Jen’s Fear is Abusive to Her Kids

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Jen’s Fear is Abusive to Her Kids

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Guest/Caller: Jen
Date: March 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this emotionally intense episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Jen, a mother struggling with profound grief after losing her daughter. Jen describes her increasing anxiety, overprotectiveness toward her surviving children, and feelings of isolation since the tragedy. Dr. Laura guides Jen through the layers of her pain, highlighting how unresolved fear and grief can inadvertently harm her remaining family. The conversation is marked by Dr. Laura’s signature blend of candor and compassion as she urges Jen to seek professional therapy and regain healthy boundaries with her children.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Jen’s Grief Journey & Family Upheaval

• Timestamps: 01:40–04:00
  • Jen lost her 25-year-old daughter in May 2023 and has not received any counseling since.
  • The period after her daughter’s death was tumultuous: another daughter married days later, her son began his senior year, and a court case regarding her deceased daughter loomed for over a year.
  • Jen describes how, despite constant busyness and parental involvement, her emotional well-being unraveled after the court case ended. She began experiencing panic attacks and became even more restrictive with her surviving children.

2. The Strain of Unprocessed Grief on Parenting

• Timestamps: 04:00–05:03, 07:23–09:40
  • Dr. Laura directly addresses Jen’s behavior—her hyper-control over her kids—as damaging: “That’s becoming a bad parent. That’s using your children for yourself.” (04:47)
  • Dr. Laura stresses that while it’s natural to want to hold children close after a loss, suffocating them with fear for their safety robs them of independence and can destroy the mother-child relationship.
  • Jen confesses to anxiety when her kids aren’t home and admits, “I don't want them to [leave].”
  • Dr. Laura firmly reframes this as abusive, making clear: “You trapped yourself in terror and in so doing make them responsible for you. That's abusing your kids. Do you understand? That's adult child abuse.” (07:53)

3. The Need for Professional Help and Moving Forward

• Timestamps: 07:23, 09:40–10:30, 16:53–17:13
  • Jen admits she doesn't know how to begin therapy. Dr. Laura insists, “I need you to go to therapy and get professional help. You’re not going to do this by yourself.” (07:26)
  • Dr. Laura normalizes Jen’s fear of losing another child, but emphasizes, “They have never had to live to assuage your fears. That's not the point of their lives.” (09:33)
  • Jen recognizes her own isolation and fear of crowds, noting, “I used to love going into crowds and being goofy. And now I avoid. I avoid life.” (09:40)
  • By the end, Dr. Laura praises the call as a positive first step and asks Jen for a promise: "Promise me, promise me. And don't fib. You're going to get some help with this." (16:53); Jen agrees to go to counseling and follow up.

4. Betrayal, Trauma, and Ongoing Loss

• Timestamps: 11:12–14:23
  • The conversation dives deeper into trauma: After her daughter’s father was killed, her uncle—a sheriff—fraudulently claimed guardianship to obtain a wrongful death settlement, which only came to light following her daughter’s death.
  • Jen describes the compounded betrayal and how it further eroded her trust in others and ability to feel safe.
  • Dr. Laura offers a gentle nudge: “You're generalizing and you'll have to yank that back in. And therapy will help you with that because you trusted me.” (13:01)

5. Loss and the Varieties of Parental Grief

• Timestamps: 14:07–16:45
  • Jen reflects on the differences in grief between herself and friends who have recently also lost children, emphasizing, “Nobody’s pain is the same. That was a huge learning lesson for me.” (14:09)
  • Discusses the circumstances of her daughter's death (fentanyl overdose at a party) versus her friends’ kids (accidents), and how each scenario brings unique pain and challenges.
  • A lighter moment: Dr. Laura recounts her own fearful reaction to being offered fentanyl by a paramedic after a fall, which elicits a shared laugh about their mutual anxiety toward the drug. (15:06)

