Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:12)

Wait a minute, you started out by saying it was a surprise. Obviously not.

Caller Chris (3:18)

Well, he didn't. He because I glossed over it. He pretty much thought, oh, it wasn't a big deal, that the Minute that I felt that it became inappropriate, I cut it off. He didn't know that for two and a half years I had become infatuated with this person. It was pretty much one sided.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (3:43)

Who ended was one sided. Two and a half years of interacting takes two people.

Caller Chris (3:50)

Well, in my mind it was something more than what it actually was. He was a very outgoing, friendly person. He was a musician, very charismatic person.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:04)

Well, where and when and how were you connecting with him?

Caller Chris (4:10)

So we have a restaurant, we had live music, and this is how we met him. He used to play in our shop. And so I was just kind of taken with him as he was very talented, very charismatic. And so anytime that he would come and perform, I was just enthralled. And my husband didn't realize this, he just thought, oh, we're all friends and this and that. But in my mind it went to a completely wrong place to the point where I just was infatuated with him now.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (4:55)

And what end? What ended it? Two and a half. What ended it?

Caller Chris (5:00)

I couldn't do it anymore emotionally. I. It was going to be a dead end road, you know, he was married with kids and I married. And here I am supposed to be a Christian and I'm leading this double life in my mind and I just said, you know what, I can't do this anymore. So I had a mutual friend call him up and read this pretty much letter that I had wrote expressing what had happened about the feelings that I had developed and that I would no longer be able to have any contact with him whatsoever.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (5:40)

Fair enough. So she done with integrity. So what was missing out of your marriage at this time?

Caller Chris (5:47)

It was pretty rocky at the time. My husband, he's got kind of a temper, so we don't communicate very well. Things kind of flare up all of a sudden and it just, I felt angry at him. So at the time I felt justified, like, well, he's.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (6:12)

After the two and a half years, was your husband still an angry type of guy or what ensued?

Caller Chris (6:22)

It's. I mean, it got better, but he still has that tendency. But I decided that, you know, this is the man that I married and that I committed to.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (6:34)

No, I'm not asking about your commitment. I get that. I'm asking if you're happy in your marriage now.

Caller Chris (6:44)

I am. I'm a whole lot happier than I was.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (6:47)

Okay, how did you get a whole lot happier? What changed?

Caller Chris (6:54)

Well, during the time of the issue with the other man, I was in my early 30s and kind of think I was also going through that, oh, well, I don't feel in love with my husband anymore. But I feel these feelings for this man. And I've come to the point where I know that that's bunk. Because love is not a feeling. It's a commitment that we make.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (7:24)

Okay, are you willing to hold on through the top of the hour so we can complete our call? Sure. Thank you. I'm putting you on hold. A lot of interesting concepts that are going to come out of this. She's very insightful and impressed.

Shopify Advertiser (7:44)

You didn't start a business just to keep the lights on. You're here to sell more today than yesterday. You're here to win. Lucky for you, Shopify built the best converting checkout on the planet. Like the just one tapping ridiculously fast acting sky high sales stacking champion at checkouts. That's the good stuff right there. So if your business is in it to win it, win with Shopify. Start your free trial today@shopify.com win early

Commercial Narrator (8:13)

birds always rise to the occasion for summer vacation planning because early gets you closer to the action. So don't be late. Book your next vacation early on VRBO and save over $120. Rise and shine. Average savings $141. Select homes only.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (8:28)

We gather here tonight to bring women back to their rightful place.

Commercial Narrator (8:33)

The Testaments, a new Hulu original series from the executive producers of the Handmaid's Tale. It's easier to accept a story than believe that the people around you are monsters. The battle isn't over. There comes a time when you have to take action, when you have to choose your own destiny. Never quite as it seems. Watch the new Hulu original series, the Testaments. Streaming on Hulu and Hulu on Disney for bundle subscribers terms apply.

TurboTax Advertiser (8:59)

Taxes was feeling unwelcome. Now Texas is an open door, literally, to new TurboTax stores. Meet our experts in person.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (9:11)

Hi, welcome in.

TurboTax Advertiser (9:13)

They're powered by SmartTek and ready to do your taxes for you. Get real time updates while you go about your day. Confident your taxes are done. Right now, this is taxes intuit. TurboTax TurboTax store is opening soon. Real time updates only in iOS mobile app.

Commercial Narrator (9:29)

There's nothing like your first Mac. Here's what people online are sharing. Drrane says everything is just so smooth and fast. I still can't get over it. Syncing stuff between my phone and this is just chef's kiss. Rincredible488 says Apple Silicon basically cures low battery trauma. That's how they felt with their first Mac how will you Introducing the all new MacBook Neo, an amazing Mac at a surprising price. Find out more on apple.comMac.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:03)

Chris, thank you for waiting through the top of the hour break. I appreciate it.

Caller Chris (10:07)

Sure.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (10:09)

So you were saying something very important, that this affair 12 and a half years ago was when you were in your 30s and you were saying something about the maturity of that and your sense of acceptance of your husband. Clarify that some more. I thought that was really important.

