Long-Term Engagement Strain

Summary

---

The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Long-Term Engagement Strain

Date: May 10, 2026

Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Maria

---

Overview

This episode centers on Maria, a caller who has been in an 18-year engagement without marriage and is now facing strain in her relationship due to a lack of intimacy. Dr. Laura gives her signature direct, no-nonsense advice about the reality of long-term, non-marital commitments, what “fiancé” means, and the importance of honest self-reflection and personal boundaries. The conversation tackles relationship inertia, sexual compatibility, and the choices available when a partner refuses both marriage and intimacy.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The “18-Year Fiancé”: Calling Out Relationship Limbo

• Maria describes being engaged for 18 years and now experiencing sexual and emotional distance.
• Dr. Laura immediately challenges the term "fiancé for 18 years":

  • “There is no such thing as a fiancé for 18 years. Fiancés are for two years, year and a half, something like that, because the wedding is planned. Eighteen years is a phony connection between two people that has no true profound meaning in the universe. They just are neurotically attached to each other.”
    (Dr. Laura, 02:26 – 02:41)

• She encourages Maria to call it what it is: a relationship with no real path to marriage.

2. The Reality of Intimacy—and the Lack Thereof

• Maria reveals that her partner of 18 years stopped having sex with her three years ago.
• Dr. Laura states bluntly that, since they’re not married, there’s no obligation:

  • “He’s not required to have sex with you. It’s not a requirement. You’re just the girlfriend.”
    (Dr. Laura, 03:17–03:21)

• Maria wants to know why she should stay if she’s “not getting any.” Dr. Laura, in her trademark sardonic humor, tells her:

  • “If you’re not getting any, get out of D. Absolutely. Because after all, that’s all it was worth.”
    (Dr. Laura, 04:08)

3. Contrasting Commitment and Mere Attachment

• Dr. Laura discusses the difference between the devotion in a true marriage and “just hanging” in a relationship:

  • “When people love each other and are committed in a beautiful relationship, marriage, commitment with sacred vows, … there is only ‘How can I help?’ … But when you’re just hanging, it’s annoying when they don’t give you everything you want.”
    (Dr. Laura, 04:18–04:55)

• She highlights the difference between enduring through physical changes in a committed marriage versus the resentments that arise in uncommitted, long-term relationships.

4. Exploring Options: Acceptance, Leaving, or Changing the Dynamic

• Maria feels stuck, unsure of what to do after three years without intimacy.
• Dr. Laura presses her to evaluate real options, including breaking up or seeking satisfaction elsewhere:

  • “Get a vibrator, find a new boyfriend.”
    (Dr. Laura, 03:50)

  • When Maria says her boyfriend is “faithful,” Dr. Laura’s tone remains sharp and pragmatic, saying faithfulness means little if the relationship isn’t satisfying.
• Dr. Laura asks directly if the boyfriend has a medical issue (erectile dysfunction); Maria confirms, but he refuses to see a doctor:

  • “Well, you got to get yourself a guy like in his 30s or 40s, clearly, right?”
    (Dr. Laura, 05:58–06:04)

5. The Myth of Expecting Change Without Action

• Dr. Laura warns against falling into the trap of waiting for miracles and encourages Maria to take responsibility for her own happiness:

  • “People who don’t want to come up with another plan don’t really want to change anything in their lives … so they stay and complain, hoping that a miracle will happen.”
    (Dr. Laura, 09:56–10:07)

  • “Don’t … don’t give me this miracle crap. Well, then this is your life if you leave everything else as it is.”
    (Dr. Laura, 10:00–10:07)

• Dr. Laura emphasizes Maria’s agency: accept life without intimacy, or proactively change her circumstance.

