It's Time for Bob to Tell His Sons the Truth

Summary

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Podcast Summary: "It's Time for Bob to Tell His Sons the Truth"

The Dr. Laura Podcast | Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: November 8, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this emotionally insightful episode, Dr. Laura talks with a male caller, Steve, about his struggles with connecting emotionally with his two adult sons. The episode examines the lingering impact of divorce, a parent’s struggle with addiction, and the practicalities of expressing emotional needs in parent-child relationships—especially when grown children seem distant or unresponsive. Dr. Laura offers her frank perspective on breaking cycles of silent hurt and the importance of honest, direct conversations.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller’s Background and Family History

• Caller (Steve) introduces his situation: father to two adult sons (ages 35 and 32), not married to their mother, and a long history of family struggles involving his ex-wife's alcoholism ([02:09-02:33]).

• Divorce occurred when sons were in college, primarily due to his ex-wife's chronic alcoholism and its impact on the family.

  • Quote:
    • "She was an alcoholic who drove vans through trees. Drove drunk with some of the family friends, as I found out. It was an impossible situation." – Steve [02:33]

• Steve describes efforts to shield his sons from their mother’s addiction, admitting it was largely ineffective ([03:00-03:16]).

• Recognizes, in retrospect, that much of the harm was unavoidable (referencing “the frog in the boiling pot” analogy) ([03:10-03:30]).

• Sons eventually learned the truth themselves, showing varying coping styles—one internalizing with anger, one quieter like their mother ([04:23]).

2. Post-Divorce Dynamics and Parent–Child Relationship

• Steve shaped a close-knit trio with his sons after the split, supporting them through college and early adulthood ([04:23-05:52]).
• Emotional repair focused on building practical support rather than verbal or emotional expression.
• Both sons reportedly well-adjusted, with no overt animosity or conflict, and functioning independently as adults ([05:52]).

3. The Presenting Problem: Emotional Distance

• Steve voices ongoing concern: his sons maintain minimal contact, primarily via text, especially during big events like his cancer diagnosis ([08:27]).

• He questions whether this emotional distance is due to gender, personality, or signals from his own behavior ([08:08-08:27]).

  • Quote:
    • “I got cancer. I am now in remission through that. But I get a text. I never got a phone call.” – Steve [08:27]
    • “Father's Day. I get a hey, Happy Father's Day. Right? It’s a text.” – Steve [08:27]

4. Dr. Laura’s Direct Advice: The Importance of Truth and Asking for Connection

• Dr. Laura pinpoints the core issue: Steve has not explicitly told his sons how their minimal contact hurts him ([08:58-09:18]).

• She highlights a common mistake—expecting loved ones to intuit unspoken needs or feelings, which often leads to perpetuated distance ([09:22-09:41]).

• Dr. Laura challenges misconceptions about gender and emotional expression, stating both men and women often avoid expressing what they want for fear of seeming needy ([09:22-09:42]).

• She prescribes immediate action: have open, truthful conversations with his sons about his emotional needs.

  • Quote:
    • “You’ve trained them that minimalism is fine with you. Tell them the truth.” – Dr. Laura [10:42]
    • “From this moment on, on the table, truthful conversation. I missed very much, you guys not visiting me or calling me when I had cancer. I’d like a call on Father’s Day. I’d like you to come and visit. We have a history. I’m your dad. You have lives. Good. I’d like not to be kick-to-the-curb conversations, which are blunt.” – Dr. Laura [09:42-10:42]

• She differentiates between reasonable emotional requests and unhealthy demands, affirming Steve’s needs are legitimate ([10:42]).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parental shields and children’s awareness:

  • “Sometimes it’s like the frog in the boiling pot of water. Right?” – Steve [03:16]

• On family teamwork:

  • “We became a trio… We worked together to get them into college… did family things together. Not with her, just the three of us.” – Steve [04:23]

• On advocating for needs:

  • “Mostly it’s women who don’t let anybody know what they really want. They just spend their time being hurt that they don’t get it. But men can do this too. Everybody wants to seem independent.” – Dr. Laura [09:42]

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:09] – Steve introduces his sons and family background
• [02:33] – Cause of divorce discussed—ex-wife’s alcoholism
• [03:16] – Attempting to shield sons from addiction
• [04:23] – Building a family unit post-divorce
• [08:08] – Steve expresses concern about adult sons’ emotional distance
• [08:58] – Dr. Laura identifies lack of honest communication
• [09:42-10:42] – Dr. Laura outlines the truthful conversation Steve needs to have

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Key Takeaways

• Transparency and vulnerability in expressing emotional needs are crucial, even with adult children.
• Assumptions and silence create distance—direct communication is the antidote.
• Repairing family relationships is not about demanding obligations but inviting connection and honesty.

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Tone and Language

The tone is empathetic, direct, and practical—characteristic of Dr. Laura’s coaching style. She’s frank but supportive, highlighting actionable solutions without mincing words, and the dialogue remains candid as Steve openly reflects on past regrets and present hurts.

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Transcript

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[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day, sponsored by Native Path Collagen, the collagen I take daily to support healthy joints, skin, bones and gut. Go to getnativepath.com drlaura for free shipping and especially special bundle deal at a fraction of the retail price. Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph. And connect with me [e-mail] Bob.

Welcome to the program, Dr. Laura.

