How Close Is Your Marriage, Really? (And No, I Don’t Just Mean Sex)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast Episode Title: How Close Is Your Marriage, Really? (And No, I Don’t Just Mean Sex)
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: May 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

Dr. Laura Schlessinger uses this episode to address the true nature of marital intimacy—spoiler: it’s much more than sex. Drawing from a Times.com article by Jean Claude Chalmet, she explores how routine, emotional vulnerability, communication, and playfulness are essential ingredients for building closeness in marriage. Dr. Laura delivers actionable advice and memorable anecdotes, urging listeners to drop grand gestures in favor of consistent, authentic connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Real Meaning of Intimacy

• Beyond Sex ([00:56]): Dr. Laura stresses that “intimacy ain't all about sex.” While sex is one component, it’s the cumulative layers of emotional safety, touch, and daily connection that create a truly intimate marriage.

  • “If the intimacy on all the other important levels is good, the sexual generally follows through. Unless there’s some medical serious issue going on.” — Dr. Laura [00:56]

• Routine vs. Romance ([01:20]): Life’s logistics—stress, administrative duties, parenting—often push romance out of marriage. Dr. Laura points out that routine is not the enemy; lack of creative connection is.

Elements of Genuine Connection

• Playfulness and Touch ([01:54]): Playfulness is crucial. Couples should focus on silly, fun moments and frequent touch, like holding hands or gentle teasing.

  • “Playfulness. I consider that one of the most important aspects of a good relationship.” — Dr. Laura [01:54]

• Communication Styles ([02:12]): Honest, vulnerable expression is key. Too many avoid vulnerability by making demands rather than sharing feelings.

  • Example given: Instead of saying, “I don’t like that you’re not sleeping next to me,” say, “Gosh, I so miss when we were sleeping close…”
  • “Which is more compelling? Get your ass over here, or I really miss our tushies touching? Which is more compelling? Just asking.” — Dr. Laura [02:45]

• Repairing Intimacy ([03:05]): Even if things have gone awry, relationships can often be repaired—with humility, effort, and a willingness to shift behaviors.

Acts of Connection

• Daily Gestures ([03:18]):

  • Simple texts or photos sent without expectation strengthen the bond.
  • Dr. Laura warns: Don't expect instant reciprocation. Gifts and texts should come without strings.
  • “And when you send a text, this is important part. Do it with no expectation because if they can’t or don’t reply and you get broody, feels resentment, don’t be a jerk, okay?” — Dr. Laura [04:38]

• Small vs. Grand Gestures ([07:29]):

  • Small, frequent gestures—like making a hot water bottle for back pain—matter more than over-the-top surprises.

  • “It’s usually the mundane. You put together a hot water bottle because their back is hurting. You don’t have to get an airplane to puff out I love you in the sky."

  • Frequent, affectionate kissing and hand-holding are vital.

  • “Kissing for the sake of kissing should be something you do quite often.” — Dr. Laura [08:03]

  • For men: “If kissing happens, keep it at the kissing. If it goes further, make sure you give her an orgasm without demanding one for yourself. It’s so important to show that you’re willing to give rather than take.” [08:33]

Rituals That Build Closeness

• 20-Second Hugs ([09:03]):

  • Long hugs release oxytocin and foster emotional connection.
  • Dr. Laura’s anecdote: A friend hugs for 20 seconds—awkward at first, but soon something to crave.
  • “When you hug, both of your bodies relax.”

• Meaningful Date Nights ([10:00]):

  • Avoid the “expensive dinner” trap. Date night should be about shared fun and laughter, like taking a dance class or finding quirky local activities together.
  • “Date night is about laughing together, in-jokes, moments of joy… Do stupid stuff.” — Dr. Laura [10:33]

Embracing Change and Growth

• Supporting Evolution ([11:31]):
  • Spouses change careers, hobbies, interests. Instead of clinging to the past, embrace and support each other’s growth.
  • “When you have a spouse who allows you to be yourself, to evolve, … don’t try to control and cling to what was.” — Dr. Laura [12:13]

Core Takeaways

• Don’t Be Selfish ([12:55]):
  • Dr. Laura insists unselfishness is fundamental: reciprocity, kindness, and moment-to-moment caring outstrip all grand gestures.
  • “Don’t be selfish. That covers a lot of the useful ground, moment by moment.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Intimacy is not just about sex…You can go into a bar anytime, day or night, pick up somebody and have sex. Don’t tell me that’s intimate. But you can’t go to a bar and pick up somebody and have them really care about you. That’s different.” — Dr. Laura [01:14]
• On vulnerability and communication: “You want the other person to love you and care about you and be tender with you. But you don’t want to look vulnerable... you do everything backwards.” — Dr. Laura [02:22]
• On routine: “Everybody falls into a routine. ...There’s stress at work. There’s parenting. Romance falls off the table.” — Dr. Laura [01:04]
• On support and change: “To remain close, we have to recalibrate. You have to be supportive and be supported.” — Dr. Laura [11:54]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• 00:56 – What is marital intimacy, really?
• 01:54 – The value of playfulness and emotional safety
• 02:12 – The right way to communicate with your spouse
• 03:18 – Nurturing intimacy through small daily acts
• 04:38 – Why no expectations should be attached to loving gestures
• 07:29 – Small actions vs. grand gestures
• 08:03 – The power of kissing and affectionate touch
• 09:03 – 20-second hugs and physical intimacy
• 10:00 – How to do a real ‘date night’
• 11:31 – Supporting your spouse through change
• 12:55 – Don’t be selfish: final key lesson

