Jay is Stuck in the Shack-up-Trap

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Jay is Stuck in the Shack-up-Trap"

Episode Release Date: January 7, 2025

In this insightful episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," host Dr. Laura Schlessinger tackles a poignant relationship issue brought forth by a caller named Jay. The discussion centers around the challenges of cohabitation, personal insecurities, and the importance of maintaining self-respect and objectivity in romantic relationships.

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Caller Introduction and Situation

At [00:46], Jay reaches out to Dr. Laura, expressing his distress over his current living situation. He explains that he and his girlfriend have been living together in a small apartment. Over the past month, her incessant complaints about her body and weight have become a significant source of tension. Jay shares, "Constantly asks me, you know, do you think I'm fat?" ([00:51]), highlighting the emotional strain this issue is placing on their relationship.

Dr. Laura’s Initial Response

Dr. Laura responds with her characteristic no-nonsense approach. She immediately questions the wisdom of cohabiting before fully assessing the relationship's viability. At [01:28], she challenges Jay by asking, "Why are you shacking up with this woman when you're dating? To find out if she's a keeper?" She emphasizes that living together can obscure one's judgment, making it difficult to objectively evaluate a partner's qualities and compatibility.

Impact of Cohabitation on Relationship Dynamics

Jay acknowledges the validity of Dr. Laura's point at [01:48], conceding that living together might be affecting his perspective. Dr. Laura delves deeper, explaining that cohabitation fosters a sense of obligation, which can trap individuals in unhealthy relationships. She states, "You're already seeing that she's somewhat superficial and neurotic," ([02:56]) suggesting that Jay's girlfriend's constant focus on her weight indicates deeper issues that may not align with his long-term relationship goals.

Dr. Laura’s Firm Advice

Dr. Laura doesn't mince words as she advises Jay to take decisive action. At [03:14], she firmly states, "You're shacking up. You're a grown man. You made the decision." She underscores the importance of personal responsibility and self-control, urging Jay not to succumb to feelings of entrapment. Dr. Laura reinforces that staying in a relationship that diminishes one's happiness and self-worth is detrimental in the long run.

Caller’s Hesitation and Dr. Laura’s Rebuttal

Jay expresses his reluctance to end the relationship, fearing emotional fallout and the discomfort of confrontation. At [07:24], he admits, "I do have that trapped." Dr. Laura responds bluntly, "You sound like a dick now. Because a dick is a bit of a wimp," ([08:25]) challenging Jay's hesitancy and emphasizing the need for assertiveness in preserving one's well-being.

Final Recommendations and Conclusion

Dr. Laura urges Jay to prioritize his happiness and future over immediate discomfort. She advises him to communicate his feelings honestly, stating, "Tell her the freaking truth. You're supposed to be thinking about what kind of woman you can trust and feel comfortable with for the rest of your life," ([07:22]). Dr. Laura emphasizes that remaining in a relationship out of obligation rather than genuine compatibility can lead to long-term dissatisfaction.

As the conversation concludes, Jay acknowledges the depth of Dr. Laura’s advice, noting, "This is definitely something I hadn't thought about before." ([09:45]) Dr. Laura reiterates her stance, encouraging him to "Save yourself." ([11:30]) and make choices that align with his personal happiness and future aspirations.

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Notable Quotes

• "Why are you shacking up with this woman when you're dating? To find out if she's a keeper?" – Dr. Laura ([01:28])

• "You're shacking up. You're a grown man. You made the decision." – Dr. Laura ([03:14])

• "Tell her the freaking truth. You're supposed to be thinking about what kind of woman you can trust and feel comfortable with for the rest of your life." – Dr. Laura ([07:22])

• "Save yourself." – Dr. Laura ([11:30])

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Key Takeaways

• Cohabitation Can Obscure Judgment: Living together may prevent individuals from objectively assessing the compatibility and long-term potential of a relationship.

• Importance of Self-Respect: Maintaining personal happiness and self-respect should take precedence over staying in a relationship out of obligation.

• Honest Communication is Crucial: Addressing issues openly and honestly is essential for the health and longevity of any relationship.

• Recognizing Toxic Patterns: Continuous negativity and insecurities from a partner can indicate deeper incompatibilities that may not be resolvable through compassion alone.

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This episode serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of self-awareness and integrity in relationships. Dr. Laura Schlessinger's candid advice provides listeners with valuable insights into recognizing and addressing unhealthy relationship dynamics, ultimately advocating for personal well-being and honest communication.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

For downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Jay welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi Dr. Laura. How you doing?

[Dr. Laura]

Good. What can I help you with?

[Caller]

So I have a kind of a. I don't want to say unique situation, but something I've never dealt with before. I have a girlfriend currently who I care for very dearly. Her and I live in a small apartment together. And so recently, over the past month, I'd say she's been really complaining to me a lot about how unhappy she is with her body and her weight, and is very unhappy every time she steps on the scale. Constantly asks me, you know, do you think I'm fat?

