
Maria is in a long-term engagement with a partner of 18 years following her prior divorce. The relationship has become strained due to his control, intimacy breakdown, and emotional neglect. Got a dilemma? Call 1-800-DR-LAURA / 1-800-375-2872 or make an appointment at DrLaura.com - Listen to The Dr. Laura Program daily on SiriusXM Triumph 123.
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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daily on Sirius XM Triumph and connect with me 24, 7@drlora.com Maria, welcome to the program.
Caller (Maria)
Hello, how are you? Dr. Laura.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Let me check. Pretty good, thank you.
How can I help you?
Caller (Maria)
Well, thank you for taking my call today. I was calling in regarding a fault problem that I'm having. Well, it's actually sort of big. But my fiance of 18 years.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, you need to stop right there.
There is no such thing as a
fiance for 18 years.
Fiance's are for 2 years, year and
a half, something like that. Because the wedding is planned.
18 years is a phony connection between two people that has no true profound
meaning in the universe. They just are neurotically attached to each other.
Oh, she used the bad word. So just say I've been in a
relationship with this guy for 18 years pretending I'm getting married.
Caller (Maria)
Okay? So I've been in a relationship with this guy for 18 years pretending we're going to get married. We never have. About three years ago, he stopped having sex with me.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, how old are you both now? He's not required to have sex with you.
It's not a requirement. You know, you're just the girlfriend.
Caller (Maria)
Geez.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
How old are you?
And how old is. How old are you both?
Caller (Maria)
54 and he's 62.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay, so you started doing this ridiculous thing when you were 36.
Okay, it doesn't matter if he doesn't want to have sex. He doesn't want to have sex.
Accept it.
Caller (Maria)
So what do I do?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I don't know. Get a vibrator, find a new boyfriend.
Caller (Maria)
Find a new boyfriend. Right, Right. Because why should I. Why should I stay there
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
if you're not getting any? Absolutely.
Caller (Maria)
I'm not getting it.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
If you're not getting any, get out of D. Absolutely. Because after all, that's all it was worth.
See, now when people love each other and are committed in a beautiful relationship, marriage, commitment with sacred vows, and one or the other has any kind of physical or emotional problems, there's no thought of pouting. There is only how can I help? And all the ways we have been to each other for all these years, that this is a small thing to miss. For all the beauty we've developed with
family and friends and experiences and highs and lows.
But when you're just hanging, it's annoying
when they don't give you everything you want. I get that. So what's your plan?
Caller (Maria)
My plan? Well, I thought that he would come around and at least please his significant other just because he doesn't feel like doing that, but he won't even do that.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
So what's your plan?
Caller (Maria)
My plan is. I don't know yet. I've been dealing with it now for three years.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, what are the options that you have considered?
Caller (Maria)
I've. I've asked him to leave. And he says I'm. I'm so faithful, why do you want to get rid of me? Or why he's faithful or whatever it is?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Does he have a problem getting it up and keeping it up? Ma'? Am.
This is hilarious conversation, by the way.
Does he have a problem giving, getting it up or keeping it up? Have you noticed that was happening?
Caller (Maria)
Yes. Yes. And I asked him if he would go to the doctor, and he said he's too embarrassed to go to the doctor. And I said it happens with men over 60. From what I've been reading.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, you got to get yourself a guy like in his 30s or 40s, clearly, right?
Caller (Maria)
Well, he's embarrassed to go to the doctor and said it's more embarrassing for you to sit here and tell me that you can't get it up. And you're embarrassed to go the doctor.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, that's his choice. So what's your choice?
Caller (Maria)
I don't. I asked him if he would be okay with me going to have sex with somebody else and he said no.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Well, it doesn't matter if he would like it. You have no vows with him. You can do whatever you'd like.
Caller (Maria)
Right. And I'm not ready to give up having intercourse.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay.
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Dr. Laura Schlessinger
It's time.
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Caller (Maria)
Why did you make it plain? Huh?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
I think you've made it plain. But the ball is in your court. He is not going to do anything about his impotency. And so you have to enjoy living with him without intercourse or without any kind of sensuality since he doesn't want to do that either. You either live like this or you come up with some other plan. Now, people who don't want to come up with another plan don't really want to change anything in their lives. They're not invested enough in their own lives to make something be different. So they stay and complain, hoping that a miracle will happen.