Caller Chris (10:30)

Well, I think when the woman is in her 30s and she's been married about eight years or so, the feelings kind of wear off. There's. You don't have those butterflies anymore and you start to think maybe, oh, I'm not in love. And if somebody comes along and gives you those butterflies, you think that you maybe don't love your husband anymore. But it's the silliest thing ever because of course the butterflies wear off and of course it's not the same. It's got to be deeper than that. It's supposed to be a commitment whether you feel it or not. But I think we as women are very emotion driven and so we make a lot of stupid mistakes because of that.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (11:21)

Okay, all right, so tell me again about his finding out about this. Tell me the circumstance and the conversation you had.

Caller Chris (11:33)

So he'd been like watching videos and reading Reddit stories about people who cheat, full out affairs and also emotional affairs. And he kept like probing me and he was brought back to his remembrance. The thing that happened 12 and a half years ago where I said that it became inappropriate with our mutual friend and that I cut it off. And he said, you know, you never really were very clear with me about what that was. And I don't think you were probably very honest.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:16)

So did you, what did you do to respond to that? Were you clear and honest?

Caller Chris (12:24)

Not at first, because the reason why I didn't want to tell him in the first place was because I knew he'd be very upset and very angry, but he clearly was not going to let it go. So I had to go into the detail of the span of time that it was and the amount of infatuation that it was and well, this was not an affair. No, it.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (12:55)

And like of any level, emotional or physical. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Please wait. This was not an affair. You keep calling it an affair. This was fantasy in your head for two and a half years of being infatuated with a guy who was not tuned into that with you at all. So that's not an affair.

Caller Chris (13:16)

Okay.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:17)

No, that's an infatuation. That's not an emotional affair. Affair takes two. You were by yourself on this one, so let's all stop talking about it as an affair. And if you guys were in therapy with me, that's the first thing I would have said. This was not an affair. This was a fantasy for two and a half years.

Caller Chris (13:44)

Does that make it any less hurtful toward him, though? No, that would be not.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (13:50)

Wait a minute. If at the moment he found out about it. No, it wouldn't make it any less hurtful. It was just hurtful that you were thinking of somebody else and not him. However, you said this marriage has improved. I forget the word you said, but it was a big word. Fabulously it really. So I'm concerned about how happy he is and how prone he is to an affair with all of his focus on that. I've often found that people are accusing the other person when they're really talking about themselves. So I don't exactly know what he's thinking and what he's done. But this is not an affair. Twelve and a half years ago, you were not very happy with the marriage because he was angry a lot of the time and the feelings, therefore you didn't feel safe. A woman who feels safe with her man is not going to be anything but sweet. But a man who is angry eliminates the feelings of safety in a woman. And that's one of the primal things women need from a man. He's going to protect.

Caller Chris (15:01)

Yeah.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:03)

So if he's angry with you. Angry, angry is scary stuff. So I just want to eliminate the word affair. So where are we now? You clarified to him in your way. So where are we now?

Caller Chris (15:18)

Well, he's pretty much cold shouldering me and doesn't want to talk to me and just this look of disgust every time he looks at me. And I don't blame him. I had told him that if the tables were turned, I don't know that I would be able to be understanding at all. So I don't blame him for the way.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:43)

Okay, I do. I do. And I'm suspicious of him,

Caller Chris (15:49)

okay?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger (15:51)

I'm suspicious of him. And I would say that if I have the two of you, I mean, I can give you a copy of this tape if you want to play it for him afterwards. But I'm suspicious at his motives for him to give you the cold shoulder and be disgusted with you 12 and a half years ago when there was no affair, just you being infatuated because your man was mean and you were scared and didn't feel safe with him, then he's a bigger jerk than I thought because he should have taken that information and said, ah shit, you're right, I didn't make you feel safe, so you went into fantasy land instead. He's using this to double up and blame you for something. So he if he hasn't had an actual affair, I worry that he's revving up for one, using this as justification. Because remember you told me before the hour break how his being mean was justification for you to go into the fantasy world? Well, it goes both ways, dear. Yeah, so I'm going to put you on hold. We'll give if you wish to get a copy of this, we'll give it to you and you can play it for him. And if he wants to continue being a jerk, so be it. 1-800-375-2872 if you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

Commercial Narrator (17:31)

Look, if you've got prescriptions, the Walmart app is your place to manage them, transfer your scripts, refill them and have them delivered straight to you. Migraines managed allergies alleviated dermatology Derma delivered Ding dong. Is that your pizza? Nope. Walmart Pharmacy delivery with a refill. Switch to Walmart and manage your prescriptions in the app. The Walmart you thought you knew is now new delivery. Not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply. How do you cash back with Chase Freedom Unlimited? Four decks of cards, three pairs of dice and two very different friend groups. Cash back on game night, earn 3% cash back at drugstores with Chase Freedom Unlimited. Restrictions and limitations apply. Cards are issued by J.P. morgan, Chase Bank, N.A. member FDIC.