I Can't Fill My Mom's Shoes

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "I Can't Fill My Mom's Shoes"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Episode: I Can't Fill My Mom's Shoes
• Release Date: February 2, 2025

Overview: In the episode titled "I Can't Fill My Mom's Shoes," Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt and emotionally charged call from a listener named Kelly. The discussion delves into themes of family dynamics, personal responsibility, coping with a parent's illness, and managing anger towards a parent. Dr. Laura provides no-nonsense advice aimed at helping Kelly navigate her complex emotions and familial obligations during a challenging time.

Caller Introduction:

• Caller: Kelly
• Timestamp: [00:44]

Kelly reaches out to Dr. Laura seeking guidance after her mother was placed on hospice care. She expresses deep feelings of anger and resentment towards her father, compounded by the trauma of her mother's recurring cancer diagnosis.

Emotional Turmoil and Family Dynamics:

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [01:05]

  "First of all, I'm sorry about your mom. Has she been ill for long?"

Kelly explains that her mother has been battling colon cancer for five years, with the disease now having metastasized. She highlights the strain this has placed on her family, particularly her growing resentment towards her father.

• Caller: [01:48]

  "Maybe not a lifetime, but when I was old enough to understand just seeing his passiveness, and then I am angry how he's handling my mom's cancer the past five years."

Analyzing the Source of Anger: Dr. Laura seeks to pinpoint the root of Kelly's anger, distinguishing between lifelong resentment and current frustrations related to her father's handling of her mother's illness.

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [02:05]

  "Are you angry with your dad that your mom picked him to be your dad? Or are you angry about how he's handling the hospice?"

Kelly admits that her anger stems from observing her father's passiveness over the years and his inability to manage the current crisis effectively.

Understanding Parental Roles and Expectations: Dr. Laura explores the dynamics of Kelly's parents' marriage, emphasizing the deliberate choice her mother made in selecting a more passive partner to maintain her independence and control within the relationship.

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [02:40]

  "Your mother didn't want a strong man, she didn't want that, so she married a man so she would have more independence, control."

She advises Kelly to reconsider her anger towards her father, suggesting that her resentment may be more appropriately directed towards her mother for her choice of a passive partner. Dr. Laura underscores that her father has historically relied on her mother's strength and is now struggling to cope with her impending loss.

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [07:20]

  "So he's relied and counted on her. Now she's dying and he's lost. How can we blame him?"

Navigating Caregiving Responsibilities: Kelly expresses concern over her father's declining ability to care for himself and the prospect of having to step into a caregiver role traditionally filled by her mother.

• Caller: [07:12]

  "He's also let himself go to the point where he can't care for himself and my husband."

Dr. Laura advises against Kelly taking on the role of caregiver, emphasizing the importance of honoring the vows she made to her husband and seeking professional help to avoid becoming overwhelmed.

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [09:31]

  "You gave vows to your husband. That's your first obligation."

She recommends exploring placement options where professionals can provide the necessary care, relieving Kelly from bearing the entire burden herself.

Emotional Resolution and Moving Forward: Through their conversation, Kelly gains clarity on the origins of her anger and begins to understand the importance of setting aside misplaced resentment to focus on fulfilling her primary responsibilities.

• Caller: [09:59]

  "Exactly. Thank you. That just helped me so much. I didn't even really know where the rage was from, so. Or the anger."

Dr. Laura offers reassurance and reinforces the need for Kelly to prioritize her commitments and well-being.

• Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [10:14]

  "I don't blame you."

Conclusion: The episode concludes with Dr. Laura expressing empathy for Kelly's situation and reiterating her availability for support. The dialogue emphasizes the significance of understanding underlying emotions, prioritizing personal obligations, and seeking professional assistance when dealing with familial crises.

Notable Quotes:

1. Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [02:40] "Your mother didn't want a strong man, she didn't want that, so she married a man so she would have more independence, control."
2. Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [07:20] "So he's relied and counted on her. Now she's dying and he's lost. How can we blame him?"
3. Dr. Laura Schlessinger: [09:31] "You gave vows to your husband. That's your first obligation."
4. Caller Kelly: [09:59] "Exactly. Thank you. That just helped me so much. I didn't even really know where the rage was from, so. Or the anger."

Final Thoughts: Dr. Laura Schlessinger continues to provide compassionate and straightforward advice, guiding listeners through personal struggles with a focus on ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility. This episode highlights her expertise in handling sensitive family matters, offering valuable insights for those facing similar challenges.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Kelly welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thanks so much for taking my call. But last Friday, my mom got put on hospice. And you know, that's a struggle itself. But I am struggling, struggling with just so much anger and resentment towards my dad. And I know this is not the time that I blew up.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Wait a minute. Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. You have to understand, I know nothing. I have to listen to you tell me everything. When you race through stuff, then I have no clue where I am. Okay? So just.

