How Can I Stop Butting Heads With My Husband?

Summary

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The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: How Can I Stop Butting Heads With My Husband?
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: March 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger counsels Sherry, a caller seeking advice on how to reconnect with her husband after 30 years of marriage. Sherry feels her husband has withdrawn emotionally and physically, attributing some strain to her own post-menopausal changes. Dr. Laura challenges Sherry to consider her husband's perspective and emotional state, suggesting a more empathic and less self-focused approach to their relationship. The discussion centers on mutual understanding, compassion, and the importance of checking in on a partner’s well-being.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Context and Concerns [01:31]

• Sherry shares she’s been married for 30 years and recently feels her husband has pulled back emotionally.
• She mentions her post-menopausal struggles and perceives an increase in her own efforts in their relationship.
• "I just feel like he's just pulled right back and I don't know how to... I'm tired of stuff. I'm tired." (Sherry, 02:24)

2. Men’s Perspectives Often Overlooked [02:14]

• Dr. Laura observes: "Many postmenopausal women act like they're just not interested to their men, too. That's what it looks like from a guy's point of view." (Dr. Laura, 02:14)
• She emphasizes that men may also interpret their partner’s changes as disinterest, complicating the dynamic.

3. Shifting the Focus: What Might He Be Experiencing? [02:50]

• Dr. Laura pushes Sherry to consider her husband's possible internal struggles:
  “What if it had nothing to do with you, but it only had something to do with him?... What's going on with his health? What's going on with some important relationship in his life…?”
  (Dr. Laura, 02:50-04:00)
• She notes the tendency for individuals to focus on how they feel without considering what their partner is experiencing.

4. The Importance of Direct Conversation [06:34]

• Dr. Laura suggests a specific approach:
  “Sweetheart, I know I can see that you're not feeling as joined in...I was just wondering what are you going through and is there anything I can help with?... In other words, you're now a wife paying attention to his emotional state and needs. That usually gets a friendlier reaction than 'you're just not doing these things.'”
  (Dr. Laura, 06:34-07:13)
• This advice encourages vulnerability, empathy, and an open invitation for her husband to share his own struggles.

5. Common Obstacles to Change [07:15]

• Dr. Laura reflects on why advice is difficult for callers to act on:
  • Many seek a "sparkling" quick fix.
  • People are often self-centered, struggling to see their partner’s separate emotional life.
  • Laziness—it's easier to leave issues unaddressed than to do the hard work of emotional inquiry.
• Quote:
  "They don't think that the other person has a whole psyche separate from them, which is why 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' has a whole chapter. Men do have feelings. Got to tune into them sometimes."
  (Dr. Laura, 07:30)

6. Relationship Maintenance Requires Effort [07:40]

• Dr. Laura underscores the ongoing, conscious effort needed to sustain a marriage:
  • Checking in with your partner
  • Developing empathy beyond self-concern
  • Pursuing quality, not just longevity, in marriage.
• Quote:
  "If you want a quality relationship, this is the kind of work it requires, checking in with the other person to see what they're going through."
  (Dr. Laura, 08:00)

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Memorable Quotes and Moments

• Dr. Laura: "Many postmenopausal women act like they're just not interested to their men, too. That's what it looks like from a guy's point of view." [02:14]
• Dr. Laura (to Sherry): “What if it had nothing to do with you, but it only had something to do with him?... What's going on with his health? What's going on with some important relationship in his life…?” [02:50-04:00]
• Dr. Laura (example script for Sherry): “Sweetheart, I know I can see that you're not feeling as joined in...I was just wondering what are you going through and is there anything I can help with?” [06:34]
• Dr. Laura: "They don't think that the other person has a whole psyche separate from them, which is why 'Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands' has a whole chapter. Men do have feelings. Got to tune into them sometimes." [07:30]
• Dr. Laura: "If you want a quality relationship, this is the kind of work it requires, checking in with the other person to see what they're going through." [08:00]

