How to Improve an Imperfect Marriage

Summary

Podcast Summary: "How to Improve an Imperfect Marriage"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: How to Improve an Imperfect Marriage
• Release Date: April 9, 2025

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Introduction

In the April 9, 2025 episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the challenges of maintaining a healthy marriage despite inherent imperfections. This episode features a heartfelt conversation between Dr. Laura and Terry, a 42-year-old mother seeking advice on managing her husband's fluctuating behavior and fostering a nurturing environment for their two-and-a-half-year-old daughter.

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Caller Background

Terry reaches out to Dr. Laura expressing anxiety over her husband's inconsistent behavior. She describes him as "really, really good" when in a positive mood but conversely "really bad" when upset. This volatility is causing strain in their six-year marriage, especially concerning their young daughter.

Terry [01:24]: "I'm a little nervous from talking to you... when he's bad, he's really bad."

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Identifying the Core Issue

Dr. Laura empathizes with Terry, emphasizing the importance of accepting imperfection in both partners. She underscores that striving for perfection is unrealistic and that mutual compassion and understanding are pivotal.

Dr. Laura [02:01]: "He is not going to be perfect. You are not going to be perfect. You two have to be good enough, compassionate, understanding and supportive of each other..."

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Strategizing Personal Change

Dr. Laura challenges Terry to reflect on her own behavior and its impact on her marriage. She encourages her to adopt a loving and kind demeanor, especially during conflicts, to foster positive interactions.

Dr. Laura [02:25]: "So tell me what you're going to do to change yourself. As of this phone call."

Terry responds by committing to prioritize her daughter's well-being and to approach her husband with kindness rather than frustration.

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Effective Communication Techniques

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around communication strategies to de-escalate conflicts. Dr. Laura identifies defensiveness and retaliatory behavior as common pitfalls in marital disputes. She advises Terry to:

1. Pause and Reflect: Before reacting negatively, take a moment to assess the situation.

2. Seek Clarification: Ask open-ended questions to understand her husband's perspective better.

   Dr. Laura [04:08]: "So the best thing to do, I think when you're getting into that mode of striking back, is to say, let me understand..."

3. Use Endearing Terms: Starting conversations with terms like "honey" or "sweetie" can soften the interaction.

   Dr. Laura [05:27]: "Let's face it, guys are born to women... so that's when you say, honey..."

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Understanding Underlying Causes

Dr. Laura explores the potential roots of Terry's husband's short temper, linking it to his childhood experiences. She suggests that his upbringing, particularly the divorce of his parents when he was 18, may have instilled a need for immediate resolution and affected his parenting style.

Dr. Laura [07:11]: "I guarantee you that the need for everything to be okay real fast probably came for what was going on in that household."

She advises Terry to address these underlying issues by acknowledging his past, thereby fostering empathy and reducing his frustration with their daughter.

Dr. Laura [07:26]: "How about if you said something like this at a time that had nothing to do with the kid..."

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Implementing Practical Solutions

Dr. Laura provides actionable steps for Terry to implement in her daily interactions:

1. Express Empathy: Share thoughts about her husband's challenging upbringing to build understanding.

   Dr. Laura [08:05]: "I was thinking about how horrible it must have been for you between 0 and 18..."

2. Physical Affection: Use gestures like hugs or kisses to diffuse tension.

   Dr. Laura [09:07]: "Just go over, give him a hug and say, need some help with this?"

3. Consistent Support: Maintain a supportive stance to encourage positive behavioral changes over time.

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Conclusion and Takeaways

The episode concludes with Terry feeling empowered by Dr. Laura's advice. She commits to applying the suggested strategies to improve her marriage and create a stable environment for her daughter.

Terry [10:27]: "I think you're right. And he is aware of..."

Dr. Laura reinforces the importance of empathy and proactive communication in nurturing an imperfect marriage, emphasizing that meaningful change requires patience and understanding from both partners.

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Key Insights:

• Acceptance of Imperfection: Recognizing that neither partner will be perfect is crucial for a healthy relationship.
• Empathetic Communication: Understanding and addressing underlying issues can mitigate conflicts.
• Practical Strategies: Simple gestures and mindful interactions can significantly improve marital dynamics.
• Impact of Upbringing: Childhood experiences play a significant role in shaping adult behavior and responses.

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Notable Quotes:

• Dr. Laura [02:01]: "He is not going to be perfect. You are not going to be perfect..."
• Dr. Laura [05:27]: "Guys are born to women... so that's when you say, honey..."
• Dr. Laura [07:26]: "How about if you said something like this at a time that had nothing to do with the kid..."

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Final Thoughts

Dr. Laura Schlessinger adeptly addresses the complexities of sustaining a marriage amidst imperfections. Through Terry's call, listeners gain valuable insights into fostering empathy, effective communication, and personal accountability—key components in strengthening marital bonds and ensuring a harmonious family life.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Terry]

Hi Dr. Laura, how are you? Thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. Laura]

You're very welcome.

[Terry]

I'm a little nervous from talking to you, but I'm 42 years old, I have a two and a half year old daughter. I've been married for six years and I'm having a problem with my husband. When he's good, he's really, really good, but when he's bad, he's really bad. And when I say bad, doesn't the.

[Dr. Laura]

Same go for you?

[Terry]

No, it does. I would agree. Yeah, I would agree, but he has a.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, stop what you're saying then. Stop what you're saying. He is not going to be perfect. You are are not going to be perfect. You two have to be good enough, compassionate, understanding and supportive of each other and kind in bad moments because we have a two and a half year old who doesn't need her life destroyed.