6. Self-Worth and Next Steps

• Maria asks if she’s “worth more” than she’s getting. Dr. Laura corrects her:

  • “This has nothing to do with your worth.”
    (Dr. Laura, 10:59–11:03)

• Dr. Laura suggests a practical experiment: buy a vibrator, use it for a month, and see if the relationship’s other qualities outweigh the absence of sex:

  • “Spend a month with your toys and see if that’s enough that you don’t want to lose him.”
    (Dr. Laura, 11:50–11:53)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There is no such thing as a fiancé for 18 years.”
  (Dr. Laura, 02:26)
• “18 years is a phony connection … They just are neurotically attached to each other.”
  (Dr. Laura, 02:35–02:41)
• “If you’re not getting any, get out of D.”
  (Dr. Laura, 04:08)
• “When you’re just hanging, it’s annoying when they don’t give you everything you want.”
  (Dr. Laura, 04:50)
• “He’s not required to have sex with you … You’re just the girlfriend.”
  (Dr. Laura, 03:17–03:21)
• “Get a vibrator, find a new boyfriend.”
  (Dr. Laura, 03:50)
• “People who don’t want to come up with another plan don’t really want to change anything in their lives … they stay and complain, hoping that a miracle will happen.”
  (Dr. Laura, 09:56–10:07)
• “This has nothing to do with your worth.”
  (Dr. Laura, 11:01)

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• [02:01] - Maria introduces her “fiancé of 18 years”
• [02:26] - Dr. Laura refutes “long-term fiancé” status
• [03:11] - Maria explains intimacy stopped three years prior
• [03:50] - Dr. Laura offers blunt options (vibrator or new boyfriend)
• [04:18] - Dr. Laura contrasts marriage vs. indefinite girlfriend status
• [05:49] - Maria discusses erectile dysfunction issue and partner’s refusal to seek help
• [06:19] - Maria floats having sex outside the relationship; Dr. Laura reminds her there are no vows
• [09:19] - Dr. Laura clarifies Maria’s choices and the reality of inaction
• [11:01] - Dr. Laura rebuts Maria’s feelings of worthlessness
• [11:50] - Dr. Laura’s month-long vibrator experiment suggestion

---

Conclusion

Dr. Laura distills Maria’s dilemma down to simple, actionable choices: accept a sexless partnership and find other means of fulfillment, or leave and seek a relationship that aligns with her needs. The episode is a hallmark of Dr. Laura’s straightforward approach, peppered with humor, empathy, and a push for self-empowerment. Listeners dealing with long-term relationship inertia and dissatisfaction will find both tough love and practical tools for decision-making.

---

Transcript

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lily. If you listen to my program, you know I'm a firm believer in watching movies that tell stories that matter. So when I found a streaming service centered on that very idea, I had to tell you about it. Angel is a streaming platform built around values like courage, faith, family. They offer a strong range of options like Solo Mio with Kevin James, a fun choice for date night. David, beautifully animated musical that families can enjoy. And Cabrini, the riveting story of Mother Cabrini and the triumph she overcame in establishing orphanages in New York. Great story. What makes angel different is their members help decide what gets released. No gatekeepers, just people supporting the stories they want to see. Right now, angel is having a Mother's day sale with 40% off their premium membership. As an angel premium member, you can go ad free and even get two tickets to every upcoming release in theaters. Join angel today. Go to angel.comdrlaura that's angel.comdrlaura for 40% off Mother's Day sale.

Thanks for listening to my call of

the day, brought to you by my new sponsor, Chapter. Chapter compares every Medicare plan nationwide. Helps you find the one that fits. Get your answer with one free call to Chapter. Go to AskChapter.org today to get the clarity you deserve.

Remember, you can hear my radio program

daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24, [e-mail] Maria, welcome to the program.

[Caller (Maria)]

Hello, how are you? Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Let me check. Pretty good, thank you.

How can I help you?

[Caller (Maria)]

Well, thank you for taking my call today. I was calling in regarding a fault problem that I'm having. Well, it's actually sort of big. But my fiance of 18 years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, you need to stop right there.

There is no such thing as a

fiance for 18 years.

Fiance's are for 2 years, year and

a half, something like that. Because the wedding is planned.

18 years is a phony connection between two people that has no true profound

meaning in the universe. They just are neurotically attached to each other.

Oh, she used the bad word. So just say I've been in a

relationship with this guy for 18 years pretending I'm getting married.

[Caller (Maria)]

Okay? So I've been in a relationship with this guy for 18 years pretending we're going to get married. We never have. About three years ago, he stopped having sex with me.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, how old are you both now? He's not required to have sex with you.

