I'm the Kind of Parent I Wish I Had

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I'm the Kind of Parent I Wish I Had"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Episode: I'm the Kind of Parent I Wish I Had
• Release Date: April 22, 2025
• Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Overview

In the April 22, 2025 episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," Dr. Laura Schlessinger engages in a profound and heartfelt conversation with Hannah, a listener grappling with estrangement from her parents. The episode delves deep into themes of family dysfunction, personal responsibility, guilt, and the challenges of breaking generational cycles to become the parent one aspires to be.

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Hannah's Background: Estrangement and Family Dysfunction

Hannah initiates the conversation by seeking Dr. Laura’s perspective on the obligations adult children owe their estranged parents. She provides a backdrop of her strained relationship:

• Estrangement Duration: "My parents and I have been estranged for the past five years, kind of on and off and basically before that."

• Childhood Challenges: Hannah recounts a tumultuous childhood marked by her father's volatile behavior. She describes her father as "a very angry dad" who was prone to emotional abuse, often criticizing her harshly despite her efforts to be a responsible child.

  Hannah [02:58]: "He would yell a lot about, put away your shoes, unload the dishwasher... I was 10 years old and trying to change diapers and feed him. And he would yell at me for making my brother cry."

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Dr. Laura's Examination of the Dysfunction

Dr. Laura seeks clarity on the term "dysfunction," urging Hannah to move away from psychological jargon to concrete examples:

• Seeking Specifics Over Labels:

  Dr. Laura [02:58]: "Can we do this without psychobabble and can we do this and just say he kicked the dog? ... I'd like to know specifically not what somebody else labels it."

Hannah complies by detailing her father's critical nature and the undue responsibilities placed upon her at a young age, such as caring for her younger brother.

• Impact of Parental Struggles:

  Hannah [04:56]: "He was 40 years old and my mom was in her late 30s when he was born and just could not handle taking care of a newborn at that age."

This revelation underscores the generational challenges Hannah faced, noting her father's inability to cope with his responsibilities despite having a family history of similar struggles.

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Discussion of Obligations and Guilt

The core of the conversation revolves around Hannah's sense of obligation and the accompanying guilt stemming from her estrangement.

• Obligations Defined: Dr. Laura succinctly outlines the fundamental responsibilities Hannah has towards her parents:

  Dr. Laura [10:04]: "You owe them to make sure they have a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their tummy, and medicine if they need it. Those are your obligations."

• Guilt vs. Loss: Hannah expresses feelings of guilt, which Dr. Laura recontextualizes as loss and the deep emotional hurt of not having her parents present in her life.

  Dr. Laura [10:48]: "You're struggling with loss. You don't have a mommy and a daddy... It hurts your heart not to have mommy and Daddy."

Dr. Laura emphasizes that Hannah's feelings are not guilt per se but rather the profound sense of loss and longing for parental figures.

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Hannah's Transition to Motherhood

Hannah shares her journey into motherhood and her determination to break free from the dysfunctional patterns she experienced.

• Protective Instincts as a Parent:

  Hannah [11:53]: "I have a baby now, so I'm learning... we've made the decision. I just don't want him to be a part of that dysfunction that I grew up with."

Her commitment to providing a nurturing and stable environment for her child reflects her desire to be the kind of parent she never had, ensuring her child does not endure similar hardships.

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Dr. Laura's Final Advice

Concluding the discussion, Dr. Laura offers Hannah practical and emotionally resonant advice:

• Encouragement and Affirmation:

  Dr. Laura [12:18]: "That's the kind of decision a mature woman, dash wife, dash mother needs to make to protect her children. Not as vengeance, but as protection."

• Embracing a New Role:

  Dr. Laura [12:52]: "It's a hole in your heart that you'll always have, but at least you have a kid, so your child helps you fulfill the mother, child, father, child the second time around... you can create the beautiful atmosphere so your kid doesn't call me in 18 years."

Dr. Laura reinforces the importance of Hannah's choices, highlighting that while the pain of estrangement may linger, her role as a mother empowers her to build a healthier, more loving family dynamic for the next generation.

