My Daughter is Crashing and Burning

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day
Episode: My Daughter is Crashing and Burning
Release Date: January 10, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of Dr. Laura Call of the Day, host Dr. Laura Schlessinger addresses the heart-wrenching struggles of Shauna, a mother grappling with her adult daughter's destructive behaviors. The conversation delves deep into the complexities of parenting a child with emotional and behavioral challenges, emphasizing the fine line between support and self-preservation for parents.

Shauna's Story: A Mother's Struggle

Shauna, aged 56, shares her journey as a mother to her 23-year-old adopted daughter. From an early age, Shauna and her husband noticed atypical behaviors in their daughter, prompting them to seek professional help:

• Early Signs and Diagnoses:
  "[...] her fine motor skills were really behind in school. She was having a lot of crying spells, temper tantrums that were kind of out of the norm."
  (00:46)

  Shauna recounts how her daughter was initially suspected to be on the autism spectrum, leading to occupational therapy interventions. As her daughter grew, more diagnoses followed, including ADHD in third grade and later, oppositional defiant disorder during her teenage years.

• Family Therapy Efforts:
  "We decided to do kind of half and half family therapy. We had a therapist that just kind of helped support my husband and I so we could be the best we could be as a couple parents and for her."
  (02:10)

  The family employed a dual approach to therapy, focusing both on supporting Shauna and her husband as parents and addressing their daughter's behavioral issues.

The Breaking Point: Setting Boundaries

At 18, the mounting behavioral problems led Shauna and her husband to make the difficult decision to ask their daughter to leave home:

• Establishing Independence:
  "At 18 we asked her to leave because I felt at 18 now I've done what I could."
  (02:43)

  They provided her with an apartment nearby, allowing her independence while maintaining boundaries. Shauna continued to support her daughter by helping with independent living skills during visits.

Current Challenges: Addiction and Risky Behaviors

Now 23, Shauna's daughter exhibits numerous risky behaviors that strain the family's relationship:

• Addiction Issues:
  "She's addicted to weed. She's just doing so many risky behaviors."
  (03:35)

  Shauna describes her daughter's lack of motivation, unemployment, and excessive use of marijuana, which contribute to the chaotic household dynamics.

Dr. Laura's Guidance: Acceptance and Self-Care

Understanding the depth of Shauna's distress, Dr. Laura provides candid advice aimed at helping Shauna prioritize her well-being:

• Acknowledging Limits:
  "Give it up. Stop it. You're eliminating years off your own life."
  (04:26)

  Dr. Laura emphasizes the importance of recognizing when continued efforts to help may be detrimental to the parents' mental health.

• Emotional Release and Moving Forward:
  "Have a good cry, throw water on your face and think about the new path you're on."
  (08:44)

  She encourages Shauna to allow herself to grieve the unchangeable aspects of her daughter's condition and to focus on forging a new, healthier path for herself.

Key Insights and Takeaways

• Balancing Support and Self-Preservation:
  Parents must find a balance between supporting their children and safeguarding their own emotional and mental health.

• Recognizing When to Let Go:
  It's crucial to acknowledge when continued efforts to help may no longer be effective, and when letting go is necessary for personal well-being.

• The Power of Professional Guidance:
  Engaging in therapy, both individually and as a family, can provide invaluable support during times of crisis.

Notable Quotes

• Shauna on Her Daughter's Struggles:
  "She's just doing so many risky behaviors."
  (03:35)

• Dr. Laura on Parental Limits:
  "Give it up. Stop it. You're eliminating years off your own life."
  (04:26)

• Dr. Laura on Self-Care:
  "Have a good cry, throw water on your face and think about the new path you're on."
  (08:44)

Conclusion

In this poignant episode, Dr. Laura Schlessinger offers a compassionate yet straightforward approach to a mother's dilemma of supporting a struggling adult child. Through Shauna's narrative, listeners gain insight into the emotional toll of parenting under such challenging circumstances and the critical need for self-care and acceptance when faced with situations beyond one's control.

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For more insightful discussions and advice, tune in to Dr. Laura Schlessinger's daily radio program exclusively on SiriusXM Triumph 111.

Transcript

[A]

Thanks for downloading my Call of the Day podcast. You too can participate in my live radio program heard weekdays from 2 to 5pm Eastern Time on Sirius XM Triumph 111. Shauna, welcome to the program.

[B]

Thank you, Dr. Laura. I really appreciate your time today. I am 56 and my husband and I adopted young baby from birth. She's 23 now. And early on we noticed that there was just some things that were off. So we got her resources pretty quickly and.

[A]

I'm sorry, what do you mean some things were off? What does that mean?