6. Rituals of Remembrance

• Timestamps: 15:59–16:53
  • Jen contrasts her practice of scattering her daughter's ashes with the traditional burial of a friend's son, expressing how differently each mode of letting go feels.
  • She notes how attending a burial was "a whole different whirlwind" emotionally.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Laura, on the limits of parental protection:
  “Our kids are supposed to leave us. That's the healthy one.” (04:13)

• Dr. Laura, on the dangers of parentifying children:
  “You trapped yourself in terror and in so doing make them responsible for you. That's abusing your kids. Do you understand? That's adult child abuse.” (07:53)

• Jen, realizing her kids are not responsible for her healing:
  “I had to stop holding on and spending all the time I can with them...they’re good kids...I just am so scared of losing another one.” (09:04)

• Dr. Laura, reiterating the call for action:
  “Promise me, promise me. And don't fib. You're going to get some help with this.” (16:53)

• Jen, on the individuality of grief:
  “Nobody's pain is the same. That was a huge learning lesson for me.” (14:09)

• Shared levity on fentanyl fears:
  Dr. Laura: “I'm not giving you street fentanyl. Calm down.” (15:44)
  Jen: “I'm not the only one with that fear.” (15:50)

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Conclusion

This episode is a moving example of Dr. Laura’s commitment to tough love, as she compassionately challenges Jen to confront her grief and fear-driven behaviors. Listeners witness the transformative power of naming problematic patterns—like parentifying children in the wake of loss—and the irreplaceable role of professional support in breaking such cycles. The call ends on a hopeful note, with Jen promising to seek therapy, and Dr. Laura affirming that the journey to healing has begun.

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Key Timestamps

• [01:40] Jen’s story and family upheaval after loss
• [04:00] Dr. Laura’s warning against controlling parenting
• [07:26] Direct advice: “Go to therapy”
• [09:33] Parental fears and boundaries
• [11:12] Court case and betrayal details
• [13:01] On trust and trauma
• [14:09] Individuality of grief
• [15:06–15:44] Shared story about fentanyl
• [16:53] Dr. Laura’s parting call to action

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Transcript

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[Jen (Caller)]

Uh, yeah.

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my call of the day, brought to you by Home Title Lock. Don't become a victim of title fraud. Protect your equity with their million dollar triple lock protection. Try it for free [e-mail] Dr. Laura Remember, you can hear my radio program daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24 [e-mail] Jen, welcome to the program.

[Jen (Caller)]

Hi.

[Dr. Laura]

Hi. How can I help? You're very welcome, Jen. What's on your mind?

[Jen (Caller)]

So, May 7th of 23, I lost my daughter. She was 25. And no, I haven't done counseling or anything. We went through a year and a half court case. We. My other daughter got married 10 days after her sister passed away. My other daughter was graduating high school. My son was starting his senior year. It was just a crazy time. I was able to go through all these things, work, come home. I was team mom for his football, baseball, basketball. Super involved with everything, you know, with my kids. Well, my son graduated this last year and all of a sudden I go to work, I come home and the court case is over and I can't like focus on things. I started having panic attacks. It felt like my daughter had just passed away. I've always been a crazy helicopter mom, but I'm even more so of a crazy helicopter mom. I hate when my kids aren't home. I.

[Dr. Laura]

Are they all okay? You started out by saying you didn't get therapy. You need to. Yeah, you need to. Unless you're busy. Busy, busy, busy, busy. You sink into a hole. Understandable. I think the worst thing in life, absolute worst thing in life, is to lose a kid. Losing a parent, losing A sibling, losing a spouse, these are all grim. But nothing is as devastating as losing a child. So I appreciate and you have to make a transition now and it's not going to be easy. But I don't want you to become a policeman sucking in your kids so that you stay sane.

[Jen (Caller)]

Well, that's kind of what it feels like. I freak out when they're not home. I.

