I Can't Seem to Let Go

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "I Can't Seem to Let Go"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111
• Episode: I Can't Seem to Let Go
• Release Date: July 9, 2025

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Introduction

In the episode titled "I Can't Seem to Let Go," Dr. Laura Schlessinger tackles the complex and emotionally charged topic of leaving an abusive marriage. The discussion is centered around a call from Anna, a listener grappling with the difficult decision to leave her husband, who exhibits both emotional and physical abuse. Dr. Laura provides no-nonsense advice, emphasizing personal responsibility and ethical accountability, consistent with her long-standing approach to offering guidance.

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Anna's Call: Seeking Clarity on Leaving Her Husband

Background and Initial Concerns Anna reaches out to Dr. Laura seeking clarity about whether she should leave her husband. She shares that they have been married for two years and together for four years, without any children from their union. Anna reveals that her husband is in his second marriage, with two children from his first marriage.

Dr. Laura (00:49): "How can I help?"

Anna (00:49): "So I'm looking for some clarity in a decision that I'm trying to make of whether or not to leave my husband."

Understanding the Past Anna admits that she didn't fully understand the reasons behind her husband’s first marriage dissolution, initially attributing it to mutual infidelity. However, recent experiences have made her question whether there were deeper issues.

Anna (01:37): "There was some infidelity on both his part and his, his previous wife's part that ultimately led to the end of the marriage."

The Appeal and Early Relationship Anna explains that she was initially attracted to her husband because she believed he was genuinely working to change his problematic behaviors. She thought he was sincere in his efforts, which included counseling and self-improvement measures. However, in hindsight, she suspects that these efforts were superficial.

Anna (02:14): "I really felt like when I met him, he was really putting in work to change... I think now, you know, in hindsight, it was lip service more than true work being done."

Marital Dynamics and Alcohol Abuse Post-marriage, Anna describes her husband's escalating alcohol consumption, leading to public intoxication and embarrassing situations. Despite her efforts to encourage him to reduce his drinking, her attempts were met with anger and accusations of controlling behavior.

Anna (05:14): "Alcohol has always been a large part of his life, and alcohol continued to add, escalate... All of my conversations with him about reducing his use were met with anger and frustration."

Emotional Abuse and Manipulation Anna details the onset of emotional abuse, particularly after their engagement. She acknowledges her naivety and tendency to internalize blame, believing she was the source of their marital issues. Her husband would become frustrated with her time management, often without clearly communicating his expectations.

Anna (09:20): "...if I wasn't very aware of his time frame... I would be irresponsible and didn't know how to manage my time. And I would become, you know, that would become a frustration for him, even though he hadn't communicated."

Decision to Leave and Current Separation The culmination of these challenges led Anna to separate from her husband. Dr. Laura emphasizes the gravity of leaving an abusive relationship, cautioning against underestimating the potential danger due to perceptions of weakness.

Dr. Laura (13:29): "No, don't talk. Just sit with that. It's not funny."

Anna acknowledges the severity of her situation and expresses a newfound clarity about needing to leave.

Anna (17:03): "Thank you. That was the answer I was needing. Not maybe not wanting, but needing definitely."

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Dr. Laura’s Guidance and Final Thoughts

Dr. Laura delivers a powerful and direct message, urging Anna to prioritize her safety and well-being over fears of embarrassment or perceived failures. She underscores the importance of recognizing abuse and taking decisive action to escape it, highlighting that tolerating such behavior only empowers the abuser.

Dr. Laura (15:15): "So this is a turning moment in your life... you're at a turning point now. You can either do what is sane, reasonable, and very difficult and uncomfortable and maybe embarrassing... Or one day you could be dead at his hands."

She addresses the psychological barriers that often prevent individuals from leaving abusive relationships, such as self-judgment and fear of not finding another partner.

Dr. Laura (16:04): "Good God, woman. That's not a really good reason to tolerate abuse."

Dr. Laura concludes by reaffirming Anna’s decision to separate, reinforcing that recognizing and acting upon the need to leave is a sign of strength, not weakness.