[Terry]

You're right. You're right. You're totally right.

[Dr. Laura]

So tell me what you're going to do to change yourself. As of this phone call.

[Terry]

I am going to think about my daughter and what's best for her and put my best foot forward and not sweat.

[Dr. Laura]

Be specific about how to interact with him. How are you going to change how you interact with him based on this phone call?

[Terry]

I'm going to be loving and kind because he does respond, obviously in a positive way when I'm not snotty, of course that's.

[Dr. Laura]

But when you're snotty, does it make you happy While you're being snotty, do you feel happy?

[Terry]

No, not at all.

[Dr. Laura]

Well then why do doesn't feel good? What could we do instead of snotty that would make you feel better? Think of a time something happened and you went into snotty mode. Think about how that might be handled differently. Just think, right.

[Terry]

I could have defused the situation by instead of being defensive, I could have been kinder and nicer and responded with a better comment instead of trying to dig back.

[Dr. Laura]

That's probably number one on the hit parade for marriages. Getting defensive and hitting back, it's probably the number one thing. And believe it or not, mostly we do that and we've a little bit misinterpreted what the other person said and meant. So the best thing to do, I think when you're getting into that mode of striking back, is to say, let me understand, is this what you mean? I should pick my nose at only three in the afternoon? I'm just making up something. Is that what you mean? Now think about that. I opened the program up two and a half hours ago talking about taking things slower. Slower. So if you were to slow down and inquire, be curious as to what he meant, he will be stunned. And if there was an edge to what he said or meant, he'll take it back right then and there. But it doesn't get taken back once you start fighting and being snarky. Right? So if at that moment where you say to him, honey, always start with honey or sweetie, whichever one. Honey.

[Terry]

And I don't. And I don't do that. And I should for sure.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, honey. Let's face it, guys are born to women. Their whole lives are trying to figure out how to get along with women. Mom told them what to do. The wife has to be more subtle. So that's when you say, honey, did you mean to say you're disappointed that I didn't shovel the snow? And if he meant that, he'll probably go, no, no, no, no, that's not at all. But if you come back with an attitude, it's over.

[Terry]

I agree. I have a second part to my question with my two and a half year old. He, my husband has a very short temper like with her. And I think he expects her to act a certain way even though she's only two. And in those situations I definitely correct him. And is there anything else or a certain way that I can do that to protect my daughter, but also have to be that.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you know anything about his history? Yeah. Do you know anything about his history? His mom and dad. Do you know his mom and dad today? What are they like with him?

[Terry]

Very well. Good. He has a great relationship, and we have a great relationship with his mom and he has a good relationship with his dad. But they got divorced when he was 18. And.

[Dr. Laura]

And before 0 and 18, it couldn't have been pleasant in that household, You're.

[Terry]

And I know that to be true. I know that to be true from his numerous family members and his sister. And yeah, I do know.

[Dr. Laura]

I guarantee you that the need for everything to be okay real fast probably came for what was going on in that household. So how about if you said something like this at a time that had nothing to do with the kid, you were just hanging out, you know, watching a movie, hanging out and saying, honey, I was thinking about how horrible it must have been for you between 0 and 18. I mean, it wasn't too great afterwards either, but I mean, to be pulled two different directions, but it must have been hard for you to feel calm and then just shut up.

[Terry]

I definitely could see. Yeah. And see what he says, if anything.

[Dr. Laura]

And he'll say, well, I don't know. And then, yeah, well, maybe. And you can say, yeah, I think there was probably some pressure on you to behave well, because they were already fighting. And I'm thinking sometimes when you get impatient with little. Is it a boy or a girl we're talking about?

[Terry]

That's a little girl.

[Dr. Laura]

A kid. A little girl. I notice sometimes you seem like you need her to pull it together right now. And I was wondering if that's how you might have felt growing up. So instead of telling him what a sucky parent he is, we're now saying that some of his reaction is based upon his child experience. He'll think about that. He will think about that. And I guarantee you over time that'll change things. Because right now, is there anything I.

[Terry]

Should do at that moment?

[Dr. Laura]

Look at it. Okay? Look at it through my eyeballs right now. Acting up when he was a little kid, probably got a really bad reaction from the parents because they were already pissy. He's looking at his daughter and thinking the same thing. She should just behave better. Because he's thinking about what happened to him. He's looking at her through his eyes as a child. If you see him starting to get impatient with her, just go over, give him a hug and say, need some help with this? Give him a hug, give him a kiss on the cheek. It deflates everything. Physicality deflates most bad feelings. You know that, right? When a friend is crying, what's the first thing you do? You hug them.

[Terry]

You're right.

[Dr. Laura]

So go over quickly, give him a kiss on the cheek because this will change as soon as he understands this is his childhood pain.

[Terry]

I think you're right. And he is aware of.

[Dr. Laura]

See how powerful. See how powerful you are.

[Terry]

Yeah, I forget that. And I have been listening to for a long time and I do try to remember what you teach us all the time, so.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, I'm glad you called.

[Terry]

I will definitely, because. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Go ahead.

[Terry]

I was gonna say I really appreciate your words and advice.

[Dr. Laura]

But that what upset you. Watch the movie and just say I was thinking about you as a kid before they divorced and that had to be tough growing up in that environment and just shut up and let him talk.

[Terry]

I will. Then I'll hold his hand.

[Dr. Laura]

Right? Give him a hug. Okay. Little kiss on the cheek. All right, sweetie. Thank you for your call. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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