My Fiancé's Ex Won't Exit the Relationship

Summary

Podcast Summary: Dr. Laura Call of the Day

Episode: My Fiancé's Ex Won't Exit the Relationship

Air Date: October 7, 2025
Host: Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Caller/Guest: Bill
Theme: Navigating Stepfamily Dynamics and Boundaries with Exes

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. Laura takes a call from Bill, a former Marine and martial arts instructor, who seeks advice regarding his fiancée’s ongoing interactions with her ex-husband. Bill expresses concern about the ex-husband's continued presence and dialogue in their lives—especially as the ex appears to express lingering feelings toward Bill’s fiancée, despite being engaged to someone else. Bill wants to know how to deal with the ex's behavior and his own feelings about the situation, particularly given the stressors his family is already facing due to his fiancée’s recent cancer diagnosis.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background of the Situation (02:19 – 05:13)

• Bill's Relationship History:

  • Bill met his fiancée through mutual friends and describes her as someone he "can be 100% himself with," which makes him feel secure and stress-free.
  • Both Bill and his fiancée have children from previous relationships; their blended family includes Bill’s two sons (ages 24 and 15) and her two daughters (ages 17 and 20).

• The Ex-Husband:

  • Bill’s fiancée was married to her ex since she was 14 and only divorced around a decade ago.
  • The ex has a history of being controlling, which contributed to Bill’s fiancée’s struggles with bulimia.
  • Although divorced, the ex remains involved due to their children—primarily as a critical father with a less-supportive parenting style.

• Recent Dynamics:

  • Bill’s fiancée is battling breast cancer and undergoing chemotherapy.
  • Bill and his fiancée are about to buy a house and get married.
  • The ex-husband, despite being engaged, has been sending suggestive texts (“Don’t you miss the old times?”), prompting Bill’s concern about boundaries and intentions.

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2. Dr. Laura’s Initial Assessment (05:13 – 05:53)

• Dr. Laura immediately seeks clarity about Bill’s fiancée’s feelings toward her ex.

  • [05:13] Dr. Laura: "What does your lady friend tell you about her current feelings for her ex?"

• Bill reassures Dr. Laura that his fiancée has "nothing there" for her ex and even shows him the texts; however, she stops short of telling her ex off directly most of the time.

• Dr. Laura asks who takes care of the children’s activities now (e.g., soccer tournaments) and confirms Bill and his fiancée handle those tasks, not the ex.

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3. Challenges with Ex-Spouse Boundaries (05:53 – 06:56, 09:31 – 10:49)

• Bill’s Concern: Although he trusts his fiancée, he’s uncomfortable with the ex-husband’s lack of boundaries and his fiancée’s reluctance to be blunt with him.

  • [10:35] Bill: "The alpha male in me ... kind of like, you know, this guy. But I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that she doesn't tell him to kind of, hey, you know ..."

• Dr. Laura’s Response:

  • Dr. Laura interrupts to address the reality of co-parenting:
  • [10:49] Dr. Laura: "Because he's the father of her children. Get over yourself."

• Reframing Perspective:

  • Dr. Laura reminds Bill not to conflate trust in his fiancée with hostility toward her ex, emphasizing the importance of focusing on their loyalty rather than on external distractions.

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4. Addressing Trust and Personal Insecurities (09:36 – 11:44)

• Dr. Laura asks Bill directly if he thinks his fiancée could be disloyal; Bill firmly denies any doubts.

  • [09:44] Bill: "I don't. I don't, Doc. Not at all."

• Dr. Laura, in classic direct style, tells Bill to stop giving the ex any mental real estate and instead act out of loyalty and love.

  • [10:02] Dr. Laura: "Behave out of your loyalty and trusting hers. Leave him out of your thinking. ... You're making him more important than he is."

• Bill admits he feels "a little threatened" due to his alpha male mentality, which Dr. Laura humorously affirms ("Alpha male Marine is still a guy. Damn it, Bill.").

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5. Light-Hearted Marine “Discipline” (11:49 – 12:49)

• Dr. Laura, leaning into her rapport with Bill’s military background, playfully commands him to do push-ups live on air ("Drop down, give me 25!")—injecting levity while making her point about channeling energy away from worry.

