that you're in, because I don't. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Okay?

[Donna (Caller)]

And she's not talking to me. So the problem is, is she. She. And it's. It is my fault. I'll be the first to admit it. She doesn't do what is asked of her to do right away. She lets things linger. She doesn't pick up after herself. She's very. I hate to say it, I don't want to say lazy, but unmotivated. And it's affecting her in dance. It's affecting her at work. It's just if I'm not on her constantly telling her, you got to do this, you got to do that. Even picking up her plate when she's done eating, if she has a snack. She's 16 years old, you know, And I just don't know what to do anymore.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

That's the. That's the answer. Nothing. You have to stop all of that behavior.

[Donna (Caller)]

How do I do that?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You shut up most of the time, okay? And you let her fail. When I was in private Practice. And I dealt with families. I dealt with a lot of mother child stuff, like in father child stuff too. The same sort of thing. Controlling, nagging on them. If they don't do it, I make them do it. And if I don't make them do it, they won't do it. And the kid mostly says screw you and doesn't do anything because nobody likes to be pushed.

[Donna (Caller)]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

So you have to stop all of it. And if she squares out, dance. If she gets fired, that's it.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

It's called real life.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Let her be in control now. Stop talking until I.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

What do I. I stop talking.

[Donna (Caller)]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You have to listen more, talk less. If she's late, if she doesn't finish things, if she doesn't clean up, if she doesn't get her plate off the table, then that's the plate she's going to use for the next meal because that's it. Don't fix it. Don't try to make it happen. Leave her to make her choices. At some point, she's not going to like this. She's not going to like her room being a mess and her clothes not being washed. She's not going to like having to eat off a dirty plate. She's not going to like any of. If she doesn't do things at work, she's going to be fired. School dance. Let her make these choices. She's 16. You have to stop trying to create her. Now you can speak.

[Donna (Caller)]

That's pretty deep. I totally get it. Here I am thinking she's lazy, but it's the constant nagging. It's me on top of her all the time. That is just got her to the point where she just can't deal anymore. I get it. I get it. Okay. So the less I do, the better it is for her in the long run. Definitely.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

And for your relationship.

[Donna (Caller)]

Hopefully.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You don't have to hope on that. She needs to know that there's something valuable to come to you for other than nagging and disapproval and disappointment mostly. That's what she gets from you now.

[Donna (Caller)]

That is so true. Yep.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

I know it's not your intent. That's how it's read by a kid.

[Donna (Caller)]

That makes sense. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

I mean, if I were on you like that, you'd turn to me and go, get off my back. Doesn't anything I do be okay? I mean, you'd push back.

[Donna (Caller)]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Push back is they do less. That's how they push back. Or they get into sex, drugs and stuff.

[Donna (Caller)]

And that's what I'm worried about before we get there.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Well, you should be.

[Donna (Caller)]

Exactly.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

So let's cut all that out.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

The only thing you're going to do now is hugs and smiles. And then you're just going to leave things for her to decide, and you're not going to talk to her that you're leaving things for her to decide. You're just going to start doing it. No conversations about what you're doing. Just change.

[Donna (Caller)]

Gotcha. I will do that.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Any question you have about what I'm suggesting.

[Donna (Caller)]

I don't think so, because it. It totally makes sense. I think that I have to stop it now, like you said, or else it's gonna, you know, end up really badly in the end, and I don't want that to happen. And.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Good.

[Donna (Caller)]

So I'm definitely gonna do exactly what you said. And it's gonna be hard because I'm gonna have a very messy house, but I'm gonna give it a shot because I'll do anything I can for her to better.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You're not going to give it a shot. You're not giving anything a shot.

[Donna (Caller)]

I'm going to do it. You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Right?

[Donna (Caller)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You're going to show her love and affection. On the other part. You're not going to do any of the things. You're not going to do any of them. She doesn't move a plate. Make sure the crumbs are off it so you don't get ants, but leave it there. And if you're going to make dinner, that's the plate she uses. Don't wash it. Just take the crumbs off. And she's going to say, what is this? Ah, sweetheart, that's your plate. Your plate.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

And leave it.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Just put the food on it and put it down. And. And she'll say, well, why didn't I? Well, I assumed that was the plate you wanted because you left it there. So I'm using the plate, right? Yeah. So it's all innocent from this point on, you're just innocent.

[Donna (Caller)]

Gotcha.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Oh, what about my laundry? You're awesome.

[Donna (Caller)]

Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

I want you to do your laundry.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

When you feel like you want to do your laundry. I should. I've been nagging you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

That's terrible.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

You don't want to do the laundry now. Do it when you want to. And once she gets it might take a month here, but she'll start. Think she'll start making decisions.

[Donna (Caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Okay.

[Donna (Caller)]

Very good. Very good lesson. Thank you so much, Dr. Laura. I appreciate you.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger (Host)]

Thank you. You're very welcome. My number 1-800-375-2872.

[Dr. Laura Schlesinger]

Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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