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Key Takeaways

1. Recognizing Abuse: Understanding both emotional and physical abuse is crucial. Anna's experience highlights how abuse can be subtle and escalate over time.

2. Self-Blame and Naivety: Individuals in abusive relationships may internalize blame and fail to recognize the signs of abuse early on.

3. The Role of External Pressure: Societal and familial pressures can complicate the decision to leave, contributing to feelings of embarrassment and self-doubt.

4. Decisive Action for Safety: Prioritizing personal safety and well-being is paramount, and taking the difficult step to leave is a testament to one's strength.

5. Empowerment Through Support: Reaching out for help, as Anna did, is a critical step in overcoming abusive dynamics.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Dr. Laura (00:49): "How can I help?"
• Anna (02:14): "...in hindsight, it was lip service more than true work being done."
• Dr. Laura (13:29): "No, don't talk. Just sit with that. It's not funny."
• Dr. Laura (15:15): "So this is a turning moment in your life... Or one day you could be dead at his hands."
• Dr. Laura (16:04): "Good God, woman. That's not a really good reason to tolerate abuse."

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Conclusion

In "I Can't Seem to Let Go," Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides a candid and compassionate analysis of Anna's tumultuous marital situation. Through incisive questioning and unwavering support, Dr. Laura helps Anna confront the harsh realities of her relationship and empowers her to make the difficult but necessary decision to leave an abusive partner. This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the importance of self-respect, safety, and the courage required to break free from toxic dynamics.

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This summary encapsulates the core discussions and advice provided in the episode, offering valuable insights for listeners facing similar challenges.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

When work gets crazy, I like to stop by the bar after, have a few cold ones. I don't drink at all until 4 o'. Clock. We limit ourselves to one bottle of wine a night. Excessive drinking has a way of sneaking up on us. A few drinks, a few nights a.

[Anna]

Week, it can add up.

[Dr. Laura]

And suddenly we're at greater risk for long term problems like heart disease, cancer and depression. Reason enough to rethink the drink. More [e-mail] NoHE initiative. Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Anna, welcome to the program.

[Anna]

Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

You're welcome. How can I help?

[Anna]

So I'm looking for some clarity in a decision that I'm trying to make of whether or not to leave my husband. We've been married only a couple of years and there were some.

[Dr. Laura]

Is that two years?

[Anna]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[Dr. Laura]

And how long did you date?

[Anna]

Almost two years. We've been together four years.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. And did you make any kids with him?

[Anna]

I did not.

[Dr. Laura]

And is this your first marriage?

[Anna]

It is.

[Dr. Laura]

Is it his first marriage?

[Anna]

This is his second marriage and he has two children from his first marriage.

[Dr. Laura]

And what caused his first marriage to end with children?

[Anna]

I don't know that I really have a great understanding of that. I thought that I did. But in light of the, you know, the situation that I've been placed in, I think there may have been more to it. There was some infidelity on both his part and his, his previous wife's part that ultimately led to the, the end of the marriage. But after going through what I've been through in the last couple years, I think there was probably more to it, you know, that I just don't know about.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, well, the two years you were dating him, what made a man with small children who screwed around on his wife attractive?

[Anna]

I really felt like when I met him, he was really putting in work to change, you know, some of the things that had happened. I also was, I think, led to believe that much of the challenges that they went through were on his wife's part. You know, it. I was led to believe that she really was. Was not a good person and that her intentions had never been good. And I really, nonetheless, a man who.

[Dr. Laura]

Is married with small children has affair or affairs, that was a risk you were willing to take. And I was just wondering why.

[Anna]

I thought he had changed. I thought that he was putting, you know, the work into himself and putting the time in to rectify those behaviors. And I don't think that the work was actually being done. I think now, you know, in hindsight, it was lip service more than true work being done.

[Dr. Laura]

And what did he describe as the work he was doing?

[Anna]

So he talked about the counseling that he and his ex had gone through, you know, leading up to and during the time of the divorce, the books that he was reading, the, you know, the therapy that he had done and was doing, you know, and in hindsight, I don't know that those things actually were happening.

[Dr. Laura]

Got it. So in the two years you were dating, how did that go?