[Dr. Laura]

And why do you think I'm saying what I'm saying? I'm already saying that you need help. So you stop doing that or you will destroy one of them at least and the relationships with more of them because they can't live for you. Our kids are supposed to leave us. That's the healthy one.

[Jen (Caller)]

I don't want them to.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, that's becoming a bad parent. That's becoming a bad parent. That's becoming a bad parent.

[Jen (Caller)]

And I think it kind of goes into have like control because I feel

[Dr. Laura]

like with them here, that's becoming a bad parent. That's using your children for yourself.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah.

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[Dr. Laura]

It's your happy place. Thy ticket, lady Jennifer of Coolidge. Well, many thanks, good sir. Here is my Discover card.

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[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, they do.

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[Jen (Caller)]

With the times.

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[Jen (Caller)]

I don't know how to therapy.

[Dr. Laura]

I need to go to therapy and get professional help. You're not going to do this by yourself.

[Jen (Caller)]

I'm just scared of one of them and losing one another one. That's my fear.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay? Every parent has that fear, even if they haven't lost a kid. You need help so you don't hurt your kids. And if you can get good therapeutic help and grow past this moment, you're going to enjoy your kids more. You don't enjoy your kids as much as you could. You can't. You trapped yourself in terror and in so doing make them responsible for you. That's abusing your kids. Do you understand? That's adult child abuse.

[Jen (Caller)]

I've never looked at it like that. I hear what you're saying. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

You can't be doing that. You're going to lose them at some point because they're just going to have to explode away from you to get the freedom. You don't want that to happen. There are many ways to lose a kid. Death is only one, right. I don't want you to lose your kids because they have to claim their own lives. And to do that they have to be apocalyptic in how they handle it. You don't want that. You do understand what I'm saying, right? Please.

[Jen (Caller)]

I do. I do.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Okay.

[Jen (Caller)]

I do. I don't. Didn't realize that that's how I was being with them. I had to stop holding on and spending all the time I can with them and telling them if you're not home at midnight. Nothing good happens after midnight. No need to be out that late. And they're good kids. My daughter's going to school to be a detective. My son has started his own business. He's. I mean they're. They're great kids. I just am so scared of losing another one. And these two.

[Dr. Laura]

I never had to live to assuage your fears. Hunting. They can't. That's not the point of their lives.

[Jen (Caller)]

Right. Yeah. No, I appreciate your words because that's. I feel like I'm. I'm drowning. I'm trying to find my footing. I've kind of turned into a hermit. I used to be like. I used to love going into crowds of people and talking and being goofy. And now I avoid. I avoid life.

[Dr. Laura]

Mm.

[Jen (Caller)]

I hate going to stores. I go when it's like, late at night so that I don't have to see people. I've never had anxiety attacks. I've started having those.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah.

[Jen (Caller)]

Like I. Trying to figure out my footing and trying to figure out how to move forward.

[Dr. Laura]

You're not going to be able to figure out your footing by yourself.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah. This was my first step because I felt like something's got to change. Something's not. I'm not doing it right. And I definitely don't want to push my younger two kids away.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. I think you're. By making this call and hearing me out, you've already started a very good journey.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah. I really appreciate your words. Listen to for years. And I love the brutal honesty. Sometimes that's what you need.

[Dr. Laura]

Sometimes.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah. And I appreciate that. Thank you so much.

[Dr. Laura]

By the way, what was this court case about?

[Jen (Caller)]

So her father was killed when she was 13, and her uncle is a sheriff, and he went and lied and said he was her legal guardian and filed a wrongful death suit and was awarded $300,000 that my daughter knew nothing about. We knew nothing about. He bought his mom a house. He lied to the court. In a child compromise case. The child's always supposed to be present in court. So the judge knows that the child knows what's going on. My daughter never step foot in the courtroom. And it. The things that came out after she passed away were just mind boggling. And so we filed a case against them. I mean, there's a lot more to us finding out things that my daughter didn't always make the best choices. That was mine and her struggle in our relationship. But finding out things that her uncle and her grandmother were involved in with her completely threw me through a loop.