• Bill responds enthusiastically and counts out push-ups, creating a fun and memorable exchange.

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6. Final Advice and Takeaways (12:49 – 13:46)

• Dr. Laura closes her guidance with a succinct message:
  • [12:49] Dr. Laura: "Trust her. There's nothing for you to do here but trust her."
  • She reiterates Bill is "her man" and that his fiancée knows the difference between him and her ex, emphasizing self-control and trust over unnecessary action.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Behave out of your loyalty and trusting hers. Leave him out of your thinking."
  — Dr. Laura [10:02]

• "Because he's the father of her children. Get over yourself."
  — Dr. Laura [10:49]

• "Alpha male Marine is still a guy. Damn it, Bill. All right, drop down, give me 25. I'm gonna wait."
  — Dr. Laura [11:49]

• "I'm totally over myself. This is why I came on the show."
  — Bill [10:56]

• "You're her man. He's not. And she's not stupid. She knows the difference between the two of you."
  — Dr. Laura [12:24]

• (During the push-up exchange)
  "1, 2, 3, 4. I love the Marine Corps..."
  — Bill [12:23]

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Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• Background and Context: 02:23 – 05:13
• Assessing Loyalty, Parental Roles: 05:13 – 05:53
• Dr. Laura's Direct Guidance Begins: 09:31 – 10:49
• Humorous Push-up Segment: 11:49 – 12:49
• Closing Advice: 12:49 – 13:46

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Tone & Takeaways

The conversation is candid and infused with humor and warmth, despite its serious undertones. Dr. Laura blends her characteristic no-nonsense approach with compassionate understanding, pushing Bill to trust his fiancée and let go of insecurities tied to her ex-husband's actions. Listeners are reminded that co-parenting requires civility and that true partnership is grounded in trust, not suspicion or possessiveness.

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Dr. Laura’s Core Message:
"Trust her. There's nothing for you to do here but trust her." [12:49]

Listeners struggling with similar stepfamily or ex-spouse dynamics will find actionable, straightforward advice and a little laughter in the process.

Transcript

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[Bill]

Am. How are you?

[Dr. Laura]

Good. What's up?

[Bill]

So do you want the long back, the quick background or do you want current situation? I would think long background.

[Dr. Laura]

I need the background first, please.

[Bill]

Oh, I was a combat Marine for 13 years. Been in martial arts my entire life. A close friend of mine had a boot camp I met who I would call the woman that gets me for me that I'm allowed to be myself around 100%, which makes me feel less stressful and more of a man. You know, I'm a project manager. I own a martial arts school. Obviously she's been with this guy, since her ex husband, since 14 years old. They were married for years. His controlling nature, unbeknownst to me, pushed her towards being bulimic. We've been together now seven years engaged. We're about ready to buy a house and get married. But lately she. She got diagnosed with double breast cancer, had a bilateral mastectomy, and is now going through chemo. Said ex husband is now now. She has two daughters. I have two boys. My oldest son's 24. He's currently active in the Marine Corps like I did. My youngest is 15. Her youngest is 17. Her oldest is 20. Now, her daughters come to me for a lot of advice because I give a no nonsense approach and I'm very loving. Whereas the ex husband, for instance, the youngest one, you know, soccer is her world, and my fiance has taken her all over the country soccer tournaments. And when she doesn't do good, his response is, hey, you know what? Maybe that's not as good as you think you are. But since she's got diagnosed with cancer, he's like, hey, you know, the youngest one needs to, you know, get a job. And if you do, I'll throw in back rubs, I'll throw in foot rubs. As of late, she showed me the text saying that, hey, you know, you know, it's been 10 years we've been divorced. You don't miss the old times? You don't miss me. And mind you, he's engaged somebody else as well. I guess I'm trying to figure out how do I. How do I deal with the ex husband bull crap where he's kind of like, hey, maybe I might have messed up. I was a crap husband and I see her happy. Or maybe he just. The old feelings are coming up where, you know, we loved each other back in high school.