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Conclusion

This episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day" offers a candid exploration of familial obligations, the emotional complexities of estrangement, and the transformative journey of motherhood. Through Hannah's vulnerability and Dr. Laura's straightforward guidance, listeners gain insights into navigating strained parent-child relationships and the courage required to forge a new path for themselves and their children.

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Notable Quotes:

• Hannah [02:58]: "He would yell a lot about, put away your shoes, unload the dishwasher... I was 10 years old and trying to change diapers and feed him. And he would yell at me for making my brother cry."

• Dr. Laura [10:04]: "You owe them to make sure they have a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their tummy, and medicine if they need it. Those are your obligations."

• Dr. Laura [10:48]: "You're struggling with loss. You don't have a mommy and a daddy... It hurts your heart not to have mommy and Daddy."

• Dr. Laura [12:18]: "That's the kind of decision a mature woman, dash wife, dash mother needs to make to protect her children. Not as vengeance, but as protection."

• Dr. Laura [12:52]: "It's a hole in your heart that you'll always have, but at least you have a kid, so your child helps you fulfill the mother, child, father, child the second time around... you can create the beautiful atmosphere so your kid doesn't call me in 18 years."

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For more insightful discussions and advice, tune into "Dr. Laura Call of the Day" on SiriusXM Triumph 111.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Hannah]

Hi Dr. Laura. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm really excited to be speaking with you today.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. What can I help with?

[Hannah]

This call will be recorded. So what I'm calling about is I was hoping to get your opinion on what we owe our parents as adult children. Just to give you a little bit of background. My parents and I have been estranged for the past five years, kind of on and off and basically before that.

[Dr. Laura]

Are married before that. Before that you're estranged for five years. But before the five years of estrangement, what was it?

[Hannah]

We had a very tumultuous relationship because of the dysfunction in my parents relationship and it this started in my early childhood because of this, the dysfunction in their relationship, it affected me and so I've always been. I don't know of all of their.

[Dr. Laura]

Dysfunction is kind of vague. Can you tell me what it is you observed?

[Hannah]

Sure. So my dad is very codependent with my mom.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh my. Can we do this without psychobabble and can we do this and just say he kicked the dog? You know, I'd like to know specifically not what somebody else labels it.

[Hannah]

Yeah, absolutely. So as a little girl he was just a very angry dad. He had a temper. He would often pick fights with me. He would. I want to Say, emotional abuse. But what I mean by that is just be super critical of me, super hard on me, even though I never really did anything to deserve, like, the level that he would escalate it to. You know, I always did my homework, I went to school, you know, was just like a normal kid. But I think because of the frustrations.

[Dr. Laura]

What kinds of things? What kinds of things would he yell about? What kinds of things would he yell about? You've been in therapy, I can tell, but just talk to me as though you have not ever. Okay.

[Hannah]

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. So he would just yell a lot about, put away your shoes, unload the dishwasher. When my brother was born, when I was 10 years old, he would yell at me because he would want help, like, taking care of my brother. So, like, I was 10 years old and trying to, like, change diapers and, like, feed him. And of course I wasn't doing it correctly. And so he would cry, and so he would yell at me for making my brother cry, causing stress in the house. Because at the time, my dad was responsible for taking care of my brother, like when. When I got home from school until he went to bed. Because my mom worked at home in a basement, in our basement, in an office, like at night. So when I was home from school, I was also expected to help with my brother in taking care of him. And I never did it the way that my dad wanted me to. So he would yell at me about that. About the dishwasher. Just about.

[Dr. Laura]

So dad did not have a job. Hello. So dad did not have a job.

[Hannah]

He did have a job. So he would. They would basically switch. So he would get home around 4 or 5 o'clock and then my mom would go to work. So he would work full time during the day and then he would take over when he got home from work. And they had my brother a little bit later in life. And like I said, him and I are 10 years apart, so he was. And it's not an excuse, but he was 40 years old and my mom was in her late 30s when he was born and just could not handle taking care of a newborn at that age. For them.

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[Hannah]

Emma has a test tomorrow.

[Dr. Laura]

Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds. Managing the house while mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now Walmart pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door. Wait, what?

[Hannah]

Really?

[Dr. Laura]

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[Hannah]

Thanks, dad.