[Dr. Laura]

Why are you shacking up with this woman when you're dating? To find out if she's a keeper? Doesn't it kind of interfere with objectivity? Listen to the question. Doesn't it interfere with objectivity when you're already shacking up, sharing toilet paper and screwing whenever you want?

[Caller]

Yes, I could see how it does.

[Dr. Laura]

I you're all. You're already seeing that. You're already seeing that she's somewhat superficial and neurotic. But since you're living with her, already shacking up with her, you feel obligated in a way you wouldn't if you were dating her. You'd probably talk to your friends and go, God, she does this all the time. And they'd go, you know, move on. Get somebody who's confident, who's comfortable in her own skin, who doesn't measure herself by her weight and can be a good wife to you and a mother to your kids without this being such an ongoing issue. But because you're shacking up. You feel more obligated to fix this because you're already shacking up and you can't fix this. This would be an indication that maybe you shouldn't be dating her because certainly you don't need this for wife and mother of your kids material. And you're not going to fix her with all your compassion, sympathy and telling her but you look fine. All of that is not going to make a difference. So here you are, stuck. And that's what shacking up does, right? It's not a prelude to marriage.

[Caller]

Right? And it I didn't plan on shacking up with her.

[Dr. Laura]

I doesn't matter if you plan. I don't care. Na na na na na na na na na na na na. I don't want to hear any nonsense. You're shacking up. You're a grown man. You made the decision.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

Don't make it sound like you're not in control of your airplane. No man needs a woman who constantly bitches about her weight.

[Caller]

When you spend.

[Dr. Laura]

40 years married when you well, yes, and you shouldn't be in one now. But it's harder to stop when you're shacking up. That's one of the main reasons you don't do it. Because you're trapped.

[Caller]

Exactly.

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[Caller]

I do have that trapped.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, and I think you ought to tell her that. I hope you have the balls to tell her that, because this is your life, sir. And if you're not going to be the pilot of your plane, it's going to crash at some point and you're going to be miserable and broken into little pieces and wondering how you got there. So you need to tell her. I feel totally trapped. We're shacking up here together and I really don't want a woman who's not comfortable in her own skin. I don't want it. Tell her the freaking truth. You're supposed to be thinking about what kind of woman you can trust and feel comfortable with for the rest of your life. To be a good wife and not be superficial and to be a good mother to your kids. That's what you're looking for. Tell her the truth. See what she does with it, but put it in her court.

[Caller]

Right. And the trouble I'm having is telling her the truth without being. Without sounding like a dick.

[Dr. Laura]

It doesn't. You know something? You sound like a dick now. Because a dick is a bit of a wimp.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

Of course she's going to get upset. She's going to call her mother and say what a shit you are. And you won't be trapped with a neurotic woman for the rest of your life.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

This is your life we're talking about. Never shack up again. It's a trap that eliminates all your objectivity. You're trapped. This conversation would have gone much differently if you were simply dating. But unraveling separately, you mean. Yes, because at this point, you would already be backing off. Who needs this? You're trying to establish a life with somebody and she's obsessed about her looks. Please.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

Right. I know a lot of people. Some are fat, some are heavy, some are big, some are skinny, some are small, some have bone problems, some have all kinds of stuff. And I don't know one of them that spends their time on that.

[Caller]

Okay. This is definitely something I hadn't thought about before with. With the term neurotic. I didn't even. That didn't even cross my mind before.

[Dr. Laura]

I know. Because you're young, so you don't know this. And you're trapped, so you don't want to think it. I don't want this to go south. I mean, having to move all my stuff out. Having to move her stuff out. She's going to be crying and I'm going to feel like a dick. But you shouldn't. You're dating for one reason defines a woman. You can share your life with, raise kids with, go through trials and tribulations with. Love each other, make love to each other. You're trying to find a good woman you can trust who is sweet, kind, loyal, compassionate. You're trying to find that woman instead. You're trapped with this one. And then you resort to the but I love her. Please, please don't do that. Please. Yeah.

[Caller]

Definitely. A lot to think about.

[Dr. Laura]

Good. But tell her the truth. I feel trapped. I wish you were more. I would like it better if you were more content in your own skin and spending your time on more important things. But crying every day. This is I. That's not what I want for the rest of my life.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Dr. Laura]

And you're gonna have to pay for facelifts when she's 32.

[Caller]

Yeah. All right.

[Dr. Laura]

Save yourself, my dear.

[Caller]

That's. That's okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Save yourself.

[Caller]

All right, I hear you. I hear you.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, sir, take care.

[Caller]

All right. Thank you. Thank you.

[Dr. Laura]

Bye. Oh, that was an important call. That was a really important call. Really. My number, 1-800-375-2872. If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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