How to Know When a Relationship is Right

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: How to Know When a Relationship is Right
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: October 12, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode focuses on understanding when a romantic relationship is right for you, particularly from the perspective of a young woman navigating early adulthood. Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers her signature direct advice to Amanda, a 21-year-old caller confused about the expectations and realities of a new relationship. The discussion revolves around personal accountability, mature expectations, and the importance of assessing character over attention in a partner.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Amanda’s Relationship Dilemma ([01:46])

• Amanda, age 21, is uncertain about whether to continue seeing a man she has known for a few months after he returned from time abroad.
• Amanda feels that her needs for attention aren’t being met as the man is focused on his family and has other priorities.

2. Unrealistic Expectations & Self-Focus ([02:38])

• Dr. Laura: Points out that Amanda is too “self-focused” and reminds her that both people have independent lives, especially at a young age.
• “He is never going to turn over the totality of his life to you, nor will any man. The only creature you can get to do that is a dog. Not even a cat.” ([03:03])
• Emphasizes the need for Amanda to approach the relationship in a “grown up way,” by acknowledging and respecting the other’s commitments.

3. The Fantasy vs. Reality of Relationships ([03:28])

• Dr. Laura challenges Amanda’s idea of being at “the center” of her partner’s universe.
• Advocates for flexibility and understanding, especially when both partners are building their lives.
• “Your expectation, your fantasies about what a relationship with a man is like, are way out of whack.” ([03:56])

4. Should Amanda Give Him More Time or Move On? ([04:06])

• Amanda asks if she should give him more time as he promises to improve.
• Dr. Laura’s clear advice: “Let him go. Absolutely. Please let him go. You’re much too demanding.” ([04:27])
• Reassures Amanda that she’s not being criticized to cause pain, but to help her grow past a romanticized view of relationships.

5. What Makes a Relationship Right: Qualities to Look For ([08:20])

• Dr. Laura provides a checklist for Amanda’s future:
  • “That he’s a good person of character.”
  • Observe how he treats his family and strangers.
  • Evaluate if he’s thoughtful, kind, fair, and willing to discuss issues.
  • Reminds Amanda that “how much time he dedicates to you” is not the most meaningful factor.
• “If you’re married to somebody in the military, that’s going to be a very destructive notion you have in your head… Because these are men who are otherwise occupied and you have to fit in if you want them.” ([08:43])

6. On Trusting Promises in Relationships ([09:08])

• Amanda questions the sincerity of her partner’s promises to try harder.
• Dr. Laura: “It’s not a matter of not trusting. It’s a matter of, I think no matter what he did, it wouldn’t be enough for you.” ([09:20])
• Cautions Amanda about focusing on what she can get from the relationship rather than what she gives.

7. Keys to Maturity and Reciprocity ([10:28])

• Dr. Laura advises patience and self-education:
  • “You’ve read a lot. You have fantasy notions. You haven’t spent a lot of time in the real world with real men. And, and you’ll learn. I’m just giving you a little heads up.” ([10:36])
  • She references John F. Kennedy: “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” ([10:55]) Applying this to relationships, focus on what you contribute rather than what you’re getting.

8. Patience and Self-Growth ([11:34])

• Amanda asks how she'll know when she's approaching relationships more maturely.
• Dr. Laura’s encouragement: “You’re only 21. Be patient. Got a good eight, nine years to get good at this. So you make an intelligent choice in a man. Be patient. It takes time to learn this all to learn yourself and to learn a man.” ([11:34])
• Final admonition: “A man does not exist for your benefit only. Get that one out of your head.” ([12:17])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “He is never going to turn over the totality of his life to you, nor will any man. The only creature you can get to do that is a dog. Not even a cat.” – Dr. Laura ([03:03])
• “Your expectation, your fantasies about what a relationship with a man is like, are way out of whack.” – Dr. Laura ([03:56])
• “Let him go. He doesn’t need to be tortured by you.” – Dr. Laura ([04:27])
• “If you want more attention, get a dog. Human beings have lives, especially at this very young age.” – Dr. Laura ([03:28])
• “When you do other people, it makes you feel special.” – Dr. Laura ([10:59])
• “A man does not exist for your benefit only. Get that one out of your head.” – Dr. Laura ([12:17])

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Important Timestamps

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|---------------------------------------------------| | 01:46 | Amanda introduces her relationship dilemma | | 02:38 | Dr. Laura challenges Amanda’s expectations | | 03:28 | Advice on self-focus and unrealistic fantasies | | 04:27 | Dr. Laura tells Amanda to let him go | | 08:20 | Criteria for a healthy relationship | | 09:08 | On trusting your partner's promises/language | | 10:28 | Learning through experience & JFK quote | | 11:34 | Advice on patience and growth | | 12:17 | Final admonition about realistic expectations |

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Tone: Candid, direct, and nurturing; Dr. Laura balances tough love with empathy for Amanda’s age and inexperience.
• Takeaway: Healthy relationships are rooted in respect, shared values, and realistic expectations—not in demanding to be the center of someone’s world. Young adults should be patient with themselves and seek out partners of strong character, focusing on what they bring to a relationship rather than solely what they receive.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Amanda (Caller)]

Hi Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hi. What can I help you with?