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Conclusion

Dr. Laura’s advice: Forget perfect sex and grand gestures—focus on daily, sincere acts of love, honest communication, and supporting your spouse’s growth. True marital intimacy is built on the ordinary stuff, done with extraordinary consistency and care.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Paid for by the U.S. department of Health and Human Services. Thank you for listening to my morning monologue brought to you by Golden Crest Metals, Helping everyday investors protect what they've worked so hard to build by adding gold and silver to retirement portfolios. Learn [e-mail] Protect Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] this one is written by Jean Claude Chalmet. Okay, but it was published in the times.com okay. How intimate is your marriage? And it ain't all about sex. Frankly, if the intimacy on all the other important levels is good, the sexual generally follows through. Unless there's some medical serious issue going on. So let me talk about it. Couples get married. They get familiar with each other. Everybody falls into a routine. They're called kinds of administrative things with the cars, with the plumbing that you have to take care of. There's stress at work. There's parenting. Romance falls off the table. Intimacy is not just about sex. Intimacy that I've said don't use sex. I mean, it can be, but that's not how you define it. Because you can go into a bar anytime, day or night, pick up somebody and have sex. Don't tell me that's intimate. But you can't go to a bar and pick up somebody and have them really care about you. That's different. Connection. Emotional safety. Touch. Playfulness. I consider that one of the most important aspects of a good relationship. Playfulness. Communication. Too many of you suck at communication. Why is that? Because you don't want to look vulnerable. You want the other person to love you and care about you and be tender with you. But. But you don't want to look vulnerable. So you demand things. You know you do everything backwards communication should be instead of I don't like that you're not sleeping next to me. Gosh, I so miss when we were sleeping close to each other and you know, feet would touch, tushies would touch. Really miss that. Which is more compelling? Get your ass over here. Or I really miss our tushies touching. Which is more compelling? Just asking. Now, if you screw everything up, can it be repaired? Yeah. Yeah. It takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of humility. A lot of you don't want that part. And it takes a shift in your behavior, a shift in your attitude. So I'm just going to name some things that you should do to massage and nurture intimacy. A simple text, Just one during the day, I was thinking of you. Or here's a picture of the puppy flipped over on its back. I thought you'd think this was cute. We miss you. And when you send a text, this is important part.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Do it with no expectation because if they can't or don't reply and you get broody, feels resentment, don't be a jerk, okay? Gifts have no expectations attached to them and a lovely cute text. Something cute. As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lilly Life doesn't have to be so complicated. Walmart helps you simplify. They're your one stop. Shop for daily essentials like groceries, snacks, school supplies, and thanks to Walmart Pharmacy, you can count on them for your prescription needs too. Use the Walmart app to easily manage your family's medications and save time by getting prescriptions delivered right to your door. Switch your prescriptions to Walmart Pharmacy Delivery. Not available. For all prescriptions and exclusions, apply the

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

People want to do these grand things. I've had men call me before Mother's Day and Valentine. What's some incredible thing I can do? And you know, it's usually not the glamorous, incredible things. It's usually the mundane. You put together a hot water bottle because their back is hurting. You don't have to get an airplane to puff out I love you in the sky. The smaller actions that happen with some reasonable frequency that indicates they're important to you. It's all the cute stuff. I keep telling you, it's the cute stuff. It isn't the huge expensive stuff. Kissing. Kissing for the sake of kissing should be something you do quite often. Kissing when you come together, kissing when you go apart, kissing when somebody's going upstairs. I don't care what it is. Kissing because somebody cooked you dinner. Kissing. Lots of kissing doesn't always have to be tongue down your throat and let's have sex. Kissing is a beautiful thing in of itself. Now this article was written by a man, so I'm going to read this paragraph at the end of Kissing. Okay? I say to men, be sensitive. Read your partner's body language. If kissing happens, keep it at the kissing. If it goes further, make sure you give her an orgasm without demanding one for yourself. It's so important to show that you're willing to give rather than take. So this whole article is kind of geared to the men, but I think it goes both ways. Hold hands. Hold hands. Hand holding is calming and bonding. An oxytocin booster shows you're interested. Hug for at least 20 seconds. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Christine. When you greet her or leave her and you're a friend you get a hug that lasts a good 20 seconds, which seems like an eternity. The first few times it happened, I thought, okay, how do I get loose of this? It's a little more not feeling as comfortable. And now she lets go at 19 seconds. I'm like, in a huff. Just kidding. 20 seconds. You should hug many times a day. 9, 10 times. Find a reason to hug. And if 15, 20 seconds is upsetting, you'll learn to relax into it. Because most people, when they meet each other and they hug, it's, oh, hi, right. It's not a hug. When you hug, both of your bodies relax. Okay, date night. Most of you people screw this date night up. You think going to an expensive dinner where you need an antacid afterward, you know, is the way to do date night. Nonsense. Go do something incredibly stupid and fun. Date night should all be about fun. Take a dance class. Date night is about laughing together in jokes, moments of joy, Get out of the routine and do stupid stuff. So get on the net, get on the local paper, and look for some wacky things to do. A donkey ride in the neighborhood. Cool, let's do that. We'll laugh our brains out, take pictures and go have a hamburger. That's a date night. Not all dressed up. Going out to an expensive dinner, that's not a date night. I don't know what that is. I really don't. Another thing is, I get calls sometimes with people saying, oh, when we married, he or she was this way. And now things are changing. They're interested in new things. They want a different career. They want a different hobby. That's life. Embrace it. Support each other in that. Stop being scared and undermining it. We all change. And to remain close, we have to recalibrate. You have to be supportive and be supported. When you have a spouse who allows you to be yourself, to evolve, to do things maybe you were never allowed to do as a child or couldn't afford to do whatever. Don't try to control and cling to what was okay. I think that covers a lot of turf. Anything. Yeah, don't be selfish. Don't be selfish. That covers a lot of the useful ground, moment by moment. If you have any more extraordinary situations, my number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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