Lisa is Afraid to Leave Her Husband

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Lisa is Afraid to Leave Her Husband"

Podcast Information:

• Title: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
• Host/Author: Dr. Laura Schlessinger & SiriusXM
• Description: Dr. Laura Schlessinger provides no-nonsense advice on parenting and family issues, emphasizing ethics, accountability, and personal responsibility. Her daily radio program reaches millions weekly on SiriusXM Triumph 111.
• Episode: Lisa is Afraid to Leave Her Husband
• Release Date: June 24, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of "Dr. Laura Call of the Day," Lisa reaches out to Dr. Laura for guidance regarding her troubled marriage. Lisa expresses fear and uncertainty about leaving her unfaithful and emotionally abusive husband. Dr. Laura employs her characteristic directness to dissect Lisa's situation, challenging her perceptions of forgiveness and personal responsibility.

Caller’s Dilemma

Lisa's Background:

• Initial Success: Lisa mentions having read Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands," and initially experiencing positive changes in her marriage by applying the book's principles ([01:00]).
• Current Struggles: Despite her efforts, Lisa's relationship has deteriorated due to her husband's infidelity and persistent anger ([01:20]).

Emotional State:

• Nervousness and Fear: Lisa is visibly anxious about the conversation and the prospect of leaving her husband ([00:35]).
• Desire for Resolution: She seeks to restore her marriage and avoid facing life alone ([08:26]).

Dr. Laura’s Analysis

Addressing Infidelity:

• Dr. Laura emphasizes that infidelity is a significant breach of trust and questions the sincerity of forgiveness when the offending party shows no remorse ([03:05]). She uses a stark analogy to illustrate her point:

  "A bear is hungry, comes to your house, eats one of your five kids. You go, I forgive the bear... by the time I'm finished with this story, all your kids are dead." ([02:44])

Challenging Forgiveness:

• Dr. Laura argues that unconditional forgiveness in the face of ongoing betrayal is a sign of weakness and fear:

  "Forgiveness is a product of your weakness and fear." ([09:35])

Personal Responsibility:

• She stresses that Lisa is responsible for her own happiness and must take control of her life instead of relying on her husband to change:

  "Your problem is you, not him." ([09:22])

Encouraging Empowerment:

• Dr. Laura urges Lisa to recognize her own strength and capabilities, especially highlighting her journey to sobriety as evidence of her resilience ([12:17]):

  "Because it takes grit, guts to get sober." ([12:45])

Key Insights and Advice

1. No Recurring Forgiveness Without Change:

   • Dr. Laura makes it clear that forgiving without behavioral change is futile. She compares the situation to forgiving a bear, illustrating the danger of expecting change without accountability ([02:44]).

2. Facing Fear of Independence:

   • The underlying issue for Lisa is her fear of being alone. Dr. Laura emphasizes that staying in the relationship out of fear only perpetuates her suffering ([07:48], [07:50]).

3. Personal Growth and New Beginnings:

   • Instead of investing in therapies that attempt to fix the unfaithful partner, Dr. Laura advises Lisa to focus on her own growth and surround herself with supportive friends ([11:34]).

4. Acceptance and Moving On:

   • Dr. Laura suggests that if Lisa cannot muster the courage to leave, she should at least find ways to make her current life more fulfilling without expecting her husband to change ([10:11]).

Notable Quotes

• On Forgiveness:

  "Don't give me any silly crap about forgiveness... When somebody is continuing behaviors." — Dr. Laura ([03:05])

• On Personal Responsibility:

  "You're expecting him to change because you don't want to face your fears. That's it. You're stuck until you die." — Dr. Laura ([03:56])

• On Empowerment:

  "The strongest part of you has to pick you now." — Dr. Laura ([08:26])

• On Life’s Preciousness:

  "Being alive is such a precious gift. We can't create it and we can't make it last forever. And you are wasting it." — Dr. Laura ([04:06])

Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. Laura delivers a no-holds-barred assessment of Lisa's situation, urging her to confront her fears and take decisive action towards reclaiming her life. By challenging Lisa's reliance on forgiveness and advocating for personal responsibility, Dr. Laura empowers her caller to make a transformative choice—either to move forward independently or accept a life of unresolved conflict.

Listeners who may find themselves in similar situations can take away the importance of self-respect, the necessity of setting boundaries, and the courage required to make tough decisions for personal well-being.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional content interspersed in the transcript have been excluded from this summary in accordance with the provided instructions.

Transcript

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[Dr. Laura]

Thanks for listening to my Call of the Day podcast. You can hear my live radio program Monday through Friday from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on SiriusX XM Triumph 111. Lisa, welcome to the program.

[Caller]

Hi. I'm so nervous.

[Dr. Laura]

It's okay. Take a breath. Take another breath. No, that was a short breath. Gotta like that. Let me hear that. Great. You're good at breathing. Now let's see what else is going on.

[Caller]

Okay. So I want to try to figure out how to get things kind of, like, back on track. I read your book and I did everything in the book and things were going really, really well.

[Dr. Laura]

Slow down. I wrote 13. So tell me which one.

[Caller]

The Proper care and Feeding of Husbands.

[Dr. Laura]

Got it. All right, go ahead.

[Caller]

Okay. Okay. Yeah, we had, like, gone through, like, some really difficult times. Like, he. There's infidelity in the relationship, and we had been.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay. Did you read page one? Addictions, infidelities, your mental illness. The book doesn't count.

[Caller]

Okay, I think I forgot. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Somebody's willing to do that. They don't have the commitment to you. They don't have the love. They don't have the respect.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

And you can tap dance all day and it likely won't change anything.