[B]

We just noticed that her fine motor skills were really behind in school. She was having a lot of crying spells, temper tantrums that were kind of out of the norm. And we just wanted to get an idea of what we were looking at. The school said she was a little bit behind in things and having difficulty with socialization. But you know, I mean, they're young and so there's going to be, you know, a range of things. But we just wanted to make sure that we were knew what we were looking at. They said that she, you know, should have. They said that she's probably on the spectrum, high functioning and that occupational therapy would be good for her. So we started with occupational therapy and as her life went on, she has struggled her whole entire life with emotional regulation, with just being able to really understand social stuff. And we. She was diagnosed with ADHD probably in third grade and then started really acting out, having bad behavior in school. And so we decided to do kind of half and half family therapy. We had a therapist that just kind of helped support my husband and I so we could be the best we could be as a couple parents and for her. And then when she was in her teens, the behavior was so bad at home that she was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder. And the behavior was. I had a very difficult time. I held on, as you know, I held on. I got therapy myself so I could have support. My husband and I were a great team together, but her behavior was really, really difficult.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so at 18 we asked her to leave because I felt at 18 now I've done what I could and. But we paid for an apartment really close so we could be close but have boundaries because it was the only way that I could really manage. It was getting to be so much. And so she would come over for dinner four days a week. I would help her with her independent living skills and everything. As she has gotten older and older, obviously she has more independence and she is doing everything that she can risk wise Just. It's just so out of control. She's addicted to weed. She's just. Just doing so many risky behaviors. What is she.

[A]

I'm sorry? Is she in school? Does she have a job? What is she doing?

[B]

No, absolutely.

[A]

She gets up in the morning and does. What? Mom, she gets up in the morning and does.

[B]

Lays in bed and smokes weed all day long.

[A]

Okay. And how can I help. How can I help you to. How can I help you? Today?

[B]

My husband and I are going to. We've. We've three cycles of trying to get her to take on her financials so that she can be held accountable. And one time.

[A]

Shauna.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Give it up. Okay.

[B]

That's what I needed to hear because I just. It's just very difficult. And I. I have been doing a good job, but she, you know, I. I just keep telling myself it's wasted.

[A]

Effort at this point. Give it up. Stop it. You're eliminating years off your own life.

[B]

I am.

[A]

You are.

[B]

You know, that's exactly why I called. It's just. I just needed to hear it because I've. I am. It's time for me to live my life. It's just really hard because I know she'll crash and burn.

[A]

It's very hard. It's very hard. And she will likely crash and burn.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

And there's nothing you can do about it. That's the frustrating thing for a parent. I mean, look at all the things you engaged to help her. I'm sorry. Her brain is just not the healthiest.

[B]

It's not. And it really hasn't ever been.

[A]

No, it never was. Since the egg met the sperm. It never was. Do you ever watch the original, what might have been in the subsequent. But the original Frankenstein?

[B]

I have not, no.

[A]

Oh, well, he tells Dr. Frankenstein, tells his assistant with the hunchback to go to the university and bring a brain so he can put it in the monster. Right, Right. You know what it's about. Okay. So he goes and he picks up the brain in the container, but he hears a sound, gets nervous and drops it. Oh, my God, what am I going to do? So he picks up another one. He can't read, really, and it says abnormal and he thinks it means Abby Normal. It's a name of somebody. So he brings that. And that's the problem that we had with the monster. He has an abnormal brain and really can't build in responsibility.

[B]

Right. It's true. It's just really sad. Yes, it is really sad.

[A]

It is. And I can't I can't tell you how many times you can say it's really sad, but at some point, you have to stop. You have to give yourself a break. It did above and beyond what probably 90% of parents would have been aware to do, much less motivated. And it didn't matter.

[B]

Yeah, because that's the kind of mom and dad she has. But that's not who she is.

[A]

No, Abby. Normal brain.

[B]

I've known this. I just needed to hear it again.

[A]

I know it's very hard for a mommy to accept that there's nothing more you can do.

[B]

There really isn't. She's just determined to do it her way. And her way is destructive.

[A]

At some point, your financials are being. I mean, apartments are not cheap. The rent plus paying for everything, water, gas, et cetera, electricity. So you might want to look for a halfway house and tell her it's that or something she comes up with. Do this over a month with great clarity. So you're not wasting your money in there.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Because she refuses to work. Yeah.

[A]

It's not. Yeah, trust me, I do know what you're saying.

[B]

I appreciate your support.

[A]

Of course, this isn't your doing and this is not open to your fixing.

[B]

Thank you, Dr. Lohr.

[A]

You're very welcome. Have a good cry, throw water on your face and think about the new path you're on.

[B]

Okay, I will. Thank you. Have a great day.

[A]

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