[Dr. Laura]

Wow.

[Jen (Caller)]

Because I trusted them, as did she.

[Dr. Laura]

And this is more. More.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Much more betrayal. Much more. I wonder. You don't want to be around people.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah. I always feel like I have to look, like behind me or look. I don't know. I. I don't trust people at all now. And I've never been that way. I've always taken people at face value.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, you're generalizing and you'll have to yank that back in. And the therapy will help you with that because you trusted me. You trusted me.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, well then you can make trust judgments. You can. You're able to.

[Jen (Caller)]

When I get back to trying to find some happy medium and you know, in the last few months I've had three of my friends, kids killed in car accidents that were their kids. Were my kids friends.

[Dr. Laura]

What?

[Jen (Caller)]

And everybody reaches out. Yeah. And everybody reaches out to me. Well, you've been through this. You know, I need your help.

[Dr. Laura]

I think you know it and you're perfect at it.

[Jen (Caller)]

Try to help. And then I find myself dwindling back down because.

[Dr. Laura]

Right.

[Jen (Caller)]

No, it re. Opens up all my wounds and.

[Dr. Laura]

Right.

[Jen (Caller)]

But I don't want to push them away because I understand some of the hurt that I've learned through this, that nobody pain is the same.

[Dr. Laura]

That's true. Good point.

[Jen (Caller)]

And that was a huge learning lesson for me.

[Dr. Laura]

Good point.

[Jen (Caller)]

I thought losing a child, a mother's pain is going to be like each other and. No, it's not.

[Dr. Laura]

What are the differences that you see?

[Jen (Caller)]

Well, you know, their children were killed in car accidents. My daughter went to a party and chose to take the pill with her friend and that pill ended up having fentanyl in it. And the other girl story, so often, you know, I, I work in the dental field. We use fentanyl in sedation. After this happened, I won't even help with it. And my son's like, it's not the same. It's not the same. I promise. I'm like, I'm not testing this. I'm sorry. Nevermind. I've been coping with it for 20 years.

[Dr. Laura]

Can I make you giggle? Oh, you giggled by yourself. When? Five, six years ago when I was wearing new shoes and they caught on a stair and I went flying down the stairs. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. And smushed my right wrist. So I get in the ambulance and she says, oh geez, I'm going to give you something for the pain. That's got to be off the charts. Yes, it is. It is off the charts. And then I said, what are you giving me? And she says, well, Fentanyl. I practically flew off the gurney. No, no, don't do that, you'll kill me. And she goes, I'm not giving you street fentanyl. Calm down. Well, I'm glad I know what you're saying.

[Jen (Caller)]

Only one with that fear.

[Dr. Laura]

No, you know, you and I are equally nutty. Okay.

[Jen (Caller)]

Oh, but no, I, I just feel like they're paying this. We just leave my son's friend, my friend's son to rest on Friday. I've never went to the grave site. My daughter was cremated because I like. We go to Fort Bragg a lot. That was her favorite place. Every year, every time we go, I take her ashes and we I let them go in the ocean. Their child was burnt in a car accident and they had the casket and everything. And watching them lower his casket into the ground, it threw me through a whole different whirlwind. I've never seen that.

[Dr. Laura]

It's not as cheerful as spreading, you know, the ashes. That's kind of a cheerful thing in a way.

[Jen (Caller)]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, I understand. Well, I've got to take a break now, but I'm pleased you called me Jen. Now, promise me, promise me. And don't fib. You're going to get some help with this.

[Jen (Caller)]

I will. And I will do a couple months of counseling and then I will give you a call back.

[Dr. Laura]

Please do.

[Jen (Caller)]

I appreciate you.

[Dr. Laura]

All right. Thank you. Take care, Jen. 1-800-Doctor Laura 1-800-375-2872 if you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

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