[Anna]

It went well. I mean, enough that, you know, I waited until I was well into my early, I guess into my 30s to even consider getting married. That was, you know, not something that was immediately on my radar in my 20s. And so I felt like I was looking for a man that kind of, you know, fit his demeanor and his characteristics. And we had very similar interests. He was very kind, he was very charismatic. You know, we went and went and did and had a lot of fun. And, you know, he was very enjoyable to spend time with. Like I said, our hobbies aligned well, our interests aligned well, our plans for our lives, I felt like aligned well.

[Dr. Laura]

What about his children? Where did they fit into this?

[Anna]

So they, at that time were both living with his ex wife and I. I got along well with his children. They, his children are great, you know, and my concerns don't have. Don't have anything really to do with, with the children. I didn't have any challenges with, with the children until some of his behavior became a problem. And that was kind of where those, those changes started to shift.

[Dr. Laura]

But I don't feel such an awful person. How come that didn't show up in the two years of dealing with the kids or did it?

[Anna]

I probably did not pay attention to the signs that were there that, that she maybe was not the issue. I think I was probably a little bit blind in that.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so what then happened after you married?

[Anna]

So he. Alcohol has always been a large part of his life, and alcohol continued to add, escalate. There were a number of. Of occasions of significant public intoxication that became very embarrassing, you know, at work events and, and other types of events. And all of my conversations with him about reducing his use were met with anger and frustration and, you know, comments that I was trying to control him or, you know, being selfish in me asking him to change a part of his personality and behavior.

[Dr. Laura]

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[Anna]

No, I didn't see some of it. We didn't live together while we dated either. And so I think some of it was hidden and so I wasn't seeing it. And I definitely was not seeing the magnitude of it. We didn't move in together until almost immediately.

[Dr. Laura]

You went to parties and events and you wouldn't drink to excess at any of the parties or things.

[Anna]

There were a couple of episodes, but it wasn't every event. You know, it was episodic and those were the times where we would maybe have conversations and he would be very apologetic and you know, act embarrassed almost and you know it's not going to happen again. And I, I believe those things.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Anna]

When we did.

[Dr. Laura]

Besides, besides doing the drunk routine, anything else happen?

[Anna]

The emotional abuse probably began shortly after we got engaged. And.

[Dr. Laura]

Engaged.

[Anna]

It was a little bit more hidden. Yes, it probably was. Again, I was, I was naive to some of it and I took ownership of, you know, thinking That I was, was the problem and I was too much and it was, was me creating some of the issues. And give me an example.

[Dr. Laura]

Creating the issue. Give me an example of you creating the issue.

[Anna]

So time management would be something that he would get frustrated with me about, so I would be outside doing something that needed to be done and have a plan that he wanted to go somewhere, you know, at a certain time. And he may not express to me that he wanted to leave to do something at a certain time. But if I wasn't very aware of his time frame, you know, that he wasn't expressing, I would be irresponsible and didn't know how to manage my time. And I would become, you know, that would become a frustration for him, even though he hadn't communicated.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, Anna, that was before you married, and getting drunk sometimes was before you were married. You still took a leap. See, I'm always quite curious as to why so many women are typically loathe to cut things off during the engagement dating time as opposed to just sort of sliding downhill on ice. When you see things and you're experiencing them and to take that risk with your life, is it embarrassment that you may have picked the wrong guy? Is it embarrassment? Is it worrisome that you won't find another guy? What do you think?

[Anna]

Some of it was definitely embarrassment. I had gotten to the point where I had a lot of people that were telling me that I had waited too long in life to get married and that I was going to have to find somebody that was, you know, willing to take somebody a little bit older. I. I can't have children. And that was a, a concern for some men, which is okay. And that's never really been a, a concern, I guess, for me. Like, it's something that I had accepted and, and am okay with, but I think they're both of those things. I think there was, was a level of embarrassment and also not necessarily a concern of not finding somebody else, but that those were things that I was going to have to deal with. There was a lot of shame on his part too, of, you know, your career is more important to you than, you know, starting a family or finding a husband. And, you know, you have other issues.