It's not a requirement. You know, you're just the girlfriend.

[Caller (Maria)]

Geez.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

How old are you?

And how old is. How old are you both?

[Caller (Maria)]

54 and he's 62.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay, so you started doing this ridiculous thing when you were 36.

Okay, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to have sex. He doesn't want to have sex.

Accept it.

[Caller (Maria)]

So what do I do?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I don't know. Get a vibrator, find a new boyfriend.

[Caller (Maria)]

Find a new boyfriend. Right, Right. Because why should I. Why should I stay there

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

if you're not getting any? Absolutely.

[Caller (Maria)]

I'm not getting it.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

If you're not getting any, get out of D. Absolutely. Because after all, that's all it was worth.

See, now when people love each other and are committed in a beautiful relationship, marriage, commitment with sacred vows, and one or the other has any kind of physical or emotional problems, there's no thought of pouting. There is only how can I help? And all the ways we have been to each other for all these years, that this is a small thing to miss. For all the beauty we've developed with

family and friends and experiences and highs and lows.

But when you're just hanging, it's annoying

when they don't give you everything you want. I get that. So what's your plan?

[Caller (Maria)]

My plan? Well, I thought that he would come around and at least please his significant other just because he doesn't feel like doing that, but he won't even do that.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

So what's your plan?

[Caller (Maria)]

My plan is. I don't know yet. I've been dealing with it now for three years.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, what are the options that you have considered?

[Caller (Maria)]

I've. I've asked him to leave. And he says I'm. I'm so faithful, why do you want to get rid of me? Or why he's faithful or whatever it is?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Does he have a problem getting it up and keeping it up? Ma'? Am.

This is hilarious conversation, by the way.

Does he have a problem giving, getting it up or keeping it up? Have you noticed that was happening?

[Caller (Maria)]

Yes. Yes. And I asked him if he would go to the doctor, and he said he's too embarrassed to go to the doctor. And I said it happens with men over 60. From what I've been reading.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, you got to get yourself a guy like in his 30s or 40s, clearly, right?

[Caller (Maria)]

Well, he's embarrassed to go to the doctor and said it's more embarrassing for you to sit here and tell me that you can't get it up. And you're embarrassed to go the doctor.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, that's his choice. So what's your choice?

[Caller (Maria)]

I don't. I asked him if he would be okay with me going to have sex with somebody else and he said no.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Well, it doesn't matter if he would like it. You have no vows with him. You can do whatever you'd like.

[Caller (Maria)]

Right. And I'm not ready to give up having intercourse.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay.

As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lilly Life doesn't have to be so complicated. Walmart helps you simplify. They're your one stop Shop for daily essentials like groceries, snacks, school supplies, and thanks to Walmart Pharmacy, you can count on them for your prescription needs, too. Use the Walmart app to easily manage your family's medications and save time by getting prescriptions delivered right to your door. Switch your prescriptions to Walmart Pharmacy Delivery not available for all prescriptions and and exclusions apply. This episode of the Dr. Laura podcast is brought to you by Alloy Health. Use the promo code DrLora for $20 off your first [e-mail] Many marriages hit the rocks when a woman's hormones start getting out of whack. Brain fog, sleep issues, changes in hair, skin and sex drive are all connected to your Hormones. Join the 95% of women who feel better in just two weeks. Go to MyAlloy.com use the code DrLora today. Ugh.

[Depop Advertiser]

You said you were over him, but his hoodie's still in your rotation.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

It's time.

[Depop Advertiser]

Grab your phone, snap a few pics and sell it on depop. Listed in minutes with no selling fees. And just like that, a guy 500 miles away just paid full price for your closure. And right on cue.

[Eggland's Best Advertiser]

Hey, still got my hoodie?

[Depop Advertiser]

Nope. But I've got tonight's dinner paid for. Start selling on Depop, where taste recognizes taste list. Now, with no selling fees, payment processing Fees and boosting fees still apply. See website for details.