[Dr. Laura]

What does your lady friend tell you about her current feelings for her ex?

[Bill]

There's nothing there. He used to pass off, but then she actually shows me the text. But she never told him to just f off. I guess they still have.

[Dr. Laura]

Yeah. Stop, Stop. Okay, who's taking the younger child to her events now? That your girlfriend?

[Bill]

Myself. And who I would call my person. My better half. So myself and my better half take her, not the father.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, what makes you think your lady friend is not being loyal? They have parented and they're still involved because of the parenting. What makes you want to believe that she's not ultimately going to be loyal to you? Take time before you answer that. Did you know that skin care can start in the laundry room? The Dr. Laura program is happy to be partnering with our sponsor All Free Clear Laundry Detergent. My peeps with kids are especially thrilled to use it because it's 100% free of dyes and perfumes. All Free Clear is the number one laundry detergent brand recommended for sensitive skin by pediatricians, dermatologists and allergists. For a clean you can feel good about, all you need is All Free Clear.

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[Bill]

I don't. I don't think that she's not being loyal.

[Dr. Laura]

Do you think she has the possibility of being disloyal to you?

[Bill]

I don't. I don't, Doc. Not at all. All men.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay? And I'd like you not. Then I'd like you not to give, then I'd like. Quiet, damn it. I like you. A master sergeant marine once wrote to me that he thought I'd make a very good one.

[Bill]

So I think you would, ma'. Am. I think you would.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. Thank you. So before I make you do 2000 push ups, just listen. Behave out of your loyalty and trusting hers. Leave him out of your thinking. Behave only out of your loyalty to her and what you believe and perceive is her loyalty to you. That's it. Are you gonna drive yourself up a wall? He's unimportant. You're making him more important than he is.

[Bill]

It's funny you say that. I guess the alpha male in me who's been around other alpha males, it's like kind of like, you know, this guy. But I. I guess what bothers me the most is the fact that she doesn't tell him to kind of, hey, you know, it's in a.

[Dr. Laura]

Because he's the. Because he's the friend. Father of her children. Get over yourself.

[Bill]

Understand? Totally understand, ma'. Am. Yeah, okay. I'm totally over myself. This is why I came on the show. I came on the show.

[Dr. Laura]

Bill, Bill, I want you to trust your woman.

[Bill]

And I do what my life. I do what my life.

[Dr. Laura]

And that's. Then he doesn't matter.

[Bill]

No, ma', am, he does not. No, ma', am, he does not.

[Dr. Laura]

That's right. You're her man. He's not. And she's not stupid. She knows the difference between the two of you.

[Bill]

No, she's not. I guess more. Maybe it's more of my just personal feelings that are getting away.

[Dr. Laura]

I know you're feeling a little threatened. Alpha male Marine.

[Bill]

Woohoo.

[Dr. Laura]

Alpha male Marine is still a guy. Damn it, Bill. All right, drop down, give me 25. I'm gonna wait.

[Bill]

Bill, Bill.

[Dr. Laura]

Bill. Drop down, give me 25 right now. I'm gonna wait.

[Bill]

200%. I'm pulling over right now.

[Dr. Laura]

Thank you. And count them out loud.

[Bill]

1, 2, 3, 4. I love the Marine Corps. 1, 2, 3, four. I love the Marine Corps. One, two, three, four. I love the Marine Corps. Ma', am, I could go on for about 80 of these. You want me to continue or could we continue on the conversation? And five more.

[Dr. Laura]

Five more. Five more.

[Bill]

I love the Marine Corps.

[Dr. Laura]

Okay, now stand up. That's it. I just wanted five. Don't overdo it. Okay, Bill, I want you not to talk and just to listen. I know you're a Marine and you're the kind of guy who gets something done. This is not that occasion. Trust her. There's nothing for you to do here but trust her. My number. 1-800-375-2872. Check out my social media on Facebook and Instagram. I post stories, photos and videos seven days a week and feature some of what you sent me, too. There's always something interesting going on there. You can find me at facebook.com drlaura or and instagram.com drlauraprogram.

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