A miracle will happen.
I had somebody say that to me
yesterday and I said, don't, don't, don't, don't give me this miracle crap. Well, then this is your life if
you leave everything else as it is.
So you have to decide if there are enough wonderful things about him that you're willing to put up with no intercourse and get yourself a vibrator.
Caller (Maria)
Thank you very much for your time. And I'm going to make my decision.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Okay,
Caller (Maria)
I think I'll. I'm going to have to think on that a minute. Can I call you back? And let me know my answer?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
What is it you're thinking about?
Just let me know what you're thinking about.
Caller (Maria)
Well, do I want. Do I want to. To try out the vibrator option and see if there is that many good things about him that I want to say and just use the vibrator? Or am I. Am I worth more than what I'm getting now?
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Oh, it has nothing to do with what you're worth. Don't.
Don't slop that around.
This has nothing to do with your worth.
Caller (Maria)
Well, I mean, he's not really. Okay, that was the wrong choice of words, but totally.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
He's not interested anymore in sex. He doesn't want to get fixed. That's out. If there are other things about him that draw you to keep there between now and dead, then get a vibrator. So I suggest, before you make up your mind, get a vibrator. Go on Amazon, get something pretty, some color you like. They have basic vibrators and kinky things. Yeah. So you can invest in that.
Spend a month with your toys and
see if that's enough that you don't want to lose him.
Caller (Maria)
Yes. Thank you for that. Thank you for your time today.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
You're very welcome.
Caller (Maria)
I'm going to take your advice.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Excellent. My number, 1-800-DAN, wants me to offer a prompt for you to call by
saying, are you stuck between using a
vibrator or losing your man? Call me,
1-800-375-2872.
If you like this podcast, be sure to rate it on Apple Podcasts or
your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course, I'd love if you gave me five stars.
And be sure to share this podcast
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Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller: Maria
This episode centers on Maria, a caller who has been in an 18-year engagement without marriage and is now facing strain in her relationship due to a lack of intimacy. Dr. Laura gives her signature direct, no-nonsense advice about the reality of long-term, non-marital commitments, what “fiancé” means, and the importance of honest self-reflection and personal boundaries. The conversation tackles relationship inertia, sexual compatibility, and the choices available when a partner refuses both marriage and intimacy.
“There is no such thing as a fiancé for 18 years. Fiancés are for two years, year and a half, something like that, because the wedding is planned. Eighteen years is a phony connection between two people that has no true profound meaning in the universe. They just are neurotically attached to each other.”
(Dr. Laura, 02:26 – 02:41)
“He’s not required to have sex with you. It’s not a requirement. You’re just the girlfriend.”
(Dr. Laura, 03:17–03:21)
“If you’re not getting any, get out of D. Absolutely. Because after all, that’s all it was worth.”
(Dr. Laura, 04:08)
“When people love each other and are committed in a beautiful relationship, marriage, commitment with sacred vows, … there is only ‘How can I help?’ … But when you’re just hanging, it’s annoying when they don’t give you everything you want.”
(Dr. Laura, 04:18–04:55)
“Get a vibrator, find a new boyfriend.”
(Dr. Laura, 03:50)
“Well, you got to get yourself a guy like in his 30s or 40s, clearly, right?”
(Dr. Laura, 05:58–06:04)
“People who don’t want to come up with another plan don’t really want to change anything in their lives … so they stay and complain, hoping that a miracle will happen.”
(Dr. Laura, 09:56–10:07)
“Don’t … don’t give me this miracle crap. Well, then this is your life if you leave everything else as it is.”
(Dr. Laura, 10:00–10:07)
“This has nothing to do with your worth.”
(Dr. Laura, 10:59–11:03)
“Spend a month with your toys and see if that’s enough that you don’t want to lose him.”
(Dr. Laura, 11:50–11:53)
Dr. Laura distills Maria’s dilemma down to simple, actionable choices: accept a sexless partnership and find other means of fulfillment, or leave and seek a relationship that aligns with her needs. The episode is a hallmark of Dr. Laura’s straightforward approach, peppered with humor, empathy, and a push for self-empowerment. Listeners dealing with long-term relationship inertia and dissatisfaction will find both tough love and practical tools for decision-making.