Making Time with a Terminally Ill Family Member

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. Laura Podcast

Episode: Making Time with a Terminally Ill Family Member
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Date: June 18, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from a listener, Molly, who is preparing to visit her terminally ill sister-in-law. The conversation focuses on how to navigate the emotional and practical complexities of spending time with a loved one at the end of life. Dr. Laura draws from her personal experiences, offering guidance on making the moments meaningful, managing awkwardness, and handling the reality of impending loss with sensitivity and courage.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Navigating Awkwardness Around Terminal Illness

• Caller’s Concern: Molly admits her fear of "putting her foot in her mouth" and not knowing what to say when visiting her terminally ill family member.
• Dr. Laura’s Reassurance:
  • “It’s okay to put your foot in your mouth. Nobody really knows what’s the best thing to say or do in a situation like that. It’s very awkward, it’s a bit scary, it’s painful, you don’t want to hurt the person.” (02:11)
• Advice:
  • Accept the awkwardness—honesty and a bit of humor can defuse tension.
  • Understand that wanting the “right” thing to say may not be as important as simply being present and authentic.

2. Adapting to the Personality of Your Loved One

• Assess Who They Are:
  • Dr. Laura shares an anecdote about visiting her own terminally ill friend, emphasizing the importance of considering the person’s personality and wishes.
  • “She could be two seconds from dying and she’d still be hopeful.” (02:57, Dr. Laura)
• Be Yourself:
  • “You don’t have to be a therapist to do this. You just have to think about—what’s her personality like?” (03:05, Dr. Laura)
  • Let humor or lightheartedness through if that’s true to who you are—the key is to keep the interaction real and unique to your relationship.

3. Conversational Strategies: How to Talk (and What to Avoid)

• Ask Open-Ended Questions:
  • “So what’s going on? What are you going through? What’s happening here?” (03:17, Dr. Laura)
• Light Humor and Banter:
  • “Can you eat spaghetti? No, I can’t eat spaghetti. Damn.” (03:27, Dr. Laura)
  • “Can we go out for a pasta dinner? No, we can’t. Alrighty then. What is on the menu? Yogurt diluted. Can I feed you?” (03:36, Dr. Laura)
• Acknowledge the Awkwardness:
  • “Say, ‘this is awkward. I was on the plane thinking, I don’t want to say something stupid.’ And she will laugh at that.” (05:30, Dr. Laura)
• Support Through Silliness or Directness:
  • “Anybody annoying the crap out of you? Somebody you want me to beat up for you?” (05:07, Dr. Laura)
• Memorable, Sincere Goodbyes:
  • Dr. Laura recounts ending her visit with honesty:
    • “‘I’m going to miss you.’ And it was the most sober moment we had had,” leading to a tearful but necessary exchange. (06:47)

4. Honoring the Moment and Moving Through Grief

• The Gravity of Transition:
  • “You are helping somebody in a transition from life to non life. Whatever anybody believes or wants to believe or doesn’t believe, it doesn’t matter. But they’re not going to be there anymore in the way you know them. So it’s a major, major thing.” (10:10, Dr. Laura)
• Impact of the Final Goodbye:
  • “It’s astonishing in a way that somebody’s alive and then they’re not. They’re gone. It’s astonishing. And no matter how many times you may experience it, it’s still a whoa moment.” (11:14, Dr. Laura)
• Coping With Loss and Guilt:
  • Discusses the mixture of emotions when someone passes—sometimes grief, sometimes relief—and encourages listeners to process these feelings honestly.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Value of Connection:

  • “Death is in the room, but it’s not there yet. Functioning. We’re still alive. So while we’re alive, let’s use the relationship to interact.” (04:51, Dr. Laura)

• On Saying Goodbye:

  • “I’m going to miss you, which I knew she might not be happy to hear because it would mean that I’m not embracing the hope part, but I’m a realist, and she knew that. And she looked at me and said, ‘I’m gonna miss you too.’ And she started to cry, I started to cry, and then I got in the car and went back to the airport and she passed within a week.” (06:47, Dr. Laura)

• On the Meaning of Loss:

  • “I think it’s nice for somebody to know you are going to miss them. That they matter enough. It’s tough losing people you really like.” (11:14, Dr. Laura)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:53 — Caller introduces her situation and need for guidance.
• 02:11-02:57 — Dr. Laura discusses the awkwardness and how nobody knows what to say in terminal situations.
• 03:02-03:36 — Using humor and showing personality in difficult times.
• 04:51 — The importance of interaction when the person is still alive.
• 06:47 — The powerful, honest goodbye and reflection on its lasting impact.
• 10:10 — Dr. Laura’s emotional reflection on the transition from life to death.
• 11:14 — Discussing the mix of emotions associated with grief and loss.

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Closing Thoughts

Dr. Laura’s nuanced advice frames terminal visits as opportunities—moments for authenticity, laughter, honesty, and meaningful closure. Emphasizing kindness to oneself and the value of simply being present, the episode provides comfort and practical guidance for listeners facing similar situations. Molly’s heartfelt thanks to Dr. Laura (“I would normally call my mom...so I was like, call Mama Laura.” 10:56) underscores the trust and constancy Dr. Laura provides in her audience’s most vulnerable moments.

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Transcript

[Dr. Laura]

Ladies, if you're in that phase where your body's just doing new things, sleep's weird, energy's weird, cravings also weird. You're not alone.

[Molly]

It's totally normal.

[Dr. Laura]

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[Molly]

Hi Dr. Laura hi Molly. How can I help?

[Caller]

Well I am traveling to go see my sister in law and she is terminally ill and I just don't know what to expect or words of wisdom of how to not put my foot in my mouth.

[Dr. Laura]

First of all, it's okay to put

[Molly]

your foot in your mouth. Nobody really knows what's the best thing to say or do in a situation like that. It's very awkward, it's a bit scary, it's painful, you don't want to hurt the person. But on the other hand you want to communicate something to say goodbye right now. One of my dear friends some years ago was seriously terminal like within a week. So I flew out there

[Dr. Laura]

and in

[Molly]

the plane I was thinking about her personality. She's a gentle soul.

[Dr. Laura]

She could be two seconds from dying and she'd still be hopeful.

[Molly]

So I assessed who she was and

[Dr. Laura]

you don't have to be a therapist

[Molly]

to do this you just have to think about what's her personality like?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Molly]

And, and then I assessed it more when I got there. So I came in, give her a big kiss, a hug. I said, any place I can sit? Okay, sit over here. Because it was all hospital stuff around her. And I said, so what's going on? What are you going through? What's happening here? I just made it open ended and let her talk because she's not going to put her foot in her mouth. And you ask questions like, are you eating? Are they feeding you? What are they feeding you? Can you eat spaghetti? No, I can't eat spaghetti. Damn. I, because of who I am and my personality, I always try to inject humor. But that's me. I can be silly. And everybody who knows me knows that. So it's not offensive in any way. So I would say, can we go out for a pasta dinner? No, we can't. Alrighty then. What is on the menu? Yogurt diluted. Can I feed you? Yeah. I interacted. When you have a friend in front of you or an acquaintance, I don't know how close you are to your, to this family relative, but you want to interact, you want it to go back and forth. So you ask questions, you say some silly things, you don't worry about sounding silly. Death is in the room, but it's not there yet. Functioning. We're still alive. So while we're alive, let's use the relationship to interact.

[Caller]

Perfect. Yes.

[Molly]

Anybody annoying the crap out of you? Somebody you want me to beat up for you? Yeah, the nurse. She keeps sticking needles in me. Okay.

[Caller]

Well fortunately she's still at home. Good getting. She's still on palliative care, but getting close to probably going to hospice. But she's still, she's got a kind of great positive attitude towards all this.

[Molly]

Then interact and be silly. Say, this is awkward. I was on the plane thinking, I don't want to say something stupid. And she will laugh at that.

[Dr. Laura]

Interact.