[Amanda (Caller)]

Okay, so I've been talking to this guy. I met him, he was like on an exchange trip and we were talking online for like four or five months and it was, it was good. And then he got home and we kind of like started off from there and I guess I probably had high expectations for like what was going to happen. At first I feel like he was talking or like he was putting a lot of his like time and attention went to his family, which was understandable because like he was gone for so long. But then I thought like things would switch and there was just like I'm just confused on whether I should continue being with him or not.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Little too self focused my dear. But at 21, I guess we all were. He's got a life without you. You guys are not getting married. You barely know each other. If you'd like to see him now and then give him a call and say, I know you're busy with family and things, but you know, if you're going to be in town, why don't we get together that's the grown up way to handle that, is to acknowledge that the other person has a life. And dear Amanda, he is never going to turn over the totality of his life to you, nor will any man. The only creature you can get to do that is a dog. Not even a cat.

[Amanda (Caller)]

Seriously, I, like, I've been, like, pretty clear about, like, my standards, like, how I want to be treated. And there has been like a time.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He'S not living for you. If he's going to be with his family, don't say, this is how I want to be treated. I want more attention. If you want more attention, get a dog. Human beings have lives, especially at this very young age. You are not ever going to be the center of his life in the next three years, even if you continue seeing him, because he's going to have a career, he's going to have family, he's going to have things just as hopefully you will. So your expectation, your fantasies about what a relationship with a man is like, are way out of whack.

[Amanda (Caller)]

Do you think even though, like, I will try to end things with him and he will just, like, be really persistent? Like, no, like, you're the person that I want. Like, I'm sorry that I like. Obviously at first it was like a rough start because, like, I was trying to get things figured out. But, like, now I'm willing to give 110% and he is doing a little bit better, but I feel like still not 100%. Like, is that something that I give him time for?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Let him go. Let him go. He doesn't need to be tortured by you. Let him go. Absolutely. Please let him go. You're much too demanding.

[Amanda (Caller)]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I'm not saying this to intentionally cause pain, but I was 21. I understand the mindset. There's a romanticized notion that he lives for you, he's got a life, you want to fit into it, then you're going to have to be flexible.

[Amanda (Caller)]

So do you feel like in the future, like, in what ways can I be better? And like, what things should I be looking for? That's not that.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That he's a good person of character. That you watch his behavior with his family when you go out in public. He's thoughtful, he's kind, he's Fair. He's willing to discuss things out with you, things like that, not how much time he dedicates to you. I mean, if you're married to somebody in the military, that's going to be a very destructive notion you have in your head. If you marry somebody who's a brain surgeon, that's going to be a very destructive notion to have in your head. Because these are men who are otherwise occupied and you have to fit in if you want them.

[Amanda (Caller)]

Okay. And, like, you don't feel like him saying, like, no, like, I want to be with you. Like, I'm willing to, like, put in the effort and all that. Like, I shouldn't trust what he's saying.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's not a matter of not trusting. It's a matter of, I think no matter what he did, it wouldn't be enough for you. And then at 21, he's still trying to please this girl, dash woman, and getting very upset and exhausted over it all. I mean, you've been thinking more about what you want him to do to you than what you've done for him. You're not even a halfway kind of woman. As I said, you have a fantasy notion of how a relationship is supposed to be, and it's really, with you, the center of the universe, the only man you're going to get to cater to that is a real limp dick.

[Amanda (Caller)]

Do you think, like, there's, like, that I should change in this relationship and, like, give him that space or, like, it's, it's done, it's gone too far, like, past the point?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes. No, it hasn't. You've just been kind of difficult. Sweetie, you're 21. Probably cut yourself some slack. You've read a lot. You have fantasy notions. You haven't spent a lot of time in the real world with real men. And, and you'll learn. I'm just giving you a little heads up. John F. Kennedy, one our most interesting president, said, ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. I loved that. In relationships, if two people are doing that, they're going to have a lovely relationship. So ask not all the stuff you want from him so you feel special. I tell you something, when you do other people, it makes you feel special.

[Amanda (Caller)]

Yeah, how do I know when it's like, I am putting in like that?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're only 21. Be patient. Got a good eight, nine years to get good at this. So you make an intelligent choice in a man. Be patient. It takes time to learn this all to learn yourself and to learn a man. But the first thing you have to get into your head. A man does not exist for your benefit only. Get that one out of your head. I think I have a break I'm supposed to take. Is that True? My number 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com Dr. Laura and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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