How Do I Discipline My 17-year-old Son?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "How Do I Discipline My 17-year-old Son?"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Air Date: May 9, 2025
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a pressing concern from Margaret, a 45-year-old mother grappling with disciplining her 17-year-old son as he prepares to transition to college. The discussion delves into effective parenting strategies for teenagers, especially in the context of modern technological challenges.

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Margaret's Concern

Margaret begins by sharing her background of raising a well-behaved and responsible son. She details the family's cautious approach to technology, allowing her son to have a smartphone only during his sophomore year of high school with a "dumbed-down" version to monitor usage. However, as he approaches college age, she notices his increasing frustration and feelings of exclusion due to his limited access to social media and modern communication apps.

Key Points:

• Controlled Technology Exposure: Margaret restricted her son's smartphone access to ensure responsible usage.
• Upcoming Transition to College: Her son aspires to enter investment banking and feels left out without full smartphone capabilities.
• Current Conflict: Recent conversations about his smartphone use have led to increased stubbornness and resistance.

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Dr. Laura's Initial Advice

Dr. Laura prompts Margaret to delve deeper into understanding her son's specific needs and aspirations. She emphasizes the importance of aligning disciplinary measures with the son's future goals.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: “Ask him to prove me wrong. Ask him to prove me wrong. And if he proves me wrong, then you can all sit there and assess this.” (02:46)

Key Points:

• Clarifying Motivations: Understanding what the son aims to achieve can help tailor disciplinary actions.
• Reward-Based System: Encouraging positive behavior by offering incentives tied to his future success.

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Developing the Discipline Strategy

As the conversation progresses, Margaret seeks Dr. Laura's guidance on implementing consequences for her son's excessive smartphone usage. Dr. Laura introduces the concept of the honor system, advocating for trust and personal responsibility.

Key Points:

• Honor System: Setting clear expectations and rewards based on the son's adherence to rules without constant supervision.
• Consequences: Removing benefits if he fails to meet the established guidelines, reinforcing accountability.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: “It's up to you. You make the choice. And if he spends all his time on the app, screw him. That's it.” (07:33)

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Implementing the Honor System

Dr. Laura advises Margaret to communicate directly with her son, outlining the benefits he stands to gain by adhering to the agreed-upon rules and the repercussions if he does not. This approach respects his growing autonomy while maintaining parental authority.

Key Points:

• Clear Communication: Articulating the benefits tied to responsible behavior and the consequences of continued excess.
• Empowerment: Allowing the son to make his own decisions reinforces his transition into adulthood.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: “Say this is how it's going to be. You stop the apps and make a list of the things that he could get in the next four years and it'll be on the honor system.” (08:18)

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Handling Resistance and Communication

Margaret expresses concern about her son's recent obstinance and emotional withdrawal following their confrontation. Dr. Laura reassures her, emphasizing the importance of consistency and not getting bogged down by temporary resistance.

Key Points:

• Temporary Resistance: Understanding that teenage rebellion is often a phase and reinforcing boundaries helps navigate it.
• Non-Negotiable Boundaries: Maintaining firm rules without engaging in prolonged negotiations ensures clarity and respect.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: “He won't talk to me. You know, don't worry about that. Don't worry about it. That's temporary.” (10:14)

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Conclusion

The episode concludes with Dr. Laura reinforcing her support for Margaret's approach, encouraging her to stick to the established boundaries and trust in the honor system. Margaret feels empowered by the advice, ready to implement a balanced strategy that fosters her son's independence while maintaining necessary oversight.

Key Points:

• Parental Support: Dr. Laura validates Margaret's efforts and offers continued support.
• Empowerment through Boundaries: Setting clear limits while respecting the son's autonomy prepares him for adulthood.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Laura: “You're the parent. You're the matriarch. This is your decision. He lives with it and makes his choice.” (09:54)

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Final Thoughts

This episode offers valuable insights into disciplining teenagers in today's digital age. Dr. Laura emphasizes the balance between control and trust, advocating for strategies that prepare young adults for the responsibilities of adulthood while respecting their growing need for independence.

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Note: The timestamps correspond to significant points in the conversation for easy reference.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Margaret]

Hi, how are you?

[Dr. Laura]

Good, Margaret, how can I help?

[Margaret]

Okay, thank you very much for taking my call. I am a 45 year old mother of a 17 year old boy and by every definition he's been a really good kid all growing up. He's a hard worker, he's made great choices the whole bit throughout his years. We have been very careful with phones and he didn't get to have a phone until he was a freshman in high school. As a sophomore we figured out that the high schools make it really difficult not to have some sort of a different phone that we provided and so we gave him a smartphone that was very, very dumbed down. It's never been a problem. This year he's a senior heading out to college and he came to me and said, you know, I'm really getting left out of a lot of different things because I'm not on.

[Dr. Laura]

Like what? What is he getting locked out of that's important to his future?