[Molly]

My way of looking at how you deal in these moments is if they're not dead, they're alive. And if they're alive, we can interact. My last thing to her, she was mixed with it, I could tell. And we had gone over stuff we had done together. Silly stuff. She made me climb a wall. That was the first time I climbed a wall. And I rather enjoyed it. So we talked about all these silly things and, and. But the day I left, I stayed overnight and I was there for the next day. I said, I'm going to miss you. And it was the most sober moment we had had in the two days because she kept saying, my friends are coming here, we're going to pray, and this is going to be okay. She was way, way past there to be any options.

[Caller]

Mm.

[Molly]

And I said, I'm going to miss you, which I knew she might not be happy to hear because it would mean that I'm not embracing the hope part, but I'm a realist, and she knew that. And she looked at me and said, I'm gonna miss you too. And she started to cry. I started to cry, and then I got in the car and went back to the airport and she passed within a week. It was like five days.

[Dr. Laura]

As people age, it's normal to ask

[Molly]

what more they could be doing to

[Dr. Laura]

take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors for dementia and a cognitive assessment. Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources provided by Lily Ladies, if you're in that phase where your body's just doing new things, sleep's weird, energy's weird, cravings also weird, you're not alone.

[Molly]

It's totally normal.

[Dr. Laura]

Menopause and perimenopause just means your body needs a little support. And sprouts makes that support easier so you can start feeling more like you. Tons of fresh organic produce for fiber, sprouts, protein and creatine to keep your muscles and bones strong and your energy up. And supplements that can help you manage mood shifts. So whether it's perimenopause, menopause, or any other health journey, it's easier at Sprouts Farmer's Market Confidence.

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[Dr. Laura]

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[Molly]

So I'm using my experience. I'm sort of choking up now. You never get over this interaction. This will always be with you. You are helping somebody in a transition from life to non life. Whatever anybody believes or wants to believe or doesn't believe, it doesn't matter. But they're not going to be there anymore in the way you know them. So it's a major, major thing.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Molly]

Did this help you?

[Caller]

It did. It did.

[Molly]

Good.

[Caller]

I would normally call my mom. My mom's already passed, so I was like, call Mama Laura.

[Molly]

Thank you. And I'm glad you think of me that way. I appreciate it. So go make her happy that you're there.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Molly]

You're welcome.

[Caller]

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Molly]

You're welcome. It's hard to share. It's hard to talk about even after all these years. Wow. Because it's astonishing in a way that somebody's alive and then they're not. They're gone. It's astonishing. And no matter how many times you may experience it, it's still a whoa moment. It sobers you up. And I'll never forget that last moment. I'm going to miss you. Hmm. I think it's nice for somebody to know you are going to miss them. That they matter enough. It's tough losing people you really like. That's why sometimes when people call me and say this and such person past, did you like them? Did you love them? Because now I know what we're dealing with. Sometimes you didn't like, you didn't love. Sometimes you were mixed and it changes. And then you feel guilt about having relief sometimes that that person has gone. 1-800-375-2872 if you like this podcast, be

[Dr. Laura]

sure to rate it on Apple podcasts or your favorite place to listen to my podcast. Of course. I'd love if you gave me five stars. And be sure to share this podcast with a friend on Facebook or your preferred social media platform.

[SiriusXM Triumph Announcer]

SiriusXM Triumph Is life presenting you with challenges? Get real answers with Dr. Laurel. Call 1-800- Dr. Laura no nonsense advice

[Dr. Laura]

about relationships, marriage, kids, tough love. It happened is not a phrase anybody

[Molly]

uses when they take responsibility.

[SiriusXM Triumph Announcer]

Inspiration.

[Dr. Laura]

Every time you go to bed with a negative thought, you have to match it up with a positive one.

[SiriusXM Triumph Announcer]

That's your new rule, Dr. Laura. Weekdays at 2pm east on Sirius XM Triumph 123 and on the Sirius XM app.

[Dr. Laura]

As people age, it's normal to ask what more they could be doing to take care of their health. It's important to be proactive, especially when it comes to your brain health. Don't wait for something to feel off before taking action. Make your next checkup count. Ask your doctor about your risk factors

[Molly]

for dementia and a cognitive assessment.

[Dr. Laura]

Visit brainhealthmatters.com for more information and resources

[Morgan Stewart]

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