[Caller]

Okay. Yeah, I guess. I guess. Yeah, I guess you're right. Like, I mean, like, we've been having these sort of, like, circular arguments. Like, I'm a very positive person and I do work a lot.

[Dr. Laura]

I'm stuck on the infidelities.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah, you should be, too.

[Caller]

I think.

[Dr. Laura]

Mm. Are you sure you think?

[Caller]

Well, I was raised. I was raised in. Raised in being able to, like, give people forgiveness.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, let me explain something to you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

A bear is hungry, comes to your house, eats one of your five kids. You go, I forgive the bear. It's just being a bear comes back the next day, does the same thing because realizes there are no consequences. By the time I'm finished with this story, all your kids are dead.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

Don't give me any silly crap about forgiveness. When somebody has no true remorse, has not really remedied the situation, has not really done whatever it took to make the situation better, and you're just silly and you're hiding your fear of being on your own behind righteous forgiveness. Which is silly. When somebody is continuing behaviors.

[Caller]

Yeah, like he hasn't repeated like those type of behaviors. But he's still, you know, angry and nasty.

[Dr. Laura]

Ma' Am.

[Caller]

To me. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Ma' am. Too bad you're not protecting yourself. This is your life. You're expecting him to change because you don't want to face your fears. That's it. You're stuck until you die.

[Caller]

Unless I make the change myself, of course. Yes. Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

Anybody screwing around on you and being mean does not have your best interest at hearts. And it hurts me, literally. I get a tightness in my chest talking to women like you and some men who are in the same situation where they don't realize that life is terminal. You're going to be dead, barely remembered by 99% of the universe. Dead. And you're wasting days, weeks, months, years. Wasting it. Being alive is such a precious gift. We can't create it and we can't make it last forever. And you are wasting it.

[Caller]

Okay.

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[Dr. Laura]

Hiding behind. I'm forgiving. What for? How ridiculous are you to forgive him?

[Caller]

I hear you.

[Dr. Laura]

So instead of reading again, read 10 Stupid Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives. First book I wrote.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Read that.

[Caller]

I'll read that one.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah. Because I was thinking, like, you know, if we tried with one more therapist, if we learned how to communicate.

[Dr. Laura]

Please don't make me choke. Please don't make me choke.

[Caller]

I know, I know.

[Dr. Laura]

Face the fact that you're scared.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

That's what all this hanging around with him is about. You're scared.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

Which gives him the power to hurt you.

[Caller]

Okay? And I used to, like, be a different person before this marriage.

[Dr. Laura]

I don't care. I don't care. No, you didn't. You never were because you picked him.

[Caller]

That's true.

[Dr. Laura]

That's right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

The weakest part of you picked him. The strongest part of you has to pick you now.

[Caller]

Right? Yeah. You're absolutely right. Yeah. I've been, like, doing a lot of, like, deep work, and it's just like, you know, I have the decision to make the change and that's it, really. Or the power to make that change.

[Dr. Laura]

If not between now and dead, this is it. So don't bother circular arguments anymore. Just smile a lot and get on with your life with him. If you're too scared to take control of your life, be on your own, build a new life, et cetera. Then just stay with him and stop arguing. What the hell is the point? Don't spend money on any more therapy. What is the point?

[Caller]

Right? Right.

[Dr. Laura]

Your problem is you, not him.

[Caller]

I guess I have that, like, silly belief that it can. Can get better.

[Dr. Laura]

That's.

[Caller]

And it can.

[Dr. Laura]

Like, forgiveness is a product of your weakness and fear.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. Laura]

You can stay with him. I'm not telling you to leave. Right. I'm just telling you that if. That your predicament is not going to be remedied through your hoping, praying, or forcing him or going to more therapists and whatever.

[Caller]

Right? Because yet, for a while.

[Dr. Laura]

It is you.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. Laura]

It is you. You're not making him be a shithead. You're tolerating a shithead. That's you. Oh, that's another thing women do. It must be me. So I'll keep working on this. So there's a million therapies. You're thinking it's you and you have to fix yourself. Wait, we got three of them here. And then there was the first one. What was the first one? I'm going to forgive him. I'm going to forgive him. Then I don't have to leave and be on my own. I'm going to keep arguing with him and hoping something will change so I don't have to go out and be on my own. All these things are to keep you from being on your own. So if being on your own is that terrifying, then plan B is. Accept that this is your lot, because this is the choice you made for many, many, many, many years. And you're just not going to fight about it anymore. You're going to take up gardening, bicycle riding. You're just going to fill your life with pleasant things and stop pretending that this can be better.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. Laura]

I'm okay with that.

[Caller]

Yeah. It sounds lonely, though.

[Dr. Laura]

No, you have friends. You go bicycle ride with a bunch of girlfriends, start pickleball, it's not lonely. You'll have friends. You don't even have a friend in him, so friends are good. Don't tell me you're not. You're already lonely.

[Caller]

I do have friends. I do have friends.

[Dr. Laura]

There you go, then. Spend more time with friends and less time pretending that this can get better. Because that's just silly waste of life. If you're going to stay, at least use life better.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. Because I was like a bit of a mess, but I got sober and I'm doing really well.

[Dr. Laura]

Yes, well, drunks usually don't pick good partners.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. Laura]

Well, I figure if you got yourself sober, you ought to be able to survive being on your own.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. Laura]

Because it takes grit, guts to get sober.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. Laura]

So you're not as gutless as you think you are.

[Caller]

I mean, like the other problem that we have, too, is.

[Dr. Laura]

No, I don't want to hear another.

[Caller]

Problem you don't want to hear.

[Dr. Laura]

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