[Margaret]

Sure. It's just like all of his friends would go and do things and the way that they communicate is on a social media app is versus text messaging. And I didn't.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm sorry. Answer my question and have your son answer the question. What are you missing out on that's important for your future? What does he want to do for a living. Does he know yet? Now?

[Margaret]

Yes. He's mentioned investment banking.

[Dr. Laura]

Investment banking? Is your husband a banker?

[Margaret]

No, but he has a cousin that's gone into it and is really excited about it. So that's where he got the idea.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, ask him. What? Okay, go ahead. Hey, I'm trying to help. So here's the deal. I don't think he needs any of that to be successful as an investment banker.

[Margaret]

Sure. Which is fine.

[Dr. Laura]

Ask him to prove me wrong. Ask him to prove me wrong. And if he proves me wrong, then you can all sit there and assess this. I would suggest you reward him for avoiding these things. Say, you know what? You keep off all this stuff and when you go to college, we'll pay for the books, we'll do this, we'll do that. If you keep up all that crap, we will help you more than normal.

[Margaret]

And that's where I agree with you, Dr. Laura. And that's where we are. So the usage became excessive.

[Dr. Laura]

And what's wrong with what I. Okay, what is there that you haven't told me that relates more to what you need my help for?

[Margaret]

Well, where I really need your help is we put down a consequence, which is no.

[Dr. Laura]

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[Margaret]

Knee pads, shack and helmet.

[Dr. Laura]

Done. See you, dad.

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[Margaret]

Okay, I love that approach and I will take that approach. My concern is because of our confrontation, or it was really a conversation, he has dug his heels in and he's become very, very, very obstinate and stubborn in the last two days.

[Dr. Laura]

He's a 17 year old boy who doesn't want to hear shit from his mom and dad about what he wants to do with apps. Okay? Nothing new about that. In today's culture. Today's culture, teenagers are not afraid of their parents anymore. They're not afraid of them with actual fear. They're not.

[Margaret]

Shh.

[Dr. Laura]

They're not afraid of them. With respect, they're not afraid. So they say things like that. You have to take him on his honor and say, we're going to take you on your honor. If you stop doing that altogether, these are the wonderful things that you will benefit from. The choice is yours. If you want to partake in all of that, these benefits will not happen. It's up to you. That's how you treat a young male adult. It's up to you. You make the choice. And if he spends.

[Margaret]

That's the exact conversation I would have.

[Dr. Laura]

And if he spends all his time on the app, screw him. That's it. Who cares? You don't give him all those benefits. That's it. It's called the real world.

[Margaret]

I love that. I think that's great advice. Can I just ask one more question?

[Dr. Laura]

Of course.

[Margaret]

Thank you. As of right now, he's, you know, giving us the cold shoulder.

[Dr. Laura]

That'll change. Okay, stop talking. Stop, stop. Gosh darn. It's like I'm not telling you anything. I just told you how to handle it. Don't worry about his attitude. That's just him trying to break you down. Don't worry about that.

[Margaret]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

Say this is how it's going to be. You stop the apps and make a list of the things that he could get in the next four years and it'll be on the honor system. And if we ever find out you're lying to us, you'll have to pay for college yourself somehow. He's supposed to become a man. Give him the opportunity. He's 17. He's going off to college, and he's either a man of his word and a man of honor or he's not. Leave that up to him. There comes a point in time with your kids where you cannot manipulate them anymore. You can just tell them the limits of what you will do based on whatever foundation you lay.

[Margaret]

That's a big shift in the way I'm thinking. So I like this. So if I might reiterate what you said to me, just, I want to make sure I have it right. I'm talking to him and saying, hey, thank you. These are the things that you will be provided with if you, on your honor, go off of these apps because they're not beneficial to your life. And again, it's the honor system. And if we find out you're lying, then it all goes. You know, it goes away. But you get to make your decisions. You're soon to be an adult, and at this point, these are the benefits you get. And if you don't do them, they go away. You know, become a man.

[Dr. Laura]

Perfect.

[Margaret]

That's what I'm saying to them.

[Dr. Laura]

That's it. And then stop talking. Don't say too much.

[Margaret]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

And then give them a hug and walk out of the room. There's no discussion after that. No discussion, no negotiation. No discussion. This is. You're the parent. You're the matriarch. This is your decision. He lives with it and makes his choice. That's what adults do. They get the parameters and they make a choice. And he'll have to live with the choice.

[Margaret]

And in the meantime, with his, like, he won't even talk to us. He takes off on his bike, you know, is having the time.

[Dr. Laura]

Margaret, I just told you a minute and a half ago. Just let that part go, please. Just let that part go.

[Margaret]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Stop the controlling. He's just manipulating you. His parents, especially mothers, get obsessed. He won't talk to me. You know, don't worry about that. Don't worry about it. That's temporary. Okay, okay.

[Margaret]

Okay. I just am trying to do the very best I can. I appreciate it very much.

[Dr. Laura]

You know what? I know you are, and I support you.

[Margaret]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. My number for whatever you need to talk about. 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend. On Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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