[Caller]

I'm sorry.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

First of all, I'm sorry about your mom. Has she been ill for long?

[Caller]

Yeah, she had cancer five years ago, colon cancer. And, you know, the treatment, and now it's back and it's spread everywhere, so there's just really nothing.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So it's been five miserable years. Okay. And how long have they been married.

[Caller]

My parents? They've been married 58 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so are you angry with your dad that your mom picked him to be your dad? Or are you angry about how he's handling the hospice? If you would just be specific as to what you're angry about.

[Caller]

Well, I think I'm angry. You know, you use the term limp dick. That kind of describes my dad.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Again, my question is, are you angry for him for a whole lifetime of not liking him, or are you angry at him because of how he's handling the current problem? That's what I need to know.

[Caller]

Maybe not a lifetime, but when I was old enough to understand just seeing his passiveness, and then I am angry how he's handling my mom's cancer the past five years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Let's do one thing at a time. Number one, okay? You. Your mother didn't want a strong man, she didn't want that, so she married a man so she would have more independence, control. I'm not sure all the words I might be able to use here. When women marry passive men, it's on purpose. So being angry with him means you're pissed off at your mother for that being her choice. So I think you ought to put that anger aside because it doesn't make sense she didn't marry a strong alpha male and him become Olympic overnight. Okay, so passive guys, if they've married a stronger woman, he's relied on her to be the strength in the marriage and the family. She's dying. Yes, he doesn't handle that well because he's a passive guy who relied on a strong woman for all these years and now he's going to lose that. So cut the rage because it's not relevant here. Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me. And we have a new addition to our movie nights, the fluffiest pretty Rosewater pink Lola blanket. Lola blankets are unbelievably soft double sided faux fur blankets with a huggable stretch that molds to your body. Lola blankets come in a beautiful array of colors and three different sizes so you can find just the right fit for your family. They even offer weighted blankets for better sleep and and relaxation and super cute knotted faux fur pillows. With thousands of five star reviews, Lola blankets are the must have upgrade your home and comfort deserve. So go to lolablankets.com use my code DrLaura at checkout for 40% off. An incredible discount just for you my listener. What are you waiting for? Go to lolablankets.com today and experience the life changing softness for yourself.

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Okay, I just. He's also let himself go to the point where he can't care for himself and my husband.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Let me do it again. Let me do it again since you're so interested in staying pissy and being correct that you just ignored everything I said. So I'll go back. Your mom didn't want a strong man. She wanted to be the strong man. So she married a weaker man. And he's been weak the whole time. But he's relied on his wife because she's the strong one. So he's relied and counted on her. Now she's dying and he's lost. How can we blame him? She picked him. This is what she wanted. And now he's lost because he won't have wife dash mommy to rely on. And you proved my point. But you thought you didn't. You proved my point when you said he's not taking care of himself. Chances are he's going to die soon too. Yeah, about 18 months. Something like this happens. Her bodies just collapse because he can't do life without her. You're out of line being rageful about him. This is as best he can do. That's what she picked.

[Caller]

Yeah, I. I just can't take the place of my mom and do that for him when she's gone.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You can't. And he will probably pass within a few years. Can't guarantee anything. And I'm not saying I hope it. I'm just saying he can't live without her. And you can't be that person either. No. No, you can't.

[Caller]

I think that's probably my biggest frustration is just. I don't think either of them expect me to do that. But I think I expected of myself. And maybe I just had a small epiphany.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You gave vows to your husband. That's your first obligation.

[Caller]

Yes. Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Now, if he needs a placement in a place where they have nurses and they take care of people, you might look into placement. So professionals will take over. But no, your mother wanted it. You don't.

[Caller]

Exactly. Thank you. That just helped me so much. I didn't even really know where the rage was from, so. Or the anger. Oh, thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You didn't want this dumped on you?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't blame you. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Hit you on the head with anything, did I? No. I feel bad.

[Caller]

No, but.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But you need. You're probably going to need to find him nursing care or, you know, someplace.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. And I will do that. I'm not that angry, so. Yeah, I can't even.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And don't yell at your mom. She's already dying. She doesn't need Grace. Why did you marry a weak guy? Now I'm stuck with him. Don't do that.

[Caller]

Yeah, I won't. And you know what? My husband and I both have read your books and on marriage and feeding and caring of husbands and feeding of caring of marriage, and we're sticking to it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So good.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Excellent. Lots of hugs. Take care. Sorry about your mom. My number 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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