[Dr. Laura]

When does mom come back?

[Unknown]

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Hannah]

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[Dr. Laura]

Okay, and at what age did you leave the home to go to school or run away from home or whatever?

[Hannah]

When I was 18, I went away to college and then came home and then went to a community college after a semester away. And that caused a lot of problems because my dad and I were constantly fighting and. About what he would just.

[Dr. Laura]

Fighting about what? Fighting about what he was.

[Hannah]

I think he. He would just be very critical of me. Kind of like what I was saying before being like, you're not going to. You're not going to be anything. You're not going to make it if you do this and that. But I think it's. And again, I'm talking in therapy terms, but I think it's because, you know, he dropped out of high school and made a lot of mistakes, and so he was afraid that I was going to do the same thing. But my life trajectory up to that point had not even closely mirrored his. Like, I graduated from high school, I was going to college, I was working three jobs, and I was living at home. But, you know, I was still being productive while also going to school. But that's just kind of the overall theme of my life is he's always been hard on me because you haven't mentioned.

[Dr. Laura]

Your mother once said she had any input into your life at all. You haven't mentioned. It seems very dad oriented.

[Hannah]

Oh, yeah, we'll get to her.

[Dr. Laura]

Oh, no. Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. So we originally you suggest. What are we going to talk about that you haven't talked about in therapy?

[Hannah]

I'm more just giving you background so that I can kind of explain.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I mean for the whole call. No, I mean the subject matter you called with. What are we going to talk about that you have not talked about in therapy?

[Hannah]

Oh, I talked about all this in therapy. I know why they acted the way that they did.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm asking you. You just made a call to me. What is it you want to talk about to me that you have not talked about in therapy?

[Hannah]

Gotcha. Yes, that makes sense. So what my question is to you is at this point, what do I. What do I owe my parents as an adult child? Because I'm estranged from them, not because of the things that have happened in the past.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, so you have not talked about estrangement or obligations in the therapy.

[Hannah]

I have, but, like, I kind of had, like, a shitty experience with therapy. Nobody straightforward like you or, like, actually give, like, concrete advice. So I basically just like. They're just like, oh, that's really hard. I've gone to a lot of different therapy.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, I'll answer your question without hearing any more background. You owe them to make sure they have a roof over their head, clothes on their back, food in their tummy, and medicine if they need it. Those are your obligations.

[Hannah]

Mm.

[Dr. Laura]

That's it?

[Hannah]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think I struggle with guilt because of the estrangement.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, no, no, no. You're not struggling with guilt. You're struggling with loss. You don't have a mommy and a daddy.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So part of you.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I don't wants that. That's right. And we don't. We don't easily give up wanting that. So it's not. Guilt has nothing to do with guilt. It has to do with. It hurts your heart not to have mommy and Daddy.

[Hannah]

Yeah. I, I. Well, I guess I feel like it's guilt because I don't want.

[Dr. Laura]

I, I don't want to hear your excuse. I'm. You called a therapist to help you because you think it's guilt doesn't make it guilt.

[Hannah]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

It's called need, desire.

[Hannah]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Loss, hurt. Fantasies of a mommy and a daddy you could turn to.

[Hannah]

Mm. Yep. Yep. And I have a baby now, so I'm learning. Well, I kind of had an idea of what it meant to be a parent because I took care of my brother a lot. But now with my own child, you know, we've made the decision. I just don't want him to be a part of that dysfunction that I grew up with, because I.

[Dr. Laura]

That's fine. That's the kind of decision a mature woman, dash wife, dash mother needs to make to protect her children. Not as vengeance, but as protection.

[Hannah]

Yeah. And really, why the.

[Dr. Laura]

Did I. Did I adequately answer your question?

[Hannah]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I really. I. I love how traditional you are and straightforward, and so I just wanted to hear about it from somebody, hear somebody's opinion that I respected.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, it's. It's a hole in your heart that you'll always have, but at least you have a kid, so your child helps you fulfill the mother, child, father, child the second time around. Except you're the parent. This time, you're not the kid, you're the parent. And now you can create the beautiful atmosphere so your kid doesn't call me in 18 years. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Unknown]

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