[Eggland's Best Advertiser]

For my family, I'm always at my best. That's why I also want the best in my kitchen. And that means only Eggland's best eggs. They're always so fresh tasting and delicious with 6 times more vitamin D, 10 times more vitamin E, and 25% less saturated fat than ordinary eggs. So why give your family less when they can have the best Egglands best? Better taste, better nutrition, better eggs. For added convenience, look for our hard cooked, peeled eggs.

[Caller (Maria)]

Why did you make it plain? Huh?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

I think you've made it plain. But the ball is in your court. He is not going to do anything about his impotency. And so you have to enjoy living with him without intercourse or without any kind of sensuality since he doesn't want to do that either. You either live like this or you come up with some other plan. Now, people who don't want to come up with another plan don't really want to change anything in their lives. They're not invested enough in their own lives to make something be different. So they stay and complain, hoping that a miracle will happen.

A miracle will happen.

I had somebody say that to me

yesterday and I said, don't, don't, don't, don't give me this miracle crap. Well, then this is your life if

you leave everything else as it is.

So you have to decide if there are enough wonderful things about him that you're willing to put up with no intercourse and get yourself a vibrator.

[Caller (Maria)]

Thank you very much for your time. And I'm going to make my decision.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Okay,

[Caller (Maria)]

I think I'll. I'm going to have to think on that a minute. Can I call you back? And let me know my answer?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

What is it you're thinking about?

Just let me know what you're thinking about.

[Caller (Maria)]

Well, do I want. Do I want to. To try out the vibrator option and see if there is that many good things about him that I want to say and just use the vibrator? Or am I. Am I worth more than what I'm getting now?

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Oh, it has nothing to do with what you're worth. Don't.

Don't slop that around.

This has nothing to do with your worth.

[Caller (Maria)]

Well, I mean, he's not really. Okay, that was the wrong choice of words, but totally.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

He's not interested anymore in sex. He doesn't want to get fixed. That's out. If there are other things about him that draw you to keep there between now and dead, then get a vibrator. So I suggest, before you make up your mind, get a vibrator. Go on Amazon, get something pretty, some color you like. They have basic vibrators and kinky things. Yeah. So you can invest in that.

Spend a month with your toys and

see if that's enough that you don't want to lose him.

[Caller (Maria)]

Yes. Thank you for that. Thank you for your time today.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

You're very welcome.

[Caller (Maria)]

I'm going to take your advice.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Excellent. My number, 1-800-DAN, wants me to offer a prompt for you to call by

saying, are you stuck between using a

vibrator or losing your man? Call me,

1-800-375-2872.

If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or

your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.

And be sure to share this podcast

with a friend on Facebook or your

preferred social media platform.

[SiriusXM Triumph Announcer]

SiriusXM Triumph is Life presenting you with challenges? Get real answers with Dr. Laurel. Call 1-800- Dr. Laura.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

No nonsense advice about relationships, marriage, kids, tough love. It happened is not a phrase anybody uses when they take responsibility.

[SiriusXM Triumph Announcer]

Inspiration.

[Dr. Laura Schlessinger]

Every time you go to bed with a negative thought, you have to match it up with a positive one.

[SiriusXM Triumph Announcer]

That's your new rule, Dr. Laura. Weekdays at 2pm east on SiriusXM Triumph 123 and on the SiriusXM app.

[Sophie Anderson]

Through the voices of experts on the front lines of creation, data and monetization, we explore the forces shaping the podcast industry today. Hi, I'm Sophie Anderson, associate director of sales marketing at Sirius XM Media, and this is season two of the Trendcast. This season, we're unpacking the biggest shifts, redefining the medium. Keep an ear out for our next episode, where we'll continue exploring the biggest questions shaping the future of podcasting.

[OpportunityAtWork Announcer]

Real talent is defined by what people can do, not where they learn to do it. So by stopping at the education section of a resume, you might throw away the perfect hire skills first. Hiring helps you see talent others miss, like more than 70 million stars skilled through alternative routes let their story unfold and gain a competitive advantage. Because hiring managers who start with skills are 60% more likely to find a successful hire. Hire skills first. Learn [e-mail] brought to you by OpportunityAtWork and the Ad Council.