Insecure Is Not Sexy

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day – "Insecure Is Not Sexy"

Episode Information:

• Title: Insecure Is Not Sexy
• Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
• Author: SiriusXM
• Release Date: January 21, 2025

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Episode Overview

In the episode titled "Insecure Is Not Sexy," Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses a caller, Christina, who is grappling with trust issues within her six-month-long relationship. The conversation delves deep into the detrimental effects of insecurity on romantic relationships and offers no-nonsense advice on how to navigate such challenges. True to her style, Dr. Laura emphasizes personal responsibility, accountability, and the importance of ethical behavior in maintaining healthy relationships.

Main Discussion: Insecure Is Not Sexy

Christina’s Call (00:37 – 06:33)

Christina, a 38-year-old woman in a six-month relationship with her 42-year-old partner, reaches out for advice regarding persistent trust issues. She expresses her appreciation for Dr. Laura’s counsel and seeks guidance on how to handle her partner’s insecurities that are affecting their relationship dynamic.

Dr. Laura’s Analysis (01:18 – 09:56)

Dr. Laura immediately identifies the core problem: the absence of trust undermines the foundation of any relationship. She underscores that "there can be no relationship when two people are on guard because they don't trust" (02:07).

Addressing the specifics:

• Source of Mistrust: Dr. Laura probes whether Christina mistrusts her partner or vice versa. Christina clarifies that it is her partner who harbors insecurities about her past, leading to trust issues.

• Consequences of Insecurity: Dr. Laura categorically advises that such neurotic and insecure behavior is unchangeable and detrimental. She remarks, “You have to understand that that's very direct” (02:07), emphasizing that without trust, the relationship is fundamentally flawed.

• Self-Reflection: Highlighting Christina’s history, Dr. Laura notes, “You are 38. You’ve never had a good relationship. You’ve never been married. So you’re going to hang on to this because you figure it’s your last chance. It’s better than nothing. And no, it’s not” (02:45). She challenges Christina to reconsider holding onto a relationship that may be causing her more harm than good.

• Insecurity and Violence: Dr. Laura draws a connection between insecurity and controlling behaviors, hinting at the potential for escalating issues such as violence. She states, “Violent men start out as insecure men, and they build up, but the insecurity doesn't go away” (07:08).

• Empowerment and Letting Go: Dr. Laura encourages Christina to stop trying to change her partner, asserting, “No, you shouldn’t try as much as you can. That's the point I'm making. It's a ridiculous waste of your life to try as much as you can to make him a healthy man” (09:33). She stresses the importance of holding out for a partner who does not possess neurotic insecurities.

Recommendations and Insights (06:33 – 10:32)

Dr. Laura provides Christina with actionable advice:

1. Stop Trying to Fix Him: She advises Christina to cease all efforts to convince her partner to change, emphasizing that such attempts are futile and detrimental to her well-being.

2. Set Boundaries: When faced with criticism or questioning from her partner, Christina should assertively respond by expressing her disapproval, e.g., “This is the part of you I don’t admire” (08:29).

3. Prioritize Self-Worth: Dr. Laura underscores the importance of valuing one's life and not wasting it on a relationship that lacks trust and is fraught with insecurity.

4. Embrace Empowerment: By ending the relationship, Christina can avoid the emotional turmoil and regain control over her personal happiness and future.

Dr. Laura reinforces her stance by challenging the notion that staying in the relationship is a viable option, stating, “Pain is painful. Yes, believe me, I don't diminish that truth either. Very painful. Almost impossible. But I would miss the good times” (08:29).

Notable Quotes

• On Trust as the Foundation:
  “There can be no relationship when two people are on guard because they don’t trust.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [02:07]

• On the Futility of Changing an Insecure Partner:
  “If he is insecure, it’s not going to get better. Violent men start out as insecure men, and they build up, but the insecurity doesn’t go away.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [07:12]

• On Letting Go for Self-Worth:
  “Don’t try hard anymore. It’s a waste of your life.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [10:05]

• Encouraging Assertiveness:
  “When he starts criticizing you or questioning you, say, you know what? This is the part of you I don’t admire.”
  — Dr. Laura Schlessinger [08:29]

Conclusion

In "Insecure Is Not Sexy," Dr. Laura Schlessinger delivers a poignant message about the importance of trust and self-respect in relationships. By addressing Christina’s situation, she elucidates the irreparable damage that insecurities can inflict on romantic bonds. Her straightforward advice empowers listeners to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns and encourages them to prioritize their well-being over misguided attempts to salvage untenable partnerships. This episode serves as a valuable resource for anyone facing similar challenges, reinforcing the timeless principle that self-respect and mutual trust are non-negotiable in sustaining meaningful and fulfilling relationships.