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Important Timestamps

• 01:31: Sherry shares marriage fatigue and husband's withdrawal
• 02:14: Dr. Laura reframes perspective—men’s experience during post-menopause
• 02:50: Dr. Laura challenges Sherry to consider her husband's internal state
• 06:34: Dr. Laura gives actionable conversation advice
• 07:15: Dr. Laura’s thoughts on why callers rarely act on advice
• 07:40-08:00: Dr. Laura summarizes the effort required for a quality relationship

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Tone and Takeaways

Dr. Laura maintains her signature frank, insightful, and often challenging tone, blending empathy with directness. She encourages listeners to step beyond self-focus in relationships, to ask honestly about their spouse’s emotional experience, and to see maintaining intimacy as shared, ongoing work.

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Useful For: Anyone struggling with marital disconnect, seeking practical communication strategies, or needing a reminder to view their partner as a complex, feeling individual.

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Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day brought to you by Ghostbed Sleep matters to your mood, your health, your whole day. That's why I recommend comfy American made Ghostbed mattress. Visit ghostbed.com drlaura and use the code DrLaura to save 10%. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on SiriusXM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Sherry, welcome to the program.

[Caller (Sherry)]

Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you. What can I do for you?

[Caller (Sherry)]

Well, my husband and I have been married for 30 years. We're in a good place in our life. We've had a good relationship. I feel like the last few years we've really. I don't know, my husband's kind of pulled back from me. I've got some issues with post menopause. You know, how many things can go along with that. And I've been really struggling and trying to work it out. I feel like things have just changed. He's just not that interested. He spends a lot of time on his phone.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Many postmenopausal women act like they're just not interested to their men, too. That's what it looks like from a guy's point of view.

[Caller (Sherry)]

I do realize that and I do appreciate that. I feel like as this is happening, I feel like I'm the only one trying to. To do things. I don't know how to say it. I feel like he doesn't participate in our home, in our chores, in anything. And I just feel like he's just pulled right back and I don't know how to. I'M tired of stuff. I'm tired.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What if it had. What if it had nothing to do with you, but it only had something to do with him? What could he be going through? You went through menopause. What's happening in his life? His health, work, family. What's happening in his life?

[Caller (Sherry)]

I do agree there could be something in this stage of his life as well. We have a good family, but, you know, we're busy.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, you're not answering the question. You're not answering the question. The point is, women in general think one way about men, that they're supposed to be doing what we need, what we want. And I'm menopausal. He's not handling it well. And I'm just saying, what if something has and you're wanting him to do things, to join, to make you feel more connected? Well, what if he's going through something? When do we turn the light on them and say, what's going on with them? What's going on with his health? What's going on with some important relationship in his life with his father, whatever? So I'd like you to just take a moment and not give me a grocery list of everything you think is fine. And just think a little bit and think about what he could be going through that has nothing to do with you.

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[Caller (Sherry)]

I'm sure there are things.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you know what? Since you're sure but you have no clue, then that is where you start. Sweetheart, I know I can see that you're not feeling as joined in to doing stuff in the house and all that, and I was just wondering what are you going through and is there anything I can help with? Can you just talk to me about what you're going through? In other words, you're now a wife paying attention to his emotional state and needs. That usually gets a friendlier reaction than you're just not doing these things. So give that a shot and then call me back.

[Caller (Sherry)]

I can do that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. Excellent. Most people never call me back. I think part of that, if I could make a laundry list off the top of my head, is I think a lot of people call wanting some sparkling thing for me to say that they can just use, have, be, do that's could just spontaneously make everything all better. I think sometimes people are too centered in on themselves. It's about me, it's about what I need and want. This is hurting my feelings and they don't think that the other person has a whole psyche separate from them, which is why proper care and feeding of husbands has a whole chapter. Men do have feelings. Got to tune into them sometimes, see what's going on with him. And I think third, some people are just lazy. It's easier just to leave it. Probably more on the list and I'll come up with it later. But don't do those. If you want a quality relationship, this is the kind of work it requires, checking in with the other person to see what they're going through. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast, of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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