I'm Worried About My Daughter's Choice in Boyfriend

Summary

Podcast Summary: "I'm Worried About My Daughter's Choice in Boyfriend"

Episode Title: I'm Worried About My Daughter's Choice in Boyfriend
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Release Date: April 11, 2025
Platform: SiriusXM Triumph 111

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a heartfelt concern from a caller about her daughter's tumultuous romantic relationship. The discussion delves deep into parental responsibilities, enabling behaviors, and the complexities of adult relationships, especially when previous patterns of dysfunction are present.

The Caller's Dilemma

At 1:17, a distressed mother reaches out to Dr. Laura, expressing her worries about her 29-year-old daughter's rekindled relationship with a former man who had previously stolen money from her. The mother outlines the measures they've taken to help their daughter, including financial support and enforcing tough love strategies. Despite their efforts, the daughter remains entangled in the relationship, prompting the mother's desperation and confusion.

Caller Excerpt:

"We helped her get the money back, doesn't have a car but has a very gregarious personality and wooed her back and supposedly it's in counseling to help with his drinking."
— Caller (1:23-1:40)

Dr. Laura's Analysis

Dr. Laura swiftly identifies the core issues contributing to the daughter's predicament. She highlights the mother's over-involvement and enabling behaviors, which inadvertently reinforce the daughter's dependency on her problematic boyfriend.

Key Points:

• Over-Involvement: Dr. Laura emphasizes that the mother's excessive control, such as cutting off the daughter's phone and withdrawing financial support, may exacerbate the situation rather than resolve it. She suggests that such actions can make the daughter feel infantilized, leading her to seek comfort and security elsewhere.

  "Mother is way too involved. You were feeding her money."
  — Dr. Laura (5:13-5:34)

• Psychological Dependency: By controlling aspects of her daughter's life, the mother may have unintentionally created a void that the boyfriend now fills, offering the emotional support the daughter craves.

  "You are controlling parents and the first thing you did was blow up her family. She's got a guy who won't leave her..."
  — Dr. Laura (5:40-6:14)

Addressing Enabling Behaviors

Dr. Laura confronts the caller with the reality that enabling can prevent the daughter from developing the necessary personal responsibility to make healthier choices. She critiques the method of withdrawing support in an attempt to force change, suggesting that it often leads to further rebellion and reliance on unhealthy relationships.

Notable Insight:

"You should have a grown woman. She was a grown woman with her job."
— Dr. Laura (5:34-5:40)

Recommendations and Advice

In her candid and no-nonsense style, Dr. Laura advises the mother to reassess her approach. She underscores the importance of allowing the daughter to experience the consequences of her choices without excessive interference. The underlying message is about fostering personal responsibility and empowerment rather than continued oversight.

Key Advice:

• Limit Control: Dr. Laura recommends that the mother should reduce her controlling behaviors to allow her daughter to navigate her own relationships and life decisions.

  "Shut the hell up more often."
  — Dr. Laura (6:47)

• Understand Emotional Needs: Recognizing that the daughter seeks security and safety in her relationship, Dr. Laura suggests addressing these emotional needs rather than just the surface-level behaviors.

Conclusion

The episode serves as a poignant exploration of the fine line between guidance and control in parental relationships with adult children. Dr. Laura emphasizes the necessity for parents to foster independence and self-reliance, even when faced with painful and challenging situations. By doing so, they can help their children build healthier relationships and lead more fulfilling lives.

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Laura at 4:00:
  "When a woman is aching for her dad and doesn't want to be left because kids are very damaged by a parent walking out on them, which is how they perceive it, this loser dude needs her. He'll never leave."

• Caller at 3:09:
  "Are you married? Yes, I'm married to her dad?"

• Dr. Laura at 6:53:
  "She is going to stay with him. She makes her feel safe. You're demanding and controlling. He makes her feel safe."

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This episode underscores the delicate balance parents must maintain between providing support and allowing their adult children the space to make their own decisions. Dr. Laura's insights offer a pathway for parents to rethink their strategies and promote healthier, more autonomous relationships with their children.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Hi there. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. What can I do for you?

