I Miss My Surrogate Mom

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: I Miss My Surrogate Mom
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: September 11, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger takes a call from Beth, who is grappling with grief after losing not only her father-in-law but also her close relationship with her stepmother-in-law. Beth describes her surrogate mom as a pivotal figure in her life, especially since her own relationship with her biological mother was troubled. The conversation explores themes of acceptance, the illusion of closure, the emotional role of surrogate relationships, and the realities of aging and fear. Dr. Laura offers her signature incisive, practical advice infused with compassion and directness.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Concept of Closure and Acceptance

• Beth’s Struggle: Beth initially seeks “closure” regarding the end of her relationship with her stepmother-in-law following the father-in-law’s death. She defines closure as being able to “let it go, be at peace, and accept what is” (01:41).
• Dr. Laura’s Philosophy: Dr. Laura challenges the notion of closure:

  “Let’s not use the word closure because I don’t believe in it because closure is final…We review, things come up. Acceptance means you’re not fighting it anymore, right?” (02:07)
  She reframes Beth’s struggle as an issue of acceptance, not closure, and pushes her to explicitly state what needs to be accepted.

2. The Emotional Need for a ‘Mom’

• Root of the Pain: Dr. Laura identifies Beth’s deeper emotional wound:

  “Well, that’s why you can’t have closure, because you needed a mom.” (03:15)

• Beth’s Agreement: Beth confirms that her surrogate mother filled a longstanding void left by a difficult relationship with her own mother.

3. The Role of Money and Practical Changes in Relationships

• Trigger for Estrangement: When prompted by Dr. Laura to summarize why the relationship ended, Beth admits it was about dissatisfaction with “the way the trust was set up” after her father-in-law died (03:48–03:54).
• Dr. Laura’s Interpretation:

  “You needed her for a mommy. She resigned over money.” (03:58)
  Dr. Laura helps Beth see the painful pragmatism often underlying these relationship fractures.

4. Reframing the Surrogate Mom Relationship

• Ownership of the Narrative: Dr. Laura makes a nuanced point:

  “You took her on in your emotional heart as a surrogate mother. That’s not who she was though, right?... You labeled it that and embraced it because you needed it, wanted it and enjoyed it.” (07:39–07:55) Beth admits she projected her needs onto the relationship.

5. The Realities of Aging, Fear, and Security

• Dr. Laura explains the stepmother-in-law’s motivations not as a rejection of Beth personally, but as an older woman seeking security after her husband’s death:

  “She’s an old lady who is now alone, and she’s scared. And the money is her security in her head. The relationship with you is not the security in her head. The money is.” (09:02–09:27)

6. Accepting Circumstances and Moving Forward

• Letting Go: Dr. Laura gently but firmly repeats the realities:

  “Can you change that she’s an old lady? No…Can you stop her from being scared that she’s next to be dead? No.” (10:22–10:45)

• Closure for Beth: Beth expresses gratitude for the clarity Dr. Laura provides and acknowledges the importance of moving on:

  “Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. Okay. I have a wonderful life and a wonderful husband, thanks to Dr. Laura and your program. And I’m so grateful.” (10:51)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Closure:
  Dr. Laura: “Let’s not use the word closure because I don’t believe in it, because closure is final… Acceptance means you’re not fighting it anymore, right?” (02:07)
• On Emotional Needs:
  Dr. Laura: “That’s why you can’t have closure, because you needed a mom.” (03:15)
• On the Relationship Shift:
  Dr. Laura: “She changed when her husband died. In one sentence…the trust.” (03:43–03:54)
• On Surrogate Roles:
  Dr. Laura: “You labeled it that and embraced it because you needed it, wanted it and enjoyed it.” (07:55)
• On Aging and Security:
  Dr. Laura: “She’s an old lady who is now alone, and she’s scared. And the money is her security in her head.” (09:02)
• On Moving Forward:
  Dr. Laura: “Can you change that she’s an old lady? No… What is it you wanted to do? Something else besides that list?” (10:22–10:45)

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Detailed Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:30 – Beth explains her struggle with “closure”
• 02:07 – Dr. Laura reframes the discussion from closure to acceptance
• 02:39 – Beth reveals the stepmother-in-law cut her off after 22 years
• 03:15 – Dr. Laura pinpoints Beth’s need for a maternal figure
• 03:56 – The fallout is clarified as stemming from issues over money/trust
• 07:12 – Dr. Laura emphasizes the value of having had “20 good years”
• 07:39–08:10 – Dr. Laura dissects Beth’s projection of the “surrogate mom” role
• 09:02–09:27 – The psychology of aging and security is explored
• 10:22–10:45 – Dr. Laura runs through the list of life circumstances Beth cannot change
• 10:51–11:08 – Beth thanks Dr. Laura and expresses her gratitude, emotional closure

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Final Thoughts

This episode offers an unflinching look at how the loss of both real and surrogate parental figures can open old wounds, and how practical realities like money can complicate even the closest bonds. Dr. Laura’s direct, empathetic style pushes the caller—and listeners—to reassess their narratives, accept circumstances they cannot change, and focus on gratitude for what was, not what is lost. It’s an episode for anyone mourning a relationship’s end, especially when “closure” seems impossible.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

Yeah, thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're welcome.