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Note: Timestamps in square brackets ([MM:SS]) reference specific moments in the transcript for pertinent quotes and discussions.

Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

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[Christina]

Hi, Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. What can I help you?

[Christina]

How are you today? I listen to your program a lot and I appreciate all of your great advice you give. So I am a woman who's in a relationship.

[Dr. Laura]

How old are you and how old is he and how long have you been in a relationship? I need the particulars.

[Christina]

Yep. I am 38, never married. He is 42, never married. And we have been in a relationship for six months now.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, go ahead.

[Christina]

And one thing that we have that's a challenge is trust issues.

[Dr. Laura]

Is that then the relationship's over. I like to cut to the quick. There is no relationship without trust. Doesn't even matter why anybody's mistrusting. You can mistrust him because he's done creepy things and you found out about it. He could mistrust you for the same thing. You can play the I don't trust you because my dad screwed around on my mother. We can do all of this stuff, but basically there can be no relationship when two people are on guard because they don't trust. You have to understand that that's very direct.

[Christina]

I can agree with what you're saying for sure.

[Dr. Laura]

It's ridiculous. Stop wasting time and figure out if you're mistrusting him or if he's mistrusting you. Which way is it going in? Or you mistrust each other?

[Christina]

No, I would say that, you know, like we, not we.

[Dr. Laura]

Who mistrusts the other person?

[Christina]

He does. He has insecurities about my like just past life of anything.

[Dr. Laura]

I've to get rid of him because that's neurotic and insecure and that will never change. And here you are at 38. You've never had a good relationship. You've never been married. So you're going to hang on to this because you figure it's your last chance. It's better than nothing. And no, it's not. Curling up on the couch for a movie is one of my favorite ways to end the day. Lily's always right there with me. And we have a new addition to our movie nights, the fluffiest pretty Rosewater Pink Lola Blanket. Lola Blankets are unbelievably soft double sided faux fur blankets with a huggable stretch that molds to your body. Lola Blankets come in a beautiful array of colors and three different sizes so you can find just the right fit for your family. They even offer weighted blankets for better sleep and relaxation and super cute knotted faux fur pillows. With thousands of five star reviews, Lola Blankets are the must have upgrade your home and comfort deserve. So go to lolablankets.com, use my code DRLAURA at checkout for 40% off and incredible incredible discount just for you my listener. What are you waiting for? Go to lola blankets.com today and experience the life changing softness for yourself.

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[Christina]

Well, what I was wanting. You know, you're much more knowledgeable than I, for sure. I appreciate what you're saying to me and.

[Dr. Laura]

No, no, I think this makes sense to you. It's not complex. You don't have to have 30 degrees. If he is insecure, it's not going to get better. Violent men start out as insecure men, and they build up, but the insecurity doesn't go away.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

But ultimately the violence is to control the woman because he's insecure about rejection and abandonment and measuring up, stuff like that, which you cannot fix. All the sex cookies that you bake, hugs you give him won't change any of that. So if you want to keep getting tortured in the hope that this is magically going to change because he has good moments, when you go out to dinner, it's your life.

[Christina]

You are right.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, I am. And there's a reason for that. Life is precious and it's finite, and it makes me sad when I interact with people who are wasting it.

[Christina]

Yep. Yep. I listen to you all the time. I do, every day. I listen to all of the great advice that you give all the time. So that's why I wanted to call you, because you're very smart and it's.

[Dr. Laura]

Painful to take good advice. It's painful to take good advice. It's painful. Yes, believe me, I don't diminish that truth either. Very painful. Almost impossible. But I would miss the good times. I get that. So if you want to stay in a relationship with him, stop trying to convince him of anything. And when he starts criticizing you or questioning you, say, you know what? This is the part of you I don't admire.

[Christina]

Yeah. Yeah, you're very right. You're very right. And I, you know, for anybody else who feels the same way, too, that's why I wanted to call, because I'm sure there's other people like that. You know, all you can do is just try. You know, you just try as much as you can.

[Dr. Laura]

No, you shouldn't try as much as you can. That's the point I'm making. It's a ridiculous waste of your life to try as much as you can to make him a healthy man. You can't do that. You don't have that power. I don't want you to try as hard as you can. Hell no. It's going to eat you up, make you feel bad about yourself.

[Christina]

No, exactly. Yeah. And I try really hard and I, you know, I work full time.

[Dr. Laura]

I go to don't try hard. Don't try hard. Do not try hard anymore. It's a waste of your life.

[Christina]

Well, thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Hold out for someone who doesn't have neurotic insecurities. Just saying. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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