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Well, I listened to your show the other day and it resonated with me. You talked with another woman or mother about their daughter that, that a man truly takes or I believe this is what you said like if there's going to be a change, that the change takes 10 years and my daughter is 29 and why wait 10 years to see if the change is going to actually happen. And I have a 29 year old beautiful daughter, very well educated, self supporting who went back with a jerk who had originally stolen money from her. We helped her get the money back, doesn't have a car but has a very gregarious personality and wooed her back and supposedly it's in counseling to help with his drinking. We don't understand. We have a real rift in our relationship because we did a lot of tough love and had her pay her car back. Cut her phone off, go get your own phone. We were subsidizing over the rent so she could live very nicely. Took all that away and of course she won't blame him. I said this is because of him. We're going to do nothing to subsidize you having a relationship with him. If he's going to ding your phone, get your own phone. Because she'd been on our, on our phone forever and she had lived, she lived out of the country for over five years. So, you know, that was. I don't want to think we were completely enabled and just. It was just a phone. We had all. It was a family phone. But anyway, we actually had a. She had a second job with us where we let her go from that instantly because he was helping her, quote, giving her ideas. He was so important. And I am trying to keep this relationship, but it's very hard. She won't talk. She won't talk. What she's doing or with him cannot explain the why, you know, And I'm not doing well for my only child.

[Dr. Laura]

Are you married? Yes, I'm married to her dad?

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

No, I am not to her dad.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. How old was she when you divorced?

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

How long have I been divorced?

[Dr. Laura]

Yes.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

I've been with my husband now for 15 years. I was divorced prior for 10 years.

[Dr. Laura]

And how old was she when you divorced?

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Probably around eight or nine. And I had. And I had sole custody.

[Dr. Laura]

So she didn't remarried her dad anymore. So she didn't have her dad anymore.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Not very much.

[Dr. Laura]

Listen carefully. Listen carefully. Listen very carefully. When a woman is aching for her dad and doesn't want to be left because kids are very damaged by a parent walking out on them, which is how they perceive it, this loser dude needs her. He'll never leave.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

He needs her.

[Dr. Laura]

You said yes, so he won't leave her. She doesn't even understand that that's why she's attracted to him. He won't leave her. She's secure with him.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

H. Okay, now as I'm writing the notes down, I am listening. But that actually, it actually flipped because it did make. That actually does make sense. And they all run in the same circle of friends. And I think she's worried, breaks up with him again. There goes that circle of friends.

[Dr. Laura]

Also, mother is too involved.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

That could be.

[Dr. Laura]

No, that not could be. Mother is way too involved. You were feeding her money. Yeah, you just told me of all the money you were feeding her.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Yes, we were. We were certainly helping her out.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, you should have a grown woman. She was a grown woman with her job.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Mm.

[Dr. Laura]

So you made her feel like a baby, but with him she feels like the mother. All these things come together. To tell a 30 year old woman you're gonna take her phone away is pretty hilarious. So. Yeah, that's pretty hilarious, woman.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Well, we didn't really tell her that. We just shut it off. Said, go get your own. Wasn't cool. That was actually my husband's. You are controlling parents.

[Dr. Laura]

You are controlling parents. You are controlling parents and the first thing you did was blow up her family. She's got a guy who won't leave her, and she's resentful because she's semi spoiled. So, no, it's not going to be made good anytime soon. It has nothing to do with 10 years and anybody changing. Except you.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

What do I do?

[Dr. Laura]

Shut the hell up more often.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

We kind of figured why she keeps hanging out with him.

[Dr. Laura]

She is going to stay with him. She is going to stay with him. He makes her feel safe. You're demanding and controlling. He makes her feel safe. So if he does stupid things, she'll tolerate that because she doesn't believe for a moment that he will walk out on her.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

We're just very concerned if this turns into something.

[Dr. Laura]

You have a nice day now. I've said we're very concerned. Yes. Get out of her life. That's part of this. Push, pull. Push. Pull. Push. Pull. Come here. Be with us. We're not going to be with you if you're with him. Come here. Be with us. We're not going to be with you if you're with him. Push. Pull. Push. Pull. Push. Pull. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Okay, we've got Katie's project, Dan's bake sale. Emma has a test tomorrow. Uh, sweetie, I'm out of my blood pressure meds.

[Walmart Representative (name not specified)]

Managing the house while mama's gone is not easy. But did you know that now Walmart Pharmacy has prescription delivery straight to your door?

[Dr. Laura]

Wait, what?

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Really?

[Dr. Laura]

Yep.

[Walmart Representative (name not specified)]

Just upload your prescription to the Walmart app and keep doing your thing. Bring your groceries and prescriptions all in one bag and straight to your door.

[Caller (possibly a mother, name not specified)]

Thanks, dad.

[Dr. Laura]

When does mom come back? In 38 hours and 47 minutes.

[Walmart Representative (name not specified)]

Now your pharmacy comes to you. Welcome to your Walmart delivery. Not available for all prescriptions. Exclusions apply.