[Caller]

I'm struggling with getting closure. My. My father in law died.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Define closure.

[Caller]

Okay, define closure for you. What it means for me, closure means that I can let it go, that I can be at peace with it, that I can just move on and accept, you know, what is.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, let's not use the word closure because I don't believe in it because closure is final. Think about it. When you have closure, it's closed, it's final. And when we don't function like that, we review, things come up. So acceptance means you're not fighting it anymore, right?

[Caller]

Okay. Acceptance. You're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What is it in one or two sentences that you have to accept that you're not going to fight anymore?

[Caller]

Okay. I have to accept that my mother in law, I mean my stepmother in law, doesn't want to have a relationship with me anymore and that she won't speak to me anymore. And after loving her for 22 years when she was married to my father in law and, and, and giving and being compassionate and just having a wonderful relationship and having a mentor, she kind of was like my mom. I mean, well, I didn't have a good relationship with my mom, so she was better than my mom. And I was really, really close to her.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, that's why you can't have closure, because you needed a mom.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So you're never going to be okay with that.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And the number one reason she shut it down after her husband died.

[Caller]

Well, okay, they had a little bit of money. Not. I mean, I don't want you to.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Describe things like this and go on and on. I want you to stay focused.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She changed when her husband died. In one sentence.

[Caller]

She changed in one sentence. She didn't like the way the trust was set up.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

That's it. It's money. That's it.

[Caller]

Yeah, I know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, stop for a second. You needed her for a mommy. She resigned over money.

[Caller]

Yes. Yes. Yes, she did. Wow, you're so right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So that's two women down. Your mom and her.

[Caller]

That's a lot, right? Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yes. That's why you're upset.

[Caller]

Wow. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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[Caller]

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

But you had 20 good years of having a right mom, right? Don't sniff your nose at that. It's just that. Nothing else forever, right?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

We don't last forever.

[Caller]

No, no, no, no. And I'm grateful for that part. I just.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Then that's.

[Caller]

I don't know, closure. I need to re.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And that's your. No.

[Caller]

Leave her alone. Let her go.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Leave her alone. She's not. You took her on in your emotional heart as a surrogate mother. That's not who she was though, right?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You labeled it that and embraced it because you needed it, wanted it and enjoyed it.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She didn't stop being your surrogate mom. She stopped being your step. Whatever.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

In her mind and heart, she wasn't being your surrogate mom. That was you.

[Caller]

No. No. Right. And. And I think I put that. I think I put that on her. Yeah. And. And I mean, I didn't. I didn't do it like. But I think I did it subconsciously sometimes too. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You know, it doesn't matter. It was nice.

[Caller]

It was.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You don't have to parse it like an English class.

[Caller]

It's nice.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It was nice.

[Caller]

Come on. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. It was very nice. And yeah, it just over overnight. And. And you're right. It's the money. And. And, and. And he was taking good care of her. The trust was taking good care of her, but she didn't want to. She wanted more control and she just said, I'm not going to do it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She's an old lady who is now alone and she's scared. And the money is her security in her head. The relationship with you is. The relationship with you is not the security in her head. The money Is. That's how her brain is working, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Even though we gave her whatever she asked for and more, none of anything.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You'Re going to say doesn't matter.

[Caller]

Okay. Yeah. No, no, you're right.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

She's an old lady. Her husband's dead. That's her security. That's it doesn't matter what you used to do, what you do, what you said you would do. She's scared, and that's where her head is. That's as they say in the 60s, the 1960s, that is. That's where her head's at, baby.

[Caller]

Yes. Yes. Okay. You're right. Okay. I'll leave her alone.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thank you.

[Caller]

I've done her. Yeah. And? And nothing I can say or do would change anything anyway.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Let me go through this again. Can you change that she's an old lady? No. Can you change that her husband's dead? No. Can you change that she's not going to get another guy to support her financially? No. Can you stop her from being scared that she's next to be dead? No. I'm sorry. What is it you wanted to do? Something else besides that list?

[Caller]

Thank you. This is what I needed to hear. Okay. Okay. I have a wonderful life and a wonderful husband, thanks to Dr. Laura and your program. And I'm so grateful. Good.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

All right. Take care.

[Caller]

Blood. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

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