[Dr. Laura]

Basically you went forward because you thought you couldn't get another man to want you. You just said that wasn't true. But you talked about not making babies.

[Anna]

Correct.

[Dr. Laura]

And it may be something that you think you've dealt with, but I don't think a woman ever totally lets that go because it's Part of, sort of the definition of female.

[Anna]

Sure.

[Dr. Laura]

So when you don't feel you're the hottest commodity, you tend to settle a bit and figure you'll try to work with it.

[Anna]

True. Very true.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so you. Have you left him?

[Anna]

We currently are separated.

[Dr. Laura]

Did he get violent? Did he get violent?

[Anna]

We had several episodes of pretty significant violence to the point of. I. Okay, I guess.

[Dr. Laura]

Anna, if I were your daughter. Just think for a minute. I am your daughter. And I come to you and tell you about this man I married. And I tell you all the things that you're telling me. What would you say if I were your daughter?

[Anna]

Run and never look back. The only reason that feels much harder to do yourself.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, because then you have to judge yourself as a failure. And you have to judge the time you wasted, and you have to judge the things you did stupidly. So to avoid judging yourself, you walk backwards.

[Anna]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And then you call me 40 years later, telling me, but I loved him. Like we had in our first call.

[Anna]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

Second call. Sorry. First call. Intimated I said really bad things. No. So. Anna, the things that are not easy to do are. Because they have a bigger price. And if you're not willing to pay the price, one day he could kill you.

[Anna]

Yes. In it.

[Dr. Laura]

No, don't talk. Don't talk. No, don't talk.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Just sit with that. It's not funny.

[Anna]

It's my nervous laugh. Sorry.

[Dr. Laura]

It's not funny.

[Anna]

It's. It's not.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I'm not laughing. You're at a turning point now. You can either do what is sane, reasonable, and very difficult and uncomfortable and maybe embarrassing, although I don't get that part. Or one day you could be dead at his hands because if you go back, then he knows how weak you are and how needy you are of staying connected to a bastard. Once he knows that, he will escalate because he knows he can get away with it because you're too scared and weak to leave. So once a woman tolerates this, it never gets better. It empowers his meanness. None of this is funny.

[Anna]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Laura]

What are you thinking right now?

[Anna]

I think that was the. The clarity that I was needing of, you know, why I'm. I guess shame or the guilt or. Or what the. I've been really struggling to understand why I have. Have not been able to just make the decision, you know, to go. I have been very independent my whole life and, you know, was just really struggling.

[Dr. Laura]

It's like we're not afraid of water till we get in the water. It's it's just silly thing to say. I've been independent.

[Anna]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

You. You don't give yourself a 10 out of 10. And you don't want to have to judge yourself.

[Anna]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

Good God, woman. That's not a really good reason to tolerate abuse.

[Anna]

It's not. It's a terrible.

[Dr. Laura]

So this is a turning moment in your life, and you hang up this phone, you've made the decision you want to leave, but you don't want to let go, lest it just become better and you don't have to deal with all the things that come from a divorce.

[Anna]

And he's not going to get better.

[Dr. Laura]

Is that a question?

[Anna]

Nope. It's a statement. It's absolutely a statement.

[Dr. Laura]

No, it gets worse as you look weak.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

I explained that to you. The weaker you look, the more aggressive he will become.

[Anna]

Absolutely.

[Dr. Laura]

And staying with him shows paramount weakness.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay.

[Anna]

Thank you. That was. This is. That was the answer I was needing. Not maybe not wanting, but needing definitely.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, I think if you think about this two minutes, it. You wanted it.

[Anna]

Mm. Yes.

[Dr. Laura]

And I appreciate your call. My number, 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me to. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura and instagram.com drlaura program@rxbar. They believe in simple nutrition without the BS. That's why they said no to artificial ingredients and yes to deliver intentional transparent nutrition. Try their original 12 gram protein bar, the nut butter and oat bar, or minis. RXBar, the proud sponsor of no BS. Use code RXBar on RXBar.com for 25% off, subject to full terms and conditions and to change. Valid until September 30, 2025, and may not be combined with other offers. See rxbar.com for full detail. Limitations.