[Caller (Steve)]

How you doing?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Good. What can I help you with?

[Caller (Steve)]

Let me first say, I remember seeing you years and years ago in the 80s. It was. You were on some talk show. I can't remember which it was. I think it was in Chicago. It was you, this little tiny blonde woman on a stage with a bunch of very angry single mothers in the audience. And I'll always remember they said something, that they were owed this. This assistance. And you said, because they didn't mean for this to happen. And you said, story you tell me a man with an erection fell from a skyscraper and landed in your vagina by accident.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, my God.

[Caller (Steve)]

God's name is this woman. And I've been listening to you ever since.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It sounds like me, Steve. Even from the beginning, I was cheeky.

All right, how can I help you today?

[Caller (Steve)]

Okay, So I have two adult sons, 35 and 32.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Are you married to their mother?

[Caller (Steve)]

I am not. I am not. Their mother and I divorced when they were. They were in college. So it was. It was. We. We hung on.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Got it.

[Caller (Steve)]

Sure. If it was a great idea.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

And the reason for the divorce was.

[Caller (Steve)]

She was an alcoholic who drove vans through trees. Drove drunk with some of the family friends, as I found out. And it was. It was an impossible situation. So I probably. I still don't know if I did the right thing. But we hung on to that through that stage. So there you go.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay. How did they handle the divorce? No, take me back. While they were teenagers. How did they handle the drunk mother?

[Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, that was Everything. Well, I shielded them as best I could, but, you know, how do you.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Shield them from knowing? Watching their mother be a drunk and having accidents. How do you do that?

[Caller (Steve)]

Yeah. Well, not very well. So. I mean, many things I found out in retrospect, I'll always remember the day that. I mean, sometimes it's like the frog in the boiling pot of water. Right. You know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Yeah.

[Caller (Steve)]

Should have known this, but she had other issues. Menopausal issues, depression issues. What should have been obvious was we thought maybe we're drug interactions. Long story short, when the day came that it was clear that is, she drove a van into a fence and I had to have the talk with the boys. I'll always remember my youngest son as I was dancing around the issue, well, you know, she drove too close to the cliff, so to speak. The cliff. And my younger son was looking and said, you know, she drinks. Right. Okay, okay. Okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How did you.

What have you been doing since that time to sort of make it up to them?

[Caller (Steve)]

Yeah. So what we did then, I did. Once that was clear and once it was clear she was not going to reform. We tried for about nine.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No, no, no. My question is not what you did afterwards, but I was just wondering, what did you do to make it up to them that they had a drug.

[Caller (Steve)]

Yes. We became a trio. So the first thing I did is we worked together to get them into college, which they both got into college. We worked together to. They did have professional help at the time. And my younger one, the one who said, you know, she drinks. Right. Bit more like my personality type. So he internalized. He got angry about things, but he handled things a lot easier. The other one is much quieter, like his mother. But in the final analysis, we worked together as a team, got them into college, did family things together. Not with her, just the three of us. I left that relationship to them because they were adults at this point. They did well in college, got them through college, got there, you know, they. They. I think three years after that, I did remarry. And they lived with us for a brief time to pay off their loans, and they're off doing their own thing. So I've got no complaints with them in that respect. And there's no animosity. We don't. It's not like they. When we. We were together for a wedding in a local area and the wedding of one of their stepsisters and a childhood friend of my oldest. Very odd situation. But we all had a great time, so there's no problem that way.

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[Caller (Steve)]

I guess I don't know if the problem is really just maybe they're just. It's just they're boys and I want to know if my approach is the right one or a stupid one.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Can you tell me what the problem is? I'm hearing how there wasn't any ever.

So except for a drunk mom. So let me bring me up to speed on what your problem with them is.

[Caller (Steve)]

Yeah, so for example, two and a half years ago I got cancer. I did. I am now in remission through that. But I. I get a text. I never got a phone call. My father passed. I never got. I mean, it's just not a lot of contact. Father's Day. I get a hey, Happy Father's Day. Right? It's a text. Maybe they're just boys. They're not girls. The girls are different for sure. Maybe it's personality types. I don't know.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so when you had cancer and all you got was a text, did.

You ever call and say, hey, I would have liked to have gotten a call or a visit. Did you ever actually come out and say that that's a yes or a no. Okay, well, that's what you did wrong.

[Caller (Steve)]

Well, that's useful to know because they feel it's okay.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

They feel it's okay minimizing you and that it really doesn't matter because most of the time when something matters, people let you know. And when they don't let you know, then the assumption is it doesn't matter. So from this moment on. Better?

[Caller (Steve)]

Yes.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

From this moment on, on the table, truthful conversation. I missed very much, you guys not visiting me or calling me when I had cancer. I'd like a call on Father's Day. I'd like you to come and visit. We have a history. I'm your dad. You have lives. Good. I'd like not to be kick to the curb conversations, which are blunt. These are not demanding, all kinds of they're supposed to let you move in and you take care of them nonsense that I hear a lot about. But this is basic communication. The irony is that mostly it's women who don't let anybody know what they really want. They just spend their time being hurt that they don't get it. But men can do this too. Everybody wants to seem independent. All's okay. And it's great. Saw them. It was great. Everything was great. That's what you kept saying. Everything was great. Everything was great. No, it wasn't. So you've trained them that minimalism is fine with you? Tell them the truth. 1-800-375-2872.

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